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Test for Jessica

Ankur — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 07:21:00 GMT

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Test for Jeffrey

Ankur — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 05:56:00 GMT

175. Habits: The Reason Behind Your Resolution - Motivation

Dawson — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 06:27:00 GMT

Last week I posed the question to those following me on Facebook and TheHopeLine: Where do you want to go, and what are the key habits that will get you there?

A lot of people talked about losing weight. That seems to be on just about everyone’s New Year’s resolution list. Even if they don’t generally have weight issues, after Thanksgiving and Christmas — who doesn’t’ need to loose a few pounds.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.

One thing that I noticed in some of the comments was that losing weight was only a “means to an end.” In other words, the real goal was something else, and losing weight was what they need to do to get there.

Jamie wrote: my 2011 resolution is for me to join the marines and im gonna lose this weight and then im going to take the entrance exam...then im going to swear in....the only thing standing in my way is the weight i have to lose...

Kendra wrote: My goal is to lose 50 pounds, I have been struggling with my weight for a very LONG TIME. And im sick of being different from everybody else. So for the year of 2011 I wanna lose my weight and feel better about myself inside and out. But i think its going to be hard because all the other times if i wasnt seeing results i would give up. I hope I can finally do it.

So, joining the Marines and feeling better about one’s self — those are the real reason why Jamie and Kendra want to lose weight.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful. Jamie very clearly wants to become a Marine. If we were to press Jamie further (Jamie, feel free to comment here), we would find lots of feelings about why loosing weight is good. It is sure to be a self image boost. But the clear and concrete goal of becoming a Marine is what will motivate Jamie to work at it.

If you want to change an old habit or accomplish a new goal find a clear and concrete reason to succeed, find someone who will join you in the effort, do it for yourself, and don’t become a slave to other people’s approval.

In Kendra's case, improving the way she feels about herself is her main motivation. All of us want to feel better about ourselves for one reason or another. And no doubt, some people have lost weight with that motivation alone, but is chasing those good feelings alone enough to keep her losing weight when some unexpected stress comes?

What Jamie has done, and what Kendra can do as well, is to lock onto a reason for wanting to lose weight that is more concrete than feelings alone.

Without knowing the kind of things that motivate Kendra, it’s hard to suggest a specific concrete reason that will help her focus on accomplishing her weight loss goal. However, whatever your reason, there are a couple of additional things all can do that will help keep us motivated to accomplish our resolution goals.

1. Don’t do it alone.

I wrote about this in last week’s blog. You’ve got to enlist someone to believe in you, be honest with you, and encourage you, and ideally pursue the goal with you. Accountability is a very motivating thing. Even professional athletes pair up to work out together in the off season. They need friends to hold them accountable and so do you and I.

2. Do it for yourself, not for what others think.

Being motivated by what others think or by trying to prove something to others (family, friends, enemies, anyone) can be a very powerful but addictive motivator. It just keeps you hooked on other people’s approval.

Next Week: I want to talk about some attitudes that will definitely change your life and probably already have. So, here the big question: Being optimistic or being depressed, being gracious or being critical — what is your greatest attitude struggle and how has that attitude affected your life?

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174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

Dawson — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 14:30:00 GMT

Have you ever made a New Years Resolution? Lots of people do. Unfortunately, most of them are never accomplished and quickly forgotten.Some people have quit making resolutions because they failed so often.

So why should you bother?

My answer is, because YOU are worth it. The people who have quit reflecting on their bad habits, mistakes and dreams have often given up the hope of bettering themselves or bettering the world around them.

Pat yourself on the back for each success, forgive yourself for each slip, but stick with it.

I care for you too much to let you do that without at least having this conversation. You can’t undo a mistake or avoid the consequences, but you can change a bad habit, learn not to make the same mistakes again or begin to accomplish a big dream.

You won’t accomplish your dreams or change the world overnight, but you can make some progress toward it every day, no matter how small.

So, here are a few tips for how to turn important New Years Resolutions into successful improvements in your life.

1. Don’t be discouraged if you aren't perfect from the start. When you say that you’re going to do something or change something, especially if it is something you’ve never had the habit of doing before, don’t expect perfection. Resolve something doable and don’t be discouraged if you don’t do it perfectly. Pat yourself on the back for each success, forgive yourself for each slip, but stick with it.

2. Take one bite at a time. Do something small today, something small tomorrow, and the next day and the next and the next…It is amazing what you and I can do if we are persistent. The problem, habit or dream you are tackling may be big, but you can make it manageable by dealing with it one day at a time.

Develop a way of keeping your goal in front of you every day.

3. Out of sight; out of mind; out of gas. Resolutions are no good if you don’t keep the idea in front of you. Develop a way of keeping your goal in front of you every day. Put it on your fridge, write it on your hand, sent yourself a text – whatever it takes. The point is that if you don’t keep your resolution in front of you, the pursuit of it will never become a habit. Without habits, dreams never become realities. So find a way to remind yourself every day of where you have determined to go, but also the next step you have to take to get there.

4. Make it simple, clear and compelling. Your Resolution may be small or big, easy or challenging. Both are fine, but the important thing is to make it simple. I suggest you write it down and keep writing it until you get it into one clear statement that fires you up and is easy to remember. Not good at writing? Ask a friend or friends to help you. A Resolution is a mission that you want to accomplish. Make sure your mission is so strong and clear that it makes you believe it and in yourself. This will help you stick with it on the hard days and through the tough times.

5. Two Times, Better than One. If you’re really serious about making (or breaking) a habit, or about achieving a special dream, you need to get someone to team up with you. Someone who will help you break it down, keep it simple, stick with it, encourage you, challenge you, believe in you. It can be a friend, a parent, a coach, a counselor, a pastor. And more than one is even better. The point is, people who are really serious about change, never go it alone. They find that key person or persons to help them.

6. Change Goes Inside Out. A guy named Stephen Covey once wrote a book about habits. The idea behind the book was that most successful people get what they want—not by luck, not by who they know, not by where or to whom they were born, and not by being in the right place at the right time. They do it by developing a few key habits, and those habits, if maintained, all but guarantee a high degree of success.

Next Week: I want to stick with this idea for at least one more week. So here’s my question: Where do you want to go and what are the key habits that are going to get you there? Or what are the bad habits that may keep your from getting there?

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175. Habits: The Reason Behind Your Resolution - Motivation

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173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

Dawson — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 19:54:00 GMT

In the previous blog on How to Give a Gift that Matters, I talked about how materialistically crazy Christmas has become. For many, especially children, the meaning of Christmas is simply how many good presents they get. But as we all know (hopefully), that’s not the real meaning of Christmas.

As we get older, we realize that there’s more to it than presents. Every now and then there will be a movie or news story on television about some truly generous giver. And with that, we are reminded of a better perspective on the holidays; that it is like Jesus said, “More blessed to give than to receive.”

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is giving – right?

Well… no.

Whether your focus is on getting presents or on giving presents — either way, the true meaning of Christmas is not about the presents.

For many, Christmas is either merry or depressing because of how many good presents they are able to give. And for some, because their financial situation makes it very difficult to give, they have come to hate the Christmas holidays — because of all the giving. Whether your focus is on getting presents or on giving presents — either way, the true meaning of Christmas is not about the presents.

So, if the true meaning of Christmas not giving or receiving presents, then what?

Many Facebook and blog commentators wrote that the most difficult part of Christmas for them was a person who was not with them any more.

Amanda wrote: the best part of christmas is being with my family. the worst part is not having my grandfather here anymore. he passed away in august of 2007, 3 weeks before my birthday. he always was the life of every family gathering especially christmas when he dressed up as Santa. every year when he dressed up i always had a picture taken w/ him...i'm only 22 and he's been my everything. it's hard knowing he's not here. he got me santa figurines every year as a present. now i buy one every year to remember him.

Tragedy always helps us recalibrate our sense of values. It shakes us up and brings us back to reality. It reminds us of what is really important.

Those of you who are regular listeners to thehopeline radio program or who follow us on Facebook, know about the recent tragedy in my family; that my son, Fulton, was seriously injured in a car accident and at the time of this blog is still in a coma. There is great uncertainty about what lies ahead if and when he comes out of the coma. I can’t tell you how blessed and encourage I am from the hundreds of prayers, well wishes, and encouraging words.

Christmas is about totally pure, unconditional, irrepressible, inconceivably, awesome, self-denying - TRUE LOVE.

It’s like the old Cat Stephens’ song (way before your time) — “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” With my son, Fulton, lying in a coma at this very moment I have been forced to stare this truth in the face. Yes, I’m just like the rest of you, and especially like those for whom tragedy (or near tragedy) is a reminder to us of what is really important. Christmas is so much more than presents, receiving them or even giving them.

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is about the people in your life that you love.

As much as I feel the importance of loved ones at this moment (and will be reminded of it every Christmas for the rest of my life)… No, that’s not the real meaning of Christmas. There are people all over the world who love their friends and family but who do not celebrate Christmas.

Okay, so what is the real meaning of Christmas?

I’m no Scrooge. Christmas is partly about giving and receiving gifts and it is about celebrating the family and friends in our lives. But the real meaning of Christmas is something even higher, bigger, and infinitely better that all of that. Christmas is about totally pure, unconditional, irrepressible, inconceivably awesome, self-denying — TRUE LOVE.

John was one of twelve disciples of Jesus, and he wrote the book in the Bible known as The Gospel of John. The word “gospel” means good news.

John, Disciple of Jesus, wrote: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

I like what Michelle wrote on our Facebook page. I could easily understand how Christmas could be the worse time of the year for her. But she seems to have put it all together—realizing importance of the people in her life, the real meaning of Christmas, and because of both those things, the true joy of giving.

Michelle wrote: Hardest part of Christmas is losing my mom on December 26th to cancer. Best part of Christmas is celebrating the true reason for the season -- the birth of baby Jesus and the HOPE He brings to all. Another best part of Christmas for me is visiting the cancer center where my mom had treatments and giving a teddy bear to a cancer patient from Build-A- Bear workshop in honor and in memory of my mom. Bittersweet moment but well worth the tears :o)

Merry Christmas to you all! — Dawson

Next Week: With Christmas passed and New Years on the way, people begin thinking about resolutions. What are some of your New Years resolutions? Any suggestions on how to turn those resolutions into reality?

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174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

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172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

Dawson — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:39:00 GMT

Based on some of the comments from Facebook and thehopeline.com, here are several thoughts about gift giving at Christmas.

1. Rich or poor, young or old — Christmas today is about presents.

Carter wrote: The best thing about Christmas is the presents! wooooo!!!!!!! and worst waiting for the presents

Katherine wrote: The most difficult part is knowing that some people don't get to experience the joy that it brings because they think that if they don't have money they can't enjoy the season itself.

Carter is so excited about getting presents that the worst part of the holidays for him is the waiting. I’ll say this for Carter: he is definitely focused. The worst part for Katherine is the thought that there will be no joy for some kids because they won’t have many presents. Those two comments are actually saying the same thing—Christmas is all about getting presents. The more you get, the greater your Christmas. The fewer you get, the sadder your Christmas.

How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

With that idea in play, it is easy to get the feeling that your love for people is going to be measured by how much money you spend on them. And so, thought #2 is not surprising.

2. The most common stress point of the Christmas holidays is the lack of money. One person put it this way: “I am spending money that I do not have, buying stuff for people that they do not need and often do not want. But I’ve got to do it.” Many people feel the same way, but no matter how tight money gets, they just can’t get away from the obligation.

Angela wrote: We recently lost our car n got a ugly 1 to replace it and drinks gas like water. I'm still living with family and I have a kid and a bf and both of our families have money problems. So while I try buy presents I gotta save for a car, support gas, and support necessities in the fams. I got 2 jobs but they're both min wage

Tara wrote: What is the most difficult part of Christmas for me? Not having enough money to get my kids gifts. Had to borrow $ this year=(

Alma wrote: Feeling pressured to buy all ur family members presents, when u dont got money cos u dont got a freakking job!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I love you dawson♥

Thanks for the love, Alma.

No adult relative on this planet is going to turn down a sincere request from a 13-year old to go in together on a gift for her mother.

If you’ve been around grandparents during the holidays, you may have heard them talk about a small little gift they got for Christmas — a toy truck or a sled. And if you have been around your great grandparents, you might hear stories about getting an apple or a piece of candy for Christmas. It was their only present, they tell you, and they were so thrilled to get it. That was definitely the olden days.

How did things get so crazy? A lot of it has to do with living in the most prosperous nation on earth. Yeah, I know—if you don’t have a lot of that prosperity, living in the midst of it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everyone else just wasn’t so prosperous.

A big part of the craziness is also the result of non-stop advertizing. It’s like they grab our kids’ brains and make them think they are destitute without the latest toy or gadget.

What has also contributed to things getting so out of whack is that we have simply passed down the tradition from one generation to the next, each one trying to out-do the last. So, no matter how much great granddad talks about getting that single apple for Christmas, it doesn’t change things. It’s hard to put the materialistic toothpaste back in the tube.

I can really sympathize with parents wanting to give to their kids. Kids don’t yet understand about it being the thought that counts. But they may not be as materialistic as we think either, especially little kids. How many parent have spent a small fortune on presents for their kids to open on Christmas morning, only to watch them spent the rest of the day playing with the boxes? How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

3. It’s not easy to give people what they want.

Ciera wrote: What is the most difficult part for me? Figuring out what to get people, and cooking >.>

Becky wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is giving. not the act of giving. but trying to give ppl what they really want. im 13. really hard to get my mom what she wants when i have a budget of $50 total for presents

GIVING TIP: If you’re short on cash (and most of you are) and want to give a neat gift, try this approach: 1) Find out what a person really wants; 2) go for the better gift, something that is a long-term keeper; and 3) get brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle, parent, etc. to go in together. A better gift from 2-3 people usually trumps several little gifts. It works for kids as well as parents.

Either Way, by asking for the list, you put the burden on them to come up with the idea of a likeable gift at every price range.

Note to Becky: No adult relative on this planet is going to turn down a sincere request from a 13-year old to go in together on a gift for her mother? Don’t have an adult relative handy? Same thing will work with one of your mother’s good friends. You just have to come up with a great gift idea.

Heather wrote: The most difficult part for me, and for some of the other members in my family, is having family members who will actually open up their gifts and say it's not what they wanted. It's hard when every year there is someone who is so blatantly ungrateful and unsatisfied. Kinda takes the Christmas spirit right out of me.

Note to Heather: Unless they are your own kids, I’m not sure you can do anything about the bad attitudes. But try this tip:

GIVING TIP: It is amazing to me how extreme gift giving has become to the Christmas holidays. But at the same time, I am amazed at how few people actually make out a detailed wish list. Everyone to whom you plan to give a gift, simply ask them for a wish list with price ranges from low to high. You might take the go-in-together approach on a more expensive gift, or you can go for one of the smaller gift. IMPORTANT POINT HERE: Either way, by asking for the list, you put the burden on them to come up with the idea of a likeable gift at every price range.

Next week: How about a suggestion for thehopeline.com visitors on how put the real spirit and meaning back into your Christmas?

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173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

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171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

Dawson — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 15:37:00 GMT

People at all ages are living very busy lives these days. It may not be that we do more things than before; it’s just that life happens faster and faster. Can’t explain the physics of that, but I sure feel it. And so, when given the opportunity (or the obligation) to stop everything for a Christmas vacation with your family — some people begin to go a little stir crazy.

Sofie Mehrotra wrote: yes! i do get bored over the holidays! They’re awesome and all, but YES!

Rebecca Xavier wrote: when I get bored I usually try and use my time to make banners/pictures for TheHopeLine.com

(Thanks Rebecca!)

Katie Wilick wrote: Do I get  bored over the holidays? I want to kill my self over that time!!

(Don’t do it Katie. Life will be back to normal in a few days.)

Some people’s trauma during the holidays has to do with missing their every-day friends.

Ashley R James wrote: i will be sitting down or lying in bed in tears because i want to be with my best friend

(Wow! You must have a pretty awesome friend.)

Lots of people wrote that they spend a lot of their Christmas vacation on Facebook or texting friends.

So, let’s see if I’ve imagined a typical picture of the Christmas holiday. Visiting relatives who are either a lot older than you or cousins you don’t know very well, missing your friends, getting bored, and killing time by tweeting, texting, or checking in with FB contacts.

How closely does that describe your experience?

That might be exactly what you want to do, and if so, I guess you won’t be bored. But if you’re looking for something different, here are a few ideas:

But think about doing this: Just post a message saying, “Going offline for awhile,” and then do something totally outside your normal life.

1. Go offline for a while. I know it’s hard to live a normal life knowing that there might be a text msg waiting. But think about doing this: Just post a message saying, “Going offline for awhile,” and then do something totally outside your normal life. Everyone will wonder what in the world you are up to (suspense rises with time, and they eventually begin tweeting each other about what you are doing). Not only will you have something interesting (or outrageous) to talk about when you reappear, you might even be considered cool for doing this. Besides, being hopelessly devoted to your cell phone while visiting relatives can be a little offensive. They don’t get it, and so they take it personally.

If you shut down your cell phone, the boredom factor might escalate quickly. So, you’ve got to find something to do fast. Whether or not you go off-line, here are some ideas about non-typical things to do.

2. Random Acts of Anything: I know a guy who systematically forces randomness into his life. He and his wife go to the movie theater on the first Thursday for each month and buy tickets to the very next show, no matter what it is. Every time he goes on a business trip, he closes his eyes and picks one magazine off the newsstand for every hour of flight time. There are some oddities about this guy, but his is never bored or boring.

Uncharacteristic Entertainment: You can’t beat a good book. Tired of homework or don’t like to read? Check out an audiobook. You can rent audiobooks at Cracker Barrel, check them out of the library, or download from iTunes. And hey, this could not only be fun, but you might be able to use it for a book report later on. Nothing like reading / listening to a thriller to pass the time.

Kendall Burroughs-ray wrote: well i just read books, write stories, or even sometimes listen to music that makes me have so much fun on the holidays.

Don’t like what older relatives are talking about? Don’t enjoy the conversation? Change the subject.

3. Journal Like Crazy. Even though you may not think the story of your life will be a NY Times bestseller, you’ll be really glad one day that you wrote things down. Though you don’t realize it now, you’ll be surprised how many great experiences you’ll forget. So, constructing a 2010 year-in-review is a worthwhile thing to do.

4. De-junk: The holidays are a great time to go through your stuff and get rid the junk. Simplifying and downsizing always make me feel better.

5. Change the Conversation: Don’t like what older relatives are talking about? Don’t enjoy the conversation? Change the subject. Get Uncle Fred alone and ask, “What was the most exciting thing you’ve ever done? What’s the best decision and the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? If you were 18 and had your life to live over again, what would you do?

I can imagine a teenage girl wanting to get away by herself during the holidays. When mom objects, the previously interviewed and now allied Uncle Fred says, “Oh, let her go. She’s probably got more interesting things to do.”

The point is that if you are crafty enough, you can exchange one hour of meaningful conversation with Uncle Fred for a whole afternoon of hanging out with the old folks.

Next Week: Do you have any suggestions about how to give gifts that matter?

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172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

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170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

Dawson — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:38:00 GMT

Christmas holidays can be the best of times or the worst of times. For many, it’s both—a season of great food, family, and gifts mixed with enough stress to push you right over the edge.

Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays tend to magnify both the blessings and the problems in our lives. And so we are reminded of and confronted with all the reality (good and bad) that we tend to forget or try to ignore during the rest of the year. About mid-November the excitement and the anxiety gradually begin to rise.

The holidays are stressful for everyone but especially for those of you whose parents are separated.

Rcpo wrote: The hardest part of my christmas is having my family not being together

Tyler wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is being rushed between my parent's houses. I feel bad about leaving one parent for the other

For those of you who have doing this a few years, you know of issues:

Parents picking up where they left off criticizing the other and trying to recruit you to their side
Parents spending money they don’t have, trying either to work off their guilt or to buy your affection
One parent getting offended because you spent one-half day longer with the other
Opposing families arguing about where you will go and when
Your Christmas plans being determined by some legal document
Anger about what the separation has done to your holidays

Just when you think things can’t get any more complicated, separated parents remarry, and you have to deal with all the steps — stepmother, stepfather, stepbrothers, stepsisters, and even “step-relatives.” I read about one couple in their second year of marriage. Negotiating their holiday plans with their separated and remarried parents became so stressful that they had to see a therapist to cope with the pressure.

We are reminded of and confronted with all the reality (good and bad) that we tend to forget or try to ignore during the rest of the year.

Anna wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas is spending it without my father or any of his family being around. I don't know any of my mother's family so gatherings are extremely awkward. Holidays are just all around extremely lonely and depressing for me; I just don't find happiness in them anymore

The Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons are all about ideal families getting together. And so, during these holidays, kids with separated families can’t avoid feeling some sense of loss.

Stephanie wrote: Probably the most difficult part of Christmas for me is seeing how much things or life in general have changed from one year to the next and how things can never be as they once were

Situations vary based several factors: 1) how well parents have been able to deal with their own issues and how well they have adjusted to the new normal; 2) your age and independence, 3) the distance between parents, and 4) enforceable divorce settlements regarding the holidays.

So, facing (what is for many) the dreaded Christmas holidays, here are a few tips that might help:

1) Get ahead of the competition. Make your Christmas list and encourage parents to go in together. In other words, try to get rid the competition between them. It may sound good at first having parents competing to buy your loyalty or to make up for what the separation had done to your life. But it will eventually backfire on you. The extra stress between separate parents (which will certainly find its way to you) is not worth the extra stuff.

2) Set some boundaries of your own. Typically, parents get together and agree on boundaries they set for their children. The “rules and boundaries thing” for kids with separated parents can get really crazy, especially when it comes to the holidays. Because it can be such an explosive issue, holiday plans are often spelled out by lawyers with great detail in divorce settlements. As you get older, you are going to have more ability to set your own boundaries. Again, it’s good to get out in front of the conflict. Make your travel plans around the mid September and let everyone else work around. Too late for that this year, but make a note.

Don’t give up on the holidays too quickly. Of course, you could get angry and make a pronouncement, “Okay, here’s my boundary: I’m just not coming!” But before you abandon everything and everybody, use boundaries to try to make things work. For instance—“We’re coming, but we’re not going to listen to or participate in conversations that run down the other parent.”

Should your boundaries be deal-breakers? By that I mean saying, “These are the condition, or I’m not coming.” Maybe so, maybe not. You’re going to have to feel that one out yourself. But if you set boundaries, make sure the conditions are considerate of others and not self-centered demands.

3) Get the focus off all your problems. Several listeners and readers commented that the most difficult part of the holidays for them is being aware of people who have far less.

Zack wrote: The difficult part of Christmas for me is knowing that there are less fortunate kids out there that don't get Christmas

Even when family members can find nothing to agree on or no happy thought to share, they can always find someone in greater need—someone you can all feel good about helping.

If you dread the Christmas holidays because they are so materialistic or because they highlights aspects of your family that anger or depress you, try this: Start a new tradition by getting as many in your family as possible involved doing something for someone less fortunate. There are lots of ways to do this. All of you volunteer to serve a meal at a rescue mission. Everyone fill a Christmas shoebox for Samaritan’s Purse. Get involved with Prison Fellowship’s Angel Tree by providing Christmas gifts for the children of prisoners. Find someway to give to those in your community and ask relatives to join you. Even when family members can find nothing to agree on or no happy thought to share, they can always find someone in greater need—someone you can all feel good about helping. It just requires someone to take the lead, and it doesn’t have to be someone from the older generation.

Most opportunities to help others during the holidays are not spur-of-the-moment kind of things. It will take some thinking ahead. Starting a tradition of giving can transform something that has lost a lot of it’s meaning (like Christmas holidays for separated families) and turn it into something that has even greater meaning—something you can feel really good about together.

Here’s a question for next week. Do you get bored over the holidays? What do you do with so much downtime?

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171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

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169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

Dawson — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:13:00 GMT

Last weekend Jodie Foster (not the actress), her 12-year old daughter, Kayla, and her two step children stood in the middle of LP field during the second quarter of the Tennessee Titans – Washington Redskins game. They thought they were being honored for a winning essay they had all written together about husband and father, Mark E. Foster – a sergeant in 101st Combat Aviation Brigade. He is on his fifth deployment, the latest being to Afghanistan eight months ago. In that essay Jodie asked the kids about their dad.

The Foster’s daughter, Hunter, said: My dad drove in a snowstorm at 35 mph from Kentucky to Ohio, a nine-hour trip that ended up taking 16, just to spend a few hours with me and hold my hand after my knee surgery. Then he had to leave the next morning to make it back to work on time. If that's not a true sacrifice, I don't know what is.

Kayla, their daughter, said: My dad loved me enough to adopt me. Mom, no one gave me to him, he picked me. I am proud of him for enduring what he does and the sacrifices and choices he has made in life to give us the life we have today.

Son Cody said: I see the honor in his eyes every morning he puts on that uniform, and one day I want my family to look at me the way we look at dad.

The LP Field announcer said something about a surprise. Jodi turned around, and there was Mark with yellow roses in hand, on the sidelines in the middle of a bunch of Titan players. What followed was the whole family crying, running, hugging, and kissing as 69,000 fans cheered wildly, and Trace Atkins’ song, American Solider, boomed over the speakers.

I wish that every homecoming was just like that -- soldier comes home, war is left behind, everything is back to normal, and they all live happily every after. Many times it is exactly like that. Many times it is not.

One soldier came home to a party attended by a house full of family and relatives. His wife later commented, “It was just overwhelming for him—too much too soon.”

They went downtown for a stroll, but the low brick buildings reminded him of some buildings in Iraq. There was a crowd of people and lots of street noise. “That was not a good idea,” she said.

“I had planned the perfect first night back together,” one wife commented, “but it turned out to be rather awkward. It was like making love to a stranger. We should have spent more time reconnecting.”

One day a soldier, back home from a combat deployment, finally said to his frustrated wife who kept telling him to come to dinner, “I can’t. I’m in Iraq.” She had grown more and more frustrated because she didn’t know what that meant. Why doesn’t he just get over it and move on, she thought.

Others talk about nightmares, emotional detachment, fixation on their war experiences, the difficulty of adjusting from a wife running the household all by herself to dad being home, and (to the shock and amazement of a spouse or loved one) the compelling desire to go back.

As great as it is to be back home, sometimes that just starts the process of leaving the war behind. When soldiers are deployed in a war zone, they are always busy, constantly on guard, and completely focused on their mission and responsibilities. When they get home, the place where they can relax and stand down emotionally, that is when all the emotional issues, held back while on deployment, begin to surface.

It can be frustrating to a wife who has always assumed that she could just love him through whatever problems he has. Realizing that alone isn’t going to fix him, she begins to take things personally.

Dealing with combat-related stress takes time, patience, and almost always some counseling. It’s a lot like many other issues that can overwhelm a relationship — the death of a child, the chronically ill family member, or enormous financial stress.

About two or three years after her husband returned from Iraq, Merritt Stephens talked about her experiences to NotAlone.com, one of our ministry partners.

Merritt said: At this point we are in a good place in our relationship, but we have certainly been through our share of ups and downs. When he came back from combat, there were a lot of issues we really struggled with. We even talked about divorce a few times, which was really scary. I felt like I was a strong independent woman, and I could walk away from the relationship if I needed to. But as we talked about deep feelings, we always came back to our commitment to each other and how much we meant to each other. We have shared our lives together, and we really are each other’s best friends. As much as combat and the related issued have been difficult on our relationship, in a way it has brought us closer. We sought counseling together, we’ve each had to work on our own stuff, and we realize that we really love each other from somewhere deep in our souls. It has made us stronger, more committed to each other. We feel now there is nothing we cannot get through.

Sergeant Mark E. Foster who surprised his family at LP Field, is scheduled to return to his unit in Iraq in two weeks.

For military personnel and their families dealing with the combat related stress issues, I recommend that you contact Not Alone through their website at www.NotAlone.com

Next week I will begin a few posts on dealing with issues that come to the surface during the Christmas holidays.

What is the best and most difficult part of Christmas for you? Your Comments?

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170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

Dawson — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 15:24:00 GMT

If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a “much more intense” experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction. Below is just a sampling of comments about loved ones on deployment.

Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.

Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.

HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.

nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.

Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment they can make it through anything.

I've again asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families. Note: I use the term “soldier(s)” referring to personnel in all branches of military service.

Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers, the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're frontline like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little down time, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that down time is focused on getting ready to go again.

Dawson: Perhaps, it's more that just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect ― whether they communicate a lot or a little.

Mike: It's really important for spouses at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military wives helps. One of those things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road, every one is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one guy loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.

Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being “warrior guy” to “relationship guy.” And sometimes he just can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on him or he fears it will be too hard on you. So, he give you small talk about trivial things. If a spouse doesn't understand this, she can take it personally and begin to doubt his feelings, which leads to more awkward conversations... It can snowball on you if you're not careful.

Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?

Mike: Mostly, they are so engaged with what they're doing, they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing he needs to hear is complaining about problems at home. That's like pouring salt into an open wound. He might even begin avoiding the phone calls.

Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?

Mike: Maybe something along these lines: “Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this!”

Dawson: While it's difficult for spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison it's much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home. True?

Mike: No, not true at all. A lot guys have no clue about how difficult it is for wives and girlfriends at home. Part of that is because some of them don't have much emotional intelligence to begin with. So, they're not big on empathy for their loved ones, even when they are home. So, it's not a deployment thing, it just their thing.

Like I said before, some guys have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense ― fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. At times problems at home that are huge to their spouses, seem trivial to them by comparison.

Again, the more spouses and love ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.

Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their own individual battles to fight.

Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.

Dustin wrote: I would like to say that it takes a stronger spouse to have the other spouse in the military.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 3): Coming Home from a Deployment

For podcast by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

Dawson — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 03:14:00 GMT

Taylor wrote: “I believe it takes a special kind of person to date someone who is military and it is definitely not easy. Both people have to work extremely hard for it to work. As long as both people want the relationship to work and are loyal with each other, then the relationship can work.”

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one but if you love someone enough then it's NOT hard to be faithful! Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home (MEN and women) are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military! It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

We get a lot of calls from people in the military. By “people in the military,” I mean soldiers, spouses, parents, and children. I've include all of these because no one goes into the military without some impact on those he/she loves.

I've asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to join me on these next few blog posts. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families.

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands of Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that's just the A's. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they're not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds – wIll they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what's really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it's difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson: Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don't know but what they do know – the things they have suddenly come to realize. It's not unusual for some to throw in the comment: “I didn't sign up for this!”

Mike: I've heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier's time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It's not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, “I didn't sign up for this!”

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you're right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could “do their thing” in the military, while the other continues to “do their thing” in the civilian world unaffected. So, in a way – yes; the solider and spouse need sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike: There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about – college tuition, see the world... that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kind of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe those benefits “change you,” “serve (something else),” and “be part of (another) family” might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That's what many are afraid of – heading off in different directions.

Mike: Yes, but is doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 2): Dealing with Deployments

For podcasts by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

Dawson — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 18:49:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I wanted to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. This part two of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks; thing-four thru thing-six.

#4. Getting Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button. Many people commented about being hurt or disappointed so many times that they now have a hard time simply pressing the reset button and starting over. They began with some idealistic notions about romance but eventually grew very discouraged and cynical about relationships. Some seem to be losing hope.

Michelle wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? never. the right guys always seem to hurt you at some point.. girls are better off waiting til theyre older then dating, and making a living for themselves. i just dont believe there is a good enough guy, anywhere.

Crystal wrote: Life is so complicated. You spend more time trying to figure out where the previous relationship went wrong that you give up hope that you are meant to be with anyone.

Dave wrote: It's been three years now, and I still have trouble trusting women.

SW wrote: Theres no hope for us, relationships will almost always fail, and believe me, i still havent accepted this yet because it still scares me. I HOPE im not right about this.

HARD TRUTH: Many people who have lost a lot money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions. They are said to be “snake-bit.” People who have been through several bad relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don't yet know... that relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about where and how much of your heart and emotions to invest, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get “snake-bit.”

5. Sex and Boredom. It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to talking about forever, to boredom, to break up. Many blog commenters pointed to that last stage as the reason from a lot of cheating.

Jeremy wrote: Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Boredom and things get stale. Guys see it as an excuse to look for something exciting to add that thrill back.

Briana wrote: Why do guys cheat? I think guys get bored easily. They want something new and fresh...And a new girl is new and fresh to them!

HARD TRUTH: There is a thing called the Law of Diminishing Return. Put simply, how far you are willing go physically with your BG/GF gets less and less thrilling. To continue getting that same thrill, you have to go a little farther. But then after you've gone all the way, what else is there to do?

Anonymous wrote: I think guys cheat on there girlfriends because they get tired of kissing, or having sex with the same chick. Especially when they are younger guys.

HARD TRUTH (continued): Sex doesn't keep a BG/GF; it often condemns the relationship to failure. There is deep sense of satisfaction and contentment in old friendships. Because you go way back and have a lot of good history together, you just feel comfortable and relaxed with each other. Nothing special needs to be happening, you just enjoy hanging out together. Relationships based on the thrill of sex or making out are just the opposite. You get bored with each other after a while, there is no place farther to go, and someone begins looking something new to get that thrill again.

6. Standing Alone. There is a lot of pressure on people to be hooked up with a BF/GF. Have you ever known a person with a terribly sad history in dating relationships but at the same time who seems offended that you are not doing the same thing. It's like they take your unwillingness to follow their mistakes as a personal attack. Lot of crazy peer pressure out there!

Sarah wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? ...stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseparable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

HARD TRUTH: Don't follow the crowd! It takes courage to carve out your own path. It takes courage to set your standards high. It takes courage to say NO. It takes courage wait.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

Dawson — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:26:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I want to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. I won't repeat what has already been written. You can read my last four blogs and see everyone comments. Below are three of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks:

1. Too Afraid to End It. A lot of people (guys and girls) commented that guys don't end relationships before moving on because either they don't know how to tell their girlfriend it's over, or they simply wimp out and avoid all uncomfortable conversations. Some even cheat as a means of breaking up.

Melzers wrote: I think guys cheat ... because they want to end their current relationship...

Dustin wrote: ...He (looks for) a way to make her leave him, so He finds someone else who fits those needs and finds a way to let her find out.

Dante wrote: There are guys who cheat because they know its over but they're not willing to end it... In the meantime he goes out and cheats till he gets caught.

HARD TRUTH: Nobody changes the oil in a car they have already decided to trade in. Get the point? If a guy has already decided to move on, preserving and maintaining the current relationship is not a high priority. Sometimes those signs are not hard for a GF to recognize. Often girls are cheated on because after seeing the clear signs that the BF is shopping around, she should have dumped him on the spot. Instead, she hang on until he cheats on her.

sw2 wrote: I read the first blog, and i love what she (Anonymous) said, ? think i just realized why men cheat, well one reason at least, its because it's so hard walking away, and letting go, hurting someone....When i read it, i knew that i had to take that step with the guy I'm dating, let him know it's not personal, but im ready to move on. Im not a cheater, but i've never been so unhappy with someone before and it's hard to walk away, so i've been miserable lately, and now i know how to leave, thank you.

2. Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place. Unfortunately, there were lots of comments by people who were clearly in toxic relationships. They know it, and probably everyone around them knows it too. They have been used and hurt and almost certainly will be used and hurt some more. But they cannot bring themselves to leave. Very sad!

Cristy wrote: i'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, f***** her then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i think i am done but i love him...

Gina wrote: (The) question would be why people stay with someone who cheats over and over again.

HARD TRUTH: The more you love someone, the more power you give them to hurt you. So, no love, then no hurt. But that's not the best solution (although that would have been better than some of the relationship wrecks I have heard about). The hard truth is that you have to save yourself and guard your heart. You have to measure out your emotions according to your age, how much you really know about a person, and your true prospects for a life-time together. Guys or girls who get into relationships and quickly put the gas pedal to the floor emotionally are going to have so many wrecks, their love life might be permanently damaged because...

3. Simple Trust Is Hard to Come by. Several commented about being deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually and yet still have very deep trust issues; trusting their BF/GF about their true feeling, their faithfulness, or even if they are who they seem to be. On a radio program last weekend, Taylor Swift was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships. “It's when you think you know someone,she replied,”then later find out that is not at all who they were.”

Passion wrote: I've been dating this guy for 5 months and i found out he gave his number to another girl, I dont even see him the same as i used to, i look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.

LittleShorty wrote: He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But my problem is that he thinks i am cheating on him... but i am not cheating on him... What i wanna know if he is cheating on me or not...

HARD TRUTH: No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.

So, how do you arrive at trust? How to know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:

a. Start out by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.

b. Look for someone who will talk to you about common interest, as well as personal stuff like like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can't always go on what people says, but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpses of what is really inside that person. What if they don't want to talk about that kind of stuff? It's not a deal breaker, but unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what's really in there.

c. What they do and how they act under pressure. That's when our real selves begin to show.

d. Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are―not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she want to turn you into. Loves you for who you, just as you are, right now.

Next week the last blog post I'll finish talking about the six things I learned from your comments on Why Guys Cheat 4. Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button; 5. Sex and Boredom; and 6. Standing Alone.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

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164. Finding the Right Guy

164. Finding the Right Guy - Revisited

Dawson — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:14:00 GMT

First, a quick review from the last three blog posts:

161. Guys are not that complex and neither are the reasons why some of them cheat on their girlfriends. 1) Either they don't understand or value the relationship the way their girlfriends do, or 2) but their ability to resist temptation has been weakened through friends and bad role models or simply because they have been allowed to get away with it.

162. Beyond asking why guys in general cheat, it is more important to find out why your particular boyfriend cheated on you. Learning from that bad experience has a lot to do with how honestly we answer questions about how and why we got into the relationship to begin with.

163. There are at least a half a dozen bad ways to respond to being cheated on, all of which will reduce you chances of finding the right guy.

Having said all of that, below are a few things to keep in mind that hopefully with help you with your next move forward?

1. The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love not lust, not popularity, not need.

Rebecca wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? Its going to be a guy that respects you for your morals and values, someone that is willing to do anything for you, without going over their own boundaries, which you should respect.

Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else… In other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy, wanty people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.

2. Secure people build secure relationships. The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life. If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from get from other relationships with family, with friends, and with God. If you don't have a supportive family, then you get it from great friends and God. If you don't have supportive family or great friends God is there for you in a very special way.

3. Understand that there is a balance in all good relationships. That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their slave.

The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is down right terrifying for a lot of guys. On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in the own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into foundation of a relationship.

4. The girls who find the best guys are ones who are willing to wait for the right one.

Ashley wrote: It takes time but when u look he will never come but if u stop looking he shows up. I stopped looking and the best guy came into my life. All i can do now is pray that we stay together.

Sarah wrote: same here ashley.. stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseperable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

Here is little paradox. You find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don't keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building the own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship no guy in his right mind would cheat on.

Next blog: A few thoughts on all the comments you have made. Please leave me some more comments this week that I can respond to!

ALSO, here is another blog that I wrote a while back on Finding The Right Guy >>

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

Dawson — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 14:01:00 GMT

A tearful girl and two of her BFFs sitting at a coffee shop—

Girl #1: He cheated on me… I cannot believe it! HE CHEATED ON ME!!!

Girl #2: Well, I can't believe you just figured that out. He's been cheatin' on you for a long time.

Girl #3: You don't need to put up with that. You need to find you guy who appreciates you. I think you and James would be good together. I can set you up.

Girl #2: Well, I think you need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that…

Girl #1: He is the third guy who has cheated on me. I guess all guys are just pigs.

It is always painful when marriages or dating relationships come apart and usually far more painful for one person than the other. But cheating — that makes a painful situation so much worse. It not just a matter of your boyfriend saying that he doesn't want to be with you anymore; cheating is major disrespect. So, what do you if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do:

1. Don’t waste time trying to get even. One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end you just making yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but is sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating but say to yourself, I'm too good for that.

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love. Suicide is the ultimate example of people trying to strike back at others by hurting themselves. When they find me, she says to herself, then he'll be sorry. Unfortunately, that also happens far too often.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: “Take your time moving on also don't just jump into a relationship the minuet your single. Moving on takes time and drowning you sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea... Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months and figure out what you want who you dont want and keep an open mind about relationships and people.”

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!”

3. Don't bear other people's guilt. When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater are totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4. Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: “Well, never rush into a relationship cus then so many thngs go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just trying to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start lookin for a new guy.”

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than then initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and rehearsing the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating. Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters. You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you — forge ahead. But if you are lookin for love with known cheaters, then you're lookin in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF.”

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like a plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance. There are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and the weakness for temptation are turned into rock solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl—not even you. Girls compete for guys, but who they are competing with are other girls. Taming that cheater makes a girl feel better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flatting words about how much better you are that his last girlfriend or all the terrible things she did that made him cheat.

THOSE ARE A FEW THINGS that you should not do. In the next blog post I want to talk about finding the best guy for you — maybe the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. Got any suggestions?

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164. Finding the Right Guy

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

Dawson — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:00:00 GMT

The original question in was Why Do Guys Cheat on their Girlfriends? But you are probably already thinking about the more important question: Why did (or why might) your boyfriend (BF) cheat on you?

When employees leave a company, the common practice is to conduct an exit interview. That is where the Director of Human Resources (HR) meets with the departing employee and questions about them why they are leaving. They talk about their job description, their working environment, and what they really think about their boss. They also want to know what the company could have done better to keep them. The HR director might even try to persuade them to stay or to come back if things don't work out with the new job. The objective for the company is to help them do a better job of recruiting and retaining good employees. If, however, an employee is caught stealing (or cheating), security guards usually escorts them out of the building and the exit interview never happens.

Most dating relationships do not end with constructive exit interviews, especially if it ends by one person cheating on the other. If you did have that kind of meeting, your objective would the same — to learn how to find and keep a better boyfriend (BF). So here is a little mental exercise — an imaginary exit interview with you, your ex-boyfriend, and the human resource director in charge of finding your next BF.

1. Describe how and why your relationship began with this cheating ex-boyfriend. What attracted you most to one another?

2. Were you or was he rebounding from another relationship? How and why did those relationships end?

3. What were you initially looking for in the relationship with the BF who cheated on you? Love, companionship, sex, marriage, popularity, interesting conversations, getting back at your previous ex-boyfriend, getting out of the house, getting back at your parents/guardians, something to do on the weekends?

4. What do you think your ex-boyfriend looking for?

5. Were there outside pressures weighing on you before and during the relationship? Peer pressure to have a boyfriend, pressure from friends, feeling left out of a your group, etc.

6. How deeply did the relationship go beyond physical attraction?

If you answer the imaginary exit interview questions in all honesty then you probably already know why the relationship didn't last. Being completely honest and straightforward (even with ourselves) is not as easy or as common as you might think. People spend as much or more time lying to themselves about their true intentions as they do lying to others. Have you ever listened to someone rant and rave about a person or a situation. And the more you listened, the more you realized that they were completely out of touch with really happened. They were so wound up about being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed that they just could not take an honest look at themselves.

Jen wrote: You know, this is one of those things that is quite difficult to answer, as to be honest, whoever knows why people do the things they do. There are many different opinions on why men and women cheat. To me, there are just way too many reasons as to know what the real "why" is or may be. As for me, I often still find myself wondering what the answers are. I'll admit, relationships confuse me to this very day! Every relationship I have been in, something bad has always happened... In the end, relationships are hard, and cheating occurs for answers I wish I knew. I have yet to figure this out. And I have yet to figure "me" out. Maybe that's the answer? I don't know.

Other people (perhaps, like Jen) seem to be quite sincere but just not have been able to dig down deep enough to pull out the answers. Being able to look at yourself with no-holding-back honesty is a pretty important part of learning from what has happened to you.

Cristy wrote: I'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, ****** her, then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i really trusted him and he doesn't understand.. i think i am done but i love him...

badboyloveshugs wrote: (Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? It is because) he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back.

Just because you were cheated on and just because it hurt really bad, doesn't necessarily mean you are going to learn anything from that experience. How do I know that? Because girls who have been cheated on often go back their cheating BFs, or they find a new BF who does the very same thing. The questions above help you take a long hard look inside. That kind of honest look at yourself is going to make you a wiser, deeper person, and one who is going to attract some great guys.

My next blog breaks down WHAT NOT TO DO AS YOU MOVE ONTO YOUR NEXT BF.

I want to hear from you. Tell me things that you have done badly when moving onto your next boyfriend! Also, tell me what you think is a healthy way to move on.

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

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161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

Dawson — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:31:00 GMT

This not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends (BFs) are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do not cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.

Some of you girls are already thinking — On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that, at least one that I would be attracted to. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys. If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your BFs. We'll get that later (Upcoming post #150. Moving onto the Right Guy).

And, yes, I know girlfriends cheat too. Maybe we'll get to that later, but for the next few blogs, we're going to talk about boyfriends.

Somewhere Between a Caveman & a Mechanical Engineer

There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and every-day conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that guys are really not that complex. The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to three things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.

BF CHEATING REASON #1: Big Misunderstanding

Dustin wrote: “I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this:

1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl, figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. Really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.”

Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem. You know how that usually turns out— clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears… When a very insecure person and very self-confident person begin dating, they almost always have a different understanding about the relationship. The girl might understand their relationship as being long-term, high-commitment, and exclusive (that means no other girls allowed). Her boyfriend may see things very differently. To him it is about hanging out, having fun, making out, and moving on. The truth is that he is not into her nearly as much as she is into him. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him. One reason guys cheat is that they have a different understanding about the relationship. And so, they don't think fooling around with another girl is cheating at all.

BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.

Dustin wrote (continued): 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. Girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love til they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.

BF CHEATING REASON #2: Relationship for a Different Reason

Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like, "I love you," "you're so beautiful…," and "spend our lives together…." The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a different. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most— the relationship.

On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but simply because the relationship is the way to get what they want — usually sex.

Megan wrote: “Guys who cheat on their girlfriends are inconsiderate jerks who need to grow up. If guys cheat, then they are obviously not ready to commit to a relationship. When guys cheat they usually cheat on a great girl who really cares about them for some ugly brainless girl who could care less about them.”

It's pretty simple—she wants a relationship, so much so that she is even tempted to offer some sex to get is. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex. Another reason guys cheat is that the relationship was never their goal—it was the sex.

BF CHEATING REASON #3: They Are Weaklings

BFs who cheat don't anyways do it with plan. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators. They try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.

A lot of guys and girls dream about being as different as possible from their parents. So the last thing on your checklist for a potential BF is his mom and dad. But think about this: when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing. Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated. Some BFs give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.

Most cheaters are repeat offenders. The most notorious cheater of late is Tiger Woods. He was married to one of hottest women on the planet but a big-time cheater with lots of women. BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives. Tiger claims to have a sexual addiction., and because of that, he just couldn't say no.

Hum… a sexual addiction? That may be true, but no one starts out with a sexual addiction. The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no until eventually — addicted. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too — even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.

Dustin wrote (again): “Men are pigs, women are crazy. My life was simplified after l accepted this.”

How does a good guy and a good BF become a cheater? I don't mean just a one-time slip. I'm talking about an habitual, intentional, lying, two-timing cheater. Two reasons: either he never gets caught or he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back. In other words, he has never had to face consequences that are painful enough to give him a good enough reason to stop.

THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION. It is not why guys in general cheat on their girlfriends but why your boyfriend cheated on you. In my next blog I will talk about how to figure that out.

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

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160. Using Your Anger for Good

160. Using Your Anger For Good

Dawson — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:42:00 GMT

This might sound a little foreign to you, but it’s not wrong to feel angry. It does matter, though, how you respond or react to it. You might not realize that you have a choice. You may feel like all you can do is express your anger by hitting, yelling, or throwing something. My last blog talked about ideas for how to deal with your anger—to keep it under control from being a harmful and negative force in your life. But here’s the good news—you can do something else with your anger. You can use it for good—when you approach the situation from the perspective of a problem solver.

Anger comes from a very real place of feeling out of control about a situation or even a relationship. Clarissa wrote: “We get angry when something is wrong, and sometimes we can actually let the aggression motivate us to try to change what's wrong, rather than just blow up at people. I think there are a lot of ways I could be making the anger a motivational tool for change, and let love take care of the rest. I also know in my heart that I have a God who can help me deal with this.”

You are always going to encounter difficult and challenging circumstances and people. Learning how to productively work through problems is going to help you for the rest of your life. Instead of just letting the feelings of anger take over, stop and figure out what is making you so angry. Make a plan for how you can fix the situation and approach it with good intentions. Anger can motivate you to try to get something changed, whether it’s a broken relationship, or even a social injustice.

Anger About A Relationship
Is it that someone ignored you, or made you feel stupid, or did they physically hurt you? Decide if you really care what that person thinks about you. If you don’t care, then just move on. But if you do, you can be the bigger person and seek to make peace with him/her.

You can do something else with your anger—you can use it for good.

Find a safe situation where you can express your anger and frustration in a way that isn’t accusatory, but instead, allows for dialogue with the other person. Sometimes just telling someone how you feel helps tremendously to lessen the anger you’re experiencing. But remember, the goal is to solve the problem, and not just to get something off your chest. Find out what the other person’s perspective is on the situation. A lot of anger stems from common misunderstandings.

Sometimes explaining yourself when you’ve been wronged, in a manner that is (as much as possible) free from emotion, can help you decide whether a relationship is worth salvaging, or if you actually need to leave it behind.

Dealing With Injustice

Many people get angry when they see other people treated wrongly. Expressing your anger with focus and passion can be very inspirational to other people, and will help you stay motivated as you work for your cause.

Sarah wrote: “I got so angry at how some other kids were being treated at my school. I went to the administration, and they made some new rules that helped to protect them.”

Many people, like Sarah, see injustice going on in the world around them. Maybe it’s at your school, or in your home, but it might also be some horrible tragedy you find out about going on around the world. For example, you might want to help by raising awareness about the sex trafficking problem going on in the U.S. and other countries. Maybe poverty and starvation really gets you upset. Focusing your passion and energy toward these horrible situations can be very productive.

Learning how to productively work through problems is going to help you for the rest of your life.

Joseph wrote: “If you are able to turn your anger into passion, you can use it for good.”

It’s not wrong to feel angry or out of control. Taking all that powerful energy and working to find solutions, help, and healing with things you see as being wrong can be very beneficial to your own peace of mind, and the betterment of the world around you. Be the brave and courageous one who decides to stand up and make a positive difference. Let anger work for you, and it will soon affect others in a very positive way.

Next week: Let’s talk about why guys cheat on their girlfriends. Guys, I want to hear from you, as well as the ladies. Your insight, even if anonymous, will be very helpful to me. Please leave me a comment below. Thanks!

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161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

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159. How to Manage Your Anger

159. How to Manage Your Anger

Dawson — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 15:34:00 GMT

I have been talking about anger for the last couple of weeks and have received a huge response to it. That’s because all of us at one time or another come up against anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion—-it can take over your life if you let it—you don’t have to let it control you. Most people who feel angry don’t have any idea how to deal with it.

McKaela commented: “When I finally snap, I just scream and throw things around. It may sound childish but it's my only way to vent without hurting the ones I love.”

Sara wrote: “When I get angry I tend to lash out and drink at home.”

Drizz wrote: “I get angry at almost everything, to the point where I want to hurt someone badly (mainly the person that brought my anger out). In fact, anger is the only real emotion that I feel.”

Identify what makes you angry – and be aware of it before it takes over.

Drizz, McKaela and Sara have each come to the point where anger has become the controlling force in their lives. In the midst of rage, it’s hard to believe you have any choice in the matter.

This is how Monica feels. She said: “I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out—usually on a family member. I yell and hit. I try not to, I honestly do, but rage just beats the fact that I love them. So I lash out.”

Lashing out might seem like the only option. The truth is—you do have the option to not let anger take over. So what is a better way to deal with your anger? How can you stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out?

#1 - Identify what makes you angry – and be aware of it, before it takes over.

Kyle wrote: “I know how easily I get angry and so I can usually tell when things are going to get too bad, so I usually just get out of the situation beforehand.”

Kyle’s on to something here. Here is aware of his own emotions and can turn away before his anger hurts him and those around him.

#2 – Talk it out.

Call up a friend and see how they’re doing. Don’t neglect your own feelings. Make sure you communicate to your best friends your encounter with anger. Talking things out with a friend who cares will really help.

Realize how unproductive it is to stay entirely focused on yourself.

Anna wrote: “When I'm angry it helps when I have a conversation with others and they tell me about their problems and issues, so it calms me down and lets me realize everyone makes mistakes and they too deal with anger everyday.”

#3 - Do something productive.

Don’t just sit around and think about how angry you feel. That usually makes matters worse. Change your environment. Come up with something productive you can do when you feel angry.

I received some awesome ideas of what you do to help control your anger. This list is amazing.

Haley wrote: “When I get mad I clean, sing, or write.”

Logan wrote: “The best thing in my opinion is working out—it’s a good way to channel your anger into something productive.”

Kaley wrote: “I go running, with really loud music.”

Linda wrote: “Riding my horse and caring for my horses keeps me centered and balanced. I am a much better person because of them.”

Sarah wrote: “I take a walk in the woods with my dogs and take pics with my cam—helps me every time.”

Brenda wrote: “I read, listen to music, and journal my feelings out, I trust God's help to get me thru things and handle my emotions better.”

Emily wrote: “I breathe and count to five and use my words instead of my fists. Superior intelligence beats superior strength any day.”

Kaitie wrote: “I write music with lyrics on how I'm feeling at that moment. I also talk to friends or meditate.”

Hanani wrote: “First, I pray about it. Second, I dance. Being a dancer, that's one of the ways I best express myself. Third, I don't dwell on the issue. I do things to help myself calm down so that when I have to think about the issue, I don't blow up anymore.”

Cory wrote: “I love to dance when I’m mad, or listen to music, and most the time when I am mad, I love to write about it, in poems or in a journal.”

These are awesome suggestions.

In my next blog, I’d like to write about how to use your anger for good. Not all anger is bad, especially if you can turn it into something positive. How have you used your anger for the good? Please comment below and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

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160. Using Your Anger for Good

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158. Why Do We Get Angry?

158. Why Do We Get Angry?

Dawson — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 13:50:00 GMT

Do you know someone who struggles with anger? You probably don’t have to look any further than your own mirror. In last week’s blog I wrote about what anger is. If you haven’t read it, you may want to check it out.

So I’m wondering this week, why do we get angry? We get angry based on our reaction to a variety of things—people, circumstances, memories, or personal problems, just to name a few. It can also be a response to a single event, or a reaction to numerous events. What makes you angry? Here are some of your answers…

Shawnee wrote: “What makes me angry? Being ignored.”

Ali wrote: “Fake people and liars.”

Jake wrote: “Trying hard at something and failing.”

Ashley wrote: “I hate it when people criticize me and have no idea what I go through.”

Michael wrote: “Being nice to people, only to have them be mean to me.”

Jane wrote: “Not being able to control my emotions.”

When you feel anger, it’s easy to think you want to lash out to make up for whatever, or whoever, has hurt you. Unfortunately, we all know that anger can get out of control and become destructive, causing a ton of problems. Many learn angry behavior over many years.

When something doesn’t go the way we think it should, we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.

Ana wrote: “I've become an angry person, because I learned it from my mom, who is always getting mad at everything and yelling. However all the anger I get I take it on myself and I start cutting myself. I don't like to show others I'm angry for something they did, because I always think it’s my fault.” Ana, acting out in her anger, is not helping her one bit. Instead of dealing with anger in a positive way, she turns it inward, making matters all the worse. Her anger may be legitimate, but her reaction to it is not.

So why do we get angry?

#1 • We get angry when our expectations are not met. When something doesn’t go the way we think it should, we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.

Chells wrote: “Usually I don't get angry much…however being accused of things will set me off big time.”

#2 • We also get angry when we feel we’re being threatened. And it may or may not be a real situation. We’ve all seen a person get angry about something that isn’t a real threat at all. For example: the guy at a bar who gets in a fight with another guy because, “He looked at me funny,” when the other guy didn’t even know he was there. People carry a lot of emotional baggage into certain situations, making them feel more threatened than they need to feel.

#3 • Additionally, some angry people carry their resentments and rage around with them at all times, creating an environment that makes other people be more aggressive toward them, just enhancing the whole anger cycle. These are the kinds of people who have a very short fuse, and any number of things will set them off.

You don’t have to let anger control you.

Here are some other reasons why some people get angry. Maybe you’ve experienced some of these:

Grief - losing a loved one.
Rudeness
Tiredness
Hunger
Pain
Withdrawal from drugs or some medications
Some physical conditions, such as PMS
Physical illness
Mental illness
Alcohol, some drugs, alcohol abuse, drug abuse
Injustice
Being teased or bullied
Humiliation
Embarrassment
Deadlines
Traffic jams
Disappointment
Sloppy service
Failure
Infidelity
Burglary
Financial problems
Being told you have a serious illness

The fact is, just about anything can trigger an angry reaction. Monica said, “I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out.”

Remember, even though anger will most likely be a part of the rest of your life, you don’t have to let it control you.

MY NEXT BLOG: How Can I Deal With My Anger? I want to talk about some ways you have successfully manage your anger. What helps you to stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out in anger. Please comment below - I look forward to hearing your secrets.

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159. How to Manage Your Anger

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157. What is Anger?

157. What is Anger?

Dawson — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:39:00 GMT

There’s no escaping the reality of anger. It affects everybody at one time or another. Over the many years I’ve been in talk radio, I’ve become convinced at least half of those who have called me are in some way angry, or have suffered as a result of someone else’s rage. There are literally millions of people whose lives have all but been destroyed because of the monster within, anger.

And yet, there are so many people who don’t recognize how angry they really are, or even how they are expressing it. Much less, how it is affecting every aspect of their lives, including all their relationships.

It’s a deep feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something we think has hurt us.

So what is anger?
Anger is an emotion that can be very powerful and all consuming. It’s a deep feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something we think has hurt us. Anger usually has with it a desire to get even, or hurt back.

Anger can be so powerful that it can even affect us physically. For example, anger increases heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline. Its affect on the body’s nervous system can lead to a weakened heart and stiffer arteries. There’s also potential for liver and kidney damage, as well as high cholesterol. Anger may bring along other issues like depressions or anxiety. Some scientists think that chronic anger may be more dangerous than smoking and obesity as a factor that will contribute to an early death.

Ultimately, anger is a reaction to feeling hurt, weak, vulnerable, or belittled in some way by someone or something. We use anger to help us feel strong and in control, and to help mask our feelings of hurt and weakness. When you see an angry person, you see a hurt person using anger to try and make up for all the pain.

Jenny wrote: “One of the things that makes me angry a lot is not knowing a single thing about my birth father. And how much not having him in my life affected my life growing up and how I am with guys since I have never had a father figure to show me how it is to be loved by a man the right way.”

When you see an angry person, you see a hurt person using anger to try and make up for all the pain.

Jenny is obviously hurt. She feels abandoned by her birth father who she has never met. Not only that, but she has never had a father figure in her life. Jenny’s anger helps her make up the difference between her desire to feel loved and accepted, and her feeling so weak and neglected.

I would like to know what makes you angry the most. And what you do when you get angry. Please tell me by commenting below. You making the list will help you understand more of the deeper reasons you may be angry. When it comes to anger there’s so much to talk about. So let’s talk more about it in my next blog.

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158. Why Do We Get Angry?

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156. How To Start the New School Year Right

156. How To Start the New School Year Right

Dawson — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:28:00 GMT

The new school year always brings with it plenty of new challenges. Especially if you’re starting off at a new school, some of these challenges can be pretty huge and scary.

Shawn wrote the feelings of millions of students: “I don’t really like school to begin with, but the beginning of the year is always the toughest. You don’t know a lot of people, and all the new classes seem really hard at first. It gets better though.”

In a poll we ran on thehopeline.com, we asked what you most want to avoid doing at school this year. More than half of you answered: Slacking Off. Obviously, you recognize it as a potential problem. So what are some ways you can avoid slacking off, and to help make this the best school year ever?

People who skip a lot of classes, end up skipping life.

Make a commitment to reach out to others

It can be extremely stressful worrying if you’ll have any friends, or if you’ll be alone and not able to blend in. This is especially true of students who are enrolling in a new school. Believe it or not, 1 out of every 4 people is new at your school this year. That means there are plenty of people who are facing the same kind of fear and stress that you are.

Stephen said: “One of the hardest things for me is to be alone at school. It can feel like everyone is talking about me, or worse, ignoring me.”

Find these people—they are usually sitting by themselves in the lunchroom, in the library, etc. They are probably just hoping and waiting for someone to talk to them. Reach out to them, find out who they are, and what they like to do, etc. Don’t be afraid of being too aggressive. You will discover your new friends sooner than you think. Taking time to reach out to them will go a long way in making the school year great for that person, as well as yourself.

Get to know your teachers

Let them know what your fears and expectations are for the class. Don’t be another one of those students that just tries to get by. The more involved you get in a class, the easier it will be to stand up to its challenges.

And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Most teachers want you to succeed in their class. Shana wrote: “At first I didn’t want to ask for help. But when I realized the teachers appreciate when we make an extra effort, it makes class so much better.”

The whole point of learning is to develop knowledge about things you don’t know. On top of that, everybody processes information differently. So if you feel like you’re not catching something, or missing some details, it really is quite normal. Your teachers, or even tutors, are there to help you. Don’t wait until too late to get help.

Go to class everyday

People who skip a lot of classes, end up skipping life. When you miss a day, or even a class, it’s easy to fall behind. Nobody likes to feel like they’re behind, or in the dark. The best way to stay with the flow of the class is to be there! If you have to miss a class, make sure you meet with your teachers to find out exactly what you missed and what you can do to catch up.

April said: “I used to think I was cool for skipping class. Then I realized I was just hurting myself. The temporary fun I had only made me feel worse when I was in class.”

By far, the best place to sit in a class is up front. It will be easier to focus there with fewer distractions. It also will show your teacher you are trying, which can lead to him or her taking the time to give you extra help when you need it.

Another thing that helps is to take notes during class – even if your teacher doesn’t require it. This exercise will increase your concentration, and will greatly improve the amount of information you retain. You don’t have to write down everything, but keep track of the main points. Write down questions you have, and then the answers to the questions when you get them.

Do your homework

Homework isn’t meant to be a punishment, it’s meant to help you learn the concepts presented in class. Make sure you find out exactly what the teacher is expecting of you, and work to do the best you can.

Mike said: “I thought only super smart people could be organized. But it’s really simple to just keep track of everything I need to do, in one place. It helps a ton.”

Don’t wait until the last minute to finish your work or study for your exam.

Make time to study every day. This is a great discipline you’ll be grateful for. Set aside a particular time everyday to work on your homework. Without a set schedule, it’s easy to get distracted and pulled away from what has to be done. Don’t wait until the last minute to finish your work or study for your exam. You’ll be stressed out and won’t get as much out of what you’re working on.

Explore and try new things

Use your time in school to explore various interests you might have. Maybe you’ve been trapped in the path of just doing sports, but you’d like to try something in the music department. This is your chance! View this as a great time to test out different activities you’ve always wondered about.

Involve your parents

Keep your parents informed of what happens at school, what your classes are like, what challenges you are facing, etc. Students who have involved parents usually do better than those whose do not. If your parents won’t get involved with you, find an adult who will.

Remember, it’s up to you to decide what kind of school year you’re going to have. This much we do know, having a great education greatly increases your chances of being successful in life. Make the most of it while you can.

My next blog topic: How To Deal With Anger. Do you have anger problems? What makes you angry? How do you deal with it? What help have you found to manage your own personal anger? Please let me know. Your comments will greatly help me as I write. Thank you!

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157. What is Anger?

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155. How to Deal With the Death of a Loved One

155. How To Deal With the Death of a Loved One

Dawson — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 13:36:00 GMT

Have you ever had someone with who was very close to you die? Maybe it was a brother or sister, a parent, a grandparent, or even a close friend. The death of a loved one is very difficult, even though everyone, at some time, will have to go through this painful experience. And the grief usually hits you in a way you least expect it—flooding you with overwhelming feelings you never realized you had. How did losing someone so very special in your life affect you?

Richard wrote: “I lost my first love (Kelly) at age 15. We did everything together. Kelly died on the same road I lived on at the time. That has been 7 or 8 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel lonely and hurt without her. Life isn't the same. As I lay down to sleep at night and close my eyes, I still see her beautiful smile. At times I feel like I can't go on with life. All I think about is being with Kelly.”

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel.

Richard can’t imagine life without Kelly, even though the reality is that she has been gone for quite sometime. It’s obvious Richard is deep in denial. Denial is one of the ways people attempt to deal with the death of someone they love.

This is also what “Rooster” said she did to deal with the death of her uncle. “My uncle passed away on Halloween 2009 and to this day I haven’t accepted the fact that he's gone…he meant the world to me. He was like a father to me, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.”

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel. That’s natural and it may take time to get past those feelings. But be careful, because before you know it, you’ll find yourself defining yourself by your misery. The better choice will be to focus on taking care of yourself, and dealing with your grief in a more healthy and productive way.

What are some healthy ways to deal with your sadness and grief over the death of someone close to you?

1. Find somebody who you trust, and talk with them about how the death is making you feel. Don’t try to carry it all by yourself. Elizabeth wrote: “I've mostly talked it out, etc. It's been nine years since my dad’s passing. It'll never go all the way away.” If you keep your feelings locked up inside you’ll only increase the stress you are under.

2. Look for other people who have experienced similar losses and hear their story. Learn from them about how they have dealt with death and loss. You can learn a lot from others who have had similar experiences; they have already been there and can prepare you for what’s ahead.

3. Try to remember good memories about the person who died. This will help you understand that the one who died did not die in vain—their life had a huge impact on yours. You may also want to think about all the things and people you are grateful for whom you still have. Turning your attention away from the pain, and moving toward other positive thoughts are an important life skill for you to have.

4. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions. It’s normal to cry. It’s actually a really good physical and emotional response to help you cope with your loss. If you haven’t cried, or don’t feel like you can, try expressing your emotions other ways, like through writing, painting, music, or even exercising. There are many healthy ways you can help get your grief out.

Teresa wrote: “We removed life support on our 5yr old daughter and my husband and I felt we made the most loving decision of our lives. Even though it has been 18 years I have good days and bad days, and crying mostly helps.”

5. Find ways to help other people. One of the best ways to get your mind off your grief is by giving away your time to other people. You can find ways to help people with anything they need. Sometimes just giving someone a listening ear is very valuable.

One of the best ways to get your mind off of yourself and your grief is by giving away your time to other people.

The pain you are feeling right now is capable of doing two things: You can let it turn you into a depressed, self-centered person, or you can become a compassionate person, capable of being sympathetic to others going through their own difficult times. I hope you would choose the compassionate route.

Realize, in time, you will feel better. A while back I was introduced to a woman whose son died two months earlier. I began to tell her how terrible I felt about her situation. She looked at me and said, “It is hard, but it is getting better.” I never forgot what she said. On the one hand, she agreed her experience was very difficult. Yet on the other, she was acknowledging that some healing was taking place.

Healing takes time and it cannot be rushed. Yet we can comfort ourselves by knowing, in time, it will get better. And if you let it, it will make you into a deeper, more loving person.

NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC: How To Start the New School Year Right. Let me know what works for you, to help you start the new school year in a productive and meaningful way.

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156. How To Start The New School Year Right

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154. The Worst Party Ever

154. The Worst Party Ever

Dawson — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:00:00 GMT

You thought it’d be fun to go out with your best friend, and hit up a party you heard about. There was supposed to be a lot of really cool people—and you love meeting new people. So you put on your best going-out clothes, and headed out. You get there and everyone seems to be having fun. But after a while, you start to get the feeling that something isn’t quite right. For one thing, you notice people are bringing more and more alcohol to the party. You also notice people are starting to get really drunk or high. You even see people slipping away in couples, or even threesomes, heading to a back bedroom. You know nothing really good happens in the back bedroom. A thought flashes through your mind: drugs, alcohol, and a lot of people=trouble.

What should you do?

Have you ever found yourself at a party you know you shouldn’t be at? What did you do to protect yourself? Or how did you get out of the situation? Was it as easy as just deciding to leave?

Always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.

We took a poll at thehopeline.com and a third of you responded that you “just said no” – another third said you just “left” the party – and then 24% said your friends were what helped you get through the night.

Jenni wrote: “I just don’t go to the parties where I know there will be drugs. And when there are, I get one of my friends to leave with me, and we do something else.”

Trisha agreed with Jenni: “I completely avoid the situation. But if I was there, I know better than to do that stuff. Usually end up leaving.”

Sounds like Jenni and Trisha have a good plan. But it isn’t always that easy for everyone. Some people actually find themselves trapped at an out of control party.

Paul wrote: “I was at party once that was going great. Everyone was having a great time. Sure, there was some drinking, but I didn’t realize the neighbors had called the cops. Everybody ran, and people got trampled over trying to get away. I broke my arm falling over the couch. And my dad had to come get me from the police station. It was a nightmare.”

So many bad things can happen at parties – whether its related to drugs or alcohol, sex, or even just people getting into fights, or disturbing the peace.

What are some signs of a party you need to leave?

If there are a lot of people showing up you don’t know – especially if they are toting six-packs when they come
Rival gang members are there
No adults can be found – this means nothing but trouble
Couples are sneaking off upstairs or downstairs
The party is not well lit
You can’t help but notice weird smells
It’s so loud you know the neighbors are going to call the cops.
If you can imagine people being surprised if they were to hear you were at this party. Remember, if someone sees you at the wrong party, it’s all over town

What are some ways to protect yourself from getting trapped at a destructive party?

Your safety and well-being are more important than your reputation.

Check out who’s going to the party – a little research beforehand may save you a lot of grief later. Follow your instincts. If there’s a concern, just don’t go. Why take a chance?
Devise a plan. Always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.
Don’t go to a party alone – it’s usually best to go with two or three others – just in case one person might want to stay.
Talk with a friend or your parents, and ask if you could call and have them come pick you up if you need to get away.
Take your cell phone with you – to call someone, even 911.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to call your parents or a trusted adult – someone who cares about your safety.
Don’t be afraid to leave the party immediately – walking or running, if need be.
Be aware of your location, which streets are nearby, and what’s a landmark you could head to if you needed to get away.
Don’t worry about what other people think about you if they see you leaving. Some people’s lives have been all but ruined at a bad party.

Remember, your safety and well-being are more important than your reputation. Don’t give in to a bad situation just because you think it might make you more popular – or get people to like you. Learning what your boundaries are—what you will and won’t do—before you get to a party, will be a tremendous help to you in any situation.

Put another way, have fun, but don’t be dumb.

NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC: “How to deal with the death of a loved one.” Have you ever had someone die who you were extremely close with? How did it affect you? What did you do to deal with the pain and grief? I need your help – please comment below and tell me what you do to…

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155. How To Deal With the Death of a Loved One

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153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

Dawson — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Interestingly enough, my last blog was about being fearless and bold in the pursuit of your dreams. But for some guys, their dream is to date the most amazing girl they know…to the point they don’t know when to stop pursuing this dream.

Many girls have a story of a guy who wouldn’t give up in his pursuit of her. In life, persistence often pays off. But when it comes to a guy pursuing a girl, it can be just plain confusing.

Danny wrote: “There’s this girl who I really like. But I have no idea whether she likes me or not. Sometimes she acts like she does, but other times she doesn’t. I’m just confused.”

Most annoying guys are ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her.

So how can a guy know when he’s supposed to stop pursuing a girl? Here are some pretty obvious signs it’s time to move on…

When she obviously avoids you
If you show an interest in her, but she seems to ignore you
When she acts one way around you, and another way around her friends
When she stops responding to your calls/texts/emails
When she asks you to stop
Or tells you you’re coming on too strong
When your friends tell you to move on

Roy wrote: “Everyone I knew early on told us it would never work out, but I stayed with her to prove them wrong. In the end it left me more broken and confused. Had I listened early on I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble and pain.”

When she talks to you about another guy she’s interested in
If she seems bothered, irritated or angry at you
When your self-esteem starts to suffer for it
When you start to think you are going crazy about the whole situation
If you’re wondering if you should stop pursuing her, it’s probably time.

Skye wrote: “People need to use the common sense the good Lord gave them. When something in your head tells you not to do something, don't do it. You'll thank yourself later.”

Most annoying guys are ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her. These guys are usually so strongly attracted to something about this girl, that he thinks he’s in love before he even knows her.

This comes down to an issue of having healthy boundaries. Boundaries are emotional markers that clearly define where one person ends, and the other person begins—the health and happiness of one person is not determined by the other. With healthy boundaries you are free to be yourself, and not feel like your happiness is dependent on what another person thinks about you. This makes you confident and allows you to be comfortable around other people and develop healthy relationships.

So what’s a guy to do if he likes a girl?

Relationships take time to develop. You can’t force your way into someone else’s life. Just seek to be friends with someone. Give yourself time to get to know her. But even more importantly, give her time to get to know you. You deserve someone who is interested in you, as well.

Don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are.

Most girls love to be pursued by a guy, or viewed as someone special. Most of the time they appreciate a guy’s persistence and confidence. But more than anything, a girl wants to be respected and valued. The more respect you can show as you pursue her, the better.

If you stop pursuing her, and give the chase a rest, you might find out the answer you’re looking for. If she’s interested in you, she may try to find out where you’ve been. She might actually become more interested in you, because you’re not trying so hard. But you might also find that she doesn’t care that you’ve stopped pursuing her. That’s a good sign that you were pursuing the wrong girl. It’s probably time to take a break, and hope that you can get to know each other as friends over time.

Be yourself, and be relaxed in your pursuit of your dream girl. Don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are. Keep in mind there are plenty of girls in the world—some of whom will find you attractive and well worth their time.

Next week, I’m going to write about the worst party you’ve ever been to, and what you did about it? How did you protect yourself from all the crazy things going on there. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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154. The Worst Party Ever

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152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

If actually “following your dreams” was simple, everybody would be doing it. But as we all know, it isn’t easy—therefore most people aren’t doing much more than what they think they have to, just to get by. Maybe at one time they tried to take some steps toward their dream, but things didn’t go the way they planned, so they just gave up. But, if you’re committed to pursuing your dreams, it’s important to know, and resist, the most common dream-killers.

The most common dream killers…

It’s up to you whether or not you give up or not.

Laziness – It’s just too much work.

Not having clearly defined goals – I don’t know where to start or how to finish.

Thinking “I can’t” – I’m not good enough. There are so many others better than me.

Listening to other people’s negative talk – Maybe what they say about me and my dream is true.

John wrote: “My dream is to join the SWAT team. Except all the people at school keep telling me I can't do it. It's frustrating when everyone around you tries to stop you from doing what you want to do.”

It’s become too difficult – I can’t stand the failures and rejection along the road to success.

Money – If only I had more money, my dreams would come true.

Andrea wrote: “What was a major roadblock to achieving my dreams? Definitely money. I would love to be a social worker or licensed counselor but by the time I had my bachelors degree I owed over $30,000 in school loans and couldn’t afford to continue. It kinda feels like I will never make it to see these loans paid off and be successful.”

Nobody ever achieved his or her dreams just by wishing. You have to work at it.

Wrong motives – I just want to be loved, rich, and famous.

It’s not your dream – Those around me will finally be happy when I ________.

Unrealistic goals – I’ll never “reach the Sun,” so why even attempt the journey! (Who knows, maybe you’ll reach the moon!)

Deadlines – If my dream doesn’t come true soon, I’m going to quit.

Quitting – I’m done. No dream is dead until you quit.

There are always going to be many opportunities for you to give up. But it’s up to you whether or not you do. Just remember, as long as you are heading in the right direction, you are being successful. It’s going to take a lot of work and persistence. Nobody ever achieved his or her dreams just by wishing. You have to work at it.

Have you heard people say the joy is in the journey? That is absolutely correct. If you’re miserable along the way, only thinking you’ll be happy once you reach your goal, you’re probably going to be miserable once you get there, as well.

And now, the very best tip I can give you to help make your dreams come true:

Find a way to use your dream to help other people. If the dream is only for you, it will be easy to lose motivation and give up. If you can catch a vision for how you will be able to help and encourage other people, you will find it easier to stay on track. If you bring purpose and meaning into every situation, it won’t matter what your occupation is. Wherever you are, and whatever you do can be an opportunity to help bring life to every stranger you meet. And that’s a dream all of us should pursue.

I look forward to hearing your success stories in the coming weeks, months and years. Be fearless and don’t give up! FOLLOW THE DREAM!

Next week, I’m going to write about “When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?” Please tell me what you think. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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I recently heard a song written by Mark Smeby that is an encouragement to anyone pursuing their dream. I thought you might want to download it (for free!). It’s called “Pilgrim Man” and I believe it will encourage you.

Click to download…

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153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

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151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

Dawson — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

There’s an old Nike slogan that said, “Life is short, play hard.” They should’ve written, “Life can be small, dream big!” Life is too short to not really live it to its full potential. That’s why you’ll often hear me say to callers on my radio show, “follow the dream.” Life with a dream can be filled with adventure, meaning, and purpose.

Why Figure Out What Your Dream Is?

James wrote: “I’d love to go after my dreams. I just don’t know what they are.” Most people who don’t figure out what they want to do, end up doing what other people tell them to do, or they just settle for what’s safe and comfortable.

You can decide to live differently!

Think about what it is that moves you because it seems to be a right fit for you and you can’t stop thinking about it? If you could push a magic button and have your greatest dreams fulfilled, what would they be?

Following your dream gives your life focus, and the dream can be anything you want it to be. In fact, it could be being a waitress, running a cash register at Wal-Mart, or maybe even being the President of the United States. Whatever it is, if it is meaningful to you, and not harmful to yourself or others, go ahead and pursue it!

How Do You Start?

Ask anybody what is it that they’d really like to do, and most people will have an answer. But, unfortunately, in many cases, it’s something other than what they’re doing. So how can you get started pursuing your dreams? Here’s a simple plan…

Catch a clear vision for where you want to go.

1) Catch a clear vision for where you want to go.

2) Figure out the steps it’s going to take to get there.

3) Set large and small goals along the way to help you track your progress and keep you motivated.

Here’s what Julie says to herself to stay motivated: “I say to myself things like ‘I can’ and ‘I will,’ instead of ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t.’”

Here are some more suggestions to help you on your journey…

Do something little each day. Don’t wait for big blocks of time when you can really dig into something serious. The more frequently you work at your goals, the more energized and encouraged you’ll be.

Paul wrote: “Sometimes I really hate practicing my guitar. I want to be a good guitar player—a really good one. I wish I was just automatically good. The best I can do now is to do what I can and keep working at it. I’m better now than I ever was. The only way that would change would be if I stopped practicing altogether.”

Put deadlines on specific tasks to help you stay motivated to accomplish them. But be prepared to be flexible. Deadlines are important to prevent procrastination, but as you move closer toward your goals, you might have to adjust some of them.

Keep track of your progress in a journal. You will encourage yourself as you look back at the different goals you’ve already accomplished along the way.

Find people who are doing what you want to do and ask them what it took for them to get there. Ask some of these people to help you on your own personal journey.

Don’t look for a simple, quick path. This is a journey you’re deciding to undertake. You’re going to need a lot of help, and a lot of patience. Passion, faith, and persistence are going to be key to seeing your dreams fulfilled!

Be prepared for setbacks. Anyone who has ever gone after their dream has experienced the pain and disappointment of rejection and failure along the way. These setbacks don’t have to stop you from continuing toward your goal. Be prepared to find a different route, if the one you were counting on turns into a dead-end.

Bri wrote: “Whenever I hit a road bump I can choose to be depressed and just give up, or I can take it for what it is, learn from it, and move forward. Knowing that everyone fails sometimes actually helps.” In fact, you haven’t failed until you actually quit trying. So don’t let setbacks destroy your dream, but rather let them motivate you to try even harder.

Your dream isn’t going to happen just because you want it to.

Just remember, your dream isn’t going to happen just because you want it to. I always say, “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” That’s why you need to make going after your dream a priority for your life. Trust me, if you don’t maintain focus on your dream, you’ll be distracted and get busy doing all kinds of other things.

Next week, I’m going to write part two of “How To Follow Your Dreams” including, the things I believe keep people from reaching their dreams, and the very best tip I can give you to make your dreams a reality. Please send me a comment and let me know what has helped you on the journey toward your dreams. How have you overcome the challenges and pressed on? I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

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150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

In my last blog, I wrote about how the main reason we get mad at God is because we think He owes us something—usually to give us the things we want, and to protect us from the things we don’t want.

Getting over your anger toward God is really about straightening out what you can expect from Him. If we think God is going to be our genie in a bottle, and make everything good in our lives, we’re going to be mad at Him when something bad happens. Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

Someone wrote: “I was mad at God when my mom died, but I learned that we have to trust in him no matter what. What happens to us or others doesn't change the goodness of God.”

Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

So…what can we expect from God?

His love – He promises His love for us. He loves your heart and is with you in the midst of whatever your circumstances. You can expect His companionship and His comfort.

Life with greater meaning and significance: If we got everything we thought we wanted, we’d be spoiled and selfish. God is a wise father who knows what we need to become the men and women He desires us to be.

What can we do about our anger toward God?

1) Tell him how you feel.

The best thing you can do is tell God what you’re angry about. He wants to hear from you about what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell God honestly where you are at. God knows what’s going on inside of you, but He wants to you be able to come to Him with honesty and openness.

Pray for courage, strength and peace to make it through the day. Betsy wrote: “I find it easiest to leave everything in God's hands and pray that he will care for me and do what’s BEST for me, not what I want, but what is best. It's very hard, and I have trouble with that at times, but that is my overall goal.”

3) Trust that God has a bigger reason beyond what you can see.

So does God have a reason for everything we go through? I believe He does. Ask God for understanding—to see the bigger picture. Over time, you may see more clearly a purpose behind your trials.

God knows what’s going on inside of you.

Jill wrote honestly: “I feel like I have a daily tug of war with God. I know everything happens for a reason, but when you’re lonely, broke, bored, and feel helpless, it is really hard to say, okay God, I know you’re doing this for a reason.”

Betsy echoed Jill’s thoughts: “After many trials I learned that it is best to accept what God has done and believe that it is for my good, whether I like it or not.”

Believing He does have a reason for everything we go through helps us to trust that something bigger is going on here, even more than we can probably understand. But I’m not God, He is. And I’m just going to trust that He knows what’s going on with me.

4) Get involved in other people’s lives.

A lot of our anger and frustration in life comes from thinking about ourselves too much - we think about the way things are and how different they are from how we wish they’d be.

Yevgenia wrote: “One of the best things I have learned while going through this is God won't put you through something unless he knows you will be able to overcome it. Another way I have used these things in a positive way is by using my experiences to help others who are going through similar things in their lives.”

The best way to find joy and peace from the hardships of life is to get involved in other people’s lives. Take an interest in other people and their circumstances. Share in their joy and their pain.

The only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus.

5) Decide to have a relationship with God.

The Bible says the only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus. Jesus was basically God with skin-on and gave us a way to know who He is, His love, and how be in relationship with Him.

Lucas wrote: “Sometimes only God will know why He has allowed a trial and sometimes He will reveal its purpose to us. Sometimes it's because He is preparing us for a greater thing. Sometimes it is to show to us how little we truly love Him, and to allow us to change. Trials give us an opportunity to build our faith in a way nothing else can.”

Next week, I’m going to write about "How to follow the dream". Please send me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you.

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151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

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149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

Dawson — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 14:27:00 GMT

I’ve got to believe at some point in your life, you’ve raised your fist and shouted out in anger at God. Most of us have done it. Maybe your parent died, or you had a friend get seriously sick, or even killed. Maybe you have cancer, or some kind of handicap. These and other serious issues enter our lives, making it easy to target God for our pain.

Someone described anger this way: “Anger is a human emotional response to situations that are either out of our control or out of our ability to understand, or both.”

Have you ever wondered why we get so angry at God? That’s what I want to talk about, because I can assure you God doesn’t want us walking around with rage towards Him.

What are some of reasons why we get mad at God?

The main reason we get so upset with God is because we think He owes us something. This usually happens in two ways:

The main reason we get mad at God is because we think He owes us something.

1. We don’t get something we want. Have you ever really wanted a relationship with that perfect girl or guy? Or you really wanted that job you knew for certain would be perfect for you? When these things didn’t work out, you no doubt found yourself hurt and disappointed. Our first impulse is almost always to blame God.

Daphne wrote: “When we get mad at God it is really like a 2-year-old throwing a fit because Mommy or Daddy won't let them stick their finger in the light socket. The 2-year-old can only see what he/she wants—the parent sees the bigger picture, and the danger. When we are mad at God we show our immaturity, ignorance, and our shortsightedness.”

2. We get something we DON’T expect. When something bad happens to someone we love, or to us, or someone gets really sick, or even dies we wonder why these things have to happen. We think of God as a big genie in the sky who should only give us good things, and also prevent us from the bad.

I received a comment from someone who said: “Some people wonder why their lives end up being a certain way, and they blame God for it, because if God really cared for them, then He wouldn't let them suffer.”

We think, “If God is so loving, why am I in so much pain?” We think he’s punishing us for no reason—by allowing horrible things to happen to us, or people we love, or even the world.

Both of these situations can make a person feel like God doesn’t care about us. After all the prayers we’ve prayed, God still didn’t heal your brother’s cancer, or get you the job you wanted.

Joe wrote: “I have to admit that I am angry at God. The more I have prayed for help and guidance, the more I get nothing. He is ignoring me. It’s His right to do with me what He will, but I am frustrated because I have done what I think I am supposed to do and yet no response, no help.”

We get angry when we think God owes us something. When in fact, God owes us nothing.

A few other reasons…

• We get angry with God when we don’t know all the facts. It’s so easy to think we know everything, but we can only see a very small part of the picture.

• We get angry at God when we see others claim to know Him, and then act like hypocrites. It’s easy to blame God for the faults of others.

These are just a few reasons why people get angry with God. Of course, there are many more.

How have you dealt with your own personal anger toward God? I’d love to hear from you. Please let me know how you got over being upset with God. Thanks for your input – it will really help my writing.

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150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

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148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Self-hate is a dark, black hole in our soul that can be easy to fall into, but difficult to get out of. Last week I wrote about some of the reasons why people hate themselves. This week, I want to give you some things to do when you start to hear yourself say things like, “I hate myself,” “I’m no good,” “I’m so stupid,” or “I’m worthless.” The truth is—you are NONE of those things. But it’s easy to think you are, especially if you have been believing all these negative thoughts about yourself.

So what do you do to climb out of the dark hole in your soul?

1) Decide you want to change - Nobody can make you love you—other than you! It’s your responsibility to rearrange your thinking away from all the negative stuff you’ve been thinking, and think more positive thoughts about yourself. It’s often been said, “If I think better, I will act better. And if I act better, I will feel better.”

Cody wrote: “I’ve found that sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves. And the way we think can hurt worse than any words. And when left with nothing but your own thoughts, and if those thoughts are negative, self hate is born.” It takes a real effort to turn negative self-defeating thoughts into positive life-changing ones. But try it! And if you stick with it, you soon will see you’re feeling better about yourself.

If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today.

2) Figure out what you CAN change and do it! - If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today. Maybe you don’t like your weight…you can start eating properly, and getting exercise—TODAY! Get involved with a sport or a favorite hobby. You’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel to take care of yourself.

Don’t obsess over what you think are your flaws. Work on what you can change, and ask God to help you accept the rest. Create the healthy life you desire (and deserve!) – some people get trapped living miserable lives, not realizing they have the ability to change their situation. Don’t you get stuck in that trap!

3) Build up your self-esteem - Make a list of your 10 best qualities. Can’t think of 10? There are more than you think. But try starting with one. For example, “I am a loyal friend” or “I care about others,” or “I am in touch with how I feel,” or “I have a lot to offer my friends,” or “I am a good listener,” etc. Then add to the list. Find out what your friends and family value about you. You might be surprised to find out what the people who love you see in you! As you begin to dwell on the good things you offer, your confidence will grow. Others will take note of it because you will have made yourself more attractive.

Betsy wrote: “Since I stood up for something, people started to respect me and I was able to find confidence in myself. You can't please everyone, so focus on making yourself proud before you expect anyone else to be proud of you.”

Each day, find something to do that makes you feel proud of yourself. Find out the things you love, try new things, go new places. Make some short-term and long-term goals. Decide that you will never say the words: “I Hate Myself” ever again. Those words are toxic. Why hate yourself? When in reality there is a lot in you worth loving.

4) Use gratitude as a weapon against self-hatred – You will find people who dwell on the positive things in their life, things of which they are grateful, are usually much happier than those who don’t. Negative thoughts, mixed with worry, make a person miserable to live with. So if you are tired of hearing the same old, negative thoughts, make a daily list of the things you are grateful for, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your attitude begins to change.

Rayven wrote: “When I start to hate myself, I think about people that have it worse and can't change it. If I ever want to change something about myself, I think of someone with a disease or disorder they can't help—someone that obviously has it worse than me and then I'm grateful.”

5) Remember God loves you – The most powerful way to overcome self-hate is to focus on God’s love. After all, if God loves you, and He does with all of your faults and hurts, it should make it easier for us to accept ourselves. Let God change what He wants to change, and you’ll feel much better about your life. God made you very unique. And it’s this uniqueness that makes you special.

Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

Angie wrote: “Its very easy to find reasons to believe I am of no value to anyone, or to God. But I am of value because God loves me, even if no one else does.”

As you start believing in yourself more, you’ll have more good days than bad. It’s easy to find the negative, so look for the positive in each situation. And most importantly, keep your faith in God – this will help lead you to the happiness you seek. Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

For my next blog, I’m going to write about what to do when you’re mad at God. Have you ever been mad at God? What happened and how did you feel? Did you find a way to get over your anger toward God? Thanks for sharing your story with me—I look forward to hearing from you.

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149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

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147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

Dawson — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

It’s so tragic to hear someone say “I hate myself.” But down deep, many people do. It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. Some people, perhaps even you, are locked in their own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.

Have you ever heard someone say they hate themselves? It might seem like they are just crying out for attention. But many times, it’s a very honest evaluation of how miserable someone feels about himself or herself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic.

Caroline described her self-hatred like this: “For a while I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.”

So why do people hate themselves? We took a poll on my website, and asked what reasons you might have had to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by “I didn’t feel loved,” and then “I failed at a relationship.” Each of these could be their own blogs. But for now, let’s examine what I see to be some of the greatest causes of self-hate.

When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.

Life is exhausting - When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It’s easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love.

Betsy wrote: “I hated myself for a while and wished I could just disappear. I felt that I wasn't worth anything and wondered why anyone would want to waste their time on me.”

Sometimes self-hate is nothing more than emotional exhaustion. It’s important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you are rested.

Rejection or Abandonment - Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It’s normal. But it’s difficult. Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you. But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.

Tom wrote: “I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. I imagined all the worst things, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I’d go crazy.”

Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don’t let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden, like Tom did, will give you great joy. He’s right, it’s not worth going crazy over something you really can’t control.

Thinking bad thoughts about yourself – This is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won’t. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Or fat. Or inadequate. It’s like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.

Mona wrote: “I hate who I’ve become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I've come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.”

Why should I hate someone God loves so much?

The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God’s love for me. I ask myself, “Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face?” He’s the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason. There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn’t that incredible? That person…YOU…is worth loving.

Next week I’m going to give you a list of some practical things you can do when you start to hate yourself. What helps you? Send me a comment and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

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148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

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146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

Dawson — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

This week, Dawson is taking a break from writing a new blog as he prepares for his next topic: What To Do When You Hate Yourself. If you have a comment or piece of advice about this topic, please leave a comment below.

So I’ve been asked to write a guest blog this week. This is Ike, Dawson’s producer, and I’m going to give you a sneak peak into what goes on behind the scenes in a recording session with Dawson. Each week, usually on Wednesday and Thursday mornings, Dawson records different audio pieces: greetings for HopeLine volunteers, commercials, liners (Dawson voicing the radio station name), produced features (like 180 features), and some pre-recorded portions of the show. I don’t want to give away too much here, but there are certain portions of the show that are pre-recorded to allow Dawson to have a short break. These portions are few and far between, but nonetheless require Dawson to record them ahead of time. About 95% of the show is live with a 10-second delay in case of profanity, etc.

Some of the most enjoyable (and painful) parts of my job are the recording sessions and the bloopers. There is a different side to Dawson that comes out during recording sessions. While Dawson is very serious and dedicated to helping teens and young adults on the air, he is a very funny person off the air. He has a joke or whacky analogy for nearly everything. He actually wanted to be a comedian when he was younger. Sometimes the subject matter of the show can be pretty heavy, so off the air Dawson tries to be light to balance the emotional weight. There are certain calls that hit Dawson harder than others, but due to Dawson’s many years of doing this, he has found a way not to let the issues cripple him emotionally. I have attached a behind the scenes blooper from a recording session a while back with Dawson, Sound Guy Jeremy, and myself. In this clip, for no apparent reason, we all got tickled at the way Dawson tried to introduce the call by replacing the word “start” with “stop” and then chaos ensued. Take a listen!

Another thing Dawson likes to do is break out into song during recording sessions. Many times he’ll remember a song lyric from a million years ago (which he calls a Retro attack) and then ask if Sound Guy Jeremy can find the actual song. This usually derails the session for about 20 minutes since Dawson can’t continue until he hears the song. Check out some audio here of him breaking into song.

Hopefully these clips help you to see another side of him that so many of his staff have the privilege of seeing. There is no question about his sincerity in being there to help, but he’s also a human with real emotions and helping so many through their issues carries its own emotional consequences if he doesn’t process it in a healthy way.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and don’t forget to leave comments for next week’s topic when Dawson will be back with: What To Do When You Hate Yourself

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147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

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145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

Dawson — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Being a single mother isn’t easy. With all the demands on your time and attention, it’s normal to feel lost and lonely. It’s easy to feel like your life doesn’t matter any longer—because everything is all about your kids. While most parents would admit to feeling that way, not having another parent to share the load with can be downright excruciating.

So, how do you take care of yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed? Here are some tips to help you not only to survive, but also to thrive!

1. Put yourself at the top of your list. You have got to take care of yourself first, before you can fully expect to take care of anyone else. If your child was hurting, you’d show him/her love and attention—show yourself this same kind of attention. Make sure you’re eating well, getting rest, and making time for fun with friends. You’ll find you have more hope and strength to be able to tackle what’s in front of you.

Sharon wrote: “Many single moms put themselves LAST, and then find themselves burned out, stressed out, and frustrated—causing them to be discouraged in their role as a parent...feeling inadequate or out of control.”

It's through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.

2. Develop a support network. It’s really important for you to surround yourself with people who can help you with the difficult challenge of being a single parent. You need to know who the people are that you can count on. Make an actual list of these people, so you can remind yourself you’re not doing this all alone.

3. Refuse to be the “victim.” Instead of asking “why me?” ask yourself what you can learn from your situation. It’s through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.

4. Speak respectfully of your child’s other parent. You might have every right to trash talk the other parent of your children. It’s important that your children don’t become your outlet every time you want to vent about their father. Make sure you don’t stain the relationship your children have with their father, regardless of what you think about him.

5. Make time to do simple activities with your kids. It’s easy to get hammered down with all the things you have to do—driving here and there, working, etc. Spending good, quality time doing simple things with your kids will help them to feel like life is going to be ok, in spite of how difficult it might be for you.

Karli wrote: “When I'm feeling stressed or drained me and my daughter will go get our nails done. It's a bonding time for us and helps me unwind since someone else is ‘taking care of’ her!”

Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.

6. Handle your finances with wisdom. You might feel like you’re working as hard as you can just to pay the bills. But there are plenty of ways that you can learn how to save money, get cheap groceries, and even save for the future. Work to educate yourself on how to better handle your money. Ask people you respect for their advice on how to make your money work better for you. You can also ask one of my HopeCoaches to refer you to one of our partners that can help with financial advice.

7. Focus on the positive. This is a great time of growth for you. Don’t forget all the things that are going well in your life. As you demonstrate a positive attitude, in spite of your challenges, your kids will learn how to deal with challenges themselves.

Jean wrote that being a single mom is a long list of losses: “Stay at home status with kids, loss of home kids grew up in, loss of income, loss of unity, kids are split up, loss of a father especially to my most vulnerable child.” It sounds like Jean has a pretty challenging situation—all the more reason for her to work hard to convey a positive attitude to her children rather than a victim mentality.

8. Take it a day at a time. This is the only way you’re going to make it through. If you think about the years ahead and all the challenges you will face, it will certainly be overwhelming. Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.

Rhea added: “I get up earlier than [my son] does in the morning to be sure I have my time with God even if all I have the energy for is to sit and talk with Him. It is one day at a time and within that day it is one hour at a time. Don't worry about childcare six months down the road. Don't worry about whether you will be able to have enough gas to take them wherever they need to go. Just get through the day. That one day.”

It’s very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Hopefully focusing on these tips will help you prioritize your life making you a healthier person and a balanced, well-rounded mom.

For my next blog, I’m going to write on the topic of “What To Do When You Hate Yourself.” Please write a comment and tell me why you feel like you hate yourself and what you do to get through it. I look forward to hearing from you!

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146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

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144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

Dawson — Fri, 28 May 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Being a single mom is one of the most demanding and difficult responsibilities one could ever face. No one can fully understand the pressures and challenges that each single mom faces.

In my last blog I spoke of the challenges a single mom faces when it comes to dating—with all its emotionally charged potential and pitfalls. But even a greater challenge is the relationship a single mom has with the father of her children.

How involved should the birth father be?

When should the father of your kids be in their lives at all?

There are so many stories of the birth father who makes promises to come around, be involved, and support…but then never does…

Lari wrote: “It was really important for me to set boundaries with my ex. To have specific times when he could be with the kids, and if he didn’t show up, or was late, I made sure I spent extra time with the kids myself. It got frustrating, but it made me and the kids closer.”

Some single moms struggle with birth fathers who won’t pay child support. What should a single mom do? Sure, there are some legal actions you can take, but many times, there is nothing you can do to get your ex to do what he’s supposed to do, or be where he’s supposed to be. But you can play a part in not allowing your children’s view of their dad to become negative. Don’t complain to your kids about something your ex does wrong. But also, don’t let your ex have any kind of negative influence on your kids. You might think you have to keep him around so you can keep getting his child support. While his court ordered child support is required, you have to keep your kids safe and healthy at all costs. In some cases, it’s better the father never come around at all, rather than break hearts with broken promises.

Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart.

Sharon wrote that many times, children are left wondering how their dad could possibly not want to be a part of their live. “These are the issues the single mom has to help them cope with...why doesn't Daddy come see me? Why won't Daddy come to my school play? Why doesn't Daddy love me? To see the heartache in your child's eyes...to struggle to find the answer that will cause them the least amount of pain...that burden, too, falls upon her shoulders.”

There may come a time when you need to accept that fact that you child’s father is not going to be there for them. Don’t waste your time pining over something that is not going happen. Your number one goal is to protect your child’s heart. No one can break the heart of a child more than his or her father or mother.

Here are a few questions for you to answer about your ex or even a potential boyfriend…

Does he contribute to your strength and peace?
Does he help you to be a better mother?
Is he a distraction?
Does he suck the life out of you?

I would recommend finding a healthy father figure for your children. Maybe it’s a family member, or someone from your church. Your kids need to have someone in their life who is a positive male role model.

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: “What is best for the kids?”

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: “What is best for the kids?” Answering this the best you can will always be the right place to start when you feel confused and overwhelmed by your emotions and circumstances.

It’s very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. In my next blog, I’m going to give you some practical tips how to do that. Please send me a comment with ways you have found to take care of yourself so you are rested, recharged, and more capable of being the best mom you can be.

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145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

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143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

Dawson — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Last time I wrote about how becoming a single mother meant having your entire life flipped upside-down. You've been handed a challenging combination of emotions and responsibilities, and now you've got to figure out how to manage. It is no doubt overwhelming, and certainly something you can't do on your own.

The question is when is the right time?

Single moms need friendship, long for meaningful companionship, and can easily be frustrated and impatient with not having someone to share the responsibilities. As a single mom it is very likely you will want to date sooner than later. The question is when is the right time?

DATING

Dating is a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. The wrong kind of relationship can suck the life right out of you. The potential is very high for a single mother to become focused on her loneliness and try to find a boyfriend just to fill that loneliness. So she gets caught up in the need for a man or settles for someone unhealthy.

Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way to quickly.

Ashley wrote: "I thought that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy. But what I needed was to focus on being a mother to my kids and working to take care of all the responsibilities of our family. This meant sacrificing a lot for what I thought I needed."

You have to be very cautious about who you date, and even more cautious about when the boyfriend is to come into the life of your children. Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way to quickly. Even the very valid motivation of having a “dad" for their kids again is not good reason to move too fast. Not only is mom hurt when the relationship doesn't last, but so is the child.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated.

Sharon said: "Our children should not meet our 'dating partners' unless they are becoming a serious potential 'marriage partner.' They have already had to let go of the absent parent being an active part of their lives, they should not have to 'let go' again by getting attached to a dating partner with whom the relationship later ends, causing another loss to our child."

Some experts say it's not a good idea to bring your boyfriend around until it looks like you might be getting married. This prevents a lot of heartache and pain, and protects the kids from experiencing a "revolving-door" of different boyfriends in their house.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated. It will only leave her locked in her own emotions without any fresh perspectives. That's why I want to encourage you to use TheHopeLine so you aren't facing these confusing emotions alone. We can help.

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144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

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142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

Dawson — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Is there room for hope that things will get better? With God’s help, there is always hope.

It’s hard to be a parent. But to be a single parent, is even more challenging. If you are a single parent trust me when I say, you are definitely not alone! There are nearly 14 million single parents in the US, and a vast majority of the load of raising their kids is being carried by the mothers. Many people I talk to on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, are single mothers simply trying to find ways to cope. Trying to find ways to bring in enough money, take care of the responsibilities of a house or apartment, and still allow their children to have the life they long for them to have. It can be overwhelming. That’s why I wanted to address this important issue.

In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own.

So, how does one become a successful single mom? Especially when all you feel is overwhelmed and stressed-out? Is there room for hope that things will get better? With God’s help, there is always hope. Here are some thoughts to help you not only survive, but also to thrive!

1. Realize your life will never be quite the same again. My mama used to say, “People make their choices, and their choices make them.” She used to also say, “When you say yes to one thing, you may be saying no

Nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother.

to something else.” For whatever reason, however it came about, if you are a single mom, you said yes to putting yourself in a situation where you could become a single parent. And becoming a parent changes everything.

Rhea says that she has been a single Mom for two years now. “It is not an easy road. The added responsibility sucks the life out of a person because you're dealing with many issues: dealing with childcare while you're working, the many times you may have to miss work due to sickness of your kids,

Until you reach that place where you realize that your life will never be the same again, both you and your children will suffer.

the instability of support you may receive, making enough money to support yourself and your kids AND find a little extra in there somewhere for a little recreation.”

In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own. I have to think about my child first before I think about myself. Every decision I make has to be based on how it will affect my child(ren), which includes: who you date, what you do with your free time, your education, your extended family, your living situation, and in fact, every aspect of your life. Nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother. It’s not easy accepting all that responsibility and change. But it’s well worth it. At the end of the day, what’s more important than your children?

Until you reach that place where you realize that your life will never be the same again, both you and your children will suffer. Every single mom has to answer the question: “Outside of my relationship with God, are my priorities focused on my children first?”

Next week, I’m going to talk about issues single mothers face in their relationships with men. For example, how should she deal with the birth father? How much should he be involved in your kid’s life? When is it ok to date again, and who do you decide to date? Please tell me your story of your relationship with men as a single mom.

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143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

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141. Advice for Graduates

141. Advice for Graduates

Dawson — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

When you graduate, you’re sure to be overwhelmed with heartfelt congratulations, and maybe even fancy little books filled with syrupy platitudes about going after your dreams. While that’s all good, I’d like to offer a few words of real practical advice as you make your way out into the world.

1. Don’t be freaked out if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life.

It’s really impossible to know the future, but you can know what your next step is going to be.

You might be feeling pressure to figure everything out, like some people seem to have done. Like your friend from school who seems to have the path laid out in front of her, without having to worry about a thing. This is very unusual. It’s more common for someone to not have any idea what’s next. A large majority of people change their major in college, or never even use their major once they graduate from college. Plus, people change jobs all the time. You don’t have lock yourself into one thing you think you’re supposed to do the rest of your life. It’s really impossible to know the future, but you can know what your next step is going to be.

Trisha wrote: “As graduation approaches, I get nervous cause I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only thing I know is that I enjoy working with special needs kids, so I’m going to volunteer during the summer and see if I’d like it long-term.”

You can aim for making long-term goals, but make sure you start with the ones in front of you. Eventually, short-term steps will help get you where you want to go.

2. Don’t let outside pressure weigh you down.
After you graduate, you may all kinds of pressure, much of which we put on ourselves. Ash wrote: “For starters, I don’t want to disappoint anyone—shame isn't exactly a pleasant feeling. I don't want to screw things up for my future. That’s the main thing—trying not to screw everything up.”

Don’t let the weight of that pressure prevent you from making any decision at all.

You may even feel like your parents or teachers are pushing you too. Most of the time those closest to you just want what’s best for you. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see when we’re not doing all we can to make the most of our lives. It’s good to get their advice, just don’t let all that advice weigh you down.

3. Be bold and courageous.
When you’re in high school or college you will often find yourself in a cocoon of security because you know who you are and what you’re supposed to do. It’s easy, once you graduate, to be gripped with fear and insecurity about what comes next. This is why you need to be bold and courageous. If you have a dream, follow it. Explore all your options. Yes, you are making choices that will affect the rest of your life. That may feel like a huge responsibility, but don’t let the weight of that pressure prevent you from making any decision at all.

Adam wrote: “Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the choices in front of me. I don’t know what I want to do. I certainly don’t want to pick the wrong thing.”

The worst thing you can do is nothing. Jared wrote: “It’s tempting to want to sit on the couch and watch TV all summer. But in the past, when I was a camp counselor or helped out at my dad’s work, I felt better about myself, like I actually counted for something.”

And remember, it’s the people who find their dream, or their calling for this life, who are the most fulfilled.

4. Be patient with the process.

You get to decide what part you’d like to play in the grand story of life.

This is the most important point of all. Transitions are difficult, but you’ll make it through. You are on a great journey. It’s a very exciting time in your life, even though it’s a time of great change in your life. You may be used to defining yourself as a student, and when that’s over you may struggle to figure out how to define yourself. That’s okay. Tens of thousands of others have gone through the same thing and were able to make the adjustment and end up doing great things with their lives.

Remember, you have the whole world in front of you. You get to decide what part you’d like to play in the grand story of life. God’s great plan for your life will unfold over time, and in a way that you won’t be able to completely control yourself. Do your best, seek God, and trust that He will lead you, if you let Him.

Jesus said something very powerful in Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Next week, I’m going to start a three-part series on issues faced by single mothers.

It’s called, “Help! I’m A Single Mom!”

Do your best, seek God, and trust that He will lead you, if you let Him.

--Are you a single mom?
--What is the best advice you’d like to give someone just beginning the journey of single motherhood?
--How have you dealt with all the demands on your time?
--How do you find time for yourself?

Your story could help thousands of other single mothers.

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142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

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140. The Dangers of Prom Night

140. The Dangers of Prom Night

Dawson — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

What could be more exciting than the prom? It’s the big event of the year. It’s a chance for you and your friends to make special plans and go all out, spending a ton of money in hopes of having an awesome time. But lurking just below the surface are some dangers.

Most of these dangers take place after midnight. You’re tired, and your guard is down, and temptation is at an all-time high. It’s easier at these vulnerable times to do things you’ll regret later.

WHAT CAN TURN PROM NIGHT INTO A DISASTER?

Unrealistic Expectations
Some think they own their date for prom night because they’ve spent a ton of money on clothes, food, limo, etc. Along with this can come a certain expectation of receiving a certain amount of physical attention because of it. You don’t have to be this kind of girl or guy.

Talking about expectations for the night with your date, so you are both on the same page, will make a good and memorable night.

Also, some girls have expectations that the prom will be the most romantic, fairytale night ever – which easily makes her more open to compromising her values. It also sets her up for greater disappointment when the night ends up being far from the dream she imagined. This can lead to a broken heart and scars that could last a lifetime. It also can set up the guy to be a failure in her eyes. No guy can ever be the Prince Charming that she has fabricated in her mind.

Alcohol and Drugs
Prom nights throughout history are filled with stories of people who drank too much, got in a car, and never made it home. Others have died because they didn’t realize how much they were drinking, and ended up with alcohol poisoning. Your best bet is to avoid it all together on prom night. Also, you cannot take drugs or drink alcohol and drive, or even ride in a car driven by someone who has. It’s illegal and extremely dangerous. Also, when you drink, you are setting yourself up to make a complete fool of yourself.

Kayley wrote: “My best friend died in a car crash on prom night. She hadn’t been drinking, but the person driving had. They just went off the road.”

Sex
Chances are you are going to be around people who are drinking, and probably too much. These are the kind of people who are going to be more aggressive about doing things sexually that they normally wouldn’t do.

Dawn said: “Most of my friends lost their virginity at the prom....one of them ended up with an STD. Be smart ladies—make sure you understand the consequences. That same person ended up pregnant and gave the STD to her baby during birth.”

WHAT CAN MAKE PROM NIGHT A GOOD EXPERIENCE?

When you drink, you are setting yourself up to make a complete fool of yourself.

Talk beforehand about what’s going to happen
Talking about expectations for the night with your date, so you are both on the same page, will make a good and memorable night. After you talk about this, it will be easier to not let anyone pressure you into going someplace, or doing anything you don’t want to do.

Another way to keep your date’s expectations in check is to offer to pay for your part of the event—half of the ticket price, your portion of the limo, after party expenses, etc.

Make the prom a friend’s event
Some people find the prom to be more fun if they go with a group of friends, rather than making it a serious, overly romantic event filled with expectations. After the dance is over, don’t just go and hang around at someone’s house. This setting is ripe for drinking, drugs, and sex. Think up some group activities you will all enjoy.

David wrote: “For my prom, I went with a whole group of people from my youth group—guys and girls. We wanted to have a good time, but without all the pressures of wondering if we’re gonna hook up with someone or not. It was just good, pure fun. And when no one is drinking, it makes it so much easier, too.”

Stay sober
Staying sober will help you to remember the fun you had that night. What could be worse than getting so drunk you can’t even remember what you did or didn’t do. Your date will be grateful you’re not spending half the night barfing.

What could be worse than getting so drunk you can’t even remember what you did or didn’t do.

Make a pact
Your parents or another adult can be helpful for you as someone you can call to come pick you up if things get dangerous or uncomfortable. Then you’re guaranteed to never be trapped somewhere you don’t want to be. They are available to come pick you up with the promise they won’t make a scene in front of your friends.

Paul wrote: “I used to think that my parents didn’t trust me—that’s why they wanted me to keep checking in with them. Then I realized they actually could help me if I needed it.”

Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Prom should be one of the most memorable nights of your high school career. Your goal should be, “I’m going to the prom to have a good time, but not be haunted with many regrets.” Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Next week, I’m going to write a blog for all the Graduates. Please write and tell me some of the things you’re feeling – what are your fears, and how do you plan on making the adjustments this new transition will bring? I look forward to hearing from you.

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141. Advice for Graduates

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139. Sexting?

139. Sexting?

Dawson — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 15:48:00 GMT

A recent study found that 20% of teenagers have sent or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves. And an incredible 39% have sent or posted sexually suggestive emails or text messages! Most of these are being sent to boyfriends/girlfriends, but others say they are sending these pics & texts to someone they want to hook up with, or maybe even someone they only know online.

Sexting—sending, receiving or forwarding naked or provocative photos by your cell phone—has become incredibly popular in recent years. What do you think about sexting? Why do you think so many people are doing it?

It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person.

Cassie shared her reasons for sexting: “I think us girls do it because we think we have to. It’s a way to get a boy’s attention and show him what we got, and get him to like us more. Looking back, I regret it and wish I didn’t. I think the boys might actually lose respect for you.”

People sext because it’s so easy to do. It also has an element of risk to it. It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. You don’t really know how they’re going to respond to it. Will it turn them on, or off? Will they like you more, or less?

Abigail tells why she sends sext messages: “My compulsion towards sexting is similar to young girls who are promiscuous; I look for male affection in the wrong places. I seek it from boys who only like parts of me instead of all of me. It can easily become an addiction as strong as drugs or alcohol.”

Here are some things to think about before you take the plunge into sexting:

This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are.

1) Nothing you send or post stays private. It might seem harmless enough, just sending a dirty, flirtatious picture of yourself to your bf/gf’s phone. But before you can say, “For Your Eyes Only,” more people have seen you in your underwear than you ever dreamed. Anna said: “If you want every one of your boyfriend’s friends, and maybe more, to see your naked body then go for it. My boyfriend asked me for that and I said no and he respected that. My view is that one day I will go far in life and I don't want ‘sexting’ to be revealed now or ever.”

It might seem fun in the moment, but your flirty pics may be searchable by anyone on the planet for years to come. You can’t control what other people post online, or where they choose to send or post your dirty pictures.

3) Your joking around might be misunderstood. Just because, in your mind, your text or pic is meant to be fun, doesn’t mean the person who gets it will see it that way. Not to mention all the others who may see it as well. This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are. You may end up ruining your own reputation, simply for a few cheap thrills.

4) It’s impossible to be completely anonymous. If you’re sending pics online to a complete stranger, thinking they will never find out who you really are, or where you live, think again. Even though you may be disguising facts about your name, age, location, etc., it’s easy for online predators to find out who and where you are.

Legally, the consequences can be drastic.

5) Legally, the consequences could be drastic. Some states are really cracking down on sexting—declaring that sexting photos of someone who is a minor (even yourself!) is considered a felony. You can even end up getting labeled as a “sex offender.” That label would follow you for the rest of your life.

It may be very tempting to give in to a bf/gf’s request for you to sext them. But, whatever you do, don’t give in to their pressure. Almost half the people who sext, say they do it because of pressure from other people. Amber says this is what happened to her: “I had guys ask me for pictures and I gave in cause they told me they loved me and I believed them.”

You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Jessica finds herself in the same position: “My bf is always asking me for nude pics and I tell him no, and then he wants to break up with me when I don’t…so I give in.” How sad. Jessica was used and emotionally bullied by some guy who doesn’t even love her. It’s not worth it. It will never be worth it. The damage will far outweigh the supposed benefits. So don’t do it. You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Next week I’m going to write about your high school prom. Please tell me your prom story. What happened to you at the prom—good or bad? I look forward to hearing from you.

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140. The Dangers of Prom Night

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138. Are You Being Pressured Into Having Sex?

138. Are You Being Pressured Into Having Sex?

Dawson — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:58:00 GMT

Being pressured to have sex in a dating relationship is more common than most people think. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Though not as many, some guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.

Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.

Many of those who are pressured give in to it…mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they really care about, simply because they won’t have sex. Most people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever needs to be done to keep their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, lose their self-respect—not to mention the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.

Becca has learned this the hard way: “I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren’t even talking anymore. If you’re a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don’t violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life.”

So, what can you do if you’re feeling pressured into having sex by your boyfriend or girlfriend?

If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag.

1. Know where you stand. Most people with strong values and a clear understanding of what they believe are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don’t want to do. Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? If so, why? Do you understand the power of sex to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child? Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why—this will be extremely helpful when you’re pressured to give in.

Juli wrote: “It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in—I wish I hadn't and I won't again.”

2. Talk it out. Explain your desire to not have sex with your bf/gf. Say that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings, or your level of commitment. In fact, you like your bf/gf so much you don’t want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying, and take it personally, or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.

Madison said: “My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him, or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him—which is so far from the truth.”

If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.

3. Learn what real love is. The term love is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, “I love you,” he is really saying, “I don’t love you—I love me and what sexual favors you do for me.” Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else’s deeply held values. Love is patient, and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Loves always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy really loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.

Mandy wrote: “[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that’s why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it’s in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't.” For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it’s over, the empty words she’s heard and being alone again only leaves her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love really is.

Someone once said, “Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get.” A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend…and think that if she really loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn’t know what love is, or he’s lying about loving her. It’s easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.

4. Get rid of him/her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn’t right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship, than to do something you will later regret.

Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship.

Alli wrote: “Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day.” Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.

Heather wrote: “[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that’s why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation.”

Some people won’t go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won’t die, and in the end the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.

Bottom line: You don’t ever have to do anything with your body you don’t want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.

Next week, I’m going to blog about sexting. Why do people do it? And what do you feel are the consequences of it? I look forward to hearing from you.

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139. Sexting?

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137. Why Say No To Suicide?

137. Why Say No To Suicide?

Dawson — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Last week’s blog was pretty intense. I wanted to talk to someone who was just about to kill themself, and what I would want to tell him or her if I was there in person. This week, I want to write how you can face life in a healthy, courageous way.

You can have hope, because God has a purpose for your life.

1. Realize God loves you. He made you and He has a great plan for your life. He never promised life wouldn’t be hard, but He did promise He would be with you in whatever it is you’re going through. It’s never His desire that you kill yourself. Don’t make yourself out to be the judge, jury, the accused, and the executioner….it’s God’s decision when you live and die, not yours.

Mark wrote: “I used to be suicidal, and for the most part it comes right down to having hope and knowing you are loved. Hope is what will give you the strength to make it through until things get better.” You can have hope, because God has a purpose for your life.

2. Look for answers. Why do you feel like you need to kill yourself? What do you think you will accomplish through this? What effect would harming yourself have on those who love you? You will find great benefit to working through these questions, especially with the help of a professional therapist you can talk to in-depth about all that you’re going through.

John suggests finding someone to talk to, whether a good friend, family member or a support group: “Whatever the problem may be, just talking about it, (as our esteemed host has said many times) can be the greatest help we can get. Just knowing that you aren't alone, and that it has, and can be overcome, is a wonderful reassurance. Just discuss your problems with someone you can trust. I guarantee you the results will speak louder than any gun ever will.”

Don’t make yourself out to be the judge, jury, the accused, and the executioner.

3. Remember the best is yet to come. You, no doubt, have a long life ahead of you, full of great experiences and meaningful relationships you can’t even imagine right now. Life is filled with the potential to get better, deeper, richer, and more fulfilling. You may very well find meaningful work, and possibly get married and have children. And maybe even one day become a grandparent! You can begin now writing a really great legacy you’ll leave behind. Write down your thoughts. Write down your hopes for the future and the people you value in life. Read these to remind yourself that life is important. Keep talking to God on a continual basis. Keep track of positive things other people say about you, and the good they see in you.

This is what helped Betsy: “It was hard to believe that someone would care, but I have a special folder in my email which I keep old emails of people who have influenced me and the positive things they said about me. [Knowing] that someone sees something in me helps me see inside myself when things seem hopeless.”

Be the bold, brave one who fights through your pain, and stands up to the challenges of life with grace, confidence and joy.

4. Be a helper. There are people all around you who are struggling, and looking for someone to demonstrate strength and encouragement. In time, you could be that person by being the bold, brave one who fights through your pain, and stands up to the challenges of life with confidence and joy. You can do it! And in the process, you’ll encourage many other people to do the same.

Brianna wrote: “I just want everyone to know that I have been there and life isn’t easy, but death will only make everything more complicated. Everyone has rough patches in life but you just have to push through and soon enough you will come out the other side a new person—and you will feel amazing.”

She is right. Life is definitely worth living. When you feel the early warning signs of depression, and possibly a suicidal episode, realize that you need to treat yourself with utmost care, as opposed to becoming angry or mad at yourself. Fight off those feelings of being negative, and turn to those who will help you lift your spirits.

One day you might need a helping hand, the next day, you can be the hand reaching down to help pick up someone else.

God created you because He wanted you to live a rich and meaningful life. Even though life can seem unbearable at times, with God on your side, there is always reason for hope things will get better. But we can’t do it alone. We all need the help of someone close by to lend us a hand when we need it the most. One day you might need a helping hand, the next day you can be the hand reaching down to help pick up someone else.

Either way, let us not rob ourselves of tomorrow, when tomorrow could be the greatest time of our life. Live today and give tomorrow a chance. If you do that everyday, you will live a life of love, hope, and courage. Anyone can quit on life, but life was never designed to be quit on. So don’t give up, no matter what! Don’t give up!

Next week, I’m going to write about what to do if you boyfriend or girlfriend is pressuring you to have sex. Please write and tell me your story. What has worked for you? I look forward to hearing from you.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact my HopeLine at
1-800-394-4673 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

Dawson — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:00:00 GMT

I’m going to complete this series with the most important blog you might ever read. It might just save your life. What do you do when you are close to committing suicide? Every person who has ever killed themselves has stood on that cliff, and then made the wrong, devastating choice. At that moment of fear, despair, and chaos, they did not have a plan to save themselves from themselves. My prayer is that you will never get yourself in that predicament. But if you do, what I have to say could save you.

When you are feeling suicidal, my hope is that you’d come back and read this blog. Maybe you could print it out and put it someplace you’ll remember, and read it when you’re at your lowest.

When you have lost hope and are about to make a horrible mistake, remember…

1. Call your Contract For Life partner. A Contract For Life partner is someone you have made a commitment to. That commitment says,

“I promise that if I have serious thoughts of killing myself, I will talk with you or with someone else I trust before I do anything destructive.”

Every person who is even remotely thinking of suicide, should have a Contract For Life partner.

Keely said she has an older friend she calls when she feels suicidal thoughts coming on:“I told her everything. And I told her that I need her help. Sometimes I just call to hear her voice to know I’m not alone. Other times, I ask if we can get together. She doesn’t grill me, she’s just there for me.”

The sooner you can get with that Contract For Life partner face to face, your chances for survival greatly increase. A Contract For Life partner is priceless. If you do not have one, make it a priority to go looking for one today. Someone who is deeply suicidal and alone is with one of the most dangerous people they’ll ever be with—themself.

It is in time that we begin to think far more clearly.

2. Remove whatever can harm you at that very moment. If there are guns, knives, and pills in your house, then RUN from your house. Get in your car and drive away from anything you can use to hurt yourself. This will buy you time to settle down and begin to think rationally. Some people are most suicidal when they are drunk. Have someone you know and trust clear all those things out of your house and vehicle. Remember, when you are suicidal, time is your friend. It is in time that we begin to think far more clearly.

Wendalin said she was suicidal for over three years but was helped by knowing she wasn’t alone: “I had a friend who was there for me no matter what. I tried to push this friend away so many times, she took away the knifes and scissors I'd cut with, my Dad's diving knife, my grandpa's gun, and the hose and rope so I couldn't hang myself. Even though I was so mad at her for it, I knew she cared and that she really did love me.”

3. Realize you will die if you believe the lie. The lie is that suicide will solve all your problems. This is one of the greatest lies of all. It implies there is no other way out of your predicament than to end your life. Suicide is a lie that makes cowards out of whom God wanted to turn into courageous heroes.

Suicide is a lie that makes cowards out of whom God wanted to turn into courageous heroes.

You may be feeling extremely overwhelmed right now. It probably feels like the pain is never going to go away. Remember: the pain is temporary, but suicide is forever. We can never escape all of life’s difficult challenges. In one form or another they will always be there. But if you courageously take that first step away from suicide, and find healthy ways to deal with these challenges, you will be stronger and more able to deal with challenges you will face in the future. At your darkest hour, turn away from the lie and turn toward those who will tell you the truth.

Glory wrote: “I tried a couple times but it never really worked. Then one night I realized something: If you can't change it, get over it. There are much better things to do in life then sit around hating life. God gave us life so we should use it. Killing yourself is only running away from your problems. It won't help one bit.”

4. Turn to other activities. The key here is to get your mind off of doing the unthinkable. If you are near suicide, you want to change the subject, or divert your mind from what you were planning to do. Walk, jog, bike, swim, take a nap, take a hot shower, watch a movie, listen to music, read a book, do household chores, clean, go shopping, go to the park, etc. Anything to change the subject.

If you are near suicide, you want to change the subject, or divert your mind from what you were planning to do.

Kelsey discovered this worked for her: “I actually went and got a knife to kill myself and I just stopped and…I was thinking this really isn’t solving my problems is it? So I just decided to try to get into something like hip-hop classes, get my mind off my life, and just try to live life to the fullest.”

What I have shared with you today is only the beginning of what to do if you are extremely suicidal. Next week, we’ll talk further about how to face life in a healthy, courageous way.

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137. Why Say No To Suicide?

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135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

Dawson — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:00:00 GMT

If you know someone who has thought about committing suicide, you realize how hard it is to know what to say or do about it. Are they just joking? Do they just want attention? Or is something serious going on? The truth is, most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but people around them are either unaware of the significance of those warnings or don’t know how to respond to them.

Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions.

Kendra said she has thought about killing herself many times: “If I don't have anyone to talk to once in a while, to get my feelings out, I get really sad, because I feel like no one cares about me. I think about what would people think if I was dead, or would they be happier without me?”

I’d hate to think Kendra, or someone like her, would kill herself because she feels no one ever showed her they cared. Perhaps you have a friend like Kendra who has said some things to you that sounded like she or he might be deeply depressed, or even suicidal. It’s very important to recognize those signs.

Here are some of the signs to watch for. A suicidal person may:
- Talk about suicide, death, and/or having no reason to live
- Withdraw from friends or social activities
- Experience drastic changes in behavior
- Lose interest in hobbies, work, school, etc.
- Give away prized possessions
- Lose interest in their personal appearance
- Express a deep sense of hopelessness
- Increase in drug or alcohol use
- A deep sense of serenity, or being at peace
- Complain about being a bad person or feeling rotten inside

They even may be so desperate they might say something like...
- If I killed myself, then people would be sorry
- If I wasn’t around no one would miss me
- All of my problems will end soon
- I won’t be a problem for you much longer
- Nothing matters; it’s no use
- I won’t see you again

So what can you do to help someone who is threatening suicide?
- Get involved. Be available. Show interest and support
- Don’t be afraid to talk with them about suicide. Talking about it does not make it worse, but better. Be direct. Talk openly and freely about suicide
- Ask if he/she is thinking about suicide
- Ask if they have a plan. If so, take them seriously and move quickly to get help. Remove anything that would help them carry out their plan – guns, drugs, alcohol, knives, etc.
- Don’t bait the suicidal. Don’t say, “I think you’re just bluffing. I don’t believe you.”
- Be willing to listen. Be non-judgmental. Don’t lecture
- Don’t ask “why.” This encourages defensiveness
- Don’t act shocked
- Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Get support
- Offer hope that alternatives are available

Nicole said her sister saved her when she felt suicidal: “Because of her, I am still here. If you know anyone who you may think have depression or suicidal thoughts ask him or her if everything is okay and comfort them.”

Make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously.

Reassure your friend that you love them. That’s what happened when Heather was feeling suicidal: “I told [my friend] what was going on and he just kept telling me that he cared—that it wasn’t the right thing for me, that I had so much more to do with my life. But the thing that helped me was that he said he loved me. I had felt so alone and no one had told me that in awhile not even my mom.” Remind your friend that no matter how awful his/her problems seem, they can be worked out, and you are willing to help.

Get involved. Be available. Show

Please make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously. Of all the people who have committed suicide, 80% have given some kind of warning. A person who you feel is “high risk” for suicide should never be left alone, if even for a moment. Keep talking to that person, and stay with him or her. Don’t feel like you have to handle this on your own. Get help from individuals or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love.

Most times a suicidal person needs someone close to them to be a voice of hope. Amberly agrees: “Sometimes all you need is to be loved and know someone is there to catch you when you are about to fall.” You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love. Your efforts might just save someone’s life. But in the end, you can only do your best. If your friend should commit suicide, it is never your fault. Each person is responsible for their own actions. Remember, 20% of all suicides cannot be prevented, no matter what. So don’t drown in a sea of guilt if someone you know kills themself.

Next week, I’m going to end this series on suicide by writing about what to do if you feel suicidal. What can you do to help save your own life? I look forward to reading your comments.

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136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

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134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

Dawson — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

The consequences of suicide are not just that one person is dead, it’s a tragedy of epic proportions for the people left behind.

If you’ve ever known someone who has committed suicide, you know there’s absolutely no question suicide is a horrific tragedy. Suicide is a horribly wrong answer to whatever problems we face. A person’s pain is very real and understandable—but there are healthy ways to deal with it. Suicide is not one of them. In fact, it’s painful to say but true, suicide may be the most selfish act a person could ever do. The consequences of suicide are not only that one person is dead, it’s a tragedy of epic proportions for the people left behind that goes on for many, many years.

Many suicide attempts are brought on by interpersonal conflicts, and are used to impact others. It’s like someone is saying:
“You hurt me, now I’ll hurt you.”
“I will make you pay for what you have done to me.”
“They don’t love me now, but they’ll think of me when I’m dead…”
“Maybe you’ll learn a lesson, or feel guilty the rest of your life for how you treated me.”

Rather than courageously working through relationship problems, the suicidal takes the easy way out by inflicting as much pain on others as possible. There’s no question suicide inflicts enormous pain on others.

It’s this willful, hurting of others that makes suicide one of the most selfish acts a person can do.

It’s this willful, hurting of others that makes suicide one of the most selfish acts a person can do. Tabi wrote: “My dad committed suicide when I was 16. I am now 21 and still am haunted by questions like ‘Why?’ and ‘How could he do this? Didn't he care about my family and me?’ I yearn to know the thoughts that went through his head when he was thinking about and finally made that choice. Knowing the suffering that suicide causes first hand to both friends and family has even saved me when I was seriously considering suicide.”

If every person who committed suicide could have just stopped and thought about the enormous pain their actions will cause, perhaps there would be far fewer self-inflicted deaths. Anna has felt suicidal for several years: “What woke me up was my friend who committed suicide. My sister told me that the pain I had from my friend’s [suicide] would be the pain that all my family and friends would feel. So it was kind of a guilt trip, but it saved my life.”

People left behind after a suicide will wonder what they could’ve done differently—living with those questions of shame and guilt the rest of their lives. An anonymous blogger wrote about how thinking of his little brother saved his life: “How would it sound to say he never knew his big brother because he killed himself? So I lived and I am happy for it now because I can look back and say that I'm a survivor of a hugely difficult time that almost claimed my life!”

God loves you and there are others who will love you if you reach out.

There are many reasons why a person should not kill themselves. I have dealt with just one of those reasons. A person who commits suicide thinks he or she may be hurting just one person, and if that person has hurt them, it’s worth it to get revenge. They fail to understand they don’t just hurt one person, but many, many others. It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it.

Cheyenne wrote: “Life may not seem worth living to you because you are having problems but I'm here to say it will not only affect you but your family and friends too. You have to stop and think of yourself first, but them second—no matter what. I'm so thankful I'm still alive today!”

People you leave behind will wonder what they could’ve done differently.

No matter what you are facing today, suicide is an option. But it’s the worst option of them all. So turn to those who will help you before you enter into the tragic goodbye. Just remember, God loves you and there are others who will love you if you reach out. So that one day, you will be able to say, “I stared at self-inflicted death, and courageously turned away. And I’m so glad I did.”

Next week, I’m going to write about some signs that your friend might be suicidal, and how you can help them. I’d love to hear from you about how you helped a friend, or how a friend has helped you when you felt suicidal.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact my HopeLine at 1-800-394-4673 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

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133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

Dawson — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

It’s hard to believe that after over 130 blogs we are now talking about suicide. Suicide is never easy to discuss, but talking about it may save some lives. So if because of these blogs, one person is saved from suicide, it will be well worth it—especially if that person is you.

I’m amazed at the many powerful and wise comments I have received from you about suicide. Last week, I asked you to tell me why you think people contemplate suicide and you had some amazing insights. It’s clear that it’s usually not just one thing that compels someone to feel suicidal. You said it’s a combination of a lot of things, including:

pain
loneliness
rejection
abuse
deep sadness
guilt
depression
helplessness

More than anything, I believe people who commit suicide feel hopeless. They are hurting so badly and want the pain to end, but they can’t imagine it ever going away. They can’t see the light at the end of a very dark, lonely tunnel. Have you ever felt this way?

When a person’s thoughts get so negative, about their circumstances or even about themselves, they can’t find a reason to live. They think their problems are unsolvable and they feel completely out of control. I believe first and foremost, hopelessness is a serious spiritual problem rooted in lies and incorrect logic. Anytime you believe lies about yourself, you’re listening to the wrong voices.

People who commit suicide think their problems are unsolvable and they feel completely out of control

Jennifer said suicide has been a daily struggle for the past nine years due to being sexually abused. “I feel like suicide is the only option I have left, the only chance at peace I'll ever have. It's as if something will always be missing and life will never be quite right.” There’s no denying that the pain of sexual abuse is tremendous. But the abuse is not Jennifer’s fault. She’s the victim, but she doesn’t have to take the punishment that is due to her abuser. Additionally, the world is filled with thousands of people who have survived and overcame abuse they have suffered. Jennifer, you can be one of them!

Have you ever gone through something so painful you were convinced the pain was never going to go away? Many people who contemplate suicide say something like:“I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to go away.” They think, “Because I’m in intense pain today, I will always be in pain.” It’s this incorrect logic that leads many people down the horrific path of suicide. As long as you have a breath, there is always room for hope.

As long as you have a breath, there is always room for hope.

For a person who wants to commit suicide, the fear of the unknown in death is less than the fear of living with pain for the rest of their lives. Suicide seems to be the ultimate escape—the ultimate pain-reliever. But as someone said once, “Suicide is too much medicine for the sickness.”

Bob wrote: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My temporary problems never seem to end, but one day they might, or I might learn to handle them, and that's what I put my hope in.”

The truth is: Pain is temporary. Suicide is forever.

Kas wrote: “I think about suicide pretty much every second of the day. It seems like it's my only choice anymore. I know it's not the answer, but at times I just feel like I can't move on with this life anymore.”

You are worth so much more than just being a quitter.

When you start to think suicide is the only option, you are incorrect. That’s convoluted thinking, which also gets magnified if you’re using alcohol or drugs. Some people try to escape their pain by cutting, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, etc. In the end, these all fail—they never address the actual root of the pain, they only temporarily cover it up.

But by far, suicide is the greatest failure. When you kill yourself, you never give yourself the opportunity to grow, to get stronger, to write a great story with your life, and to experience hope and love from people in your life. You are worth so much more than just being a quitter.

Jordyn wrote: “Some people have suicidal thoughts because they want to escape the isolation, pain, and rejection from the environment surrounding them. Others simply feel they have reached a state of loneliness and depression in their lives to the point where their thoughts become so negative, they can't find any other reason to live. They would rather not confront it because of the fear of hurt that comes along with it, than confront it to rebuild their lives. I feel that when you go through times of depression and think about committing suicide, God is there by your side. He will not abandon you. It is only a matter of whether you reach out to Him through prayer that you will be free from these thoughts.”

There are so many healthy ways to deal with pain and hurt. Even though the road to healing may be long and hard, it’s a much better road to take than the shortcut of suicide. Amanda agrees there’s always another option besides suicide: “Just because you get into a sticky situation or face a problem does not mean you have to commit suicide just to get out of the situation!”

God has made you very strong person and you will get through this.

Whatever you are going through right now is only temporary. It will pass. It may be difficult and possibly the most challenging thing you’ve ever been through, but God has made you very strong person and you will get through this. I promise.

Next week I’m going to write about the cruel consequences of suicide, and what it does to the people left behind. Do you know someone who has committed suicide? How did it affect you? What would you like to tell that person if you had the chance? Thanks for sharing your story with me.

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134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

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132. SUICIDE

132. SUICIDE

Dawson — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

Ten percent of people you see have in some way tried to commit suicide.

Suicide is a massive problem. If you haven’t thought about killing yourself, chances are you know someone who has. For example, within a typical high school classroom, it is likely that three students (one boy and two girls) have made a suicide attempt in the past year. Think about that for a moment the next time you are in a classroom or perhaps in the cafeteria at work. Look around and realize that probably ten percent of people you see have in some way tried to commit suicide. They feel overwhelmed and see suicide as their only option out.

Jess has those very feelings: “I have considered suicide many times in my life. I am bipolar and when I get really depressed I want to kill myself. Life also becomes overwhelming with school and things going on at home.”

Every 2 hours, a person under the age of 25 commits suicide.

Let’s look at it another way. Every 2 hours, a person under the age of 25 kills him or her self. In most cities on Sunday nights, my radio show Dawson McAllister Live goes for two hours. Sometimes just after the show I say to myself, “While the show was going on, some teenager or young adult across America went ahead and committed suicide. I am deeply thrilled that my show and our off-air HopeLine has saved thousands of people from killing themselves. Yet I am still haunted by the many we could not prevent. It goes without saying, suicide is a big deal. Once you are successful at it, there are no second chances or turning back.

Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.

I wish this wasn’t the case. That’s why I’m doing a blog series about this life and death issue. If somehow I can help one person to turn away from suicide, it will all be worth it. Maybe it will be Jess, or the person who emailed me anonymously: “I struggle with suicide. I just need some help.” Or maybe that someone is you.

There is a lot of confusion about suicide and what causes it. But this much I do know:

Suicide is preventable. Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.
Suicide never just comes “out of the blue.” There are always personal reasons for the feelings.
Every suicidal person desperately needs someone to listen to them.
Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions.
There is no such thing as “a lost cause” when someone is suicidal.
It helps to talk about suicide, and the personal reasons behind it.
If someone you know commits suicide, it’s not your fault.

There is no such thing as “a lost cause.”

As Roiselyn wrote: “We need to find ways among ourselves to prevent suicide from happening, not just leave it to ‘experts’ or therapists.” She is right. Experts can certainly help, but most suicidals turn to their friends for help first. That is why this blog series may be the most important blogs I have ever written. So please stay with me as we tackle this horrific and tragic act—suicide.

Next week, I’m going to write about some of the different reasons why people kill themselves. Please write to me and tell me your story of why you thought suicide was the answer. What was it that caused you to think about suicide? What have you done to overcome those horrific thoughts? Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

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133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

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131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

Dawson — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

These last few weeks I’ve been blogging about the power of words. You no doubt have experienced how careless and cruel words hurt others and tear apart the closest of friends. Unfortunately, words have the power to even destroy someone’s reputation.

A blogger wrote: “All my life I have been talked and gossiped about, and still am, behind my back. I just ignore them and walk away but sometimes I wonder what is the problem with me and what have I done to deserve being talked badly about.”

Even though no one can have complete control over what others say or think about them, it is possible to do some things that can protect your reputation, and possibly prevent people from gossiping about you.

The very best thing you can do to protect your reputation is to manage your online presence.

The Internet, in particular, has the potential to define the reputation of a person for good or bad—what people see or read about you online influences their opinion of you. So the very best thing you can do to protect your reputation is to manage your online presence.

How can you do that?

Take down anything that it is inappropriate online and put up what you would like others to know about you.

For example…

Nothing on the Internet or sent through phones is truly private, it can all be traced.

Don’t post inappropriate or sexual comments or photos on facebook or myspace. Whatever you post on the web is painting a picture of who you are. You never know who is going to see something you post on the web. What might seem like an inside joke between you and a good friend can be misinterpreted by someone on the outside, including potential future employers. Information online is often permanent and searchable.
Don’t post music, lyrics or images that are violent, sexual, or drug-related.While you may know you don’t do drugs, or that you’re not violent, someone who doesn’t know you might find it easy to think you are—they might not get the joke.
Don’t use email addresses with sexual overtones, and don’t send sexual texts or photos through your phone or email. You might think you’re only sending it to one person, but you never can know for sure who they will think should see it. Nothing on the Internet or sent through phones is truly private, it can all be traced. And remember, everything you do online is sending a message to others about who you are.

Cierra said: “If you want to protect your reputation you have to think about if I do this just once, do I want people knowing about it or thinking of me in this way? I know you shouldn't care about what others think, but there are times when it's okay to.”

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act.

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act, not only online but offline. People are watching and making judgments about what kind of person you by what you show them. As you begin to understand this, you are better able to act in ways that will enhance your reputation rather than damage it.

I’m so excited you are reading my blogs. I write them for you with the hope it will help you in some way. Thank you Jolene for your encouraging words: “I love how Dawson tells how gossip really hurts. Other blog sites just gossip, this one tells us how hurtful it can be. I am so glad that Dawson is down-to-earth.”

Next week, I am starting a very important series about suicide and I need your help. Please tell me your story about suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Why do so many people have suicidal thoughts?
Have you ever considered committing suicide? Why?
What stopped you from going through with your plans?
Have you ever had a friend commit suicide? How did that affect you?

Please comment here on this blog and let me know your thoughts. It will help me greatly with my writing.

Thank you!
Dawson

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132. SUICIDE

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130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

Dawson — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

You, no doubt, have experienced the damaging effects of people gossiping about you. If you haven’t, consider yourself fortunate. Gossiping is such a popular way for people to spend their time, and tragically, the damage it can do spreads like a virus, until someone’s reputation is seriously damaged.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then work on showing that to other people.

Perhaps you’ve been the focus of some gossip, and your reputation has been hurt. Maybe you’ve made some bad choices, and the gossipers are now using them against you. Or maybe someone is making up lies about you, simply trying to hurt you. You may feel like there’s no chance to counteract the horrible things they are saying. It’s going to take some time, but trust me, you can rebuild your reputation. Here are some ideas on how to do it…

1) Ignore the negative. It is very important to stop listening to all the bad things being said about you—it will only bring you down and leave you feeling discouraged and hopeless.

That was Sarah’s experience, “I was driving myself crazy, listening or even trying to imagine what other people were saying about me. I had to stop. Then I could finally move on.”

2) Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then work on showing that to other people. You’re well aware of how you don’t want people to view you. How do you want them to view you? And why?

3) Find one other person you can talk to who will remind you of the person you want to be, and believes the best about you. If you can’t find anyone, be that person for yourself.

Are your friends adding to, or taking away, from your reputation?

Devon commented: “Until I could find a good friend, I had to keep telling myself over and over I am not the person they say I am. I’m a good person and though I’m not perfect, I’m working on getting better.”

4) Be honest about your mistakes. If the source of the gossip is rooted in truth, let people (especially the people you care about the most) know what is true, but that you want to change. Then, over time, go about proving it to them!

Time will usually heal a lot of difficult situations.

5) Figure out if you need a new group of friends. Are your friends adding value to, or taking away, from your reputation? If they are affecting your reputation in a negative way, you don’t have to neglect, or start talking badly about them, but you might want to add some new people into your life—people who are known to say encouraging and positive things.

Misty said: “I found out from another friend that the people I was hanging out with were only hurting my reputation. I still care about them, but I need to be careful about what influence they might be having on me.”

6) Show you care about other people. Smile, and be nice to people you see. Take a genuine interest in what other people are doing or thinking. People always appreciate someone who seems to care. You’ll find that people will be drawn to you, and less likely to talk badly about you.

7) Make a little change. Sometimes changing something as simple as your hairstyle or your clothes will make a ton of difference in how people view you. Be creative, and don’t be afraid to “conform” just a little bit to what seems to be the current looks.

Don’t ever try to turn into something you are not.

8) Be patient. It takes time to build a good reputation. And even more time to rebuild a damaged one. In time, the truth about you will be known. A good reputation is hard to destroy. Who you are as a person speaks for itself. Besides, sometimes people go on with their own lives, and forget what was said about you.

David had this experience: “I had people saying bad things about me. But after a while, people just kind of forgot about it. You just have to be patient and stay confident.”

Hint • If you’re feeling like you need to rebuild your reputation, ask your close friends or family what they see to be your positive or negative traits. What do they think would be beneficial for you to adjust, in order to help improve your reputation?

No matter what you do to rebuild your reputation, don’t ever try to turn into something you are not. Just remember to be true to yourself, and honest to your closest friends. As you seek to live the best life you can, you will be able to hold your head held high—no matter what other people say about you.

Next week, I’m going to write about how to Protect Your Reputation. What are some of the things you do to keep your reputation gossip-free? Let me know. Thanks for your help!

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131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

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129. The Danger of Gossip

129. The Danger of Gossip

Dawson — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

It’s been said, “knowledge is power.” Unfortunately, many people like to spread damaging information or intimate details about others, whether true or not. This is what is called gossip. It used to be that people called gossip, “dishing the dirt.” Whatever it’s called, people use gossip to hurt people, in order to feel good about themselves, and to feel like they have power over others.

If you know something juicy someone did over the weekend, it’s easy to feel like you have to tell others. We especially like it when we hear something that makes someone look bad. Celebrity bloggers and gossip magazines make millions of dollars off of this unfortunate reality. I’m sure you’ve encountered gossip. Some people seem to thrive on it.

It’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of it.

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation. A reputation is very fragile. When you gossip, you are helping to destroy something extremely valuable. An anonymous blogger wrote: “After telling my best friend, it leaked that I tried [cutting] once. Everyone thought I was even more of a freak.”

If you think it’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of gossip, here are some tips on how to do it…

1) Make a commitment you’re not going to gossip.
Even though the temptation to gossip is powerful, you will always win when you choose not to use it. And really, with all gossip, there’s no way of knowing for sure what is true or not. Paul wrote: “I admit that I love spreading rumors. It’s all about telling lies about someone you don’t like. It usually works.” That’s the problem, it does work, almost every time.

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation.

2) Don’t listen to others when they gossip
Gossip grows an audience. You simply being there listening to it adds to its appeal. If someone starts to tell you something gossipy, say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this person when they’re not here to defend themselves.” Not only will you break the gossip chain, but you also will gain the trust of other people, as someone who won’t spread rumors.

With all gossip, there’s no way of knowing what is truth or lies.

3) Don’t judge people based on gossip.
If you should hear gossip about someone you don’t know, you have two choices: allow the gossip to determine what you believe, or let your own personal experience determine what you think. The first time you have an experience with someone that is contrary to the gossip you’ve heard, you’ll be a lot more careful about spreading or believing gossip the next time you hear it.

Katy wrote: “My best friend is someone who people used to say really bad things about. But once I got to know her, I learned the truth about her. I’m so glad I gave her a chance.”

4) Think before you speak.
Before you repeat something you’ve heard about another person, think: does this really do any good for me to spread this information? Or am I just trying to “be in the know?” Is the information even true? Could I be hurting someone by telling this, even if it’s true? If the person you are talking to is not part of the problem, or part of the solution, there’s no need to tell them anything.

Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others.

5) Stay away from people who gossip to you—they will gossip about you. Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others. Be very careful about what you choose to tell these people. If it’s a close friend, you might consider saying how you want to stop spreading gossip, and that you’d really like her help.

There’s an old saying, “stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That’s not true. Being gossiped about can be extremely painful. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to others. In the end, it never pays to gossip.

Next week, I’m going to write about what you can do to rebuild a bad reputationdestroyed by gossip, and then I’ll follow that up with ways you can protect your reputation. What have you done to repair a bad reputation? Please tell me your story. I look forward to hearing from you.

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130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

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128. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 3

128. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 3

Dawson — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

Going through your parents’ divorce is one of the most tragic experiences you can go through. Unfortunately, it’s become such a common occurrence, it is easy to think you’re supposed to act like it’s no big deal, even though you feel like you’re dying inside.

In an earlier blog, I strongly urged you to realize your parents’ divorce is not your fault. It is also very important to know that whatever you’re feeling, no matter how terrible, you’re not alone. In this blog, let’s talk further ways to deal with your parents’ divorce in a healthy way.

You Can Deal With Your Parent’s Divorce In A Healing Way By...

1) Being Honest About Your Hurt and Pain
Some experts believe the trauma of divorce is more difficult than even the death of a loved one. With the death of a parent, the loss is complete. There’s a certain finality to it. But with divorce, the loss seems to have no ending (you may hope your parents will get back together again), and the pain is ongoing. Rayette said: “Going through divorce is like getting your heart torn in pieces.”

One of the worst things you can do is ignore your true feelings and tell yourselves lies to seemingly help take away the pain. Suppressed or unexpressed feelings can lead to anger, depression, and even addiction.

You are responsible for dealing with your pain and getting healing.

Leigh wrote about how keeping her feelings bottled up created more problems than it solved. “I thought I was protecting myself, but I started getting really angry and I was taking it out on the people around me. I was also so focused on myself that I didn't even stop to think that there were other people who were hurting. So my advice would be to write it out and talk it out. When I told my friend what was going on, I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders.”

Dealing with the truth about your parents’ divorce may bring you face to face with awful emotional pain. But the hurt, if handled in the right way, will lead to freedom and healing.

2) Refusing to Blame Others and Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing
Just like denial is a trap, you can also fall into the trap of blame—holding others so responsible for your pain that you refuse to be accountable for your own actions. When you blame others, you feel justified in acting out your own anger and destructive behavior.

No one really takes responsibility for their healing until they develop a plan—deciding what kind of person you want to be, how you plan to deal with your parents, and how you would like to grow from this experience.

When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can find the power to begin again.

Courtney said she could blame her parents for getting a divorce, but instead she’s choosing to catch a bigger vision for how good her life can be: “I want to believe in ‘true love,’ but have a hard time seeing it because it has never been in a home around me. But when I get married, if I do, divorce is not an option. I cannot and will not raise a child the way I was.”

There’s no question that you, like Courtney, are the victim of your parents’ divorce. But remember, you are still responsible for dealing with your pain and healing.

3) Grieving Over the Deep Loss In Your Life
When your parents divorce, a part of you is ripped away. Something that was so important to you is now gone. And you feel like your life will never be the same again. Divorce shatters the sense of security you had when there was both a father and a mother who loved each other and who would love and provide for you. This is truly heartbreaking.

Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone.

There’s nothing weak about grieving. When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can start to see hope again. Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone. You must find someone you can trust—maybe a pastor, counselor, therapist, friend, or an adult friend. Both Avangeline and Meagan both confirm this truth from their own experiences.

Avangeline said, “The most important thing is to find one person, that no matter where you go, you can always talk to. Having at least one person to vent to is critical in how you get through hard times.”

Meagan wrote: “My parents got divorced when I was two. I'm thirteen now and I have to go through their horrible parenting. But as long as you have someone on your side to talk to, then you'll find out that it's not your fault and you'll grow out of your pain.”

4) Taking Comfort and Hope from God
God wants to use the people in your life to bring you comfort in your times of sorrow. You might even consider writing a letter to God, expressing your sadness. God knows your heartache and wants to help you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God wants to comfort you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God will help you through it. And He wants to use you to help others who are also struggling with the pain of divorce and its consequences. God doesn’t want you to continually see yourself as a victim. Instead, He wants to help you so that by His power you can overcome these difficult experiences. Instead of getting bitter, He will help you get better.

But whatever you do, don’t give up. There is hope for you. Millions of people have gone through what you are experiencing and have overcome their hurt. You can too!

Amanda put it well when she said: “Don't let [your parents’ divorce] control your life…and whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP! Do not run. You can’t run from your problems, they will follow you for the rest of your life.”

Why don’t you send this blog to someone you know who is going through the divorce of their parents—perhaps they could benefit from reading this?

My next blog is going to be about gossip and the danger of it, how to rebuild a bad reputation destroyed by it, as well as how to protect your reputation. Let me know how you have survived an attack on your reputation. Your comments will help my writing. Thanks!

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129. The Danger of Gossip

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127. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 2