I have been thinking this last week about how devastating it is when a love addict finally admits and owns his/her love addiction. Is it any wonder people hang on to their addictions for all they’re worth because, if you finally admit you are a love addict and your relationship is based on faulty thinking and feelings, then where do you go? You give up your boyfriend/girlfriend because the relationship is toxic, harmful, and scarring. But then, you are left totally alone with a deafening silence and ache deep within your soul. So you lie to yourself, and tell yourself the next relationship you find (and you’re going to find it quickly) will be different. It won’t end in a disaster. That of course is a lie. You’ve talked yourself in to a love treadmill that leads to exhaustion and takes you nowhere. So what do you do? How do you stay sane when you do not have a significant other or someone in your life?
- Work on being alone, and accepting yourself for just who you are without a boyfriend/girlfriend to prop you up. Learn how to commune with
God and other friends whom you are not romantically interested in. It is amazing how free you’ll feel not having that panicked feeling that you have to have someone in your life. “…you must have an accurate sense of who you are, you're own identity. Someone who is too caught up in their own insecurities and short comings will live with a ‘me’ mentality. A great relationship starts with being comfortable with who God has made you to be and His dream for your life, and then allowing that to overflow into the life of another.” (Sarah)
“…you must have an accurate sense of who you are, your own identity.”
- Talk about these issues and your bent towards love addiction with your friends or a minister, someone who will talk loving, but straight with you.Just talking about these things will help you more clearly understand yourself and realize you are not alone. In time, you will learn an incredible truth – it’s okay to be alone. You will not die without a boyfriend/girlfriend. Life does go on. There is more to life than an addictive, toxic relationship. Without all the emotional panic and crazed feelings, you can begin to slow down and actually enjoy life for what it is. Is this easy? No. It will take time to learn a whole new way of thinking and acting.
- Work on developing new friendships with people from both sexes that do not have any romantic overtones to them. I’ve always thought people of the opposite sex need to be together just to hang out as friends. This will not only help fill the need for companionship, but will also help you understand what the opposite sex thinks and feels about the key issues of life. You can learn a lot about the opposite sex through good friends, especially when there isn’t the pressure to have some dramatic, big time love relationship. Let’s face it, if you are a love addict you definitely need a rest from all the drama and intensity of an impossible relationship. You are no doubt tired. Finding new friends will help give you the rest and relief you need to look more clearly at yourself and think about the kind of person you would like to have a romantic relationship with.
- Little by little, work your way back into a dating relationship. The important thing to remember here is to slow down and not force things. A lot of times, a person you will really come to love will come into your life when you weren’t even looking for them. It’s amazing how that works, but I have heard hundreds of people tell me they found the one they love the most when they weren’t looking for them. To find a boyfriend/girlfriend out of panic is a recipe for disaster. So slow down and let life come to you.
- Develop a meaningful relationship with God. No matter what you think
about church or organized religion, fact is you and I are wired to have a meaningful relationship with God. He is the only One who can give us peace and confidence, even when we’re not dating or are totally alone. Because in a real sense, we are not totally alone if we have a relationship with God. God will fill the hole in our soul, and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time. He loves us millions of times more than we can ever love ourselves. We need to turn our whole desire to be loved over to Him. After all, He is the very essence of love. Take time to find and know God. He alone will transform our lives.
God will fill the hole in our soul, and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time.
- Begin to look for healthy qualities in the people you meet. You don’t need to date one more troubled, self-indulgent, toxic person. You need to change your whole way of thinking of the kind of person you might want to have a relationship with. For example, Sarah had thought through the kind of person she would like to date. “A good relationship takes an equal amount of commitment from each partner. You have to allow your partner their personal space, allow them to spend time with their friends instead of always wanting to know where they are. There also needs to be equal understanding and support from both partners. You have to appreciate your partner’s positives as well as their negatives. Relationships are mainly about equilibrium and stability between the partners.” (Sara) I totally agree with what Sarah said. Think about the right kind of person to date, and wait for that person. Don’t settle for second best.
I want to end this series of blogs where I began, with the wise words of King Solomon recorded in the Bible. He said, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC – HOOK-UPS AND FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
My next blog is going to deal with hook-ups and friends with benefits.
What do you think about them? Have you ever had a hook-up or friend with benefits? How did it work out for you? Are you sorry you got involved or was it a positive experience for you?
Leave your comments. It will greatly help me as I blog about things few others want to talk about.
11-08-2007 12:00 AM