Finding someone to love who loves you in return is difficult. Learning how to deal with conflicts within that relationship can be extremely painful, as well. But it’s entirely different when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) strongly disapprove of the person you are dating. It can make any dating relationship devastating and put strain on your home life.

When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn’t do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don’t want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.

Just because they are your parents and you don’t agree with them doesn’t make them dumb. In fact, the opposite is true. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom you don’t. This can allow them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you’re blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. Many times your parents are right. They have the advantage of perspective or big picture—they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences which could affect the rest of your life. 

The fact of the matter is most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating—they just jump into the relationship. Many parent’s fears are well founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart. 

Carolyn commented she first had to try and figure out why her parents didn’t like her boyfriend. “They said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn’t just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it’s a good idea to take their advice.” 

Therefore, the best thing you can do is to sit down with you parents and calmly, with great respect, 

ask what it is they don’t like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is “What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?” Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about. They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf. 

Ask you parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that’s a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents. You may want a third party to sit in on this discussion between you and your bf/gf and your parents. This will help keep everyone’s emotions in check.

Sometimes parent’s expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but most of the time your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, if they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing. 


Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who wants to make the effort to get along with them. As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to more healthy and positive relationships with you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don’t forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents, and their wise counsel, are forever. 

For next week: Send me your comments and stories about how you can know your bf/gf is cheating on you.