It generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys.
Anytime you get into a relationship, you discover things about the other person that seem to defy understanding—things that appear to be way too confusing. These blogs are designed to take out the confusion and answer the questions you have about the opposite sex. Hopefully the answers will help you to have more ideas, as well as love, for those you are in relationship with. With that in mind, here are this week’s questions...
QUESTION #31) Derick asked: “I cheated on my girlfriend, but want to move past it with her. She doesn’t think she can. What can I do?”
The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done.
DAWSON: Unfortunately, you have dug a deep hole for your relationship, and it’s going to take a lot of work to dig out of it. You have shown your girlfriend (and yourself) that you are an untrustworthy person. And now you’re wondering if it’s possible to ever rebuild trust with her. I believe it is, even though she feels like she’s been too hurt by your actions to ever forgive you. I have found it generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys. Most guys just say to themselves, “I did it. I told her I was sorry. So let’s move on.” It doesn’t work that way with women. She needs a much longer time to heal. Many guys lose patience and walk away from their relationship just about the time his girl is starting to heal.
So what is she feeling? She might be feeling you are not really sorry for what you did. She also might want to make sure you pay the price for your actions—and by her breaking up with you, she’s punishing you. Unfortunately, in this situation, you both lose. The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done. So, how do you do this?
1 - First of all, you need to admit to yourself that you have hurt another person. This means taking full responsibility for your actions, and not just thinking your girlfriend is “blowing things out of proportion.”
2 – Talk to God about this, and ask Him to forgive you for what you’ve done, and ask for courage to say what you need to say to and do for your girlfriend.
3 – Ask for your girlfriend’s forgiveness. You need to clearly explain what you’re sorry for, without making any excuses.
4 – Let her respond to you without getting defensive about what she says. Again, remember she will need time to sort out her feelings.
Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.
After this, the best thing you can do is to show yourself as completely trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into your wrongful, untrustworthy behavior. But, you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened. Just remember, this is going to take a while. Even so, you have a 50-50 chance of your relationship surviving.
QUESTION #32) Leigh asked: “How do I get past the thought that my boyfriend will leave me?”
DAWSON: Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or have been abandoned in the past. It’s natural to want to hold on to things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person. This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There’s a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life, and wanting to possess them. Many people don’t have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing--fear of being alone is another.
We are never given permission to own or control another person.
To get past the fear of your boyfriend leaving, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it’s worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship. Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy. Thank God for everyday you have with your boyfriend. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Please keep sending me the questions you have about the opposite sex. I’m sure there’s something you’ve been wondering about that hasn’t yet been addressed. That’s what I want to hear from you about. Take a second to write me your question in the comment section below. I look forward to hearing from you.