This not an
"every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends (BFs) are honest,
they keep to their promises, and they do not cheat. When it is time for a
dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't
start something with another girl while they are still in a dating
relationship.
Some of you
girls are already thinking — On what
planet do those guys live? I've never
known a guy like that, at least one that I would be attracted to. If that
is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of
guys. If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who
have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your BFs. We'll get that
later (Upcoming post #150. Moving onto
the Right Guy).
And, yes, I know
girlfriends cheat too. Maybe we'll get to that later, but for the next few
blogs, we're going to talk about boyfriends.
Somewhere Between a Caveman & a
Mechanical Engineer
There is lots of
advice floating around in books, blogs, and every-day conversations about why
guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually
discover that guys are really not that complex. The male approach to dating
lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more
like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY
of cheating by whittling it down to three things. This is not intended to be a
complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys
could help you a lot.
BF CHEATING REASON #1: Big Misunderstanding
Dustin wrote: “I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat
goes like this:
1) Guys get stuck with
a clingy girl, figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months.
Really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's
not going to let him go.”
Miss Insecurity
is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying
desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem. You know how
that usually turns out— clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears… When a very
insecure person and very self-confident person begin dating, they almost always
have a different understanding about the relationship. The girl might understand their relationship
as being long-term, high-commitment, and exclusive (that means no other girls
allowed). Her boyfriend may see things very differently. To him it is about
hanging out, having fun, making out, and moving on. The truth is that he is not
into her nearly as much as she is into him. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to
press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to
assume (or in some cases, dream) he
is as committed to her as she is to him. One reason guys cheat is that they have a
different understanding about the relationship. And so, they don't
think fooling around with another girl is cheating at all.
BTW, guys have
to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.
Dustin
wrote (continued): 2) Guys just
want sex from a girl. Girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they
stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love til
they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say
Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing)
and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.
BF CHEATING REASON #2: Relationship for a
Different Reason
Then there are
guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of
promises, using words like, "I love
you," "you're so beautiful…," and "spend our lives
together…." The girlfriend might be
saying the same words, but there is a different. Some girls give a lot and put
up with a lot in order to get what they want most— the relationship.
On the other
hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the
other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but simply
because the relationship is the way to get what they want — usually sex.
Megan
wrote:
“Guys who cheat on their girlfriends are inconsiderate jerks who need to
grow up. If guys cheat, then they are obviously not ready to commit to a
relationship. When guys cheat they usually cheat on a great girl who really
cares about them for some ugly brainless girl who could care less about them.”
It's pretty
simple—she wants a relationship, so much so that she is even tempted to offer
some sex to get is. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to
get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex. Another
reason guys cheat is that the relationship was never their goal—it was the sex.
BF CHEATING REASON #3: They Are Weaklings
BFs who cheat
don't anyways do it with plan. Remember, guys are not that complex. You
probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators. They try
in every way they can to get them to cheat. Some guys just don't have what it
takes to refuse.
A lot of guys
and girls dream about being as different as possible from their parents. So the
last thing on your checklist for a potential BF is his mom and dad. But think
about this: when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of
the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who
grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same
thing. Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about
why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also
cheated. Some BFs give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what
their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those
around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.
Most cheaters are repeat offenders.
The most notorious cheater of late is Tiger Woods. He was married to one of
hottest women on the planet but a big-time cheater with lots of women. BTW,
only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they
cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives. Tiger
claims to have a sexual addiction., and because of that, he just couldn't say
no.
Hum… a sexual addiction? That may be true, but no one starts out with
a sexual addiction. The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It
became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no until
eventually — addicted. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a
good chance he will cheat on you too — even if from the beginning he never
planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely
that it will happen again.
Dustin wrote (again): “Men
are pigs, women are crazy. My life was simplified after l accepted this.”
How does a good
guy and a good BF become a cheater? I don't mean just a one-time slip. I'm
talking about an habitual, intentional, lying, two-timing cheater. Two reasons: either he never gets caught or
he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back. In
other words, he has never had to face consequences that are painful enough to
give him a good enough reason to stop.
THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION. It
is not why guys in general cheat on their
girlfriends but why your boyfriend
cheated on you. In my next blog I
will talk about how to figure that out.
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