Taylor wrote:  “I believe it takes a special kind of person to date someone who is military and it is definitely not easy. Both people have to work extremely hard for it to work. As long as both people want the relationship to work and are loyal with each other, then the relationship can work.”

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one but if you love someone enough then it's NOT hard to be faithful! Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home (MEN and women) are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military! It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

Dawson:  Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Mike:  Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands of Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that's just the A's. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they're not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds – wIll they still have enough common ground?

Dawson:  I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

Mike:  Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what's really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it's difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson:  Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don't know but what they do know – the things they have suddenly come to realize. It's not unusual for some to throw in the comment: “I didn't sign up for this!”

Mike: I've heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier's time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It's not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, “I didn't sign up for this!”

Dawson:  It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

Mike:   It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you're right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could “do their thing” in the military, while the other continues to “do their thing” in the civilian world unaffected. So, in a way – yes; the solider and spouse need sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson:  So, what do see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike:  There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about – college tuition, see the world... that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kind of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson:  The way you describe those benefits “change you,” “serve (something else),” and “be part of (another) family” might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That's what many are afraid of – heading off in different directions.

Mike:  Yes, but is doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.

Next week:  MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 2): Dealing with Deployments

For podcasts by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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