Dawson's Blog

175. Habits: The Reason Behind Your Resolution - Motivation

Dawson — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 06:27:00 GMT

Last week I posed the question to those following me on Facebook and TheHopeLine: Where do you want to go, and what are the key habits that will get you there?

A lot of people talked about losing weight. That seems to be on just about everyone’s New Year’s resolution list. Even if they don’t generally have weight issues, after Thanksgiving and Christmas — who doesn’t’ need to loose a few pounds.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.

One thing that I noticed in some of the comments was that losing weight was only a “means to an end.” In other words, the real goal was something else, and losing weight was what they need to do to get there.

Jamie wrote: my 2011 resolution is for me to join the marines and im gonna lose this weight and then im going to take the entrance exam...then im going to swear in....the only thing standing in my way is the weight i have to lose...

Kendra wrote: My goal is to lose 50 pounds, I have been struggling with my weight for a very LONG TIME. And im sick of being different from everybody else. So for the year of 2011 I wanna lose my weight and feel better about myself inside and out. But i think its going to be hard because all the other times if i wasnt seeing results i would give up. I hope I can finally do it.

So, joining the Marines and feeling better about one’s self — those are the real reason why Jamie and Kendra want to lose weight.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful. Jamie very clearly wants to become a Marine. If we were to press Jamie further (Jamie, feel free to comment here), we would find lots of feelings about why loosing weight is good. It is sure to be a self image boost. But the clear and concrete goal of becoming a Marine is what will motivate Jamie to work at it.

If you want to change an old habit or accomplish a new goal find a clear and concrete reason to succeed, find someone who will join you in the effort, do it for yourself, and don’t become a slave to other people’s approval.

In Kendra's case, improving the way she feels about herself is her main motivation. All of us want to feel better about ourselves for one reason or another. And no doubt, some people have lost weight with that motivation alone, but is chasing those good feelings alone enough to keep her losing weight when some unexpected stress comes?

What Jamie has done, and what Kendra can do as well, is to lock onto a reason for wanting to lose weight that is more concrete than feelings alone.

Without knowing the kind of things that motivate Kendra, it’s hard to suggest a specific concrete reason that will help her focus on accomplishing her weight loss goal. However, whatever your reason, there are a couple of additional things all can do that will help keep us motivated to accomplish our resolution goals.

1. Don’t do it alone.

I wrote about this in last week’s blog. You’ve got to enlist someone to believe in you, be honest with you, and encourage you, and ideally pursue the goal with you. Accountability is a very motivating thing. Even professional athletes pair up to work out together in the off season. They need friends to hold them accountable and so do you and I.

2. Do it for yourself, not for what others think.

Being motivated by what others think or by trying to prove something to others (family, friends, enemies, anyone) can be a very powerful but addictive motivator. It just keeps you hooked on other people’s approval.

Next Week: I want to talk about some attitudes that will definitely change your life and probably already have. So, here the big question: Being optimistic or being depressed, being gracious or being critical — what is your greatest attitude struggle and how has that attitude affected your life?

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174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

Dawson — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 14:30:00 GMT

Have you ever made a New Years Resolution? Lots of people do. Unfortunately, most of them are never accomplished and quickly forgotten.Some people have quit making resolutions because they failed so often.

So why should you bother?

My answer is, because YOU are worth it. The people who have quit reflecting on their bad habits, mistakes and dreams have often given up the hope of bettering themselves or bettering the world around them.

Pat yourself on the back for each success, forgive yourself for each slip, but stick with it.

I care for you too much to let you do that without at least having this conversation. You can’t undo a mistake or avoid the consequences, but you can change a bad habit, learn not to make the same mistakes again or begin to accomplish a big dream.

You won’t accomplish your dreams or change the world overnight, but you can make some progress toward it every day, no matter how small.

So, here are a few tips for how to turn important New Years Resolutions into successful improvements in your life.

1. Don’t be discouraged if you aren't perfect from the start. When you say that you’re going to do something or change something, especially if it is something you’ve never had the habit of doing before, don’t expect perfection. Resolve something doable and don’t be discouraged if you don’t do it perfectly. Pat yourself on the back for each success, forgive yourself for each slip, but stick with it.

2. Take one bite at a time. Do something small today, something small tomorrow, and the next day and the next and the next…It is amazing what you and I can do if we are persistent. The problem, habit or dream you are tackling may be big, but you can make it manageable by dealing with it one day at a time.

Develop a way of keeping your goal in front of you every day.

3. Out of sight; out of mind; out of gas. Resolutions are no good if you don’t keep the idea in front of you. Develop a way of keeping your goal in front of you every day. Put it on your fridge, write it on your hand, sent yourself a text – whatever it takes. The point is that if you don’t keep your resolution in front of you, the pursuit of it will never become a habit. Without habits, dreams never become realities. So find a way to remind yourself every day of where you have determined to go, but also the next step you have to take to get there.

4. Make it simple, clear and compelling. Your Resolution may be small or big, easy or challenging. Both are fine, but the important thing is to make it simple. I suggest you write it down and keep writing it until you get it into one clear statement that fires you up and is easy to remember. Not good at writing? Ask a friend or friends to help you. A Resolution is a mission that you want to accomplish. Make sure your mission is so strong and clear that it makes you believe it and in yourself. This will help you stick with it on the hard days and through the tough times.

5. Two Times, Better than One. If you’re really serious about making (or breaking) a habit, or about achieving a special dream, you need to get someone to team up with you. Someone who will help you break it down, keep it simple, stick with it, encourage you, challenge you, believe in you. It can be a friend, a parent, a coach, a counselor, a pastor. And more than one is even better. The point is, people who are really serious about change, never go it alone. They find that key person or persons to help them.

6. Change Goes Inside Out. A guy named Stephen Covey once wrote a book about habits. The idea behind the book was that most successful people get what they want—not by luck, not by who they know, not by where or to whom they were born, and not by being in the right place at the right time. They do it by developing a few key habits, and those habits, if maintained, all but guarantee a high degree of success.

Next Week: I want to stick with this idea for at least one more week. So here’s my question: Where do you want to go and what are the key habits that are going to get you there? Or what are the bad habits that may keep your from getting there?

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175. Habits: The Reason Behind Your Resolution - Motivation

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173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

Dawson — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 19:54:00 GMT

In the previous blog on How to Give a Gift that Matters, I talked about how materialistically crazy Christmas has become. For many, especially children, the meaning of Christmas is simply how many good presents they get. But as we all know (hopefully), that’s not the real meaning of Christmas.

As we get older, we realize that there’s more to it than presents. Every now and then there will be a movie or news story on television about some truly generous giver. And with that, we are reminded of a better perspective on the holidays; that it is like Jesus said, “More blessed to give than to receive.”

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is giving – right?

Well… no.

Whether your focus is on getting presents or on giving presents — either way, the true meaning of Christmas is not about the presents.

For many, Christmas is either merry or depressing because of how many good presents they are able to give. And for some, because their financial situation makes it very difficult to give, they have come to hate the Christmas holidays — because of all the giving. Whether your focus is on getting presents or on giving presents — either way, the true meaning of Christmas is not about the presents.

So, if the true meaning of Christmas not giving or receiving presents, then what?

Many Facebook and blog commentators wrote that the most difficult part of Christmas for them was a person who was not with them any more.

Amanda wrote: the best part of christmas is being with my family. the worst part is not having my grandfather here anymore. he passed away in august of 2007, 3 weeks before my birthday. he always was the life of every family gathering especially christmas when he dressed up as Santa. every year when he dressed up i always had a picture taken w/ him...i'm only 22 and he's been my everything. it's hard knowing he's not here. he got me santa figurines every year as a present. now i buy one every year to remember him.

Tragedy always helps us recalibrate our sense of values. It shakes us up and brings us back to reality. It reminds us of what is really important.

Those of you who are regular listeners to thehopeline radio program or who follow us on Facebook, know about the recent tragedy in my family; that my son, Fulton, was seriously injured in a car accident and at the time of this blog is still in a coma. There is great uncertainty about what lies ahead if and when he comes out of the coma. I can’t tell you how blessed and encourage I am from the hundreds of prayers, well wishes, and encouraging words.

Christmas is about totally pure, unconditional, irrepressible, inconceivably, awesome, self-denying - TRUE LOVE.

It’s like the old Cat Stephens’ song (way before your time) — “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” With my son, Fulton, lying in a coma at this very moment I have been forced to stare this truth in the face. Yes, I’m just like the rest of you, and especially like those for whom tragedy (or near tragedy) is a reminder to us of what is really important. Christmas is so much more than presents, receiving them or even giving them.

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is about the people in your life that you love.

As much as I feel the importance of loved ones at this moment (and will be reminded of it every Christmas for the rest of my life)… No, that’s not the real meaning of Christmas. There are people all over the world who love their friends and family but who do not celebrate Christmas.

Okay, so what is the real meaning of Christmas?

I’m no Scrooge. Christmas is partly about giving and receiving gifts and it is about celebrating the family and friends in our lives. But the real meaning of Christmas is something even higher, bigger, and infinitely better that all of that. Christmas is about totally pure, unconditional, irrepressible, inconceivably awesome, self-denying — TRUE LOVE.

John was one of twelve disciples of Jesus, and he wrote the book in the Bible known as The Gospel of John. The word “gospel” means good news.

John, Disciple of Jesus, wrote: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

I like what Michelle wrote on our Facebook page. I could easily understand how Christmas could be the worse time of the year for her. But she seems to have put it all together—realizing importance of the people in her life, the real meaning of Christmas, and because of both those things, the true joy of giving.

Michelle wrote: Hardest part of Christmas is losing my mom on December 26th to cancer. Best part of Christmas is celebrating the true reason for the season -- the birth of baby Jesus and the HOPE He brings to all. Another best part of Christmas for me is visiting the cancer center where my mom had treatments and giving a teddy bear to a cancer patient from Build-A- Bear workshop in honor and in memory of my mom. Bittersweet moment but well worth the tears :o)

Merry Christmas to you all! — Dawson

Next Week: With Christmas passed and New Years on the way, people begin thinking about resolutions. What are some of your New Years resolutions? Any suggestions on how to turn those resolutions into reality?

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174. Habits: New Years Resolutions

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172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

Dawson — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:39:00 GMT

Based on some of the comments from Facebook and thehopeline.com, here are several thoughts about gift giving at Christmas.

1. Rich or poor, young or old — Christmas today is about presents.

Carter wrote: The best thing about Christmas is the presents! wooooo!!!!!!! and worst waiting for the presents

Katherine wrote: The most difficult part is knowing that some people don't get to experience the joy that it brings because they think that if they don't have money they can't enjoy the season itself.

Carter is so excited about getting presents that the worst part of the holidays for him is the waiting. I’ll say this for Carter: he is definitely focused. The worst part for Katherine is the thought that there will be no joy for some kids because they won’t have many presents. Those two comments are actually saying the same thing—Christmas is all about getting presents. The more you get, the greater your Christmas. The fewer you get, the sadder your Christmas.

How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

With that idea in play, it is easy to get the feeling that your love for people is going to be measured by how much money you spend on them. And so, thought #2 is not surprising.

2. The most common stress point of the Christmas holidays is the lack of money. One person put it this way: “I am spending money that I do not have, buying stuff for people that they do not need and often do not want. But I’ve got to do it.” Many people feel the same way, but no matter how tight money gets, they just can’t get away from the obligation.

Angela wrote: We recently lost our car n got a ugly 1 to replace it and drinks gas like water. I'm still living with family and I have a kid and a bf and both of our families have money problems. So while I try buy presents I gotta save for a car, support gas, and support necessities in the fams. I got 2 jobs but they're both min wage

Tara wrote: What is the most difficult part of Christmas for me? Not having enough money to get my kids gifts. Had to borrow $ this year=(

Alma wrote: Feeling pressured to buy all ur family members presents, when u dont got money cos u dont got a freakking job!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I love you dawson♥

Thanks for the love, Alma.

No adult relative on this planet is going to turn down a sincere request from a 13-year old to go in together on a gift for her mother.

If you’ve been around grandparents during the holidays, you may have heard them talk about a small little gift they got for Christmas — a toy truck or a sled. And if you have been around your great grandparents, you might hear stories about getting an apple or a piece of candy for Christmas. It was their only present, they tell you, and they were so thrilled to get it. That was definitely the olden days.

How did things get so crazy? A lot of it has to do with living in the most prosperous nation on earth. Yeah, I know—if you don’t have a lot of that prosperity, living in the midst of it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everyone else just wasn’t so prosperous.

A big part of the craziness is also the result of non-stop advertizing. It’s like they grab our kids’ brains and make them think they are destitute without the latest toy or gadget.

What has also contributed to things getting so out of whack is that we have simply passed down the tradition from one generation to the next, each one trying to out-do the last. So, no matter how much great granddad talks about getting that single apple for Christmas, it doesn’t change things. It’s hard to put the materialistic toothpaste back in the tube.

I can really sympathize with parents wanting to give to their kids. Kids don’t yet understand about it being the thought that counts. But they may not be as materialistic as we think either, especially little kids. How many parent have spent a small fortune on presents for their kids to open on Christmas morning, only to watch them spent the rest of the day playing with the boxes? How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

3. It’s not easy to give people what they want.

Ciera wrote: What is the most difficult part for me? Figuring out what to get people, and cooking >.>

Becky wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is giving. not the act of giving. but trying to give ppl what they really want. im 13. really hard to get my mom what she wants when i have a budget of $50 total for presents

GIVING TIP: If you’re short on cash (and most of you are) and want to give a neat gift, try this approach: 1) Find out what a person really wants; 2) go for the better gift, something that is a long-term keeper; and 3) get brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle, parent, etc. to go in together. A better gift from 2-3 people usually trumps several little gifts. It works for kids as well as parents.

Either Way, by asking for the list, you put the burden on them to come up with the idea of a likeable gift at every price range.

Note to Becky: No adult relative on this planet is going to turn down a sincere request from a 13-year old to go in together on a gift for her mother? Don’t have an adult relative handy? Same thing will work with one of your mother’s good friends. You just have to come up with a great gift idea.

Heather wrote: The most difficult part for me, and for some of the other members in my family, is having family members who will actually open up their gifts and say it's not what they wanted. It's hard when every year there is someone who is so blatantly ungrateful and unsatisfied. Kinda takes the Christmas spirit right out of me.

Note to Heather: Unless they are your own kids, I’m not sure you can do anything about the bad attitudes. But try this tip:

GIVING TIP: It is amazing to me how extreme gift giving has become to the Christmas holidays. But at the same time, I am amazed at how few people actually make out a detailed wish list. Everyone to whom you plan to give a gift, simply ask them for a wish list with price ranges from low to high. You might take the go-in-together approach on a more expensive gift, or you can go for one of the smaller gift. IMPORTANT POINT HERE: Either way, by asking for the list, you put the burden on them to come up with the idea of a likeable gift at every price range.

Next week: How about a suggestion for thehopeline.com visitors on how put the real spirit and meaning back into your Christmas?

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173. Holiday Highs and Lows: The Real Meaning of Christmas

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171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

Dawson — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 15:37:00 GMT

People at all ages are living very busy lives these days. It may not be that we do more things than before; it’s just that life happens faster and faster. Can’t explain the physics of that, but I sure feel it. And so, when given the opportunity (or the obligation) to stop everything for a Christmas vacation with your family — some people begin to go a little stir crazy.

Sofie Mehrotra wrote: yes! i do get bored over the holidays! They’re awesome and all, but YES!

Rebecca Xavier wrote: when I get bored I usually try and use my time to make banners/pictures for TheHopeLine.com

(Thanks Rebecca!)

Katie Wilick wrote: Do I get  bored over the holidays? I want to kill my self over that time!!

(Don’t do it Katie. Life will be back to normal in a few days.)

Some people’s trauma during the holidays has to do with missing their every-day friends.

Ashley R James wrote: i will be sitting down or lying in bed in tears because i want to be with my best friend

(Wow! You must have a pretty awesome friend.)

Lots of people wrote that they spend a lot of their Christmas vacation on Facebook or texting friends.

So, let’s see if I’ve imagined a typical picture of the Christmas holiday. Visiting relatives who are either a lot older than you or cousins you don’t know very well, missing your friends, getting bored, and killing time by tweeting, texting, or checking in with FB contacts.

How closely does that describe your experience?

That might be exactly what you want to do, and if so, I guess you won’t be bored. But if you’re looking for something different, here are a few ideas:

But think about doing this: Just post a message saying, “Going offline for awhile,” and then do something totally outside your normal life.

1. Go offline for a while. I know it’s hard to live a normal life knowing that there might be a text msg waiting. But think about doing this: Just post a message saying, “Going offline for awhile,” and then do something totally outside your normal life. Everyone will wonder what in the world you are up to (suspense rises with time, and they eventually begin tweeting each other about what you are doing). Not only will you have something interesting (or outrageous) to talk about when you reappear, you might even be considered cool for doing this. Besides, being hopelessly devoted to your cell phone while visiting relatives can be a little offensive. They don’t get it, and so they take it personally.

If you shut down your cell phone, the boredom factor might escalate quickly. So, you’ve got to find something to do fast. Whether or not you go off-line, here are some ideas about non-typical things to do.

2. Random Acts of Anything: I know a guy who systematically forces randomness into his life. He and his wife go to the movie theater on the first Thursday for each month and buy tickets to the very next show, no matter what it is. Every time he goes on a business trip, he closes his eyes and picks one magazine off the newsstand for every hour of flight time. There are some oddities about this guy, but his is never bored or boring.

Uncharacteristic Entertainment: You can’t beat a good book. Tired of homework or don’t like to read? Check out an audiobook. You can rent audiobooks at Cracker Barrel, check them out of the library, or download from iTunes. And hey, this could not only be fun, but you might be able to use it for a book report later on. Nothing like reading / listening to a thriller to pass the time.

Kendall Burroughs-ray wrote: well i just read books, write stories, or even sometimes listen to music that makes me have so much fun on the holidays.

Don’t like what older relatives are talking about? Don’t enjoy the conversation? Change the subject.

3. Journal Like Crazy. Even though you may not think the story of your life will be a NY Times bestseller, you’ll be really glad one day that you wrote things down. Though you don’t realize it now, you’ll be surprised how many great experiences you’ll forget. So, constructing a 2010 year-in-review is a worthwhile thing to do.

4. De-junk: The holidays are a great time to go through your stuff and get rid the junk. Simplifying and downsizing always make me feel better.

5. Change the Conversation: Don’t like what older relatives are talking about? Don’t enjoy the conversation? Change the subject. Get Uncle Fred alone and ask, “What was the most exciting thing you’ve ever done? What’s the best decision and the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? If you were 18 and had your life to live over again, what would you do?

I can imagine a teenage girl wanting to get away by herself during the holidays. When mom objects, the previously interviewed and now allied Uncle Fred says, “Oh, let her go. She’s probably got more interesting things to do.”

The point is that if you are crafty enough, you can exchange one hour of meaningful conversation with Uncle Fred for a whole afternoon of hanging out with the old folks.

Next Week: Do you have any suggestions about how to give gifts that matter?

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172. Holiday Highs and Lows: How to Give a Gift that Matters

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170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

Dawson — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:38:00 GMT

Christmas holidays can be the best of times or the worst of times. For many, it’s both—a season of great food, family, and gifts mixed with enough stress to push you right over the edge.

Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays tend to magnify both the blessings and the problems in our lives. And so we are reminded of and confronted with all the reality (good and bad) that we tend to forget or try to ignore during the rest of the year. About mid-November the excitement and the anxiety gradually begin to rise.

The holidays are stressful for everyone but especially for those of you whose parents are separated.

Rcpo wrote: The hardest part of my christmas is having my family not being together

Tyler wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is being rushed between my parent's houses. I feel bad about leaving one parent for the other

For those of you who have doing this a few years, you know of issues:

Parents picking up where they left off criticizing the other and trying to recruit you to their side
Parents spending money they don’t have, trying either to work off their guilt or to buy your affection
One parent getting offended because you spent one-half day longer with the other
Opposing families arguing about where you will go and when
Your Christmas plans being determined by some legal document
Anger about what the separation has done to your holidays

Just when you think things can’t get any more complicated, separated parents remarry, and you have to deal with all the steps — stepmother, stepfather, stepbrothers, stepsisters, and even “step-relatives.” I read about one couple in their second year of marriage. Negotiating their holiday plans with their separated and remarried parents became so stressful that they had to see a therapist to cope with the pressure.

We are reminded of and confronted with all the reality (good and bad) that we tend to forget or try to ignore during the rest of the year.

Anna wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas is spending it without my father or any of his family being around. I don't know any of my mother's family so gatherings are extremely awkward. Holidays are just all around extremely lonely and depressing for me; I just don't find happiness in them anymore

The Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons are all about ideal families getting together. And so, during these holidays, kids with separated families can’t avoid feeling some sense of loss.

Stephanie wrote: Probably the most difficult part of Christmas for me is seeing how much things or life in general have changed from one year to the next and how things can never be as they once were

Situations vary based several factors: 1) how well parents have been able to deal with their own issues and how well they have adjusted to the new normal; 2) your age and independence, 3) the distance between parents, and 4) enforceable divorce settlements regarding the holidays.

So, facing (what is for many) the dreaded Christmas holidays, here are a few tips that might help:

1) Get ahead of the competition. Make your Christmas list and encourage parents to go in together. In other words, try to get rid the competition between them. It may sound good at first having parents competing to buy your loyalty or to make up for what the separation had done to your life. But it will eventually backfire on you. The extra stress between separate parents (which will certainly find its way to you) is not worth the extra stuff.

2) Set some boundaries of your own. Typically, parents get together and agree on boundaries they set for their children. The “rules and boundaries thing” for kids with separated parents can get really crazy, especially when it comes to the holidays. Because it can be such an explosive issue, holiday plans are often spelled out by lawyers with great detail in divorce settlements. As you get older, you are going to have more ability to set your own boundaries. Again, it’s good to get out in front of the conflict. Make your travel plans around the mid September and let everyone else work around. Too late for that this year, but make a note.

Don’t give up on the holidays too quickly. Of course, you could get angry and make a pronouncement, “Okay, here’s my boundary: I’m just not coming!” But before you abandon everything and everybody, use boundaries to try to make things work. For instance—“We’re coming, but we’re not going to listen to or participate in conversations that run down the other parent.”

Should your boundaries be deal-breakers? By that I mean saying, “These are the condition, or I’m not coming.” Maybe so, maybe not. You’re going to have to feel that one out yourself. But if you set boundaries, make sure the conditions are considerate of others and not self-centered demands.

3) Get the focus off all your problems. Several listeners and readers commented that the most difficult part of the holidays for them is being aware of people who have far less.

Zack wrote: The difficult part of Christmas for me is knowing that there are less fortunate kids out there that don't get Christmas

Even when family members can find nothing to agree on or no happy thought to share, they can always find someone in greater need—someone you can all feel good about helping.

If you dread the Christmas holidays because they are so materialistic or because they highlights aspects of your family that anger or depress you, try this: Start a new tradition by getting as many in your family as possible involved doing something for someone less fortunate. There are lots of ways to do this. All of you volunteer to serve a meal at a rescue mission. Everyone fill a Christmas shoebox for Samaritan’s Purse. Get involved with Prison Fellowship’s Angel Tree by providing Christmas gifts for the children of prisoners. Find someway to give to those in your community and ask relatives to join you. Even when family members can find nothing to agree on or no happy thought to share, they can always find someone in greater need—someone you can all feel good about helping. It just requires someone to take the lead, and it doesn’t have to be someone from the older generation.

Most opportunities to help others during the holidays are not spur-of-the-moment kind of things. It will take some thinking ahead. Starting a tradition of giving can transform something that has lost a lot of it’s meaning (like Christmas holidays for separated families) and turn it into something that has even greater meaning—something you can feel really good about together.

Here’s a question for next week. Do you get bored over the holidays? What do you do with so much downtime?

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171. Holiday Highs and Lows: Too Much Down Time

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169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

Dawson — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:13:00 GMT

Last weekend Jodie Foster (not the actress), her 12-year old daughter, Kayla, and her two step children stood in the middle of LP field during the second quarter of the Tennessee Titans – Washington Redskins game. They thought they were being honored for a winning essay they had all written together about husband and father, Mark E. Foster – a sergeant in 101st Combat Aviation Brigade. He is on his fifth deployment, the latest being to Afghanistan eight months ago. In that essay Jodie asked the kids about their dad.

The Foster’s daughter, Hunter, said: My dad drove in a snowstorm at 35 mph from Kentucky to Ohio, a nine-hour trip that ended up taking 16, just to spend a few hours with me and hold my hand after my knee surgery. Then he had to leave the next morning to make it back to work on time. If that's not a true sacrifice, I don't know what is.

Kayla, their daughter, said: My dad loved me enough to adopt me. Mom, no one gave me to him, he picked me. I am proud of him for enduring what he does and the sacrifices and choices he has made in life to give us the life we have today.

Son Cody said: I see the honor in his eyes every morning he puts on that uniform, and one day I want my family to look at me the way we look at dad.

The LP Field announcer said something about a surprise. Jodi turned around, and there was Mark with yellow roses in hand, on the sidelines in the middle of a bunch of Titan players. What followed was the whole family crying, running, hugging, and kissing as 69,000 fans cheered wildly, and Trace Atkins’ song, American Solider, boomed over the speakers.

I wish that every homecoming was just like that -- soldier comes home, war is left behind, everything is back to normal, and they all live happily every after. Many times it is exactly like that. Many times it is not.

One soldier came home to a party attended by a house full of family and relatives. His wife later commented, “It was just overwhelming for him—too much too soon.”

They went downtown for a stroll, but the low brick buildings reminded him of some buildings in Iraq. There was a crowd of people and lots of street noise. “That was not a good idea,” she said.

“I had planned the perfect first night back together,” one wife commented, “but it turned out to be rather awkward. It was like making love to a stranger. We should have spent more time reconnecting.”

One day a soldier, back home from a combat deployment, finally said to his frustrated wife who kept telling him to come to dinner, “I can’t. I’m in Iraq.” She had grown more and more frustrated because she didn’t know what that meant. Why doesn’t he just get over it and move on, she thought.

Others talk about nightmares, emotional detachment, fixation on their war experiences, the difficulty of adjusting from a wife running the household all by herself to dad being home, and (to the shock and amazement of a spouse or loved one) the compelling desire to go back.

As great as it is to be back home, sometimes that just starts the process of leaving the war behind. When soldiers are deployed in a war zone, they are always busy, constantly on guard, and completely focused on their mission and responsibilities. When they get home, the place where they can relax and stand down emotionally, that is when all the emotional issues, held back while on deployment, begin to surface.

It can be frustrating to a wife who has always assumed that she could just love him through whatever problems he has. Realizing that alone isn’t going to fix him, she begins to take things personally.

Dealing with combat-related stress takes time, patience, and almost always some counseling. It’s a lot like many other issues that can overwhelm a relationship — the death of a child, the chronically ill family member, or enormous financial stress.

About two or three years after her husband returned from Iraq, Merritt Stephens talked about her experiences to NotAlone.com, one of our ministry partners.

Merritt said: At this point we are in a good place in our relationship, but we have certainly been through our share of ups and downs. When he came back from combat, there were a lot of issues we really struggled with. We even talked about divorce a few times, which was really scary. I felt like I was a strong independent woman, and I could walk away from the relationship if I needed to. But as we talked about deep feelings, we always came back to our commitment to each other and how much we meant to each other. We have shared our lives together, and we really are each other’s best friends. As much as combat and the related issued have been difficult on our relationship, in a way it has brought us closer. We sought counseling together, we’ve each had to work on our own stuff, and we realize that we really love each other from somewhere deep in our souls. It has made us stronger, more committed to each other. We feel now there is nothing we cannot get through.

Sergeant Mark E. Foster who surprised his family at LP Field, is scheduled to return to his unit in Iraq in two weeks.

For military personnel and their families dealing with the combat related stress issues, I recommend that you contact Not Alone through their website at www.NotAlone.com

Next week I will begin a few posts on dealing with issues that come to the surface during the Christmas holidays.

What is the best and most difficult part of Christmas for you? Your Comments?

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170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

Dawson — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 15:24:00 GMT

If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a “much more intense” experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction. Below is just a sampling of comments about loved ones on deployment.

Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.

Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.

HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.

nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.

Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment they can make it through anything.

I've again asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families. Note: I use the term “soldier(s)” referring to personnel in all branches of military service.

Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers, the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're frontline like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little down time, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that down time is focused on getting ready to go again.

Dawson: Perhaps, it's more that just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect ― whether they communicate a lot or a little.

Mike: It's really important for spouses at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military wives helps. One of those things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road, every one is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one guy loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.

Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being “warrior guy” to “relationship guy.” And sometimes he just can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on him or he fears it will be too hard on you. So, he give you small talk about trivial things. If a spouse doesn't understand this, she can take it personally and begin to doubt his feelings, which leads to more awkward conversations... It can snowball on you if you're not careful.

Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?

Mike: Mostly, they are so engaged with what they're doing, they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing he needs to hear is complaining about problems at home. That's like pouring salt into an open wound. He might even begin avoiding the phone calls.

Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?

Mike: Maybe something along these lines: “Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this!”

Dawson: While it's difficult for spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison it's much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home. True?

Mike: No, not true at all. A lot guys have no clue about how difficult it is for wives and girlfriends at home. Part of that is because some of them don't have much emotional intelligence to begin with. So, they're not big on empathy for their loved ones, even when they are home. So, it's not a deployment thing, it just their thing.

Like I said before, some guys have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense ― fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. At times problems at home that are huge to their spouses, seem trivial to them by comparison.

Again, the more spouses and love ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.

Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their own individual battles to fight.

Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.

Dustin wrote: I would like to say that it takes a stronger spouse to have the other spouse in the military.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 3): Coming Home from a Deployment

For podcast by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

Dawson — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 03:14:00 GMT

Taylor wrote: “I believe it takes a special kind of person to date someone who is military and it is definitely not easy. Both people have to work extremely hard for it to work. As long as both people want the relationship to work and are loyal with each other, then the relationship can work.”

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one but if you love someone enough then it's NOT hard to be faithful! Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home (MEN and women) are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military! It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

We get a lot of calls from people in the military. By “people in the military,” I mean soldiers, spouses, parents, and children. I've include all of these because no one goes into the military without some impact on those he/she loves.

I've asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to join me on these next few blog posts. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families.

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands of Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that's just the A's. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they're not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds – wIll they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what's really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it's difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson: Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don't know but what they do know – the things they have suddenly come to realize. It's not unusual for some to throw in the comment: “I didn't sign up for this!”

Mike: I've heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier's time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It's not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, “I didn't sign up for this!”

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you're right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could “do their thing” in the military, while the other continues to “do their thing” in the civilian world unaffected. So, in a way – yes; the solider and spouse need sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike: There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about – college tuition, see the world... that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kind of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe those benefits “change you,” “serve (something else),” and “be part of (another) family” might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That's what many are afraid of – heading off in different directions.

Mike: Yes, but is doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 2): Dealing with Deployments

For podcasts by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

Dawson — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 18:49:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I wanted to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. This part two of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks; thing-four thru thing-six.

#4. Getting Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button. Many people commented about being hurt or disappointed so many times that they now have a hard time simply pressing the reset button and starting over. They began with some idealistic notions about romance but eventually grew very discouraged and cynical about relationships. Some seem to be losing hope.

Michelle wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? never. the right guys always seem to hurt you at some point.. girls are better off waiting til theyre older then dating, and making a living for themselves. i just dont believe there is a good enough guy, anywhere.

Crystal wrote: Life is so complicated. You spend more time trying to figure out where the previous relationship went wrong that you give up hope that you are meant to be with anyone.

Dave wrote: It's been three years now, and I still have trouble trusting women.

SW wrote: Theres no hope for us, relationships will almost always fail, and believe me, i still havent accepted this yet because it still scares me. I HOPE im not right about this.

HARD TRUTH: Many people who have lost a lot money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions. They are said to be “snake-bit.” People who have been through several bad relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don't yet know... that relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about where and how much of your heart and emotions to invest, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get “snake-bit.”

5. Sex and Boredom. It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to talking about forever, to boredom, to break up. Many blog commenters pointed to that last stage as the reason from a lot of cheating.

Jeremy wrote: Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Boredom and things get stale. Guys see it as an excuse to look for something exciting to add that thrill back.

Briana wrote: Why do guys cheat? I think guys get bored easily. They want something new and fresh...And a new girl is new and fresh to them!

HARD TRUTH: There is a thing called the Law of Diminishing Return. Put simply, how far you are willing go physically with your BG/GF gets less and less thrilling. To continue getting that same thrill, you have to go a little farther. But then after you've gone all the way, what else is there to do?

Anonymous wrote: I think guys cheat on there girlfriends because they get tired of kissing, or having sex with the same chick. Especially when they are younger guys.

HARD TRUTH (continued): Sex doesn't keep a BG/GF; it often condemns the relationship to failure. There is deep sense of satisfaction and contentment in old friendships. Because you go way back and have a lot of good history together, you just feel comfortable and relaxed with each other. Nothing special needs to be happening, you just enjoy hanging out together. Relationships based on the thrill of sex or making out are just the opposite. You get bored with each other after a while, there is no place farther to go, and someone begins looking something new to get that thrill again.

6. Standing Alone. There is a lot of pressure on people to be hooked up with a BF/GF. Have you ever known a person with a terribly sad history in dating relationships but at the same time who seems offended that you are not doing the same thing. It's like they take your unwillingness to follow their mistakes as a personal attack. Lot of crazy peer pressure out there!

Sarah wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? ...stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseparable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

HARD TRUTH: Don't follow the crowd! It takes courage to carve out your own path. It takes courage to set your standards high. It takes courage to say NO. It takes courage wait.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

Dawson — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:26:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I want to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. I won't repeat what has already been written. You can read my last four blogs and see everyone comments. Below are three of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks:

1. Too Afraid to End It. A lot of people (guys and girls) commented that guys don't end relationships before moving on because either they don't know how to tell their girlfriend it's over, or they simply wimp out and avoid all uncomfortable conversations. Some even cheat as a means of breaking up.

Melzers wrote: I think guys cheat ... because they want to end their current relationship...

Dustin wrote: ...He (looks for) a way to make her leave him, so He finds someone else who fits those needs and finds a way to let her find out.

Dante wrote: There are guys who cheat because they know its over but they're not willing to end it... In the meantime he goes out and cheats till he gets caught.

HARD TRUTH: Nobody changes the oil in a car they have already decided to trade in. Get the point? If a guy has already decided to move on, preserving and maintaining the current relationship is not a high priority. Sometimes those signs are not hard for a GF to recognize. Often girls are cheated on because after seeing the clear signs that the BF is shopping around, she should have dumped him on the spot. Instead, she hang on until he cheats on her.

sw2 wrote: I read the first blog, and i love what she (Anonymous) said, ? think i just realized why men cheat, well one reason at least, its because it's so hard walking away, and letting go, hurting someone....When i read it, i knew that i had to take that step with the guy I'm dating, let him know it's not personal, but im ready to move on. Im not a cheater, but i've never been so unhappy with someone before and it's hard to walk away, so i've been miserable lately, and now i know how to leave, thank you.

2. Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place. Unfortunately, there were lots of comments by people who were clearly in toxic relationships. They know it, and probably everyone around them knows it too. They have been used and hurt and almost certainly will be used and hurt some more. But they cannot bring themselves to leave. Very sad!

Cristy wrote: i'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, f***** her then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i think i am done but i love him...

Gina wrote: (The) question would be why people stay with someone who cheats over and over again.

HARD TRUTH: The more you love someone, the more power you give them to hurt you. So, no love, then no hurt. But that's not the best solution (although that would have been better than some of the relationship wrecks I have heard about). The hard truth is that you have to save yourself and guard your heart. You have to measure out your emotions according to your age, how much you really know about a person, and your true prospects for a life-time together. Guys or girls who get into relationships and quickly put the gas pedal to the floor emotionally are going to have so many wrecks, their love life might be permanently damaged because...

3. Simple Trust Is Hard to Come by. Several commented about being deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually and yet still have very deep trust issues; trusting their BF/GF about their true feeling, their faithfulness, or even if they are who they seem to be. On a radio program last weekend, Taylor Swift was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships. “It's when you think you know someone,she replied,”then later find out that is not at all who they were.”

Passion wrote: I've been dating this guy for 5 months and i found out he gave his number to another girl, I dont even see him the same as i used to, i look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.

LittleShorty wrote: He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But my problem is that he thinks i am cheating on him... but i am not cheating on him... What i wanna know if he is cheating on me or not...

HARD TRUTH: No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.

So, how do you arrive at trust? How to know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:

a. Start out by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.

b. Look for someone who will talk to you about common interest, as well as personal stuff like like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can't always go on what people says, but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpses of what is really inside that person. What if they don't want to talk about that kind of stuff? It's not a deal breaker, but unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what's really in there.

c. What they do and how they act under pressure. That's when our real selves begin to show.

d. Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are―not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she want to turn you into. Loves you for who you, just as you are, right now.

Next week the last blog post I'll finish talking about the six things I learned from your comments on Why Guys Cheat 4. Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button; 5. Sex and Boredom; and 6. Standing Alone.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

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164. Finding the Right Guy

164. Finding the Right Guy - Revisited

Dawson — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:14:00 GMT

First, a quick review from the last three blog posts:

161. Guys are not that complex and neither are the reasons why some of them cheat on their girlfriends. 1) Either they don't understand or value the relationship the way their girlfriends do, or 2) but their ability to resist temptation has been weakened through friends and bad role models or simply because they have been allowed to get away with it.

162. Beyond asking why guys in general cheat, it is more important to find out why your particular boyfriend cheated on you. Learning from that bad experience has a lot to do with how honestly we answer questions about how and why we got into the relationship to begin with.

163. There are at least a half a dozen bad ways to respond to being cheated on, all of which will reduce you chances of finding the right guy.

Having said all of that, below are a few things to keep in mind that hopefully with help you with your next move forward?

1. The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love not lust, not popularity, not need.

Rebecca wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? Its going to be a guy that respects you for your morals and values, someone that is willing to do anything for you, without going over their own boundaries, which you should respect.

Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else… In other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy, wanty people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.

2. Secure people build secure relationships. The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life. If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from get from other relationships with family, with friends, and with God. If you don't have a supportive family, then you get it from great friends and God. If you don't have supportive family or great friends God is there for you in a very special way.

3. Understand that there is a balance in all good relationships. That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their slave.

The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is down right terrifying for a lot of guys. On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in the own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into foundation of a relationship.

4. The girls who find the best guys are ones who are willing to wait for the right one.

Ashley wrote: It takes time but when u look he will never come but if u stop looking he shows up. I stopped looking and the best guy came into my life. All i can do now is pray that we stay together.

Sarah wrote: same here ashley.. stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseperable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

Here is little paradox. You find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don't keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building the own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship no guy in his right mind would cheat on.

Next blog: A few thoughts on all the comments you have made. Please leave me some more comments this week that I can respond to!

ALSO, here is another blog that I wrote a while back on Finding The Right Guy >>

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

Dawson — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 14:01:00 GMT

A tearful girl and two of her BFFs sitting at a coffee shop—

Girl #1: He cheated on me… I cannot believe it! HE CHEATED ON ME!!!

Girl #2: Well, I can't believe you just figured that out. He's been cheatin' on you for a long time.

Girl #3: You don't need to put up with that. You need to find you guy who appreciates you. I think you and James would be good together. I can set you up.

Girl #2: Well, I think you need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that…

Girl #1: He is the third guy who has cheated on me. I guess all guys are just pigs.

It is always painful when marriages or dating relationships come apart and usually far more painful for one person than the other. But cheating — that makes a painful situation so much worse. It not just a matter of your boyfriend saying that he doesn't want to be with you anymore; cheating is major disrespect. So, what do you if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do:

1. Don’t waste time trying to get even. One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end you just making yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but is sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating but say to yourself, I'm too good for that.

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love. Suicide is the ultimate example of people trying to strike back at others by hurting themselves. When they find me, she says to herself, then he'll be sorry. Unfortunately, that also happens far too often.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: “Take your time moving on also don't just jump into a relationship the minuet your single. Moving on takes time and drowning you sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea... Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months and figure out what you want who you dont want and keep an open mind about relationships and people.”

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!”

3. Don't bear other people's guilt. When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater are totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4. Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: “Well, never rush into a relationship cus then so many thngs go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just trying to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start lookin for a new guy.”

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than then initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and rehearsing the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating. Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters. You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you — forge ahead. But if you are lookin for love with known cheaters, then you're lookin in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF.”

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like a plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance. There are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and the weakness for temptation are turned into rock solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl—not even you. Girls compete for guys, but who they are competing with are other girls. Taming that cheater makes a girl feel better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flatting words about how much better you are that his last girlfriend or all the terrible things she did that made him cheat.

THOSE ARE A FEW THINGS that you should not do. In the next blog post I want to talk about finding the best guy for you — maybe the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. Got any suggestions?

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164. Finding the Right Guy

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

Dawson — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:00:00 GMT

The original question in was Why Do Guys Cheat on their Girlfriends? But you are probably already thinking about the more important question: Why did (or why might) your boyfriend (BF) cheat on you?

When employees leave a company, the common practice is to conduct an exit interview. That is where the Director of Human Resources (HR) meets with the departing employee and questions about them why they are leaving. They talk about their job description, their working environment, and what they really think about their boss. They also want to know what the company could have done better to keep them. The HR director might even try to persuade them to stay or to come back if things don't work out with the new job. The objective for the company is to help them do a better job of recruiting and retaining good employees. If, however, an employee is caught stealing (or cheating), security guards usually escorts them out of the building and the exit interview never happens.

Most dating relationships do not end with constructive exit interviews, especially if it ends by one person cheating on the other. If you did have that kind of meeting, your objective would the same — to learn how to find and keep a better boyfriend (BF). So here is a little mental exercise — an imaginary exit interview with you, your ex-boyfriend, and the human resource director in charge of finding your next BF.

1. Describe how and why your relationship began with this cheating ex-boyfriend. What attracted you most to one another?

2. Were you or was he rebounding from another relationship? How and why did those relationships end?

3. What were you initially looking for in the relationship with the BF who cheated on you? Love, companionship, sex, marriage, popularity, interesting conversations, getting back at your previous ex-boyfriend, getting out of the house, getting back at your parents/guardians, something to do on the weekends?

4. What do you think your ex-boyfriend looking for?

5. Were there outside pressures weighing on you before and during the relationship? Peer pressure to have a boyfriend, pressure from friends, feeling left out of a your group, etc.

6. How deeply did the relationship go beyond physical attraction?

If you answer the imaginary exit interview questions in all honesty then you probably already know why the relationship didn't last. Being completely honest and straightforward (even with ourselves) is not as easy or as common as you might think. People spend as much or more time lying to themselves about their true intentions as they do lying to others. Have you ever listened to someone rant and rave about a person or a situation. And the more you listened, the more you realized that they were completely out of touch with really happened. They were so wound up about being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed that they just could not take an honest look at themselves.

Jen wrote: You know, this is one of those things that is quite difficult to answer, as to be honest, whoever knows why people do the things they do. There are many different opinions on why men and women cheat. To me, there are just way too many reasons as to know what the real "why" is or may be. As for me, I often still find myself wondering what the answers are. I'll admit, relationships confuse me to this very day! Every relationship I have been in, something bad has always happened... In the end, relationships are hard, and cheating occurs for answers I wish I knew. I have yet to figure this out. And I have yet to figure "me" out. Maybe that's the answer? I don't know.

Other people (perhaps, like Jen) seem to be quite sincere but just not have been able to dig down deep enough to pull out the answers. Being able to look at yourself with no-holding-back honesty is a pretty important part of learning from what has happened to you.

Cristy wrote: I'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, ****** her, then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i really trusted him and he doesn't understand.. i think i am done but i love him...

badboyloveshugs wrote: (Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? It is because) he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back.

Just because you were cheated on and just because it hurt really bad, doesn't necessarily mean you are going to learn anything from that experience. How do I know that? Because girls who have been cheated on often go back their cheating BFs, or they find a new BF who does the very same thing. The questions above help you take a long hard look inside. That kind of honest look at yourself is going to make you a wiser, deeper person, and one who is going to attract some great guys.

My next blog breaks down WHAT NOT TO DO AS YOU MOVE ONTO YOUR NEXT BF.

I want to hear from you. Tell me things that you have done badly when moving onto your next boyfriend! Also, tell me what you think is a healthy way to move on.

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

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161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

Dawson — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:31:00 GMT

This not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends (BFs) are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do not cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.

Some of you girls are already thinking — On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that, at least one that I would be attracted to. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys. If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your BFs. We'll get that later (Upcoming post #150. Moving onto the Right Guy).

And, yes, I know girlfriends cheat too. Maybe we'll get to that later, but for the next few blogs, we're going to talk about boyfriends.

Somewhere Between a Caveman & a Mechanical Engineer

There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and every-day conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that guys are really not that complex. The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to three things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.

BF CHEATING REASON #1: Big Misunderstanding

Dustin wrote: “I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this:

1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl, figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. Really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.”

Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem. You know how that usually turns out— clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears… When a very insecure person and very self-confident person begin dating, they almost always have a different understanding about the relationship. The girl might understand their relationship as being long-term, high-commitment, and exclusive (that means no other girls allowed). Her boyfriend may see things very differently. To him it is about hanging out, having fun, making out, and moving on. The truth is that he is not into her nearly as much as she is into him. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him. One reason guys cheat is that they have a different understanding about the relationship. And so, they don't think fooling around with another girl is cheating at all.

BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.

Dustin wrote (continued): 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. Girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love til they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.

BF CHEATING REASON #2: Relationship for a Different Reason

Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like, "I love you," "you're so beautiful…," and "spend our lives together…." The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a different. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most— the relationship.

On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but simply because the relationship is the way to get what they want — usually sex.

Megan wrote: “Guys who cheat on their girlfriends are inconsiderate jerks who need to grow up. If guys cheat, then they are obviously not ready to commit to a relationship. When guys cheat they usually cheat on a great girl who really cares about them for some ugly brainless girl who could care less about them.”

It's pretty simple—she wants a relationship, so much so that she is even tempted to offer some sex to get is. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex. Another reason guys cheat is that the relationship was never their goal—it was the sex.

BF CHEATING REASON #3: They Are Weaklings

BFs who cheat don't anyways do it with plan. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators. They try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.

A lot of guys and girls dream about being as different as possible from their parents. So the last thing on your checklist for a potential BF is his mom and dad. But think about this: when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing. Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated. Some BFs give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.

Most cheaters are repeat offenders. The most notorious cheater of late is Tiger Woods. He was married to one of hottest women on the planet but a big-time cheater with lots of women. BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives. Tiger claims to have a sexual addiction., and because of that, he just couldn't say no.

Hum… a sexual addiction? That may be true, but no one starts out with a sexual addiction. The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no until eventually — addicted. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too — even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.

Dustin wrote (again): “Men are pigs, women are crazy. My life was simplified after l accepted this.”

How does a good guy and a good BF become a cheater? I don't mean just a one-time slip. I'm talking about an habitual, intentional, lying, two-timing cheater. Two reasons: either he never gets caught or he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back. In other words, he has never had to face consequences that are painful enough to give him a good enough reason to stop.

THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION. It is not why guys in general cheat on their girlfriends but why your boyfriend cheated on you. In my next blog I will talk about how to figure that out.

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

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160. Using Your Anger for Good

160. Using Your Anger For Good

Dawson — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:42:00 GMT

This might sound a little foreign to you, but it’s not wrong to feel angry. It does matter, though, how you respond or react to it. You might not realize that you have a choice. You may feel like all you can do is express your anger by hitting, yelling, or throwing something. My last blog talked about ideas for how to deal with your anger—to keep it under control from being a harmful and negative force in your life. But here’s the good news—you can do something else with your anger. You can use it for good—when you approach the situation from the perspective of a problem solver.

Anger comes from a very real place of feeling out of control about a situation or even a relationship. Clarissa wrote: “We get angry when something is wrong, and sometimes we can actually let the aggression motivate us to try to change what's wrong, rather than just blow up at people. I think there are a lot of ways I could be making the anger a motivational tool for change, and let love take care of the rest. I also know in my heart that I have a God who can help me deal with this.”

You are always going to encounter difficult and challenging circumstances and people. Learning how to productively work through problems is going to help you for the rest of your life. Instead of just letting the feelings of anger take over, stop and figure out what is making you so angry. Make a plan for how you can fix the situation and approach it with good intentions. Anger can motivate you to try to get something changed, whether it’s a broken relationship, or even a social injustice.

Anger About A Relationship
Is it that someone ignored you, or made you feel stupid, or did they physically hurt you? Decide if you really care what that person thinks about you. If you don’t care, then just move on. But if you do, you can be the bigger person and seek to make peace with him/her.

You can do something else with your anger—you can use it for good.

Find a safe situation where you can express your anger and frustration in a way that isn’t accusatory, but instead, allows for dialogue with the other person. Sometimes just telling someone how you feel helps tremendously to lessen the anger you’re experiencing. But remember, the goal is to solve the problem, and not just to get something off your chest. Find out what the other person’s perspective is on the situation. A lot of anger stems from common misunderstandings.

Sometimes explaining yourself when you’ve been wronged, in a manner that is (as much as possible) free from emotion, can help you decide whether a relationship is worth salvaging, or if you actually need to leave it behind.

Dealing With Injustice

Many people get angry when they see other people treated wrongly. Expressing your anger with focus and passion can be very inspirational to other people, and will help you stay motivated as you work for your cause.

Sarah wrote: “I got so angry at how some other kids were being treated at my school. I went to the administration, and they made some new rules that helped to protect them.”

Many people, like Sarah, see injustice going on in the world around them. Maybe it’s at your school, or in your home, but it might also be some horrible tragedy you find out about going on around the world. For example, you might want to help by raising awareness about the sex trafficking problem going on in the U.S. and other countries. Maybe poverty and starvation really gets you upset. Focusing your passion and energy toward these horrible situations can be very productive.

Learning how to productively work through problems is going to help you for the rest of your life.

Joseph wrote: “If you are able to turn your anger into passion, you can use it for good.”

It’s not wrong to feel angry or out of control. Taking all that powerful energy and working to find solutions, help, and healing with things you see as being wrong can be very beneficial to your own peace of mind, and the betterment of the world around you. Be the brave and courageous one who decides to stand up and make a positive difference. Let anger work for you, and it will soon affect others in a very positive way.

Next week: Let’s talk about why guys cheat on their girlfriends. Guys, I want to hear from you, as well as the ladies. Your insight, even if anonymous, will be very helpful to me. Please leave me a comment below. Thanks!

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161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

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159. How to Manage Your Anger

159. How to Manage Your Anger

Dawson — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 15:34:00 GMT

I have been talking about anger for the last couple of weeks and have received a huge response to it. That’s because all of us at one time or another come up against anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion—-it can take over your life if you let it—you don’t have to let it control you. Most people who feel angry don’t have any idea how to deal with it.

McKaela commented: “When I finally snap, I just scream and throw things around. It may sound childish but it's my only way to vent without hurting the ones I love.”

Sara wrote: “When I get angry I tend to lash out and drink at home.”

Drizz wrote: “I get angry at almost everything, to the point where I want to hurt someone badly (mainly the person that brought my anger out). In fact, anger is the only real emotion that I feel.”

Identify what makes you angry – and be aware of it before it takes over.

Drizz, McKaela and Sara have each come to the point where anger has become the controlling force in their lives. In the midst of rage, it’s hard to believe you have any choice in the matter.

This is how Monica feels. She said: “I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out—usually on a family member. I yell and hit. I try not to, I honestly do, but rage just beats the fact that I love them. So I lash out.”

Lashing out might seem like the only option. The truth is—you do have the option to not let anger take over. So what is a better way to deal with your anger? How can you stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out?

#1 - Identify what makes you angry – and be aware of it, before it takes over.

Kyle wrote: “I know how easily I get angry and so I can usually tell when things are going to get too bad, so I usually just get out of the situation beforehand.”

Kyle’s on to something here. Here is aware of his own emotions and can turn away before his anger hurts him and those around him.

#2 – Talk it out.

Call up a friend and see how they’re doing. Don’t neglect your own feelings. Make sure you communicate to your best friends your encounter with anger. Talking things out with a friend who cares will really help.

Realize how unproductive it is to stay entirely focused on yourself.

Anna wrote: “When I'm angry it helps when I have a conversation with others and they tell me about their problems and issues, so it calms me down and lets me realize everyone makes mistakes and they too deal with anger everyday.”

#3 - Do something productive.

Don’t just sit around and think about how angry you feel. That usually makes matters worse. Change your environment. Come up with something productive you can do when you feel angry.

I received some awesome ideas of what you do to help control your anger. This list is amazing.

Haley wrote: “When I get mad I clean, sing, or write.”

Logan wrote: “The best thing in my opinion is working out—it’s a good way to channel your anger into something productive.”

Kaley wrote: “I go running, with really loud music.”

Linda wrote: “Riding my horse and caring for my horses keeps me centered and balanced. I am a much better person because of them.”

Sarah wrote: “I take a walk in the woods with my dogs and take pics with my cam—helps me every time.”

Brenda wrote: “I read, listen to music, and journal my feelings out, I trust God's help to get me thru things and handle my emotions better.”

Emily wrote: “I breathe and count to five and use my words instead of my fists. Superior intelligence beats superior strength any day.”

Kaitie wrote: “I write music with lyrics on how I'm feeling at that moment. I also talk to friends or meditate.”

Hanani wrote: “First, I pray about it. Second, I dance. Being a dancer, that's one of the ways I best express myself. Third, I don't dwell on the issue. I do things to help myself calm down so that when I have to think about the issue, I don't blow up anymore.”

Cory wrote: “I love to dance when I’m mad, or listen to music, and most the time when I am mad, I love to write about it, in poems or in a journal.”

These are awesome suggestions.

In my next blog, I’d like to write about how to use your anger for good. Not all anger is bad, especially if you can turn it into something positive. How have you used your anger for the good? Please comment below and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

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160. Using Your Anger for Good

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158. Why Do We Get Angry?

158. Why Do We Get Angry?

Dawson — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 13:50:00 GMT

Do you know someone who struggles with anger? You probably don’t have to look any further than your own mirror. In last week’s blog I wrote about what anger is. If you haven’t read it, you may want to check it out.

So I’m wondering this week, why do we get angry? We get angry based on our reaction to a variety of things—people, circumstances, memories, or personal problems, just to name a few. It can also be a response to a single event, or a reaction to numerous events. What makes you angry? Here are some of your answers…

Shawnee wrote: “What makes me angry? Being ignored.”

Ali wrote: “Fake people and liars.”

Jake wrote: “Trying hard at something and failing.”

Ashley wrote: “I hate it when people criticize me and have no idea what I go through.”

Michael wrote: “Being nice to people, only to have them be mean to me.”

Jane wrote: “Not being able to control my emotions.”

When you feel anger, it’s easy to think you want to lash out to make up for whatever, or whoever, has hurt you. Unfortunately, we all know that anger can get out of control and become destructive, causing a ton of problems. Many learn angry behavior over many years.

When something doesn’t go the way we think it should, we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.

Ana wrote: “I've become an angry person, because I learned it from my mom, who is always getting mad at everything and yelling. However all the anger I get I take it on myself and I start cutting myself. I don't like to show others I'm angry for something they did, because I always think it’s my fault.” Ana, acting out in her anger, is not helping her one bit. Instead of dealing with anger in a positive way, she turns it inward, making matters all the worse. Her anger may be legitimate, but her reaction to it is not.

So why do we get angry?

#1 • We get angry when our expectations are not met. When something doesn’t go the way we think it should, we try to take control over the out of control situation with anger.

Chells wrote: “Usually I don't get angry much…however being accused of things will set me off big time.”

#2 • We also get angry when we feel we’re being threatened. And it may or may not be a real situation. We’ve all seen a person get angry about something that isn’t a real threat at all. For example: the guy at a bar who gets in a fight with another guy because, “He looked at me funny,” when the other guy didn’t even know he was there. People carry a lot of emotional baggage into certain situations, making them feel more threatened than they need to feel.

#3 • Additionally, some angry people carry their resentments and rage around with them at all times, creating an environment that makes other people be more aggressive toward them, just enhancing the whole anger cycle. These are the kinds of people who have a very short fuse, and any number of things will set them off.

You don’t have to let anger control you.

Here are some other reasons why some people get angry. Maybe you’ve experienced some of these:

Grief - losing a loved one.
Rudeness
Tiredness
Hunger
Pain
Withdrawal from drugs or some medications
Some physical conditions, such as PMS
Physical illness
Mental illness
Alcohol, some drugs, alcohol abuse, drug abuse
Injustice
Being teased or bullied
Humiliation
Embarrassment
Deadlines
Traffic jams
Disappointment
Sloppy service
Failure
Infidelity
Burglary
Financial problems
Being told you have a serious illness

The fact is, just about anything can trigger an angry reaction. Monica said, “I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out.”

Remember, even though anger will most likely be a part of the rest of your life, you don’t have to let it control you.

MY NEXT BLOG: How Can I Deal With My Anger? I want to talk about some ways you have successfully manage your anger. What helps you to stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out in anger. Please comment below - I look forward to hearing your secrets.

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159. How to Manage Your Anger

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157. What is Anger?

157. What is Anger?

Dawson — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:39:00 GMT

There’s no escaping the reality of anger. It affects everybody at one time or another. Over the many years I’ve been in talk radio, I’ve become convinced at least half of those who have called me are in some way angry, or have suffered as a result of someone else’s rage. There are literally millions of people whose lives have all but been destroyed because of the monster within, anger.

And yet, there are so many people who don’t recognize how angry they really are, or even how they are expressing it. Much less, how it is affecting every aspect of their lives, including all their relationships.

It’s a deep feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something we think has hurt us.

So what is anger?
Anger is an emotion that can be very powerful and all consuming. It’s a deep feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something we think has hurt us. Anger usually has with it a desire to get even, or hurt back.

Anger can be so powerful that it can even affect us physically. For example, anger increases heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline. Its affect on the body’s nervous system can lead to a weakened heart and stiffer arteries. There’s also potential for liver and kidney damage, as well as high cholesterol. Anger may bring along other issues like depressions or anxiety. Some scientists think that chronic anger may be more dangerous than smoking and obesity as a factor that will contribute to an early death.

Ultimately, anger is a reaction to feeling hurt, weak, vulnerable, or belittled in some way by someone or something. We use anger to help us feel strong and in control, and to help mask our feelings of hurt and weakness. When you see an angry person, you see a hurt person using anger to try and make up for all the pain.

Jenny wrote: “One of the things that makes me angry a lot is not knowing a single thing about my birth father. And how much not having him in my life affected my life growing up and how I am with guys since I have never had a father figure to show me how it is to be loved by a man the right way.”

When you see an angry person, you see a hurt person using anger to try and make up for all the pain.

Jenny is obviously hurt. She feels abandoned by her birth father who she has never met. Not only that, but she has never had a father figure in her life. Jenny’s anger helps her make up the difference between her desire to feel loved and accepted, and her feeling so weak and neglected.

I would like to know what makes you angry the most. And what you do when you get angry. Please tell me by commenting below. You making the list will help you understand more of the deeper reasons you may be angry. When it comes to anger there’s so much to talk about. So let’s talk more about it in my next blog.

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158. Why Do We Get Angry?

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156. How To Start the New School Year Right

156. How To Start the New School Year Right

Dawson — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:28:00 GMT

The new school year always brings with it plenty of new challenges. Especially if you’re starting off at a new school, some of these challenges can be pretty huge and scary.

Shawn wrote the feelings of millions of students: “I don’t really like school to begin with, but the beginning of the year is always the toughest. You don’t know a lot of people, and all the new classes seem really hard at first. It gets better though.”

In a poll we ran on thehopeline.com, we asked what you most want to avoid doing at school this year. More than half of you answered: Slacking Off. Obviously, you recognize it as a potential problem. So what are some ways you can avoid slacking off, and to help make this the best school year ever?

People who skip a lot of classes, end up skipping life.

Make a commitment to reach out to others

It can be extremely stressful worrying if you’ll have any friends, or if you’ll be alone and not able to blend in. This is especially true of students who are enrolling in a new school. Believe it or not, 1 out of every 4 people is new at your school this year. That means there are plenty of people who are facing the same kind of fear and stress that you are.

Stephen said: “One of the hardest things for me is to be alone at school. It can feel like everyone is talking about me, or worse, ignoring me.”

Find these people—they are usually sitting by themselves in the lunchroom, in the library, etc. They are probably just hoping and waiting for someone to talk to them. Reach out to them, find out who they are, and what they like to do, etc. Don’t be afraid of being too aggressive. You will discover your new friends sooner than you think. Taking time to reach out to them will go a long way in making the school year great for that person, as well as yourself.

Get to know your teachers

Let them know what your fears and expectations are for the class. Don’t be another one of those students that just tries to get by. The more involved you get in a class, the easier it will be to stand up to its challenges.

And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Most teachers want you to succeed in their class. Shana wrote: “At first I didn’t want to ask for help. But when I realized the teachers appreciate when we make an extra effort, it makes class so much better.”

The whole point of learning is to develop knowledge about things you don’t know. On top of that, everybody processes information differently. So if you feel like you’re not catching something, or missing some details, it really is quite normal. Your teachers, or even tutors, are there to help you. Don’t wait until too late to get help.

Go to class everyday

People who skip a lot of classes, end up skipping life. When you miss a day, or even a class, it’s easy to fall behind. Nobody likes to feel like they’re behind, or in the dark. The best way to stay with the flow of the class is to be there! If you have to miss a class, make sure you meet with your teachers to find out exactly what you missed and what you can do to catch up.

April said: “I used to think I was cool for skipping class. Then I realized I was just hurting myself. The temporary fun I had only made me feel worse when I was in class.”

By far, the best place to sit in a class is up front. It will be easier to focus there with fewer distractions. It also will show your teacher you are trying, which can lead to him or her taking the time to give you extra help when you need it.

Another thing that helps is to take notes during class – even if your teacher doesn’t require it. This exercise will increase your concentration, and will greatly improve the amount of information you retain. You don’t have to write down everything, but keep track of the main points. Write down questions you have, and then the answers to the questions when you get them.

Do your homework

Homework isn’t meant to be a punishment, it’s meant to help you learn the concepts presented in class. Make sure you find out exactly what the teacher is expecting of you, and work to do the best you can.

Mike said: “I thought only super smart people could be organized. But it’s really simple to just keep track of everything I need to do, in one place. It helps a ton.”

Don’t wait until the last minute to finish your work or study for your exam.

Make time to study every day. This is a great discipline you’ll be grateful for. Set aside a particular time everyday to work on your homework. Without a set schedule, it’s easy to get distracted and pulled away from what has to be done. Don’t wait until the last minute to finish your work or study for your exam. You’ll be stressed out and won’t get as much out of what you’re working on.

Explore and try new things

Use your time in school to explore various interests you might have. Maybe you’ve been trapped in the path of just doing sports, but you’d like to try something in the music department. This is your chance! View this as a great time to test out different activities you’ve always wondered about.

Involve your parents

Keep your parents informed of what happens at school, what your classes are like, what challenges you are facing, etc. Students who have involved parents usually do better than those whose do not. If your parents won’t get involved with you, find an adult who will.

Remember, it’s up to you to decide what kind of school year you’re going to have. This much we do know, having a great education greatly increases your chances of being successful in life. Make the most of it while you can.

My next blog topic: How To Deal With Anger. Do you have anger problems? What makes you angry? How do you deal with it? What help have you found to manage your own personal anger? Please let me know. Your comments will greatly help me as I write. Thank you!

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157. What is Anger?

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155. How to Deal With the Death of a Loved One

155. How To Deal With the Death of a Loved One

Dawson — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 13:36:00 GMT

Have you ever had someone with who was very close to you die? Maybe it was a brother or sister, a parent, a grandparent, or even a close friend. The death of a loved one is very difficult, even though everyone, at some time, will have to go through this painful experience. And the grief usually hits you in a way you least expect it—flooding you with overwhelming feelings you never realized you had. How did losing someone so very special in your life affect you?

Richard wrote: “I lost my first love (Kelly) at age 15. We did everything together. Kelly died on the same road I lived on at the time. That has been 7 or 8 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel lonely and hurt without her. Life isn't the same. As I lay down to sleep at night and close my eyes, I still see her beautiful smile. At times I feel like I can't go on with life. All I think about is being with Kelly.”

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel.

Richard can’t imagine life without Kelly, even though the reality is that she has been gone for quite sometime. It’s obvious Richard is deep in denial. Denial is one of the ways people attempt to deal with the death of someone they love.

This is also what “Rooster” said she did to deal with the death of her uncle. “My uncle passed away on Halloween 2009 and to this day I haven’t accepted the fact that he's gone…he meant the world to me. He was like a father to me, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.”

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel. That’s natural and it may take time to get past those feelings. But be careful, because before you know it, you’ll find yourself defining yourself by your misery. The better choice will be to focus on taking care of yourself, and dealing with your grief in a more healthy and productive way.

What are some healthy ways to deal with your sadness and grief over the death of someone close to you?

1. Find somebody who you trust, and talk with them about how the death is making you feel. Don’t try to carry it all by yourself. Elizabeth wrote: “I've mostly talked it out, etc. It's been nine years since my dad’s passing. It'll never go all the way away.” If you keep your feelings locked up inside you’ll only increase the stress you are under.

2. Look for other people who have experienced similar losses and hear their story. Learn from them about how they have dealt with death and loss. You can learn a lot from others who have had similar experiences; they have already been there and can prepare you for what’s ahead.

3. Try to remember good memories about the person who died. This will help you understand that the one who died did not die in vain—their life had a huge impact on yours. You may also want to think about all the things and people you are grateful for whom you still have. Turning your attention away from the pain, and moving toward other positive thoughts are an important life skill for you to have.

4. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions. It’s normal to cry. It’s actually a really good physical and emotional response to help you cope with your loss. If you haven’t cried, or don’t feel like you can, try expressing your emotions other ways, like through writing, painting, music, or even exercising. There are many healthy ways you can help get your grief out.

Teresa wrote: “We removed life support on our 5yr old daughter and my husband and I felt we made the most loving decision of our lives. Even though it has been 18 years I have good days and bad days, and crying mostly helps.”

5. Find ways to help other people. One of the best ways to get your mind off your grief is by giving away your time to other people. You can find ways to help people with anything they need. Sometimes just giving someone a listening ear is very valuable.

One of the best ways to get your mind off of yourself and your grief is by giving away your time to other people.

The pain you are feeling right now is capable of doing two things: You can let it turn you into a depressed, self-centered person, or you can become a compassionate person, capable of being sympathetic to others going through their own difficult times. I hope you would choose the compassionate route.

Realize, in time, you will feel better. A while back I was introduced to a woman whose son died two months earlier. I began to tell her how terrible I felt about her situation. She looked at me and said, “It is hard, but it is getting better.” I never forgot what she said. On the one hand, she agreed her experience was very difficult. Yet on the other, she was acknowledging that some healing was taking place.

Healing takes time and it cannot be rushed. Yet we can comfort ourselves by knowing, in time, it will get better. And if you let it, it will make you into a deeper, more loving person.

NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC: How To Start the New School Year Right. Let me know what works for you, to help you start the new school year in a productive and meaningful way.

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156. How To Start The New School Year Right

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154. The Worst Party Ever

154. The Worst Party Ever

Dawson — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:00:00 GMT

You thought it’d be fun to go out with your best friend, and hit up a party you heard about. There was supposed to be a lot of really cool people—and you love meeting new people. So you put on your best going-out clothes, and headed out. You get there and everyone seems to be having fun. But after a while, you start to get the feeling that something isn’t quite right. For one thing, you notice people are bringing more and more alcohol to the party. You also notice people are starting to get really drunk or high. You even see people slipping away in couples, or even threesomes, heading to a back bedroom. You know nothing really good happens in the back bedroom. A thought flashes through your mind: drugs, alcohol, and a lot of people=trouble.

What should you do?

Have you ever found yourself at a party you know you shouldn’t be at? What did you do to protect yourself? Or how did you get out of the situation? Was it as easy as just deciding to leave?

Always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.

We took a poll at thehopeline.com and a third of you responded that you “just said no” – another third said you just “left” the party – and then 24% said your friends were what helped you get through the night.

Jenni wrote: “I just don’t go to the parties where I know there will be drugs. And when there are, I get one of my friends to leave with me, and we do something else.”

Trisha agreed with Jenni: “I completely avoid the situation. But if I was there, I know better than to do that stuff. Usually end up leaving.”

Sounds like Jenni and Trisha have a good plan. But it isn’t always that easy for everyone. Some people actually find themselves trapped at an out of control party.

Paul wrote: “I was at party once that was going great. Everyone was having a great time. Sure, there was some drinking, but I didn’t realize the neighbors had called the cops. Everybody ran, and people got trampled over trying to get away. I broke my arm falling over the couch. And my dad had to come get me from the police station. It was a nightmare.”

So many bad things can happen at parties – whether its related to drugs or alcohol, sex, or even just people getting into fights, or disturbing the peace.

What are some signs of a party you need to leave?

If there are a lot of people showing up you don’t know – especially if they are toting six-packs when they come
Rival gang members are there
No adults can be found – this means nothing but trouble
Couples are sneaking off upstairs or downstairs
The party is not well lit
You can’t help but notice weird smells
It’s so loud you know the neighbors are going to call the cops.
If you can imagine people being surprised if they were to hear you were at this party. Remember, if someone sees you at the wrong party, it’s all over town

What are some ways to protect yourself from getting trapped at a destructive party?

Your safety and well-being are more important than your reputation.

Check out who’s going to the party – a little research beforehand may save you a lot of grief later. Follow your instincts. If there’s a concern, just don’t go. Why take a chance?
Devise a plan. Always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.
Don’t go to a party alone – it’s usually best to go with two or three others – just in case one person might want to stay.
Talk with a friend or your parents, and ask if you could call and have them come pick you up if you need to get away.
Take your cell phone with you – to call someone, even 911.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to call your parents or a trusted adult – someone who cares about your safety.
Don’t be afraid to leave the party immediately – walking or running, if need be.
Be aware of your location, which streets are nearby, and what’s a landmark you could head to if you needed to get away.
Don’t worry about what other people think about you if they see you leaving. Some people’s lives have been all but ruined at a bad party.

Remember, your safety and well-being are more important than your reputation. Don’t give in to a bad situation just because you think it might make you more popular – or get people to like you. Learning what your boundaries are—what you will and won’t do—before you get to a party, will be a tremendous help to you in any situation.

Put another way, have fun, but don’t be dumb.

NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC: “How to deal with the death of a loved one.” Have you ever had someone die who you were extremely close with? How did it affect you? What did you do to deal with the pain and grief? I need your help – please comment below and tell me what you do to…

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155. How To Deal With the Death of a Loved One

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153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

Dawson — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Interestingly enough, my last blog was about being fearless and bold in the pursuit of your dreams. But for some guys, their dream is to date the most amazing girl they know…to the point they don’t know when to stop pursuing this dream.

Many girls have a story of a guy who wouldn’t give up in his pursuit of her. In life, persistence often pays off. But when it comes to a guy pursuing a girl, it can be just plain confusing.

Danny wrote: “There’s this girl who I really like. But I have no idea whether she likes me or not. Sometimes she acts like she does, but other times she doesn’t. I’m just confused.”

Most annoying guys are ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her.

So how can a guy know when he’s supposed to stop pursuing a girl? Here are some pretty obvious signs it’s time to move on…

When she obviously avoids you
If you show an interest in her, but she seems to ignore you
When she acts one way around you, and another way around her friends
When she stops responding to your calls/texts/emails
When she asks you to stop
Or tells you you’re coming on too strong
When your friends tell you to move on

Roy wrote: “Everyone I knew early on told us it would never work out, but I stayed with her to prove them wrong. In the end it left me more broken and confused. Had I listened early on I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble and pain.”

When she talks to you about another guy she’s interested in
If she seems bothered, irritated or angry at you
When your self-esteem starts to suffer for it
When you start to think you are going crazy about the whole situation
If you’re wondering if you should stop pursuing her, it’s probably time.

Skye wrote: “People need to use the common sense the good Lord gave them. When something in your head tells you not to do something, don't do it. You'll thank yourself later.”

Most annoying guys are ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her. These guys are usually so strongly attracted to something about this girl, that he thinks he’s in love before he even knows her.

This comes down to an issue of having healthy boundaries. Boundaries are emotional markers that clearly define where one person ends, and the other person begins—the health and happiness of one person is not determined by the other. With healthy boundaries you are free to be yourself, and not feel like your happiness is dependent on what another person thinks about you. This makes you confident and allows you to be comfortable around other people and develop healthy relationships.

So what’s a guy to do if he likes a girl?

Relationships take time to develop. You can’t force your way into someone else’s life. Just seek to be friends with someone. Give yourself time to get to know her. But even more importantly, give her time to get to know you. You deserve someone who is interested in you, as well.

Don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are.

Most girls love to be pursued by a guy, or viewed as someone special. Most of the time they appreciate a guy’s persistence and confidence. But more than anything, a girl wants to be respected and valued. The more respect you can show as you pursue her, the better.

If you stop pursuing her, and give the chase a rest, you might find out the answer you’re looking for. If she’s interested in you, she may try to find out where you’ve been. She might actually become more interested in you, because you’re not trying so hard. But you might also find that she doesn’t care that you’ve stopped pursuing her. That’s a good sign that you were pursuing the wrong girl. It’s probably time to take a break, and hope that you can get to know each other as friends over time.

Be yourself, and be relaxed in your pursuit of your dream girl. Don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are. Keep in mind there are plenty of girls in the world—some of whom will find you attractive and well worth their time.

Next week, I’m going to write about the worst party you’ve ever been to, and what you did about it? How did you protect yourself from all the crazy things going on there. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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154. The Worst Party Ever

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152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

If actually “following your dreams” was simple, everybody would be doing it. But as we all know, it isn’t easy—therefore most people aren’t doing much more than what they think they have to, just to get by. Maybe at one time they tried to take some steps toward their dream, but things didn’t go the way they planned, so they just gave up. But, if you’re committed to pursuing your dreams, it’s important to know, and resist, the most common dream-killers.

The most common dream killers…

It’s up to you whether or not you give up or not.

Laziness – It’s just too much work.

Not having clearly defined goals – I don’t know where to start or how to finish.

Thinking “I can’t” – I’m not good enough. There are so many others better than me.

Listening to other people’s negative talk – Maybe what they say about me and my dream is true.

John wrote: “My dream is to join the SWAT team. Except all the people at school keep telling me I can't do it. It's frustrating when everyone around you tries to stop you from doing what you want to do.”

It’s become too difficult – I can’t stand the failures and rejection along the road to success.

Money – If only I had more money, my dreams would come true.

Andrea wrote: “What was a major roadblock to achieving my dreams? Definitely money. I would love to be a social worker or licensed counselor but by the time I had my bachelors degree I owed over $30,000 in school loans and couldn’t afford to continue. It kinda feels like I will never make it to see these loans paid off and be successful.”

Nobody ever achieved his or her dreams just by wishing. You have to work at it.

Wrong motives – I just want to be loved, rich, and famous.

It’s not your dream – Those around me will finally be happy when I ________.

Unrealistic goals – I’ll never “reach the Sun,” so why even attempt the journey! (Who knows, maybe you’ll reach the moon!)

Deadlines – If my dream doesn’t come true soon, I’m going to quit.

Quitting – I’m done. No dream is dead until you quit.

There are always going to be many opportunities for you to give up. But it’s up to you whether or not you do. Just remember, as long as you are heading in the right direction, you are being successful. It’s going to take a lot of work and persistence. Nobody ever achieved his or her dreams just by wishing. You have to work at it.

Have you heard people say the joy is in the journey? That is absolutely correct. If you’re miserable along the way, only thinking you’ll be happy once you reach your goal, you’re probably going to be miserable once you get there, as well.

And now, the very best tip I can give you to help make your dreams come true:

Find a way to use your dream to help other people. If the dream is only for you, it will be easy to lose motivation and give up. If you can catch a vision for how you will be able to help and encourage other people, you will find it easier to stay on track. If you bring purpose and meaning into every situation, it won’t matter what your occupation is. Wherever you are, and whatever you do can be an opportunity to help bring life to every stranger you meet. And that’s a dream all of us should pursue.

I look forward to hearing your success stories in the coming weeks, months and years. Be fearless and don’t give up! FOLLOW THE DREAM!

Next week, I’m going to write about “When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?” Please tell me what you think. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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I recently heard a song written by Mark Smeby that is an encouragement to anyone pursuing their dream. I thought you might want to download it (for free!). It’s called “Pilgrim Man” and I believe it will encourage you.

Click to download…

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153. When Should A Guy Stop Pursuing A Girl?

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151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

Dawson — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

There’s an old Nike slogan that said, “Life is short, play hard.” They should’ve written, “Life can be small, dream big!” Life is too short to not really live it to its full potential. That’s why you’ll often hear me say to callers on my radio show, “follow the dream.” Life with a dream can be filled with adventure, meaning, and purpose.

Why Figure Out What Your Dream Is?

James wrote: “I’d love to go after my dreams. I just don’t know what they are.” Most people who don’t figure out what they want to do, end up doing what other people tell them to do, or they just settle for what’s safe and comfortable.

You can decide to live differently!

Think about what it is that moves you because it seems to be a right fit for you and you can’t stop thinking about it? If you could push a magic button and have your greatest dreams fulfilled, what would they be?

Following your dream gives your life focus, and the dream can be anything you want it to be. In fact, it could be being a waitress, running a cash register at Wal-Mart, or maybe even being the President of the United States. Whatever it is, if it is meaningful to you, and not harmful to yourself or others, go ahead and pursue it!

How Do You Start?

Ask anybody what is it that they’d really like to do, and most people will have an answer. But, unfortunately, in many cases, it’s something other than what they’re doing. So how can you get started pursuing your dreams? Here’s a simple plan…

Catch a clear vision for where you want to go.

1) Catch a clear vision for where you want to go.

2) Figure out the steps it’s going to take to get there.

3) Set large and small goals along the way to help you track your progress and keep you motivated.

Here’s what Julie says to herself to stay motivated: “I say to myself things like ‘I can’ and ‘I will,’ instead of ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t.’”

Here are some more suggestions to help you on your journey…

Do something little each day. Don’t wait for big blocks of time when you can really dig into something serious. The more frequently you work at your goals, the more energized and encouraged you’ll be.

Paul wrote: “Sometimes I really hate practicing my guitar. I want to be a good guitar player—a really good one. I wish I was just automatically good. The best I can do now is to do what I can and keep working at it. I’m better now than I ever was. The only way that would change would be if I stopped practicing altogether.”

Put deadlines on specific tasks to help you stay motivated to accomplish them. But be prepared to be flexible. Deadlines are important to prevent procrastination, but as you move closer toward your goals, you might have to adjust some of them.

Keep track of your progress in a journal. You will encourage yourself as you look back at the different goals you’ve already accomplished along the way.

Find people who are doing what you want to do and ask them what it took for them to get there. Ask some of these people to help you on your own personal journey.

Don’t look for a simple, quick path. This is a journey you’re deciding to undertake. You’re going to need a lot of help, and a lot of patience. Passion, faith, and persistence are going to be key to seeing your dreams fulfilled!

Be prepared for setbacks. Anyone who has ever gone after their dream has experienced the pain and disappointment of rejection and failure along the way. These setbacks don’t have to stop you from continuing toward your goal. Be prepared to find a different route, if the one you were counting on turns into a dead-end.

Bri wrote: “Whenever I hit a road bump I can choose to be depressed and just give up, or I can take it for what it is, learn from it, and move forward. Knowing that everyone fails sometimes actually helps.” In fact, you haven’t failed until you actually quit trying. So don’t let setbacks destroy your dream, but rather let them motivate you to try even harder.

Your dream isn’t going to happen just because you want it to.

Just remember, your dream isn’t going to happen just because you want it to. I always say, “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” That’s why you need to make going after your dream a priority for your life. Trust me, if you don’t maintain focus on your dream, you’ll be distracted and get busy doing all kinds of other things.

Next week, I’m going to write part two of “How To Follow Your Dreams” including, the things I believe keep people from reaching their dreams, and the very best tip I can give you to make your dreams a reality. Please send me a comment and let me know what has helped you on the journey toward your dreams. How have you overcome the challenges and pressed on? I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

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152. How To Follow Your Dreams – Pt. 2

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150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 07:00:00 GMT

In my last blog, I wrote about how the main reason we get mad at God is because we think He owes us something—usually to give us the things we want, and to protect us from the things we don’t want.

Getting over your anger toward God is really about straightening out what you can expect from Him. If we think God is going to be our genie in a bottle, and make everything good in our lives, we’re going to be mad at Him when something bad happens. Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

Someone wrote: “I was mad at God when my mom died, but I learned that we have to trust in him no matter what. What happens to us or others doesn't change the goodness of God.”

Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

So…what can we expect from God?

His love – He promises His love for us. He loves your heart and is with you in the midst of whatever your circumstances. You can expect His companionship and His comfort.

Life with greater meaning and significance: If we got everything we thought we wanted, we’d be spoiled and selfish. God is a wise father who knows what we need to become the men and women He desires us to be.

What can we do about our anger toward God?

1) Tell him how you feel.

The best thing you can do is tell God what you’re angry about. He wants to hear from you about what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell God honestly where you are at. God knows what’s going on inside of you, but He wants to you be able to come to Him with honesty and openness.

Pray for courage, strength and peace to make it through the day. Betsy wrote: “I find it easiest to leave everything in God's hands and pray that he will care for me and do what’s BEST for me, not what I want, but what is best. It's very hard, and I have trouble with that at times, but that is my overall goal.”

3) Trust that God has a bigger reason beyond what you can see.

So does God have a reason for everything we go through? I believe He does. Ask God for understanding—to see the bigger picture. Over time, you may see more clearly a purpose behind your trials.

God knows what’s going on inside of you.

Jill wrote honestly: “I feel like I have a daily tug of war with God. I know everything happens for a reason, but when you’re lonely, broke, bored, and feel helpless, it is really hard to say, okay God, I know you’re doing this for a reason.”

Betsy echoed Jill’s thoughts: “After many trials I learned that it is best to accept what God has done and believe that it is for my good, whether I like it or not.”

Believing He does have a reason for everything we go through helps us to trust that something bigger is going on here, even more than we can probably understand. But I’m not God, He is. And I’m just going to trust that He knows what’s going on with me.

4) Get involved in other people’s lives.

A lot of our anger and frustration in life comes from thinking about ourselves too much - we think about the way things are and how different they are from how we wish they’d be.

Yevgenia wrote: “One of the best things I have learned while going through this is God won't put you through something unless he knows you will be able to overcome it. Another way I have used these things in a positive way is by using my experiences to help others who are going through similar things in their lives.”

The best way to find joy and peace from the hardships of life is to get involved in other people’s lives. Take an interest in other people and their circumstances. Share in their joy and their pain.

The only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus.

5) Decide to have a relationship with God.

The Bible says the only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus. Jesus was basically God with skin-on and gave us a way to know who He is, His love, and how be in relationship with Him.

Lucas wrote: “Sometimes only God will know why He has allowed a trial and sometimes He will reveal its purpose to us. Sometimes it's because He is preparing us for a greater thing. Sometimes it is to show to us how little we truly love Him, and to allow us to change. Trials give us an opportunity to build our faith in a way nothing else can.”

Next week, I’m going to write about "How to follow the dream". Please send me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you.

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151. How To Follow Your Dreams - Part 1

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149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

Dawson — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 14:27:00 GMT

I’ve got to believe at some point in your life, you’ve raised your fist and shouted out in anger at God. Most of us have done it. Maybe your parent died, or you had a friend get seriously sick, or even killed. Maybe you have cancer, or some kind of handicap. These and other serious issues enter our lives, making it easy to target God for our pain.

Someone described anger this way: “Anger is a human emotional response to situations that are either out of our control or out of our ability to understand, or both.”

Have you ever wondered why we get so angry at God? That’s what I want to talk about, because I can assure you God doesn’t want us walking around with rage towards Him.

What are some of reasons why we get mad at God?

The main reason we get so upset with God is because we think He owes us something. This usually happens in two ways:

The main reason we get mad at God is because we think He owes us something.

1. We don’t get something we want. Have you ever really wanted a relationship with that perfect girl or guy? Or you really wanted that job you knew for certain would be perfect for you? When these things didn’t work out, you no doubt found yourself hurt and disappointed. Our first impulse is almost always to blame God.

Daphne wrote: “When we get mad at God it is really like a 2-year-old throwing a fit because Mommy or Daddy won't let them stick their finger in the light socket. The 2-year-old can only see what he/she wants—the parent sees the bigger picture, and the danger. When we are mad at God we show our immaturity, ignorance, and our shortsightedness.”

2. We get something we DON’T expect. When something bad happens to someone we love, or to us, or someone gets really sick, or even dies we wonder why these things have to happen. We think of God as a big genie in the sky who should only give us good things, and also prevent us from the bad.

I received a comment from someone who said: “Some people wonder why their lives end up being a certain way, and they blame God for it, because if God really cared for them, then He wouldn't let them suffer.”

We think, “If God is so loving, why am I in so much pain?” We think he’s punishing us for no reason—by allowing horrible things to happen to us, or people we love, or even the world.

Both of these situations can make a person feel like God doesn’t care about us. After all the prayers we’ve prayed, God still didn’t heal your brother’s cancer, or get you the job you wanted.

Joe wrote: “I have to admit that I am angry at God. The more I have prayed for help and guidance, the more I get nothing. He is ignoring me. It’s His right to do with me what He will, but I am frustrated because I have done what I think I am supposed to do and yet no response, no help.”

We get angry when we think God owes us something. When in fact, God owes us nothing.

A few other reasons…

• We get angry with God when we don’t know all the facts. It’s so easy to think we know everything, but we can only see a very small part of the picture.

• We get angry at God when we see others claim to know Him, and then act like hypocrites. It’s easy to blame God for the faults of others.

These are just a few reasons why people get angry with God. Of course, there are many more.

How have you dealt with your own personal anger toward God? I’d love to hear from you. Please let me know how you got over being upset with God. Thanks for your input – it will really help my writing.

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150. What To Do When We’re Mad At God – Pt. 2

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148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Self-hate is a dark, black hole in our soul that can be easy to fall into, but difficult to get out of. Last week I wrote about some of the reasons why people hate themselves. This week, I want to give you some things to do when you start to hear yourself say things like, “I hate myself,” “I’m no good,” “I’m so stupid,” or “I’m worthless.” The truth is—you are NONE of those things. But it’s easy to think you are, especially if you have been believing all these negative thoughts about yourself.

So what do you do to climb out of the dark hole in your soul?

1) Decide you want to change - Nobody can make you love you—other than you! It’s your responsibility to rearrange your thinking away from all the negative stuff you’ve been thinking, and think more positive thoughts about yourself. It’s often been said, “If I think better, I will act better. And if I act better, I will feel better.”

Cody wrote: “I’ve found that sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves. And the way we think can hurt worse than any words. And when left with nothing but your own thoughts, and if those thoughts are negative, self hate is born.” It takes a real effort to turn negative self-defeating thoughts into positive life-changing ones. But try it! And if you stick with it, you soon will see you’re feeling better about yourself.

If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today.

2) Figure out what you CAN change and do it! - If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today. Maybe you don’t like your weight…you can start eating properly, and getting exercise—TODAY! Get involved with a sport or a favorite hobby. You’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel to take care of yourself.

Don’t obsess over what you think are your flaws. Work on what you can change, and ask God to help you accept the rest. Create the healthy life you desire (and deserve!) – some people get trapped living miserable lives, not realizing they have the ability to change their situation. Don’t you get stuck in that trap!

3) Build up your self-esteem - Make a list of your 10 best qualities. Can’t think of 10? There are more than you think. But try starting with one. For example, “I am a loyal friend” or “I care about others,” or “I am in touch with how I feel,” or “I have a lot to offer my friends,” or “I am a good listener,” etc. Then add to the list. Find out what your friends and family value about you. You might be surprised to find out what the people who love you see in you! As you begin to dwell on the good things you offer, your confidence will grow. Others will take note of it because you will have made yourself more attractive.

Betsy wrote: “Since I stood up for something, people started to respect me and I was able to find confidence in myself. You can't please everyone, so focus on making yourself proud before you expect anyone else to be proud of you.”

Each day, find something to do that makes you feel proud of yourself. Find out the things you love, try new things, go new places. Make some short-term and long-term goals. Decide that you will never say the words: “I Hate Myself” ever again. Those words are toxic. Why hate yourself? When in reality there is a lot in you worth loving.

4) Use gratitude as a weapon against self-hatred – You will find people who dwell on the positive things in their life, things of which they are grateful, are usually much happier than those who don’t. Negative thoughts, mixed with worry, make a person miserable to live with. So if you are tired of hearing the same old, negative thoughts, make a daily list of the things you are grateful for, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your attitude begins to change.

Rayven wrote: “When I start to hate myself, I think about people that have it worse and can't change it. If I ever want to change something about myself, I think of someone with a disease or disorder they can't help—someone that obviously has it worse than me and then I'm grateful.”

5) Remember God loves you – The most powerful way to overcome self-hate is to focus on God’s love. After all, if God loves you, and He does with all of your faults and hurts, it should make it easier for us to accept ourselves. Let God change what He wants to change, and you’ll feel much better about your life. God made you very unique. And it’s this uniqueness that makes you special.

Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

Angie wrote: “Its very easy to find reasons to believe I am of no value to anyone, or to God. But I am of value because God loves me, even if no one else does.”

As you start believing in yourself more, you’ll have more good days than bad. It’s easy to find the negative, so look for the positive in each situation. And most importantly, keep your faith in God – this will help lead you to the happiness you seek. Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

For my next blog, I’m going to write about what to do when you’re mad at God. Have you ever been mad at God? What happened and how did you feel? Did you find a way to get over your anger toward God? Thanks for sharing your story with me—I look forward to hearing from you.

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149. What To Do When We’re Mad At God

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147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

Dawson — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

It’s so tragic to hear someone say “I hate myself.” But down deep, many people do. It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. Some people, perhaps even you, are locked in their own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.

Have you ever heard someone say they hate themselves? It might seem like they are just crying out for attention. But many times, it’s a very honest evaluation of how miserable someone feels about himself or herself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic.

Caroline described her self-hatred like this: “For a while I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.”

So why do people hate themselves? We took a poll on my website, and asked what reasons you might have had to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by “I didn’t feel loved,” and then “I failed at a relationship.” Each of these could be their own blogs. But for now, let’s examine what I see to be some of the greatest causes of self-hate.

When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.

Life is exhausting - When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It’s easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love.

Betsy wrote: “I hated myself for a while and wished I could just disappear. I felt that I wasn't worth anything and wondered why anyone would want to waste their time on me.”

Sometimes self-hate is nothing more than emotional exhaustion. It’s important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you are rested.

Rejection or Abandonment - Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It’s normal. But it’s difficult. Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you. But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.

Tom wrote: “I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. I imagined all the worst things, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I’d go crazy.”

Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don’t let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden, like Tom did, will give you great joy. He’s right, it’s not worth going crazy over something you really can’t control.

Thinking bad thoughts about yourself – This is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won’t. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Or fat. Or inadequate. It’s like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.

Mona wrote: “I hate who I’ve become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I've come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.”

Why should I hate someone God loves so much?

The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God’s love for me. I ask myself, “Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face?” He’s the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason. There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn’t that incredible? That person…YOU…is worth loving.

Next week I’m going to give you a list of some practical things you can do when you start to hate yourself. What helps you? Send me a comment and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

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148. What To Do When You Hate Yourself – Pt. 2

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146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

Dawson — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

This week, Dawson is taking a break from writing a new blog as he prepares for his next topic: What To Do When You Hate Yourself. If you have a comment or piece of advice about this topic, please leave a comment below.

So I’ve been asked to write a guest blog this week. This is Ike, Dawson’s producer, and I’m going to give you a sneak peak into what goes on behind the scenes in a recording session with Dawson. Each week, usually on Wednesday and Thursday mornings, Dawson records different audio pieces: greetings for HopeLine volunteers, commercials, liners (Dawson voicing the radio station name), produced features (like 180 features), and some pre-recorded portions of the show. I don’t want to give away too much here, but there are certain portions of the show that are pre-recorded to allow Dawson to have a short break. These portions are few and far between, but nonetheless require Dawson to record them ahead of time. About 95% of the show is live with a 10-second delay in case of profanity, etc.

Some of the most enjoyable (and painful) parts of my job are the recording sessions and the bloopers. There is a different side to Dawson that comes out during recording sessions. While Dawson is very serious and dedicated to helping teens and young adults on the air, he is a very funny person off the air. He has a joke or whacky analogy for nearly everything. He actually wanted to be a comedian when he was younger. Sometimes the subject matter of the show can be pretty heavy, so off the air Dawson tries to be light to balance the emotional weight. There are certain calls that hit Dawson harder than others, but due to Dawson’s many years of doing this, he has found a way not to let the issues cripple him emotionally. I have attached a behind the scenes blooper from a recording session a while back with Dawson, Sound Guy Jeremy, and myself. In this clip, for no apparent reason, we all got tickled at the way Dawson tried to introduce the call by replacing the word “start” with “stop” and then chaos ensued. Take a listen!

Another thing Dawson likes to do is break out into song during recording sessions. Many times he’ll remember a song lyric from a million years ago (which he calls a Retro attack) and then ask if Sound Guy Jeremy can find the actual song. This usually derails the session for about 20 minutes since Dawson can’t continue until he hears the song. Check out some audio here of him breaking into song.

Hopefully these clips help you to see another side of him that so many of his staff have the privilege of seeing. There is no question about his sincerity in being there to help, but he’s also a human with real emotions and helping so many through their issues carries its own emotional consequences if he doesn’t process it in a healthy way.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and don’t forget to leave comments for next week’s topic when Dawson will be back with: What To Do When You Hate Yourself

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147. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

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145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

Dawson — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Being a single mother isn’t easy. With all the demands on your time and attention, it’s normal to feel lost and lonely. It’s easy to feel like your life doesn’t matter any longer—because everything is all about your kids. While most parents would admit to feeling that way, not having another parent to share the load with can be downright excruciating.

So, how do you take care of yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed? Here are some tips to help you not only to survive, but also to thrive!

1. Put yourself at the top of your list. You have got to take care of yourself first, before you can fully expect to take care of anyone else. If your child was hurting, you’d show him/her love and attention—show yourself this same kind of attention. Make sure you’re eating well, getting rest, and making time for fun with friends. You’ll find you have more hope and strength to be able to tackle what’s in front of you.

Sharon wrote: “Many single moms put themselves LAST, and then find themselves burned out, stressed out, and frustrated—causing them to be discouraged in their role as a parent...feeling inadequate or out of control.”

It's through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.

2. Develop a support network. It’s really important for you to surround yourself with people who can help you with the difficult challenge of being a single parent. You need to know who the people are that you can count on. Make an actual list of these people, so you can remind yourself you’re not doing this all alone.

3. Refuse to be the “victim.” Instead of asking “why me?” ask yourself what you can learn from your situation. It’s through the hard times that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.

4. Speak respectfully of your child’s other parent. You might have every right to trash talk the other parent of your children. It’s important that your children don’t become your outlet every time you want to vent about their father. Make sure you don’t stain the relationship your children have with their father, regardless of what you think about him.

5. Make time to do simple activities with your kids. It’s easy to get hammered down with all the things you have to do—driving here and there, working, etc. Spending good, quality time doing simple things with your kids will help them to feel like life is going to be ok, in spite of how difficult it might be for you.

Karli wrote: “When I'm feeling stressed or drained me and my daughter will go get our nails done. It's a bonding time for us and helps me unwind since someone else is ‘taking care of’ her!”

Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.

6. Handle your finances with wisdom. You might feel like you’re working as hard as you can just to pay the bills. But there are plenty of ways that you can learn how to save money, get cheap groceries, and even save for the future. Work to educate yourself on how to better handle your money. Ask people you respect for their advice on how to make your money work better for you. You can also ask one of my HopeCoaches to refer you to one of our partners that can help with financial advice.

7. Focus on the positive. This is a great time of growth for you. Don’t forget all the things that are going well in your life. As you demonstrate a positive attitude, in spite of your challenges, your kids will learn how to deal with challenges themselves.

Jean wrote that being a single mom is a long list of losses: “Stay at home status with kids, loss of home kids grew up in, loss of income, loss of unity, kids are split up, loss of a father especially to my most vulnerable child.” It sounds like Jean has a pretty challenging situation—all the more reason for her to work hard to convey a positive attitude to her children rather than a victim mentality.

8. Take it a day at a time. This is the only way you’re going to make it through. If you think about the years ahead and all the challenges you will face, it will certainly be overwhelming. Just focus on today and what needs to happen today.

Rhea added: “I get up earlier than [my son] does in the morning to be sure I have my time with God even if all I have the energy for is to sit and talk with Him. It is one day at a time and within that day it is one hour at a time. Don't worry about childcare six months down the road. Don't worry about whether you will be able to have enough gas to take them wherever they need to go. Just get through the day. That one day.”

It’s very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Hopefully focusing on these tips will help you prioritize your life making you a healthier person and a balanced, well-rounded mom.

For my next blog, I’m going to write on the topic of “What To Do When You Hate Yourself.” Please write a comment and tell me why you feel like you hate yourself and what you do to get through it. I look forward to hearing from you!

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146. Behind the Scenes with Producer Ike: Recording Session 101

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144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

Dawson — Fri, 28 May 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Being a single mom is one of the most demanding and difficult responsibilities one could ever face. No one can fully understand the pressures and challenges that each single mom faces.

In my last blog I spoke of the challenges a single mom faces when it comes to dating—with all its emotionally charged potential and pitfalls. But even a greater challenge is the relationship a single mom has with the father of her children.

How involved should the birth father be?

When should the father of your kids be in their lives at all?

There are so many stories of the birth father who makes promises to come around, be involved, and support…but then never does…

Lari wrote: “It was really important for me to set boundaries with my ex. To have specific times when he could be with the kids, and if he didn’t show up, or was late, I made sure I spent extra time with the kids myself. It got frustrating, but it made me and the kids closer.”

Some single moms struggle with birth fathers who won’t pay child support. What should a single mom do? Sure, there are some legal actions you can take, but many times, there is nothing you can do to get your ex to do what he’s supposed to do, or be where he’s supposed to be. But you can play a part in not allowing your children’s view of their dad to become negative. Don’t complain to your kids about something your ex does wrong. But also, don’t let your ex have any kind of negative influence on your kids. You might think you have to keep him around so you can keep getting his child support. While his court ordered child support is required, you have to keep your kids safe and healthy at all costs. In some cases, it’s better the father never come around at all, rather than break hearts with broken promises.

Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart.

Sharon wrote that many times, children are left wondering how their dad could possibly not want to be a part of their live. “These are the issues the single mom has to help them cope with...why doesn't Daddy come see me? Why won't Daddy come to my school play? Why doesn't Daddy love me? To see the heartache in your child's eyes...to struggle to find the answer that will cause them the least amount of pain...that burden, too, falls upon her shoulders.”

There may come a time when you need to accept that fact that you child’s father is not going to be there for them. Don’t waste your time pining over something that is not going happen. Your number one goal is to protect your child’s heart. No one can break the heart of a child more than his or her father or mother.

Here are a few questions for you to answer about your ex or even a potential boyfriend…

Does he contribute to your strength and peace?
Does he help you to be a better mother?
Is he a distraction?
Does he suck the life out of you?

I would recommend finding a healthy father figure for your children. Maybe it’s a family member, or someone from your church. Your kids need to have someone in their life who is a positive male role model.

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: “What is best for the kids?”

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: “What is best for the kids?” Answering this the best you can will always be the right place to start when you feel confused and overwhelmed by your emotions and circumstances.

It’s very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. In my next blog, I’m going to give you some practical tips how to do that. Please send me a comment with ways you have found to take care of yourself so you are rested, recharged, and more capable of being the best mom you can be.

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145. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 4)

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143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

Dawson — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Last time I wrote about how becoming a single mother meant having your entire life flipped upside-down. You've been handed a challenging combination of emotions and responsibilities, and now you've got to figure out how to manage. It is no doubt overwhelming, and certainly something you can't do on your own.

The question is when is the right time?

Single moms need friendship, long for meaningful companionship, and can easily be frustrated and impatient with not having someone to share the responsibilities. As a single mom it is very likely you will want to date sooner than later. The question is when is the right time?

DATING

Dating is a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. The wrong kind of relationship can suck the life right out of you. The potential is very high for a single mother to become focused on her loneliness and try to find a boyfriend just to fill that loneliness. So she gets caught up in the need for a man or settles for someone unhealthy.

Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way to quickly.

Ashley wrote: "I thought that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy. But what I needed was to focus on being a mother to my kids and working to take care of all the responsibilities of our family. This meant sacrificing a lot for what I thought I needed."

You have to be very cautious about who you date, and even more cautious about when the boyfriend is to come into the life of your children. Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way to quickly. Even the very valid motivation of having a “dad" for their kids again is not good reason to move too fast. Not only is mom hurt when the relationship doesn't last, but so is the child.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated.

Sharon said: "Our children should not meet our 'dating partners' unless they are becoming a serious potential 'marriage partner.' They have already had to let go of the absent parent being an active part of their lives, they should not have to 'let go' again by getting attached to a dating partner with whom the relationship later ends, causing another loss to our child."

Some experts say it's not a good idea to bring your boyfriend around until it looks like you might be getting married. This prevents a lot of heartache and pain, and protects the kids from experiencing a "revolving-door" of different boyfriends in their house.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated. It will only leave her locked in her own emotions without any fresh perspectives. That's why I want to encourage you to use TheHopeLine so you aren't facing these confusing emotions alone. We can help.

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144. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 3)

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142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

Dawson — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Is there room for hope that things will get better? With God’s help, there is always hope.

It’s hard to be a parent. But to be a single parent, is even more challenging. If you are a single parent trust me when I say, you are definitely not alone! There are nearly 14 million single parents in the US, and a vast majority of the load of raising their kids is being carried by the mothers. Many people I talk to on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, are single mothers simply trying to find ways to cope. Trying to find ways to bring in enough money, take care of the responsibilities of a house or apartment, and still allow their children to have the life they long for them to have. It can be overwhelming. That’s why I wanted to address this important issue.

In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own.

So, how does one become a successful single mom? Especially when all you feel is overwhelmed and stressed-out? Is there room for hope that things will get better? With God’s help, there is always hope. Here are some thoughts to help you not only survive, but also to thrive!

1. Realize your life will never be quite the same again. My mama used to say, “People make their choices, and their choices make them.” She used to also say, “When you say yes to one thing, you may be saying no

Nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother.

to something else.” For whatever reason, however it came about, if you are a single mom, you said yes to putting yourself in a situation where you could become a single parent. And becoming a parent changes everything.

Rhea says that she has been a single Mom for two years now. “It is not an easy road. The added responsibility sucks the life out of a person because you're dealing with many issues: dealing with childcare while you're working, the many times you may have to miss work due to sickness of your kids,

Until you reach that place where you realize that your life will never be the same again, both you and your children will suffer.

the instability of support you may receive, making enough money to support yourself and your kids AND find a little extra in there somewhere for a little recreation.”

In being a responsible single mom you are saying, my life is no longer my own. I have to think about my child first before I think about myself. Every decision I make has to be based on how it will affect my child(ren), which includes: who you date, what you do with your free time, your education, your extended family, your living situation, and in fact, every aspect of your life. Nothing will more radically change your day-to-day life than being a single mother. It’s not easy accepting all that responsibility and change. But it’s well worth it. At the end of the day, what’s more important than your children?

Until you reach that place where you realize that your life will never be the same again, both you and your children will suffer. Every single mom has to answer the question: “Outside of my relationship with God, are my priorities focused on my children first?”

Next week, I’m going to talk about issues single mothers face in their relationships with men. For example, how should she deal with the birth father? How much should he be involved in your kid’s life? When is it ok to date again, and who do you decide to date? Please tell me your story of your relationship with men as a single mom.

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143. Help! I’m A Single Mom! (Part 2)

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141. Advice for Graduates

141. Advice for Graduates

Dawson — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

When you graduate, you’re sure to be overwhelmed with heartfelt congratulations, and maybe even fancy little books filled with syrupy platitudes about going after your dreams. While that’s all good, I’d like to offer a few words of real practical advice as you make your way out into the world.

1. Don’t be freaked out if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life.

It’s really impossible to know the future, but you can know what your next step is going to be.

You might be feeling pressure to figure everything out, like some people seem to have done. Like your friend from school who seems to have the path laid out in front of her, without having to worry about a thing. This is very unusual. It’s more common for someone to not have any idea what’s next. A large majority of people change their major in college, or never even use their major once they graduate from college. Plus, people change jobs all the time. You don’t have lock yourself into one thing you think you’re supposed to do the rest of your life. It’s really impossible to know the future, but you can know what your next step is going to be.

Trisha wrote: “As graduation approaches, I get nervous cause I don’t know what I’m going to do. The only thing I know is that I enjoy working with special needs kids, so I’m going to volunteer during the summer and see if I’d like it long-term.”

You can aim for making long-term goals, but make sure you start with the ones in front of you. Eventually, short-term steps will help get you where you want to go.

2. Don’t let outside pressure weigh you down.
After you graduate, you may all kinds of pressure, much of which we put on ourselves. Ash wrote: “For starters, I don’t want to disappoint anyone—shame isn't exactly a pleasant feeling. I don't want to screw things up for my future. That’s the main thing—trying not to screw everything up.”

Don’t let the weight of that pressure prevent you from making any decision at all.

You may even feel like your parents or teachers are pushing you too. Most of the time those closest to you just want what’s best for you. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see when we’re not doing all we can to make the most of our lives. It’s good to get their advice, just don’t let all that advice weigh you down.

3. Be bold and courageous.
When you’re in high school or college you will often find yourself in a cocoon of security because you know who you are and what you’re supposed to do. It’s easy, once you graduate, to be gripped with fear and insecurity about what comes next. This is why you need to be bold and courageous. If you have a dream, follow it. Explore all your options. Yes, you are making choices that will affect the rest of your life. That may feel like a huge responsibility, but don’t let the weight of that pressure prevent you from making any decision at all.

Adam wrote: “Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the choices in front of me. I don’t know what I want to do. I certainly don’t want to pick the wrong thing.”

The worst thing you can do is nothing. Jared wrote: “It’s tempting to want to sit on the couch and watch TV all summer. But in the past, when I was a camp counselor or helped out at my dad’s work, I felt better about myself, like I actually counted for something.”

And remember, it’s the people who find their dream, or their calling for this life, who are the most fulfilled.

4. Be patient with the process.

You get to decide what part you’d like to play in the grand story of life.

This is the most important point of all. Transitions are difficult, but you’ll make it through. You are on a great journey. It’s a very exciting time in your life, even though it’s a time of great change in your life. You may be used to defining yourself as a student, and when that’s over you may struggle to figure out how to define yourself. That’s okay. Tens of thousands of others have gone through the same thing and were able to make the adjustment and end up doing great things with their lives.

Remember, you have the whole world in front of you. You get to decide what part you’d like to play in the grand story of life. God’s great plan for your life will unfold over time, and in a way that you won’t be able to completely control yourself. Do your best, seek God, and trust that He will lead you, if you let Him.

Jesus said something very powerful in Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Next week, I’m going to start a three-part series on issues faced by single mothers.

It’s called, “Help! I’m A Single Mom!”

Do your best, seek God, and trust that He will lead you, if you let Him.

--Are you a single mom?
--What is the best advice you’d like to give someone just beginning the journey of single motherhood?
--How have you dealt with all the demands on your time?
--How do you find time for yourself?

Your story could help thousands of other single mothers.

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142. Help! I’m A Single Mom!

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140. The Dangers of Prom Night

140. The Dangers of Prom Night

Dawson — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 07:00:00 GMT

What could be more exciting than the prom? It’s the big event of the year. It’s a chance for you and your friends to make special plans and go all out, spending a ton of money in hopes of having an awesome time. But lurking just below the surface are some dangers.

Most of these dangers take place after midnight. You’re tired, and your guard is down, and temptation is at an all-time high. It’s easier at these vulnerable times to do things you’ll regret later.

WHAT CAN TURN PROM NIGHT INTO A DISASTER?

Unrealistic Expectations
Some think they own their date for prom night because they’ve spent a ton of money on clothes, food, limo, etc. Along with this can come a certain expectation of receiving a certain amount of physical attention because of it. You don’t have to be this kind of girl or guy.

Talking about expectations for the night with your date, so you are both on the same page, will make a good and memorable night.

Also, some girls have expectations that the prom will be the most romantic, fairytale night ever – which easily makes her more open to compromising her values. It also sets her up for greater disappointment when the night ends up being far from the dream she imagined. This can lead to a broken heart and scars that could last a lifetime. It also can set up the guy to be a failure in her eyes. No guy can ever be the Prince Charming that she has fabricated in her mind.

Alcohol and Drugs
Prom nights throughout history are filled with stories of people who drank too much, got in a car, and never made it home. Others have died because they didn’t realize how much they were drinking, and ended up with alcohol poisoning. Your best bet is to avoid it all together on prom night. Also, you cannot take drugs or drink alcohol and drive, or even ride in a car driven by someone who has. It’s illegal and extremely dangerous. Also, when you drink, you are setting yourself up to make a complete fool of yourself.

Kayley wrote: “My best friend died in a car crash on prom night. She hadn’t been drinking, but the person driving had. They just went off the road.”

Sex
Chances are you are going to be around people who are drinking, and probably too much. These are the kind of people who are going to be more aggressive about doing things sexually that they normally wouldn’t do.

Dawn said: “Most of my friends lost their virginity at the prom....one of them ended up with an STD. Be smart ladies—make sure you understand the consequences. That same person ended up pregnant and gave the STD to her baby during birth.”

WHAT CAN MAKE PROM NIGHT A GOOD EXPERIENCE?

When you drink, you are setting yourself up to make a complete fool of yourself.

Talk beforehand about what’s going to happen
Talking about expectations for the night with your date, so you are both on the same page, will make a good and memorable night. After you talk about this, it will be easier to not let anyone pressure you into going someplace, or doing anything you don’t want to do.

Another way to keep your date’s expectations in check is to offer to pay for your part of the event—half of the ticket price, your portion of the limo, after party expenses, etc.

Make the prom a friend’s event
Some people find the prom to be more fun if they go with a group of friends, rather than making it a serious, overly romantic event filled with expectations. After the dance is over, don’t just go and hang around at someone’s house. This setting is ripe for drinking, drugs, and sex. Think up some group activities you will all enjoy.

David wrote: “For my prom, I went with a whole group of people from my youth group—guys and girls. We wanted to have a good time, but without all the pressures of wondering if we’re gonna hook up with someone or not. It was just good, pure fun. And when no one is drinking, it makes it so much easier, too.”

Stay sober
Staying sober will help you to remember the fun you had that night. What could be worse than getting so drunk you can’t even remember what you did or didn’t do. Your date will be grateful you’re not spending half the night barfing.

What could be worse than getting so drunk you can’t even remember what you did or didn’t do.

Make a pact
Your parents or another adult can be helpful for you as someone you can call to come pick you up if things get dangerous or uncomfortable. Then you’re guaranteed to never be trapped somewhere you don’t want to be. They are available to come pick you up with the promise they won’t make a scene in front of your friends.

Paul wrote: “I used to think that my parents didn’t trust me—that’s why they wanted me to keep checking in with them. Then I realized they actually could help me if I needed it.”

Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Prom should be one of the most memorable nights of your high school career. Your goal should be, “I’m going to the prom to have a good time, but not be haunted with many regrets.” Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Next week, I’m going to write a blog for all the Graduates. Please write and tell me some of the things you’re feeling – what are your fears, and how do you plan on making the adjustments this new transition will bring? I look forward to hearing from you.

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141. Advice for Graduates

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139. Sexting?

139. Sexting?

Dawson — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 15:48:00 GMT

A recent study found that 20% of teenagers have sent or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves. And an incredible 39% have sent or posted sexually suggestive emails or text messages! Most of these are being sent to boyfriends/girlfriends, but others say they are sending these pics & texts to someone they want to hook up with, or maybe even someone they only know online.

Sexting—sending, receiving or forwarding naked or provocative photos by your cell phone—has become incredibly popular in recent years. What do you think about sexting? Why do you think so many people are doing it?

It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person.

Cassie shared her reasons for sexting: “I think us girls do it because we think we have to. It’s a way to get a boy’s attention and show him what we got, and get him to like us more. Looking back, I regret it and wish I didn’t. I think the boys might actually lose respect for you.”

People sext because it’s so easy to do. It also has an element of risk to it. It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. You don’t really know how they’re going to respond to it. Will it turn them on, or off? Will they like you more, or less?

Abigail tells why she sends sext messages: “My compulsion towards sexting is similar to young girls who are promiscuous; I look for male affection in the wrong places. I seek it from boys who only like parts of me instead of all of me. It can easily become an addiction as strong as drugs or alcohol.”

Here are some things to think about before you take the plunge into sexting:

This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are.

1) Nothing you send or post stays private. It might seem harmless enough, just sending a dirty, flirtatious picture of yourself to your bf/gf’s phone. But before you can say, “For Your Eyes Only,” more people have seen you in your underwear than you ever dreamed. Anna said: “If you want every one of your boyfriend’s friends, and maybe more, to see your naked body then go for it. My boyfriend asked me for that and I said no and he respected that. My view is that one day I will go far in life and I don't want ‘sexting’ to be revealed now or ever.”

It might seem fun in the moment, but your flirty pics may be searchable by anyone on the planet for years to come. You can’t control what other people post online, or where they choose to send or post your dirty pictures.

3) Your joking around might be misunderstood. Just because, in your mind, your text or pic is meant to be fun, doesn’t mean the person who gets it will see it that way. Not to mention all the others who may see it as well. This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are. You may end up ruining your own reputation, simply for a few cheap thrills.

4) It’s impossible to be completely anonymous. If you’re sending pics online to a complete stranger, thinking they will never find out who you really are, or where you live, think again. Even though you may be disguising facts about your name, age, location, etc., it’s easy for online predators to find out who and where you are.

Legally, the consequences can be drastic.

5) Legally, the consequences could be drastic. Some states are really cracking down on sexting—declaring that sexting photos of someone who is a minor (even yourself!) is considered a felony. You can even end up getting labeled as a “sex offender.” That label would follow you for the rest of your life.

It may be very tempting to give in to a bf/gf’s request for you to sext them. But, whatever you do, don’t give in to their pressure. Almost half the people who sext, say they do it because of pressure from other people. Amber says this is what happened to her: “I had guys ask me for pictures and I gave in cause they told me they loved me and I believed them.”

You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Jessica finds herself in the same position: “My bf is always asking me for nude pics and I tell him no, and then he wants to break up with me when I don’t…so I give in.” How sad. Jessica was used and emotionally bullied by some guy who doesn’t even love her. It’s not worth it. It will never be worth it. The damage will far outweigh the supposed benefits. So don’t do it. You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Next week I’m going to write about your high school prom. Please tell me your prom story. What happened to you at the prom—good or bad? I look forward to hearing from you.

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140. The Dangers of Prom Night

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138. Are You Being Pressured Into Having Sex?

138. Are You Being Pressured Into Having Sex?

Dawson — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:58:00 GMT

Being pressured to have sex in a dating relationship is more common than most people think. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Though not as many, some guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.

Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.

Many of those who are pressured give in to it…mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they really care about, simply because they won’t have sex. Most people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever needs to be done to keep their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, lose their self-respect—not to mention the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.

Becca has learned this the hard way: “I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren’t even talking anymore. If you’re a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don’t violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life.”

So, what can you do if you’re feeling pressured into having sex by your boyfriend or girlfriend?

If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag.

1. Know where you stand. Most people with strong values and a clear understanding of what they believe are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don’t want to do. Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? If so, why? Do you understand the power of sex to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child? Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why—this will be extremely helpful when you’re pressured to give in.

Juli wrote: “It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in—I wish I hadn't and I won't again.”

2. Talk it out. Explain your desire to not have sex with your bf/gf. Say that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings, or your level of commitment. In fact, you like your bf/gf so much you don’t want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying, and take it personally, or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.

Madison said: “My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him, or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him—which is so far from the truth.”

If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.

3. Learn what real love is. The term love is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, “I love you,” he is really saying, “I don’t love you—I love me and what sexual favors you do for me.” Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else’s deeply held values. Love is patient, and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Loves always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy really loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.

Mandy wrote: “[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that’s why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it’s in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't.” For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it’s over, the empty words she’s heard and being alone again only leaves her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love really is.

Someone once said, “Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get.” A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend…and think that if she really loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn’t know what love is, or he’s lying about loving her. It’s easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.

4. Get rid of him/her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn’t right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship, than to do something you will later regret.

Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship.

Alli wrote: “Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day.” Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.

Heather wrote: “[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that’s why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation.”

Some people won’t go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won’t die, and in the end the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.

Bottom line: You don’t ever have to do anything with your body you don’t want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.

Next week, I’m going to blog about sexting. Why do people do it? And what do you feel are the consequences of it? I look forward to hearing from you.

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139. Sexting?

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137. Why Say No To Suicide?

137. Why Say No To Suicide?

Dawson — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:00:00 GMT

Last week’s blog was pretty intense. I wanted to talk to someone who was just about to kill themself, and what I would want to tell him or her if I was there in person. This week, I want to write how you can face life in a healthy, courageous way.

You can have hope, because God has a purpose for your life.

1. Realize God loves you. He made you and He has a great plan for your life. He never promised life wouldn’t be hard, but He did promise He would be with you in whatever it is you’re going through. It’s never His desire that you kill yourself. Don’t make yourself out to be the judge, jury, the accused, and the executioner….it’s God’s decision when you live and die, not yours.

Mark wrote: “I used to be suicidal, and for the most part it comes right down to having hope and knowing you are loved. Hope is what will give you the strength to make it through until things get better.” You can have hope, because God has a purpose for your life.

2. Look for answers. Why do you feel like you need to kill yourself? What do you think you will accomplish through this? What effect would harming yourself have on those who love you? You will find great benefit to working through these questions, especially with the help of a professional therapist you can talk to in-depth about all that you’re going through.

John suggests finding someone to talk to, whether a good friend, family member or a support group: “Whatever the problem may be, just talking about it, (as our esteemed host has said many times) can be the greatest help we can get. Just knowing that you aren't alone, and that it has, and can be overcome, is a wonderful reassurance. Just discuss your problems with someone you can trust. I guarantee you the results will speak louder than any gun ever will.”

Don’t make yourself out to be the judge, jury, the accused, and the executioner.

3. Remember the best is yet to come. You, no doubt, have a long life ahead of you, full of great experiences and meaningful relationships you can’t even imagine right now. Life is filled with the potential to get better, deeper, richer, and more fulfilling. You may very well find meaningful work, and possibly get married and have children. And maybe even one day become a grandparent! You can begin now writing a really great legacy you’ll leave behind. Write down your thoughts. Write down your hopes for the future and the people you value in life. Read these to remind yourself that life is important. Keep talking to God on a continual basis. Keep track of positive things other people say about you, and the good they see in you.

This is what helped Betsy: “It was hard to believe that someone would care, but I have a special folder in my email which I keep old emails of people who have influenced me and the positive things they said about me. [Knowing] that someone sees something in me helps me see inside myself when things seem hopeless.”

Be the bold, brave one who fights through your pain, and stands up to the challenges of life with grace, confidence and joy.

4. Be a helper. There are people all around you who are struggling, and looking for someone to demonstrate strength and encouragement. In time, you could be that person by being the bold, brave one who fights through your pain, and stands up to the challenges of life with confidence and joy. You can do it! And in the process, you’ll encourage many other people to do the same.

Brianna wrote: “I just want everyone to know that I have been there and life isn’t easy, but death will only make everything more complicated. Everyone has rough patches in life but you just have to push through and soon enough you will come out the other side a new person—and you will feel amazing.”

She is right. Life is definitely worth living. When you feel the early warning signs of depression, and possibly a suicidal episode, realize that you need to treat yourself with utmost care, as opposed to becoming angry or mad at yourself. Fight off those feelings of being negative, and turn to those who will help you lift your spirits.

One day you might need a helping hand, the next day, you can be the hand reaching down to help pick up someone else.

God created you because He wanted you to live a rich and meaningful life. Even though life can seem unbearable at times, with God on your side, there is always reason for hope things will get better. But we can’t do it alone. We all need the help of someone close by to lend us a hand when we need it the most. One day you might need a helping hand, the next day you can be the hand reaching down to help pick up someone else.

Either way, let us not rob ourselves of tomorrow, when tomorrow could be the greatest time of our life. Live today and give tomorrow a chance. If you do that everyday, you will live a life of love, hope, and courage. Anyone can quit on life, but life was never designed to be quit on. So don’t give up, no matter what! Don’t give up!

Next week, I’m going to write about what to do if you boyfriend or girlfriend is pressuring you to have sex. Please write and tell me your story. What has worked for you? I look forward to hearing from you.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact my HopeLine at
1-800-394-4673 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

Dawson — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:00:00 GMT

I’m going to complete this series with the most important blog you might ever read. It might just save your life. What do you do when you are close to committing suicide? Every person who has ever killed themselves has stood on that cliff, and then made the wrong, devastating choice. At that moment of fear, despair, and chaos, they did not have a plan to save themselves from themselves. My prayer is that you will never get yourself in that predicament. But if you do, what I have to say could save you.

When you are feeling suicidal, my hope is that you’d come back and read this blog. Maybe you could print it out and put it someplace you’ll remember, and read it when you’re at your lowest.

When you have lost hope and are about to make a horrible mistake, remember…

1. Call your Contract For Life partner. A Contract For Life partner is someone you have made a commitment to. That commitment says,

“I promise that if I have serious thoughts of killing myself, I will talk with you or with someone else I trust before I do anything destructive.”

Every person who is even remotely thinking of suicide, should have a Contract For Life partner.

Keely said she has an older friend she calls when she feels suicidal thoughts coming on:“I told her everything. And I told her that I need her help. Sometimes I just call to hear her voice to know I’m not alone. Other times, I ask if we can get together. She doesn’t grill me, she’s just there for me.”

The sooner you can get with that Contract For Life partner face to face, your chances for survival greatly increase. A Contract For Life partner is priceless. If you do not have one, make it a priority to go looking for one today. Someone who is deeply suicidal and alone is with one of the most dangerous people they’ll ever be with—themself.

It is in time that we begin to think far more clearly.

2. Remove whatever can harm you at that very moment. If there are guns, knives, and pills in your house, then RUN from your house. Get in your car and drive away from anything you can use to hurt yourself. This will buy you time to settle down and begin to think rationally. Some people are most suicidal when they are drunk. Have someone you know and trust clear all those things out of your house and vehicle. Remember, when you are suicidal, time is your friend. It is in time that we begin to think far more clearly.

Wendalin said she was suicidal for over three years but was helped by knowing she wasn’t alone: “I had a friend who was there for me no matter what. I tried to push this friend away so many times, she took away the knifes and scissors I'd cut with, my Dad's diving knife, my grandpa's gun, and the hose and rope so I couldn't hang myself. Even though I was so mad at her for it, I knew she cared and that she really did love me.”

3. Realize you will die if you believe the lie. The lie is that suicide will solve all your problems. This is one of the greatest lies of all. It implies there is no other way out of your predicament than to end your life. Suicide is a lie that makes cowards out of whom God wanted to turn into courageous heroes.

Suicide is a lie that makes cowards out of whom God wanted to turn into courageous heroes.

You may be feeling extremely overwhelmed right now. It probably feels like the pain is never going to go away. Remember: the pain is temporary, but suicide is forever. We can never escape all of life’s difficult challenges. In one form or another they will always be there. But if you courageously take that first step away from suicide, and find healthy ways to deal with these challenges, you will be stronger and more able to deal with challenges you will face in the future. At your darkest hour, turn away from the lie and turn toward those who will tell you the truth.

Glory wrote: “I tried a couple times but it never really worked. Then one night I realized something: If you can't change it, get over it. There are much better things to do in life then sit around hating life. God gave us life so we should use it. Killing yourself is only running away from your problems. It won't help one bit.”

4. Turn to other activities. The key here is to get your mind off of doing the unthinkable. If you are near suicide, you want to change the subject, or divert your mind from what you were planning to do. Walk, jog, bike, swim, take a nap, take a hot shower, watch a movie, listen to music, read a book, do household chores, clean, go shopping, go to the park, etc. Anything to change the subject.

If you are near suicide, you want to change the subject, or divert your mind from what you were planning to do.

Kelsey discovered this worked for her: “I actually went and got a knife to kill myself and I just stopped and…I was thinking this really isn’t solving my problems is it? So I just decided to try to get into something like hip-hop classes, get my mind off my life, and just try to live life to the fullest.”

What I have shared with you today is only the beginning of what to do if you are extremely suicidal. Next week, we’ll talk further about how to face life in a healthy, courageous way.

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137. Why Say No To Suicide?

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135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

Dawson — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:00:00 GMT

If you know someone who has thought about committing suicide, you realize how hard it is to know what to say or do about it. Are they just joking? Do they just want attention? Or is something serious going on? The truth is, most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but people around them are either unaware of the significance of those warnings or don’t know how to respond to them.

Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions.

Kendra said she has thought about killing herself many times: “If I don't have anyone to talk to once in a while, to get my feelings out, I get really sad, because I feel like no one cares about me. I think about what would people think if I was dead, or would they be happier without me?”

I’d hate to think Kendra, or someone like her, would kill herself because she feels no one ever showed her they cared. Perhaps you have a friend like Kendra who has said some things to you that sounded like she or he might be deeply depressed, or even suicidal. It’s very important to recognize those signs.

Here are some of the signs to watch for. A suicidal person may:
- Talk about suicide, death, and/or having no reason to live
- Withdraw from friends or social activities
- Experience drastic changes in behavior
- Lose interest in hobbies, work, school, etc.
- Give away prized possessions
- Lose interest in their personal appearance
- Express a deep sense of hopelessness
- Increase in drug or alcohol use
- A deep sense of serenity, or being at peace
- Complain about being a bad person or feeling rotten inside

They even may be so desperate they might say something like...
- If I killed myself, then people would be sorry
- If I wasn’t around no one would miss me
- All of my problems will end soon
- I won’t be a problem for you much longer
- Nothing matters; it’s no use
- I won’t see you again

So what can you do to help someone who is threatening suicide?
- Get involved. Be available. Show interest and support
- Don’t be afraid to talk with them about suicide. Talking about it does not make it worse, but better. Be direct. Talk openly and freely about suicide
- Ask if he/she is thinking about suicide
- Ask if they have a plan. If so, take them seriously and move quickly to get help. Remove anything that would help them carry out their plan – guns, drugs, alcohol, knives, etc.
- Don’t bait the suicidal. Don’t say, “I think you’re just bluffing. I don’t believe you.”
- Be willing to listen. Be non-judgmental. Don’t lecture
- Don’t ask “why.” This encourages defensiveness
- Don’t act shocked
- Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Get support
- Offer hope that alternatives are available

Nicole said her sister saved her when she felt suicidal: “Because of her, I am still here. If you know anyone who you may think have depression or suicidal thoughts ask him or her if everything is okay and comfort them.”

Make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously.

Reassure your friend that you love them. That’s what happened when Heather was feeling suicidal: “I told [my friend] what was going on and he just kept telling me that he cared—that it wasn’t the right thing for me, that I had so much more to do with my life. But the thing that helped me was that he said he loved me. I had felt so alone and no one had told me that in awhile not even my mom.” Remind your friend that no matter how awful his/her problems seem, they can be worked out, and you are willing to help.

Get involved. Be available. Show

Please make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously. Of all the people who have committed suicide, 80% have given some kind of warning. A person who you feel is “high risk” for suicide should never be left alone, if even for a moment. Keep talking to that person, and stay with him or her. Don’t feel like you have to handle this on your own. Get help from individuals or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love.

Most times a suicidal person needs someone close to them to be a voice of hope. Amberly agrees: “Sometimes all you need is to be loved and know someone is there to catch you when you are about to fall.” You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love. Your efforts might just save someone’s life. But in the end, you can only do your best. If your friend should commit suicide, it is never your fault. Each person is responsible for their own actions. Remember, 20% of all suicides cannot be prevented, no matter what. So don’t drown in a sea of guilt if someone you know kills themself.

Next week, I’m going to end this series on suicide by writing about what to do if you feel suicidal. What can you do to help save your own life? I look forward to reading your comments.

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136. What To Do When You Feel Suicidal

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134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

Dawson — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

The consequences of suicide are not just that one person is dead, it’s a tragedy of epic proportions for the people left behind.

If you’ve ever known someone who has committed suicide, you know there’s absolutely no question suicide is a horrific tragedy. Suicide is a horribly wrong answer to whatever problems we face. A person’s pain is very real and understandable—but there are healthy ways to deal with it. Suicide is not one of them. In fact, it’s painful to say but true, suicide may be the most selfish act a person could ever do. The consequences of suicide are not only that one person is dead, it’s a tragedy of epic proportions for the people left behind that goes on for many, many years.

Many suicide attempts are brought on by interpersonal conflicts, and are used to impact others. It’s like someone is saying:
“You hurt me, now I’ll hurt you.”
“I will make you pay for what you have done to me.”
“They don’t love me now, but they’ll think of me when I’m dead…”
“Maybe you’ll learn a lesson, or feel guilty the rest of your life for how you treated me.”

Rather than courageously working through relationship problems, the suicidal takes the easy way out by inflicting as much pain on others as possible. There’s no question suicide inflicts enormous pain on others.

It’s this willful, hurting of others that makes suicide one of the most selfish acts a person can do.

It’s this willful, hurting of others that makes suicide one of the most selfish acts a person can do. Tabi wrote: “My dad committed suicide when I was 16. I am now 21 and still am haunted by questions like ‘Why?’ and ‘How could he do this? Didn't he care about my family and me?’ I yearn to know the thoughts that went through his head when he was thinking about and finally made that choice. Knowing the suffering that suicide causes first hand to both friends and family has even saved me when I was seriously considering suicide.”

If every person who committed suicide could have just stopped and thought about the enormous pain their actions will cause, perhaps there would be far fewer self-inflicted deaths. Anna has felt suicidal for several years: “What woke me up was my friend who committed suicide. My sister told me that the pain I had from my friend’s [suicide] would be the pain that all my family and friends would feel. So it was kind of a guilt trip, but it saved my life.”

People left behind after a suicide will wonder what they could’ve done differently—living with those questions of shame and guilt the rest of their lives. An anonymous blogger wrote about how thinking of his little brother saved his life: “How would it sound to say he never knew his big brother because he killed himself? So I lived and I am happy for it now because I can look back and say that I'm a survivor of a hugely difficult time that almost claimed my life!”

God loves you and there are others who will love you if you reach out.

There are many reasons why a person should not kill themselves. I have dealt with just one of those reasons. A person who commits suicide thinks he or she may be hurting just one person, and if that person has hurt them, it’s worth it to get revenge. They fail to understand they don’t just hurt one person, but many, many others. It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it.

Cheyenne wrote: “Life may not seem worth living to you because you are having problems but I'm here to say it will not only affect you but your family and friends too. You have to stop and think of yourself first, but them second—no matter what. I'm so thankful I'm still alive today!”

People you leave behind will wonder what they could’ve done differently.

No matter what you are facing today, suicide is an option. But it’s the worst option of them all. So turn to those who will help you before you enter into the tragic goodbye. Just remember, God loves you and there are others who will love you if you reach out. So that one day, you will be able to say, “I stared at self-inflicted death, and courageously turned away. And I’m so glad I did.”

Next week, I’m going to write about some signs that your friend might be suicidal, and how you can help them. I’d love to hear from you about how you helped a friend, or how a friend has helped you when you felt suicidal.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact my HopeLine at 1-800-394-4673 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

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135. How To Help A Suicidal Friend

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133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

Dawson — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

It’s hard to believe that after over 130 blogs we are now talking about suicide. Suicide is never easy to discuss, but talking about it may save some lives. So if because of these blogs, one person is saved from suicide, it will be well worth it—especially if that person is you.

I’m amazed at the many powerful and wise comments I have received from you about suicide. Last week, I asked you to tell me why you think people contemplate suicide and you had some amazing insights. It’s clear that it’s usually not just one thing that compels someone to feel suicidal. You said it’s a combination of a lot of things, including:

pain
loneliness
rejection
abuse
deep sadness
guilt
depression
helplessness

More than anything, I believe people who commit suicide feel hopeless. They are hurting so badly and want the pain to end, but they can’t imagine it ever going away. They can’t see the light at the end of a very dark, lonely tunnel. Have you ever felt this way?

When a person’s thoughts get so negative, about their circumstances or even about themselves, they can’t find a reason to live. They think their problems are unsolvable and they feel completely out of control. I believe first and foremost, hopelessness is a serious spiritual problem rooted in lies and incorrect logic. Anytime you believe lies about yourself, you’re listening to the wrong voices.

People who commit suicide think their problems are unsolvable and they feel completely out of control

Jennifer said suicide has been a daily struggle for the past nine years due to being sexually abused. “I feel like suicide is the only option I have left, the only chance at peace I'll ever have. It's as if something will always be missing and life will never be quite right.” There’s no denying that the pain of sexual abuse is tremendous. But the abuse is not Jennifer’s fault. She’s the victim, but she doesn’t have to take the punishment that is due to her abuser. Additionally, the world is filled with thousands of people who have survived and overcame abuse they have suffered. Jennifer, you can be one of them!

Have you ever gone through something so painful you were convinced the pain was never going to go away? Many people who contemplate suicide say something like:“I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to go away.” They think, “Because I’m in intense pain today, I will always be in pain.” It’s this incorrect logic that leads many people down the horrific path of suicide. As long as you have a breath, there is always room for hope.

As long as you have a breath, there is always room for hope.

For a person who wants to commit suicide, the fear of the unknown in death is less than the fear of living with pain for the rest of their lives. Suicide seems to be the ultimate escape—the ultimate pain-reliever. But as someone said once, “Suicide is too much medicine for the sickness.”

Bob wrote: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My temporary problems never seem to end, but one day they might, or I might learn to handle them, and that's what I put my hope in.”

The truth is: Pain is temporary. Suicide is forever.

Kas wrote: “I think about suicide pretty much every second of the day. It seems like it's my only choice anymore. I know it's not the answer, but at times I just feel like I can't move on with this life anymore.”

You are worth so much more than just being a quitter.

When you start to think suicide is the only option, you are incorrect. That’s convoluted thinking, which also gets magnified if you’re using alcohol or drugs. Some people try to escape their pain by cutting, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, etc. In the end, these all fail—they never address the actual root of the pain, they only temporarily cover it up.

But by far, suicide is the greatest failure. When you kill yourself, you never give yourself the opportunity to grow, to get stronger, to write a great story with your life, and to experience hope and love from people in your life. You are worth so much more than just being a quitter.

Jordyn wrote: “Some people have suicidal thoughts because they want to escape the isolation, pain, and rejection from the environment surrounding them. Others simply feel they have reached a state of loneliness and depression in their lives to the point where their thoughts become so negative, they can't find any other reason to live. They would rather not confront it because of the fear of hurt that comes along with it, than confront it to rebuild their lives. I feel that when you go through times of depression and think about committing suicide, God is there by your side. He will not abandon you. It is only a matter of whether you reach out to Him through prayer that you will be free from these thoughts.”

There are so many healthy ways to deal with pain and hurt. Even though the road to healing may be long and hard, it’s a much better road to take than the shortcut of suicide. Amanda agrees there’s always another option besides suicide: “Just because you get into a sticky situation or face a problem does not mean you have to commit suicide just to get out of the situation!”

God has made you very strong person and you will get through this.

Whatever you are going through right now is only temporary. It will pass. It may be difficult and possibly the most challenging thing you’ve ever been through, but God has made you very strong person and you will get through this. I promise.

Next week I’m going to write about the cruel consequences of suicide, and what it does to the people left behind. Do you know someone who has committed suicide? How did it affect you? What would you like to tell that person if you had the chance? Thanks for sharing your story with me.

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134. The Cruel Consequences of Suicide

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132. SUICIDE

132. SUICIDE

Dawson — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

Ten percent of people you see have in some way tried to commit suicide.

Suicide is a massive problem. If you haven’t thought about killing yourself, chances are you know someone who has. For example, within a typical high school classroom, it is likely that three students (one boy and two girls) have made a suicide attempt in the past year. Think about that for a moment the next time you are in a classroom or perhaps in the cafeteria at work. Look around and realize that probably ten percent of people you see have in some way tried to commit suicide. They feel overwhelmed and see suicide as their only option out.

Jess has those very feelings: “I have considered suicide many times in my life. I am bipolar and when I get really depressed I want to kill myself. Life also becomes overwhelming with school and things going on at home.”

Every 2 hours, a person under the age of 25 commits suicide.

Let’s look at it another way. Every 2 hours, a person under the age of 25 kills him or her self. In most cities on Sunday nights, my radio show Dawson McAllister Live goes for two hours. Sometimes just after the show I say to myself, “While the show was going on, some teenager or young adult across America went ahead and committed suicide. I am deeply thrilled that my show and our off-air HopeLine has saved thousands of people from killing themselves. Yet I am still haunted by the many we could not prevent. It goes without saying, suicide is a big deal. Once you are successful at it, there are no second chances or turning back.

Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.

I wish this wasn’t the case. That’s why I’m doing a blog series about this life and death issue. If somehow I can help one person to turn away from suicide, it will all be worth it. Maybe it will be Jess, or the person who emailed me anonymously: “I struggle with suicide. I just need some help.” Or maybe that someone is you.

There is a lot of confusion about suicide and what causes it. But this much I do know:

Suicide is preventable. Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.
Suicide never just comes “out of the blue.” There are always personal reasons for the feelings.
Every suicidal person desperately needs someone to listen to them.
Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions.
There is no such thing as “a lost cause” when someone is suicidal.
It helps to talk about suicide, and the personal reasons behind it.
If someone you know commits suicide, it’s not your fault.

There is no such thing as “a lost cause.”

As Roiselyn wrote: “We need to find ways among ourselves to prevent suicide from happening, not just leave it to ‘experts’ or therapists.” She is right. Experts can certainly help, but most suicidals turn to their friends for help first. That is why this blog series may be the most important blogs I have ever written. So please stay with me as we tackle this horrific and tragic act—suicide.

Next week, I’m going to write about some of the different reasons why people kill themselves. Please write to me and tell me your story of why you thought suicide was the answer. What was it that caused you to think about suicide? What have you done to overcome those horrific thoughts? Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

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133. Why Do People Commit Suicide?

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131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

Dawson — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:00:00 GMT

These last few weeks I’ve been blogging about the power of words. You no doubt have experienced how careless and cruel words hurt others and tear apart the closest of friends. Unfortunately, words have the power to even destroy someone’s reputation.

A blogger wrote: “All my life I have been talked and gossiped about, and still am, behind my back. I just ignore them and walk away but sometimes I wonder what is the problem with me and what have I done to deserve being talked badly about.”

Even though no one can have complete control over what others say or think about them, it is possible to do some things that can protect your reputation, and possibly prevent people from gossiping about you.

The very best thing you can do to protect your reputation is to manage your online presence.

The Internet, in particular, has the potential to define the reputation of a person for good or bad—what people see or read about you online influences their opinion of you. So the very best thing you can do to protect your reputation is to manage your online presence.

How can you do that?

Take down anything that it is inappropriate online and put up what you would like others to know about you.

For example…

Nothing on the Internet or sent through phones is truly private, it can all be traced.

Don’t post inappropriate or sexual comments or photos on facebook or myspace. Whatever you post on the web is painting a picture of who you are. You never know who is going to see something you post on the web. What might seem like an inside joke between you and a good friend can be misinterpreted by someone on the outside, including potential future employers. Information online is often permanent and searchable.
Don’t post music, lyrics or images that are violent, sexual, or drug-related.While you may know you don’t do drugs, or that you’re not violent, someone who doesn’t know you might find it easy to think you are—they might not get the joke.
Don’t use email addresses with sexual overtones, and don’t send sexual texts or photos through your phone or email. You might think you’re only sending it to one person, but you never can know for sure who they will think should see it. Nothing on the Internet or sent through phones is truly private, it can all be traced. And remember, everything you do online is sending a message to others about who you are.

Cierra said: “If you want to protect your reputation you have to think about if I do this just once, do I want people knowing about it or thinking of me in this way? I know you shouldn't care about what others think, but there are times when it's okay to.”

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act.

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act, not only online but offline. People are watching and making judgments about what kind of person you by what you show them. As you begin to understand this, you are better able to act in ways that will enhance your reputation rather than damage it.

I’m so excited you are reading my blogs. I write them for you with the hope it will help you in some way. Thank you Jolene for your encouraging words: “I love how Dawson tells how gossip really hurts. Other blog sites just gossip, this one tells us how hurtful it can be. I am so glad that Dawson is down-to-earth.”

Next week, I am starting a very important series about suicide and I need your help. Please tell me your story about suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Why do so many people have suicidal thoughts?
Have you ever considered committing suicide? Why?
What stopped you from going through with your plans?
Have you ever had a friend commit suicide? How did that affect you?

Please comment here on this blog and let me know your thoughts. It will help me greatly with my writing.

Thank you!
Dawson

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132. SUICIDE

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130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

Dawson — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

You, no doubt, have experienced the damaging effects of people gossiping about you. If you haven’t, consider yourself fortunate. Gossiping is such a popular way for people to spend their time, and tragically, the damage it can do spreads like a virus, until someone’s reputation is seriously damaged.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then work on showing that to other people.

Perhaps you’ve been the focus of some gossip, and your reputation has been hurt. Maybe you’ve made some bad choices, and the gossipers are now using them against you. Or maybe someone is making up lies about you, simply trying to hurt you. You may feel like there’s no chance to counteract the horrible things they are saying. It’s going to take some time, but trust me, you can rebuild your reputation. Here are some ideas on how to do it…

1) Ignore the negative. It is very important to stop listening to all the bad things being said about you—it will only bring you down and leave you feeling discouraged and hopeless.

That was Sarah’s experience, “I was driving myself crazy, listening or even trying to imagine what other people were saying about me. I had to stop. Then I could finally move on.”

2) Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then work on showing that to other people. You’re well aware of how you don’t want people to view you. How do you want them to view you? And why?

3) Find one other person you can talk to who will remind you of the person you want to be, and believes the best about you. If you can’t find anyone, be that person for yourself.

Are your friends adding to, or taking away, from your reputation?

Devon commented: “Until I could find a good friend, I had to keep telling myself over and over I am not the person they say I am. I’m a good person and though I’m not perfect, I’m working on getting better.”

4) Be honest about your mistakes. If the source of the gossip is rooted in truth, let people (especially the people you care about the most) know what is true, but that you want to change. Then, over time, go about proving it to them!

Time will usually heal a lot of difficult situations.

5) Figure out if you need a new group of friends. Are your friends adding value to, or taking away, from your reputation? If they are affecting your reputation in a negative way, you don’t have to neglect, or start talking badly about them, but you might want to add some new people into your life—people who are known to say encouraging and positive things.

Misty said: “I found out from another friend that the people I was hanging out with were only hurting my reputation. I still care about them, but I need to be careful about what influence they might be having on me.”

6) Show you care about other people. Smile, and be nice to people you see. Take a genuine interest in what other people are doing or thinking. People always appreciate someone who seems to care. You’ll find that people will be drawn to you, and less likely to talk badly about you.

7) Make a little change. Sometimes changing something as simple as your hairstyle or your clothes will make a ton of difference in how people view you. Be creative, and don’t be afraid to “conform” just a little bit to what seems to be the current looks.

Don’t ever try to turn into something you are not.

8) Be patient. It takes time to build a good reputation. And even more time to rebuild a damaged one. In time, the truth about you will be known. A good reputation is hard to destroy. Who you are as a person speaks for itself. Besides, sometimes people go on with their own lives, and forget what was said about you.

David had this experience: “I had people saying bad things about me. But after a while, people just kind of forgot about it. You just have to be patient and stay confident.”

Hint • If you’re feeling like you need to rebuild your reputation, ask your close friends or family what they see to be your positive or negative traits. What do they think would be beneficial for you to adjust, in order to help improve your reputation?

No matter what you do to rebuild your reputation, don’t ever try to turn into something you are not. Just remember to be true to yourself, and honest to your closest friends. As you seek to live the best life you can, you will be able to hold your head held high—no matter what other people say about you.

Next week, I’m going to write about how to Protect Your Reputation. What are some of the things you do to keep your reputation gossip-free? Let me know. Thanks for your help!

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131. Protecting Your Online Reputation

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129. The Danger of Gossip

129. The Danger of Gossip

Dawson — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

It’s been said, “knowledge is power.” Unfortunately, many people like to spread damaging information or intimate details about others, whether true or not. This is what is called gossip. It used to be that people called gossip, “dishing the dirt.” Whatever it’s called, people use gossip to hurt people, in order to feel good about themselves, and to feel like they have power over others.

If you know something juicy someone did over the weekend, it’s easy to feel like you have to tell others. We especially like it when we hear something that makes someone look bad. Celebrity bloggers and gossip magazines make millions of dollars off of this unfortunate reality. I’m sure you’ve encountered gossip. Some people seem to thrive on it.

It’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of it.

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation. A reputation is very fragile. When you gossip, you are helping to destroy something extremely valuable. An anonymous blogger wrote: “After telling my best friend, it leaked that I tried [cutting] once. Everyone thought I was even more of a freak.”

If you think it’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of gossip, here are some tips on how to do it…

1) Make a commitment you’re not going to gossip.
Even though the temptation to gossip is powerful, you will always win when you choose not to use it. And really, with all gossip, there’s no way of knowing for sure what is true or not. Paul wrote: “I admit that I love spreading rumors. It’s all about telling lies about someone you don’t like. It usually works.” That’s the problem, it does work, almost every time.

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation.

2) Don’t listen to others when they gossip
Gossip grows an audience. You simply being there listening to it adds to its appeal. If someone starts to tell you something gossipy, say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this person when they’re not here to defend themselves.” Not only will you break the gossip chain, but you also will gain the trust of other people, as someone who won’t spread rumors.

With all gossip, there’s no way of knowing what is truth or lies.

3) Don’t judge people based on gossip.
If you should hear gossip about someone you don’t know, you have two choices: allow the gossip to determine what you believe, or let your own personal experience determine what you think. The first time you have an experience with someone that is contrary to the gossip you’ve heard, you’ll be a lot more careful about spreading or believing gossip the next time you hear it.

Katy wrote: “My best friend is someone who people used to say really bad things about. But once I got to know her, I learned the truth about her. I’m so glad I gave her a chance.”

4) Think before you speak.
Before you repeat something you’ve heard about another person, think: does this really do any good for me to spread this information? Or am I just trying to “be in the know?” Is the information even true? Could I be hurting someone by telling this, even if it’s true? If the person you are talking to is not part of the problem, or part of the solution, there’s no need to tell them anything.

Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others.

5) Stay away from people who gossip to you—they will gossip about you. Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others. Be very careful about what you choose to tell these people. If it’s a close friend, you might consider saying how you want to stop spreading gossip, and that you’d really like her help.

There’s an old saying, “stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That’s not true. Being gossiped about can be extremely painful. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to others. In the end, it never pays to gossip.

Next week, I’m going to write about what you can do to rebuild a bad reputationdestroyed by gossip, and then I’ll follow that up with ways you can protect your reputation. What have you done to repair a bad reputation? Please tell me your story. I look forward to hearing from you.

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130. How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

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128. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 3

128. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 3

Dawson — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:00:00 GMT

Going through your parents’ divorce is one of the most tragic experiences you can go through. Unfortunately, it’s become such a common occurrence, it is easy to think you’re supposed to act like it’s no big deal, even though you feel like you’re dying inside.

In an earlier blog, I strongly urged you to realize your parents’ divorce is not your fault. It is also very important to know that whatever you’re feeling, no matter how terrible, you’re not alone. In this blog, let’s talk further ways to deal with your parents’ divorce in a healthy way.

You Can Deal With Your Parent’s Divorce In A Healing Way By...

1) Being Honest About Your Hurt and Pain
Some experts believe the trauma of divorce is more difficult than even the death of a loved one. With the death of a parent, the loss is complete. There’s a certain finality to it. But with divorce, the loss seems to have no ending (you may hope your parents will get back together again), and the pain is ongoing. Rayette said: “Going through divorce is like getting your heart torn in pieces.”

One of the worst things you can do is ignore your true feelings and tell yourselves lies to seemingly help take away the pain. Suppressed or unexpressed feelings can lead to anger, depression, and even addiction.

You are responsible for dealing with your pain and getting healing.

Leigh wrote about how keeping her feelings bottled up created more problems than it solved. “I thought I was protecting myself, but I started getting really angry and I was taking it out on the people around me. I was also so focused on myself that I didn't even stop to think that there were other people who were hurting. So my advice would be to write it out and talk it out. When I told my friend what was going on, I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders.”

Dealing with the truth about your parents’ divorce may bring you face to face with awful emotional pain. But the hurt, if handled in the right way, will lead to freedom and healing.

2) Refusing to Blame Others and Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing
Just like denial is a trap, you can also fall into the trap of blame—holding others so responsible for your pain that you refuse to be accountable for your own actions. When you blame others, you feel justified in acting out your own anger and destructive behavior.

No one really takes responsibility for their healing until they develop a plan—deciding what kind of person you want to be, how you plan to deal with your parents, and how you would like to grow from this experience.

When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can find the power to begin again.

Courtney said she could blame her parents for getting a divorce, but instead she’s choosing to catch a bigger vision for how good her life can be: “I want to believe in ‘true love,’ but have a hard time seeing it because it has never been in a home around me. But when I get married, if I do, divorce is not an option. I cannot and will not raise a child the way I was.”

There’s no question that you, like Courtney, are the victim of your parents’ divorce. But remember, you are still responsible for dealing with your pain and healing.

3) Grieving Over the Deep Loss In Your Life
When your parents divorce, a part of you is ripped away. Something that was so important to you is now gone. And you feel like your life will never be the same again. Divorce shatters the sense of security you had when there was both a father and a mother who loved each other and who would love and provide for you. This is truly heartbreaking.

Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone.

There’s nothing weak about grieving. When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can start to see hope again. Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone. You must find someone you can trust—maybe a pastor, counselor, therapist, friend, or an adult friend. Both Avangeline and Meagan both confirm this truth from their own experiences.

Avangeline said, “The most important thing is to find one person, that no matter where you go, you can always talk to. Having at least one person to vent to is critical in how you get through hard times.”

Meagan wrote: “My parents got divorced when I was two. I'm thirteen now and I have to go through their horrible parenting. But as long as you have someone on your side to talk to, then you'll find out that it's not your fault and you'll grow out of your pain.”

4) Taking Comfort and Hope from God
God wants to use the people in your life to bring you comfort in your times of sorrow. You might even consider writing a letter to God, expressing your sadness. God knows your heartache and wants to help you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God wants to comfort you.

Wherever you are in the healing process, God will help you through it. And He wants to use you to help others who are also struggling with the pain of divorce and its consequences. God doesn’t want you to continually see yourself as a victim. Instead, He wants to help you so that by His power you can overcome these difficult experiences. Instead of getting bitter, He will help you get better.

But whatever you do, don’t give up. There is hope for you. Millions of people have gone through what you are experiencing and have overcome their hurt. You can too!

Amanda put it well when she said: “Don't let [your parents’ divorce] control your life…and whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP! Do not run. You can’t run from your problems, they will follow you for the rest of your life.”

Why don’t you send this blog to someone you know who is going through the divorce of their parents—perhaps they could benefit from reading this?

My next blog is going to be about gossip and the danger of it, how to rebuild a bad reputation destroyed by it, as well as how to protect your reputation. Let me know how you have survived an attack on your reputation. Your comments will help my writing. Thanks!

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129. The Danger of Gossip

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127. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 2

127. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 08:00:00 GMT

It’s so hard to be honest with ourselves and others about the effects we feel when our parents break-up. That is because our parent’s divorce is devastating. We naturally put up walls, which are filled with denial, silence, and a certain distance between us and others. Yet, these techniques, in the end, fail us every time. That is why I want to try and help you deal with the effects of your parent’s break-up.

We naturally put up walls, which are filled with denial, silence, and a certain distance between us and others.

The fact of the matter is that you are an innocent bystander, experiencing a tragedy to those closest to you. You cannot experience this without it having a profound impact on your life. Judith Wallerstein, an expert on the effects of divorce on children said, “Divorce is not just an episode in a child’s life. It’s like a natural disaster that really changes the whole trajectory of a child’s life.”

Ari put it in his own brutally, honest words:“My parents have been divorced since I was five years old; it still affects me today…Through their madness and horrible

You are an innocent bystander, experiencing a tragedy to those closest to you.

parenting I somehow managed to survive. It's hard, but it is something that we all, as victims of parental divorce, have to do!”

Like Ari, you no doubt have experienced a lot of different crushing emotions as you attempt to cope with the radical changes divorce has brought to your life.

For example, Denisse spoke about her rage:“I didn't want anyone to talk to me about what was going on and I just wanted to be left alone in my pain. I got really angry at my mom for leaving me.”

Whatever you are feeling, no matter how horrific, it’s normal!

Whatever you are feeling, no matter how horrific, it’s normal! It may not be healthy, but it is normal. Yet it is so hard to talk about those feelings. Even to begin to explain how you feel can be paralyzing. Nonetheless, until you embrace your pain, and deal with it, the pain will continue to haunt you…and control you. It is absolutely critical, however, to try to describe to ourselves and others, just how devastated we feel.

See if this list will help you put words on some of the things you are feeling...

As a result of your parent’s divorce you might feel...

Shocked
Terrified
Confused
Bewildered
Ashamed of yourself—because you think it’s your fault.
Guilty—like somehow it’s your fault your parents split up.
Angry with yourself—because you didn’t do things differently.
Angry—either toward your parents, or just angry in general.
Sad—“I can’t believe it’s come to this.”
Afraid of losing your other parent, if one parent already left.
Embarrassed—not wanting anyone to know things are going to be different in your family.
Disappointed
Depressed—like you’ve lost something
Suicidal
Worried about what is going to happen to you and who will take care of you.
Helpless or Powerless
Unloved
Pushed-aside
Rejected
Protective of one or both parents.
Responsible for your brothers or sisters.
Distrustful
Lonely—you don’t have anyone to talk to, or no one who understands what you’re going through.
Hopeless
Withdrawn
Worthless
Distracted
Exhausted
Unable to sleep
It’s difficult to trust God
A longing for closure

You can, and with God’s help, face these emotions and go on.

This list is probably pretty overwhelming to you. You might even have become aware of feelings you never knew you had. But don’t give up. You can, and with God’s help, face these emotions and go on—not just as a survivor of your parent’s divorce, but as an overcomer.

Thanks for sending in your comments. Next week I’m going to write about how to specifically face the hurt and pain you’re feeling as a result of your parent’s divorce.I hope to hear from you about how you have dealt with your parent’s divorce.Thanks!

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128. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 3

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126. Dealing with Divorce

126. Dealing with Divorce

Dawson — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:00:00 GMT

For a long time I have wanted to blog about what to do when your family is broken up by divorce. I have taken literally thousands of calls from teenagers and young adults whose whole lives have been rearranged by their parent’s divorce. Getting over your parent’s divorce is never easy, in fact, it will no doubt change the whole direction of your life. Everybody knows somebody from a broken home. They are everywhere. Maybe you too have suffered the pain of a family break-up. If so, this topic is for you. May it help you navigate through the rough waters of confusion, disappointment, anger, and pain.

I can assure you, you are not alone.

Whether your parents are separated, are going through, or are already divorced, it’s very normal to experience many different feelings and have a lot of questions. It’s also very normal for you to feel like you’re the only one who has ever had this happened to. But I can assure you, you are not alone.

More than anything, divorce seems to bring up a huge load of questions. Why did this happen? Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this from happening? Will they ever get back together? Will things ever be normal again? Did my parents ever really love each other?

Amelie wrote, “I mostly feel sad about my parents divorce. But I also feel angry and confused. There are a lot of feelings. I don’t know what to do with them.”

The divorce is about your parents and the problems they have with each other—it’s not about you.

You might even wonder if your parents would still be together if you would’ve done better in school, or not got into so much trouble, or helped more around the house. I have known many teenagers and young adults who have all but destroyed their lives blaming themselves for the actions of their parents. The personal blame game is perhaps the most devastating affect your parent’s divorce will have on you.

Here’s the truth: No matter what that little voice inside of you that is constantly blaming you says, the divorce is about your parents and the problems they have with each other — it’s not about you. It was not your fault. Your parents are adults and are responsible for the commitments they made toward each other, long before you were born.

So…Why Did Your Parents Get Divorced?
I could make a list a mile long of different reasons why people get divorced. The truth is, if someone doesn’t want to be married any longer, there’s always going to be some reason. For example…

We can no longer live together.
We can’t work through our issues.
We don’t talk to each other anymore.
I can’t live with your anger—you scare me.
I can’t take your verbal abuse any longer.
I am being physically abused.
I don’t feel like I love you anymore.
I found somebody else.
I’m bored in this relationship.
You have a serious problem with drinking/gambling.
You won’t quit looking at porn.
You can’t handle money.
I can’t stand your relatives.
You won’t look for a job.

It’s as if people find it easier to end a marriage, than to work through the problems they may be experiencing.

I could go on and on, and I’m sure you could add some that you’ve seen in your, or other people’s, homes. Experts on marriage say the most common reasons given for divorce are actually preventable. The top reasons given by ex-husbands and ex-wives were: lack of commitment, too much conflict and arguing, and infidelity—reasons that can be addressed by counseling with a marriage therapist. Tragically, we live in a world where 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It’s as if people find it easier to end a marriage, than to work through the problems they may be experiencing.

Still, I don’t believe anyone marries to get divorced. They don’t say, “Well, I’d like to go through the awful experience of getting divorced so I think I’ll get married.”Everyone thinks they have found the right one when they marry.

Adam said, “I don’t understand all the reasons my parents got divorced. Sometimes I wish I knew more of the reasons, so I can prevent it from happening to me.”

Your Parents’ Divorce Is Not Your Fault! Never has been, and never will be.

Personally, I wish divorce didn’t exist. I’ve seen too many lives broken by the affects of divorce—especially the lives of children who had no choice in the matter, but who were the most affected by it—people like Heather, who said, “Under all my anger is a deep sadness the came from my parents divorce.” I want you to know that I feel your pain. And want to help. My goal of the upcoming blogs is to help you not be a victim, or even a survivor, of your parents’ divorce, but an overcomer. It is possible.

Just remember: Your Parents’ Divorce Is Not Your Fault! Never has been, and never will be.

Next week I’m going to write about the changes you will experience after your parents get divorced. Please write and tell me your story – how have you dealt with your parent’s divorce? I look forward to hearing from you.

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127. Dealing with Divorce Pt. 2

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125. How To Make Friends

125. How To Make Friends

Dawson — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:00:00 GMT

In the last couple of blogs, I’ve been suggesting ways on how to become more outgoing. This blog continues that topic, but deals specifically with how to make friends—for some people a very difficult task, and one that requires great patience, love, and commitment.

You’ve heard me say on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, about the incredible value of having good friends. Friends will be the anchors that will keep you grounded when everything else around you seems to be out of control.

But what if you’re at a new school, or maybe starting a new job, the sooner you learn how to make friends, the more fulfilling your life will be. So, how do you make new friends?

The best way to make friends is to get involved in programs and activities that you like.

1) Spend more time around people with similar interests.
You can’t make friends sitting at home watching TV. Sooner or later, you have to move out into unchartered waters—the real world where things can sometimes be unpredictable and uncomfortable. The best way to work through this is to stare down your fears and take the plunge. It may not be a great experience the first time, but if you keep at it, you will attract people to yourself.

The easiest way to make friends is to get involved in activities that you are comfortable with, and let the relationships develop naturally.

Volunteer – when you work together with other people on a common goal, you will develop friendships more rapidly.
Join a club – find a group of people with similar interests and interact with them while you do what you love.
Join a sports team – this is a great way to make friends as you compete against an opponent. Don’t worry about being “good enough,” just give it your all.

Shana said, “Having a goal you share with other people, even strangers, will draw you together. I went on a missions trip with people from my church and we all became really great friends.” Shana is right—she took her eyes off herself and her own fears, and found new friends who all had a common goal.

Ask people questions about themselves and take an honest interest in them.

2) Reach out to people
You can join all the clubs or teams in the world and you’ll never make friends with anyone if you don’t reach out to others. Better yet, you don’t have to join anything to be able to be kind and loving to others. Remember, everybody needs encouragement and attention, even small words of kindness will make a difference. You can talk to people behind the counter at restaurants, in a store, at church, or just about anyplace. Ask people questions about themselves and take an honest interest in them. People are most concerned about themselves, therefore, to reach into their world, in time, will bring you friends.

Jessie said, “People sometimes think you’re crazy for talking to strangers. But being nice to other people is a great way to live. And it’s a great way to make new friends.”

3) Make efforts to get together
When you meet someone you find interesting, be courageous enough to ask him or her to meet with you at another time. It’s a great way to find out if the other person is open to having your friendship. Don’t ever try to pressure anyone into getting together with you. But be honest and sincere about your desire to get to know them.

Be courageous enough to make plans to get together another time.

4) Be a good friend.
Some people have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends. What is the difference between friends and acquaintances? An acquaintance is someone you might see everyday, and you might even have conversations with her or him. But it usually doesn’t go beyond friendly, superficial talk. If you’re looking for a good friend, you will have to work harder and go deeper than just saying hi to everybody. A good friend is available, reliable, and trustworthy, and also a great listener.

Wade said, “I don’t want any friends who don’t care what goes on with me. If someone wants to show me they’re a good friend they will ask me about what I’m thinking and feeling.”

A good friend is available, reliable, and trustworthy.

Just remember, there are many people like you all around you waiting to make new friends, too. Make it your goal to find them. It takes a while to develop friends, so be patient, it will work out. Look over the last two blogs on How To Socialize and How To Be Funny, for additional tips that will help you to be more outgoing. Next week I’m starting a new series on What To Do When Your Parent’s Get Divorced. Please write me and tell me your thoughts and experiences about what has helped you get through your parent’s divorce. I appreciate your comments and NEED your insights! Thanks!

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126. Dealing with Divorce

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124. How to Be Funny

124. How to Be Funny

Dawson — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 08:00:00 GMT

We all know how easy it is to feel uncomfortable in social situations, especially around people you’ve never met. But instead of giving up hope, and thinking you have to just stick to the back of the room, or hang like a picture against the wall, there are some things you can learn to be more outgoing; i.e. how to socialize, how to be funny, and how to make friends. Some of these ideas might work for you—some may not. They may just be good reminders. But I believe these three blogs will be a great starting point if you have always wanted to be more outgoing, but just haven’t had any idea how to do it.

Last week, I wrote about how to socialize, so this week I’m going to tackle a very serious topic. For most people, being funny is no laughing matter. It certainly isn’t easy, even though some people sure make it look easy, don’t they! It’s not like you can check off a to-do list and suddenly you’re funny. We’ve all seen someone trying too hard to be funny, and it’s really just painful. But here are a few ideas I can tell you about that will help you take some steps in the direction of being funny.

The first step to being funny is to not take things seriously—this includes not taking yourself too seriously.

Lighten Up
The first step to being funny is to not take things seriously. This includes not taking yourself too seriously, and taking what happens to you with a grain of salt. It’s not the end of the world when something bad happens to you, and many times being able to laugh at yourself, or finding something funny in the situation is not only good for your own sanity, but it’s also funny to other people. Brandon agrees: “A person can be funny if they laugh at themselves and don't take themselves too seriously and is always positive.”

The first step to being funny is to not take things seriously—this includes not taking yourself too seriously.

Know What’s Going On
The more you know about what’s going on in the world of news, entertainment and pop culture, the better your chances are of finding something funny to talk about. If you talk about something funny, people will think you’re funny, simply because you revealed your own humorous way of looking at things. Talk about things you’ve heard or seen that you think are funny.

Roiselyn thinks some people are funny by being able to come up with witty comments on the spot. “But some people are funny because they take day to day things and turn them into jokes. It all depends on what sense of humor you have. Personally, my favorite jokes are the ones that point out the flaws of things you see every day. Not only is the statement true, it's great for giggles.”

Arm Yourself With Jokes
A person who tells a lot of jokes isn’t necessarily considered funny, but someone who knows how to use a joke at the right time, in the right way, is very funny. Find a “Joke of the Day” service on the web, or find a good joke book that makes you laugh. Learn a good handful of them, and try them out in different situations.

Take a genuine interest in other people, and reveal the funny you see in different situations.

Get the Delivery Right
Being funny isn’t always about telling the funniest jokes or stories. The funny comes out in how you tell them. Be animated and energetic when you speak and you can make any story funny. Smile a lot, look people in the eye, speak with confidence, and everyone will listen.

It’s Not About You
Ultimately, this is the most important thing. You don’t want to be someone who comes across as a person who is just trying to be funny. You don’t have to be the life of the party. But using humor will be a great talent to help you (and others) feel more comfortable, and socialize in any setting.

Remember, the goal of being funny is to make people laugh, not to get people to think you’re funny. There’s a difference—it’s about your audience, it’s not about you. Take a genuine interest in other people, and reveal the funny you see in different situations.

Don’t worry if people don’t think you’re funny. Just ignore it or laugh at yourself.

Melissa admitted to feeling pretty socially awkward most of the time. “It's hard to find the balance between not trying at all and trying too hard.” It’s very normal to feel awkward at first. Remember to relax—don’t try to be the funniest person in the room. And don’t worry if people don’t think you’re funny. Just ignore it or laugh at yourself. Whatever you do, don’t keep trying to make people laugh. They’ll just feel sorry for you.

Next week, I’m going to write about How To Make Friends. What are some ideas that have worked for you? I’d love to have your help. I appreciate you.

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125. How To Make Friends

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123. How to Socialize

123. How to Socialize

Dawson — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:00:00 GMT

Many people dream about being able to walk into a room full of strangers and immediately begin to talk to people and develop relationships. This isn’t an easy task. If you're like most people, you have visions of yourself standing alone against the wall, looking awkward, sweating, until you’re able to sneak out the back door early. But it does get easier the more you practice.

We all know someone who is always the “life of the party.” It seems so easy for them, the way they appear so confident, having fun and being sociable, even in new situations! What is their secret to success?

Socializing is a perfect opportunity for rejection.

1. Realize fears are normal. Socializing is a perfect opportunity for rejection. If you start talking to someone, it’s a real possibility they may find you boring. It’s normal to feel like you won’t be able to think of anything to say. You can’t be fascinating to everybody! But at the same time, there will be some people who think you are interesting and fun to be with.

Sarah admitted to having worried about getting people to like her: “It’s natural to worry about whether people will like you or not. The truth is, some people will like you, and some people won’t. You can’t control either.”

2. Look your best. A good appearance will not only make you feel more confident, but it will attract more people to you. Just like going to a job interview, you get one chance to make a first impression on new people.

People are flattered when someone takes a sincere interest in them.

3. Start the conversation. When you begin the conversation with someone, you take the pressure off of him or her. A great way to start is with a question: “What brings you here today?” or “So, where are you from?” Simple, friendly, complimentary questions are very helpful. “I love your jacket, where did you get it?” Do your best to be calm and relaxed. This will encourage others to relax with you.

4. Take a sincere interest in the other person. People are flattered when someone takes a sincere interest in them. Keep the conversation about them by asking lots of questions. Key in on the things they bring up and ask follow-up questions to get more information. When listening, don’t interrupt or look around the room. Stay focused on them.

David said he loves it when people take an interest in him. “If someone asks me a good question about what I do for fun, or what I like, and then really listens, it makes me feel like they could be a friend. That’s how I hope to be to other people.”

In the course of your conversation, it will be helpful for you to have some funny or interesting things to bring up.

5. Have something interesting to talk about.In the course of your conversation, it will be helpful for you to have some funny or interesting things to bring up. You may have read about it, saw in on TV or the internet. Whatever it is, be prepared to talk about something you found interesting. “I saw the funniest thing yesterday, did you happen to see this?” and then explain what you saw or heard.

6. Respect personal space. It’s easy for other people to be uncomfortable when a new person comes up and starts taking an interest. Make sure to keep a respectful distance between the two of you when you’re talking. If you notice them folding their arms, or stepping back, you may be too close for their comfort level.

Amanda can tell when a guy is trying too hard. “If a guy I don’t know comes too close, or tries to be too personal without having established a connection with me, it’s easy to write him off.”

The people who appear to have an easy time socializing are the ones who have had a lot of practice.

7. Take a friend. Entering into a new social situation is always easier if you go with a friend. It helps to know someone who likes you is there cheering you on as you begin reaching out to new people. This is great practice for when you have to be in a social setting alone. However, avoid spending all of your time with your friend, or appearing like you are having a private conversation. People will think you’re not in the mood to socialize.

Remember, your fears are very normal. Just relax. The people who appear to have an easy time socializing are the ones who have had a lot of practice. You will find the more you work on some of these points, your fears will decrease, and you will look forward to the new adventures, and interesting people you will meet, as you act with courage and confidence.

Next week I’m going to write about How to Be Funny. Are some people just naturally funny? Or is it something you can work on? Let me know what you think makes people be funny. I look forward to hearing from you.

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124. How to Be Funny

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122. When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

122. When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

Dawson — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:00:00 GMT

One of life’s greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when there is conflict between you. Many a friend have spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong—if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you. So…what can you do when your best friend is angry with you?

The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict.

Talk It Out
When your best friend is mad at you, the first (and most important!) thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it’s quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what’s wrong between you. Ask what he/she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it’s your job to listen. Really listen. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict.

Jennifer agreed: “The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.”

Don’t Get Defensive
The worst thing you can do is get defensive, and try to quickly react to what your friend is trying to say. When you hear your friend telling you what she thinks you did wrong, it’s natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time enough for you to express how you feel as well. Don’t forget—this is your time to listen.

Ask What You Can Do
It may take a while for your friend to express everything she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what she’s feeling, make sure she’s completely finished before you start to talk.

You can start by repeating back to your friend what you heard her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

The next thing you might want to ask is “What can I do to help mend the relationship?” Many times, your friend will have an idea of what she’d like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you’re willing to do what she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, your hurt friend may have a total unrealistic solution to the problem. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, if she says, “I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again.” Don’t commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic, and unfair.

David said, “Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground, or walk away. Most people don’t know when their expectations are unrealistic.” You might find it helpful to say, “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking, but I could do this.” Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong
If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It’s easy to think just saying “I’m sorry” is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don’t mean them, or if you don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, “I will forgive you” before you assume all is well with your friend. However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. She will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time—this will prove to her you really are sorry.

Give It Time
If your friend doesn’t want to talk about what is making her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. “We have had our ups and downs but we’re still friends. Even the times she tried to pull away and we didn’t talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had. Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you’re not sure they really care if you’re friends or not.”

It’s impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution—you can’t make anybody else do what they don’t want to do. You might want to read the series of blogs I wrote on forgiveness (#59-65) for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it’s easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties. Do all you can to make peace. Remember, a good friend is priceless.

Next week…I’m going to write about How to Socialize, Be Funny and Make Friends. I need your help. Please send me your ideas of how to do this. Thanks!

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123. How to Socialize

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121. Resisting The Urge To Cut

121. Resisting The Urge To Cut

Dawson — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:00:00 GMT

In my last blog, I gave you four things to focus on to help you quit cutting: Talk it out, Wake up to your actual feelings, Ask for help, and Seek God. Once you decide you’re committed to stop cutting, you will find out what a struggle it is to go sober—and stay free from this horrible addiction. Even as you are beginning to recover, you still will feel the cravings to cut again. You are going to need to be prepared to know how to deal with those powerful urges. May each of these practical ideas help you, or someone you know, to be set free.

Every urge you have to cut will go away in time, but only if you don’t act on it.

Stop feeding the monster - wait it out.
Every urge you have to cut will go away in time, but only if you don’t act on it. Each time you act on your urge to cut, you’re making that urge stronger—kind of like feeding a monster. Each time you feed the addiction, the more likely you will feel the urge to cut the next time you feel the same emotional pressure. The more you stand against the urge, without giving in, the more your urges will decrease.

Distract yourself.
One of the best ways to let the urge to cut pass is by distracting yourself with someone or something else. This will allow the moment to pass when you’re feeling the deep cravings to cut, and get your mind off of it. It’s impossible for your mind to think about two things at the exact same time. Here are some ideas on how to do this…

1. Call a friend or meet them in person. Talk about what’s comfortable for you. The key is to keep talking.
2. Take a shower. This will help invigorate your body, so physically it too, is distracted. (Make sure there are no razors in the shower).
3. Exercise – Walk, run, ride your bike, climb, swim, do yoga, etc. While you are exercising, your mind is more likely to think about something other than cutting.
4. Play with a pet. Take your dog for a walk.
5. Watch television or a non-violent, healthy movie.
6. Make yourself a sandwich, drink a glass of water or a cup of hot chocolate.
7. Listen to positive music—it will definitely help to change your mood.
8. Write in your journal – learn to express your feelings through writing.
9. Create art, or some kind of creative hobby.
10. Volunteer somewhere like a nursing home, or a hospital. In fact, getting a job will help as well. Someone people cut out of sheer boredom.

One of the best ways to let the urge to cut pass is by distracting yourself with someone or something else.

Natalia put it this way: “I still fight the urges, but the way I deal with it is by writing in my journal or talking to my best friend and boyfriend who are currently helping me through this.” The point is: Find something else to do. If none of these ideas are possible at the moment, try finding a substitute for the cutting sensation.

1. Rub an ice cube on your skin, instead of cutting.
2. Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and snap it when you feel the urge.
3. Draw on your skin with a red marker or food coloring in the place you would normally cut.
4. Put temporary tattoos in the places you have the urge to cut.

Angel said rubber bands have helped her. “I've learned that snapping them against your wrist takes away a little bit of the amount to want to cut yourself.” Ali said the key for her was she needed something physical to feel like she was still alive, that she was OK. “So I mark a little pink heart on my calendar for every day I don’t cut...and believe it or not it helps. Help is possible, and stopping is realistic.”

Stop thinking about yourself so much, and focus on other cutters who need your help.

Tell your story.
The biggest problem with a cutting addiction is it forces you to focus on how YOU are feeling, and how you think YOU should be feeling. Stop thinking about yourself so much, and focus on other cutters who need your help. The more you can reach out to others, encouraging them to find better ways to express their feelings, the better you will be able to resist your own urges. Courtney said:“I'm proud to be able to tell people my story of overcoming my self destructive behavior. Everyday is a struggle, but I always choose to find hope in the darkest situations and fight the urge.”

Think about your future.
You have an incredible life ahead of you, filled with many, many years of potential joy and time with people you love, and who love you as well. Think about what you’d like your life to look like in 5, 10, 15 years, and start taking steps to move forward in that direction. Abby is 25, and she sees hope in her future: “If I don't quit cutting, then a lot of the things I want aren't going to work out the way I dream they will.”

Cyndal said: “I thought about when I have children, and they see the cuts and scars on my arms, and they ask me, ‘Mommy what are those booboos on your arms?’ That really made me think, ‘WOW, what would I tell my children?’ And it made me cry for a really long time”

When you feel your emotions building up, remember you now have other options besides cutting.

I want to encourage you to be strong like Amanda. She said: “It's a challenge everyday, but I am fighting to not cut, because I know that my life can be really awesome, and cutting does not fit into that picture.” When you feel your emotions building up, remember you now have other options besides cutting. Be strong. There is tremendous hope for you.

Next week: I’m going to shift gears a bit and write about what to do if your best friend is mad at you. Please send me your advice on how you have found to get through conflict with your best friend.

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122. When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

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120. How to Quit Cutting

120. How to Quit Cutting

Dawson — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:00:00 GMT

By learning new ways of dealing with your emotional pain, you will finally be able to give up this horribly destructive addiction.

Here we are again, talking about issues that are difficult to discuss, but must be brought up. The more we try to hide them, the more power they have over our lives and the more difficult it is to break free. There is a lie about cutting, and just about every addiction. That lie simply says: Cutting is your friend. Cutting is not your friend. It appears to offer you relief from the pain you’re feeling, and no doubt it does temporarily, but in the end it only leaves you feeling worse, yet craving for more. You’re stuck with a body full of scars, and a heart full of secrets. You probably feel like nobody really cares what’s going on inside of your head. And even if they did, you wouldn’t know the words to use to describe what you’re feeling.

I truly believe your feelings of pain which led you to cutting in the first place, are real. But cutting is never going to give you the true relief you are looking for. It will only make things worse. If you want to quit cutting, you have to realize it’s not wrong to be in emotional pain. The problem is you’re trying to fix your emotional hurt with something that only causes more hurt. That’s why cutting doesn’t deliver on its false promise.

Is there a better way to fix the emotional hurt you are feeling? YES!!!!! By learning new ways of dealing with your emotional pain, you will finally be able to give up this horribly destructive addiction. So…how do you do this?

You can’t find the light while hiding in the dark. Cutters are hiders.

1. Come out of hiding. This first step may be the hardest, but you need to tell someone about your cutting. Your secrets are only making matters worse. You can’t find the light while hiding in the dark. Cutters are hiders. Their closet, so to speak, is their safe haven. It’s time to come out. Find someone you can trust. A good place to start may be a doctor, a school counselor, a minister, a relative, or a friend. Jacqueline said this is what has helped her: “Even if you are unsure when and how the pain started—TALK!!!!”

This person will help you describe your pain, even if you don’t know what to say. As you start talking about your feelings in a safe environment you will learn new words you were afraid to use (or maybe never taught to use) before. Such words as: I’m angry, afraid, lonely, ugly, desperate, etc. Over time, you will sort through your intense feelings, heal past hurts, and find new ways to grow stronger and deal with life’s problems in healthy ways. Raven said this worked for her: “I quit cutting [a year ago] and found that I didn’t need the pain anymore. I've gone to counseling for this past year and after talking out the true reason I was hurting myself, I found that I didn’t need to anymore.”

Breaking the pattern of cutting, means learning how to recognize the triggers, and deal with them before you choose to hurt yourself.

2. Discover and break your pattern of cutting. What are the places, situations and people that trigger your desire to cut? These desires can seemingly come out of the blue. The fact of the matter is, those triggers unleash the craving in your mind to cut. Breaking the pattern of cutting, means learning how to recognize the triggers, and deal with them before you choose to hurt yourself. Your counselor will help you quickly think about how to redirect both your emotions and your cutting when a trigger occurs. In time, you will become an expert to the deep emotions that boil up inside of you, and scream that you medicate them by cutting. The earlier you recognize these emotions and what causes them, the easier it is to deal with them in a healthy way. The problems you are facing may not go away right away, but at least you will see more clearly on how to deal with them.

Ashley said: “The sad part is, the things and reasons that were making me do this [cutting] have not stopped. So I wasted all that time hurting myself for no reason. While everyday is a challenge, everyday that I don’t harm myself, I’m one day closer to being fully recovered.”

When you trust God to heal your deepest hurts and emotional pain, He will step in and start helping you turn your entire life around.

3. Seek God. For many of you, it will take a miracle for you to quit cutting. Miracles come from God. There is hope for you—even if you think it will be impossible for you to quit your cruel cutting habit. It’s going to take a true spiritual transformation. Not only are you going to need to retrain your brain from thinking cutting is helping you, but you’re going to need to realize you are powerless, and in need of help. Only a deep, meaningful relationship with God can truly set you free. Instead of working on your addiction to cutting, it’s time to begin working on your relationship with God.

God made you and loves you more than you or I will ever know. He wants you to know Him, and He wants to help you overcome your addiction to cutting. God will give you the strength you need to do this. When you trust God to heal your deepest hurts and emotional pain, He will step in and start helping you turn your entire life around. One blogger anonymously wrote: “I still fight the urge to hurt myself when things are hard. I still carry the scars. But I've learned that God heals, and that His love is a much better relief from the hurt. There is hope.”

So now that you’ve decided you want to quit cutting, how do you fight the urge when it comes up? That’s what I’m going to write about next week. Please share with me how you fight the urge to cut. I want to hear from you. Thank you.

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121. Resisting The Urge To Cut

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119. Consequences of Cutting

119. Consequences of Cutting

Dawson — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:00:00 GMT

I have been, for the last several weeks, blogging about cutting. It is not easy, or pretty. But neither is cancer, and we deal with it everyday. Cutting is a nasty, horrific addiction. There is nothing quite like it, short of suicide. Though most cutters would claim they don’t want to kill themselves, they just like the sight of their blood, and the high it brings. Andi said she’s been cutting for a year and a half, even though she doesn’t remember why she started. “[For me] it’s like a drug. I get the high [when I see] the color of my cherry blood oozing out of my body, then when it dries the burgundy color it leaves behind.”

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that’s where she finds herself.

Spending hours locked in the bathroom at home, or on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall, the cutter carries her precious tools with her wherever she goes—ready at any time to take matters into her own hands. To relieve the emotional pressure and pain she can’t describe, she resorts to slicing into her own skin. The dripping blood reminds her she’s still alive. No one to talk to, she settles for self-injury. The blade is her fake friend. The shame and the scars, her constant companions. Just trying to find her way through the rocky road of life, she can’t help but turn inward.

I don’t want to be anything but compassionate toward someone caught in the struggle of cutting. But there is a time when it’s necessary to call it what it is—and expose the destructive consequences of cutting.

Cutting Causes:

1) Paralyzing, Emotional Pain

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that’s where she finds herself. Someone wrote and told me that after the high of cutting wears off, you are left with even more pain. “I quit the cutting because someone once told me the truth, that you only forget about your emotional pain for a moment. It's like a drug—you come down from it and you feel much worse than you did before because you have to deal with the emotional pain that comes from cutting on top of whatever emotional pain you were already feeling.”

One has to wonder how many countless hours and schemes cutters use to hide their physical scars.

Dara said she cut for two years, but still carries the weight of the emotional pain with her. “The couple minutes of relief are not worth the months of hiding and uncomfortable situations when people find out.”

People who begin cutting are convinced their self-medication works. It is a shattering experience to find out later on, not only does it not work, but it is extremely emotionally destructive.

2) A Body Full of Ugly Scars

One has to wonder how many countless hours and schemes cutters use to hide their physical scars—permanent reminders of their tragic mistakes. Eddie started cutting when he was twelve. “I thought it was for me to take all my anger and frustrations out on myself, but I noticed the scars it leaves will always remind me of my mistakes.”

Sidney is 14 and has been cutting since she was nine. “Those scars are there forever and every time I see them I’m going to be so sad about why I [cut].”

Cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat.

Not only are you left with scars for the rest of your life, it’s also very possible to get infections from cutting with something that is dirty or not sterile. It is also extremely possible to misjudge the depth of a cut, actually requiring stitches or even hospitalization. You can pass out or even bleed to death. You don’t want to die, I’m sure of that. Let’s face it, cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat, or remember.

3) A Sick Web of Addiction

Most cutters never intend to become addicted to it. Liz said, for her, cutting was worse than drugs because she wanted to do it all the time. “You don't care where you are—it's almost like you can't go on without it.”

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it. Your brain starts to connect the false sense of relief from bad feelings with cutting. The next time you feel the pressure building, your brain craves this relief. The urge to cut can seem too hard to resist. Your attempt to feel a sense of control over your life has ended up controlling you.

JS commented about how all through high school she would try to stop, but then would go back to it shortly after. “Then I would feel horrible when I finished cutting. The highs weren’t lasting as long and the crash was even worse. So I began cutting more, deeper, and more frequently. Being very interested in psychology I knew the chemical reasons, but I was already hooked and couldn’t stop.”

You know I care about you very much—enough to tell you the truth. But let’s get down to it. If you are a cutter, it’s time for you step back and take a good look at what you’re doing to yourself. It’s time to tell yourself the truth.

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it.

Are you addicted to cutting?
Does the cutting actually help you deal with the emotional pain you’re going through, or does it just cover it up?
Do you feel more worthless and stupid the more scars you see on your body?
Are your friends worried about your cutting?
Do you spend large amounts of time trying to hide your cutting?
Have you told yourself you want to quit, but can’t?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you or someone you know, desperately needs to read next week’s blog. It could be a life-changer.

I still want to hear from you. What healthy ways have you learned to deal with your emotional pain? Please let me know how you have escaped from the addiction of cutting. We’re going to talk about this next week.

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120. How to Quit Cutting

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118. What Happens To Your Body When You Cut?

118. What Happens To Your Body When You Cut?

Dawson — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:00:00 GMT

You don’t have to stay stuck in the vicious circle of self-mutilation.

If you’ve read any of my last couple of blogs about cutting, you know cutting is very difficult to talk about. That’s why so few people do. But you and I have talked about many things with my blogs and on my radio show. And there’s no reason to pretend—the fact is that cutting is not only popular, but is also destroying many lives. Hopefully that life is not yours. But if it is, help can be on the way. You don’t have to stay stuck in the vicious circle of self-mutilation.

If you’re a cutter, you might think it’s helping you feel better about the deep emotional pain you feel. But the truth is: cutting is a counterfeit helper. It promises relief from the hurt you’re feeling, but it only ends up making the heartache even worse. If your thumb hurts, it doesn’t make sense to cut off your foot. In the same way, making yourself bleed is no way to take care of your very real emotional and spiritual needs. You cutting yourself merely covers over the deeper emotional pain you’re feeling. But like every other addiction, it’s far too much medicine for the sickness, and will come back to haunt you. Nonetheless, you or someone you know cuts for the benefits you get from it. In fact, as someone once said, for every thrill…there is a chill. So let’s not deny, with cutting there is some kind of a thrill.

For every thrill…there is a chill. So let’s not deny, with cutting there is some kind of a thrill.

So...what happens to your body when you cut?

You Trigger Your Body’s Chemistry
The body naturally produces a chemical compound called endorphins. Endorphins are released to help the body deal with pain and stress. In fact, endorphins cause an actual high designed to cover over real physical pain. And cutting causes real physical pain. You might have heard of “runners high”? This is simply the release of endorphins into the bloodstream when someone puts their body through something extremely physically challenging. This high, or euphoria, is extremely addictive. Much of the same thing happens when you cut. Your brain is flooded with endorphins, which gives you a rush, and a sense of calmness and relief that makes you feel like everything is ok. Some cutters claim the high can last up to 90 minutes…but what happens when that high wears off?

Sarah S. understands this chemical dependency, after being addicted to cutting for six years. “Your body has its own pain management using hormones called endorphins. Endorphins manage physical pain, as well as emotional. When someone cuts, endorphins are released and helps [cover up] the emotional and physical pain. It will make you feel better for a few minutes and then you will crash again. Eventually your body will build a tolerance to it and you will have to cut deeper and/or more frequently and more cuts at one time to get the same effect as before.”

Your brain is flooded with endorphins, which gives you a rush, and a sense of calmness and relief that makes you feel like everything is ok.

So in the end, cutting is rather simple to explain. It’s someone like you or me, who uses self-inflicted pain to get a high, in order to self-medicate our pain with a temporary feel good. The problem is the feel good quickly can turn to a feel bad, or worse, to an addiction.

Megan says she got addicted to the physical high of cutting as an early teen. “I started cutting in junior high because a girl who was cooler than me was doing it. I kept on doing it because it helped with my pain that I was having from school or my family, or later from my eating disorder. I’m 20 years old and I realize now that I cut for a bit of a high, but I don’t have that urge to feel that high anymore.”

The problem is thefeel good quickly can turn to a feel bad, or worse, to an addiction.

Megan doesn’t feel the urge to get the cutter’s high anymore. How did she stop? One thing I know for sure, she came face to face with the consequences of cutting. And that’s what we’re going to do next week.

So please, if you have overcome the addiction of cutting, let me know how you had the moment of clarity that changed everything for you when it comes to cutting.

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119. Consequences of Cutting

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117. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 2

117. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 2

Dawson — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Cutting can be a substitute for anger toward someone else, usually an authority figure.

Well, you did it again. I received so many of your responses as to why you, or someone you know, cuts themselves. I’m blown away. Thank you! You gave so many reasons, I won’t be able to cover them all this week, but I promise to talk with you about as many reasons as I can find. Why am I doing that? Because helping you to know why you do what you do, is a great way to start you down the road to recovery. And trust me, every cutter can recover.

Last week, I gave you a general reason why people cut. If you are a cutter, you self-mutilate, causing pain to your body, to try to cover over an even deeper emotional pain. All cutters believe the physical pain they inflict upon themselves gives a temporary sense of relief from the intense emotional pain they are feeling. In this blog, I want to uncover a few more reasons why people cut. But keep in mind, you or someone you know, always cuts for some kind of relief. So let’s begin.

People cut to release anger, without hurting anyone else. Cutting can be a substitute for anger toward someone else (usually an authority figure). Many cutters admit to being in painful or abusive relationships. Most people in abusive relationships feel stuck, or imprisoned, in that relationship. They feel powerless, even though their rage and fear scream out to be released. Cutting gives them that sense of release.

Many people who cut say they feel they don't fit in or that no one understands them.

Janet uses cutting to release her anger.“Every time I get pushed in walls or thrown on the floor or chewed out for something I didn’t do, it makes me go to the bathroom where I keep my knife and I start cutting on my stomach and upper part of my legs so no one sees it. I wish I knew how to control this.” Janet does not understand although cutting herself does give her a feeling of relief, it too, causes her to feel trapped all over again.

People cut to deal with abandonment and loneliness. Many people cut because they feel so isolated, abandoned, and alone. If you are a cutter, there’s a good chance you are also a loner, and what you do is often in secret. You don’t feel like you fit in anywhere, and so you fit in to your own little world. Cutting brings some pleasure into that little world, giving a sense of purpose and something to do to feel better about your isolation or being rejected.

Cutting may feel like a way of "waking up" from a sense of numbness after a traumatic experience.

Ashley said she’s been a cutter for three years now. “I cut myself to ease the pain I feel when I think of my dad. My dad left me on my 11th birthday. He did not say bye or I love you or see you soon—nothing. So I began to cut my wrist. Then he came back on my 12th birthday drunk and then left two days later. About a week later I asked him why he left and he said he needed to drink. Then I cut myself everyday. Now I am 13 years old and I still cut myself over him.”

Ashley is so lonely and feels so neglected by the man she loves the most. She feels she has no place to turn but to herself, and those fleeting moments of relief cutting offers her. Can you identify with Ashley? I promise you, you or someone you know, most certainly can. There is hope for you. Be patient. I will be offering that hope in the coming weeks.

People who cut may have had a traumatic experience — such as living through abuse, violence, or a disaster. Often, when someone has been through a disaster, they become emotionally numb, or shut their emotions down in order to avoid reliving the pain, over and over again. While that seems like a good idea, it is a huge mistake. We are not designed to be emotional zombies, or to be dead inside. In the end, the cutter desperately wants something to help them feel alive. Sadly, cutting may feel like a way of "waking up" from this sense of numbness and emotional death they have put upon themselves. That is why it is so hard for many cutters to turn away from cutting. When they self-mutilate, it’s the only time they really feel alive.

Cutting may make you feel alive, for a while, but in the end, it delivers its own sense of deadness and worthlessness.

Jennifer powerfully describes how she uses cutting to deal with her trauma. As you read her comments, ask yourself, is she describing me? “Approximately nine years of continuous sexual abuse has left me with an irreversible impulse to destroy myself in whatever way possible. I hate myself for something that I couldn't control, something that was not my fault, but I don't persecute my abuser, only myself. The plethora of emotions are all turned inward. The scars on my arms are permanent tattoos of worthlessness and pain. I can't cry anymore, so cutting does it for me."

Amber said cutting is not about the physical abuse but the internal. “I was molested once when I was younger and again when I was 16 on school property. I never turned the guy in and guilt about it drove me to cut even worse. I became addicted to the relief and escape cutting gave me from not having to feel so dead inside.” Cutting may make you feel alive, for a while, but in the end, it delivers its own sense of deadness and worthlessness. In a sense the so-called cure becomes far greater than the sickness.

Other Reasons People Cut:
• A lack of ability to express feelings
• To feel in control
• To cry out for help or get attention
• Self-hate or they think they deserve it
• Desperation
• Because of other mental health problems

You might see yourself in one or many of these reasons. Next week, I’m going to write about what physically and emotionally happens when you cut. Please continue to tell me your stories. As you tell your story, you are coming out of your emotional hiding place and saying you don’t want these horrible feelings to have control over you any longer. I am moved by your bravery.

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118. What Happens To Your Body When You Cut?

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116. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 1

116. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 1

Dawson — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Most people cut themselves to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain.

There is so much confusion around the horrific addiction of cutting. It’s hard for some people to understand why you, or someone you know, would repeatedly cut on purpose. With this blog series, I want to break through the confusion—and help those who practice cutting as a way of life. Last week, I wrote a general overview of what cutting is. I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Why would anyone do such a thing as purposely cause pain to their bodies?” So let’s begin to uncover the reasons why so many people cut themselves.

Most cutters have never had any healthy emotional relationships.

As I have talked with hundreds of cutters, one major reason emerges over and over again:Most people cut themselves to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. If you or anybody you know is cutting, please understand cutting is just a cruel symptom of something much deeper and painful going on inside.

An anonymous blogger put it this way: “I used to cut because I felt like it was the only way to feel something other than the hurt and confusion and self-hate that was driving me insane. I would cut because I hated myself so much that I wanted to tear myself to pieces.”

Most cutters' ability to cope with life is overwhelmed by powerful emotions or extreme pressure that seem too intense to bear. Jenessa said she’s been a cutter for 7 years. “I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. I started cutting because I always thought that what happened was my fault. I have never gotten over it so I used to cope with any problem I had by cutting. Taking it out on myself was so much easier than figuring out what to do emotionally.”

Most cutter’s ability to cope with life is overwhelmed by powerful emotions or extreme pressure that seem too intense to bear.

When these emotions aren’t dealt with, tension builds up. Cutting can feel like a release of this tension. Rachel said cutting is a way for her to deal with her pain: “It’s an escape from reality. No matter how temporary it is it’s a relief to escape all the pain.”

Most cutters have never had any healthy emotional relationships, which leaves her without the ability to be able to express her pain to others. Without the words or outlet to express her emotional pain, she gives in to a short cut—a destructive physical expression toward herself. Laken said cutting is her first reaction when she feels disappointment or difficulty. “When I fail a test, when I get in a fight, when I am called a mean name, or when anything bad happens the first thought is to cut. It is horrible and I always fall back on it.”

By harming yourself you never really are able to confront your deepest feelings.

The physical pain has a calming effect on her more agonizing emotional pain. Cutting is the treating of one pain with another. A cutter’s life is one of choices between one kind of pain or a much greater one. Amy said: “It feels good when you have physical pain to take away from your emotional pain.”

The problem with cutting, as with any addiction, is that by harming yourself you never really are able to confront your deepest feelings. Perhaps that is you. You are using cutting to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. It is hard to say no to something that feels so good. But in the end, cutting will fail you every time.

Next week, let’s talk about this some more. Please continue to send me your stories. They are awesome and very helpful to me.

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117. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 2

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115. What Is Cutting?

115. What Is Cutting?

Dawson — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 07:00:00 GMT

The point of cutting is ultimately to cover over a much deeper emotional pain.

I have written over a hundred blogs since first starting to write for you. I have tried to blog on subjects I know are of great interest to you. I have been thinking about blogging on the subject of cutting for quite some time. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, so I have put it off. But I can put it off no longer. This secretive and incredibly harmful addiction is destroying too many lives. Maybe even yours. So bear with me as I try to help you. You may not have a cutting problem, but one out of five teenagers and over two millions Americans do. Whether you realize it or not, you know someone who is cutting. May these blogs help you, help them. Believe me, you will doing them a great favor.

While nearly half of all cutters have been sexually or physically abused at some point, almost all cutters admit they struggle with depression, anger, or extreme low-esteem.

What Is Cutting?

When a person injures herself on purpose by scratching or cutting her body with a sharp object—enough to make it bleed—it is called cutting. Cutters injure themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or even on their stomach. When the cuts heal, they leave nasty scars or marks. People who injure themselves usually hide these scars so that nobody else will see them. But the point of cutting is ultimately to cover over a much deeper emotional pain, far beyond the scars she is hiding.

This is why Samantha says she cuts: “Every time I cut, everything that I feel is GONE! This fall it will be three years that I have been addicted. And I can’t help it. I can’t go over two days without it. It is what brings me up so I don’t have to feel emotional pain, because I’ve learned physical pain is nothing compared to emotional.”

Most cutters admit their heart-breaking habit is something they learned from a friend.

Exact numbers of people who cut are difficult to come by, since most cutters conceal their addiction and injuries. Yet rates of cutting are much higher among younger people, with the average age starting around 12-years-old. And while nearly half of all cutters have been sexually or physically abused at some point, almost all cutters admit they struggle with depression, anger, or extreme low-esteem. Most, but not all cutters, are females. Still, 20% of those who cut are guys. Most people don’t know that an increase in cutting is associated with an increase in cigarette, drug, or alcohol use.

Please know there is always hope for you.

Most cutters admit their heart-breaking habit is something they learned from a friend. Christina admitted this is how she started: “I know a girl that started cutting a couple years ago. She was doing it because of some family problems, so I started doing it too, not because of what they said but because it's the only way for me to help myself deal with all of the feelings I hold inside.”

Facts, figures, and definitions are all fine. But if you are a cutter, you know the agony can not be described in numbers or words. You may be cutting and not even know why. Be patient with me, because next week I hope to help you understand why you cut. If you’re a cutter, please write and tell me why you do it. But more than anything, please know there is always hope for you.

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116. Why Do People Cut Themselves? Part 1

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114. The Value of Living an Honest Life

114. The Value of Living an Honest Life

Dawson — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:00:00 GMT

"When you're honest, you don't feel so lost all the time.”

The deeper we have gone into the subject of lying, the more we see how much pain and stress it causes everyone involved. Sadly, all of us have been affected by lying, whether our own or someone else’s. I’ve been encouraged by those who have been helped by these blogs and want to live an honest life.

Honesty Brings Peace
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You’re always running through the lies you’ve told in your head, trying to keep track of what you’ve told to which person, and what’s the next lie you need to tell. When you’re honest, you don’t have those worries, or the negative consequences of your lies. Sarah added:“When you're honest, you don't feel so lost all the time.”

Lying is the best way to destroy any trust someone might have in you.

Roiselyn also commented: “I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life. The fact you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on for lying puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has the better outcome than a bunch of lies.”

Honesty Builds Trust
People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can’t. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn’t. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. As you begin to live lie-free, you will begin to see people will trust and respect you more and more.

If you resist the temptation to lie, you increase your capacity to build lasting relationships of trust. This is true in all our relationships—whether it’s dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: “The truth always comes around. It’s always best to be honest—it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy.”

“Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying.”

Honesty Builds Integrity
Integrity is a word few use, and less understand. Yet if you have it, it is priceless. If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk—you do what you say you’re going to do, and when you say something, people know you mean what you say. It means you can be trusted. The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy—saying one thing and doing another.

Someone commented about the value of being honest: “I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay.” This person has come to realize the pain of hypocrisy and the joy of integrity. When we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger everyday.

Are you willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity?

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you’re up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment, too.

Thanks for all your help with this powerful series on Lying. I couldn’t have done it without you.

My Next Topic…Dealing With Cutting My next topic is going to be extremely challenging, and I want to ask you to go even deeper and share with me your stories about Cutting. Are you a cutter? Have you struggled with cutting? Do you know someone who has? What made you start to do this? Please let me know. I look forward to hearing from you.

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115. What Is Cutting?

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113. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 2

113. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 2

Dawson — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 07:00:00 GMT

In my previous blog, I talked about three things to do to help you stop lying: Admit you have a problem, Remind yourself of how lying messes up your life, and Tell someone when you lie. As promised, I want to give you a few more solutions to help put an end to this dreadful habit.

Deliberately broken promises are lies that lead to broken hearts.

Be realistic about what you promise others. Deliberately broken promises are lies that lead to broken hearts. Many lies begin as a way to cover up the fact we can’t possibly do everything we said we were going to do. Be honest about what you’re capable of doing, admitting to yourself and others your limitations, and you won’t feel a need to lie.
Talk to others about their expectations of you. You may have parents, friends or teachers who you think are expecting too much out of you. This causes you to feel like you must lie about how you’ve fallen short of their expectations. Come to agreement about what is reasonable for them to expect, without selling yourself short. Kierra said: “When I was 15, I lied to my parents all the time and it definitely affected their trust with me. Now I’m almost 19 and I’m still rebuilding the trust I have with them. It’s not an easy thing to get back once you break it.”

Wrong actions almost always lead to lies.
Try to figure out what pressured you to lie. What were you trying to hide? What would have been a better way to tell the truth? For example, all addicts feel they must lie to cover up their addiction. The more they cover up their addiction, the better they get at lying, and deceiving. Almost every lie has a reason behind it. Why we lie, it may feel like a good reason, it’s just not a good enough one. Wrong actions almost always lead to lies. The reason Hannah lies is to control people around her. That in itself can be an addiction. “I try not to lie but if I see someone that I like pulling away from me because they think I’m weird I’ll start telling lies to get me closer to them. I end up living this horrible lie.”

The more we tell others the truth, the easier it is to continue to do it.
Practice telling the truth.When you start to feel the urge to lie, stop and think for a moment. Think about what the other person would feel about you if they knew you were lying. Think about how you would feel if people lied to you all the time. And then, as painful as it may seem, tell the truth. The more we tell others the truth, the easier it is to continue to do it. Lying is a bad habit. Telling the truth is a good habit. Work on breaking your bad habit by replacing it with a good one. Angel said: “It spreads like wildfire when someone is caught lying. Then when the person is actually telling the truth, no one will believe them because they have told so many lies. For the sake of your family, friends, and loved ones—always tell the truth even if you are afraid of the outcome!"

The freedom of the truth will be liberating.
Commit to a life of honesty, at all costs. Telling the truth might be horribly uncomfortable for you, but you’re starting to walk down a path of honesty and integrity, turning yourself into the person you desire to be. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t lie and make something up. Say, “I don’t know.” The freedom of the truth will be liberating. Kerry said: “I've seen what lying can do. I try to be as honest with people as I can, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings any more than the next person does. But even though the truth hurts, deceiving someone hurts a lot more. And being honest has made my life so much happier.”

As you wake up to the reality of what you’re saying and doing, you will soon quit it altogether. I promise, if you put forth effort to stop this toxic and destructive habit right now, you’ll be grateful for the rest of your life.

My last blog in this topic will be next week as I write about the value of living an honest life. What do you think are the rewards of being honest? Please let me know your thoughts. I really like putting your quotes in my blog! Your ideas and experiences help make my blog so much better. Thank you for your contribution.

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114. The Value of Living an Honest Life

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112. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 1

112. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 1

Dawson — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 07:00:00 GMT

There's no question lying is a horribly destructive habit. And any destructive habit leads to painful consequences. When we choose to lie, we choose to suffer. Think how much better off we’d be if we would stop lying and live in the truth. Listen to the words of Jennifer: “I was lied to my whole life by my mother—everyday it was something new. After living with her for 14 years, I sometimes find myself exaggerating, and making up stories to seem cool. I don’t ever want to be like my mother, so how do I stop before I hurt my family, friends, and myself?”

Once we see how easy it can be to lie, we start sliding down that slippery slope leading to a miserable, addicted place.

Jennifer realizes lying can go from one generation to the next. One hurt person will then hurt another person, because the curse of lying is not stopped. Once we see how easy it can be to lie, and to control what other people think about us, we start sliding down that slippery slope leading to a miserable, addicted place. So the most important question we can ask today is: How do we stop lying?

Admit you have a problem. This is always the first, biggest, and most difficult step. Find someone you trust and tell them about your lying habit—no matter how big or small you think the problem is. The fact is you don’t want to do it anymore, but you can’t stop doing it alone. Megan said: “When I met the man who is now my husband, I knew I needed to work on [my lying] because I wanted/needed to be completely truthful with him. I told him that I wanted his help, and was amazed that he loved me enough to stick with me (even the few times I lied to him) and fight it out with me.”

Find someone you trust and tell them about your lying habit—no matter how big or small you think the problem is.

Remind yourself how lying messes up your life. (Read last week’s blog about how lying hurts you for more on this.) The law of consequences (“You reap what you sow”) can be a powerful deterrent in breaking the tragic habit of lying. Phillip suffered the consequences of his lying in a big way: “I used to lie all the time, and I would normally end up getting caught in the end. It took me going to prison to find out that the truth is a much better way to go then to lie about everything.” Think how many lives could’ve been protected from disaster if we just stopped and asked ourselves, “What are the consequences going to be of what I say or am about to do?”

"What are the consequences going to be of what I say or am about to do?”

Tell someone when you lie. Admitting a lie can make a world of difference, and while it might hurt your pride, it’s far better than being a liar. Even better, when you realize you have lied, confess to the person you lied to immediately and seek their forgiveness. This is humbling, but it will cause you to stop and think before you tell another lie. Someone once said, “Confession is good for the soul.” And it also good in helping us break bad habits. It would also be extremely wise to confess your lying before God. After all, He’s heard every lie you’ve ever told. Alison said: “I used to lie to my old boyfriend. So with my new boyfriend I promised myself I wouldn't and I have done a good job at it. I still only lie to my parents because they freak out when I tell them—so why do it?” Alison has missed the point of confessing her lying to her parents. Her parents may freak out, but that is a far smaller consequence than her living a life of lies in front of them. She would be far happier if she lived the truth and put this lying behind her.

When you realize you have lied, confess to the person you lied to immediately and seek their forgiveness.

Let’s be honest—it is going to be very difficult to stop lying. Claudia admitted: “I have learned that when you start lying it is hard to stop. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get over a habit that has been a big part of your life.” Claudia is right. That’s why next week I will give you some more solutions on how to stop lying.

Please send me your comments on how you’ve learned to stop lying. I can’t wait until next week. Your friend, Dawson.

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113. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 2

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111. How To Know If Someone Is Lying To You

111. How To Know If Someone Is Lying To You

Dawson — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Nobody wants to be friends with someone who lies.

Believing a lie can cause all kinds of confusion and hurt. Many a person’s reputation has been trashed by someone else’s lie, and others believing the lie. So how can you be aware so you will know when someone is lying to you? It’s not going to be completely possible to know every time someone lies, but you can learn to see the signs and read the signals so you’re not completely in the dark when someone lies to you (and they will!).

Ericka told me about some of the pain caused by the lying of her ex-husband: “I have two young children (3 & 1) and just left their father because he was addicted to gambling. I always thought that cheating would be the worst, but I soon discovered that along with gambling came lie after lie. Our relationship was never going to improve without trust.” Discovering his lying earlier could possibly have saved Ericka and her children some needless pain. Would that be possible? I believe it is possible—by figuring out how to know if someone is lying to you.

Lying is a stressful behavior, and it causes people to act differently when they lie.

We’ve all seen people take lie detector tests on TV or in the movies. It is an effective instrument, not because it can tell right from wrong, but because it can reveal when a person’s body is reacting in a stressful manner. Because lying is so wrong, it can cause stressful behavior—showing signs we can detect through body language.

You can tell how someone reacts to stress more effectively if you know how they act in normal circumstances. Notice normal eye, hand and body movements, and facial expressions during regular conversation. Then you can better notice when the body language changes—showing the stress of lying.

One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking at their eyes.

One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking into their eyes. Most people who are lying have a difficult time holding eye contact with the person they’re lying to. Jenna and Kathryn both agree. Jenna said: “It is hard to tell when people are lying to you. But in my case I found that when someone is lying they don't give you eye contact.” Kathryn said she used to date a guy who constantly lied, and was really good at it: “But I could tell by looking at his eyes when he would lie to me.”

Other Signs Someone May Be Lying:
-A lying person may become tense and freeze up while telling the lie. Others may move their body way more than normal.
-A lying person may appear uncomfortable – fast eye blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing hard, fidgeting, etc.
-A lying person may look up and to the right.
-A lying person may touch their nose, or cover up their face or mouth.
-A lying person may often raise the pitch or speed of their voice.
-A lying person may present a wide-eyed, innocent look.
-A lying person may create noticeable pauses in the conversation as they are trying to come up with something to say.
-A lying person often tells a different version of their original lie the second time around.

Usually if it feels like a lie, it probably is.

You’re not always going to be able to discover if a person is telling you the truth. But you may be able to tell if a person feels like he is lying. And usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is. More on this next week as I address how to help yourself or a friend stop lying.

For now, please tell me your story about how you’ve gotten rid of the horrible habit of lying. It will help me so much as I’m writing my next blog.

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112. How To Stop Lying, Pt. 1

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110. How Lying Hurts You

110. How Lying Hurts You

Dawson — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:00:00 GMT

My blogs about of lying have generated a tremendous response. It seems everyone has been affected one way or the other by lies. Everyone agrees lying is a destructive habit that hurts you and everyone around you. This week, I want to talk about the powerful and damaging effects of lying. So how does lying hurt all of us?

Everyone agrees lying is a destructive habit that hurts you and everyone around you.

Lying Destroys Relationships
If you’ve ever been lied to, you know how difficult it can be to ever trust that person again. You can’t help but wonder why a friend or family member would treat you so poorly. I received a comment from Brooke, who said:“My dad lies to us (my brothers and I) about going out to bars and drinking. He doesn't think we will find out but he is always wrong! I tell him how much it hurts us each time he does lie but he just keeps on lying. The worst lie he has told me was that he was with my brother and not at the bar—but I was with my brother.”

When you lie, even if you think others will never find out, you will almost certainly create a barrier of hurt in your relationship. Rebecca said: “I am a single mom of a teenage daughter. Her continuous lies have created a huge barrier in our relationship. I always catch her in lies and it hurts. The lying escalated to sneaking around doing things with friends I don’t approve of and that hurts.”

Unfortunately, when the other person finds out about your lying, and they usually do, it’s nearly impossible to regain trust. This has been Ally’s experience. She said:“Once someone has lied to you, it somehow always happens again.”

Unfortunately, when the other person finds out about your lying, and they usually do, it’s nearly impossible to regain trust.

Jessie said: “When I was little, I told lies all the time, and never felt guilty about them. But then something happened that I needed to tell someone about, and nobody believed me. My early lying paved the way for years of heartache. Now, I never lie. Ever. It's just not worth it. When you need the trust of others that you've lost, it's the worst feeling in the world.”

So what do you want your relationships to be based on? Lies that you tell, in order to protect yourself, or to avoid conflict? Or do you want relationships to be based on a commitment to honesty and integrity, regardless of the hard times? It’s up to you to decide.

When you lie, it’s like putting a giant rock on your back and having to carry it around everywhere you go.

Lying Destroys You
When you continue to lie, it’s like putting a giant rock on your back and having to carry it around everywhere you go. It is a relationship destroyer that ends up destroying you.

A fellow blogger wrote to me about his problem with lying: “I have a lying problem and it has been causing issues ever since I was a little kid. The worst part is how I have to constantly break ties with people so I won't get caught in the lies I've told. So time and time again I find myself all alone, with no friends and a lot of places I have to avoid. And I can't even blame anybody else because it's my fault for telling those lies in the first place and then not being able to face up to them.”

Lying destroys us because it takes us into a vicious cycle that is extremely difficult to get free from. Once you tell a lie, you usually have to lie again to cover up the first lie, and you feel even worse. Steven H. said: “Lies grow, they never stand alone, they need more lies to support the first lie. So, if you don't fess up immediately...it grows like a cancer. It cannot be stopped.”

Whitney said: “For me lying is like a drug, an addiction. I have become used to lying—it comes out without me even thinking or realizing I am doing it. To me, lying is so bad I sometimes think I’m lying to myself.”

It’s time for you to make a bold decision to never let lies have any part of your life.

People who are trapped in a cycle of lying become controlled by fear—a fear of not only being found out as a liar, but also having the truth uncovered about themselves. Jordan said: “I've lied to my parents a lot. The know almost nothing about me, except for who I pretend to be—I wish I could clear the air with them but I know they wouldn't accept the true me, so instead I lie to please them. I wish I had told the truth.”Jordan fails to understand that he can clear the air with his parents and have the freedom of walking in the truth.

It all comes down to this: Lying comes with a huge cost—it destroys lives. Relationships will crumble and people will refuse to trust you. But the person most hurt by your lying is you. It’s time for all of us to make a bold decision to never let lies have any part of our lives. Are you up for it? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with lying. How can you tell if someone is lying to you? That’s our topic for next week. I look forward to hearing from you.

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111. How To Know If Someone Is Lying To You

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109. The Different Kinds of Lies You Tell

109. The Different Kinds of Lies You Tell

Dawson — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 07:00:00 GMT

No one would deny that lying is a bad habit. Yet many people are clueless as to how big of a problem it is. Sadly, lying can become an unconscious and destructive habit. Let’s talk about the different kinds of lies and see if you recognize them.

Types of Lies

White lies: A white lie is often called the least serious of all lies. People tell white lies claiming to be tactful or polite. For example, it could be making up an excuse for not going to a party, or showing appreciation for an undesirable gift. But telling white lies after awhile can cause conflict with others because over time they understand the insincerity. That is why white liars can lose their credibility.

Patterns of white lies made over time can create distance between you and others, and destroy your credibility.

Brandon admitted: “Sometimes I say I have plans to do something when I don’t, just to get out of having to tell someone I don’t want to go with them. It seems like the better option, than saying ‘I don’t like you.’” There are other ways Brandon could turn down somebody’s offer than telling a white lie.

Sheriah said:

“I only lie when I tell people I am doing good when I am sad or depressed. I tell them that because I don't want people knowing about what I go through and how my personal life is.”

By telling this white lie she is showing disrespect for the person who asked a question about her.

Broken promises: Broken promises are a failure to keep one’s spoken commitment or promise. Broken promises can be especially damaging when the person who made the promise had no intentions whatsoever of keeping their word to begin with.

A fellow blogger wrote: “I told a girl I know that I’d go with her to the game even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to go. I wasn’t trying to hurt her, but I didn’t know what else to do.” What my friend doesn’t understand is that lying to the girl and breaking the promise does double damage, causing hurt feelings that could have been avoided. By breaking his promise he did great damage to her hope. She no doubt was all excited about going to the game with him, only to have her hopes dashed. Broken promises can lead to broken lives.

Fabrication: Fabrication is telling others something you don’t know for sure is true. Fabrications are extremely hurtful because they lead to rumors that can damage someone else’s reputation. Spreading rumors is not only a lie but is also stealing another’s reputation.

Paul wrote: “I admit that I love spreading rumors. It’s all about telling lies about someone you don’t like. It usually works.”

Bold-faced lie: A bold-faced lie is telling something that everyone knows is a lie. It’s simple and sometimes cute for a little child to tell a bold-faced lie about not eating any cookies, even though there’s chocolate all over his or her face. As we get older, we try to be more clever with our cover-ups. Some people never grow up and deal with their bold-faced lying even though others know what they're saying is completely false. When people hear a bold-faced lie they are resentful that the liar would be so belittling of their time and intelligence.

Spreading rumors is not only a lie but is also stealing another’s reputation.

Sara said: “I hate lying. Especially when I know everybody knows I’m lying. I feel so dumb.” Sara isn’t the only one who feels dumb. The people she lies to could also feel the same way.

Exaggeration: Exaggeration is enhancing a truth by adding lies to it. The person who exaggerates usually mixes truths and untruths to make themselves look impressive to others. An exaggerator can weave truth and lies together causing confusion even to the liar. After awhile the exaggerator begins to believe his or her exaggeration.

Amber confessed she thinks exaggeration actually helped her: “I'm not good at really anything, so I lie about stupid things so that I sound like there is more to me.” An exaggerator is a tragic person because he or she feels so little about themselves that they have to make up stories to look good to others.

Deception: A deceiver tries to create an impression that causes others to be misled, by not telling all the facts, or creating a false impression.

Jon admitted he was a deceiver: “Sometimes I don’t like being seen as smart, so I’ll joke around about how smart I am just to try and get people to think that I’m not that smart. It works sometimes. It doesn’t feel like lying, I guess I’m just pretending to be something I’m not.”Causing deception is a powerful and hurtful tool. It can be very subtle yet deadly.
When people hear a bold-faced lie they are resentful that the liar would be so belittling of their time and intelligence.

Plagiarism: Plagiarism is both stealing and lying. It consists of copying someone else’s work and calling it your own. Plagiarism is a very serious act. Some college and graduate students have even been kicked out of school because of it.

Scott asked a question and admitted his plagiarizing: “Is it lying to copy something from the internet and call it your own? I do this sometimes when working on a paper for school and I run out of time.” Scott seems to be confused about his plagiarizing. Yes Scott, it is lying. Just because it is easy to do does not make it right.

Compulsive lying: Compulsive lying is often caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention; in fact, the compulsive liar finds it all but impossible to stop. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better.

Bree said: “This guy I grew up with tells lies like its no tomorrow. What I don’t get is that I actually think he believes every word of the lie is true. I think it’s ridiculous.” It is more than ridiculous, it is a tragedy.

Have you ever told any one of these lies? Do you ever wonder if a person can get away with lying? Not really. You may be able to lie for a while, but in the end it will come back to haunt you. What starts as simple white lie over time can turn into a life-destroying habit. It’s important to know there is freedom in living and telling the truth. It may be difficult at first, but as Jesus said, “The truth shall set you free.”

Next week, I’m going to discuss how lying hurts you. Please comment below and tell me your story —either your own, or someone close to you.

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110. How Lying Hurts You

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108. Different Types of Lies and Liars

108. Different Types of Lies and Liars

Dawson — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Many of us are not aware of all the lies we tell.

Lying is almost always devastating. It hurts the person who is doing the lying, as well as the person being lied to. Sadly, it is all too common in most of our lives. Many of us are not aware of all the lies we tell. Still another person might lie all the time, afraid of other people finding out the truth about them. This develops a habit that continually drives someone to keep telling more and more lies—like Sara’s friend who damaged her willingness to trust anyone. “About two years ago, I became friends with a girl—I trusted every word she said. Too bad she was lying about everything. She never wanted to be my friend. She just wanted to come over to my house so she could fool with the guy across the street. She spread terrible rumors about me that were untrue and she [all but] destroyed my life. And to this day, I honestly don’t trust anyone.” What a tragedy. Lying can be lethal to our soul.

Jane commented to me about her own person struggles and heartbreak over her inner struggle with lying. She said: “I've tried very hard to be honest with everyone, but sometimes it doesn’t work. I lie mostly to my parents—trying to keep them proud of me and trying to be the perfect daughter everyone wants.” I understand there can be a lot of pressure inside your head telling you to try and control what other people think about you. This is what drives most people into telling lies.

Yet there are several different types of liars. This week I just want to touch on a few of them I think are the most important for you to know about. Perhaps you will find yourself in this list.

Four different types of liars

The occasional liar is not perfect, but is usually respected for his/her strong attempt at being a truthful person, and humble enough to admit their mistakes.

The Occasional Liar – These people seldom lie. But when they do they are blown away by their actions and feel guilty for what they have done. These types of people are the ones who are quick to seek forgiveness from the person their lied to. The occasional liar is not perfect, but is usually respected for his/her strong attempt at being a truthful person, and humble enough to admit their mistakes.

Jess’s comment explains more about the occasional liar. “I usually lie when people ask me how I'm doing. I tell them I'm fine, but I'm actually depressed and stuff. I guess I usually lie out of fear though and it kills me inside to not let others know.” If we were all honest with ourselves, we would have to admit we are at least an occasional liar.

The Frequent Liar – The frequent liar goes about his/her life lying every which way. This person is not concerned about covering his tracks, or making sure his lie makes sense. Everybody knows this person is lying because he is sloppy with his lies. This person has very few friends, because people get sick of his obviously twisted stories.

Kiley, with her own confession, admits to being a frequent liar. “I'm not good at sports or speaking in public and I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world. So, I lie to sound interesting. I lie about silly stuff like how old I am, the people I know, or how awesome everyone thinks I am. Which...no one thinks that about me. There are some smart people out there that can see what I am trying to do.”

After being found out, the smooth liar tends to move on to others to whom he can apply his dark talents.

The Smooth Liar – The smooth liar is just what their description sounds like—this person has become very smooth and skilled at telling lies. There are those that say they can pick out a liar every time, but that’s not necessarily so when it comes to the smooth liar. This liar is so good with words and body language people tend to believe him even when they know he has a reputation of being a liar. Yet, all the time, the smooth liar knows he’s lying. These people are fun to be around, and very entertaining, but after being found out, the smooth liar tends to move on to others to whom he can apply his dark talents.

KeIsea commented to me about a guy she dated who was the very definition of a smooth liar: “I dated a guy who constantly lied to me. He would cheat on me with other girls all the time. At first, I was really upset. But it seemed he knew the right things to say to get me to come back every time. I got to the point where I didn't care anymore as long as I had him, and as long as he spent time with me—because that made me feel like he cared.”

The Compulsive Liar – This person lies when they don’t have to, even if telling the truth makes more sense than the lies they tell. These people have an addiction to lying, and they simply cannot stop. They are out of control. They spend hours studying situations trying to come up with more lies that will allow them to maintain all their previous lies. These people are totally untrustworthy and end up unable to keep friends. A compulsive liar ends up a lonely, sad person who tragically lies the most to their own self.

Angela commented about how her compulsive liar husband has ruined her life. “He would lie about where he was going (when he was actually going to other women’s houses), he would lie about phone calls and text messages (running our phone bill to over $300), he lies about money (taking it, spending it, leaving me with nothing to support our child), and he's broken several promises to me (even though he knows how much they mean to me).”

Look back at these different types of liars and ask yourself “Which one of these best describes me?” Then ask yourself the most difficult question of all: “How can I quit being a liar. I will talk with you more about how to quit lying soon.

Please tell me your story about how you’ve been affected by either your own lying, or someone else’s lying. It will help me so much as I’m writing about this incredibly complex topic.

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109. The Different Kinds of Lies You Tell

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107. What Is Lying & Why Do We Do It?

107. What Is Lying & Why Do We Do It?

Dawson — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Most everybody, at one time or another, has lied. Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time. Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don’t feel they have to. Everybody lies, but few understand what lying is, what it does, and how to stop it.

* How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
* Who did you tell the lies to?
* Why did you tell the lies?
* How do you feel about the lies you told now?

Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It’s an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.

Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it they won’t get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it. It takes years of watching people tell lies, and the results of these lies, to develop a proper understanding.

Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else’s feelings, for example someone may say to another: That sure is a pretty dress! when the person knows it’s ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.

There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. I want to spend a few weeks diving into this powerful issue, as it seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying—whether it’s their own, or someone else’s. Let’s begin by defining what lying is:

Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It’s an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.

We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way.

Julie asked, “Why does the world lie?” This is a great question—with many answers.

It was Tad Williams who said, “We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.”

Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire—sex, money, status, power, love, etc. But many times, a person will lie because of pride or fear. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. This is sometimes done by simply creating a fascinating, even if completely false, story.

The big problem with lying is that it becomes an addiction.

People also lie when they are afraid of what would happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As often said about political scandals: “It’s not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.”

Maybe someone you know will lie simply to get what they want. Lori said: “I’m young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel.” Probably the word love is used in more lies than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), “I love you,” simply to get the other person emotionally stirred-up, so they can be more easily manipulated.

Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it’s easy!

Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you’ll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.

The big problem with lying is that it becomes an addiction. When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves constantly trying to remember their lies, and then creating more lies to cover their previous lies. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It’s a sick and tragic cycle that doesn’t ever have a happy ending.

Linda wrote: “It's so easy for people to tell lie after lie after lie, but when they fall deeper into their tangled web of lies they almost always find themselves in an even worse situation than they were before. It's so much better to tell the truth in any situation, rather than try to lie your way back to the truth.”

I’ll close with some good advice from Stephanie: “Don’t get yourself caught up in lies—because in the end they will hurt you.” She’s right. Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you’ll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.

Next week I want to uncover the different types of lies and liars. As always, I’m going to need your help. Please tell me your story about how you’ve been affected by either your own lying, or someone else’s lying. Tell me everything you know about lying. It will help me so much as I’m writing about this difficult, but powerful, topic.

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108. Different Types of Lies and Liars

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106. SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

106. SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

Dawson — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

We have reached the top of the mountain—the end of our journey through the 50 most pressing questions you have had about the opposite sex. If you look over the past 24 blogs (we’ve done two questions per blog), you’ll have a great resource to help you get through any questions or confusion you might have regarding any important relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Before we begin a new topic next week, let’s answer these two final questions.

QUESTION #49) Michael asked: “What is the thinking of those who are either dating or just going to the prom? It is my way of thinking if someone is dating, they should be considering getting married sometime in their future, and the same for the prom. Is it just a cool social thing to do, or a really serious time of considering your future?”

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart.

DAWSON: Michael, you’re blowing my mind. You obviously are a serious thinker who has come to some radical, but amazing conclusions. Most guys don’t put that much thought or consideration into what they are doing when they take out a girl. Yes, dating can be a very serious matter. It can be serious stuff because when two people start sharing their lives together in an intimate way, feelings and emotions get intensified, making it easier for people to get hurt. But, dating can also be a very meaningful and fun—and a great way to learn about yourself.

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart. By heart I mean, the very core of their emotions—the place where they really live. They’re not careful of who they date, or what they do, as long as they feel like they are in love, or someone cares about them. People who don’t guard their hearts are easily used by manipulators and their own emotions that spin out of control. Most people who don’t guard their heart end up in fast, emotional, destructive relationships. I have talked to so many people whose lives have been scarred, or permanently altered because of irresponsible dating. Dating is not a game, it is an activity where people can grow in personal relationships, or get themselves really hurt. I can’t say it enough, Michael, everyone needs to guard their heart so we don’t have any more emotional victims all around us.

Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be.

With that being said, I’d encourage you to not take dating (or even taking girls on special event dates like the prom) so seriously that it prevents you from having a good time and getting to know people from the opposite sex. There is a lot of fun to be had by just social dating—meaning, you’re not dating strictly one person, but just having good social times with different girls. It’s important to be clear about what you’re doing when you’re socially dating, and not trying to convince each girl she is the only one! Spending one on one time with someone of the opposite sex will be very helpful for you to learn what kind of woman you’d eventually like to marry, and will help you learn better how to treat the women in your life. Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be. But keep in mind you have to guard your heart.

QUESTION #50) Jody asked: “Sex – how far is too far in a dating relationship? My conscience has been bothering me.”

DAWSON: Your conscience is a really good indicator to let you know when you are, or someone else is, crossing your own personal boundaries and deep value system. You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards. It does, however, require you to set and follow clear standards for how far you will go on a date. Here are a few principles you may want to apply to your own dating relationships:

You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards.

The “Selfish Touch” Principle – this refers to touching someone in a way that arouses both their sexual and their deep emotional desires. If a guy (or it could just as easily be a girl toward a guy) touches a woman in a way that arouses her passion, he has acted selfishly and has gone too far.
The “Sex Controls the Date” Principle – Our lives should not be controlled or “mastered” by anything. If the physical or sexual part of your relationship is controlling or dominating your time together, then you’ve gone too far. The question to ask yourself is this: If you took all physical activity out of your relationship would there be enough left of that relationship to continue?
The “Sex Controls My Thoughts” Principle – Our minds should not be constantly dwelling on passion and sex. If what you do on a date causes you or your partner to constantly fantasize about sex, you have gone too far.
The “Does It Cause Me to Mislead” Principle – Any kind of sexual activity can lead your dating partner to believe you are more committed to him/her than you really are. If your sexual activity on a date has misled your partner concerning your true feelings and commitment, you have gone too far.
The “Ten Year Later” Principle – Anything you do today will have an effect for years to come. Will you be able to look your partner in the eye, or perhaps your current partner’s future spouse, ten years from now and be proud about how you treated him/her today? Your goal should be to leave the person you’re dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Your goal should be to leave the person you’re dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Thanks for all your help in making the “Top 50 Questions You Have About the Opposite Sex” a huge success. It’s been great to get to answer your questions, and then hear your thoughts on my answers.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Next week I’m going to begin a series about Lying—what it is, why we do it, what it does to us, how to stop doing it, and how to help a friend stop lying. And as always, I’m going to need your help. Please tell me your story about how you’ve been affected by either your own lying, or someone else’s lying. It will help me so much as I’m writing about this incredibly complex topic.

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107. What Is Lying & Why Do We Do It?

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105. How To Handle Mixed Signals

105. How To Handle Mixed Signals

Dawson — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

As we cruise through the 50 questions you have about the opposite sex, a major theme has emerged - It seems like everyone would love to be able to read the mind of the person they are interested in dating. Unfortunately, this isn’t possible. Besides, it would probably freak us out anyway! But what is possible, is to learn how to communicate more clearly and honestly what you are feeling. Only through time, difficulties and open and meaningful conversation can you begin to understand what your dating partner is really like. This big challenge is what both of this week’s questions are about.

You need to avoid flirt addicts at all costs.

QUESTION #47) Shelly asked: “My friend keeps saying things about how he likes me so much, and then next day, he acts like he doesn’t even see me.” And Bret asked: “There’s a girl I like who flirts with me sometimes and at other times she walks right past me.”

DAWSON: It sounds like you’re both dealing with emotional mixed signals, which quickly leads to confusion. Some people send mixed signals because they like to, and they’re good at it. For them, it is a power and ego trip. They’ll play the game with just about anybody because they’re hooked on the game. You need to avoid flirt addicts at all costs. Because in the end, you will get an emotional pie in the face. Let’s face it, you have enough drama in your life without asking for more.

That being said, many relationships are destroyed simply by a lack of clear communication. Without it, you can imagine all kinds of crazy things are going on in your friend’s head, when in fact, he or she may simply be thinking about some problem they are facing. When people are hurting, it’s easy for them to become preoccupied and walk right by the people who can help them the most.

The only way you can truly clear up the confusion is to talk about it.

Be careful to not read too much into the “signals” you pick up from guys or girls. Girls, you might be thinking a particular guy really likes you, when in fact, he’s just being friendly. Same with guys—just because she smiles at you doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you.

Guys, you need to be careful of sending the wrong signals to girls. When you touch or flirt with a girl she’s going to assume you’re interested in her. Be respectful of her, and yourself, by not sending these mixed signals. Remember, anyone can flirt. Ladies, you might be tempted to think you can’t be nice to another guy without worrying about how he’s going to interpret your kindness. Be yourself, but be careful about being overly sexy or a tease.

If you are getting one signal one day from a person you’re trying to date, and then the next day it’s another signal, you might not be on the same page about what kind of relationship you have, meaning that it’s probably time to have a talk and get to the bottom of it, or move on. In the end, the only way you can truly clear up the confusion is to talk about it. I would go to the person who is sending you mixed signals and face to face try to clear up the confusion. You might not like what you hear, but at least you won’t be in the dark with crazy imaginations.

The only way you can truly clear up the confusion is to talk about it.

QUESTION #48) Stephen asked: “What are some things I can do to show my girlfriend that I really love her. She says things like, ‘Sometimes I wonder if you really love me or not.’ And I do!”

DAWSON: If you really care about the person you are dating, it’s important for them to know how you feel. It’s sometimes easy to assume the person you love knows how you feel. Most guys don’t understand the power of words and the needs of some women for more assurance. In your mind, you told her you loved her three months ago—so she certainly remembers that, right? Ladies, most guys don’t get it when it comes to verbal and emotional assurances. So don’t overreact. Most men learn this over a long period of time. Guys, there are many things you can do and say to her show her that she’s very important to you. Trust me, she will love your efforts. Here are just a few simple ideas to communicate your affection for her.

1- Spend time with her.
2- Take an interest in the details of her life.
3- Smile, make eye contact.
4- Truly listen to her.
5- Buy her gifts from time to time – it doesn’t matter the size or price, it truly is the thought the counts.
6- Invite her to be a part of events with your other friends and family.
7- Surprise her with a special date night.
8- Help her with some of the everyday chores she faces (wash her car, etc.).
9- Be more open about how you feel – she wants to know what’s going on in your head and heart.

There are many things you can do and say to her show her that she’s very important to you.

Thanks for continuing to send your questions to me. I love hearing from you, and I look forward to answering the final two questions you have about the opposite sex.

Next week, I will also be introducing what my new topic is going to be. I promise you, it’s going to be very controversial. And as always, I’m going to need your help.

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106. SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

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104. Keeping A Relationship Alive

104. Keeping A Relationship Alive

Dawson — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Being in an on-going relationship is a great chance to learn about yourself, as well as the person you’re dating. The challenges and conflicts, if responded to in the right way, are opportunities to grow. These are chances to learn how to communicate and understand the other person, rather than just doing the easy thing, and running away. I hope our journey through the 50 questions I’ve answered about the opposite sex have helped you find new ways to make your dating relationships be successful. Here are this week’s questions.

QUESTION #45) Paul asked: “Do girls get bored in a relationship? My girlfriend used to be all flirty and into me, but now that we’ve been going out for a while, that’s all stopped. Is that normal?”

Flirting is usually used as a tool to get into a relationship, rather than to maintain it.

DAWSON: The situation you are in could be a result of a couple issues. It’s normal for the flirting to die down gradually after being in a relationship for a while. Flirting is usually used as a tool to get into a relationship, rather than to maintain it. Most relationships grow past that stage as the two people get to know each better. But if they don’t, that relationship usually dies. Maybe the two of you have never been in a relationship that has moved past this flirty stage. I wouldn’t assume she’s not interested in you, or that she’s found someone else. You are probably right—she might just be getting bored.

It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship fresh, interesting, and growing. This is true whether you are married or just dating. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut of doing the same things over and over. Most people spend most of their free time on the couch in front of the television and call it a life. They lose sight of the fact there are so many different and exciting options of how to spend their time.

This is why people are so frequently drawn to other people outside of their dating relationship. New people are so much more exciting and interesting. Then, once you get to know someone, and all their faults, and the relationship starts getting in the groove (or the rut!), the desire for something—or someone—more interesting, kicks in.

There are so many things you can do together to breathe new life into what might currently feel boring.

So have a talk with your girlfriend. Try to find out what she’s really feeling. Is she just being immature, or have you let the relationship become predictable and boring. You might want to surprise your girlfriend by going with her to new places, experiencing with her new things, and talking about interesting things. Spend time with other people, and find out what they enjoy doing. Take up a hobby or volunteer at a nursing home together, etc. There are so many things you can do together to breathe new life into what might currently feel boring. Just remember, any successful relationship takes a lot of work for both people.

QUESTION #46) Jody asked: “There is a guy who is very interested in dating me at the Bible college I go to. While he talks about great goals for ministry and theology, I am concerned by some of his movie choices—because when I looked them up, they were very, very sexually explicit. Is this one thing enough grounds to not date this guy? I do not want our relationship to move too fast if he has a skewed view of intimacy based on the movies he watches.”

A relationship that moves too fast usually crashes and burns.

DAWSON: That is an excellent question. It speaks to your own maturity and spirituality. The fact is, you don’t want any relationship to move too fast. A relationship that moves too fast usually crashes and burns. I applaud your desire to be concerned about what a potential boyfriend allows to influence him. Because in the end, you will end up marrying someone who started out to be your boyfriend. You can’t be too cautious. Who you marry is the second most important decision you will ever make.

There is no question entertainment, and culture in general, affect a person’s view of women and intimacy. I would take your discovery of sexually explicit movies very seriously. We all are deeply influenced by what we allow ourselves to see. For all you know, your potential boyfriend, whether or not he goes to a Bible college, could be addicted to porn.

I would confront this guy straight up about his lifestyle. If he refuses to change, don’t waste your time with him, because before you know it, your relationship will all be about sex. I have a simple rule about marriage: Never marry an addict, because he already loves his addiction more than you, and you can’t have three in a relationship.

It’s always good for you to have standards and guidelines for the person you date.

Remember, it’s always good for you to have standards and guidelines for the person you date. So many people get hurt. Some people are scarred for life because they end up dating just anybody. If you decide to start dating this guy and he’s not able to hold up his end of the deal, and respect your wishes, then you’ll have your answer. But you’ll never know unless you first communicate your hopes and concerns with him.

We’ve only got two more weeks left of answering the most pressing questions you have about the opposite sex. I can’t imagine you’ve had all your questions answered—so please send me your question in the comment area below and come back next week to see my new answers!

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105. How To Handle Mixed Signals

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103. Should Race or Skin Color Affect Who You Date

103. Should Race or Skin Color Affect Who You Date

Dawson — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

This sounds like a typical “Romeo & Juliet” kind of scenario—two people from different backgrounds or cultures coming together to prove to the world that love can rise above all our differences.

Sometimes it may seem like everything is working against you just to make relationships even more difficult. Other people seem to make it look so easy, right? If you only knew what people went through in their own lives, you’d see how challenging all relationships can be. It takes a lot of focus and commitment to make one last. One of these difficult challenges is brought up in Brandon’s question here.

QUESTION #43) Brandon asked: “How do you have a bf/gf relationship with the opposite sex without worrying about their race or skin color becoming a problem?"

DAWSON: Dating someone of a different race can be a challenge, but not necessarily for the two people dating each other—it’s usually only a problem with people outside of the relationship. This sounds like a typical “Romeo & Juliet” kind of scenario—two people from different backgrounds or cultures coming together to prove to the world that love can rise above all our differences.

God made all of us, including the color of our skin. It’s more important to date someone who shares your same beliefs and values, than your skin color. If there are people in your life who don’t think you should date someone “different” than you, I suggest you talk to them and find out what their reasons are based on, and then explain how you have found someone who you really connect with on many different levels. While society might have a difficult time with interracial dating and marriage, you don’t have to live that way.

It’s more important to date someone who shares your same beliefs and values, than your skin color or race.

One word of caution: some people, while dating someone of another race, look at their relationship as one being under attack. So it is easy for the two of you to get wrapped up in an “Us vs. The World” mentality. The problem with that is sooner or later those who are against your relationship will quit caring about the race situation. Then the two of you will still have relationship issues to work out, without the emotion and drama of standing alone against the world. Sometimes without those “Us vs. The World” props, the relationship crashes because there was not enough foundation there to begin with.

One other thought: Some of the problems facing interracial dating are not related to skin color, but more to cultural differences. The question you should ask is: Can the two of us adapt to each other’s culture? Remember, cultural differences can be a big deal. Just be wise about who and why you’re dating, interracial or not.

QUESTION #44) Sarah asked: “I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year, and I know I love him but at times he just doesn’t seem to understand that I want time for friends and family.”

It’s easy to suffocate a relationship by demanding the other person always be there just for you. - Your friends and family will play an important role in helping you seeing more clearly if he’s the right guy for you.

DAWSON: It is a struggle to find a balance between time with the person you love and the other important people in your life. Hopefully you’ve tried to explain to your boyfriend the importance of having many friends, and not just focusing on one person. Your boyfriend needs to understand it’s easy to suffocate a relationship by demanding the other person always be there just for you. Remember love is not selfish or demanding. That being said, here are some questions you may want to ask yourself about this issue…

Have you included him in some of these other relationships? Or do you want to keep him separate from your interactions with other friends and family? He might be feeling like you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your relationship. There’s also a possibility that he doesn’t truly know how you feel about him, and he’s trying to get clues from you, based on how you spend your time. Try inviting him along with you when you spend time with your family and friends.

Unless, of course, you actually don’t want him to be involved in these other relationships. But if you are dating someone, and seeking to know them more fully, and possibly moving toward a much deeper relationship, your friends and family will play an important role in helping you see more clearly if he’s the right guy for you.

But don’t string him along. If you want to keep your relationship with him private, I’d tell him, and explain to him why you feel the way you do. He deserves to know at least that much. Just remember, whoever you choose to spend your life with, you will always face the challenge of giving each other the kind of time, together and apart, each partner needs and deserves.

We’re coming down the home stretch on our quest to answer the 50 most pressing questions you have about the opposite sex. Scan through the past 44 questions and send me something you haven’t seen answered yet. I’d love to answer your question!

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104. Keeping A Relationship Alive

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102. Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently Than Men

102. Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently Than Men

Dawson — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out their relationship.

It’s always fascinating to explore the differences between the genders. Let’s face it, no matter what anyone says, men and women are similar, but yet so different. In fact, there was a big selling book called Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus which spelled out very clearly what makes men different from women. These differences can cause so much confusion for people involved in a relationship. I am hoping to clear up some of this confusion by answering your 50 most pressing questions about the opposite sex. Here’s this week’s first question—same question, just asked in a different way by both a guy and a girl.

QUESTION #41) Phillip asked: “Why it is that women tend to have so much stronger emotions than men?” and Michaela asked: “When guys get emotionally hurt, why do they just brush everything off and wont talk with you about it?”

DAWSON: Unfortunately, society has told men it’s a sign of weakness to express their feelings—while it’s much more socially acceptable for women to talk about their feelings. That may be a reason why so many more men end up with heart attacks—they tend to hold everything inside. While every person is different, women tend to be more emotional than men. There’s nothing wrong with that. Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out their relationship. But while there are exceptions, it is equally true men tend to express their emotions differently than women.

Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex.

Women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling, and to demonstrate how they are feeling with their tears, facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language. Many women seem to be more comfortable figuring out how they feel by talking through it. Men, generally speaking, tend to process their emotions inwardly. Many times, they don’t know exactly how they feel, so they try to figure it out on their own—inside their head. Some men are afraid of their emotions and keep them buried inside in order to protect themselves from looking weak. Little do they know, that most women would accept and understand (and even appreciate!) an expression of their emotion.

Many of us are so hungry for attention—or what we feel is love—we are willing to do anything, or put up with anything in order to get what we think is love.

Men are also more physical, and tend to work out their emotions by finding solutions, and doing things. The harm is when men keep stuffing all their feelings inside, letting them simmer and brew, and potentially eat away at them—eventually coming out as anger. There are tremendous benefits to getting your thoughts and emotions out in the open, in the context of a safe relationship, and not letting them destroy you.

There are differences between the genders. Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex, rather than get frustrated about the differences. We ought to celebrate them. Just think, what if there were all women in the world, and no men? Or all men in the world, and no women? The world wouldn’t be a very fun place, would it?

QUESTION #42) Ashlee asked: “Is it truly love when you will do anything for the person you care about even when it hurts you in the process?”

DAWSON: You sound like you already know the answer to your question. Of course, the answer is no. Love does not demand you do things for the person in your life that would harm you in the end. Love gives, it does not take. Love heals, it does not hurt. Love builds up the other person, does not tear them down.

But you’re probably wondering why it is that you’re doing what you’re doing—why are you putting up with hurtful behavior from your boyfriend, and still calling it love? Unfortunately, many stuck in selfish and destructive relationships have never had real love shown to them. Many of us are so hungry for attention—or what we feel is love—we are willing to do anything, or put up with anything in order to get what we think is love.

Unfortunately, there are times when the person who is demanding we violate our own value system simply to please themselves, will show signs of changing, or even glimpses they really care about the other person. This is what makes it so confusing. The person being hurt thinks if they just love their partner more—perhaps being that one person in their life that never gives up on them—then they will stop the hurting. This won’t happen. Besides, this isn’t love, no matter what how much you feel it is.

If you find yourself doing things with your bf/gf that violate your own value system, get out of the relationship.

You need to protect yourself. If you find yourself doing things with your bf/gf that violate your own value system, get out of the relationship. Talk to someone you can trust about what’s happening in the relationship and let them help you get free. You can read more about what is an abusive relationship and what to do if you’re in one, in my blogs on this topic starting HERE (add link).

Thanks for your great questions. We’re going all the way to 50, so get your unanswered question to me now! And keep moving forward on your journey toward healthier and happier relationships with the opposite sex! There’s always hope!

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103. Should Race or Skin Color Affect Who You Date

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101. Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

101. Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

Dawson — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid—like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend.

I’m excited about the many questions you continue to ask me about the opposite sex. As you learn more and more about what makes a healthy relationship, and positive ways to address conflict, life will be so much more about love and understanding, rather than about hurt, confusion and drama. That’s my goal with these blogs. Here’s another amazing question.

QUESTION #39) John asked: “I’m going out with a girl right now, but I like another girl. My girlfriend suspects me, and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if I break up with her. What do I do?”

A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment.

DAWSON: This is partly a question about how to break-up with your girlfriend. But it also sounds like you are trying to deal with your true emotions in an honest way, and not let other people tell you what to do. Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid—like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend. Other times, they have their own selfish reasons for you to stay in a certain relationship. It’s good to listen to, and weigh the advice other people tell you. Find out why they want you to stay together with your girlfriend. They might have really good reasons, or they might not.

You might feel like you’re trapped in your current relationship, and you’re wondering if there’s anything there worth holding onto. You should communicate with your current girlfriend about what you’re feeling, instead of ignoring her, while you fantasize about this new girl. Honesty is always the best policy.

Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you.

I have to say, though, that just because you found a better girl who you are starting to like, doesn’t automatically mean it’s okay to dump your current girlfriend. A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment. You need to be careful what kind of reputation you could develop if you start going from one girl to the next. You’ll soon find most girls won’t bother to trust you with much of anything. Communicate with your current girlfriend, talk to friends you can trust, and strive to be the most committed, trustworthy boyfriend you can possibly be. After you’ve made your decision, hold your head high. Only you can answer for you.

QUESTION #40) Elizabeth asked: “When we first got together, my boyfriend told me he would never make comments about how attractive other women are, as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, ‘I’d do her’ or ‘She’s hot.’ Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?”

If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him.

DAWSON: Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you. It’s one thing to innocently comment about how attractive another person is, but it’s completely inappropriate to say things he’d like to do sexually with another person. It’s the height of disrespect. Your boyfriend is immature, at best. And a would-be player, at worst. Imagine if you were enjoying a great dinner with your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but stare at another person eating at another table, and then you said, “I sure wish I was eating dinner at that table, instead of with you!” That’s basically what he’s saying to you.

This should be a trust and respect issue with you. Has he given you any other signs he is not trustworthy? If nothing else, your boyfriend needs to learn how to respect you better.

Be very clear with him about how serious of an issue this is. Give him a chance to work on it. If he shows he’s sorry and wanting to work on his problem, then you should be patient with him. If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him, and it’s probably time for you to move on.

Please send me the question you have about the opposite sex in the comment section below. You’ll find a lot of great questions and answers on the main blog page, so check that out, as well. I look forward to hearing from you.

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102. Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently Than Men

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100. Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

100. Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

Dawson — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

This week, as I continue answering your questions about the opposite sex, I want to address a couple of topics that have to do with the beginning stages of a dating relationship. The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time, as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like, how/when do you tell other people about your relationship, when are you going to make time for each other, how do you handle it if your bf/gf likes you more than you like him/her, etc

QUESTION #37) Amy asked: "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us have told anyone about the relationship—I sort of want to, but he does not. Why does he feel the need to keep our relationship in the dark? Should I be worried?"

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry.

DAWSON: Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still others want to keep a relationship secret when they are already involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed if other people find out he's in a relationship with you. Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Anytime there is secrecy involved in a relationship, there's a cause for worry. Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love—not secrecy. If I were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship, and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, I want to encourage you to not be too quick to define your relationship with your secret boyfriend. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship, before they are really sure what it is. Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he’ll want the world to know.

QUESTION #38) Tasha asked: "What should you do when you fall hard for someone and in a really short time?"

What you're dealing with is a lot of fantasy and not a lot of reality.

DAWSON: What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people—it’s called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time. There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there—you just can’t build a lasting relationship with it. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you, because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality. You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs he really cares for you.

Over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is.

While it’s difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend, and let him get to know you. In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you’ll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Thanks for sending me the questions you have about the opposite sex. We are going all the way to question #50, so there's just a little bit of time left to get your question in the mix. Look through the past blogs and make sure your question hasn't been already answered, send it to me in the comment section below, and I'll do my best to answer it.

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101. Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

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99. Moving Beyond Just Friends

99. Moving Beyond Just Friends

Dawson — Fri, 29 May 2009 07:00:00 GMT

But don’t fall into the trap that thinks being physical with each other needs to be the next step.

We have reached what I thought wasn’t possible. This is the 100th entry of my blog, and for that I’m grateful. I’m also thankful for the amazing responses on how these blogs have been affecting you. This week, I am continuing to answer the questions you have about the opposite sex. I’m tackling a couple of questions pertaining to the topic of dating people who are already your friends. If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you know by now I’m a big fan of dating relationships developing out of really great friendships.

QUESTION #35) Joshua asked: “I really like this girl and she really likes me. We keep telling each other we love one another and we would like to go out but we don't want to mess up our friendship if anything goes wrong in the relationship. What should I do?”

Experience all the good things already present in the relationship—don’t worry about trying to stir up more feelings.

DAWSON: You are in a really great place with your friend. Most people should be so fortunate. But it sounds like you’re wondering what might be next for your relationship, or what it might look like to take things to the next level. The first thing you should do is have a talk with her about what it would mean for you to start “dating” each other. Does that mean you’re going to start spending more time together? Committing to being exclusive with each other? You both might have entirely different ideas about what a dating relationship would look like. By “exclusive dating” you are telling each other—“I’m yours.” But don’t fall into the trap that thinks being physical with each other needs to be the next step. Almost all heavily sexual dating relationships self-destruct.

Don’t forget to keep having fun. Sometimes when you start “dating” the relationship can feel heavy and serious—all the more reason to remind yourself of how much you enjoy just being with each other. And most importantly, keep communicating with each other. Make a pact with each other that if at any time one of you feels uncomfortable, you will talk about it, and make adjustments to fix what is causing the discomfort. Take your time with all this, and experience all the good things already present in the relationship—don’t worry about trying to stir up more feelings by calling it a “dating” relationship. Be happy with the great thing the two of you already have.

QUESTION #36) Ginger asked: “Whenever I find a guy I'm interested in I start talking to him in a friendship kind of way, but that's all it turns into, friendship. Any advice?”

Sometimes a girl can put so much energy into trying to show a guy how much she likes him that she appears to not have much of a life outside of her desire to be in a relationship.

DAWSON: Sounds like you’re great at making friends with people of the opposite sex. This is a fantastic gift many people don’t develop. Having a great friend is priceless. But you’re probably wondering how to turn a good friend into a boyfriend. The reality is that not everyone you’re attracted to as a friend is going to be attracted to you. You can’t control who is attracted to you, but you can control how attractive you are.

Guys are attracted to a girl who takes care of herself, someone who is confident, yet still takes time to show she respects and encourages him. Most guys like a girl who works to make herself more beautiful—both inside and out.

Live life to the fullest. This will make you even more attractive.

Sometimes a girl can put so much energy into trying to show a guy how much she likes him that she appears to not have much of a life outside of her desire to be in a relationship. This is definitely a turn-off to both sexes. Guys like girls with a bit of mystery about them. They like a challenge. Guys usually don’t want the girl that everyone can have—so don’t trap your friend into making him want to have a dating relationship with you.

Keep paying attention to the people around you. But more importantly, live life to the fullest. This will make you even more attractive.

Thanks for continuing to send in your questions. We still have time for a few more questions before we wrap up the 50 questions you have about the opposite sex blogs. Guys – I’d love to hear from more of you! Send me the questions you’ve always had about the opposite sex, and I’ll do my best to answer them.

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100. Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

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98. Keeping Your Personal Boundaries

98. Keeping Your Personal Boundaries

Dawson — Fri, 22 May 2009 07:00:00 GMT

If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you.

As I’ve been answering your questions about the opposite sex, one of my desires has been to help us understand the concept of personal boundaries. What does that mean? When most people enter into a relationship they lose sight of themselves—emotionally, they don’t know where they end and the other person begins. And then, without even thinking, they become willing to do whatever the other person wants, regardless of the consequences, simply to keep the other person close to them. This is the situation Madison is in, as shown with this question.

QUESTION #33 Madison asked: “I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. And then he thinks the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth. How do I tell him the real reason I don't want to do anything with him, without having him leave me?”

Without the sexual part of your relationship, you’re better able to get to know someone.

DAWSON: It sounds like this would be a great opportunity to be very honest with yourself and your boyfriend. That will give him the opportunity to know more about the level of commitment you have to yourself, and to your relationship with God. This will give him the chance to decide whether he will honor your wishes or not. If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you, and you need to find someone who will--someone who will respect your boundaries. When you tell him why you believe what you do, you will give him a chance to see how beneficial committing to those boundaries could be to your relationship.

Being physical with a bf/gf has the potential to cloud a relationship, turning it into a monster that seems to only be driven by sexual desire, or what you can get from the other person. Without the sexual part of your relationship, you’re better able to get to know someone, and to clearly know whether you’d want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Living this way, you will end up marrying someone you truly know and respects you. Nothing could be more important. I applaud you, Madison, for desiring to live so radically, and so differently compared to how most of the rest of the world lives. Stick by your beliefs and create those boundaries.

QUESTION #34) David asked: “I see girls everyday I wish I could go out with, but people tell me I don't have a chance with them. So I don't know if I should be miserable and not date or overcome my fear and ask out a girl people tell me I don't have a chance with?”

You are capable of being and doing all these things, regardless of how physically attractive you may be.

DAWSON: Thanks for the honesty in your question, David. I have to wonder who these “people” are that are telling you to not ask out certain girls. Why should you let someone else’s opinion tell you what these girls are thinking? I want to encourage you to be bold and courageous. But let me give you a couple things to think about first. Learn about what girls find attractive about guys. They love a guy who is confident, courageous, funny, interested in them (but not too interested!), strong, and smart. Women desire a man who will sweep them off their feet and treat them special. You are capable of being and doing all these things, regardless of how physically attractive you may be.

You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do.

Start by taking interest in a girl who you have some things in common with. Approaching her from out of the blue might be a bit too confusing for her and drive her away. Find some common ground and begin a conversation. Be a good listener. Make her the focus of your conversation. Don’t worry about “going out” with her until you actually get to know her some, and discover if she likes spending time with you. Most guys make the mistake of moving too quickly with a girl. Slow down. She isn’t going anywhere.

You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do. They may think you’re shooting for the moon, by asking out certain girls, but you can prove to them that it’s never wrong to dream big.

Thanks for sending in your great questions. Please keep writing to me with the questions you have about the opposite sex. We’re going all the way to 50 questions, so we still have room for yours! I look forward to hearing from you!

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99. Moving Beyond Just Friends

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97. Moving Past Relationship Mistakes

97. Moving Past Relationship Mistakes

Dawson — Fri, 08 May 2009 07:00:00 GMT

It generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys.

Anytime you get into a relationship, you discover things about the other person that seem to defy understanding—things that appear to be way too confusing. These blogs are designed to take out the confusion and answer the questions you have about the opposite sex. Hopefully the answers will help you to have more ideas, as well as love, for those you are in relationship with. With that in mind, here are this week’s questions...

QUESTION #31) Derick asked: “I cheated on my girlfriend, but want to move past it with her. She doesn’t think she can. What can I do?”

The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done.

DAWSON: Unfortunately, you have dug a deep hole for your relationship, and it’s going to take a lot of work to dig out of it. You have shown your girlfriend (and yourself) that you are an untrustworthy person. And now you’re wondering if it’s possible to ever rebuild trust with her. I believe it is, even though she feels like she’s been too hurt by your actions to ever forgive you. I have found it generally takes females a lot longer to get over being cheated on than guys. Most guys just say to themselves, “I did it. I told her I was sorry. So let’s move on.” It doesn’t work that way with women. She needs a much longer time to heal. Many guys lose patience and walk away from their relationship just about the time his girl is starting to heal.

So what is she feeling? She might be feeling you are not really sorry for what you did. She also might want to make sure you pay the price for your actions—and by her breaking up with you, she’s punishing you. Unfortunately, in this situation, you both lose. The brokenness in your relationship can only be healed by your seeking forgiveness for what you’ve done. So, how do you do this?

1 - First of all, you need to admit to yourself that you have hurt another person. This means taking full responsibility for your actions, and not just thinking your girlfriend is “blowing things out of proportion.”
2 – Talk to God about this, and ask Him to forgive you for what you’ve done, and ask for courage to say what you need to say to and do for your girlfriend.
3 – Ask for your girlfriend’s forgiveness. You need to clearly explain what you’re sorry for, without making any excuses.
4 – Let her respond to you without getting defensive about what she says. Again, remember she will need time to sort out her feelings.

Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.

After this, the best thing you can do is to show yourself as completely trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into your wrongful, untrustworthy behavior. But, you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened. Just remember, this is going to take a while. Even so, you have a 50-50 chance of your relationship surviving.

QUESTION #32) Leigh asked: “How do I get past the thought that my boyfriend will leave me?”

DAWSON: Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or have been abandoned in the past. It’s natural to want to hold on to things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person. This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There’s a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life, and wanting to possess them. Many people don’t have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing--fear of being alone is another.

We are never given permission to own or control another person.

To get past the fear of your boyfriend leaving, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it’s worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship. Most guys do not want to be with a girl who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy. Thank God for everyday you have with your boyfriend. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Please keep sending me the questions you have about the opposite sex. I’m sure there’s something you’ve been wondering about that hasn’t yet been addressed. That’s what I want to hear from you about. Take a second to write me your question in the comment section below. I look forward to hearing from you.

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98. Keeping Your Personal Boundaries

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96. When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Someone

96. When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Someone

Dawson — Fri, 01 May 2009 07:00:00 GMT

We always make a mistake when we make someone we care about of the opposite sex our hero, or even our god.

I am absolutely amazed as to the number of questions you have about the opposite sex. Let’s face it, relationships and romance and the emotions that come with it, is really important. It can affect the rest of our lives for good or for bad. I hope you find yourself getting answers to some of the problems keeping you from experiencing the positive effects of having great relationships. It’s always encouraging for me to read your thank yous in the comment section about how these blogs are helping you. Remember, I’m in your corner. Here are this week’s questions...

QUESTION #29) Amelia asked: "I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now and he's great, but I just feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm 19, he's 21, and he's perfect, but I always feel like I'm being compared to his ex-girlfriend from three years ago, or that I'm just not good for him. He says that's not true, but I can't get past feeling that he's too good for me. It's starting to affect our relationship, how do I get over this?"

DAWSON: I think there are a couple of issues going on here. First, you say your boyfriend is perfect. Even without knowing him, I can assure you he isn’t. We always make a mistake when we make someone we care about of the opposite sex our hero, or even our god. It’s great to respect your bf/gf, but putting them too high on a pedestal puts way too much pressure on the relationship.

Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.

But the bigger issue is you not feeling “good enough” for him. No matter what he tells you, you just won’t believe you bring as much to the relationship as he does. What would make you feel “good enough” for him? Whatever it is, you still would not be able to meet those standards. God has made each of us as incredibly unique individuals. You have just as many wonderful qualities as your boyfriend, even if you’re not aware of them right now.

It’s important for you to accept the love your boyfriend is giving you, and not just write it off because you don’t feel worthy. If you continue to talk about not feeling good enough, there’s a good chance he’s going to become discouraged because your relationship seems to be so negative, and move on to someone else. Stop focusing on just your weaknesses, and only his strengths. Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.

So stop worrying about your imperfections, and concentrate on loving him. When we really love others, we end up feeling a whole lot better about ourselves.

QUESTION #30) Braden asked: "Is it normal for a girl to break-up for no reason? If so, why?"

Most people don’t do things like breaking-up with someone for no reason at all.

DAWSON: The short answer to your question is no. Most people don’t do things like breaking-up with someone for no reason at all. Most girls don’t say, “Oh, it’s Tuesday, I think I’ll break up with my boyfriend today.” It’s usually a series of either events, conversations with friends, or private feelings that lead to someone breaking-up with you.

Often, when a break-up happens out of the blue, it’s because there’s someone else who has entered the picture. Or maybe her friends are putting pressure on her to end the relationship. In many cases, you will never know the real reason. She’s probably not telling you her reasons, either to protect herself, or protect you from getting mad or hurt.

We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do.

Still, sometimes the “not knowing why” is more difficult than the actual break-up. I’d encourage you to let her have her reasons, whatever they may be, and not let it haunt you. If you are willing to do that, you’ll find yourself learning to be a better, stronger person. There are always going to be unanswered questions in dating relationships. We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do. Don’t let this girl’s lack of communication prevent you from being a person who chooses to be truthful and honest with the girls you date.

Your questions about the opposite sex continue to amaze me. Please keep sending them my way. I want to help you get to the root of some of the issues you’re dealing with in your guy/girl relationships. No matter what you’re going through, please remember there’s always hope.

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97. Moving Past Relationship Mistakes

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95. Why Do Girls Dress So Provocatively?

95. Why Do Girls Dress So Provocatively?

Dawson — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 07:00:00 GMT

All women like to feel beautiful and be told they are seen as being beautiful.

In these blogs we are on a journey. We’re on a journey to find out all we can about the opposite sex, and in the process, learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help you get through your life with more love and confidence. If you’re able to grasp some of these concepts, and incorporate them into your life, you are going to be richer in wisdom and understanding than many people twice your age, I promise. Here are this week’s questions:

QUESTION #27) Michael asked: “Why do girls dress so provocatively one minute, then complain that guys are superficial the next?”

Women love to be appreciated, but they don’t want to be disrespected.

DAWSON: This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that it makes most girls feel confident if she receives attention for the way she dresses. She’s dressing up to get attention, and to be noticed. She’s even dressing to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many young teenage girls it’s even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd—to do something or wear something no one else is wearing. So if all the girls are dressing like Abercrombie & Fitch, you better do it as well, they think. Sometimes, for example A&F, is more provocative than she feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway. (Sad, isn’t it?)

Another part of the answer is that most women have come to realize that showing some of the more sexy parts of their body (tight jeans, cleavage, short dresses, etc.) will definitely get the attention of a lot of guys. Some girls don’t even realize how sexual they are dressing—they are just wearing what they think looks good. But since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed. All women like to feel beautiful and be told they are seen as being beautiful.

Just remember ladies, you get what you advertise for. If you are only advertising your body, guys will come after your body. If you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.

Unfortunately, guys like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests.

Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It’s just the lies of the culture and confusion about how best to attract men has bewildered many women. As a guy, when you compliment a girl you have an opportunity to tell her she’s beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be, or you could just stare at her with lust, thinking sexual thoughts about her. Women love to be appreciated, but they don’t want to be disrespected. That’s a fine line for a guy to walk. But I believe it’s possible for mature guys to walk that line.

QUESTION #28) Tiana asked: “Why do (most) guys feel the need to have to brag about the girl they are with, and their sexual relationship with her, etc.?”

DAWSON: Unfortunately, guys like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. It all comes out of a deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It’s a competition thing. If one guy has more “success” with women than the other guys, his ranking in the group appears to go higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. (This only shows a guy’s immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex.) These guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy.

Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private.

This is certainly not done to impress other women, as they are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what a guy and another girl did the night before. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women’s reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don’t have to brag to feel good about themselves.

Thanks for continuing to send me your questions in the comments section below. You are a great help to me when you tell me what you’ve always wondered about the opposite sex. Some of you will find that I’ve already answered your very question in a previous blog. So don’t forget to check those out, and then let me know what questions you have that I haven’t yet answered.

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96. When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Someone

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94. Can I Trust Anyone?

94. Can I Trust Anyone?

Dawson — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 07:00:00 GMT

There’s a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it.

You have questions about the opposite sex—things that drive you crazy about guys, and things you can’t figure out about girls. These kinds of questions are what I’m answering in this series of blogs. But I can’t do this without you—so thanks for sending me the questions you have. I hope my answers are able to help you understand how it’s possible to have healthy and positive relationships, even though there will always be some confusion about the opposite sex. In the end, it’s just the way life is.

QUESTION #25) Sarah asked: “My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. But all of a sudden I don't feel like I can trust him. He's always had a thing for my best friend. But I don't think I trust either of them right now. What should I do?”

DAWSON: Unfortunately, finding someone who is completely trustworthy is not an easy thing to do. And often your intuition is right. But this doesn’t have to make you a miserable, jealous person, unless you let it. Most likely, you’re simply curious about what’s going on under the surface between your boyfriend and your best friend. Are they spending time together alone? Do you find them talking together, and then they stop when you walk up? Or are they just being nice to each other? Or maybe even harmless flirting?

Jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness.

There’s always a chance you might be overly sensitive to their innocent behavior. But there’s also a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it. But you’re probably afraid your boyfriend will think you’re jealous, or maybe even crazy if you tell him this, and cause a lot of pain with your best friend.

Are feelings of jealousy ever justified? Jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Please don’t waste your time feeling jealous. That kind of stinking thinking only makes matter much worse, and it makes you a miserable person. The one thing you can do is show yourself to be someone who is trustworthy. This includes surrendering your desire to be a jealous or controlling person.

If your best friend is doing things with your boyfriend that make you uncomfortable, such as spending time alone with him or whispering behind your back, talk to her about how much her friendship means to you, and let her know that you need her help to make your dating relationship be as good as it can be. Her response to your request will tell you a lot about whether or not you can trust her. You might need to communicate more clearly with your boyfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind. A difficult aspect of any relationship is having the courage to say the things you need to say the most. These things usually get worked out in the end. So keep the faith and be the loving person you want both your boyfriend and best friend to be.

QUESTION #26) Ben asked: “I have a girlfriend who lives about 120 miles from me—will this work out? We already say that we love each other. I'd love to know what you think.”

Long-term separation is nearly impossible, as many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

DAWSON: Well, it might work out. Just remember, there are a lot of people who tell each other they love each other, and then break up the next week. There have been many long-distance relationships that have been very successful. But there have been many, many more that haven’t lasted. There is no question it will be difficult for both of you. I’d be curious if your separation is temporary or long-term? If it’s temporary, you’ll need to be committed to keeping in contact with each other on the phone or through email. Long-term separation is nearly impossible, as many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

A long-distance relationship can be unrealistic, and driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together.

A long-distance relationship can be unrealistic, and driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together. Being apart from each other will make it possible to hide some of the weaknesses each of you would bring into a face-to-face, everyday relationship. It makes it much easier to only show your good side to the other person across the miles.

But if you’re just wanting someone to talk to on the phone, you may find great joy in doing that, but you will need to see each other in person at some time or another in order to help keep the relationship realistic and moving forward. If you can, make plans to see each as often as possible. But more than anything, communicate the expectations you have for the relationship with each other so you’re both on the same page.

Thanks for sending in your great questions, I really need your help and appreciate you taking the time to write to me. Please don’t stop asking me the questions that you have about the opposite sex, and I’ll do my best to answer them. You might want to take a look through the previous blogs I’ve written on the blog main page to see if perhaps I’ve answered your question already.

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95. Why Do Girls Dress So Provocatively??

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93. Why Do People Play Mind Games?