Dawson's Blog : Opposite Sex

169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

Dawson — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:13:00 GMT

Last weekend Jodie Foster (not the actress), her 12-year old daughter, Kayla, and her two step children stood in the middle of LP field during the second quarter of the Tennessee Titans – Washington Redskins game. They thought they were being honored for a winning essay they had all written together about husband and father, Mark E. Foster – a sergeant in 101st Combat Aviation Brigade. He is on his fifth deployment, the latest being to Afghanistan eight months ago. In that essay Jodie asked the kids about their dad.

The Foster’s daughter, Hunter, said: My dad drove in a snowstorm at 35 mph from Kentucky to Ohio, a nine-hour trip that ended up taking 16, just to spend a few hours with me and hold my hand after my knee surgery. Then he had to leave the next morning to make it back to work on time. If that's not a true sacrifice, I don't know what is.

Kayla, their daughter, said: My dad loved me enough to adopt me. Mom, no one gave me to him, he picked me. I am proud of him for enduring what he does and the sacrifices and choices he has made in life to give us the life we have today.

Son Cody said: I see the honor in his eyes every morning he puts on that uniform, and one day I want my family to look at me the way we look at dad.

The LP Field announcer said something about a surprise. Jodi turned around, and there was Mark with yellow roses in hand, on the sidelines in the middle of a bunch of Titan players. What followed was the whole family crying, running, hugging, and kissing as 69,000 fans cheered wildly, and Trace Atkins’ song, American Solider, boomed over the speakers.

I wish that every homecoming was just like that -- soldier comes home, war is left behind, everything is back to normal, and they all live happily every after. Many times it is exactly like that. Many times it is not.

One soldier came home to a party attended by a house full of family and relatives. His wife later commented, “It was just overwhelming for him—too much too soon.”

They went downtown for a stroll, but the low brick buildings reminded him of some buildings in Iraq. There was a crowd of people and lots of street noise. “That was not a good idea,” she said.

“I had planned the perfect first night back together,” one wife commented, “but it turned out to be rather awkward. It was like making love to a stranger. We should have spent more time reconnecting.”

One day a soldier, back home from a combat deployment, finally said to his frustrated wife who kept telling him to come to dinner, “I can’t. I’m in Iraq.” She had grown more and more frustrated because she didn’t know what that meant. Why doesn’t he just get over it and move on, she thought.

Others talk about nightmares, emotional detachment, fixation on their war experiences, the difficulty of adjusting from a wife running the household all by herself to dad being home, and (to the shock and amazement of a spouse or loved one) the compelling desire to go back.

As great as it is to be back home, sometimes that just starts the process of leaving the war behind. When soldiers are deployed in a war zone, they are always busy, constantly on guard, and completely focused on their mission and responsibilities. When they get home, the place where they can relax and stand down emotionally, that is when all the emotional issues, held back while on deployment, begin to surface.

It can be frustrating to a wife who has always assumed that she could just love him through whatever problems he has. Realizing that alone isn’t going to fix him, she begins to take things personally.

Dealing with combat-related stress takes time, patience, and almost always some counseling. It’s a lot like many other issues that can overwhelm a relationship — the death of a child, the chronically ill family member, or enormous financial stress.

About two or three years after her husband returned from Iraq, Merritt Stephens talked about her experiences to NotAlone.com, one of our ministry partners.

Merritt said: At this point we are in a good place in our relationship, but we have certainly been through our share of ups and downs. When he came back from combat, there were a lot of issues we really struggled with. We even talked about divorce a few times, which was really scary. I felt like I was a strong independent woman, and I could walk away from the relationship if I needed to. But as we talked about deep feelings, we always came back to our commitment to each other and how much we meant to each other. We have shared our lives together, and we really are each other’s best friends. As much as combat and the related issued have been difficult on our relationship, in a way it has brought us closer. We sought counseling together, we’ve each had to work on our own stuff, and we realize that we really love each other from somewhere deep in our souls. It has made us stronger, more committed to each other. We feel now there is nothing we cannot get through.

Sergeant Mark E. Foster who surprised his family at LP Field, is scheduled to return to his unit in Iraq in two weeks.

For military personnel and their families dealing with the combat related stress issues, I recommend that you contact Not Alone through their website at www.NotAlone.com

Next week I will begin a few posts on dealing with issues that come to the surface during the Christmas holidays.

What is the best and most difficult part of Christmas for you? Your Comments?

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170. Holiday Highs and Lows: Separated Parents

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

Dawson — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 15:24:00 GMT

If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you'll have a “much more intense” experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction. Below is just a sampling of comments about loved ones on deployment.

Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don't communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a "miss you Babe" on a phone call.

Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn't know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.

HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I've ever met besides my father. We've been dating for 8 months and love each other. He's in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East... I love him dearly and I know he loves me... but I worry that he doesn't miss me.

nicolem28 wrote: I'm engaged to an AF guy and he's been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he's on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.

Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment they can make it through anything.

I've again asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families. Note: I use the term “soldier(s)” referring to personnel in all branches of military service.

Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers, the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you're frontline like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You're either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There's very little down time, but even then, the enemy may decide it's time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that down time is focused on getting ready to go again.

Dawson: Perhaps, it's more that just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don't understand or feel what the other is going through, they'll still have a disconnect ― whether they communicate a lot or a little.

Mike: It's really important for spouses at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military wives helps. One of those things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand... not home, not family, not kids, not you... their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road, every one is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one guy loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.

Also, there are times when soldiers don't seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it's hard sometimes to switch back from being “warrior guy” to “relationship guy.” And sometimes he just can't talk about what's going on because it's either too hard on him or he fears it will be too hard on you. So, he give you small talk about trivial things. If a spouse doesn't understand this, she can take it personally and begin to doubt his feelings, which leads to more awkward conversations... It can snowball on you if you're not careful.

Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?

Mike: Mostly, they are so engaged with what they're doing, they don't have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you've got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing he needs to hear is complaining about problems at home. That's like pouring salt into an open wound. He might even begin avoiding the phone calls.

Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?

Mike: Maybe something along these lines: “Honey, we're okay here. We've had a problem with _____, but we've got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We're all good. I love you (i.e. don't be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this!”

Dawson: While it's difficult for spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison it's much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home. True?

Mike: No, not true at all. A lot guys have no clue about how difficult it is for wives and girlfriends at home. Part of that is because some of them don't have much emotional intelligence to begin with. So, they're not big on empathy for their loved ones, even when they are home. So, it's not a deployment thing, it just their thing.

Like I said before, some guys have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense ― fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. At times problems at home that are huge to their spouses, seem trivial to them by comparison.

Again, the more spouses and love ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.

Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their own individual battles to fight.

Mike: Very true. Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.

Dustin wrote: I would like to say that it takes a stronger spouse to have the other spouse in the military.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 3): Coming Home from a Deployment

For podcast by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

Dawson — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 03:14:00 GMT

Taylor wrote: “I believe it takes a special kind of person to date someone who is military and it is definitely not easy. Both people have to work extremely hard for it to work. As long as both people want the relationship to work and are loyal with each other, then the relationship can work.”

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one but if you love someone enough then it's NOT hard to be faithful! Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home (MEN and women) are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military! It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

We get a lot of calls from people in the military. By “people in the military,” I mean soldiers, spouses, parents, and children. I've include all of these because no one goes into the military without some impact on those he/she loves.

I've asked one of our special partners, Mike Jones, to join me on these next few blog posts. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also the co-founder of Not Alone, a non-profit organization serving military personnel, veterans, and their families.

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands of Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that's just the A's. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they're not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds – wIll they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what's really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it's difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson: Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don't know but what they do know – the things they have suddenly come to realize. It's not unusual for some to throw in the comment: “I didn't sign up for this!”

Mike: I've heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier's time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It's not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, “I didn't sign up for this!”

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you're right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could “do their thing” in the military, while the other continues to “do their thing” in the civilian world unaffected. So, in a way – yes; the solider and spouse need sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike: There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about – college tuition, see the world... that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kind of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe those benefits “change you,” “serve (something else),” and “be part of (another) family” might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That's what many are afraid of – heading off in different directions.

Mike: Yes, but is doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.

Next week: MILITARY RELATIONSHIP (part 2): Dealing with Deployments

For podcasts by military wives, forums by military personnel and their families dealing with deployments and combat-related issues, or more information on Not Alone, go to www.NotAlone.com.

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168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

Dawson — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 18:49:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I wanted to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. This part two of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks; thing-four thru thing-six.

#4. Getting Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button. Many people commented about being hurt or disappointed so many times that they now have a hard time simply pressing the reset button and starting over. They began with some idealistic notions about romance but eventually grew very discouraged and cynical about relationships. Some seem to be losing hope.

Michelle wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? never. the right guys always seem to hurt you at some point.. girls are better off waiting til theyre older then dating, and making a living for themselves. i just dont believe there is a good enough guy, anywhere.

Crystal wrote: Life is so complicated. You spend more time trying to figure out where the previous relationship went wrong that you give up hope that you are meant to be with anyone.

Dave wrote: It's been three years now, and I still have trouble trusting women.

SW wrote: Theres no hope for us, relationships will almost always fail, and believe me, i still havent accepted this yet because it still scares me. I HOPE im not right about this.

HARD TRUTH: Many people who have lost a lot money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions. They are said to be “snake-bit.” People who have been through several bad relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don't yet know... that relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about where and how much of your heart and emotions to invest, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get “snake-bit.”

5. Sex and Boredom. It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to talking about forever, to boredom, to break up. Many blog commenters pointed to that last stage as the reason from a lot of cheating.

Jeremy wrote: Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Boredom and things get stale. Guys see it as an excuse to look for something exciting to add that thrill back.

Briana wrote: Why do guys cheat? I think guys get bored easily. They want something new and fresh...And a new girl is new and fresh to them!

HARD TRUTH: There is a thing called the Law of Diminishing Return. Put simply, how far you are willing go physically with your BG/GF gets less and less thrilling. To continue getting that same thrill, you have to go a little farther. But then after you've gone all the way, what else is there to do?

Anonymous wrote: I think guys cheat on there girlfriends because they get tired of kissing, or having sex with the same chick. Especially when they are younger guys.

HARD TRUTH (continued): Sex doesn't keep a BG/GF; it often condemns the relationship to failure. There is deep sense of satisfaction and contentment in old friendships. Because you go way back and have a lot of good history together, you just feel comfortable and relaxed with each other. Nothing special needs to be happening, you just enjoy hanging out together. Relationships based on the thrill of sex or making out are just the opposite. You get bored with each other after a while, there is no place farther to go, and someone begins looking something new to get that thrill again.

6. Standing Alone. There is a lot of pressure on people to be hooked up with a BF/GF. Have you ever known a person with a terribly sad history in dating relationships but at the same time who seems offended that you are not doing the same thing. It's like they take your unwillingness to follow their mistakes as a personal attack. Lot of crazy peer pressure out there!

Sarah wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? ...stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseparable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

HARD TRUTH: Don't follow the crowd! It takes courage to carve out your own path. It takes courage to set your standards high. It takes courage to say NO. It takes courage wait.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

Dawson — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:26:00 GMT

Before moving onto the next blog topic, Relationships in the Military, I want to share just a few more thoughts on Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends. I won't repeat what has already been written. You can read my last four blogs and see everyone comments. Below are three of the six things that struck me about your comments over the last few weeks:

1. Too Afraid to End It. A lot of people (guys and girls) commented that guys don't end relationships before moving on because either they don't know how to tell their girlfriend it's over, or they simply wimp out and avoid all uncomfortable conversations. Some even cheat as a means of breaking up.

Melzers wrote: I think guys cheat ... because they want to end their current relationship...

Dustin wrote: ...He (looks for) a way to make her leave him, so He finds someone else who fits those needs and finds a way to let her find out.

Dante wrote: There are guys who cheat because they know its over but they're not willing to end it... In the meantime he goes out and cheats till he gets caught.

HARD TRUTH: Nobody changes the oil in a car they have already decided to trade in. Get the point? If a guy has already decided to move on, preserving and maintaining the current relationship is not a high priority. Sometimes those signs are not hard for a GF to recognize. Often girls are cheated on because after seeing the clear signs that the BF is shopping around, she should have dumped him on the spot. Instead, she hang on until he cheats on her.

sw2 wrote: I read the first blog, and i love what she (Anonymous) said, ? think i just realized why men cheat, well one reason at least, its because it's so hard walking away, and letting go, hurting someone....When i read it, i knew that i had to take that step with the guy I'm dating, let him know it's not personal, but im ready to move on. Im not a cheater, but i've never been so unhappy with someone before and it's hard to walk away, so i've been miserable lately, and now i know how to leave, thank you.

2. Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place. Unfortunately, there were lots of comments by people who were clearly in toxic relationships. They know it, and probably everyone around them knows it too. They have been used and hurt and almost certainly will be used and hurt some more. But they cannot bring themselves to leave. Very sad!

Cristy wrote: i'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, f***** her then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i think i am done but i love him...

Gina wrote: (The) question would be why people stay with someone who cheats over and over again.

HARD TRUTH: The more you love someone, the more power you give them to hurt you. So, no love, then no hurt. But that's not the best solution (although that would have been better than some of the relationship wrecks I have heard about). The hard truth is that you have to save yourself and guard your heart. You have to measure out your emotions according to your age, how much you really know about a person, and your true prospects for a life-time together. Guys or girls who get into relationships and quickly put the gas pedal to the floor emotionally are going to have so many wrecks, their love life might be permanently damaged because...

3. Simple Trust Is Hard to Come by. Several commented about being deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually and yet still have very deep trust issues; trusting their BF/GF about their true feeling, their faithfulness, or even if they are who they seem to be. On a radio program last weekend, Taylor Swift was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships. “It's when you think you know someone,she replied,”then later find out that is not at all who they were.”

Passion wrote: I've been dating this guy for 5 months and i found out he gave his number to another girl, I dont even see him the same as i used to, i look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.

LittleShorty wrote: He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But my problem is that he thinks i am cheating on him... but i am not cheating on him... What i wanna know if he is cheating on me or not...

HARD TRUTH: No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.

So, how do you arrive at trust? How to know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:

a. Start out by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.

b. Look for someone who will talk to you about common interest, as well as personal stuff like like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can't always go on what people says, but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpses of what is really inside that person. What if they don't want to talk about that kind of stuff? It's not a deal breaker, but unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what's really in there.

c. What they do and how they act under pressure. That's when our real selves begin to show.

d. Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are―not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she want to turn you into. Loves you for who you, just as you are, right now.

Next week the last blog post I'll finish talking about the six things I learned from your comments on Why Guys Cheat 4. Harder and Harder to Press the Reset Button; 5. Sex and Boredom; and 6. Standing Alone.

HELP ME OUT! I need you to post comments and thoughts for my next few blogs articles on the reality of relationships with a spouse or BF/GF serving in the military.

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166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

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164. Finding the Right Guy

164. Finding the Right Guy - Revisited

Dawson — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:14:00 GMT

First, a quick review from the last three blog posts:

161. Guys are not that complex and neither are the reasons why some of them cheat on their girlfriends. 1) Either they don't understand or value the relationship the way their girlfriends do, or 2) but their ability to resist temptation has been weakened through friends and bad role models or simply because they have been allowed to get away with it.

162. Beyond asking why guys in general cheat, it is more important to find out why your particular boyfriend cheated on you. Learning from that bad experience has a lot to do with how honestly we answer questions about how and why we got into the relationship to begin with.

163. There are at least a half a dozen bad ways to respond to being cheated on, all of which will reduce you chances of finding the right guy.

Having said all of that, below are a few things to keep in mind that hopefully with help you with your next move forward?

1. The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love not lust, not popularity, not need.

Rebecca wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? Its going to be a guy that respects you for your morals and values, someone that is willing to do anything for you, without going over their own boundaries, which you should respect.

Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else… In other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy, wanty people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.

2. Secure people build secure relationships. The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life. If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from get from other relationships with family, with friends, and with God. If you don't have a supportive family, then you get it from great friends and God. If you don't have supportive family or great friends God is there for you in a very special way.

3. Understand that there is a balance in all good relationships. That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their slave.

The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is down right terrifying for a lot of guys. On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in the own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into foundation of a relationship.

4. The girls who find the best guys are ones who are willing to wait for the right one.

Ashley wrote: It takes time but when u look he will never come but if u stop looking he shows up. I stopped looking and the best guy came into my life. All i can do now is pray that we stay together.

Sarah wrote: same here ashley.. stopped looking.. dint even want to date nymore then my mr. rite came into my life asked me out and I turned him down a few times. he asked me again and I jus thot.. watever, what have I to lose? it went very well we were inseperable and 8 months later we got married. now we have a beautiful boy together and the love is even stronger.

Here is little paradox. You find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don't keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building the own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship no guy in his right mind would cheat on.

Next blog: A few thoughts on all the comments you have made. Please leave me some more comments this week that I can respond to!

ALSO, here is another blog that I wrote a while back on Finding The Right Guy >>

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165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

Dawson — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 14:01:00 GMT

A tearful girl and two of her BFFs sitting at a coffee shop—

Girl #1: He cheated on me… I cannot believe it! HE CHEATED ON ME!!!

Girl #2: Well, I can't believe you just figured that out. He's been cheatin' on you for a long time.

Girl #3: You don't need to put up with that. You need to find you guy who appreciates you. I think you and James would be good together. I can set you up.

Girl #2: Well, I think you need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that…

Girl #1: He is the third guy who has cheated on me. I guess all guys are just pigs.

It is always painful when marriages or dating relationships come apart and usually far more painful for one person than the other. But cheating — that makes a painful situation so much worse. It not just a matter of your boyfriend saying that he doesn't want to be with you anymore; cheating is major disrespect. So, what do you if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do:

1. Don’t waste time trying to get even. One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end you just making yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but is sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating but say to yourself, I'm too good for that.

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love. Suicide is the ultimate example of people trying to strike back at others by hurting themselves. When they find me, she says to herself, then he'll be sorry. Unfortunately, that also happens far too often.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: “Take your time moving on also don't just jump into a relationship the minuet your single. Moving on takes time and drowning you sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea... Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months and figure out what you want who you dont want and keep an open mind about relationships and people.”

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!”

3. Don't bear other people's guilt. When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater are totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4. Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: “Well, never rush into a relationship cus then so many thngs go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just trying to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start lookin for a new guy.”

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than then initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and rehearsing the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating. Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters. You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you — forge ahead. But if you are lookin for love with known cheaters, then you're lookin in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote: “If you want to move on to the next BF and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF.”

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like a plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance. There are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and the weakness for temptation are turned into rock solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl—not even you. Girls compete for guys, but who they are competing with are other girls. Taming that cheater makes a girl feel better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flatting words about how much better you are that his last girlfriend or all the terrible things she did that made him cheat.

THOSE ARE A FEW THINGS that you should not do. In the next blog post I want to talk about finding the best guy for you — maybe the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. Got any suggestions?

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164. Finding the Right Guy

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

Dawson — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:00:00 GMT

The original question in was Why Do Guys Cheat on their Girlfriends? But you are probably already thinking about the more important question: Why did (or why might) your boyfriend (BF) cheat on you?

When employees leave a company, the common practice is to conduct an exit interview. That is where the Director of Human Resources (HR) meets with the departing employee and questions about them why they are leaving. They talk about their job description, their working environment, and what they really think about their boss. They also want to know what the company could have done better to keep them. The HR director might even try to persuade them to stay or to come back if things don't work out with the new job. The objective for the company is to help them do a better job of recruiting and retaining good employees. If, however, an employee is caught stealing (or cheating), security guards usually escorts them out of the building and the exit interview never happens.

Most dating relationships do not end with constructive exit interviews, especially if it ends by one person cheating on the other. If you did have that kind of meeting, your objective would the same — to learn how to find and keep a better boyfriend (BF). So here is a little mental exercise — an imaginary exit interview with you, your ex-boyfriend, and the human resource director in charge of finding your next BF.

1. Describe how and why your relationship began with this cheating ex-boyfriend. What attracted you most to one another?

2. Were you or was he rebounding from another relationship? How and why did those relationships end?

3. What were you initially looking for in the relationship with the BF who cheated on you? Love, companionship, sex, marriage, popularity, interesting conversations, getting back at your previous ex-boyfriend, getting out of the house, getting back at your parents/guardians, something to do on the weekends?

4. What do you think your ex-boyfriend looking for?

5. Were there outside pressures weighing on you before and during the relationship? Peer pressure to have a boyfriend, pressure from friends, feeling left out of a your group, etc.

6. How deeply did the relationship go beyond physical attraction?

If you answer the imaginary exit interview questions in all honesty then you probably already know why the relationship didn't last. Being completely honest and straightforward (even with ourselves) is not as easy or as common as you might think. People spend as much or more time lying to themselves about their true intentions as they do lying to others. Have you ever listened to someone rant and rave about a person or a situation. And the more you listened, the more you realized that they were completely out of touch with really happened. They were so wound up about being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed that they just could not take an honest look at themselves.

Jen wrote: You know, this is one of those things that is quite difficult to answer, as to be honest, whoever knows why people do the things they do. There are many different opinions on why men and women cheat. To me, there are just way too many reasons as to know what the real "why" is or may be. As for me, I often still find myself wondering what the answers are. I'll admit, relationships confuse me to this very day! Every relationship I have been in, something bad has always happened... In the end, relationships are hard, and cheating occurs for answers I wish I knew. I have yet to figure this out. And I have yet to figure "me" out. Maybe that's the answer? I don't know.

Other people (perhaps, like Jen) seem to be quite sincere but just not have been able to dig down deep enough to pull out the answers. Being able to look at yourself with no-holding-back honesty is a pretty important part of learning from what has happened to you.

Cristy wrote: I'm 15. i was recently cheated on and don't know what to do...he begs for me back and i was about to when i saw him again... he knew this. yet he got back with his other ex, ****** her, then they broke up and he still wanted me back.. i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost.. i really trusted him and he doesn't understand.. i think i am done but i love him...

badboyloveshugs wrote: (Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? It is because) he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back.

Just because you were cheated on and just because it hurt really bad, doesn't necessarily mean you are going to learn anything from that experience. How do I know that? Because girls who have been cheated on often go back their cheating BFs, or they find a new BF who does the very same thing. The questions above help you take a long hard look inside. That kind of honest look at yourself is going to make you a wiser, deeper person, and one who is going to attract some great guys.

My next blog breaks down WHAT NOT TO DO AS YOU MOVE ONTO YOUR NEXT BF.

I want to hear from you. Tell me things that you have done badly when moving onto your next boyfriend! Also, tell me what you think is a healthy way to move on.

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163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

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161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

Dawson — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:31:00 GMT

This not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends (BFs) are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do not cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.

Some of you girls are already thinking — On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that, at least one that I would be attracted to. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys. If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your BFs. We'll get that later (Upcoming post #150. Moving onto the Right Guy).

And, yes, I know girlfriends cheat too. Maybe we'll get to that later, but for the next few blogs, we're going to talk about boyfriends.

Somewhere Between a Caveman & a Mechanical Engineer

There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and every-day conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that guys are really not that complex. The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to three things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.

BF CHEATING REASON #1: Big Misunderstanding

Dustin wrote: “I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this:

1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl, figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. Really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.”

Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem. You know how that usually turns out— clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears… When a very insecure person and very self-confident person begin dating, they almost always have a different understanding about the relationship. The girl might understand their relationship as being long-term, high-commitment, and exclusive (that means no other girls allowed). Her boyfriend may see things very differently. To him it is about hanging out, having fun, making out, and moving on. The truth is that he is not into her nearly as much as she is into him. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him. One reason guys cheat is that they have a different understanding about the relationship. And so, they don't think fooling around with another girl is cheating at all.

BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.

Dustin wrote (continued): 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. Girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love til they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.

BF CHEATING REASON #2: Relationship for a Different Reason

Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like, "I love you," "you're so beautiful…," and "spend our lives together…." The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a different. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most— the relationship.

On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but simply because the relationship is the way to get what they want — usually sex.

Megan wrote: “Guys who cheat on their girlfriends are inconsiderate jerks who need to grow up. If guys cheat, then they are obviously not ready to commit to a relationship. When guys cheat they usually cheat on a great girl who really cares about them for some ugly brainless girl who could care less about them.”

It's pretty simple—she wants a relationship, so much so that she is even tempted to offer some sex to get is. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex. Another reason guys cheat is that the relationship was never their goal—it was the sex.

BF CHEATING REASON #3: They Are Weaklings

BFs who cheat don't anyways do it with plan. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators. They try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.

A lot of guys and girls dream about being as different as possible from their parents. So the last thing on your checklist for a potential BF is his mom and dad. But think about this: when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing. Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated. Some BFs give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.

Most cheaters are repeat offenders. The most notorious cheater of late is Tiger Woods. He was married to one of hottest women on the planet but a big-time cheater with lots of women. BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives. Tiger claims to have a sexual addiction., and because of that, he just couldn't say no.

Hum… a sexual addiction? That may be true, but no one starts out with a sexual addiction. The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no until eventually — addicted. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too — even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.

Dustin wrote (again): “Men are pigs, women are crazy. My life was simplified after l accepted this.”

How does a good guy and a good BF become a cheater? I don't mean just a one-time slip. I'm talking about an habitual, intentional, lying, two-timing cheater. Two reasons: either he never gets caught or he is allowed to do so by girlfriends who keep taking him back. In other words, he has never had to face consequences that are painful enough to give him a good enough reason to stop.

THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION. It is not why guys in general cheat on their girlfriends but why your boyfriend cheated on you. In my next blog I will talk about how to figure that out.

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162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

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160. Using Your Anger for Good

106. SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

Dawson — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:00:00 GMT

We have reached the top of the mountain—the end of our journey through the 50 most pressing questions you have had about the opposite sex. If you look over the past 24 blogs (we’ve done two questions per blog), you’ll have a great resource to help you get through any questions or confusion you might have regarding any important relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Before we begin a new topic next week, let’s answer these two final questions.

QUESTION #49) Michael asked: “What is the thinking of those who are either dating or just going to the prom? It is my way of thinking if someone is dating, they should be considering getting married sometime in their future, and the same for the prom. Is it just a cool social thing to do, or a really serious time of considering your future?”

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart.

DAWSON: Michael, you’re blowing my mind. You obviously are a serious thinker who has come to some radical, but amazing conclusions. Most guys don’t put that much thought or consideration into what they are doing when they take out a girl. Yes, dating can be a very serious matter. It can be serious stuff because when two people start sharing their lives together in an intimate way, feelings and emotions get intensified, making it easier for people to get hurt. But, dating can also be a very meaningful and fun—and a great way to learn about yourself.

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart. By heart I mean, the very core of their emotions—the place where they really live. They’re not careful of who they date, or what they do, as long as they feel like they are in love, or someone cares about them. People who don’t guard their hearts are easily used by manipulators and their own emotions that spin out of control. Most people who don’t guard their heart end up in fast, emotional, destructive relationships. I have talked to so many people whose lives have been scarred, or permanently altered because of irresponsible dating. Dating is not a game, it is an activity where people can grow in personal relationships, or get themselves really hurt. I can’t say it enough, Michael, everyone needs to guard their heart so we don’t have any more emotional victims all around us.

Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be.

With that being said, I’d encourage you to not take dating (or even taking girls on special event dates like the prom) so seriously that it prevents you from having a good time and getting to know people from the opposite sex. There is a lot of fun to be had by just social dating—meaning, you’re not dating strictly one person, but just having good social times with different girls. It’s important to be clear about what you’re doing when you’re socially dating, and not trying to convince each girl she is the only one! Spending one on one time with someone of the opposite sex will be very helpful for you to learn what kind of woman you’d eventually like to marry, and will help you learn better how to treat the women in your life. Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be. But keep in mind you have to guard your heart.

QUESTION #50) Jody asked: “Sex – how far is too far in a dating relationship? My conscience has been bothering me.”

DAWSON: Your conscience is a really good indicator to let you know when you are, or someone else is, crossing your own personal boundaries and deep value system. You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards. It does, however, require you to set and follow clear standards for how far you will go on a date. Here are a few principles you may want to apply to your own dating relationships:

You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards.

The “Selfish Touch” Principle – this refers to touching someone in a way that arouses both their sexual and their deep emotional desires. If a guy (or it could just as easily be a girl toward a guy) touches a woman in a way that arouses her passion, he has acted selfishly and has gone too far.
The “Sex Controls the Date” Principle – Our lives should not be controlled or “mastered” by anything. If the physical or sexual part of your relationship is controlling or dominating your time together, then you’ve gone too far. The question to ask yourself is this: If you took all physical activity out of your relationship would there be enough left of that relationship to continue?
The “Sex Controls My Thoughts” Principle – Our minds should not be constantly dwelling on passion and sex. If what you do on a date causes you or your partner to constantly fantasize about sex, you have gone too far.
The “Does It Cause Me to Mislead” Principle – Any kind of sexual activity can lead your dating partner to believe you are more committed to him/her than you really are. If your sexual activity on a date has misled your partner concerning your true feelings and commitment, you have gone too far.
The “Ten Year Later” Principle – Anything you do today will have an effect for years to come. Will you be able to look your partner in the eye, or perhaps your current partner’s future spouse, ten years from now and be proud about how you treated him/her today? Your goal should be to leave the person you’re dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Your goal should be to leave the person you’re dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Thanks for all your help in making the “Top 50 Questions You Have About the Opposite Sex” a huge success. It’s been great to get to answer your questions, and then hear your thoughts on my answers.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Next week I’m going to begin a series about Lying—what it is, why we do it, what it does to us, how to stop doing it, and how to help a friend stop lying. And as always, I’m going to need your help. Please tell me your story about how you’ve been affected by either your own lying, or someone else’s lying. It will help me so much as I’m writing about this incredibly complex topic.

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Dawson's Blog : Opposite Sex

169. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 3): Coming Home

168. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 2): The Dreaded Deployment

167. MILITARY RELATIONSHIPS (part 1): I Didn't Sign Up for This!

166. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 2 of 2)

165. Six Things You Had to Say About Cheating (part 1 of 2)

164. Finding the Right Guy - Revisited

163. Moving on From a Cheating Boyfriend — Six Things Not to Do

162. Why Did Your Guy Cheat on You?

161. Why Guys Cheat on Their Girlfriends?

106. SEX - How Far Is Too Far?

105. How To Handle Mixed Signals

104. Keeping A Relationship Alive

103. Should Race or Skin Color Affect Who You Date

102. Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently Than Men

101. Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

100. Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

99. Moving Beyond Just Friends

98. Keeping Your Personal Boundaries

97. Moving Past Relationship Mistakes

96. When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Someone

95. Why Do Girls Dress So Provocatively?

94. Can I Trust Anyone?

93. Why Do People Play Mind Games?

92. Is My Best Friend Falling For Me?

91. Why Rush Into Marriage?

90. How To Date Meaningfully

89. I'm Just Not That Into You

88. How To Get To Know Someone Of The Opposite Sex.

87. Do I Have To Read Her Mind?

86. Why Do People Get Jealous?

85. Why Girls Go For Bad Guys

84. Finding Out How She Feels About You

83. Understanding The Opposite Sex: Part 3

82. Understanding the Opposite Sex: 50 Questions You Asked

81. Understanding The Opposite Sex

9. Finding The Right Guy