Why Keep A Relationship Secret?

When you are in a dating relationship all kinds of questions come up, especially at the beginning.  I get asked a lot of questions about this and so today I have some new relationship advice to offer.

The Start of a Dating Relationship

The start of a dating relationship can be a wild time as you are both just trying to figure out all the details. Things like:

  • How/when do you tell other people about your relationship?
  • When are you going to make time for each other?
  • Falling hard for someone really quickly

Let's Start off with Amy who asks the first question, "I've been seeing a guy for about a month now. Neither of us has told anyone about the relationship I sort of want to, but he does not."

Why Does My Boyfriend Feel the Need to Keep Our Relationship a Secret?  Should I Be Worried?

Anytime There Is Secrecy Involved in a Relationship, There’s a Cause for Worry.

Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship. I'm not sure what the exact situation is with your boyfriend, but he may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed.

Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.

Secrecy in Relationships Is Cause for Concern

Relationships should be about joy, happiness, and love...not secrecy. If I, were you, I would tell him how much you're enjoying your relationship with him, but how difficult it is to not be able to talk about it with those who are closest to you. Ask him if you could tell your best friend about the relationship and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, maybe it's okay to not to push your secret boyfriend to immediately "define" your relationship. Some people feel they have to tell the world when they are dating someone. This can be frightening to guys who are often afraid of calling something a relationship before they are really sure what it is.

Time and communication are going to be your two best friends in this situation. In the end, if he really cares about you, he'll want the world to know.

Tasha brings us the next new relationship question:

What Should You Do When You Fall Hard for Someone and In a Really Short Time?

What You’re Dealing With Is a Lot of Fantasy and not a lot of Reality.

What you're experiencing happens to a lot of people. It's called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.

There is nothing wrong with being infatuated, most relationships start there. But you just can't build a lasting relationship with looks alone. You are probably feeling a great deal of attraction, even though you don't know much about him. I would be very cautious if I were you because you're dealing with a lot of emotion and fantasy, and not a lot of reality.

You're most likely living off of the thoughts about "how great it would be to have this person love me and care for me" and the emotional high when he begins to show signs, he really cares for you.

Over Time, You’ll Find a Whole lot More of Who He Really Is, Not What You Dream He Is.

While it's difficult to do, you need to slow down your emotions. It's a very confusing time, and you might be tempted to say or do things you will later regret. Get to know him as a friend and let him get to know you.

In this situation, time is one of your best friends, because over time, you'll find a whole lot more of who he really is, not what you dream he is. You will be able to make a better decision about whether or not to get more involved with him at that point. In this case, let your head tell you how to act, as opposed to your emotions.

Avoiding Heartbreak

I hear from a lot of people who are struggling with a broken heart.  Some of my most read blogs are about getting over a broken heart.  Not every broken heart is avoidable, but the two questions I was asked above to point to ways to protect yourself. Don't jump in too fast and beware of secrets.

Relationship decisions are a big deal. That's why I am asked so many questions about them.  So I would always encourage you to pray to God about any relationship you are entering, especially if you have some concerns.  Ask God if this is what he really desires for you.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

God wants the best for you. So, ask him to help you make the best decisions with your relationships.

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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140 comments on “Why Keep A Relationship Secret?”

  1. Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we live together and things don't seem right. I've caught him texting another girl, flirting with her and everything. We got into an argument over it and he stopped texting her and I forgave him. Just a few moments ago, I went through his phone and had found that he was texting another girl. What this one said was that she was suppose go over to our house while I was at work and bring him something. What was wrong was that he texted her back saying "I don't want to get caught by my "friend" she's a little over protective. We should meet at my cousins house." Which now explains why he went over there that night and stayed until 3am. Now everyone tells me I should leave him and that I deserve better. I'm on the edge and I love him and want to stay with him, but the fact that he continues to do this, makes me want to leave for good.

  2. I'm 16 years old, almost 17 and in my first serious relationship- I'm a late bloomer, I know. I'm a lesbian, but I'm going to hope that doesn't matter as far as circumstances go. Ever since I was very young, my mother has been my only confidant on emotional matters. The ONLY one. Family relations have improved in the past year or two, so naturally, when my girlfriend said "yes" when I suggested we date about a month ago, I told my mother first, and then my older brother, and a few of my closest friends that she was my girlfriend.
    She refers to me as her girlfriend as well in private, but when she tells one of her friends about me, she calls me her "friend" even though she's out of the closet to nearly everyone she talks about.
    I try to ask permission to tell someone new, especially outside of the family, and the answer is usually "I don't care," but recently, she found out my mother knew and asked under her breath all quiet like "Why do you keep telling everyone???"
    Was I wrong to get so excited?

  3. I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and we seem so fine together like we do everything together but its kind of strange when we upload a status or picture on social media everything is hidden on his wall like he doesn't want anyone to see what is going on with us. we all know social media is the best way to show off.

    1. I have a similar situation, My gf and I have been dating for 8months now but I've know her for 6yrs she refuses to post our picture on FB where all her friends are but she'll post it on IG where no one but family is on. I feel as if she's trying to keep us a secret from her Ex or someone she maybe talking to now. If I try to post a picture and tag her she gets extremely mad....

  4. i have been dating my gf for 3 years and we lived together for almost 3 years, we have been on and off for quite some time, but before we dated i knew her cuz she went to my old hs shes 4 years younger than me, well im bisexual and shes straight. i knew that thats why i never got at her because i dont bother to deal with straight girls much. well she started flirting with me she got at me and asked me out which i said yes cuz she was this beautiful girl asking ME out. i fell in love and my whole family (even my parents that didnt accept this) found out and still welcomed her and treated her like family. all my friends kno of us. but with her some of her friends kno, and maybe like 5 family members kno of us but she hides me from everyone else, doesnt bring me around family events or to go over their houses, but yet she always comes over my familys events and gets to be part of that part of my life. idk why she does this to me she says she loves me and doesnt wanna be with anyone else and only sees herself with me but says she can never tell her family of us and it breaks me cuz i want that! :/ i just dont kno what else to do. i hate being a secret it hurts

  5. I've been talking to a guy that I really like and he tells me not to tell anyone that were talking. He said its because he can get into trouble at our job because of his boss. Is he really keeping us a secret because he is embarrassed or what? Last night he told me he can't talk to me because I told a friend about us and she went to him about it. Should let him go or try to get him back because he means the world to me.

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