Archives for August 2017

Why Do People Play Mind Games in Relationships?

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let’s include both sides here.

There could be a number of reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don’t even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

Here are a few reasons I’ve observed over the years and how to respond.

Reason #1 To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

sex
always having someone by their side
having someone adore them
a need to control someone
hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It’s very important for the person who’s playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly, and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they’ll quit not only messing with your head, but also with your heart. You don’t need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, “A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others.” Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone on what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know their playing. But just remember this: don’t simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a really great loving relationship, but I sure don’t want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

Relationship Reality Check: Is Your Relationship Unhealthy?

What’s another reason for mind games?

Reason #2 They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped. In another question, Brittany asked: Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?

Some people just want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool. All of this comes from low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still, others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well, that stinks…so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others.

I have one more reason for mind games…

Reason #3 Testing The Water

Other times people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder. Remember a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they also are very much afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward…

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship. This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have GREAT rewards or at the very least allow you to move on.

I hope that one of the two eBooks below will help you understand the opposite sex. They are free for you to download.

Your Friend,

Photo Credit: Relevante design

6 Ways to Silence Shame

Have you ever heard that little voice in your head say…?

“You don’t fit in”

“Nobody likes you”

“You’re stupid”

“You’re the only one who has made this mistake”

“How could God love you? I mean He really knows everything about you”

“You’re not lovable”

“You will never fulfill your destiny”

Have you ever felt like…?

“Everyone is against me”

“I’m not as good as others”

“I just can’t do anything right”

“Maybe if I just try harder, then…”

“I’m all alone”

“I hate myself”

“I’m worthless”

If you answered “yes” to any of these statements, shame could be speaking to you.

Shame Has Been Speaking Since the Garden of Eden

When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, guilt was an appropriate symptom of their disobedience. Guilt is built into our conscience to let us know when we have done something that threatens our connection with God.

Guilt is actually a good thing. It’s like a warning light on a car’s dashboard that lets you know when something needs attention before the engine blows up.

Guilt is from God

Shame is from Satan

Guilt says, “You did something wrong,” like when the apostle Paul said, “All have sinned” (Rom. 3:23). Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Guilt is about what we’ve done.

Shame goes further: It speaks to who we are.

Shame is the sense of feeling unworthy. It’s a core (even subconscious) belief of unworthiness.

Shame says, “You are wrong.” “You are a sinner.” “You are bad.” “You are not good enough.”

Shame asks, “Who do you think you are?

Change the Pattern of Negative Self-Talk

Shame Attempts to Speak to Our Identity

If the devil can convince us that we do not have a supernatural identity as children of God, then he can derail us from our supernatural destiny.

When Jesus was baptized, he heard the Father say, “This is my son…” Identity. Interestingly, Jesus did not preach one message, heal one sick person, or prophesy until he first heard of his true identity. We can only fulfill our supernatural destiny to the degree that we believe our supernatural identity.

Shame Tries to Talk Us Out of Our Identity

After his baptism, Jesus was led out into the desert to be tempted by the devil. Two times, the devil assaulted Jesus’ identity when he challenged him, saying, “If you are the Son of God, turn these stones into bread.” And then, “If you are the Son of God, jump off of the temple’s roof.”

The devil was attempting to tempt Jesus into performing to prove his identity because he knew that if Jesus took the challenge, it would demonstrate that he did not really know who he was. Moreover, he would have to spend the rest of his life proving his identity over and over. Knowing our true identity prevents performance for approval.

Shame is the Source of Perfectionism

Shame always seeks to seduce its prey into perfectionism. When we listen to shame, we will never feel secure in our identity. We will always need to do more to prove that “we are O.K.”, while never actually appeasing shame’s appetite for approval.

The pursuit of feeling worthy by being better, more successful, thinner, smarter, wealthier, accomplished, or even in “good” busyness, is a futile attempt at cultivating a godly sense of worthiness.

The apostle Paul states in Ephesians 2:10 that, “We are saved by grace, not of ourselves; it is a gift of God, so that no one can boast.” That means you cannot earn worthiness. We are worthy of God’s love because of His grace – nothing more.

Additionally, we were God’s treasures before we ever became Christians – “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).” When God created Adam and Eve, He said that they were “good;” they had intrinsic worth – worthiness – His treasures.

Shame Silencers:

Learn how to recognize God’s voice from the devil’s voice.

Ask yourself, “Is what I’m hearing the truth or a lie?” Try writing down all of the times shame speaks to you during the day. You may be surprised at how often shame is speaking.

Learn how to be vulnerable.

Shame loves secrecy. The truth will set us free. Being open and honest requires great risk, but also reaps great reward. Begin with yourself, God, and then reach out to someone who can give you good feedback. Telling someone that we have been listening to shame releases us from the power of secrecy, and silences shame.

Learn to recognize your feelings.

Empathy is the antidote to shame. When we are able to discern and identify our feelings and the feelings of others, it creates a pathway to finding out what we need from God, others, and ourselves. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” “What do I need?”

Learn to take every thought captive.

You are going to be tempted to believe and act in negative, hurtful, and dysfunctional ways to the shame messages spoken to you. Shame is silenced when we take ownership of our mistakes, accept our limitations, deficiencies, and limitations, as well as interpret other people’s motives correctly. Take responsibility in submitting shaming thoughts and feelings to become obedient to Christ’s perspective (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Learn how to listen through the ears of faith.

Ask yourself, “What does God want to say to me about my identity right now?” “What does He think about me?” Additionally, begin reading Scripture from the perspective that God is for you, that you are a good man or woman, that you are a saint saved by grace, an overcomer, the apple of His eye.

Learn to be grateful.

The fact is that you are wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). Being grateful for how God has made you in all of your limitations and imperfections will help you to replace shame with acceptance and love. Every time you hear shame messages left on your mental voice mail, erase them with gratitude. Thankfulness prepares the way for a breakthrough.

Are you struggling with forgiving yourself? Find out how your past guilt and shame is causing self-hate and learn how to move past it here.

Written by: Kris Vallotton, this post was originally published on MoralRevolution.com, it has been reused with the permission of Moral Revolution.

Tania’s Story: Not Believing In Myself

I always felt worthless…not good enough, not smart, nor beautiful. I wanted to do things that I knew weren’t right, but I wanted to do those things to forget…to forget what I was going through at the moment . I felt like everyone around me disliked me. I was so insecure of me, all of me. I thought about doing things but every time I had a thought of those, my daughter’s little smile would appear. Every time I was down crying , she was there to pick her mamma back up. Looking at her motivated me to think better and to do better things not only for me but most importantly for my daughter. I became a Christian and accepted Jesus Christ in my life about 6 months ago…trust me when I say he is real, I love him so very much. I know I’m a strong single mother and will be able to do it on my own without having to depend on anything. I’m no longer insecure about myself because I know that I’m perfect to God. I wake up every morning calling myself beautiful after looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth. God is amazing. And remember: “Believe in yourself, anything is possible!”

Tania

Believe in yourself, anything is possible! - Tania Click To Tweet

If you are feeling alone and are dealing with something that is emotionally painful…let us help you. Chat with a caring, loving HopeCoach!

Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash

Don’t stay in that place of feeling worthless, it’s going to take time to change what you think about yourself but it’s possible. TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice about how to increase your self-esteem.

I’m Just Not That Into You

Answers to Your Questions about the Opposite Sex

Let’s face it, understanding the opposite sex can be confusing. One minute he seems to like you and the next he’s just not that into you. She says she’s doing fine, but she sure doesn’t act like it. Do you have to read her mind? These are things YOU wanted to know. I will attempt to answer some of your questions about the opposite sex in this blog.

There was a movie about relationships (based on a popular book) called He’s Just Not That Into You. I didn’t see it, but the bottom line of the story is that men are not complicated. If he doesn’t ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to spend more time with you after a date, then “he’s just not that into you.” These might seem like simple words, but they can still be harsh for a woman to hear. However, the words can also be very freeing. She is then free to move on to another guy, and not waste her time with someone who’s not into her.

However, understanding these clear signs that a guy is not that into a girl, doesn’t even come close to clearing up all the confusion. In fact, it leads to even more questions.

How to Let a Girl Down Easy

The first question I’d like to address comes from a guy who asked to remain anonymous, and it completely relates to whether there is a better way to let a girl down then ignoring them.

He asked, How does a guy politely say he is not attracted to a girl? She may be nice, well grounded spiritually, and a great future wife, but when there is no physical attraction, how should that be communicated to the girl?

As we mentioned, most guys will just brush the girl off, and ignore her, neglecting any kind of future contact with her. This is a pretty sad treatment of women. So let’s decide to buck the system and treat women with respect and admiration. So how do you do it?

Here are a few pointers:

Keep it simple. Don’t make a big deal about it, you’ll only make her feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes the best way is to be as honest as possible. But instead of just dropping the bomb on her, you can tell her you’re flattered and you appreciate her kindness toward you. And then just say you’re not as attracted to her as you’d like to be toward someone you’d like to date.
If you want to be friends with her and nothing more intimate, tell her. But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t. Don’t lead her on.
If the girl hasn’t come right out and asked you if you’re attracted to her, there might not be any reason to confront the situation. Just be yourself and be kind to her, like you would be to anyone else.

Always remember to address a situation like this apart from other people. Don’t make a scene and embarrass the other person. Treat her like you’d like to be treated yourself. The fact you are concerned about addressing this in a polite and respectful way means you’re already off to great start.

How Can you Tell When a Guy Likes You?

Chrissie asked: Why do guys act weird around you when they like you?

It is true most guys act weird, or get nervous, around girls they like. Charlie agreed: Stammering and making jokes are common. Trust me, there are few guys who really have deep feelings for a girl that can approach the situation totally calm. But why do they do this?

Guys hate rejection. They hate to make themselves vulnerable to a girl, and then get shot down. This nervousness, or acting weird comes from this place of not knowing exactly how to balance their fear and their excitement, so the guy gets a bit wobbly and tongue-tied.

This is the reason guys will flirt with girls. They will drop hints here and there to see how the girl will react. This way, it’s easier to know what the girl is thinking when he sees how she responds to his flirting.

Here are some other signs he might like you:

When you talk with him about other people who you have dated or are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging or does he become quiet and distant? A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.
Does he seem to want to spend time only with you or is he okay doing things in groups? A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

Do I Have to Read His or Her Mind?

Robert asked, “I have found that girls tend not to speak their minds. Why is that? When you ask, How are you doing?’ they may say, I’m all right,’ when they’re feeling completely the opposite. Do I have to read her mind??”

I have heard that same question from both sexes. Everyone’s deepest desire is to be loved by someone who knows everything about us and still loves us! So it would stand to reason then that our biggest fear is that someone would know all about us and reject us. And so we go back and forth with someone we care about. At some moments we dare to show who we are. At other times we cover up what we think might not be met with approval.

The key here is good communication. If you are feeling frustrated by always having to guess how he/she is feeling, or exhausted by trying to read his/her mind, try gently asking them what they truly mean. In fact your effort to discover what they are honestly feeling might assure them of your desire to really know them.

It’s also important to express your commitment when they reveal vulnerable areas of their life. Tell them how much you care about them, and how you desire to understand them better. We all long to be listened to and understood. If you are confused by what they really mean, taking the time to ask for clarification instead of just walking away in a huff will show real love.

What do Guys Look for First?

Back to a common question girls ask about figuring out what guys are thinking. Miranda asked: What exactly do boys think about and look for when they FIRST meet you? I wonder all the time, and I try to read their faces – but what really goes on in their heads?

Honestly…most guys look first to see how attractive the girl is (remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder!), or if there is some kind of chemistry between them. This is the case nine times out of ten. Most guys are very visual and for whatever reason, quickly sum up the impression they have received from the girl in a matter of seconds.

After that, most guys try to figure out what kind of person you are. For example: Are you kind? Are you confident? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you shy? Arrogant? Can you carry on a good conversation? Do you have anything in common? Do you show any signs of being interested in them? Remember, most guys make quick observations about these things.

I’m guessing behind your question is an even more practical one: How do I get guys to notice me? The easy answer to that one is: By being attractive. But you have to realize being attractive doesn’t necessarily mean hot or gorgeous. It means being comfortable in your own skin, it means you take more of an interest in other people than in yourself, it means you make other people feel good around you.

If guys aren’t noticing you as much as you’d like, it could be you’re not portraying who you really are. More times than not, it is how you feel about yourself that determines how attractive you really are. Not every guy is going to think you’re the hottest, most beautiful woman in the world. Who cares! What matters is you are who you are, and that you’re becoming more loving every day. In the end, that will attract the kind of guy you need to be with anyway.

You might also enjoy some of my other blogs on Understanding the Opposite Sex

When Should a Guy Stop Pursuing a Girl

How to Know if A Girl Likes You

Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently than Men?