Have you ever wondered, "Is my boyfriend right for me?" Have you stayed in a relationship too long with the wrong person? Are you trying to force a relationship to work when you know it is a lost cause? Then you will relate to this story and the lessons learned along the way.

How it Began

He sat alone on the other side of the room. The new guy in my senior class. Mysterious but definitely worth another glance. Our eyes made contact and the emotions I immediately felt astonished me. I blinked and looked away. He did, too. I know because I glanced at him again. And he caught me doing it. So, I gathered the girls sitting next to me and told them we ought to be nice and go say hi. Safety in numbers.

He began to hang out with my crowd and was accepted. But soon, it would be just the two of us walking along or in conversation in the corner of the room. We became more physical in expressing our feelings. I felt truly pretty for the first time in my life. Sunshine covered my world.

At first, he treated me really well. All my friends commented on how amazing we were together. He was really into me and wanted to do the things I liked. He bought me small gifts and his well-timed kisses melted my heart. Sure, he talked me into doing things I normally wouldn’t do, but I wanted to please him. Being with him made me feel great. Everyone knew we were an item. We were rarely not with the other, as if glued at the hip.

I Need Space

Then things changed. At first, I didn’t really notice. Or I should say I chose to ignore the signs. The times he showed up an hour late and then spent the rest of the evening apologizing. The red rims under his eyelids he said were because work and school were getting to him. The times he seemed to be elsewhere, and I’d have to draw his attention back to me. Then came the dreaded request — “I need space.”

I gave it to him. I figured it was temporary. We all go through stress, and though I wanted to be there for him, he said he wanted to be alone. I tried to not let that get to me. It did. Midnights would find me hugging my pillow in tears, not knowing how to talk with him about this change in his feelings for me.

He wasn’t around as much. I watched as he slipped out of my life, gradually at first. Then like a skateboard picking up momentum on the downhill, he zipped away, leaving me devastated. Confused. Rejected. In anguish. What had I done?

Ignoring Warning Signs

Friends began to tell me they had seen him with another girl. I know they meant well in telling me, but I really didn’t want to know. Two months later he appeared outside of one of my favorite hangouts and asked if we could talk. I almost didn’t recognize him. His skin was greyish and his eyes hollow. He told me we got too close, and it scared him, but he realized being without me was worse. I took him back, and things were the way they had been when we first met. For a while. Then the old pattern began to surface. This time, I was the one who walked. A famous statesman once said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Three months later he appeared at my door. He finally confessed that he was into drugs and all along I had been the other girl. He thought because I was wholesome and good, I could save him. But her pull and the drugs were too strong. Now she was pregnant. Even though he didn’t love her, they were going to try to make a go of it and enter rehab together, for the sake of the baby. Part of me admired him for his honesty and courage, but most of me wanted to claw out his eyes.

The wrong guy taught me a lot of the right things

Emotions cannot be the foundation for a relationship. Neither can sex. You have to take it slow and learn about each other before you make any commitment to become exclusive. See how they interact with their family and yours. And ask your true and close friends for their honest instincts about him.

Don’t hide your true self thinking the person you want to attract would be turned off by it and try not to always do things or say things just to please the other one. That is being fake. If they don’t like you for who you are, it won’t work. If they can’t see around your hang-ups and quirks, then they don’t truly care.

You can’t change anyone. They can’t change you.

You can’t try to be a different person than who you are just because your heart is drawn to someone. If there is something you want to change about yourself, you have to do it for you. It’s unfair to put that pressure on someone else. Besides, it rarely turns out the way you expect.

If you don’t feel good about yourself, you need to deal with it — not depend on someone to make you feel better. It’s not fair to him or you, and most likely he is not going to like you for the real you when it surfaces, and it will. He may just see you as an easy target or a game to boost his ego. The result? Someone, probably both of you, will end up hurt.

If you are in the grip of heartbreak from a breakup, we understand how devastating and embarrassing it can be. We get the anger, the aching loneliness, and the doubt. Maybe you're worried that the guy you're with now is wrong for you.

This Guest Post was used with permission. Originally published by issuesiface.com.

Struggling with a Broken Heart? Download this free eBook today.

Above All Else, Guard Your Heart...

In this episode:

Do you have a relationship sucking the life and energy from you? Maybe you don’t even realize your relationship is dragging you down. If it’s poisoning your self-esteem and happiness then chances are it’s extremely toxic, which means…time to get out! In this episode, I talk with Ashely about all the toxic, hurtful things her messed up boyfriend does to her. Then I talk with Kelsea, who’s boyfriend is sucking the life out of her causing her to be confused and miserable. Lastly, I talk with Jess. He and his girlfriend keep going back to the destructive parts of their relationship causing confusion, hurt and chaos in their relationship.

Hurt Repeatedly

Ashley’s messed up boyfriend has hurt her repeatedly. He’s done many terrible things, including:

  • Bringing way too much drama to the relationship
  • Stolen money from Ashley
  • Left her all alone
  • Lied to her countless times
  • Doesn’t take responsibility for his children
  • Repeatedly breaks his promises

He’s also a player, a user, an abuser and is a guy lacking a conscience. As you can tell, there is no question, Ashley is in a toxic relationship. The longer she stays in it, the more difficult it will be for her to end it.

The good news is Ashley has friends who will support her. She’s not alone. God is with her to help her do what she must do. As scary as it is, Ashley should have a restraining order put on him, and break off all contact, even if it means she must move away.

But as long as she gives him hope, he’ll hang around, trying all of his tricks again and again. Ashley needs to cut off all ties with him, no matter what.

Confused and Miserable

Kelsea’s been dating a guy for 2 years. He’s caused Kelsea to be confused and miserable because:

  • He like many other toxic people have trust issues.
  • He is talking to another girl. He even goes to this girl’s apartment alone. He’s told this other girl he has feelings for her and sends her inappropriate texts and pictures.
  • He lies to Kelsea repeatedly.
  • He brings a lot of terrible drama to her life. She finds herself sitting in the counselor’s office at school, crying her eyes out.

It’s all so sad! Kelsea’s boyfriend is toxic and he’s sucking the life right out of her, causing her to be miserable, and confused. So, even though Kelsea is beginning to recognize the cruel things he has done to her, she feels he still loves her. Why would she believe that? No one else does. Everybody else knows he’s a loser but she keeps telling herself lies about him. She fears if she ever faces the truth, she will have to leave him and to her that would be the ultimate heartbreak. She would rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all.

It Takes Courage to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes when people are single, they feel like they’ve failed. But really, they are just without a boyfriend or girlfriend at the time. It’s not forever. They tie their self-worth to if they have a relationship with someone. Their whole self-esteem cries out, “Better to be in a toxic relationship than be single.” That, of course, is a lie.

It takes far more courage to leave a toxic relationship and be single and healthy than to stay in the toxic relationship. There will always be people to date, but the question is, who is this person? Am I growing when I’m with them? Am I just going to plow into another relationship unprotected and clamoring to meet needs the other person can’t meet?

Mixed Signals and Obsession

Jess and his girlfriend have drama and chaos in their relationship. They are sleeping together causing confusion and hurt. They find themselves going back to the destructive part of their relationship.

His girlfriend’s hurting him by acting like she loves him again and then breaks it off. This is not healthy. There’s too much confusion with her mixed signals and his obsession to be with her. Their relationship is toxic.

If you don’t break off a toxic relationship, you are feeding it, making matters worse.  Toxic relationships never die on their own.

Someone has to put an end to the whole thing and that’s never easy. But in the future, you’ll be able to look back and say why did it take so long for me to end it?

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

The Bible commands we are to guard our hearts, but few people really do. Most don’t stop to ask the hard questions or show a willingness to even consider who the other person is, or whether or not they bring toxicity with them. People will always pay a price when they jump into a relationship without first committing to guard their heart.

The Bible in Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God says for us to guard our hearts above all things. That means YOU need to guard your own heart, no one else will do it for you.

If you are in a toxic relationship, it’s not too late for you to start to guard your heart. It’s time to break off ties with someone who is only bringing you pain and heartache. Then ask God to heal your brokenness and commit to guarding your heart. Ask God for wisdom to do all of this. as Jesus said, “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16.

Resources for Identifying a Toxic Relationship:

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Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Your scars are proof that God heals.

We live in a world that calls failure a weakness, and labels weakness a flaw. We are taught to mask the truth because, “it’s better if you keep your pain to yourself,” and that the best way to lead is from our strengths instead of our weakness. This is not the way to live, and I'd encourage you to do exactly the opposite.

If I can be honest, I think our world has built itself on a shallow and narrow foundation. The truth is that this foundation is ready to crack at any second. Our society doesn't allow people the freedom to share their pains, their struggles or their hardships. These "dark times" have become surrounded by stigmas and kept quiet instead of being allowed to be spoken of freely. While I know this is just my opinion, I think I have a pretty valid point to stand upon.

1. “Crying is not allowed.”

2. “Keep your pain to yourself.”

3. “Don't show your weaknesses.”

There is hope.

These are things we’ve heard throughout life. And while many of us may try to shake off their weight, you’d be surprised to know how many people are haunted by these thoughts on a daily basis. I believe in a God of Grace, love, and second chances. And if it wasn’t for those divine qualities all working together, I can promise you that I wouldn’t be standing here today. I’ve been redeemed. No matter how dark and desolate your life is or was, there is hope and God can take your life to places you never thought imaginable. Every cut, bruise and broken bone can be mended and made new by the love of God.

I am not proud of my past.

I’m not proud of my past, but I wear my scars on my sleeve because I am proud of who I’ve become in Christ. You should as well. These scars remind us that we can conquer all things and that healing is possible. There is nothing too broken for God. He can fix anything because he created everything, and that includes you.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”—2 Corinthians 5:17

My failures and mistakes are NOT my most treasured moments, but because of them I am now a living testimony of His redemption and grace. Guess what? So are you!  Your story, your past, your suffering and pain, it can all be used as a testimony and story to help others.

Your story is His glory. Share it with the world. Don’t hide your scars, wear them as proof that God heals. It's okay to not be okay.

This blog was originally published on Anthem of Hope, a non-profit dedicated to illuminating hope for those battling brokenness, depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide and addiction.

Do you feel like the pain will never end?

Your future is amazing and we want to show you how you can find lasting hope in knowing that you are loved and have a purpose! Download our free eBook, Understanding Hope, for help. 

If you or a friend need support right now, please visit the suicide prevention resource page. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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