Guest Post by Aimee Wathen
The equation for a healthy relationship and how to tell if you’re in one or ready for one.
Relationships can be are tough. They take work. They take commitment. They can’t give up when it gets hard. They should strive to, not only see the good in the person but also help each other become the best version of themselves.
Anyone who argues that is a prime candidate for this post.
So, what’s the magic equation for a healthy relationship?
I’m not sure there is one, but I can certainly think of some qualities and habits that are essential for beating the odds.
Common Beliefs/Lifestyle
This tops the list for a reason. I don’t care how great your communication or loyalty is with your significant other if you don’t have this, all other aspects that make a relationship good will eventually become a colossal challenge.
How do I know? Because I’ve lived it. And I’ve watched nearly all of my friends live it too.
I would argue that nearly all relationships start with a physical attraction. It’s just the reality of it, so let’s be adults and admit it. The whole “love is blind” cliche quote was likely derived from this stage. At the beginning of every relationship, or heck even a mini-crush (as my girlfriends in college used to refer to them as), you become wrapped up in getting to know the person. The basic stuff. The exciting stuff. The areas that this person chooses to reveal to you. I’m not saying people aren’t open books – I most certainly am from the beginning of a relationship, but even red flags are ignored, or worse; seem endearing – almost as if you’re the only person they’ve ever let in on that deep of a level.
But once the excitement of this new relationship wears off, where do you two stand? Do you agree on the big things? Faith? Family? How you want to live your life? Ask yourself that, and be honest with the answer.
As I’ve gotten older and moved halfway across the country, it’s become increasingly more difficult to detect this critical aspect of a relationship early on. Almost entirely because I don’t know these guys from Adam, unlike when I lived in Nashville and had at least 20 mutual friends with a prospective boyfriend. My advice? Take a few weeks to get to know this person in a group setting. This will help you learn more about the person before you engage in an emotional connection. This can protect you, to some degree, from having your heart override knowledge. One-on-one time forms habits, emotional ties and comfort zones which lead to overlooking the big stuff like – common beliefs and lifestyles. Don’t believe me? Go find a handsome and witty guy, who you have nothing in common with other than attraction, and tell me that charm doesn’t make you feel attached. Kidding. Mostly.
Communication
Of course, communication is key, but I’m not talking about word vomiting because you feel entitled to hash out every rational or irrational thought you’re having. Your significant other isn’t a sounding board for your insecurities. I learned that the hard way.
There is a right and wrong way to communicate. You must learn to communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with him or her. You can talk about how you’re feeling all day long, but if the other party interprets the message or tone wrong, you will get absolutely nowhere. If you’re confused about why you’re having the same conversation time and time again, ASK QUESTIONS. The best thing I learned during a relationship building course at church was; during discussions or arguments, ask the other person what they heard from you. It seems cheesy, and both he and I laughed through it (probably not great because the other couples were in marriage crisis mode and we were in the honeymoon phase), but it worked.
I highly recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It will give you a better understanding of how that person feels loved and better insight into their communication style because of how they love. It creates awareness of each other’s needs.
It’s imperative that both of you feel comfortable and confident enough that the conversations you two have will only build more respect and understanding for one another. If you bottle up feelings or resort to harsh tones, it will only build resentment and likely ruin your communication because one, or both of you, will emotionally shut down.
There's a right and wrong way to communicate. Communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with them. Click To Tweet
Quality Time and Time Apart
Quality over Quantity
I love making memories. Anything from talking over coffee on the porch, cooking together, running errands, or special events. I don’t need to go on extravagant trips with my person to feel like it’s quality time. What I desire, and I think most people desire, is a real connection. Having someone in the room with you during all your free time doesn’t automatically make the relationship blossom. If you’re not investing thought into creating memories, you’re not doing yourself or the relationship justice.
Maintain Independence
Spending time with your other half is important, but reserving time for friends and your hobbies is as equally important. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again…that person is in your life to share it, not be it. I love reading, riding my bike or even just watching a movie alone. I also love hanging out with my girlfriends. If I know one thing, it’s that all of my friends are there to pick up any broken pieces during or after a relationship. Treat the people in your life with just as much love as you treat your significant other. Trust me. He wants to hang with his buddies without you sometimes too.
Respect, Positivity, and Forgiveness
I’m using all of these as verbs. Action verbs. The act of being respectful, positive and forgiving. During the course of your relationship, you can pretty much count on cycling through each of them. On repeat.
Both of you must respect each other to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, being loyal, and acting as each other’s biggest fan. There is nothing worse for a man than hitting his pride, especially in front of others. Men are wired differently than women. He needs to feel respected. He needs to feel like you’re supportive and proud of him. He wants to lead. The moment you begin to take that away from him is the moment he begins to internalize. Disrespect is going to happen (on accident) because let’s face it, we women are emotional and when we don’t feel loved we tend to react. But that’s where forgiveness comes into play. Just be sure to own up to your actions, ladies.
Respect your partner to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, and being loyal to each other. Click To Tweet
Men: On the other hand, we women, are rooted in needing to feel loved. It’s just the way God created us. You need respect, even if that means we must bite our tongue until after the dinner party, and we need love. Do we need flowers every week? No, although that would be okay 🙂 We want to hold hands, to be told you think we’re pretty, to feel adored in public, to feel cherished. I once had a boyfriend who would bring me coffee in the mornings or leave notes on my car windshield. He would send me songs that made him think of me and hold my hand every time we were in the car. He would fill up my gas tank and take pictures of me when I wasn’t looking, just because he thought I was being cute. I felt SO loved. On the other hand, I’ve dated someone who bought me nice things, had people run errands for me because he was busy and slapped my butt as he walked by. Yet, he also bought me flowers every week. Still, I felt blah. Do you see the difference? Okay, good.
I could go on for days about dating, but I will stop there. It’s a lot to take in. If you’re in a relationship, I encourage you to take this post into account and make adjustments where it’s needed. If you’re like me, and the closest thing you have to a boyfriend or girlfriend is your dog, I urge you to allow this to soak in and practice these habits in your next relationship.
Reach out and let us know your success stories or your biggest dating flops in the comments below. 🙂
LOVE,
Aimee
Aimee Wathan is a 32-year-old Nashville female who loves Jesus and looks at life for what it is; messy and beautiful. After writing for Christian magazines and nonprofit blogs, Balanced Chaos came to life when she realized the world needed a raw dose of reality.
This article was Originally published at Balanced Chaos.
Photo Credit: S A R A H ✗ S H A R P
Do you seem to be caught in an endless cycle of bad dating relationships? Find out how to stop in TheHopeLine’s free eBook.
-Amanda
![Don’t Let Your Pain Go Unseen – [Video]](https://s3.amazonaws.com/com-thehopeline-www/LIVE7_NEW/LIVE/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/24140005/Unseen-Film-1000x593.png)
conquer all things and that healing is possible. There is nothing too broken for God. He can fix anything because he created everything, and that includes you.
I
When she arrives almost 45 minutes late, you’re confident. You have the right words and that old shyness has melted into a hint of mystery.
Work was similar. One Wednesday evening, happy hour turned half my office into smashed zombies who danced on tables, ate Burger King at 1am, and slept under our desks so we could be on time for work in the morning. We told that story for years at happy hour.
What I discovered was that sober life was fun. I tried new things instead of planning a meetup at the bar. I went skeet shooting. Once, I traveled to eat famous Texas barbecue. I started reading and writing more. I still went to the bar with friends, but would order a soda water and lime and drive people home. I had just as much fun as compared to the times I was drinking. After a long period away from alcohol, I learned how to have a drink and even got into the craft brewing scene. I learned to respect alcohol and enforced healthy boundaries around it. The thought of waking up on the weekends with Metallica playing the loudest show ever in my head had lost its appeal.
Are you facing eating issues?
her constant striving to be accepted and loved by everyone.
Love gives life to us as we breathe it in and then we can’t help but spread the love to those around us as we breathe it out. Jarrid Wilson, author of, 
In the same way oxygen gives air to the lungs, love is the oxygen that gives life to our souls. This book is about Jarrid’s discovery of who God is in his life and his encounter with God’s love. For many years, Jarrid knew of God’s love and knew God loved him but had never really grasped a hold of it. It wasn’t until Jarrid was at his lowest point and didn’t want to do life anymore that he had a revelation of God’s love. He had googled, “
You are loved by God! Your life matters! You have a purpose! If you can believe these truths, it will change your life. If you think you don’t matter, you do. Have you contemplated that you have no purpose? It is not true, you absolutely do have a purpose. God loves you, not because of anything you have done or haven’t done but because He created you and loves you just because you are who you are. He made you in His image and he wants to have a relationship with you. He’s already poured out his love (as much as you need – like oxygen), now you just need to recognize it and accept it.
Jarrid Wilson is a husband, father, pastor, author of several books, founder of 
Have you ever heard that little voice in your head say…?
After his baptism, Jesus was led out into the desert to be tempted by the devil. Two times, the devil assaulted Jesus’ identity when he challenged him, saying, “If you are the Son of God, turn these stones into bread.” And then, “If you are the Son of God, jump off of the temple’s roof.”
The fact is that you are wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). Being grateful for how God has made you in all of your limitations and imperfections will help you to replace shame with acceptance and love. Every time you hear shame messages left on your mental voice mail, erase them with gratitude. Thankfulness prepares the way for breakthrough.
As my friends are in their 
For me my learning disabilities don’t go away when I’m not at school. It plays into so many parts of my life – understanding directions, being able to comprehend a conversation, or the instant anxiety that comes when I’m asked to read something out loud. But with difficulty, comes strength. I have essentially been forced into having to be creative when figuring out how to live with these disabilities. For instance, cooking can be extremely hard for me. Reading the directions on a recipe along with numbers can be a nightmare. What do I do? I don’t mess with a recipe. I’ll look at the picture that’s in the cookbook, look at the ingredients and do the best that I can to make the dish look the same as the picture. I have to use all of my senses to understand what’s going on.
More then anything, I want to be book smart but God didn’t create me to be that way. I want to be valued for my intellectual self, not just my outward appearance. I would love to become a medical doctor, lawyer or something that is socially valued to be able to help others with my intellectual abilities but I don’t have those capabilities. What I do have though is a blending sponge, some lipstick to share, and some mascara. That is all I need to make someone’s day special. My value has not decreased, it may just be a little different than yours.
Since placing in the top 7 during “American Idol’s” 11th season and performing for more than a million fans across the country on tours with Britt Nicole, Third Day and TobyMac, it would be easy for Colton Dixon to allow his success to become his identity. Instead, Colton chooses his identity solely in Christ.
It would also be natural for Dixon to stake his identity in his marriage, but he doesn’t look to his relationship with his bride, Annie, to define him, though her mark on his life is woven into the fabric of his album Identity. Meeting through mutual friends, Colton and Annie are now celebrating their one year wedding anniversary. As to what contributes to a successful marriage?
Identity, the third studio album from Colton Dixon, is intentionally divided into three sections – Mind, Body and Spirit – each separated by an instrumental, cinematic interlude. The MIND delves into the way our thoughts direct out actions and control the way we see ourselves. The BODY explores our humanity and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. The SPIRIT provides moments of contemplation and peaceful reflection. With every note and lyric, Colton’s heartbeat is to express the truth he’s uncovered in his own life over and over again. This world can’t define us, because God’s love is our identity.
Sometimes, it’s hard to know what’s the truth about money.
I know soooo many people with $100k-$300k in student loan debt. Most of these people who I know are not trying to get out of their debt, but instead are putting off repaying it, or just ignoring it all together. This is a choice they’re making, despite them telling me they’re stuck and have no options. You have options. Take a 
Despite college and post-graduate school being more important and popular than ever, it’s not a good idea to go to school regardless of the price. Student loan debt is a huge problem for so many people, including me. Instead of going full force into the best school you can get into no matter the cost, think about what you want to do for work and whether the cost is worth it.
Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.
that things must always be fixed.
if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.
Deep depression, loss of her best friend, questioning God, turning to food for comfort, being super single…all things Mandisa opened up about in her chat with TheHopeLine!
Mandisa’s Grammy winning song “Overcomer” was written for her best friend, Kisha, to encourage her while she was battling breast cancer. Mandisa later wrote “Prove Me Wrong” from the anger she was feeling after her friend died. She says the song is not tied up with a pretty Christian bow but it’s honest and heartfelt. She says through her grief she learned, “When you are dealing grief, you have to bring that to the Lord or you are going to bring it somewhere else.”
When you think of ways to help in your fight against 
Sufficient sleep is especially crucial for anyone wanting to find freedom from addiction. Not only does the brain recharge and repair during sleep, there are rippling effects that impact the whole body. Going without sleep has been connected to lower immune function, serious disease and weight gain – as well as impaired ability to reason and think clearly.
Alright, one more example. While recharging your body through rest and good fuel is important, if you really want to supercharge it, then try something really radical: move around more!
I got a chance to chat with Brian Johnson about the new album he and his wife released, After All These Years. Brian and Jenn Johnson have done many compilations with well-known artists over the years and they are worship leaders at Bethel Church in Redding, California and founders of Bethel Music and WorshipU. Their album, After All These Years, is their first solo release album together in over 10 years.
I was always told that honesty is important. So I was truthful, always. Well, apparently people don’t appreciate it when you’re honest. When you tell someone who’s being dishonest that they are, they might get angry. Especially teachers, or so I’ve learned. I would always get in trouble, but I never understood why. I was always polite as I’d learned and I was always honest as I’d learned. For a long time I just thought the problem was with me — I’m not likable, people just instantly hate me, I’m worthless. I struggled with these feelings from an early age. I changed schools, I got older, I tried new “tricks” to get in line. I did anything I could think of to please everybody. But people, both children and adults, seemed to take an instant disliking to me.
I have 
It can be hard being an adult with ASD. People don’t believe me when I tell them. They think people with ASD are aggressive or anti-social. They think a lot. But they don’t think I could have it. That’s why I don’t like to tell people. Dealing with the comments of disbelief. I don’t want to have to validate my ASD. So I shut my mouth and deal with life the way I do. Even though I feel this might help keep the stigma, the misunderstanding, the disbelief in place. So yes, I’m sorry for not breaking through the ignorance. I’m sorry for not speaking up.
Director and Founder of 
I remember sitting in my room one night after I had just got home from smoking weed and drinking a little too much with a group of people that I had convinced myself were real friends. I was about nineteen years old and still trying to navigate my purpose in life as most of us do. As I sat in my bed and stared at the wall with glossy eyes and tears beginning to stream down my face, I remember thinking to myself, “This is hopeless.” I then walked into the bathroom and proceeded to look at myself mirror. I remember being confused at who I saw staring back at me.
Depression does that to you. Anxiety can do that to you. Darkness can do that to you. You begin convincing yourself that darkness actually means hopelessness. But it doesn’t. This couldn’t be any farther from the truth. The reality is we all go through dark times in life. And although our darkness may look and feel different depending on the person, this doesn’t make hope any less obtainable, no matter how broken and lifeless one may feel.
Hope is one of those things we can’t outrun no matter how quick and witty we think we are. It’s always one step ahead of us, waiting to be seen and grabbed hold of. God’s love, regardless if you believe in it or not, is a light in dark and weary times. It’s a lighthouse to a ship lost in a sea of colossal waves, and life-raft for those who are sinking.
Rewind to 2012. It’s a new school year, I’m 24, sitting in a classroom with 18 year olds. “What am I doing with my life, why am I so far behind?” screamed the demons in my head, day in and day out. I’d go home, back to my parent’s house, feeling like I’ve lost all control. I felt like I should have had a career, apartment, life partner, and a solid core of friends by now. I could check one thing off that list. I had a great boyfriend, and I was lucky for that. Or so I thought. Eventually, I realized I had little control in that relationship as well. There I was, 24 years old, insecure, lost, and in the shadows.
Fast forward a year. I found myself single, seriously depressed, and not wanting to make much effort in my social life to be around the people who truly loved and cared for me. Sad, right? The only thing I had going for me was I was thin! Finally, I had control over something – my body! I could wear whatever I wanted. I felt confident in a bikini or crop top. I was getting compliments wherever I went. There was no better feeling than that. Wrong. It is easy (sometimes) to put on a happy face, but no matter how I looked, nothing changed the fact that I still couldn’t find happiness, acceptance, or just shut off all the demons in my head.
I finished my Bachelor of Commerce degree, I have a set career path, reconnected with and met some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and a family (and dog) who are my biggest fans and support group. I could not be happier with my life. I completed my Yoga Teacher Training, and am excited to embark in a new journey and help those who have suffered realize their true beauty through yoga and nutrition.
Jennifer (@jennilynnxo) is a passionate, caring, and outgoing 28 year old that has been stuck at the bottom of a mountain, but ended up happier than ever on the other side. Through battling an eating disorder, depression, and a few other obstacles, she has found healing, health, and happiness through therapy, meditation, and yoga. Jennifer has also found comfort in sharing her story, with hopes to help others rebuild their lives and have faith to move forward and follow their dreams in to their future.
We have partnered again with 
People started reaching out to her and it began the healing process for her. She was a cheerleader at the time and the cheer gym asked her to share her story with a cheer team that was struggling with bullying, teasing, and bickering. It was really hard for her to speak in front of those cheerleaders but as she finished telling her story, she looked up and everyone had tears in their eyes. It hit her that she had the ability and power to do something good. All of the pain and hurt she went through could be used for something beautiful. The more she spoke at schools and events, the better she felt about herself because not only was she helping people but they were helping her to heal.
If you were not on this earth, life for everyone else who is still here would never be the same. If you are struggling with knowing your true value, continue to read.
When I personally choose to fight for life, my 
Two years ago, in the car, when my best friend was pleading for me to fight, she told me this, “You can’t commit suicide, think about how great the day when you are able to say ‘I made it through this hell and look where I am now.’ Things can only get better from here.” What she said was true. If you are suicidal from a bully in your life (any kind of bully, a physical person, depression, current life circumstances, the DEVIL, etc.), how will you be able to prove them wrong if you’re not alive to do so? From my experience, the rewarding part of various struggles in life is when you can overcome them.
![Pornography and Sex Trafficking [Video]](https://s3.amazonaws.com/com-thehopeline-www/LIVE7_NEW/LIVE/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/30122144/Resized.e2iq29xwu7a-kristina-flour-1000x662.jpg)
ndulgence. After all, the thinking goes, the women are consenting adults, this is how they are choosing to make some money? But, what if they’re not choosing? What if they’re not consenting, and aren’t even adults? The huge amount of money involved in the “adult entertainment” industry has proved irresistible to organized crime, pimps, and other illegal profiteers. Sex trafficking is not just providing unwilling prostitutes around the world. It’s also responsible for “casting” pornographic movies all over the world.
Most of the pornographic films are sold to sites that make money from advertising revenue. When you are watching pornography you have no way of knowing the source of the film. Based on the numbers of these films that are being produced with the cooperation of sex traffickers, any viewer of pornography has probably unwittingly funneled money into sex trafficking. Thus, not only supporting the sex trafficking crime, but creating higher demand for these crimes to be committed so further pornography can be consumed.
Some of us have lost friends, family members, co-workers and acquaintances to death in one form or fashion. Some have gone early and some have gone after living life to it’s fullest. Some by accident, some self-caused, some due to life circumstances, and some by the fortune of a life fully lived.
My dad had called to remind me to call my grandmother on my grandfather’s birthday and for the first time, it really sunk in he was gone. Even after a family Christmas where he wasn’t there, I never really took the time to grieve. I pushed it down. I didn’t know how to deal with it. For the past year, I’ve held onto nothing but regrets. Why didn’t I spend more time with him? Why didn’t I go out on the boat one last time? Why didn’t I call more often? Why didn’t I stay for dinner that one time? Why, why, why…all questions rooted in something to keep me from seeing the beauty and celebrating life.
So this is for anyone dealing with grief and for everyone that will deal with grief upon losing someone we love. Do not live in the regret, but instead, see the beauty of times you have spent with that person and cling hard to those. They can literally be the difference in a years worth of pain or a years worth of happiness. We aren’t meant to live unhappy, and it’s ok to deal with the sadness of death. It sucks and it hurts. But no matter what, you’ve got to see the beauty in life, no matter how it was lost. I’ve lost friends to suicide, car wrecks, and cancer. None of those are pretty, but their lives were all beautiful and for that I remember that they brought greatness, if only for a brief moment, in a world that can be full of ugliness. I choose to remember TJ and his smile, Christian and his goofiness and love, Brian and his unshakable faith and leading me to Jesus, Justin and his love for wanting to tell people about the real love of Jesus, Jack, Kelli, Ted, Erin, and many others that for a blip on my life’s radar, brought me beauty, joy, laughter, and strength, all things I can choose to cling to when I remember them.
The choices that we make every day don’t (always) solely affect us individually. They can affect our friends, children, spouses, the planet, and sometimes strangers who live across town or strangers across the world. Newton’s third law states that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction and this can apply to many aspects of life. Some of these reactions can be positive; while some have negative consequences.
God has been teaching me about this lie that I believed for years. Yes, I was a follower of Christ but I did not understand and am still learning just how God works and there is beauty in the utter brokenness, sorrow, and pain of life. The first time I had a glimpse about how my brokenness has beauty in it was about two years ago. I was with my best friend at a church gathering and one of our other friends came in and she was hysterical. About anything bad that could’ve happened to a 16 year old girl had and her day was miserable; it was one of those days that had pushed her over the edge. She had expressed to us that she was suicidal. All three of us went into the bathroom to talk things out. As we talked, I learned that this girl and I had similarities in our stories and I did the best I possibly could to encourage her that things could and will become better. I’m not sure how much my words would have meant to her if I hadn’t walked through storms. That night, I started to see a small bit of beauty through my pain. Yet I have had a hard time believing that God was with me through every season and that He has never turned His face on war, poverty, world hunger, sexual assault, and abuse.
I’ve been learning that beauty in the pain can be as simple as being able to have empathy towards others who have been in the same situation as you. In my own walk, the times that I’ve had the most emotional healing was not when I was sitting in a therapist office (I’m not saying that therapy isn’t important because it is) or sitting in church. God has done the most healing when I’m doing something as simple as having coffee with a fellow Christian and they are sharing their own story of walking in the storm. I have a connection of pain with them when they share about life after the storm.
The green eyed monster is an expression that depicts jealousy negatively. While there is a lot to say about being envious of another, there is even more to say about those who experience jealousy in a relationship. Over 77% of women have admitted to being jealous in their relationships, but the large measurement of this should not detract from the real issue at hand nor necessarily be viewed as negative. Jealousy is natural in a relationship, but whereas men must have that emotion triggered by an action, women seem to experience it without any real indication at all. 
Distinguish Between Fiction and Reality
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, relationships are difficult. Women are creatures of habit, but few understand that negative habits result in irregular brain patterns that will only further contribute to an unfavorable lifestyle. Being mindful of yourself is always of the utmost importance while being open with your partner is crucial in abolishing certain mindsets entirely. Welcoming your individuality and what you have to offer is the most advantageous action, and altering your concentration to be more positive will lift the concerns if all else fails. Jealousy is natural and often inevitable, but it does not need to be a life sentence if you make necessary changes and accept it for what it simply is. You are not a green eyed monster but are instead a woman in tune with her feelings, a factor that is more admirable than unfavorable.
