TheHopeLine

Grief

Why do Bad Things Happen?

why-do-bad-things-happen-casket

This Guest Post comes from Everystudent.com, a safe place to explore questions about life and God. We thank them for allowing us to share their response to the very hard question everyone has asked at some point in their life…”Why does God allow bad things to happen?”

How do we explain what we see in this world?

Terrorist attacks, sex slavery, racism, world hunger?

Subconsciously, we probably ask ourselves questions like these quite often. But consciously we rarely do. We’re so busy living our lives we rarely stop and wonder WHY?

But then something happens to wake us up. Our parents get divorced. The girl down the street gets abducted. A relative gets cancer. That wakes us up for awhile. But then we can often sink back into the denial. That is, until another tragedy hits, another incongruence. Then we’re likely to think, Something isn’t right here. Something is really, really wrong. This isn’t how life’s supposed to be!

So, WHY do bad things happen?

Why isn’t this world a better place?

There is an answer to the WHY question, found in the Bible. But it’s not an answer that most people like to hear: the world is the way it is because it’s the world that we, in a sense, have asked for.

Sound strange?

What or who could make this world different than the way it is? What or who could guarantee that life is pain-free, for everyone, all the time?

God could. God could accomplish that. But he doesn’t. At least not right now. And we’re angry with him as a result. We say, “God can’t be all-powerful and all-loving. If he were, this world wouldn’t be the way it is!”

We say this hoping that God will then change his position on the matter. Our hope is that putting a guilt trip on him will make him change the way he’s doing things.

But he doesn’t seem to budge. WHY doesn’t he?

God doesn’t budge — he doesn’t change things right now — because he’s giving us what we asked for: a world where we get to treat him as though he is absent and unnecessary.

Remember the story of Adam and Eve? They ate the “forbidden fruit.” That fruit was the idea that they could ignore what God said or gave them, and strike out on life apart from God. For Adam and Eve sort of hoped that they could become like God, without God.

They consumed the notion that there was something more valuable in existence than God himself, something more valuable than having a personal relationship with God. And this world system — with all of its faults — came as a result of the choice they made.

Their story is the story of all of us, isn’t it? Who hasn’t said — if not audibly at least in their hearts — God, I think I can do this without you. I’ll just go this one alone. But thanks for the offer.

We’ve all tried to make life work without God.

Why do we do that? Probably because we’ve all bought the notion that there’s something more valuable, more important, than God. For different people it’s different things, but the mindset is the same: God isn’t what’s most important in life. In fact, I’d just as soon do it without him altogether.

What is God’s response to that?

He allows it. Many people experience the painful results of others’ or their own choices that run contrary to God’s ways…murder, sexual abuse, greed, lying/fraud, slander, adultery, kidnapping, etc.

All of these can be explained by people who have refused to give God access and influence over their lives. They are going about their lives as they see fit, and they and others suffer.

What’s God view on all of this?

He’s not smug. In fact, God could rightly be viewed as leaning forward, compassionate, hoping we will turn to him so that he can bring real life to us.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”1 But not all are willing to go to him. Jesus commented on this when he said: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”2

Again, Jesus brings the issue back to our relationship with him. “I am the light of the world. He who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”3

But what about when life is unfair, when bad things happen to us?

What about those horrible circumstances that hit us in life, caused by someone other than ourselves? When we are feeling victimized, it’s useful to realize that God himself endured horrendous treatment from others. God more than understands what you are going through.

There is nothing in life that could be more painful than what Jesus endured on our behalf, when he was deserted by his friends, ridiculed by those who would not believe in him, beaten and tortured before his crucifixion, then nailed to a cross, in shameful public display, dying of slow suffocation.

What To Do When We’re Mad At God

He created us, yet allowed humanity the freedom to do this, to fulfill Scripture and to set us free from our sin. This was no surprise to Jesus. He was aware of what was coming, foreknowing all the details, all the pain, all the humiliation.

“And as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside, and on the way he said to them, ‘Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of man will be delivered to the chief priests and scribes, and they will condemn him to death, and deliver him to the Gentiles to be mocked and scourged and crucified, and he will be raised on the third day.”4

Imagine knowing something that awful was going to happen to you. Jesus understands emotional and psychological anguish. The night that Jesus knew they would arrest him, he went to pray, but took some friends with him.

“And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here and watch [keep awake] with me. And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, ‘My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but as thou wills.”5

Though Jesus confided in his three friends, they didn’t understand the depth of his torment, and when Jesus returned from prayer he found them asleep. Jesus understands what it’s like going through pain and extreme sadness alone.

Here it is summarized, as John describes in his gospel: “He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world knew him not. He came to his own home, and his own people received him not. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God.”6 “For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”7

There is no question that there is pain and intense suffering in this world.

Some of it is explained by selfish, hateful actions on the part of others. Some of it defies an explanation in this life. But God offers us himself. God gives us the knowledge that he has endured also, and is aware of our pain and needs. Jesus said to his disciples, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”8

There is ample reason to be afraid, troubled, but God can give us his peace, which is greater than the problem before us. He is after all, God, the Creator. The one who has always existed. The one who created a universe on the backstroke.

‘Out of the Dark’: Mandisa chats with TheHopeLine!

Yet even in his power, he’s also the one who knows us intimately, even the smallest, insignificant details. And if we will trust him with our lives, relying on him, though we encounter difficulties, he will hold us securely.

Jesus said, “These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”9 He went through our ultimate threat — death — and overcame it. He can take us through the difficult circumstances of this life, and then bring us into eternal life, if we will trust him.

We can either go through this life with God or without him.

Jesus prayed, “O righteous Father, although the world has not known you, yet I have known you; and these have known that you sent me; and I have made your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which you loved me may be in them, and I in them.”10

You might find yourself asking, “Why is life so hard?” Without God, humanity is easily drawn into hatred, racism, sexual abuse, murdering each other.

Jesus said, “I came that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

This post was originally published here. If you have further questions about God? Please see www.everystudent.com If you have asked God into your heart please visit www.startingwithgod.com

Did this post get you thinking? Did it raise new thoughts or questions? We welcome your comments below.

If you are wondering what a relationship with God is all about, you may also enjoy this free eBook.

 

 

The Overwhelming Feeling of Loneliness: EP 24

What Keeps You from Meaningful Relationships?

Feeling Alone can be Overwhelming

Loneliness can lead to a lot of other issues; such as, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even thoughts of suicide. If you’ve been feeling lonely, know it’s not God’s plan for your life. He wants us to have friends and to love each other as He loves us. In this episode, I talk about loneliness with Amy, Tim, and Rebecca. We’ll talk about what keeps them from having meaningful relationships and how they can find and build friendships.

Girls Don’t Seem to Like Her

Amy wishes she had girlfriends to go out and have fun with. When she’s not with her boyfriend, she’s at home by herself. She says, girls don’t seem to like her. Amy is asking the question, why? Why does she lack meaningful relationships, especially with other girls?

It’s a challenge to maintain long-term relationships. We live hurried, busy lives and don’t always take the time to develop them. We get prideful and don’t want to appear like we need others. Sometimes we don’t know how to find and keep deeper relationships. Or it’s easy to take offense or decide we are better off without people in our lives.

Afraid to Reach Out

Many times, when we ask, why am I lonely? We already know what the answer is. The challenge is it’s too emotionally risky to solve the problem. Most people know what to do, they just don’t know how to do it or they are not willing to pay the price to remedy the problem. What are some reasons people are afraid to reach out?

  • Pride – Amy doesn’t want to look like she’s trying too hard to make friends.
  • Fear of rejection – you have to put yourself out there and you don’t know how the other person is going to respond.
  • Confused about how many friends you really need. Amy is thinking about a lot of friends but one friend at this point is really all she needs. Most people only have 2 or 3 really close friends anyway.
  • It’s hard when you’re lonely to think that other people around you are lonely too. Some camouflage their needs really well. It’s not like they have a sign on their forward that says, “Talk to me I’m lonely.”
  • Some people don’t understand there are sacrifices to developing new relationships. Amy may have to cut back on her time with her boyfriend to take the time to make friends with other girls. It’s worth it but it’s not easy.
Lonely? It’s not God’s plan for your life. He wants us to have friends & to love each other. Click To Tweet

Show Yourself Friendly

Amy needs to put aside her pride and be willing to make the first move toward gaining a friend. She needs to begin to show herself friendly. She can’t just wait for friends to come to her. This means she has to set aside time to get to know other people. She’s going to have to get out of her comfort zone and do activities with people other than her boyfriend. Amy has the tools to do this and with God’s help she can.

Grief and Loneliness 

Tim was an only child and both of his parents died. He said they were very poor but he never lacked for food or clothes, his parents took good care of him. It’s been 5 years since they died. Tim works in the oil field and makes good money but the girls he’s dated think he’s gullible and lonely.

Lonely people have often been struck with major hurts and tragedies. Sometimes through no fault of their own, the very people who would help fill the gap of aloneness are snatched from them. Grief and loneliness can come hand in hand.

Tim has really been through it…losing both parents can be devastating. Ye he’s the only one who can make the changes in his life that will help develop deep, important, and potentially long-term relationships with others.

Tim, however is constantly reminded he’s all alone. He’s had shallow relationships with girls who don’t care about him. At the same time, he’s observing others who are enjoying the good family life. So, what hope does Tim have?

Lonely people have often been struck with major hurts and tragedies through no fault of their own. Click To Tweet

God’s Help for Loneliness

He needs to remind himself how God helped him when he was very young. The same hope he had as a child when God put the food on the table from a very poor family is still available to him now. That same God who helped him back then, can and will help him again with his fears and loneliness. King David wrote, “The steps of a man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the LORD is holding his hand. I once was young and now am old, yet never have I seen the righteous abandoned or their children begging for bread.” Psalm 37:23-25

The good news for Tim is he already has a relationship with God. He speaks of God’s provisions but it’s hard for him to apply that to his feelings of loneliness. As Dr. Billy Graham once said, “Nothing dissolves loneliness like a session with God’s Word.” Tim needs to seek the Lord with all of his heart and then friendships and relationships will fall into place. Jesus said, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

Be a Good Friend

Rebecca is feeling lonely and wants more friends. She has 2 friends at school, but they are in different classes, so she doesn’t see them much.

Rebecca needs to understand this is not a little thing we are talking about. God’s will is for her to have friends. If God wants us to have friends, then he will make the way for us to find them. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

God’s going to help Rebecca. Part of His plan is found in Proverbs 18:24, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” As I mentioned to Rebecca, if she is a good friend and shows others she’s approachable, then people will want to be around her.

Shared Experiences

One key to making friends is shared experiences. This is why teammates can become so close as well as roommates, coworkers, and people into the same interests. They share experiences together and get to know each other while doing similar activities.

Rebecca needs to find a group to join; whether it’s a club, team, community service group, study group, or youth group. This way she can get to know people through shared experiences. Meaningful relationships do not develop overnight. They take time and must be cultivated.

Meaningful #relationships do not develop overnight. They take time and must be cultivated. Click To Tweet

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

God does not want us to go through struggles alone. He wants us to have friends, who will stick with us through thick or thin. Proverbs 12:12 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

A friend can make all the difference in your life whether you are going through a really hard time or you are doing well. A true friend, as the Bible says, can stick closer to you than a sister or brother.

My prayer for you is that you will find the right kind of friends and they will help you and you will help them and you will have a much richer life. God bless you as you seek to find those friends.

Resources for help with LONELINESS:

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One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on verbal abuse in the family. The words of an abuser can cause all kinds of agony and can set one on a lifelong destructive course. In this episode, I speak with Lance, who’s verbally attacked by his parents. I also talk with Sarah who endures verbal abuse at least twice a day trapped in the car with her dad. And the most difficult conversation I had is with Tameka, whose father emotionally and verbally abuses her. He calls her names and puts her down every day. If you need help dealing with verbal abuse in your family, then this one is for you!

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Fragel’s Story: My Dad was Killed in a Home Invasion

dad was killedThis is a story about my dead dad as a poem that he wrote me one night.  I was really down one night and missed him a lot. The time we spent together was short, see…when I was only 12 years old, an evil person took my dad away from me. This evil person came into our family home (thank goodness that me and my brother were not at home) and shot my dad three times at point blank range, in the head, then the chest, and then in the stomach for no real reason at all.  They did not taken anything (not money, jewelry, or tools). They just killed him to be killing him, I guess. The reason I’m telling you all this is one night, not to long ago, I was sitting around thinking about how much I miss my dad and what my life would have been like with him still around. For some reason I started to write something down, to be honest I really don’t remember writing anything at all but when I got done I looked at what I thought was going to be a bunch of doodles on the paper and to my surprise this is what I had wrote:

 

To my dearest friend,

l stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.

l spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

“It’s me I haven’t left you I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”

 

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.

You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached out to me.

I was with you at the shop today; your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

 

I was with you at my grave today, tend it with such care.

I want to reassure you, that I’m not laying there.

I walked with you towards the house as you fumbled for your keys.

I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said it’s me.

 

You looked so very tired, and sink into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It’s possible for me, to be so near you every day.

To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

 

You sit there very quietly, and smiled. I think you knew

in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over, I smile and watch you yawning and say,

“goodnight” “God bless.” “I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out then come home to me.

 

I hope that y ‘all enjoyed reading my dead dad’s poem that he wrote me the other day and if you all are anything like me you are more than likely wiping tears from your eyes too. Thanks for reading and share this…maybe it will help somebody out one day, I know it did for me.

Fragel

If you are dealing with grief, there are ways to cope. Get your free guide to help you understand and cope with the stages of grief:

Understanding Grief and Loss Free eBook

‘Out of the Dark’: Mandisa chats with TheHopeLine!

mandisa chatsDeep depression, loss of her best friend, questioning God, turning to food for comfort, being super single…all things Mandisa opened up about in her chat with TheHopeLine!

Mandisa was so sweet when she spoke to us and the really cool thing is…she is not ashamed to talk about her struggles.  She is authentic and real and brings a lot of raw emotion into her music! 

Mandisa’s new album, Out of the Dark, is based on personal experience.  She says God has pulled her out of the dark and now she has a renewed passion for her music and a willingness to be transparent and vulnerable about the challenges she faced the last several years.

Related Posts:
Video: Musician Chris Mora’s Struggle With Depression
Mental Illness is not Mental Weakness
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

Depression can be a deep dark hole that sucks you in further and further. It can be all-consuming and you can feel like there is no hope. Depression can be a struggle all of it’s own or it can stem from so many other things like anxiety, grief, relationship issues, abuse. If you are in that dark place right now or have been there, you are not alone.  Singer, songwriter and Grammy winner, Mandisa has been very transparent about the deep depression she faced in the last few years and she tells TheHopeLine what it was like.  She says, at one point she was comfortable in that dark place. She explains, “I shut out everyone, I shut out God, I shut out everyone who loved me.  I hardly left my house.  I stayed in my house everyday. I ate and I watched television and I’ve never been more miserable in my life.”

When you are in a deep depression, it’s all consuming so it’s very hard to make positive steps to move forward or get help. Mandisa was in a depression for about 3 1/2 years until she reached a turning point. Mandisa said God showed her 3 things:

  1. We have to walk in community with one another.  – “There’s a difference in needing time to re-energize and in isolating and shutting out the world.”  Her loved ones  loved her too much to leave her where she was.  Friends and family are important!
  2. Stop focusing on your mistakes in the past. – “I had to stop battling with shame because of all the mistakes I made.”
  3. Look for those flickers of light that come in so many places. – “Darkness is overwhelming but it only takes one flicker of light to chase out that darkness.”

Mandisa’s Grammy winning song “Overcomer” was written for her best friend, Kisha, to encourage her while she was battling breast cancer. Mandisa later wrote “Prove Me Wrong” from the anger she was feeling after her friend died.  She says the song is not tied up with a pretty Christian bow but it’s honest and heartfelt.  She says through her grief she learned, “When you are dealing grief, you have to bring that to the Lord or you are going to bring it somewhere else.”

Find out which 2 songs on her new album, Out of the Dark, are her favorites:

If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!

Death in the Family

death in the family

We had a death in the family…my little sister Bailey passed away recently.

Can you relate to Katy’s story about a death in the family?

She was everything to me, we would play together and do whatever we could think of. When Bailey started complaining her stomach hurt, my mom brought her to Children’s Memorial Hospital. Bailey had a cancerous brain tumor and her appendix was taken out.

A year and a half later she passed away. I went back to public school and struggled becoming social and being happy. I was brought to TheHopeLine for guidance and support.

Morgan, who spoke with me listened to me for a hour and a half and helped me through.

I made a lot of new friends in the last couple of days! Bailey might not be with us today, but thanks to Morgan I know she is with me. I learned how to trust in the Lord and I know that Bailey isn’t suffering anymore and she’s having princess parties. Thank you TheHopeLine for believing in me and helping me become happy!

Katy

Get your free guide to help you understand and cope with the stages of grief:

Understanding Grief and Loss: eBook

The End of My Grieving Process

Have you lost someone you love?  Does your heart ache with grief?

Jordan Zehr, blog writer for HeartSupport gives us his perspective on the grieving process.

No matter what, in life three things are certain: we will be born, we will live life, and then we will die. Unfortunately, sometimes death plays a role way too early in life and we are left to bear the marks of that. Yet sometimes, life simply extinguishes due to time being done on this earth and it’s time to go home.

end of my grieving processSome of us have lost friends, family members, co-workers and acquaintances to death in one form or fashion. Some have gone early and some have gone after living life to it’s fullest. Some by accident, some self-caused, some due to life circumstances, and some by the fortune of a life fully lived.

And I too, have lost friends. When I was in kindergarten or first grade, my friend TJ got hit by a train as he was crossing the tracks back to his home. And the way I dealt with it at that tender young age was to jump into my mother’s arms and cry and cry when she told me. It’s strange because at the age of six, I knew I would never get to play with TJ again and had an understanding of what death was. I used to think TJ got it lucky, he never had to experience the pains of life and the cruelty of the world. And yet I realize how selfish this was of me, because TJ didn’t live many of the experiences we will all have. His family never got to experience the joys of watching him play sports, graduate from high school, have a family, and all the other wonderful blessings that life has to offer.

During my freshman year of college, I was at a keg party when I got a call from one of my friends that our mutual friend Brian had passed away. The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I was 19 years old, and on my first spring break fixing to have a blast…. and this happens. I don’t remember a ton from that week, except numbing the pain with a bottle of Jack Daniels and sitting at a friend’s farmhouse playing cards, each of us remembering Brian in our own way. This was my first real experience with death where I had to process what happened and I didn’t know what to do, so I got drunk. And sure, it numbed the pain, the hurt. Man, did it hurt. Death very much became a reality after that and I even lost a couple more friends in college, but none of those instances really prepared me for what it was like to lose someone that was family. Someone that had the same blood running through their veins as mine.

A year ago today, I lost someone that close to me for the first time in my life. I consider that a huge blessing, being 28 years old and having never lost a family member, but inevitably, death caught up to me and took my first grandparent.

I remember getting the call from my dad a few days earlier that my grandpa, Jay Dee, had gone to the hospital with jaundice and they were running tests, and that things looked optimistic but were serious. My dad kept me in the loop and passed along my well wishes to him. I knew there was a ton of family there, so I didn’t call him that day, because honestly I figured between having to deal with the entire family and being in the hospital he was exhausted and I didn’t want to be the guy to call and wake him up while resting and recovering.

It was the single dumbest decision that has haunted me for the past year.

I woke up the next day and got to work a few minutes early and decided to check Facebook. The first thing I see is a note from my aunt that says her father has died. Instinctively I rushed to call my father because I knew why he hadn’t called and my first thought was, “I have to check on my dad.”  He told me how late it was, and I knew he was in the room as his father left this world, so it was something I have never held against him for not calling me that late in the night to tell me the news. I also knew how hard that phone call would have been, and bad news is something no one wants to deliver, so in a way, I’m thankful I found out the way I did rather than having to hear my dad say his father had passed away.

Perhaps the hardest thing for me has been the grieving process. It, honestly, was something I never did until a few weeks ago.

lost my grandfatherMy dad had called to remind me to call my grandmother on my grandfather’s birthday and for the first time, it really sunk in he was gone. Even after a family Christmas where he wasn’t there, I never really took the time to grieve. I pushed it down. I didn’t know how to deal with it. For the past year, I’ve held onto nothing but regrets. Why didn’t I spend more time with him? Why didn’t I go out on the boat one last time? Why didn’t I call more often? Why didn’t I stay for dinner that one time? Why, why, why…all questions rooted in something to keep me from seeing the beauty and celebrating life.

I’m not going to lie, it does suck having those regrets, because they were things I could have done. But, no matter what, there’s always going to be something we could have done or wanted to do. We’re never going to escape the ways we think, and regret is part of that.

But what about the good? There seems to come a time, when we lose interest in the bad memories, and instead see the good. I’m a people pleaser and hate disappointment, and I realized I had lived in the disappointment for far too long, mostly because I thought I deserved it. For every phone call I didn’t make or dinner I didn’t stay for that barraged my thought process there were also golf outings, fishing together on the lake, great conversations, surprise visits to graduations, and so many great moments that outweighed the regrets that ultimately brought me so much peace.

I was talking to my mom the other day about all of this, and wanting to check on my dad as well during this time. We ended up sharing so many laughs that evening remembering the things grandpa did and so many smiles at the man he was and the things he instilled in all of his children and grandchildren. To work hard, to take care of others, to love God, to treat others better than ourselves, and that kindness is better than anger. We also both remarked how crazy it seems that he’s been gone a year, when it feels like he’s barely been gone a day. I honestly see that as something so beautiful, that while my grandpa has been gone for a year, it feels more like I’m just on a delay until I see him again. There’s more beauty in that view of death than taking the long road of regret.

We have so many choices when dealing with grief. We all deal with it differently too. My hope and prayer for anybody reading this is that we cling to the goodness that was life and fondly remember the great times.

No matter what way death decided to take someone, there is always beauty left from life. #grief Click To Tweet

there's always beauty left from lifeSo this is for anyone dealing with grief and for everyone that will deal with grief upon losing someone we love. Do not live in the regret, but instead, see the beauty of times you have spent with that person and cling hard to those. They can literally be the difference in a years worth of pain or a years worth of happiness. We aren’t meant to live unhappy, and it’s ok to deal with the sadness of death. It sucks and it hurts. But no matter what, you’ve got to see the beauty in life, no matter how it was lost. I’ve lost friends to suicide, car wrecks, and cancer. None of those are pretty, but their lives were all beautiful and for that I remember that they brought greatness, if only for a brief moment, in a world that can be full of ugliness. I choose to remember TJ and his smile, Christian and his goofiness and love, Brian and his unshakable faith and leading me to Jesus, Justin and his love for wanting to tell people about the real love of Jesus, Jack, Kelli, Ted, Erin, and many others that for a blip on my life’s radar, brought me beauty, joy, laughter, and strength, all things I can choose to cling to when I remember them.

Don't live in regret, instead - cling to the beauty of the times you had. #noregrets Click To Tweet

This is the end of my grieving process. I choose to remember my grandpa as a man who loved my grandmother to his last day, who impacted countless lives through coaching and teaching, and who instilled a love and reverence for God in his children and grandchildren. I’ll never be able to watch a basketball game without seeing some player with his elbow out and hear the words of my grandpa telling me “Get your elbow in”. I’ll never go on a lake or play a game of golf without having fond memories of him and the goodness he brought into my life and those of everyone he impacted.

I know I’ll see you again Grandpa, but until that time comes, thanks for all you did for me and for helping form the man I am today. I’ll always remember the great times and the love you so selflessly gave to me, no matter what. I’ll never forget you. I miss you. I love you.

Do you have good memories of the times you spent with the people you loved and then lost?  Share them with TheHopeLine in the comments below!

Guest blog is written by Jordan Zehr. He is part of HeartSupport‘s blog team!  Jordan Zehr’s first love is God and then his family and friends. He graduated from Oklahoma State University in 2009 and is a self proclaimed fanatic. He enjoys writing, music, and anything to do with baseball. 

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How to Understand Someone in Grief

by Dawson McAllister

Do You Know Someone Struggling With Grief?

GRIEF. It is one of those emotions that we wish we could avoid, but we will all, undoubtedly, experience grief at some point in our life.understanding grief

Since the experience of loss and grief is universal and will impact most everyone during their lifetime, I wanted to write about it today. I want to encourage anyone who is grieving that whatever you are feeling after a loss is O.K., you are not alone and you will get through this.

If you have lost someone, I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to let your emotions go. Please don’t bottle them up. I have heard it said like this, “It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain.” These gut-wrenching, sometimes suffocating feelings you may be facing are signs that a deep connection has been severed. It is going to be painful. But the grieving is necessary.

It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. #grief Click To Tweet

Taylor called my radio show a couple years after her mom died. She is dealing with many mixed emotions because she didn’t actually know her mom that well, but she still misses her. Taylor shares how some days she stays in bed and cries all day, but she knows she can’t let her grief control her life.

Perhaps you have read about the 5 stages of grief before, but I want to share them with you again. Each stage is important as they allow the human emotional immune system to resolve the loss.  However, the stages of grief aren’t always clear cut and there is no set time limit for each step. They simply act as a framework for healing. Do you find yourself in one of these stages?

Stage One: Denial, Numbness, and Shock

  • The initial shock serves to protect the person from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness and shock are normal in this stage and shouldn’t be confused with “lack of caring”.
  • Denial or numbness can last anywhere from a minute to months, depending on the individual. As the person slowly begins to acknowledge the impact of the loss, disbelief will diminish.

Stage Two: Anger

  • Anger is a necessary part of the grieving process. In this stage, one may feel helpless, abandoned or powerless as a result of the loss.
  • Feelings of anger can act as a temporary structure to frame the loss and begin processing it. A grieving individual may also be angry at God, the person lost or in life in general.

Stage Three: Bargaining

  • The bargaining stage often involves persistent thoughts about what could’ve been done to prevent the loss or ways there could have been a different outcome.
  • If not properly resolved, the intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.

Stage Four: Depression

  • Depression sets in after the true extent of the loss becomes reality. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation and self-pity often accompany this stage of grief. After a major loss, those dealing with depression tend to withdraw from life and be in a fog of intense sadness.
  • Common physical symptoms of grief or depression may appear, including sleep or appetite disruption, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells.

Stage Five: Acceptance

  • Over time, the grieving person may be able to come to terms with their emotions and accept that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the person’s set of life experiences.
  • This stage is where one accepts that life is forever changed and must readjust to the new reality. This doesn’t mean forgetting the loss but rather rebuilding and beginning to reinvest in hobbies, friendships, new connections, etc.

It is important to know that enjoying life again does not mean that you no longer miss the person you lost. You are not somehow betraying them by moving on. Your grief has simply run its course.

grief rememberHowever, it is also not wrong to keep their memory alive with a special object or planned occasion. Sometimes externalizing your loss in such a way can aid with your healing, especially during the holidays, when the hole left by the person you lost is felt more acutely again. Here are some ideas of what you could do:

  • Light a candle for your loved one.
  • A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
  • Share a favorite story about your loved one.
  • Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.

Perhaps as you are reading this blog you are thinking of a friend who has experienced great loss and you are not sure how to help them. You may even be avoiding the situation because you are afraid it will be awkward or that you will say the wrong thing. Let me assure you that the most important thing you can do is to just be there for them. There are no magic words to say to take away their pain. Your presence is enough. In an effort to make you more comfortable in these situations here are two lists…one is of things that are helpful to say, the other is of things to avoid saying.

The best things to say to someone in grief and what to avoid saying. #grief #holidays Click To Tweet

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Say nothing, just be with the person
someone is grieving

What to avoid saying to Someone in Grief:

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
(Source: www.Grief.com)

Wyatt called into Dawson McAllister Live! seeking advice for how to help his best friend. A year has passed since his friend’s mom died and Wyatt has stood by his side, but now his friend is starting to act out. I let Wyatt know that after a year of “being there” for his friend, he has earned the right to speak the truth to him.

As you walk this journey through grief know that God is near. Even if you are confused and feel alone, God will never abandon you. He says in the Bible “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He also tells us to “Cast all our cares on him.” Keep praying and ask others to pray for you as well and God will give you a peace that passes understanding.

You can also request prayer here at ThePrayerZone.

God Bless!

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To Survivors of Suicide Loss

by Dawson McAllister

suicide lossIf you have lost someone to suicide, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide, is very different than losing a loved one in any other way.  There are feelings and emotions that will be unique to this journey that you are on. And, undoubtedly, this will be something that will stay with you forever.

I am writing this blog to all survivors of suicide loss to simply encourage you that you are not alone.

I am here to tell you that you are not supposed to grieve according to any timeframe or in any prescribed way.  You are not supposed to just “get over it.”  In fact, it is important that at some point you accept and understand that your life has been forever changed because of this loss and that you may now always view things through a different lens.

However, I want to encourage you that you will find your way again. I have heard it described this way:

You will never be the same again, you will never get over it, but you will have a life again, you will wake up in the morning and feel good. You will start to make plans for the future. At some point, life will feel normal again; not the old normal, the new normal.

Survivor of Suicide LossSo while everyone grieves in their own way, there are some common feelings that are unique to people who have lost someone to suicide. They include:

  • A sense of unreality, numbness, nightmares and intrusive thoughts.
  • Feelings of guilt and failure that you were not able to prevent it.
  • An unrelenting need to ask why, to try and make sense of and understand why it happened.
  • Feelings of rejection and abandonment.
  • Anger towards the person you lost, as they are also the murderer of the person you loved.
  • A sense of shame and stigma, that other people will think negatively about you and your family. Sometimes this can result in feeling alone and wanting to withdraw from others.

This comment on my blog Why do people End their Life by Suicide captures the confusion that many people who have lost someone to suicide face.

My nephew hung himself in April… I just keep asking myself why why why? He didn’t even leave a note. Sometimes I feel angry- why did he leave us?! How could he think that no one cared? If he would’ve called and said he was hurting and needed someone to be there he would have! His death (only age 19) has had such an effect on the whole family… so many tears and heartache. I just keep wondering why and will never know…Snitty

 Suicide produces many painful and confusing emotions in survivors, one of which is frustration at being so violently cut off from the victim with no chance to help them, talk with them, or even say goodbye. This frustration can often lead to anger toward yourself, others, or even the victim.

Frustration can also lead to guilt which can be defined as anger turned inward. Can we talk about the enemy of GUILT for a minute?

Jeffrey Jackson wrote A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide.  In it he says, “Guilt is your worst enemy, because it is a false accusation. You are not responsible for your loved one’s suicide in any way, shape, or form. Write it down. Say it to yourself over and over again, (even when it feels false). Tattoo it onto your brain. Because it’s the truth. Why do suicide survivors tend to blame themselves? Psychiatrists theorize that human nature subconsciously resists so strongly the idea that we cannot control all the events of our lives that we would rather fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it. Simply put, we don’t like admitting to ourselves that we’re only human, so we blame ourselves instead.”

loved one died by suicideThe hard truth is that the only person responsible for any suicide is the victim.  Yet, we don’t want to blame our loved one for their own death, so we blame ourselves.  Perhaps it would be helpful to stop thinking in terms of “blame.”   Blame brings up connotations of judging the person, and we don’t want to judge them because we still love them and deep down we know that they must have had a lot going on in their head that pushed them to the point of taking their own life.  It might be better to think in terms of accepting the fact that they were responsible for their own death. We don’t need to judge or blame, but we can learn to accept it was their responsibility.

Niki left a comment that shows a depth of understanding of where her brother must have been mentally when he died by suicide.

My brother committed suicide 3 weeks ago today. He was a very private person and couldn’t easily open up. My heart breaks because I knew he was stressed. I reached out to him on many occasions, but he wouldn’t admit the depth of his despair. Then on the night of Easter Monday he hung himself. I so wish it was different, but he must have been in too much pain for too long. What an immense loss to us his family, his girlfriend, his young children and his friends

Recently, I took a call on my radio show from Rachel whose friend had died by suicide.  She and her friends were all struggling.  To hear some of my advice to her, please listen.

As you move forward in your life after losing someone to suicide, here are some suggestions to help you along:

  1. Know you can survive; you may not think so, but you can.
  2. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but that all your feelings are normal.
  3. Find a good listener with whom to share.
  4. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
  5. Give yourself permission to get professional help.
  6. Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.
  7. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
  8. Consider joining a support group such as a Survivors of Suicide group.
  9. Call out to God and lean on your faith to help you through.

For more suggestions, here is a list from suicidolgy.org.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

For more information on suicide, checkout TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Suicide.

On the Verge of Giving Up

I always used to listen to Dawson McAllister on the radio…. never thought I would be one to contact them for help… thank you TheHopeLine.

I was on the verge of giving up…I talked to a girl last night for about 2 hours. I came to you guys with my problems. My best friend that I’ve grown up with and been with my whole life died in a horrible stupid accident. The girl I gained feelings for, that I’ve never had before, needed space. She’s 18 years old has a 19 month old son, who I think is probably the coolest little dude in the world. The girl has everything I’m looking for and her flaws are easily passable for me. But she just broke up with the father that she dated for 4 years and we started talking a few weeks after so I understood she needed time…but the killer was she no longer wishes to really talk to me while she needs space. I didn’t know what to do, I promised her I would wait for her to be ready. Her and her kid mean everything to me. I break down a few times every day. Everything reminds me of her. I hear a song. I tear up. I see a mom and son I tear up. I see a picture of her, I break down. And after I lost my friend this was just the topping to the cake. I knew I was no longer myself.

I knew I needed help before the suicidal thoughts would come. So I came to the one place I knew I could say what’s going on, without being judged and made fun of.

I sadly forgot the girl’s name I talked to, I wish I could thank the HopeCoach again. She walked me through everything. She told me to wait and give the girl space. That she will come back when she’s ready. Tomorrow, I will go to a professional for more help with depression and the anxiety. The girl I talked to last night also talked to me about getting a new personal relationship with our Lord. I said the prayer she gave me last night and I felt His presence, I felt the change…I’ve never been so thankful to have someone to talk to or listen.

So again, I thank all of you for what you do.

Thank you for helping the hopeless.

Thank you for giving your own time just to give time to someone else that was almost out of their time.

Thank you for helping me and countless others find a stronger faith.

Again thank you again all of you!

-Aaron

 If you need help with your relationship, check out our free eBooks with relationship advice for guys and girls.

Grieving Isn’t One Size Fits All

by Dawson McAllister

We All Deal with Grief Differently

Dawson was kind enough to let me write a blog this week and I wanted to talk about something we all deal with, and very differently. -Jessica

Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be extremely hard and you may feel like no one understands what you’re going through because everyone deals with it differently, and each relationship is different as well. Grieving isn’t one size fits all. You may have lost your grandmother; but your dad and two aunts lost their mom, your grandfather lost his wife, and that woman that has no relation to you but you call aunt anyway just lost her best friend. Each and every one of you are grieving in different ways, but hurting just the same.

I come from a big family and have lost many relatives over my life, but I’ll never forget that morning 5 years ago when my mom called to tell me one of my uncles passed from a massive heart attack. Though it was hard to deal with, things did get better and that heart wrenching pain of feeling like you can’t breathe does pass. You will laugh again and it’s ok when you do. At my Uncle’s funeral there were even some giggles and heartfelt laughs and dancing (country music was playing because that’s the way he was).

He would have wanted more smiles than tears.

Myths and Facts about Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “prtect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feeling can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Source: Center for Grief and Healing

shutterstock_97319846 greiving death isn't one size fits allFive years later, I still think of him often and happily; but every year, on that one day, I can’t help but reminisce on the good times, as well as how hard that day was. It’s important to move forward and keep your head up and know that it is possible. I will always love him and carry him in my heart (as I do with all my family members that have passed). I know how much he loved me and I take comfort in the fact that he knew how much I adored him as well. Believe me, they know. They always know. Even if the last thing you said to them wasn’t “I love you”, they still know. This pain you’re feeling won’t last forever, but I would be lying if I said it would never hurt again. It will, and that’s ok.

There’s nothing wrong with shedding a tear every now and then, as long as you remember to fill your heart with love and not anger for them not being here anymore. Do not dwell in the pain. Feel it, acknowledge it, then move on. And remember that just because they can’t talk back, doesn’t mean they’re not listening when you talk to them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and be sure to share it with your friends who may be struggling with the loss of a loved one.

Sierra lost her best friend in a car accident, but she is finding meaning and purpose in her life. Listen to her story in the link below:

 

If you’re going through the pain of losing a loved one, get your free guide to help you understand and cope with the stages of grief:

My Best Friend Committed Suicide

My best friend Alex committed suicide last month. I felt extremely horrible that I couldn’t help him soon enough. I got to talk to a HopeCoach, and she helped me a bunch. She told me to make a legacy for him, to find new friends, keep my head up. I’m starting on a scrapbook of Alex and I. I’m also able to talk to our friend Rich. I’m planning on meeting new people and creating new friendships. Alex will also be in my heart and on my mind every second of everyday. He wants me to be happy, so I’m doing that. I loved speaking with the HopeCoach I got matched up with. Thank you.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

How To Deal With the Death of a Loved One

by Dawson McAllister

Are You Struggling With The Death Of Someone You Love?

Have you ever had someone with who was very close to you die? Maybe it was a brother or sister, a parent, a grandparent, or even a close friend. The death of a loved one is very difficult, even though everyone, at some time, will have to go through this painful experience. And the grief usually hits you in a way you least expect it, flooding you with overwhelming feelings you never realized you had. How did losing someone so very special in your life affect you?

Richard wrote: I lost my first love (Kelly) at age 15. We did everything together. Kelly died on the same road I lived on at the time. That has been 7 or 8 years ago and I’m still not over her. I feel lonely and hurt without her. Life isn’t the same. As I lay down to sleep at night and close my eyes, I still see her beautiful smile. At times I feel like I can’t go on with life. All I think about is being with Kelly.

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel.

Richard can’t imagine life without Kelly, even though the reality is that she has been gone for quite sometime. It’s obvious Richard is deep in denial. Denial is one of the ways people attempt to deal with the death of someone they love.

This is also what Roostersaid she did to deal with the death of her uncle. My uncle passed away on Halloween 2009 and to this day I haven’t accepted the fact that he’s gone, he meant the world to me. He was like a father to me, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.

The biggest temptation you’re going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel. That’s natural and it may take time to get past those feelings. But be careful, because before you know it, you’ll find yourself defining yourself by your misery. The better choice will be to focus on taking care of yourself, and dealing with your grief in a more healthy and productive way.

 What are some healthy ways to deal with your sadness and grief over the death of someone close to you?

1. Find somebody who you trust, and talk with them about how the death is making you feel. Don’t try to carry it all by yourself. Elizabeth wrote: I’ve mostly talked it out, etc. It’s been nine years since my dad’s passing. It’ll never go all the way away.If you keep your feelings locked up inside, you’ll only increase the stress you are under.

2. Look for other people who have experienced similar losses and hear their story. Learn from them about how they have dealt with death and loss. You can learn a lot from others who have had similar experiences; they have already been there and can prepare you for what’s ahead.

3. Try to remember good memories about the person who died. This will help you understand that the one who died did not die in vain because their life had a huge impact on yours. You may also want to think about all the things and people you are grateful for whom you still have. Turning your attention away from the pain, and moving toward other positive thoughts are an important life skill for you to have.

4. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions. It’s normal to cry. It’s actually a really good physical and emotional response to help you cope with your loss. If you haven’t cried, or don’t feel like you can, try expressing your emotions other ways, like through writing, painting, music, or even exercising. There are many healthy ways you can help get your grief out. Teresa wrote: We removed life support on our 5 yr old daughter and my husband and I felt we made the most loving decision of our lives. Even though it has been 18 years I have good days and bad days, and crying mostly helps.

5. Find ways to help other people. One of the best ways to get your mind off your grief is by giving away your time to other people. You can find ways to help people with anything they need. Sometimes just giving someone a listening ear is very valuable.

One of the best ways to get your mind off of yourself and your grief is by giving away your time to other people.

Realize, in time, you will feel better. A while back I was introduced to a woman whose son died two months earlier. I began to tell her how terrible I felt about her situation. She looked at me and said, “It is hard, but it is getting better.” I never forgot what she said. On the one hand, she agreed her experience was very difficult. Yet on the other, she was acknowledging that some healing was taking place.

The pain you are feeling right now is capable of doing two things: You can let it turn you into a depressed, self-centered person, or you can become a compassionate person, capable of being sympathetic to others going through their own difficult times. I hope you would choose the compassionate route.

Healing takes time and it cannot be rushed. Yet we can comfort ourselves by knowing, in time, it will get better. And if you let it, it will make you into a deeper, more loving person.