Dawson's Blog

You Can Be Twenty-Five Percent Happier

by Dawson McAllister

Giving Thanks Increases Happiness

Let’s be honest. Sometimes life is really hard. We feel broken, lonely, shamed, hopeless. It’s hard to find the positive in anything. And why should we even bother to try? Everything is just messed up. But what if we made a point to find SOMETHING to be happy for. What would happen to us?

Trust me, I’ve had my share of trials. Did you know I have a son who was in a car accident in his early twenties and now lives in a nursing home because he had a traumatic brain injury? It’s sometimes hard to “look on the bright side.” I get it.

But here’s something to consider, research has proven that intentionally giving thanks for things in your life, even in the tough times, increases your happiness by twenty-five percent! Now tell me, who doesn’t want to be twenty-five percent happier?

Research Proves You Can Be 25% Happier

In a study done by Emmons and McCullough, they asked some of the participants to maintain a journal recording things for which they were grateful and a separate group of participants to record things they found annoying. When the results came back they found that participants in the group monitoring things for which they were grateful had significantly higher levels of well-being than the others. It turns out that practicing gratitude increases happiness, optimism, and satisfaction with your life by approximately 25%.

Thankfulness, even in the tough times, increases your happiness by 25%! #givethanks Click To Tweet

It makes sense. Whatever you wire your brain to focus on is going to directly impact how you feel. Emmons says. “When you express a feeling, you amplify it. When you express anger, you get angrier; when you express gratitude, you become more grateful.”

The Kindness Experiment

Practicing Gratitude

So how do you go about “practicing gratitude”? It could be as simple as making a point every day to stop and find at least one thing to be thankful for. And don’t convince yourself there isn’t even one thing to be thankful for because there always is. If you are choosing to not find even one thing, then you are essentially choosing unhappiness. That is your choice. But if you want to try to find happiness look around you.

Perhaps the thing you are thankful for is as simple as…

My favorite comfy sweats
That person who held the door for me when I was shopping
The warm shining sun
Singing with the radio
TheHopeLine

Here were some things I found to be thankful for in the midst of my heart ache for my son.

He receives great care and is loved by many
We can still share a laugh together
He often gives me a big thumbs up
I am still able to host my radio show which I love
And my list could go on…

Make a point every day to stop and find at least one thing to be thankful for. #givethanks Click To Tweet

These are a start. A start to training your brain to look for something good. I know it doesn’t make the bad go away, but your attitude will start to shift.

You can also practice gratitude by keeping a journal and documenting things to be thankful for. This is a great tool to go back and read when you are feeling down.

Further Research: Helping Others Increases Morale

The study also found that grateful people stop focusing so much on their pain and problems, and rather start to see how they can help others in distress. It is a great morale booster to take your eyes off your own problems and focus on helping others.

Great Morale Booster: Take your eyes off your own problems and focus on helping others. #helpinghand Click To Tweet

If you need some help to get started with how to give back, we’ve come up with a list of our Top 10 Ways to give back. Click here to view the list.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). God knew that life on earth wasn’t going to always be easy once sin came into the world, but he also knew long ago, what researchers have just recently proven…that if we continually give thanks through it all, we will make it through the tough times and find happiness.

What can it hurt? Give it a try. Give thanks!

The Reason – Lacey Sturm [Video]

The Reason

This is one of our favorite songs by Lacey Sturm.

“All my life I searched for something to satisfy the longing in my heart. And everytime I come away emptier than before. And now I finally see the reason, cause I was made to be yours alone. You formed my heart with your own hands, but I just could not understand. If I gave you my life, I’d be healed by your grace. I was made for your love, but gave others your place.”

You too have a reason. This hope is yours as well!

For more resources on the topic of suicide go to our Suicide Resource Page.

A Condom For The Heart

by Dawson McAllister

I remember many years ago, reading an article about condoms. There was a big debate at the time as to whether condoms would slow down the sexual revolution and really make sex safer. There was a quote from a Catholic priest which I’ll never forget. He said, “I’ll believe in condoms when they come up with a condom for the heart.”

We live in time when condoms are thrown out into the crowd, telling you if you’re going to have sex you simply have to protect yourself. But I have yet to find a condom for the heart. When I say heart, I’m talking about your deepest emotions, the way you look at yourself, and how you feel about the one you love.

No Protection for Regret and Broken Hearts?

I have talked to hundreds of people who cannot erase the regret and pain that has been brought on by having sex with their boyfriend, girlfriend or even a stranger. This is a pain that no condom can ever protect you from.

Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STD’s, and regret stay.

Everybody is looking for someone who will love them unconditionally. Sex alone will not fill that void. In fact, casual sex will just leave you empty, but wanting more, making the ache deeper and deeper. Julianne says it really well: Why have sex over a feeling that can come and then go. Sure sex is fun and a thrill, but the heartache and worries are NOT WORTH IT!! Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STD’s, and regret stay.

No Protection for Being Used

Condoms can’t protect you from confusing love for lust. Lucy commented about having sex for the first time at age 13, and the attachment she automatically felt for the guy. She said: When this happened, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I lost something I will never be able to get back. I was so madly in love with this guy, had such low-confidence, and was willing to do anything to keep this guy in my life. Having sex was what he wanted, and all he wanted. We did not use a condom, and surprisingly, it was not my biggest regret. I was used, and then dropped. I am still not able to get over this guy. We don’t talk anymore. He hates me. Sadly, I’d still do anything to be close with him again. I wasn’t ready and now I’m so emotionally attached.

Tragically, Lucy still does not understand she is set up for more hurt if she goes back to this guy. Because, like all of us, she has not found a condom for her heart. She is playing with emotional unprotected sex.

Comparing Love vs. Lust

Anthony admits that guys don’t have a condom for their heart either: Me and my girlfriend were going out for about a year and a half when we had sex for the first time. Every time after that all she wanted was sex. I didn’t want to but I thought I loved her so I gave in. When she thought she was pregnant, things went downhill. Good thing for us she wasn’t. When we broke up she thought that I was using her for sex when I never really wanted to.

Condoms also cannot prevent you from feeling cheap. Mandi shares how she carries a lot of the heaviness and shame that came from having sex: I dated a guy who told me he loved me, and how wonderful things would be. He forced me to have sex and then broke up with me. I felt so ashamed for going out with him and didn’t understand how he could do that. I felt like it was all my fault. My self-respect was lost. I felt like no guy would ever really love me.

No Protection for a Ruined Reputation

Condoms don’t protect your reputation. When Tiffany was 16, she had already had sex with ten different guys. She painfully explains her situation: After the third guy I was really wanting to kill myself because all the guys in my town were calling me the town ho, but I just wanted to get pregnant so someone would love me. Well, I did get pregnant. But after the guy found out he beat me up, and, like he was trying to do, I had a miscarriage.

Too bad Tiffany didn’t have a condom to protect her reputation, but there’s no such thing.

No Heart Protection

All of these stories prove a point. Condoms only do what are they are designed to do and that is to help with birth control and protect from STDs. Sometimes they fail even doing that. But they are not designed to protect your heart from being broken with irresponsible and uncommitted sex. Until you find a partner who will stay committed to you for the rest of your life, you will always experience the pain and regret of a heart without a condom.

Please leave a comment if you have a similar story that can help others make wise choices.

Consequences of Cutting

by Dawson McAllister

I have been, for the last several weeks, blogging about cutting. It is not easy, or pretty. But neither is cancer, and we deal with it everyday. Cutting is a nasty, horrific addiction. There is nothing quite like it, short of suicide. Though most cutters would claim they don’t want to kill themselves, they just like the sight of their blood, and the high it brings. Andi said she’s been cutting for a year and a half, even though she doesn’t remember why she started.

Hours locked in the bathroom at home, or on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall, the cutter carries her precious tools with her wherever she goes ready at any time to take matters into her own hands. To relieve the emotional pressure and pain she can’t describe, she resorts to slicing into her own skin. The dripping blood reminds her she’s still alive. No one to talk to, she settles for self-injury. The blade is her fake friend. The shame and the scars, her constant companions. Just trying to find her way through the rocky road of life, she can’t help but turn inward.

I don’t want to be anything but compassionate toward someone caught in the struggle of cutting. But there is a time when it’s necessary to call it what it is and expose the destructive consequences of cutting.

Cutting Causes

1) Paralyzing, Emotional Pain

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that’s where she finds herself. Someone wrote and told me that after the high of cutting wears off, you are left with even more pain. I quit the cutting because someone once told me the truth, that you only forget about your emotional pain for a moment. It’s like a drug you come down from it and you feel much worse than you did before because you have to deal with the emotional pain that comes from cutting on top of whatever emotional pain you were already feeling.

Dara said she cut for two years, but still carries the weight of the emotional pain with her. The couple minutes of relief are not worth the months of hiding and uncomfortable situations when people find out.

People who begin cutting are convinced their self-medication works. It is a shattering experience to find out later on, not only does it not work, but it is extremely emotionally destructive.

2) A Body Full of Ugly Scars

One has to wonder how many countless hours and schemes cutters use to hide their physical scars…permanent reminders of their tragic mistakes. Eddie started cutting when he was twelve. I thought it was for me to take all my anger and frustrations out on myself, but I noticed the scars it leaves will always remind me of my mistakes.

Sidney is 14 and has been cutting since she was nine. Those scars are there forever and every time I see them I’m going to be so sad about why I [cut].

Cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past you don't want to remember. Click To Tweet

Not only are you left with scars for the rest of your life, it’s also very possible to get infections from cutting with something that is dirty or not sterile. It is also extremely possible to misjudge the depth of a cut, actually requiring stitches or even hospitalization. You can pass out or even bleed to death. You don’t want to die, I’m sure of that. Let’s face it, cutting is an ugly scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat, or remember.

3) A Sick Web of Addiction

Most cutters never intend to become addicted to it. Liz said, for her, cutting was worse than drugs because she wanted to do it all the time. You don’t care where you are…it’s almost like you can’t go on without it.

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it. Your brain starts to connect the false sense of relief with cutting. The next time you feel the pressure building, your brain craves this relief. The urge to cut can seem too hard to resist. Your attempt to feel a sense of control over your life has ended up controlling you.

Cutting is an attempt to feel in control over your life, but ends up controlling you instead. Click To Tweet

JS commented about how all through high school she would try to stop, but then would go back to it shortly after. Then I would feel horrible when I finished cutting. The highs weren’t lasting as long and the crash was even worse. So I began cutting more, deeper, and more frequently. Being very interested in psychology I knew the chemical reasons, but I was already hooked and couldn’t stop.

You know I care about you very much…enough to tell you the truth. But let’s get down to it. If you are a cutter, it’s time for you step back and take a good look at what you’re doing to yourself. It’s time to tell yourself the truth. It’s also time to figure out how to resist your urge to cut.

Are you addicted to cutting?

Does the cutting actually help you deal with the emotional pain you’re going through, or does it just cover it up?
Do you feel more worthless and stupid the more scars you see on your body?
Are your friends worried about your cutting?
Do you spend large amounts of time trying to hide your cutting?
Have you told yourself you want to quit, but can’t?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you or someone you know, needs to read, How to Quit Cutting for Good. It could be a life-changer.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Resisting The Urge To Cut Yourself

by Dawson McAllister

In my blog How to Quit Cutting for Good I talked about 3 things to focus on to help you quit cutting: Talk it out, Wake up to your actual feelings, and Seek God.

Once you decide you’re committed to stop cutting, you will find out what a struggle it is to go sober and stay free from this horrible addiction.

Even as you are beginning to recover, you still will feel the cravings to cut again. You are going to need to be prepared to know how to deal with those powerful urges. Here are some practical ideas to help you or someone you know be set free.

Stop feeding the Cutting monster – wait it out

Every urge you have to cut will go away in time, but only if you don’t act on it. Each time you act on your urge to cut, you’re making that urge stronger kind of like feeding a monster. Each time you feed the addiction, the more likely you will feel the urge to cut the next time you feel the same emotional pressure. The more you stand against the urge, without giving in, the more your urges will decrease.
Stop feeding the cutting monster - wait it out! Click To Tweet

Distract yourself from the desire to cut

One of the best ways to let the urge to cut pass is by distracting yourself with someone or something else. This will allow the moment to pass when you’re feeling the deep cravings to cut, and get your mind off of it. It’s impossible for your mind to think about two things at the exact same time. Here are some ideas on how to do this..

Call a friend or meet them in person. Talk about what’s comfortable for you. The key is to keep talking.
Take a shower. This will help invigorate your body so physically it too is distracted. (Make sure there are no razors in the shower).
Exercise Walk, run, ride your bike, climb, swim, do yoga, etc. While you are exercising, your mind is more likely to think about something other than cutting.
Play with a pet. Take your dog for a walk.
Watch television or a non-violent, healthy movie.
Make yourself a sandwich, drink a glass of water or a cup of hot chocolate.
Listen to positive music. It will definitely help to change your mood.
Write in your journal. Learn to express your feelings through writing.
Create art, or some kind of creative hobby.
Volunteer somewhere like a nursing home, or a hospital. In fact, getting a job will help as well. Some people cut out of sheer boredom.

Natalia put it this way: I still fight the urges, but the way I deal with it is by writing in my journal or talking to my best friend and boyfriend who are currently helping me through this.

Resist the urge to cut by distracting yourself with someone or something else. Click To Tweet

The point is: Find something else to do. If none of these ideas are possible at the moment, try finding a substitute for the cutting sensation.

Rub an ice cube on your skin, instead of cutting.
Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and snap it when you feel the urge.
Draw on your skin with a red marker or food coloring in the place you would normally cut.
Put temporary tattoos in the places you have the urge to cut.

Angel said rubber bands have helped her. I’ve learned that snapping them against your wrist takes away a little bit of the amount to want to cut yourself. Ali said the key for her was she needed something physical to feel like she was still alive, that she was OK. So I mark a little pink heart on my calendar for every day I don’t cut…and believe it or not it helps. Help is possible, and stopping is realistic.

Tell your story

The biggest problem with a cutting addiction is it forces you to focus on how YOU are feeling.

Stop thinking about yourself so much, and focus on other cutters who need your help.

The more you can reach out to others, encouraging them to find better ways to express their feelings, the better you will be able to resist your own urges. Courtney said: I’m proud to be able to tell people my story of overcoming my self destructive behavior. Everyday is a struggle, but I always choose to find hope in the darkest situations and fight the urge.

Think About your Future without Cutting

You have an incredible life ahead of you, filled with many, many years of potential joy and time with people you love, and who love you as well. Think about what you’d like your life to look like in 5, 10, 15 years, and start taking steps to move forward in that direction. Abby is 25, and she sees hope in her future: If I don’t quit cutting, then a lot of the things I want aren’t going to work out the way I dream they will.

Cyndal said: I thought about when I have children, and they see the cuts and scars on my arms, and they ask me, ‘Mommy what are those booboos on your arms?’ That really made me think, ‘WOW, what would I tell my children?’ And it made me cry for a really long time”

I want to encourage you to be strong like Amanda. She said: It’s a challenge everyday, but I am fighting to not cut, because I know that my life can be really awesome, and cutting does not fit into that picture. When you feel your emotions building up, remember you now have other options besides cutting.

Be strong. There is tremendous hope for you.

For more help on how to stop self-harming, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Self-Harm and Cutting.

How Can I Find Hope?

by Dawson McAllister

LIFE.

It can be really, stinkin’ hard sometimes, right?

When your situation gets really tough…You just can’t find happiness anymore…Everything seems to be going against you…

What keeps you from just giving up?

HOPE.

Have you ever wondered, “How Can I Find Hope?”

Hope keeps you hanging on because it allows you to believe that:

Things will get better.
You have a purpose to fulfill.
There is a plan for your life.
You are cared for

But I would like to suggest that people are losing hope at alarming rates.

As the founder of TheHopeLine which has been around for 25 years, I’ve seen trends. While relationship issues with friends, dating, and parents used to be the number one thing people wanted to talk about…now it is self-worth issues, suicide, depression.

And statistically, we can look at national suicide rates and note that they are up significantly. The Centers for Disease Control recently released a report that shows that between 1999 and 2016 suicide rates went up by more than 30 percent in over half the states.

Why are we losing hope?

People are losing hope at alarming rates. But, why are we losing hope? @DawsonRadio Click To Tweet

5 Reasons for Losing Hope.

In my many conversations with teenagers and young adults, I hear variations of these five reasons over and over. I believe these statements capture some of the leading causes of hopelessness:

They have no experience receiving unconditional love which causes feelings of worthlessness.
Their identities are tied to changing circumstances and not a secure source, so they don’t know who they are.
Life is meaningless. They can’t find a purpose.
Intense feelings of being alone, rejected, abandoned…no one cares.
Inability to find anything to look forward to.

Do any of those describe you?

What Causes People to Feel so Lost?

Let’s consider the prevailing way people view the world in this moment. It’s often referred to as the postmodern worldview.

Perhaps this worldview can best be summarized with, “You do you.”

In some ways – I appreciate this saying – it allows people to be accepted for who they are without being judged harshly. “Be yourself.” There’s nothing wrong with that.

But on a deeper level, the message is, “You can believe whatever makes the most sense to you based on your life circumstances. There is no one truth. It’s all relative to your experiences.”

While this may sound good on the surface, the reality is it leaves a lot of people in a state of chaos.

Because what is true anymore and, well, what does work best for you?

When we are unstable without something solid to hold onto we start to lose our sense of self, our sense of purpose, our sense HOPE.

Related Posts:

6 Ways to Silence Shame

Ronnie’s Life Changing Decision

To Those Who Feel Worthless

Where do you start?

There are over 4,200 belief systems in the world today.

If any of them can be true…where do you start?

As you search for your own truth, you realize you are completely untethered. There is nothing to anchor yourself to. Especially if what you believe depends upon your circumstances because circumstances change. People in your life change. Everything is constantly moving. So if you are tying your identity and your belief system to your circumstances (even if that belief system is that you don’t believe in anything), what happens when your circumstances change?

You once again feel lost. Untethered.

So let me ask you a question that the postmodern worldview would appreciate…

How’s life working for YOU right now? How is what you believe or don’t believe working for you? Is it giving you hope? Do you feel secure? Is it helping you feel loved and cherished?

What Give Us Hope?

To match the 5 reasons people are losing hope that I mentioned above, I believe we have hope when:

We feel loved and valued.
We know who we are without a doubt.
Our purpose is clear.
We don’t feel abandoned.
Our future is bright.

How can we have this security?

Only one thing has consistently provided all of these things for me and that is my Christian faith. I am not talking about religion, but about my relationship with Jesus and my faith in Him.

Now you may decide to stop reading at this point. You may think that I am failing to give you practical advice. To which I say two things:

My practical advice for HOPE is to find unconditional love, a secure identity, a purpose, a community and a confident knowledge that your future is secure.
The only way I know how to find these things is through my faith. So I ask you, what kind of person would I be if I have found HOPE and I believe it is the ONE TRUTH that is UNCHANGING, and then I chose NOT to share it with you, would I be showing my genuine care and concern for you? If I kept this to myself when I believe it is the answer, would that be right?

So I hope you will keep reading because I really do genuinely care. If you are feeling hopeless, what do you have to lose?

I am going to briefly share how my faith has provided the above 5 things for me and how it gives me HOPE. For further detail, I hope you will download our free eBook, Understanding Hope.

You are Loved

My faith gives me the hope that I am loved by God. Always and forever. And so are you.

Even when you mess up. God loves you.

He created you and wants a relationship with you. The God of the universe thinks about you personally and wants the best for you. ALWAYS.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18)

And when bad things happen, that is not what He wants. He still loves you.

In this sinful world, people are going to fail you. Even those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, they are going to let you down sometimes. They aren’t perfect. And if every time a person fails you, you in turn start to wonder if you are worthy of love. You will lose hope.

That is why knowing you are loved by God is an anchor of hope! You are loved no matter what!

You have Worth

Do you find yourself tying your identity and your worth to:

What you achieve · What you look like · Who approves of you · Mistakes of your past

As a Christian, your worth and your identity are no longer defined by what the world says about you but rather by who God says you are. In the Bible He says you are:

Chosen ·Accepted ·Treasured ·Beautiful ·Protected ·Able ·Complete ·Known· Overcomer ·Masterpiece ·Rescued ·Held

Once you believe in the God of the Bible, these promises are yours to claim.

There is such hope in knowing that nothing can change who God says you are. Your identity is secure.

You have a Purpose

The whole idea that life is a vapid hole without meaning goes away when you are a Christian.

God designed you uniquely and created you in His image. He wouldn’t waste his time if you had no reason for existing.

God created you because he wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to love you, and in return, be loved by you. He is a personal God. We are here to praise Him for how great He is! To live lives that honor and glorify our Holy creator.

One way we honor and glorify God is to love others and that is our other purpose. In the Bible, God tells us that the most important things for us to do are to love God with all our hearts and love the people around us just as much as we love ourselves. Your purpose then is to:

Love God … Love yourself … Love others

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matt 22:36-39)

Your purpose is to: Love God … Love yourself … Love others. #LoveGod #LoveOthers @DawsonRadio Click To Tweet

You are Not Alone

God promises to NEVER abandon his children.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5&6)

When you take the leap of faith to believe, there will be times when God feels super close and times he feels farther away, but faith allows you to trust that God’s promises are always true. Even when you feel alone, you recognize that is just a feeling. God is still there.

Years of believing in God have proven this truth to me. There have been many times in my life where my circumstances would have made me feel hopeless and alone, but God has always been my anchor to hold onto in the storms. The knowledge that He is unchanging, unmovable, trustworthy and good allow me to have HOPE.

Knowledge God is unchanging, unmovable, trustworthy and good allow me to have #HOPE. @DawsonRadio Click To Tweet

Your Future is Amazing

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to look forward to? That the same despair you may be feeling now will always be with you?

By putting your faith and trust in Jesus Christ, your life is made new. You get a fresh start. You are forgiven, no matter what you’ve done. God will pour out mercy, peace, grace, blessings, and love on you. Your future is secure.

And once you have given your life to Christ, you can rest assured that, no matter what you face in this lifetime, you can look forward to eternal life in heaven.

And heaven…well, it’s going to be great! More beauty than we can comprehend. But even better is the pure joy we will have. There will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more death.

Is This Hope for You?

It is certainly available to you if you choose it.

If you desire this kind of hope, please download our free eBook on Understanding a Hope to learn more.

You can also visit our Get Help page to talk to someone about this.

Here’s the thing…. Christians still have problems. We still make mistakes. Bad things still happen.

Once sin came into the world, God never promised us life would be easy. However, God promises to overcome all of it, to love us always, and to never leave us.

Read this and see if you relate:

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom.

That’s from the Bible – nothing much has changed in human feelings over thousands of years. Here is what the writer of that passage went on to say.

But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. (Lamentations 3:19-26 MSG)

God provided hope to people then and still does today!

For more help with understanding hope and your purpose, download our free eBook!

How Can I Learn to Love Myself?

by Dawson McAllister

I want you to hear this message today.

It’s time to love yourself!

I know for SO, SO many people this is hard.

I’m overwhelmed with the number of messages I receive every week that are full of self-loathing. Here are just a few of the many received JUST. THIS. WEEK.

These messages come from all over the world…there is no country immune to this issue.

I am 13, and I want to kill myself. Nobody cares about me and I hate myself

I feel so numb all the time.

Am I worth it? does anyone truly love me ?

Life is this huge vapid hole I don’t see why my life is important.

I hate being me. I’m embarrassed that I am me and wish I could be someone else

There is no easy, one-step answer here. Deep-rooted issues often lie beneath such low self-esteem.

But we need to start somewhere, so today I want to talk about place to begin the journey towards learning to love and care for yourself. I want to talk about self-care.

But before you can even begin any steps toward self-care, you need to make a choice right now.

Are you worth it?

I can list important steps towards self-care and loving yourself, but first you need to decide that you are worth the effort. If you don’t, you will never take these steps.

The fact that you are reading this, tells me that you WANT to believe you’re worth it. So let me give you permission to believe it. YOU. ARE. WORTH. LOVING.

I’ll tell you why you are worth loving in a bit, but first let’s talk about self-care.

You need to decide that you are worth the effort of loving yourself and #selfcare. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

What is Self-Care?

Self-care is any activity that we intentionally do in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others. (PsychCentral.com)

A common misconception about self-care is that it is selfish or indulgent. But self-care is not about pampering yourself, going to the spa or on a shopping spree. “While self-care can include pampering yourself, it’s so much bigger. It’s so much more meaningful and important. ‘Self-care is essential to our survival,’ said Jessica Michaelson, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and certified coach for those who want to find more joy and meaning in their lives.” (PsychCentral.com)

Self-care involves realizing and prioritizing what YOU need to do to take care of YOU. It is not selfish because, when you feel good about yourself, you will be able to give back to others and live a life of purpose. And when you live a life of purpose, you will no longer feel like life is a meaningless void where you are just taking up space. It’s a perfect circle.

Self-Care is Not One-Size-Fits-All

Self-care will look different for everyone. Taking care of yourself starts with discovering what fills your tank. What helps you refuel? And then making sure you do that.

For some that may be quiet time, while for others it may be time spent with other people. For some it may be dancing it out to your favorite song, and other people may need to watch an hour of their favorite show. What activity makes you happy?

It’s also important to note that another part of self-care may include activities that aren’t always pleasurable. It may involve making that doctors appointment you’ve been avoiding or confronting pain from your past.

Taking care of yourself starts with discovering what fills your tank. What helps you refuel? Click To Tweet

While self-care looks different for everyone, there are some universal steps to help you get started:

9 Steps to Self-Care

Identify what activity makes you feel good and do it!

No excuses here. Everybody has something they enjoy doing that makes them feel good. Take a walk, bake a cake, draw/color, roller skate, talk with your grandma. I don’t care what it is. Every week you must do this thing that rejuvenates you.

Add it to your schedule.

You need to actively plan to set aside time to do this activity and stick to it. You are worth it.

Just Start.

Maybe the first week you don’t give yourself even an hour for your activity. But do something. If your activity is to walk and you only get a five-minute walk in, feel good about accomplishing that and try for more next week.

Take care of yourself physically.

Sleep – most adults need 7 to 8 hours a night.
Eat well – A healthy diet fuels natural energy and boosts our self-esteem and confidence.
Exercise – It is as good for our emotional health as our physical health because of the endorphins released. However, in keeping with the self-care principal choose an exercise you like.
Maintain good hygiene – You’ll just feel better about yourself.

Give up what drains you.

Are there relationships that zap your energy? Give yourself some distance. Are you constantly connected to your phone…checking e-mails, texts, snap chat, social media? Set your device aside for an hour. Are there certain events you hate attending? Stop going. Your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable and should be used with intention. When you establish boundaries, you reinforce healthy self-esteem.

Choose who you spend time with.

Look for people who are upbeat, positive, and enjoy life. Get rid of toxic relationships. It is also good to have people in your life who have perhaps faced similar struggles as you and can relate. Support groups can be very helpful.

Celebrate Recovery is a partner organization of ours that offers support to anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind. They are a safe place to find community and freedom from the issues that are controlling your life. You can find a group in your community here: Celebrate Recovery Group Finder

Stop Overthinking

If you start to over-think, haul out a journal and write your thoughts down. Acknowledge what is on your mind. Now that they are written down and your thoughts are captured, you don’t need to dwell on them anymore.

Realize Self-care is non-negotiable.

Have the attitude that self-care is a necessity and don’t give it up. It can be easy to put it off or make up reasons you just can’t, but YOU can!

Why is Self-Care So Hard for us to do?

According to Jessica Michaelson, Psy.D, many of us don’t know how to practice self-care because “we weren’t taught to pay attention to our inner states — or to trust them. ‘Instead, we are taught what we’re ‘supposed’ to think and feel, and try to ignore feelings that we think we ‘shouldn’t’ feel.’

Consider a newborn who cries when they’re hungry. That is an example of self-care, Michaelson said. ‘That is sensing your inner state, and taking action to get your needs met.’ Because when we ignore our needs, over time, we become sick, unhappy and overwhelmed, she said.

Maybe you’re anxious about a certain situation. But you’re ashamed about your nervous feelings, so you pretend they don’t exist. Maybe you’re really upset about something. But you think you should be happy, so you stuff down your sadness. Maybe you really need 9 hours of sleep. But you believe you should be able to function just fine on 6 hours—so that’s what you try to do. Maybe your entire body is saying no to a commitment. But you don’t want to seem rude or impolite, so you say yes.” (Psychcentral.com)

If you never make an effort to do something about the fact that you don’t like the way you are feeling, or take the time to examine why you are feeling that way and consider what you can do to feel better, your emotions will catch up to you and you will start to feel hopeless.

This reminds me of this famous quote:

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” – Henry Ford

But there is always HOPE.

I told you I would get back to answering the question of why you are worth loving. Here’s what I know.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” - Henry Ford Click To Tweet

Why you are worth loving.

Unfortunately, in this selfish, sinful world people will never love us perfectly. Even those who truly love us will let us down at some point. Perhaps you have been let down by someone who was supposed to love you. We are all human and will make mistakes in our relationships. If we put our hope in people, we will be disappointed.

In the Bible it says: “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23

Even when people turn their back on you, God still loves you NO MATTER WHAT. He cares so much for you, he even knows how many hairs you have on your head. He desires to have you know him and to have a relationship with you.

When you know how God feels about you and what God says about you, the world no longer has the power to define you.

Do you have any idea who you truly are? Are you searching for “the real you”? Get this:

You are created in the image of God. You are not random cells thrown together. God designed you to be like Him. He didn’t make a mistake when He created you. You are amazing just the way you are.

The Bible says, “Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:26-27)

Stop believing all the lies. Identify yourself as a child of God, created in HIS image. Click To TweetHow can someone created in the image of God be worthless?

Your identity is no longer tied to:

What you achieve · What you look like · Who approves of you · Mistakes of your past

Your worth is defined by who God says you are:

Chosen ·Accepted ·Treasured ·Beautiful ·Protected ·Able ·Complete ·Known·Overcomer ·Masterpiece ·Rescued ·Held

Want to read more about what God says about you?

In conclusion…

How do I learn to love myself?

Start with these three things:

Decide you are worth taking care of.
Practice Self-Care
Learn to see yourself as God sees you.

For more on learning to love yourself download our free eBook on Understanding Self-Worth.

9 Misconceptions About Seeking Professional Counseling

by Dawson McAllister

We often hear a common concern……

“I’m afraid to see a professional counselor.”

Have you had this thought as well? Do you feel you may benefit from seeing a counselor, but face fears about scheduling an appointment?

Perhaps you have convinced yourself of many reasons why you shouldn’t go to counseling. A lot of these reasons may be seemingly understandable. However, more than likely, they are common misconceptions rooted in fear.

Today I want to address some of those myths because I see such value in talking to a counselor on an on-going basis.

I can talk to someone for 4 minutes on my radio show and our HopeCoaches can chat a bit longer on TheHopeLine. This gives us enough time to point someone in the right direction, to love on them and to give them hope. But many times, that guidance includes encouraging someone to seek on-going counseling, especially for those deeper issues.

If you have considered seeing a professional counselor, but have talked yourself out of it because of unwarranted fears, I hope this information will help you become more comfortable in seeking the help that you need.

One of our partner organizations is Centerstone. They are one of the nation’s largest not-for-profit providers of community-based behavioral health care. Below they share a list of common misconceptions about treatment that we are in turn sharing with you:

Common Misconceptions About Treatment:

If I need help, something must be wrong with me. I must be broken or abnormal.

Just like with physical illness, mental illness and addiction are medical problems. You wouldn’t say that someone who has cancer or the flu is broken. They need treatment just like someone with a mental illness or addiction.

No one will understand my problem. I don’t deserve help.

One in four American adults will experience a mental illness in their lifetime. That’s 25% of the population. There are many people who know what you are going through. You deserve to feel healthy and whole.

If I come in for an appointment, they will take me away.

Involuntary commitment is extremely rare, particularly at first appointments. Just like a physician’s office, there are occasionally people who need to be taken to the ER. But most folks just go in for their regular treatment.

They’ll put me on pills that will put me in a fog, and I’ll never be able to stop taking them.

As with physical illnesses, some mental health disorders will require short- or long-term medication regimens. It can be an important part of treatment, but it should never make you feel like you’re not yourself or in control. You have a say in these treatments.

If I just try harder, I won’t need treatment.

Mental health and substance abuse treatment is for people who have an illness that deserves treatment, just as much as any other illness. It can’t be cured by trying harder or ignoring the problem.

People will think less of me if I go to a therapist.

Thankfully, we are at a point in time where a lot of people are speaking out about their mental illness and a lot is being done to combat the stigma surrounding it. And while you may be encouraged to talk to your loved ones and community members about your illness, a counselor respects their clients’ privacy. They will never reveal you receive treatment without your express permission. In fact, they can’t; it’s the law!

Therapy is just a lot of talking; I can get the help I need from my friends.

While a strong support system of friends and family is very important, there are things that we can help you with that your loved ones might not be able to. Our clinicians have extensive training and experience so they know all the tricky ways that your mental illness can trip you up and how to overcome your hurdles.

If I get treatment, I’ll have to keep going forever.

A counselor’s goal is always to get you back into your community as quickly as possible. While some patients may need long-term treatment, many individuals just need a few weeks or months to deal with their problem.

I can’t afford it.

Most insurance providers will cover some form of mental health treatment; it may be less expensive than you think. For those without insurance or those whose insurance doesn’t cover mental health treatment, you should inquire about programs set up to help provide funds to those who need assistance.
(Resource: https://centerstone.org/what-to-expect/common-misconceptions )

Live Your Best Life

If you are struggling with a serious issue such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, self-harm and many more, please love yourself enough to consider the option of counseling. Don’t dismiss the idea because of one of these misconceptions listed above. You do deserve to live your best life and you can achieve it. Sometimes we all just need a little help.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. They provide for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Dawson McAllister Live On-Line

by Dawson McAllister

A Show for You No Matter What You’re Going Through

I have been a radio host for a live, call-in radio show for over 25 years. It is something I absolutely love to do and am incredibly passionate about!

The thing about live radio is you never know exactly what you are going to get or how it’s going to turn out. It’s exciting!

But more than that, I love talking to YOU. I love giving people a little bit of hope in their struggle. It’s not easy to hear the hurt and despair that people are facing. Often my heart out-right breaks for my callers because God has given me a love for every person I talk to. But I am so blessed to be able to help them think more clearly and point them in a healthy direction.

As I was able to do here with Aubry:

Aubrey - 16 - Boyfriend cheated and she started cutting

It is an honor to help people discover the truth about their struggle and give them guidance.

Moving to On-Line Radio

After 25 years of traditional radio, we have now moved the show entirely on-line, right here. We are live Sunday nights at 7pm CT.

The format of the show continues to be the same…real people talking about real problems. It’s heartfelt, sometimes raw, and often inspiring.

I hope you’ll tune in and maybe even give me a call. You can call me at 1-800-394-4673.

A lot of people ask me…how did you get started in radio?

A Passion to Help the Hurting

I began my career as a youth speaker. In the 1980’s I would host arena-sized youth conferences across the country reaching millions of students. In each city, I encountered people who were in serious crisis. They shared stories of abuse, rape, cutting, addictions, eating disorder, suicidal thoughts and more. They were desperate to be rescued. At one point students started bringing notes to the front of the stage and laying them at my feet…notes filled with pain and despair. They were prisoners of self-condemnation and shame.

What was I supposed to do with all this pain?

I was visiting about 25 cities a year and I was burdened by the fact that we blew in, we blew up and we blew out. I was also acutely aware that I was reaching just a small portion of students across the country. There must be so many more who were deeply broken. How could we reach more? Was there a way to talk to them one-on-one? How could we have more of a sustained impact?

Getting Started in Radio

Then God opened a door. I was approached by a super-power Christian radio station out of Minneapolis, MN. They made a proposal. If they provided the air-time and technical know-how, would I host a weekly call-in show for teenagers and young adults? This was the answer to my heart’s desire to reach more young people for a longer period of time. Now I could be in their homes or cars every week.

In January of 1991 we launched Dawson McAllister Live. A call-in talk radio show for teenagers was a radical idea at the time, but it began to work almost instantly. Stations were being added quickly and more and more teenagers and young adults were calling in every week. Eventually the show was heard on 250 stations across the country.

So you see, I didn’t set out to be a radio host. I set out to follow God’s call on my life to help young people in trouble and in following that call, God led me to radio.

Then in 2005, this calling led me to another radio endeavor. I was still burdened to reach more people, and I began dreaming of taking my show to Top 40 radio stations, knowing that was where I could reach even more young adults. Again doors were opened, and Dawson McAllister Live signed on with its first affiliate station; KJYO in Oklahoma City. Eventually more than 140 stations would air the show with a weekly audience of over 1 million listeners.

Why People Listen

The show has been blessed with a great response from listeners over the years. We always had more calls than we could answer and the reviews were great. In reflecting on why the show resonates with so many people, I have a few ideas.

Realized They Aren’t Alone

For the first time, people heard other people talking about the same kind of struggles they were facing and realized they weren’t alone. I often hear from people who say they never called into the show personally but took the advice I gave on the radio for themselves, and it made all the difference. Like this caller who said she would hear me giving advice to other people and could relate to it and it was like I was talking to her directly. Take a listen.

Listening to Your Show Made All the Difference

Genuine Care

Another reason I’ve been able to connect with so many people is they know I honestly care about them. As I mentioned before, God gives me a love for each caller and it’s genuine. If you are faking your concern for someone, they’ll know. They can spot a fake a mile away. But people can sense my authenticity…my heart-felt desire for them to really get out of the mess they are in and get help. And because of that I am able to earn their trust. They open up to me on national radio with stuff they have never told anyone before.

The Truth is Told

Finally – I’m not afraid to cut straight to the issue and be very direct. Live radio doesn’t allow me time to step lightly around the subject. I have to get to the heart of the problem quickly and be as honest as I can. People respect that. In fact, they expect it. I don’t try to cover anything over with pretty platitudes. I call it like it is. Often for the first time, someone cared enough for them to speak the truth, and the truth is a powerful tool.

Radio Moments that Moved Me

Knowing that God has used me all these years to impact the lives of so many listeners is humbling. Every time I hear a story of how someone’s life was touched by something I said, I am so thankful God called me to this work. A few weeks ago during my on-line show, I shared with my co-host, Rachel Cardinal, some of my most memorable moments. I hope you will find them encouraging as well.

SHOW REFLECTIONS

Please tune in live on-line…Sunday nights at 7pm. Remember, its’ a show for you, no matter what you are going through.

Love,

Dawson

Dawson McAllister LIVE Starts Sunday, April 1st!

This post has been updated. The newest version is here.

I Need You To Be A Part of the Dawson McAllister Live Show on April 1st!

I’m back on air and I want to talk with you! I need you to be a part of my first show on Sunday, April 1st at 7 pm CDT! Call 800-394-HOPE (4673) and leave a message letting me know you want to be a part of the show or email me at dawson@thehopeline.com. I will email you back with details on how to be on my first Dawson McAllister Live Show on April 1st.

Never miss a show, sign up to get texts from Dawson!

Dawson McAllister Live starts Sunday, April 1st! Never miss a show, sign up to get texts from me. Click To Tweet

Dawson McAllister is Live Online Every Sunday Night at 7 pm Central at DMLive.com

I will be LIVE online every Sunday night at 7 pm CDT at DMLive.com. So, if you have something you are struggling with or if you want to call me and just say, “Hi Dawson, I’m listening!” I would really love to talk with you. Call me Sunday nights at 7 pm CDT at 1-800-394-HOPE!

Your Friend,

My Hero – Billy Graham

by Dawson McAllister

God used Billy Graham to change my life. As I reflect back, Billy Graham was one of the top 5 people that had a dramatic influence over me.

This man inspired me greatly. He was a shining example of someone who dedicated his life to reaching people who were searching for real and lasting hope.

In many ways, he motivated me to spend my whole life reaching out to hurting teenagers and young adults.

I had the distinct privilege of meeting Billy Graham on a couple of occasions. One time when I was very young and another when I was starting my own ministry.

Last week at the age of 99 Billy Graham passed on to heaven. He is famously quoted throughout his life as saying, “My home is in heaven. I’m just passing through this world.” So we rejoice that he is now home with Jesus. As Billy Graham is laid to rest, I pause to reflect on my great memories of meeting my hero.

But first, let us remember who Billy Graham is…

Billy Graham’s Message

Billy Graham was a very influential evangelist and preacher in America. He held large indoor and outdoor rallies calling people to a relationship with Jesus Christ. His sermons were broadcast nationally on radio and television, beginning in the 1940’s until 2005 when he retired. He preached to live audiences of over 210 million people in more than 185 countries.

“Billy Graham pursued a singular vision—to share the love of Jesus Christ with all who would listen. In doing so he has met with Presidents, kings, queens, celebrities, and everyday men, women, and children. No matter his audience, the message is still the same. “Everywhere I go I find that people … both leaders and individuals … are asking one basic question,” Billy Graham has said. “‘Is there any hope for the future?’ My answer is the same, ‘Yes, through Jesus Christ.’” Billy Graham Library

Billy Graham’s message never changed. It is a simple message, but one that comes straight from God’s Word. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). A message of God’s love, God’s forgiveness, and God’s salvation through Jesus Christ.

To learn more about his message watch this: A Tribute to Billy Graham

My Personal Memories of Meeting Billy Graham

The first time I had an encounter with Billy Graham, I was but 10 years old and our whole family attended one of his crusades in a stadium in Minneapolis.

Once the crusade was over, he stepped off the stage and was heading for the exit. Several hundred people and I had the same idea, to shake Billy Graham’s hand. When I got within a few feet of him, people were surrounding him, wanting an autograph or to have Billy pray for them. I just wanted a handshake, so I finally grabbed Billy’s hand even as the crowd continued to grow. He drug me several feet before I let go. I’ll never forget that day, the day Billy Graham sort of shook my hand.

On Stage with Billy Graham

Years later, I was working in youth ministry in Southern California and Billy Graham was coming to town. I worked hard to spread the word about the Billy Graham crusade, encouraging teenagers and young adults to attend. I was invited to sit on the stage during the event. Before it began, Billy came over to me, reached out his hand for a handshake and thanked me for all the work I had done for teenagers. I was blown away by this meeting. He was a shy man with intense humble eyes.

I was sitting no more than 10 feet from Dr. Graham as he preached, right next to one of his personal aids. During his rally, the aid leaned over and said, “Did you know that Dr. Graham stepped on a bar of soap this afternoon and cracked 3 ribs?” He went on to say, “Billy is wearing a bullet proof vest and is in much pain.” I watched him as he preached. You could tell he was hurting, but he made it through the sermon. When the alter call started, thousands of people walked to the stage to accept Jesus Christ as Lord of their life. I thought, “What a man, preaching in pain and look at the results.” It was a once in a lifetime experience I will never forget.

Our friend and recording artist, Lacey Sturm, shares her tribute to Billy Graham in this video. His message touched so many!

Lacey Sturm: “We’re Still Here” To Continue Billy Graham’s Message.

Billy Graham…What a man! What a ministry!

If you are interested in learning more about where Billy Graham, Lacey Sturm and I all find our hope. Please download this free eBook Understanding a Relationship with God.

What To Do When We’re Mad At God

by Dawson McAllister

Are You Mad At God?

I’ve got to believe at some point in your life, you’ve raised your fist and shouted out in anger at God. Most of us have done it.

Maybe your parent died, or you had a friend get seriously sick, or even killed. Maybe you have cancer, or some kind of handicap. These and other serious issues enter our lives, making it easy to target God for our pain.

Someone described anger this way: Anger is a human emotional response to situations that are either out of our control or out of our ability to understand, or both.

Have you ever wondered why we get so angry at God? That’s what I want to talk about, because I can assure you that while God allows us to cry out to Him, He doesn’t want us stuck in rage towards Him.

What are some of reasons why we get mad at God?

The main reason we get so upset with God is because we think He owes us something. This usually happens in two ways:

1) We don’t get something we want.

Have you ever really wanted a relationship with that perfect girl or guy? Or you really wanted that job you knew for certain would be perfect for you? When these things didn’t work out, you no doubt found yourself hurt and disappointed. Our first impulse is almost always to blame God.

Daphne wrote: When we get mad at God it is really like a 2-year-old throwing a fit because Mommy or Daddy won’t let them stick their finger in the light socket. The 2-year-old can only see what he/she wants, the parent sees the bigger picture, and the danger. When we are mad at God we show our immaturity, ignorance, and our shortsightedness.

2) We get something we DON’T expect.

When something bad happens to someone we love, or to us, or someone gets really sick, or even dies we wonder why these things have to happen. We think of God as a big genie in the sky who should only give us good things and prevent the bad.

I received a comment from someone who said: Some people wonder why their lives end up being a certain way, and they blame God for it, because if God really cared for them, then He wouldn’t let them suffer.

For more on reconciling the goodness of God and bad things in the world read these blogs from organizations we partner with:

Where is God in the midst of tragedy?

How Can God Allow So Much Evil and Suffering?

We think, “If God is so loving, why am I in so much pain? Is He punishing me for no reason by allowing horrible things to happen to me, or the people I love, or even the world?”

We think God owes us something.

Both of these situations can make a person feel like God doesn’t care about us. After all the prayers we’ve prayed, God still didn’t heal your brother’s cancer, or get you the job you wanted.

Joe wrote:I have to admit that I am angry at God. The more I have prayed for help and guidance, the more I get nothing. He is ignoring me. It’s His right to do with me what He will, but I am frustrated because I have done what I think I am supposed to do and yet no response, no help.

We get angry when we think God owes us something. When in fact, God owes us nothing.

We get angry when we think God owes us something. When in fact, God owes us nothing. #madatGod Click To Tweet

A couple other reasons:

We get angry with God when we don’t know all the facts. It’s so easy to think we know everything, but we can only see a very small part of the picture.
We get angry at God when we see others claim to know Him, and then act like hypocrites. It’s easy to blame God for the faults of others.

These are just a few reasons why people get angry with God. Of course, there are many more.

How to get over being mad at God – Know what you can expect from Him.

If we think God is going to be our genie in a bottle, and make everything good in our lives, we’re going to be mad at God when something bad happens. Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

In the Bible Jesus says- “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

So what can we expect from God?

His Peace – If we trust in Him and believe in Him we will have peace even in the hard times. Do you want to know how to find this peace? Begin Your Journey To Peace with this great resource from Peace With God.
God Wins in the End – This world is full of sin, hate and death and that comes from the enemy, Satan, not from God. However, for all those who believe in Jesus there is glorious, eternal life in heaven.
His Comfort – He promises to be near those who are hurting. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
His love – He promises His love for us. “God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” (1 John 4:16) He loves your heart and is with you in the midst of whatever your circumstances.
Life with greater meaning and significance – If we got everything we thought we wanted, we’d be spoiled and selfish. God is a wise father who knows what we need to become the best men and women we can be.

Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships. #madatGod Click To Tweet

What can you do when you are mad at God?

1) Tell him how you feel.

The best thing you can do is tell God what you’re angry about. He wants to hear from you about what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell God honestly where you are at. God knows what’s going on inside of you, but He wants to you be able to come to Him with honesty and openness.

2) Place the blame for evil on Satan not on God.

God is good and Holy and perfect and loving. He is the opposite of evil. You may be mad at God because he didn’t prevent the bad from happening to you, but he is not to blame for the bad thing, Satan is. Jesus says in the Bible “The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” (John 10:10)

3) Pray for courage, strength and peace to make it through the day.

Betsy wrote: I find it easiest to leave everything in God’s hands and pray that he will care for me and do what’s BEST for me, not what I want, but what is best. It’s very hard, and I have trouble with that at times, but that is my overall goal.

4) Trust that God will use a hardship for something beyond what you can see.

So can God use for everything we go through for a greater purpose? I believe He can. Ask God for understanding to see the bigger picture. Over time, you may see more clearly a how God used your trial for good.

Jill wrote honestly: I feel like I have a daily tug of war with God. I know everything happens for a reason, but when you’re lonely, broke, bored, and feel helpless, it is really hard to say, okay God, I know you’re doing this for a reason.

Betsy echoed Jill’s thoughts: After many trials I learned that it is best to accept what God has done and believe that it is for my good, whether I like it or not.

Believing He does have a reason for everything we go through helps us to trust that something bigger is going on here, even more than we can probably understand. But I’m not God, He is. And I’m just going to trust that He knows what’s going on with me.

5) Get involved in other people’s lives.

A lot of our anger and frustration in life comes from thinking about ourselves too much – we think about the way things are and how different they are from how we wish they’d be.

Yevgenia wrote: One of the best things I have learned while going through this is God won’t put you through something unless he knows you will be able to overcome it. Another way I have used these things in a positive way is by using my experiences to help others who are going through similar things in their lives.

The best way to find joy and peace from the hardships of life is to get involved in other people’s lives. Take an interest in other people and their circumstances. Share in their joy and their pain.

6) Decide to have a relationship with God.

The Bible says the only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus. Jesus was basically God with skin-on and gave us a way to know who He is, His love, and how be in relationship with Him.

The Bible says the only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus. #madatGod Click To Tweet

Lucas wrote: Sometimes only God will know why He has allowed a trial and sometimes He will reveal its purpose to us. Sometimes it’s because He is preparing us for a greater thing. Sometimes it is to show to us how little we truly love Him, and to allow us to change. Trials give us an opportunity to build our faith in a way nothing else can.

How have you dealt with your own personal anger toward God? I’d love to hear from you. Please let me know how you got over being upset with God.

Do you have questions about who God is? Check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook: Understanding a Relationship with God.

Inspiring Stories of Everyday Kindness

by Dawson McAllister

Making Kindness the Norm

I imagine you have heard the term Random Acts of Kindness (RAK), but did you know that every February there is a week dedicated to RAK? I think this is awesome because anything that promotes showing kindness to others is a win in my book. In my blog, The Kindness Experiment, I talk about how I believe showing kindness truly could change the world. Today I share stories of kindness shown in normal everyday life.

In an effort to help us all make kindness the norm and not the exception, I hope to inspire you today with 25 real-life stories of random acts of kindness. I hope this list encourages you to notice those around you and become aware of how you can bring sunshine to someone’s life.

Interesting side-note before we begin:

I asked my staff to share with me their personal stories of kindness and also asked this question, “What is the nicest thing someone ever did for you?” on social media. The list below is a compilation of the TRUE LIFE stories I received. As people thought of stories to share, they mentioned that they were surprised how these times when kindness was both shown to them and by them stuck out in their memories. I imagine this is true for two reasons. First – Kindness carries that much impact. Second – It is not the norm.

25 real-life stories of random acts of #kindness from TheHopeLine staff and you! #RAK Click To Tweet

Now here we go!

Random Acts of Kindness – Inspirational Stories

We can show kindness anywhere and anytime. Don’t miss the chance to seize the opportunity wherever you are!

Ideas for Showing Kindness at a Store:

I was walking through Target and my two-year old was throwing a tantrum and another woman walked past me, smiled and said “Don’t worry. You’re a great mom.” Just the encouragement I needed.
An elderly gentleman was attempting to carry six Styrofoam coolers to his car on a windy day. As I watched, they all started to blow across the parking lot. Together we began chasing coolers, laughing at ourselves and somehow managed to get them all into his car.
I overheard a woman that was crying and upset as I was shopping for purses in a TJ Maxx. She was talking on the phone about getting fired from a restaurant due to a misunderstanding about missing money. She had walked to the TJ Maxx and didn’t have gas in her car to get home or any money for the week. I felt the Lord tugging on my heart. He told me not to judge her, not worry about why she was fired or what she would do with the money. He said help her. After her phone conversation was over I walked up to her, hugged her and gave her the $40 cash that was in my purse. I told her I would pray for her and that God loved her. She lit up and couldn’t believe it! She was so thankful that someone cared.
It was my daughter’s 1st birthday and I went to purchase a birthday cookie and cupcakes. I was so embarrassed when my debit card was declined, that I just left the store. As I was getting into my car, a gentleman who was behind me in line came out and gave me the cookie and cupcakes and said it was on him. I cried and hugged him. How do you thank someone enough?
I was checking out at Wal-Mart and the cashier had the most beautiful color of vibrant pink dyed hair that I had ever seen. So I told her I loved her hair color. She went from a blank look as she scanned my groceries to an engaging smile as we proceeded to talk about how she was able to achieve that color.
We were going in to Kroger Marketplace one day and saw gentlemen riding in one of the electric chairs the store provides. It was raining and he had a basket full of groceries. I felt this need to help him. So I went over and asked if he wanted help putting his groceries in his car. He happily agreed. I noticed he had a Korean War Veteran hat on so when he asked if I would take $5 for my help, I told him no, his service was thanks enough. He was surprised. I told him to have a good day and took the electric chair back inside.
On a day that I was really low on cash and ran into two of my friends at the store. I didn’t tell them I was having financial problems, but had only $100 for the whole month. I filled my cart and prayed the entire time I was shopping. As I was checking out, I ran into them again and they paid for my whole cart of food. They said they both heard God tell them to pay for it for me!
I am a cashier at Walmart. I had a gentleman come in, and he told me that he had to pay a large sum of money for some sort of unexpected life event. He looked like he was lacking a few days of sleep, and was stressed. With the little money he had left over he planned to buy a DVD player. When he went to pay for it, it was 58 dollars. He only had $38. He looked disappointed. I went around the counter to where he was, and paid off what else he owed on the DVD player. He had tears to his eyes and thanked me for my act of kindness. That was the best moment of my career at Walmart.

You can show #kindness anywhere and anytime. Don't miss the chance to seize the opportunity! #RAK Click To Tweet

How to show Kindness at a Restaurant:

During my college years, I worked as a waitress and one night I spilled an entire pitcher of ice water on a lady in my booth. I was mortified and did my best to help her dry off. I couldn’t stop apologizing. She was very gracious and kept telling me, “It’s O.K. sweetie.” At the end of the night, I went to clear off her table. She had left me a note on the back of her ticket that said, “You did a great job. Remember God Loves You.” Along with my biggest tip of the night!
I was finishing my internship at Walt Disney World so my mom flew down to spend a few days with me before we had to pack my things and fly back. We had a reservation at one of the park restaurants, and as we were seated, we began talking to this family at the table next to us. They were extremely nice and asked all kinds of questions about my internship. They were finishing up so our conversation was a brief five minutes. Mom and I had a nice dinner, and when we requested the bill, our server informed us that the family next to us payed for our entire bill. My mom, bless her heart, broke down with tears of happiness, and I shed a few myself. I will never ever forget that moment. (Facebook)
My granddaughter (10 years old) and I were Christmas shopping and stopped at the Mall’s food court for a quick lunch. We wanted different things so she when to get Pizza. She struck up a conversation with the woman in front of her. When she got to the front of the line the woman had paid for her food. My granddaughter was amazed and tried to insist that she pay for her own. The woman simply told her to study hard and pass it on when she got the opportunity.
A friend of mine and I went to lunch together and we could see our waitress was struggling. So we asked how she was doing. She said she was fine at first, but after some persuasion, she told us she was a single mom and didn’t have the money to cover her electric bill due that day. We asked how much she owed. We relayed our sympathies to her and went back to eating lunch. However, we both felt God tugging at our hearts to help her. I left the restaurant to go get cash and my friend spoke to the manager. The manager said she was a hard-working, honest person and he would allow her to take a break so she could go and pay her electric bill. When we gave her the money, her face was priceless. She told us how grateful she was as tears welled up in her eyes.

The Kindness Experiment

How to be kind at an airport:

A friend was walking through the airport with her 2-year-old and 3 month old, carrying a car seat and diaper bag and she was struggling to make her way to the baggage claim without losing her 2-year-old. No one paid her any attention. Finally – as she was nearing the baggage claim another lady offered to carry her car seat so she could hold her two-year old’s hand and it made all the difference.
Read Houston’s story – Would you stop to comfort a lady sobbing in the airport? Houston’s Story
One time on a very long flight from the states to Russia, I was assigned a seat next to a Russian young woman and her small child. It was a long flight and the child sat quietly for a while but then got bored and started trying to get out of his seat. His mom was calm, but you could see she was getting worn out trying to keep him entertained. Even though we couldn’t speak the same language, I started playing games with him. We drew pictures in my notebook. We had a lot of fun and before I knew it, we arrived. His mom gave me the biggest hug and I could see the gratefulness in her eyes

Examples of Kindness to students

During my senior year of high school, I had a part-time job but didn’t have much money for extras. I really wanted a yearbook but they were $50 and I just couldn’t afford it. The day came when yearbooks were being passed out. I had my little notebook of blank paper so I still get everyone’s signatures. When I heard my name called to go and pick up a yearbook, I just knew it had to be a mistake but I went ahead to check it out. The lady handing them out said with a smile, “Here’s your yearbook, someone anonymously paid for you.” I was blown away. Still to this day, I don’t know who paid for it.
As a sophomore, Sabrina Ma started an Acts of Random Kindness Club at her school as a way to deal with her own internal strife and help others – Acts of Random Kindness Club
When my parents were going through a divorce in middle school, my 7th grade teacher didn’t make a fuss when I misplaced a HUGE homework packet. She whispered to me later that she believed I did it and gave me an A. I wanted to fall apart every day during middle school, but she was a huge light in those dark times.
At the end of a year in college, I had just enough money for gas to get me back home for the summer. The air conditioner in my car wasn’t working and since it was the end of May and I had a long trip home, I asked a mechanic to check it out. He couldn’t fix the air conditioner in time, but when he brought the car back to me, he had filled the car with gas and left $7 stuck on the steering column. Not only was it a random act of kindness to me, but another assurance that God loving provides for His children.
Read Rachel’s story of the incredible impact just saying “hi” can have. Just Say “Hi”

I believe showing #kindness truly could change the world. #RAK @DawsonRadio Click To Tweet

Showing Kindness in Your Community & Neighborhood

There is town in frigid South Dakota where residents put stocking caps on all the statues in town with the known purpose that the homeless can help themselves to a hat.
My neighbor was fighting breast cancer and I saw this super-soft, long-sleeved t-shirt on-line that said “It is Well With My Soul.” I knew that quote meant a lot to her, so I ordered it and dropped it off one day with a book of prayer.
The nicest thing anyone has done for me was when a new neighbor, to whom I had been ministering, told me that she could see Jesus in me, because no one had ever shown her love the way I had shown it!
One evening as my daughter and I were leaving our church a family pulled into the parking lot in their station wagon. They were hoping to get a hot shower at the church before heading on to Indiana. As we talked, the lady shared that her husband had been laid off for some time. I could see that she was weary and losing hope. They were trying to make it to Indiana as her husband had a job waiting for him, but the trip had cost them more money than they expected. She asked if we could help her with gas. I rarely carry cash, but I had stopped at the ATM on my way. This encounter was not random. I believe our heavenly Father allowed an opportunity to bless us both with an act of kindness.
At a Christian women’s conference that I was attending with my mom and sister, I saw a lady walk in by herself. She looked lost as she scanned the crowd for a place to sit. I felt God prompting me to go and invite her to sit by us. She immediately gave me a hug and said I was an answer to prayer. Her neighbor was supposed to attend the conference with her, but had backed out at the last minute. She almost didn’t come because going alone felt lonely. However, she found the courage to attend the event by herself. Her husband had passed away and she knew she would find encouragement and comfort if she went.
I was driving home from college in a heavy rain one dark spring night in the pre-cellphone era. Suddenly, I had a flat tire about three miles from the small town where my parents lived. Sadly, I hadn’t paid attention during the tire-changing demonstration in drivers education class, so I was essentially helpless. However, just as I parked on the shoulder of the county road, I saw headlights behind me. It was a young man, accompanied by his wife. He got out and asked if I needed help, which was an understatement. He got plenty muddy and soaking wet over the next fifteen minutes as he put on my spare, while I stood there twiddling my thumbs. Then the young husband quietly returned to their car and waited until I drove off.
I was losing my hearing and was struggling to do my job as a teacher/trainer. I began to withdraw due to my loss of hearing. So I made an appointment with company that would allow me to borrow a pair of hearing aids. They made such a difference and I wanted to purchase them, but they were very expensive. Unbelievably, two friends told me they would cover the total cost. My life has been radically changed due to this gift of hearing via hearing aids.

Are you inspired yet? I hope so! Please inspire others by commenting below – let us know how someone has shared kindness with you when you weren’t expecting it or how you showed kindness to someone else.

Can Cody Forgive His Mom?: EP 7

How to Forgive Those Who Have Deeply Hurt You.

In This Episode:

No doubt there is at least one person in your life you need to forgive. This person has deeply hurt you, violated you and caused you tremendous pain. What the person did to you is inexcusable but it is forgivable. Forgiving them means you are giving up your right to get even with that person. Even if you don’t feel like it, choose forgiveness for your own well-being.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

What happens if you don’t forgive? You become a slave to bitterness. Bitterness will corrupt you and those around you. Forgiving is not easy but with God’s help, all things are possible. He forgave us therefore we absolutely can offer forgiveness to others, no matter the offense. The Bible says to, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Colossians 3:13)

Resources for help with forgiveness:

Take a look at my blogs: What is Forgiveness, 6 Myths About Forgiveness, How to Forgive, What Happens When You Don’t Forgive and Seeking Forgiveness.
For more help with relationships, download the free eBook: Understanding Forgiveness.
Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor
Need prayer? We have people that will pray for you at ThePrayerZone

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

My next episode is on mother abandonment.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

7 Reasons to be Just Friends

by Dawson McAllister

Just Friends vs. Dating

Being “Just Friends” with someone from the opposite sex that you can just hang out with, while avoiding all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama, can be a real blessing. I wish every teenager and young adult could experience a friendship with someone from the opposite sex with no strings attached. It’s possible to have a Just Friends relationship, but so many people are looking for that perfect one. That boyfriend or girlfriend that’s going to sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. In the meantime, they lose out on all the good times a relationship with Just Friends could bring them.

I get tons of calls on my radio show about boyfriend/girlfriend drama and broken hearts. Sometimes, the consequences of bad dating relationships can be hard and life-changing, like unintended pregnancies, STDs, and abuse.

I find myself saying to many of these callers, “You don’t need a boyfriend. You need a boy you can be “just friends” with.” The same is true for guys. We think we need that special girl, but often we simply want a woman in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.

What I’m trying to say is having a friend from the opposite sex is a huge gift to you and can be far healthier than the drama of dating. I wish everyone who dates would have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective.

A while back I asked for comments from my readers about the advantages of having a friend from the opposite sex. I read through every comment and came up with 7 good reasons to be “Just Friends”.

Everyone who dates should have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective. Click To Tweet

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

Quality Relationships

You tend to respect your friends more than the people you randomly date. People who have Just Friends relationships tend to respect their friend and take care of them more than just random dating that comes and goes. I’m best friends with a guy named Mikey and he’s awesome. We respect each other. We know that we don’t want anything to ruin what we have. (Angelica)
“Just Friend” relationships tend to be more like brother and sister relationships. Everybody needs brothers and sisters, but let’s just suppose for a moment that you’re a guy who doesn’t have a sister or a girl who doesn’t have a brother. Or perhaps you don’t relate well to your brother or sister. Just Friends can help fill the gap of those who have never experienced a good brother or sister relationship. Just Friends’ is like having a brother or a sister for those who didn’t have a sibling of the opposite sex.(Christy) By the way, if you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, you are truly blessed.
You can be very honest and real within a “Just Friends” relationship. When dating, there can be a lot of fear of losing your boyfriend or girlfriend. So many times, people are not honest with one another about their feelings. All this does is make the dating relationship weak and prone to fall apart. But in Just Friends, you tend to be more honest because you feel more secure in the relationship and the stakes aren’t quite so high. Learning how to be honest in a relationship is extremely important. So, what you learn about honesty in Just Friends you can apply someday to your boyfriend/girlfriend. I like having him as friend because it’s nice to have a guys’ opinion when you need it and I know he will truly give me an honest answer.(Rissa) I like what Laura had to say, They keep you grounded, and aren’t afraid to give you a reality check when you obviously need one.(Laura)There’s a cool verse from the wisest man in the Bible. His name is King Solomon and he said, An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. He’s absolutely right. It’s hard to get people to be totally honest with you, but Just Friends can be just that.
“Just Friends” often protect each other. I have always been amazed at how real friends will protect each other no matter what. “Just Friends” may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It’s a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who’s got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she’s more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each others back now and forever.(Narda)

No Pressure
You can learn much about the opposite sex without the pressure of dating. It seems to me that many people really do not understand the opposite sex. Let’s face it, men and women look at the world differently and react differently to life. That’s one reason why in dating, things get so confusing. Because along with the deep emotion of young love or infatuation comes confusion and frustration. But a friend from the opposite sex can fill you in on what women/men are like. They can answer a lot of your questions about the opposite sex and save you all kinds of grief. I think it’s great to have a friend of the opposite sex because sometimes the same sex won’t understand some things you are going through such as if you have been in a bad break up. A guy can see your point of view when you’re talking about your ex, and it gives you an opportunity to see both sides of the story…(Megan)
There is no sexual pressure. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Guys aren’t pressured to have sex as much by girls, but some still are. Being pressured to have sex can be a very difficult experience. If you’re dating somebody and really like him/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going.That’s sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with “Just Friends”, you don’t have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is!

It’s so nice to just hang with guys who are “Just Friends” and not have any sexual stuff in between. It has never been that way between any of us!(Jenn) I’m amazed at how many people pressure their dating partner to go against their value system and do something sexual the other partner doesn’t want to do.
Just Friends are comfortable with each other with no need to impress. There is tremendous pressure on teenagers and young adults to impress other people, especially the opposite sex. They end up not even being themselves, but instead what they think the person of the opposite sex wants them to be. It’s just one big performance. Not being yourself and performing for others is extremely exhausting and never worth the effort. Just Friends helps solve that problem because with Just Friends you can be yourself and not worry about impressing. If you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, you don’t have to try to impress anyone. One of my best friends is a guy, and we talk about almost everything. I don’t have to prove myself, and neither does he.(Kaitlyn)

You can be very honest and real within a Just Friends relationship. #dating #friendship Click To Tweet

So save yourself a lot of stress by spending more time developing Just Friends relationships. It could be the wisest thing you’ll ever do.

There are so many good reasons to have Just Friends. I’m not against dating, but it can cause a lot of pressure and pain you don’t need. I’m all for Just Friends and who knows, the perfect love for your life may come along when not even looking for him/her. I want to encourage you to keep developing a Just Friends relationship. You’ll be glad you did.

Related Posts:

Challenges of Just Friends

Choose Friends Wisely

9 Tips for Being a Great Friend

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

If you have had a “just friends” relationship with someone from the opposite sex, please leave a comment below about both the pros or the cons.

Never Once Have You Ever Walked Alone [Video]

Never Once by Matt Redman

Whatever struggles we are facing …depression, anxiety, cutting, relationship issues, self-esteem, addictions, etc., can often leave us feeling as if we are very much alone. But God promises that He will never abandon us. He will never leave us on our own.

For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5

In this music video, Matt Redman, sings of God’s promise. “Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful. God you are faithful.”

All you need to do is call out to God. Pray to Him. Trust and believe that He is with you.

This is where we find our hope. [Read more…] about Never Once Have You Ever Walked Alone [Video]

The Kindness Experiment

The world is FULL of hurting people

Could showing kindness make an impact?

Every day on TheHopeLine, people respond to us, telling us about their burdens, sharing their depression, and expressing feelings of brokenness and deep loneliness. What can we do to impact their lives? I believe that a little kindness could go a long way because showing kindness gives others value.

The world is FULL of hurting people...Could showing kindness make an impact? @dawsonradio #kindness Click To Tweet

Here’s a glimpse at some of the comments we receive:

“I am bullied by my friends. They start teasing me spread fake things about me. My other classmates have good friends except me.” Amaya

“I remember from young on I was always obsessed with love. It was what I wanted more than anything in the world. I even subjected myself to a lot of bad treatment just to feel love. I’ve been used, abused, and mistreated by a lot of guys just to get it. Now I realize I brought it upon myself in some way.” Lindsey

“I hated myself for a while…I felt that I wasn’t worth anything and wondered why anyone would want to waste their time on me.” Betsy

“At least you have people that care and love you. I don’t have that and never did. I actually do care bout others but I have not one person asking me if I’m ok. Never did.” – JK

“Living is hard, dying is simple and easy. And to die by my choice seems to be the only way. Nobody not one friend nor family to talk to.. I’v wasted years thinking somebody could help me. The more i realise i’m just alone the more evident it becomes i’m not meant to live this life. Everything seems so pointless being alive.” – Sane

Where Does It End?

I can’t take it all in without asking myself, why so much sadness? How and where does it end?

Mother Theresa, one of the modern day saints, said it well, “The world is lost for want of sweetness and kindness. Do not forget we need each other.” She spent her life on the streets of Calcutta, India, amongst the poor and orphans and she recognized that “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

So I wonder…what if we were just kinder to one another? Here’s my challenge:

We Need More Kindness

For just one day take your eyes off of your own problems and considered that you are surrounded by people with problems of their own. They may look like they have it together…but, likely, you look pretty good from the outside as well. It doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting. So what if, for this one day, you simply choose to be kind?

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless. Mother Teresa

After years of talking to teens and young adults on the radio, I know this to be true…we are all desperate to be loved and accepted. I also know that when someone is treated with kindness and respect, they feel worthy and can hold their head a little higher. Whether you live in the slums of Calcutta, a ranch in Montana, small town Ireland, or the streets of Hong Kong, ALL of humanity wants to be seen and feel like they matter.

Sound too simple?

A Day of Choosing Kindness

I get that kindness won’t solve every problem, but let’s see what it could do.

There are a million ways to show kindness.

Today I encourage you to try this:

Sit down with the girl who always eats alone and invite your friends to join you, rather than walk past her again.
Tell your sister the shirt she stole from your closet looks nice on her rather than getting back at her for taking it without permission.
Take 5 minutes of your time to call your friend who is going through a tough time. Don’t keep putting it off.
Make a point to encourage teammate who lost the game for you, rather than blaming them.
Stop and say hi to the little kid on your block who sits outside by himself most days, rather than ignoring him.

Or how about this scenario:

Every morning when you wake up you have some choices to make. For example:

You could yell at your mom, flip off the driver who turned in front of you, ignore the person who sold you coffee, and give the cold shoulder to your friend who didn’t text you back.

You could hug your mom, wave at the person who turned in front of you, make eye-contact with the person who sold you coffee and wish them a good day, and forgive your friend for the oversight and ask how their night was.

A lot of it has to do with the impact our little choices have on others.

Inspiring Stories of Everyday Kindness

Here are some more simple ideas to consider:

Tell someone you like their sweater.

Compliment your boss or teacher.

Visit with your grandma.

Ask the gas station attendant how their day is going.

Help the person who dropped their groceries.

O.K. I’ll stop now. You get what I’m talking about.

Are you wondering what’s in it for you?

Every morning when you wake up you have some choices to make. #choosekindness #stopbullying Click To Tweet

Showing Kindness Makes You Happier

We are not on this planet alone….and when we care for each other our life takes on more meaning….more purpose…and quite honestly, more joy.

It is probably obvious to point out that after a day of purposefully showing kindness, the people around you feel better.

But here is the beauty of it all. How do you think you are feeling at the end of this day? Do you feel still feel angry, frustrated, hateful, etc.? Or do you actually feel encouraged, energized, inspired and hopeful yourself?

You get it, right? Kindness has rewards on both ends! Holding on to all the angst you feel and taking it out on others will NEVER make you happier. But making someone else’s day…that will always feel good.

In fact, this is proven by research. In a study published in the Journal of Social Psychology, people were asked to take a survey measuring how satisfied they were with life. Then they were divided into groups. One group was told to perform a daily act of kindness for 10 days, the other group was told nothing. After 10 days they filled out the satisfaction survey again. The group that practiced kindness had a significant boost in happiness. And this little experiment only lasted for 10 days!

Is it really that hard to choose kindness? Are you ready to give it a try?

Kindness is Not a New Idea

Obviously the idea of being kind is not new, but I feel like it gets forgotten along the way. We get too busy, and become too self-centered. We focus on our own stuff and neglect to take the time to pay attention to others.

Did you know that the Bible often talks about being kind? “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) and “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, “ (Colossians 3:12)

God is kind and He desires for His children to be an example of Him. God hates to see us hurting and wants to use His people on earth to spread love and joy by caring for others. He wants us to love others the way He loves us.

God is kind and He desires for His children to be an example of Him. @dawsonradio #choosekindness Click To Tweet

I’ll leave you with this final quote from Mother Teresa.

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”

What All Relationships Need to Survive

by Dawson McAllister

Trust and Security

After 25 years of taking countless phone calls on my radio show, I’ve heard thousands of stories about heartbreak due to relationship failures. What is so often lacking in all these relationships is a foundation of trust. And without trust people have no sense of security and can never rest secure in their relationship.

So let’s look at some key factors needed to build trust before a relationship even begins.

4 Ideas to Help Find Someone You Can Trust

So often I hear of people who are deep into relationships emotionally, physically, or even sexually, but still are not sure they can trust their partner. They don’t know if they can trust their BF/GF with their true feelings, or if they will be faithful, or even if they are who they appear to be. I remember an interview with Taylor Swift where she was asked about the most difficult thing she has learned about relationships. “It’s when you think you know someone,” she replied, “then later find out that is not at all who they were.”

Passion wrote:I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months and i found out he gave his number to another girl, I dont even see him the same as i used to, i look at him and wonder if everything is a lie.

LittleShorty wrote: He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me… But my problem is that he thinks i am cheating on him… but i am not cheating on him… What i wanna
know if he is cheating on me or not…

HARD TRUTH: No relationship is going to succeed or survive without a strong foundation of trust.

So, how do you arrive at trust? How do you know if you can trust your BF/GF? No simple answer to those questions, but here are a few ideas:

Start by simply avoiding relationships with people you already know are untrustworthy. That might quickly eliminate a few possibilities.
Look for someone who will talk to you about common interests, as well as personal stuff like like faith, values, and what you want to do with you lives. You can’t always go on what people say, but talking about those things gives you a momentary glimpses of what is really inside that person. What if they don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff? It’s not a deal breaker, but unwillingness to let you see inside makes you wonder what’s really in there.
Observe what they do and how they act under pressure. That’s when our real selves begin to show.
Set your standard high and look for a BF/GF who wants to know you, be with you, love you for who you are not for access to your body, not to hitch a ride on your popularity, and not for something he/she wants to turn you into. Before jumping in with both feet, be sure they Love you for who you are, just as you are, right now.

Insecurity is another big issue holding relationships back…have you ever worried your BF/GF was going to leave you?

How do I get past the thought that my BF/GF will leave me?

Fear of abandonment is very common, especially if you have finally met someone who you really like, or if have been abandoned in the past. It’s natural to want to hold onto things that mean the most to us. But still, we are never given permission to own or control another person.

This means other people are always free to do whatever they want, even if it means leaving the relationship. There’s a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life, and wanting to possess them. Many people don’t have enough belief or confidence in themselves to ever imagine being alone. This can cause a person to hold on too tightly. Loyalty is one thing–fear of being alone is another.

Most people do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is extremely insecure, negative and clingy.

To get past the fear of being left, you need to get to the place where being alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. This will take time, but it’s worth the effort. Spend some time trying to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy. What kinds of things make you feel really alive? As you get to know yourself, you will have more of your complete self to bring to a relationship.

It also helps to know that you will never truly be alone…even if your BF/GF leaves you. God promises us in the Bible that He will never abandoned us and will always love us because we belong to him…we are his children. If you believe this, you will find such confidence and comfort because you know you are never truly alone.

So if you are in a good relationship, thank God for everyday you have with your BF/GF. You have today, tomorrow will take care of itself. And God will always be there.

For more on how to heal emotionally and move forward after cheating in your relationship, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

The Stigma of Masculinity and Depression

by Dawson McAllister

I’m a Man

“I’m a man, so I’ve got to be _______________________. ”

(Fill in the blank)

What word came to mind?

Strong
Brave
Self-Sufficient
Powerful
In control

As a man, I know these are the types of words that pop into my head. This idea that we need to be a “man’s man” and all that.

But I know I’ve hit lows in my life where I didn’t feel so strong or brave. Where I thought I should be able to hold it together, but truthfully I needed help. Even admitting that is tough for me. Am I being too vulnerable? Will I be seen as weak? Our culture seems to send a message to men…don’t reveal too much…don’t “give in” to any discomfort you may be feeling.

I think it is very common for men to feel weak at times, but we try our best to hide it. Many men struggle with depression or anxiety…they don’t feel strong or like they can do it on their own any longer? I know this because I’ve talked to some of the bravest of these men…the ones that struggle with these things, but had enough courage to call me on my radio show to ask for help.

One young man faced this battle and finally decided to reach out to TheHopeLine for help. After he talked with a HopeCoach, he shared the following story.

Have you ever felt Ashamed?

This is Coy’s Story:

My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually, I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband, and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Every day at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.

I would dare say that these are feelings many men have…they want to provide for their families and when they are struggling to provide in the way they want to, they feel worthless, and yet they are too proud or scared to ask for help. However, reaching out for help made all the difference for Coy and saved his life. Read the rest of the story here: Coy’s Stor

The Tension Between Being Masculine and Depressed

The push and the pull between being masculine and depressed is a fight many guys engage in. Blogger, Charlie Scaturro, in his blog Masculinty, Anxiety and Depression. shares his battle. In it he says, “There’s something particularly emasculating about depression. About feeling like there’s no point in being alive and that everything is hopeless and ridiculous. If I were stronger, the narrative goes, I would be able to stop myself from feeling this way…

A real man isn’t supposed to get depressed. A real man is supposed to get angry.

A real man isn’t supposed to have anxiety and panic attacks. A real man is supposed to fight through anxiety and panic attacks and stop being such a you-know-what….

And this reality can lead to a desperate and harmful struggle to avoid whatever the opposite of power and strength and masculinity are. It can lead to denial and a refusal to get help or tell anyone about what’s going on because of the fear that it isn’t masculine.”

The push and the pull between being #masculine and #depressed is a fight many guys engage in. Click To Tweet

The Vicious Cycle

You’re a man.
You feel you’re supposed to be strong, courageous, self-sufficient, etc.
In reality, you are depressed and questioning your purpose? Struggling to get out of bed. Feeling debilitated.
You don’t tell anyone because you believe you are supposed to be strong enough to conquer this on your own and you don’t want others to see you as weak.
The depression causes you to have suicidal thoughts, but you don’t dare reach out for help.

Masculinity as a Possible Suicide Risk Factor

To begin with, here are some suicide statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

Men die by suicide 3.5x more often than women.
White males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in 2015.

A new study published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology on Masculinity and Suicide found that, “one characteristic of dominant masculinity—self-reliance—stood out as a risk factor for suicidal thinking.”

The study went on to say, “Men who are self-reliant may believe that they should be strong in the face of any adversity, consider that feeling down is a sign of weakness, and be unlikely to reach out to friends, family or professional sources for help.”

Men die by #suicide 3.5 times more than women. #Masculinity is a possible suicide risk factor. Click To Tweet

Coy’s Story: Suicidal and Ashamed

You’re a Man. You’re also human.

You are a man, but you are also a human made to experience all kinds of emotions. If you are struggling with life, feeling you don’t measure up, struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, worrying you are not financially stable enough…those are not things that make you weak they are emotions that make you human. It is possible to be both masculine and depressed. By acknowledging this and then finding the courage to share what you are feeling with another person is how you will find help and healing.

In our society, for the most part, men are emotionally isolated from other men. I don’t know of many platforms where men can be vulnerable with one another. But I think it would be a move in the right direction to start these conversations and create safe groups for men to talk. It can start with you being willing to share a struggle with a friend. You may discover they have felt the same way.

You're a man and also human made to experience all kinds of emotions. #masculinity #depression Click To Tweet

If you don’t have a friend you feel you can talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine Chat for help. Our HopeCoaches will never judge you. Rather they will encourage you and provide you with resources that can help. You do NOT have to do this alone. Sometimes the biggest sign of strength is having the courage to say you need help.

September 10, 2017 is World Suicide Prevention Day. is The website states: “As members of communities, it is our responsibility to look out for those who may be struggling, check in with them, and encourage them to tell their story in their own way and at their own pace. Offering a gentle word of support and listening in a non-judgemental way can make all the difference.”

In the News

Unfortunately, there have been a number of tragic suicides recently of rock stars and other famous men whose public persona appears strong and masculine. Yet behind this public image they must have struggled with some difficult private battles.

Thankfully, mainstream media is also working to spread the message of hope. The rapper, Logic, has a song titled, 1-800-273-8255 which is the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.

Here’s a verse from the song:

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’

I know you’re the reason I believe in life

What’s the day without a little night?

I’m just tryna shed a little light

It can be hard

It can be so hard

But you gotta live right now

You got everything to give right now.

Know Your Worth

You do have something to give to this world. I believe God created you for a purpose and that he has a plan for your life. Don’t give up on that too soon. Don’t quit before you find out what that purpose is and what joy may lie ahead. Come just as you are, flaws and all, and ask God to help you. He loves you so much! God says in the Bible, “The thief’s (satan’s) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich a nd satisfying life.”

If you have questions about this, please chat with a HopeCoach.

If you or a friend is struggling – What Now?

Remember that you are not alone in what you are feeling.
If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
Get help for yourself https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
Get help for someone else https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-someone-else/
If you are outside of the US, please visit info https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/ to find resources in your area.
Verses of Hope for those facing Depression
Verses of Hope for those struggling with Self-Worth
Verses of Hope for those thinking about Suicide

If you are having suicidal thoughts or if you know someone who is considering suicide, find out what to do in TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Suicide.

Why Do People Play Mind Games in Relationships?

by Dawson McAllister

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let’s include both sides here.

There could be a number of reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don’t even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

Here are a few reasons I’ve observed over the years and how to respond.

Reason #1 To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

sex
always having someone by their side
having someone adore them
a need to control someone
hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It’s very important for the person who’s playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly, and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they’ll quit not only messing with your head, but also with your heart. You don’t need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, “A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others.” Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone on what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know their playing. But just remember this: don’t simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a really great loving relationship, but I sure don’t want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

What’s another reason for mind games?

Reason #2 They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped. In another question, Brittany asked:Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?

Some people just want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool. All of this comes from a low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well that stinks…so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others.

I have one more reason for mind games…

Reason #3 Testing The Water

Other times people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder. Remember a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they also are very much afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward…

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship. This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have GREAT rewards or at the very least allow you to move on.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

I’m Just Not That Into You

by Dawson McAllister

Answers to Your Questions about the Opposite Sex

Let’s face it, understanding the opposite sex can be confusing. One minute he seems to like you and the next he’s just not that into you. She says she’s doing fine, but she sure doesn’t act like it. Do you have to read her mind? These are things YOU wanted to know. I will attempt to answer some of your questions about the opposite sex in this blog.

There was a movie about relationships (based on a popular book) called He’s Just Not That Into You. I didn’t see it, but the bottom line of the story is that men are not complicated. If he doesn’t ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to spend more time with you after a date, then “he’s just not that into you.” These might seem like simple words, but they can still be harsh for a woman to hear. However, the words can also be very freeing. She is then free to move on to another guy, and not waste her time with someone who’s not into her.

However, understanding these clear signs that a guy is not that into a girl, doesn’t even come close to clearing up all the confusion. In fact, it leads to even more questions.

How to Let a Girl Down Easy

The first question I’d like to address comes from a guy who asked to remain anonymous, and it completely relates to whether there is a better way to let a girl down then ignoring them.

He asked, How does a guy politely say he is not attracted to a girl? She may be nice, well grounded spiritually, and a great future wife, but when there is no physical attraction, how should that be communicated to the girl?

As we mentioned, most guys will just brush the girl off, and ignore her, neglecting any kind of future contact with her. This is a pretty sad treatment of women. So let’s decide to buck the system and treat women with respect and admiration. So how do you do it?

Here are a few pointers:

Keep it simple. Don’t make a big deal about it, you’ll only make her feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes the best way is to be as honest as possible. But instead of just dropping the bomb on her, you can tell her you’re flattered and you appreciate her kindness toward you. And then just say you’re not as attracted to her as you’d like to be toward someone you’d like to date.
If you want to be friends with her and nothing more intimate, tell her. But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t. Don’t lead her on.
If the girl hasn’t come right out and asked you if you’re attracted to her, there might not be any reason to confront the situation. Just be yourself and be kind to her, like you would be to anyone else.

Always remember to address a situation like this apart from other people. Don’t make a scene and embarrass the other person. Treat her like you’d like to be treated yourself. The fact you are concerned about addressing this in a polite and respectful way means you’re already off to great start.

How Can you Tell When a Guy Likes You?

Chrissie asked: Why do guys act weird around you when they like you?

It is true most guys act weird, or get nervous, around girls they like. Charlie agreed: Stammering and making jokes are common. Trust me, there are few guys who really have deep feelings for a girl that can approach the situation totally calm. But why do they do this?

Guys hate rejection. They hate to make themselves vulnerable to a girl, and then get shot down. This nervousness, or acting weird comes from this place of not knowing exactly how to balance their fear and their excitement, so the guy gets a bit wobbly and tongue-tied.

This is the reason guys will flirt with girls. They will drop hints here and there to see how the girl will react. This way, it’s easier to know what the girl is thinking when he sees how she responds to his flirting.

Here are some other signs he might like you:

When you talk with him about other people who you have dated or are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging or does he become quiet and distant? A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.
Does he seem to want to spend time only with you or is he okay doing things in groups? A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

Do I Have to Read His or Her Mind?

Robert asked, “I have found that girls tend not to speak their minds. Why is that? When you ask, How are you doing?’ they may say, I’m all right,’ when they’re feeling completely the opposite. Do I have to read her mind??”

I have heard that same question from both sexes. Everyone’s deepest desire is to be loved by someone who knows everything about us and still loves us! So it would stand to reason then that our biggest fear is that someone would know all about us and reject us. And so we go back and forth with someone we care about. At some moments we dare to show who we are. At other times we cover up what we think might not be met with approval.

The key here is good communication. If you are feeling frustrated by always having to guess how he/she is feeling, or exhausted by trying to read his/her mind, try gently asking them what they truly mean. In fact your effort to discover what they are honestly feeling might assure them of your desire to really know them.

It’s also important to express your commitment when they reveal vulnerable areas of their life. Tell them how much you care about them, and how you desire to understand them better. We all long to be listened to and understood. If you are confused by what they really mean, taking the time to ask for clarification instead of just walking away in a huff will show real love.

What do Guys Look for First?

Back to a common question girls ask about figuring out what guys are thinking. Miranda asked: What exactly do boys think about and look for when they FIRST meet you? I wonder all the time, and I try to read their faces – but what really goes on in their heads?

Honestly…most guys look first to see how attractive the girl is (remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder!), or if there is some kind of chemistry between them. This is the case nine times out of ten. Most guys are very visual and for whatever reason, quickly sum up the impression they have received from the girl in a matter of seconds.

After that, most guys try to figure out what kind of person you are. For example: Are you kind? Are you confident? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you shy? Arrogant? Can you carry on a good conversation? Do you have anything in common? Do you show any signs of being interested in them? Remember, most guys make quick observations about these things.

I’m guessing behind your question is an even more practical one: How do I get guys to notice me? The easy answer to that one is: By being attractive. But you have to realize being attractive doesn’t necessarily mean hot or gorgeous. It means being comfortable in your own skin, it means you take more of an interest in other people than in yourself, it means you make other people feel good around you.

If guys aren’t noticing you as much as you’d like, it could be you’re not portraying who you really are. More times than not, it is how you feel about yourself that determines how attractive you really are. Not every guy is going to think you’re the hottest, most beautiful woman in the world. Who cares! What matters is you are who you are, and that you’re becoming more loving every day. In the end, that will attract the kind of guy you need to be with anyway.

You might also enjoy some of my other blogs on Understanding the Opposite Sex

When Should a Guy Stop Pursuing a Girl

How to Know if A Girl Likes You

Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently than Men?

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

How To Manage College Stress

by Dawson McAllister

Are you overwhelmed with classes, a job, and a social life? Are you wondering how to manage college stress?

The college years are certainly a time in your life to look forward to….the freedom, dorm life, expanding your mind, constant contact with friends, social activities, studying what interests you most, etc. But let’s be honest, college is stressful. To have successful college years, it is important to learn ways to manage college stress.

Overwhelmed with classes, a job, and a social life? Managing stress is important. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Believe me, I get how hard it is. I get many calls from college students on my radio show about how “stressed-out” they are. College requires a lot of changes that affect many areas of our lives. Alyse called concerned about her relationship with her boyfriend which seemed to be changing with the mounting pressure of school:

The American College Health Association found in a 2015 study that more than 85 percent of college students said they “felt overwhelmed” by the demands of college. And a third of all students said stress had a negative effect on their overall academic performance.

With 85% of students feeling overwhelmed, you can almost count on stress being part of any college experience.

But why is it so stressful?

Top College Stressors

Away from home for the first time.
Need to make decisions on your own.
Time management is hard with a flexible but full schedule.
Choosing a major and deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life
Pressure to achieve good grades.
Financial stress. College is expensive and debt is mounting.
Balancing studying, class time, studying, relationships, studying, extra-curricular, studying, social life, etc.
Easier access to alcohol and drugs
Being frustrated and wanting instant gratification when it’s not available.

These stressors can weigh heavy on anyone, but sometimes students are more than just “stressed-out”.

This is important…

Recognizing whether your feelings are based on adjusting to life away from home or if you are experiencing an early sign of a mental health condition is crucial.

Mental Health Concerns in College

75% of all mental health conditions begin by age 24. So it is critical that college students are aware of common warning signs of a mental health condition that could suggest that perhaps you are more than just “stressed out”. These years are critical for understanding and talking about mental health. And it is nothing to be ashamed of.

75% of all #mentalhealth conditions begin by age 24. So awareness is critical for College students. Click To Tweet

1 in 5 youth and young adults experiences a mental health condition and 30% of college students reported feeling so down at some point during the previous year that they found it difficult to function.

Heather called my show because she overloaded her first year, fell into depression, and gave up on classes. Now she is doing better, but scared to go back to school.

So when is it time to go talk to your school counselor or confide in a parent or trusted friend?

10 Common Warning Signs of Mental Health Condition:

Feeling very sad or withdrawn for more than two weeks
Severe, out-of-control risk-taking behaviors
Sudden overwhelming fear for no reason
Not eating, throwing up or using laxatives to lose weight
Seeing, hearing or believing things that are not real
Repeatedly and excessively using drugs or alcohol
Drastic changes in mood, behavior, personality or sleeping habits
Extreme difficulty in concentrating or staying still
Intense worries or fears that get in the way of daily activities
Trying to harm oneself or planning to do so

It can be difficult to know whether what you are experiencing is an early sign of an emerging mental health condition or part of adjusting to college. Listen to your mind and body. If you are not feeling right and are having trouble shaking that feeling, then talk with someone who can help you sort things out. You might find it is common stress and you might discover it’s more. You don’t have to know the answer to this question before talking to someone.

I can’t emphasize this enough…

Mental health conditions are common among college students so don’t hesitate to let your parents know what you are feeling. They want to know. Don’t try to protect them or keep them from worrying. Communicating with them can help you get the help you need. And seek out your campus counselor. That is what they are there for.

College students talk to your parents or campus counselor about stress. @dawsonradio #mentalhealth Click To Tweet

So now for those stress-reducing tips…

10 Tools To Manage College Stress

Make a “To Do” List and cross things off – this will keep you organized and keep you from forgetting to do something as well as give you a feeling of accomplishment every time you cross something off.
Make time to exercise – walk, run, bike, lift weights…whatever you like. Your years in college you essentially have a free fitness membership. Take advantage of it. Physical activity helps burn off stress.
Get enough sleep – Sleep and college may sound counter-intuitive, but it’s crucial that your body rest. Without proper rest you won’t be able to focus as well, you will nod to sleep in class and might very well get run down and sick. All things that will add to your stress.
Participate in college activities – Make sure you make time for fun and to connect with other people. Join a club, play intramural sports, volunteer, attend a college event such as a concert, play or game. You can find all that your college has to offer on their website or attend an activities far. A balanced schedule includes things that allow you to take a break from studying, meet new people and have fun.
Quiet time with relaxing music – Sometimes it’s important to just breath and relax and music often helps.
Talk to others about what you are feeling – Sometimes it just feels good to vent to share your burden with someone you trust. You can also learn a lot from people who are experiencing the same things as you. How do they manage their stress? Are they also feeling overwhelmed? You will fast learn you are not necessarily alone.
Eat healthy – Good nutrition also helps keep your mind sharp and focused. Pay attention to what you are putting in your body.
Avoid alcohol and drugs – Substance abuse certainly does not help you stay strong and focused and can quickly lead down a destruction path.
Self-Care – Make sure to treat yourself as kindly as you treat others. Self-care is provided by you for Identify your own needs and meet them. This includes being aware of your mental health needs and recognizing if it is time to seek help.
Pray – Spend time in prayer with God…you can pray at all times. As you walk to class, as you sit in the library, as you work out, during your quiet time, etc. Share with God all that you are feeling, pray about the concerns you have and what is causing you to worry. Ask Him for the focus you need or the strength to go on. Nothing is too big or small to ask of God. Then as you pray trust that God will see you through and release your anxieties to Him. He loves you and he will help you. It says in the Bible “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

For more Bible verses for comfort when you are stressed – Verses of Hope

College is an exciting time in life and an important time to maintain self-care and find ways to manage stress.
You can do this! And you don’t have to do it alone.

Check out the College Guide from the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Recovery from Addiction

by Dawson McAllister

Recovery from Addiction is Possible

In my blog Life At the End of The Trail we talked about what happens to people when they do not break the chains of their addiction. We talked about where they would be 25 years later. Now I want to talk about what you can do to experience recovery from addiction.

If you want to break the addiction in your life or know someone who does, this blog’s for you. Unfortunately, there are many people who never come to this point, and as they say in Narcotics Anonymous, these are the people who end up in jails, institutions, or dead. But to the fortunate ones who say, “I really want help.” There is help. There is hope. While it won’t be easy, the chains can be broken.

So how does someone break the chains of addiction? That’s a good question. Books have been written on it, but let’s give it a shot. Who knows? It might just change your life.

Want to break the chains of #addiction? It won’t be easy, but there is hope and help. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Step One: Come out of denial

What is denial? Denial is all the false beliefs our addictions hide behind. Like a living thing, an addiction will fight to stay alive. Its first line of defense is to remain hidden, so it constructs powerful arguments for why we are not addicted. How many times have you or someone you know who has an addiction come up with crazy statements to pretend they don’t have an addiction? For example:

I can quit anytime I want.
I just use my addiction when I want to.
My addiction isn’t hurting anybody anyway.
Oh well, it’s too late.
I can’t change anyway.
I’ll quit someday, but I’m having too much fun now.

These and other statements prove the addict has not yet come out of denial and is not yet ready to start the long journey to freedom. Allie put it really well: You must admit you have an addiction and then have the will to change it. You must understand that it will not be easy.(Allie) When somebody who’s addicted says, “I can’t go on like this; I will do whatever it takes to be set free,” then you know there is hope for that person.

For example, I received this comment from Kitty: Dawson, I have been struggling with an eating disorder for several years. I’m anorexic. I know that if I don’t quit, in 25 years, I will be dead.(Kitty) It would appear Kitty has faced the cold reality of her addiction. She seems serious in her willingness to change.

Step Two: Admit You Are Powerless

Just about every program teaches that the addict must admit they are powerless over their addiction. This is a difficult thing to do because many addictions make a person feel powerful while on the high. It’s humbling to say, “I cannot help myself by myself; I am powerless over this monster called addiction.” For many, they have spent years with the false belief they have all the power. It’s a huge step to come forward and admit to another person, “I am powerless over my addiction. I need help.” But it is the only way to begin the recovery process.

It takes a lot of humility to break free. And there is that old enemy called shame, always there, ready to discourage someone from going forward.

Step Three: Turn to God

The most well-known and used program that helps people overcome addictions is the 12 Step Program. Five of the twelve steps deal directly with one’s relationship with God. Only God can empower an addict to make the changes necessary for freedom. I received a very moving story from a guy named Dan. Once you have read his story, you will see how important a relationship with God can be:

I was addicted to sex for 25 years, since the very earliest experience. At the end, I had truly come to the end of my trail. I didn’t feel human anymore and I thought I’d never be able to feel enjoyment or sense beauty ever again. I had the stink of death on me, and I would have been happy just to die in the dessert away from humans and have my bones bleach in the sun. All the years of trying to quit and relapsing again and again accomplished nothing. I thought I was headed to Hell.

I drove all the way across the country. Halfway through Texas, I asked God what I was doing out there, and at that moment, I saw a sign in the middle of nowhere. It read: Trust Jesus.Well, I’ve been doing that ever since, and He’s real and true. He’s freed me from sexual addiction. He’s showed me that the Bible contains all that we need to know. Jesus is the one who came, not to break us or put out our little flame of life, but to set us free. (Dan)

Very few people have left God out of their recovery attempts and been successful.

Even a tiny bit of #faith in God will start a person down the road to #recovery. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Conclusion

To the person who is serious about breaking free from their addiction, whether it’s cutting, gambling, drugs, eating disorders, etc., there is hope. People all around the world are overcoming their addictions one day at a time and staying clean. You can too.

For more information on how to overcome your addiction, download TheHopeLine’s eBook:

My Parents Don’t Approve Of Who I’m Dating

by Dawson McAllister

What If My Parents Don’t Approve Of My BF/GF?

Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.

This can make any dating relationship difficult and put strain on your home life.

When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn’t do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don’t want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.

Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. #relationshipprobs @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Just because you disagree doesn’t make your parents dumb.

Just because they are your parents and you don’t agree with them, that doesn’t make them dumb. Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don’t have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you’re blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective…they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences which could affect the rest of your life.

The fact of the matter is, most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents’ fears are well founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.

Carolyn commented that her response to her parents’ dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn’t be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn’t just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it’s a good idea to take their advice.

Tips to having a successful conversation with your parents.

The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don’t like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, “What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?” Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.

Sit down with your parents and calmly ask what it is they don’t like about your bf/gf. #datingadvice Click To Tweet

They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.

Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that’s a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.

What do parents expect?

Sometimes parents’ expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.

Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.

As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationships between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don’t forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.

Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever. #relationshipprobs Click To Tweet

Check out my blog,How you can know your bf/gf is cheating on you and download this free eBook from TheHopeLine® to learn more about healthy principles of dating.

TheHopeLine® Is Partnering With The Mighty

by Dawson McAllister

Suicide | The Mighty Partnership | TheHopeLine®, Dawson McAllister Network

We’re thrilled to announce a new partnership that will bring our resources in front of The Mighty’s wide-reaching readership. We will now have a home on The Mighty and appear on many stories on the site.

The Mighty is a story-based health community focused on improving the lives of people facing disease, disorder, mental illness and disability. More than half of Americans are facing serious health conditions or medical issues. They want more than information. They want to be inspired. The Mighty publishes real stories about real people facing real challenges.

Here are some examples of the kind of stories on The Mighty:

The Mighty’s goal is to publish stories that could change the path of someone’s day and improve the lives of people facing disease, disorder, and disability. The Mighty was started because they wanted something more than what was already out there. They wanted a place that deals with the emotional part of these struggles, the day-to-day challenges, the disappointments, the small wins and the milestones.

If you create an account on The Mighty, you can set up your own feed based on the topics you want to read about. And there are so many topics. They have an A-Z list of conditions to choose from. So if you are facing a disease, disability or disorder, even a rare condition or disease, it is probably covered so check out their extensive list.

The Opioid Epidemic

by Dawson McAllister

We Are Facing An Opioid Epidemic

If you listen to my radio show you know that I’m a pretty straight shooter. I call it like it is. Sometimes it can come across harshly, but I’m often dealing with life and death situations and I don’t have time to sugar coat things, especially when someone calls who is addicted to drugs. Lately, the majority of drug-related calls I receive are from people addicted to pain-killers otherwise know as opioids. I often straight up tell them they are going to die because it’s the hard truth and someone needs to tell them. We are facing an opioid epidemic and we need to wake up.

Just listen to this call from Daniel. He’s reaching a breaking point as he is now up to 30 pills a day!

We're facing an #OpioidEpidemic and we need to wake up! Dawson McAllister @dawsonradio #opioidcrisis Click To Tweet

Opioids are a group of drugs often used for treating pain. However, when they are abused, the statistics are alarming.

Here are the cold facts according to the Department of Health and Human Services:

More people died from drug overdoses in 2014 than in any year on record.
The majority of drug overdose deaths (more than six out of ten) involved an opioid.
In the last 15 years, the rate of overdose deaths involving opioids—including prescription opioid pain relievers and heroin—nearly quadrupled.
91 American’s die every day from an opioid overdose
The largest increase in overdose deaths from 2014 to 2015 was for those involving synthetic opioids (other than methadone), which rose from 5,544 deaths in 2014 to 9,580 deaths in 2015.

I’m not going to mince words in this blog either. You need to hear this. Prescription pain-relievers like Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Codeine, Hydrocodone, Methadone, Fentanyl are dangerous. They are nothing to experiment with. Taking your friends’ or parents’ prescription drugs is like playing with fire. These drugs can be highly addictive, and once hooked, it is extremely difficult to break the addiction.

Once addicted you often need a stronger dose to experience the same high and many users end up turning to illegal heroin. In fact, nearly 80 percent of Americans using heroin reported misusing prescription opioids prior to using heroin. And as the stats above indicate, abusing these drugs can kill you. So there’s my warning…DON’T DO IT. Just don’t go there. EVER.

Now – if you have been taking an opioid and you are wondering if you may be addicted here are some questions to ask yourself:

Has your use of opioids increased over time?
Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when you stop using?
Do you use more than you would like, or more than is prescribed?
Have you experienced negative consequences to your using?
Have you put off doing things because of your drug use?
Do you find yourself thinking obsessively about getting or using your drug?
Have you made unsuccessful attempts at cutting down your drug use?

If you answered yes to at least three of those questions, then you are addicted to opioids. (Reference:www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org)

To those reading this who are already hooked, let’s talk about how you can get help because there is help available and recovery is possible.

To those reading this who are already hooked, let’s talk about how you can get help. #opioidcrisis Click To Tweet

Once again, I’ll be honest, from all the personal stories I’ve heard and the research I’ve done, it’s going to be a hard journey, but YOU CAN DO IT with help. You cannot do it alone. You must tell someone.

In this call I took from Jackie, I had to get pretty blunt with her. She wanted me to tell her she was going to be o.k. and that she would get better, but she was still lying to her parents and trying to hide it. So I had to straight up tell her I didn’t think she was going to get better, unless she admitted to her parents that she had a problem. Take a listen.

Opioid addicts must seek treatment because breaking this type of addiction will take much more than just willpower. Opioid withdrawal is both physically painful and psychologically difficult.

To treat the physical withdrawal symptoms, there are medications that can help reduce the side-effects and increase the chances of success. I encourage you to look into these with a doctor.

Once you have detoxed and made it through the physical effects of breaking the addiction, it is important to seek counseling. 12-step programs such as those at Narcotics Anonymous have a proven track record of helping people on the road to recovery.

An opioid addiction re-wires your brain and the anxiety and obsession that occur when breaking free are as difficult to endure as the physical discomfort. Your brain has been taught to believe that you can’t be happy without the drug. This is why relapse often occurs. Stress is a common trigger as well as social situations that remind the user of the drug’s pleasure. The brains reward pathways need to be retrained. It will take some time for them to return to a normal functioning state, but it is possible and worth the struggle. It is important to surround yourself with strong people who will hold you accountable. You CAN stay clean

Bottom line. I care for you and want you healthy and alive. While the journey may be tough I fully believe that everything is possible with God’s help. So pray for strength and courage and a good support system. I encourage you to ask others to pray for you as well. We have a network of Prayer Champions on ThePrayerZone that are waiting to pray for you. If you put your trust in God, He will never leave you.

For more information on breaking addictions, download our free Understanding Substance Abuse eBook.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/breaking-an-addiction-to-painkillers-treatment-overvew#1

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/heroin

https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/epidemic/index.html

The Dawson McAllister Podcast

Podcast Launch

I have some very important news for you. After 26 years on broadcast radio, I have decided to move everything online. I am creating a new show, called The Dawson McAllister Podcast, which is available on my website, TheHopeLine.com.

Here’s a brief intro to my new podcast:

I am going to take a deep dive into a different topic each week; such as, love addiction, mother abandonment, depression, what to do when you hate yourself and more. I will choose some of the best calls from past shows. Then I will add new thoughts designed to help you understand your own struggles, and help you make good decisions going forward. I also want your questions, comments and opinions to be part of this show.

Now listen carefully because this is important — I will be sharing all the details on my Facebook page, and my Twitter and Instagram accounts. If you’ve liked my Facebook page or you follow me on twitter and Instagram, you will get all the info. If not, now is the time to connect, because I really want you to join me in this new adventure.

Dawson McAllister

10 Tips To End Loneliness

by Dawson McAllister

Loneliness is On the Rise

If you are feeling lonely, you are not alone. Kind of ironic, but true. The world is full of lonely people. In fact, loneliness is on the rise. Research shows that the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years. Today about 40% of Americans (60 million) report being lonely. In the 1980s, it was only 20%. (General Social Survey).

For some reason in this world full of people, we are struggling to find friends and make relationships that last.

Being lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. We need to have people we can confide in. We need people who will support us and people whom we can support in return. We are created to live in community.

Being #lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. Click To Tweet

If you are finding yourself struggling with feelings of loneliness, let me encourage you that this does not have to be a permanent issue, and there are things you can do to fight against it.

What is Situational Loneliness?

Seasons of mild loneliness are totally normal. There are situations in everyone’s life that leave us feeling lonely. These seasons can be caused by a number of situations.

A move to a new city
A loved one died
A change of school or job
A new social network with people that are very different than you…you don’t have a common bond of faith or culture or interests, etc
You have no romantic interest at the time

Situational loneliness is temporary, because situations change over time.

What is Chronic Loneliness?

Chronic loneliness on the other hand is a continual state of feeling lonely with no end in sight. You have a void of real emotional bonds with anyone that you can trust and confide in.

Let me warn you, it can be easy to wallow in a state of situational loneliness to the point that you let it turn into chronic loneliness. It is important to take steps to fight against the feelings of loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem for both mental and physical health reasons.

When you start to feel lonely you can also start to feel ashamed, and then you can start to think of yourself as a loser. If you allow yourself to believe that, you may become reluctant to meet new people and before you know it you are stuck in a lonely state.

Licensed psychologist, author and speaker, Guy Winch, PhD, says, “Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us think that those around us care much less than they actually do. It also makes us afraid to reach out because we don’t want to set ourselves up for rejection and heartache when our heart is already aching.”

Feeling lonely, what can you do?

To begin with let’s acknowledge that loneliness is a FEELING not a fact. You can have all kinds of people in your life and still FEEL lonely. So here are 10 tips to help you move past this feeling.

Take steps to fight against the feelings of #loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem. Click To Tweet

10 Tips To End Loneliness

1. Realize you are not unusual – As the statistics show, you are not alone in feeling lonely. 40% of people are just like you. This doesn’t make the feeling any easier, but it may help to know you are normal and not unusual.
2. Let loneliness remind you of the value of connecting with others. Don’t give up on the importance of connecting with others. Let this feeling motivate you to seek relationships.
3. Identify your loneliness thoughts. Write down some of the negative thoughts that you have when you are lonely. Do you think things like: “I will always be alone”, “If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.”, “I must be a loser, because I am alone.” “No one must like me. Something must be wrong with me.” If so, try to come up with rational responses to those thoughts:
  - Are you really always going to be alone or might you be interacting with people soon…at work, school, church, waiting in line, or participating in an activity. You are not on a deserted island.
  - Do you have to feel sad because you are alone? Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be sad.
  - Are you really a “loser” because you are alone? Everyone is alone at some time or another. Being alone is a situation — and situations change.
4. Use Alone Time Wisely – If you find yourself alone, you can choose to dwell in your loneliness or attempt to use your alone time to do a solo activity that you enjoy and become good at it. Maybe it’s reading, cooking, baking, golfing, fishing, etc.. Then use your new skill as a way to connect with others. Find a group with similar interests or use it as a conversation starter when you meet new people.
5. Get Off-Line – The internet can make us feel lonely because we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. Yet lonely people can exert so much energy to feel connected on-line that they don’t put forth effort to build off-line, fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the internet can get in the way when you are actually with someone in person, but you are both constantly on your phones. Meaningful conversation still won’t occur if you are both on-line.
6. Don’t miss positive social cues – Lonely people can be so wrapped up in their feelings of loneliness that they are less able to pick up on positive social cues, like others’ attention and or signals from others that they are willing to commit to a friendship. Without picking up on these cues, lonely people withdraw prematurely. Open your eyes and look for what others may be communicating to you.
7. Fight the emotional habit of loneliness – Realize you are dealing with an emotional habit and be willing to do the hard work of combating it. Invite someone out or initiate a conversation. It will be worth it. The emotion of loneliness can pass, depending on what you’re thinking and what you’re doing.
8. Focus on the needs and feelings of others. Shifting your focus from how bad you’ve got it to how you can bless others will go a long way in combating loneliness.
9. Develop realistic expectations – If you are expecting a new friend to call you constantly or spend time together daily, or share every detail of their life, you may be disappointed. Your friendship is not diminished if your time together is limited. People have busy lives and are balancing many relationships and work or school. Don’t give up on a relationship just because they aren’t able to give as much as you expect.
10. Remember you are never truly alone – it is important for us to know that we are never truly alone. God promises to never abandon us and to always be with us and strengthen and help us and uphold us. If you are facing a season of feeling isolated, turn to God. Learn to trust Him through prayer and reading the Bible. Welcome His presence into your life.

Remember you're never truly alone. #Godpromises to never abandon us and to always be with us. Click To Tweet

You can do this! Put yourself out there, make new friends or renew old friendships. You will be so happy you did!

For more information on loneliness including additional tips, causes, health risks, a loneliness quiz, and combating loneliness in marriage download our free eBook.

Why Alcohol Addiction Is A Big Problem

by Dawson McAllister

Alcohol is the most harmful drug, even worse than heroin and crack cocaine. -Dr. David Nutt

Does this statement shock you? It is the truth. Dr. David Nutt is a professor of neuropsychopharmacology at Imperial College London. He studies how drugs affect the mind. In this video interview he explains why alcohol is the number one drug problem in the U.K., even worse than heroin and crack cocaine.

Alcohol Is The Most Harmful Drug

Maybe you drink with your friends and tell yourself, “Well at least I don’t do drugs.” (Read about the Opioid Epidemic) That is a lie, because in fact alcohol is a drug. Or maybe you think to yourself, “There’s nothing wrong with drinking beer.” Beer is alcohol and alcohol is a drug. I want to share some facts with you about alcohol and alcohol addiction that will hopefully change your thinking about this toxic and dangerous drug.

Here are some facts you may not know about alcohol. I want you to see that alcohol addiction is a BIG problem:

Alcohol is the common term for ethanol or ethyl alcohol, a chemical substance found in gasoline and nail polish remover. (Who would pour gasoline down their throat?)
In Ireland there are almost twice as many deaths due to alcohol as due to all other drugs combined.
The National Survey on Drug Use and Health 58% of full-time college students ages 18–22 drank alcohol in the past month.
Drinking alcohol increases the risk of many different cancers, such as cancer of the mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, colon, and breast.
Alcohol use during the teenage years interferes with normal adolescent brain development.
One study found heavy-drinking adolescents who had been sober for 3 weeks still scored 10% lower than non-drinking peers on tests requiring verbal and nonverbal recall and skills needed for map reading, geometry, and science.
Alcohol is the fourth leading preventable cause of death in the United States.
According to the World Health Organization the use of alcohol results in 3.3 million deaths each year.
Youth who drink heavily have 23.6 times greater odds of intentionally injuring themselves by means such as self-cutting, attempted hanging, or self-poisoning as compared to youth who don’t drink heavily.

So if alcohol is such a dangerous drug WHY are so many people using it? Because alcohol is a profitable industry. Did you know that total alcoholic beverage sales in the United States alone was 219.52 billion U.S. dollars in 2015? And even the government benefits from taxes paid on the sales of alcohol.

Alcohol companies spend about $2 billion every year advertising in the United States to sell you lies, convincing you that alcohol will make you happy or beautiful or fun or relaxed. The people in the ads are always skinny, attractive, smiling, and surrounded by friends. They are trying to make it look appealing, safe, natural, and normal. And they start early turning you into a consumer. Look at this baby bottle shaped like a champagne flute.

The truth is that alcohol causes weight gain, makes your skin wrinkle prematurely, causes cancer, damages your brain, and more. Alcohol addiction is not pretty or happy or fun. I want you to know the truth about alcohol so you can have a reason to say no when someone tries to hand you a drink. If you have already ventured down that path and are struggling please download our free eBook below. Don’t fall for the lies.

References:
Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth
World Health Organization
National Survey on Drug Use and Health
Scientific Study: “Drug harms in the UK”
Facts from “Alcohol Action Ireland”

For more information on breaking addictions, download our free Understanding Substance Abuse eBook.

When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

by Dawson McAllister

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

One of life’s greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when your best friend is mad at you. Many a friend has spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong – if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you.

So what can you do when your best friend is mad at you?

Talk It Out with your Best Friend

When your best friend is mad at you, the first and most important thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it’s quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what’s wrong between you. Ask what he/she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it’s your job to listen. Really listen and don’t break in with your point of view. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict. Jennifer agreed: The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.

When your best friend is mad at you, the most important thing you can do is talk about it. #BFF Click To Tweet

Don’t Get Defensive

The worst thing you can do is get defensive when resolving a conflict with your best friend. Don’t quickly react to what your friend is saying. When you hear your friend telling you what he/she thinks you did wrong, it’s natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time enough for you to express how you feel as well. Don’t forget this is your time to listen. This is not a sign of agreeing, it is just a sign of listening!

9 Tips for Being a Great Friend

Ask What You Can Do

It may take a while for your friend to express everything he/she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they’re feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him/her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

The next thing you might want to ask is “What can I do to help mend the relationship?” Many times, your friend will have an idea of what they’d like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you’re willing to do what he/she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, your hurt friend may have a totally unrealistic solution to the problem. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, if she says, “I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again.” Don’t commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic, and unfair.

David said, Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground, or walk away. Most people don’t know when their expectations are unrealistic. You might find it helpful to say, “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking, but I could do this.” Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong

If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It’s easy to think just saying I’m sorry is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don’t mean them, or if you don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, I will forgive you before you assume all is well with your friend.

However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. He/she will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time this will prove to her you really are sorry.

If you're truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to #apologize. Click To Tweet

Give It Time

If your friend doesn’t want to talk about what is making him/her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be a good friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond. A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs but we’re still friends. Even the times she tried to pull away and we didn’t talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had.

Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you’re not sure they really care if you’re friends or not. It’s impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution. You can’t make anybody else do what they don’t want to do. You might want to read this blog I wrote on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it’s easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties. Do all you can to make peace. Remember, a good friend is priceless.

If you think your friend might be struggling with something beyond just your relationship, check out our eBook library for eBooks on all types of issues and every eBook has a section on how to help a friend who is struggling with that issue.

This guest blog: The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression is really helpful if one of your friends is struggling with depression.

Also, check out this other guest blog by my friend, JD, about choosing your friends. A lot of times, you do have a choice in whom you are close friends with so choose them wisely. Here’s JD’s blog: Choose Friends Wisely.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about understanding friendships in this eBook.

Photo Credit: Daiga Ellaby

Do You Need to Take a Digital Diet? 8 Questions to Ask Yourself

by Dawson McAllister

Digital Diet – The How and Why

Internet Addiction Disorder, Electronic Screen Syndrome, Digital Detoxes, Digital Diets, etc. Have you heard these terms? They are subjects that are currently generating a lot of discussion.

It’s an interesting conversation and one I’m glad is occurring.

As far as personal experience goes, yes, it is true, I don’t own a smart phone myself. I am still using the archaic mode of communication…the flip phone.

However, I hear from many people who struggle with screen addictions or social media addictions to the point that it is adversely affecting their lives. So I understand the challenge from the stories they share and I’ve done my research to offer the best help I can. Listen to my call with Melissa:

Chances are you probably don’t think you have a problem. Right? I mean all your friends are just as obsessed with their devices as you are. Everyone you know checks their Instagram feed constantly, keeps 50 Snap Chat streaks alive every day, watches YouTube and Netflix for hours on end. You are just like everyone else. That may be true or maybe you are fooling yourself.

Here’s the kicker…there isn’t necessarily a specific amount of time spent online which determines if you have a problem. It’s more about how the time you spend online impacts you and your life.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT anti-technology, anti-smart phone or anti-social media. Just because I don’t have a smart phone, doesn’t mean I don’t see how it could be beneficial. I also know that there are tremendous benefits and good uses for Social Media, etc. It just concerns me when any online-related, compulsive behavior begins to interfere with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, and one’s work environment.

So do you want to take a test to see if you have a Screen Addiction?

Here is the Internet Addiction Diagnostic Questionnaire developed by Dr. Kimberly Young. If you answer “yes” to 5 out of the 8 questions, it means you are addicted:

Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet (think about previous online activity or anticipate next online session)?
Do you feel the need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?
Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?
Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?
Do you stay online longer than originally intended?
Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?
Have you lied to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet?
Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

How’d you do? If after answering those questions you realize you may actually be addicted to the internet, perhaps you are now thinking “Well, what can I do about it? It’s not like I can just give up my phone.”

Don’t lose heart. You can break this addiction. And you don’t need to quit cold turkey to do it.

I took the #InternetAddiction Quiz and found out some things about myself. Take the quiz too! Click To Tweet

The Digital Diet

Think of a digital diet like a food diet. There comes a time when you just need to make healthier choices to get to a healthier place. A digital diet is about being mindful of what you are doing online and how much time you spend there. It’s about embracing the good it brings such as using it for work, school, and fun without over-consuming. It’s about moderating yourself. So what might a digital diet look like?

Try these 5 things:

Schedule No-Device times in your day. For example, always put your phone away at meal times. Or establish a boundary for yourself to not look at your device past 10pm. Or perhaps you get an hour of screen time after school and then you put it away for 2 hours. Figure out what works for you and then stick to it. It will be tempting to pick it up…but like a diet…you’ll need a little will-power and in the long run you will be happier.
Don’t charge your phone/devices in your room at night. Is it the first thing you look at in the morning and the last thing you look at before bed. Give your brain and eyes a rest. Plug your phone in somewhere else during the night to decrease the temptation. But you say, “It’s my alarm clock.” You know what? They do still make good old-fashioned alarm clocks for very little cost.
Avoid Push Notifications. If you have push notifications turned on for everything, your phone will never stop binging. Ask yourself if you really need to know every time someone updates their post or likes a picture or sends an e-mail? What push notifications could you turn off so that you are not inundated by bells and whistles? You can still find every new post and update when you choose to go look at them. You just don’t need to be interrupted every time one comes in.
Limit the number episodes or videos you watch. Do you find yourself binge watching a show on Netflix? Or going from one YouTube video to the next? Set a limit for yourself. (You do tell yourself you can’t eat the whole package of Oreo’s don’t you?) Tell yourself you will watch no more than 2 shows at a sitting.
Take a social media break. How often do you check your feeds or look at Snap Chat stories? Have you ever actually counted how many times you click on that little icon to see if there is anything new out there? I promise it wouldn’t kill you to take a break. Maybe for a week give up social media or at least one bit of your social media. See how much more time you have. You might even find you are less stressed when you don’t have to try to stay on top of every feed. And when you start using it again, don’t go back to where you left off and try to get all the way through. Trust me you will live without seeing what your acquaintance ate for supper.

Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems? Maybe it's time for a #DigitalDiet. Click To Tweet

If you are still resistant to taking a digital diet because you are thinking, “Well, really, what’s the big deal? I’m not really hurting myself or anyone else,” the truth is you could very likely be hurting yourself and your relationships with others.

Research shows that internet/screen addiction can damage your brain. Overstimulation can impair brain structure and function, especially when a person’s brain is not fully developed which doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. The effects of this are vast but here are some examples:

Irritability
Trouble sleeping
Poor concentration
Affects ability to develop empathy and compassion for others
Can cause cravings similar to drug cravings
Poor impulse control
Cause anxiety or stress in small things

Here are some additional pitfalls of a screen addiction:

Superficial Relationships – With a social media addiction your superficial on-line relationships can start to take the place of real personal relationships.
Become irresponsible – You can waste so much time staring at a screen that, without even realizing it, you were sucked in for hours. During this time perhaps you should have been studying, sleeping, doing tasks around your home. Perhaps it’s even affecting your career. If you feel the need to check your phone at work all the time to keep up on social media or read your push notifications, you will be less productive. Period.
Missing out – You can be so engaged in the on-line world that you ignore the life that is happening around you. Did your parent, sibling, spouse try to have a conversation with you, but you ignored them to stare at your phone? Did someone ask you to go out, but you declined?
Trapped Inside – You can forget that there is an outdoors with adventures awaiting because your screen has become too tempting and you just can’t leave it.
Boredom – You simply don’t know how to create any fun or excitement in your life anymore. You can’t think creatively and discover things to do. Unless you are looking at a screen, you find life to be boring.

Be mindful of the time you spend on your phone to avoid the pitfalls of #ScreenAddiction Click To Tweet

This doesn’t have to happen to you. Take the digital diet today!

Do you think screen addiction is a serious problem for people today? Have you struggled yourself? Are there additional tips you can pass along for people addicted to their phones? Please leave a comment below.

For many more tips, videos, and information about screen addictions, please download our free eBook today.

A Safe Place

by Dawson McAllister

Troubles at home? Have a plan.

If you have spent any time reading my blogs or listening to my radio show, I hope you know, beyond anything else, that I care deeply for teens and young adults. I have made it my life’s work to share the message that there is HOPE no matter what struggle you may be facing. I want you to know that your life matters, people do care and help is available.

Because we want to be sure that every teen and young adult gets the help they need, we partner with many other organizations. We know we can’t help every hurting teen and young adult on our own, but together we are stronger and we can reach more people.

One of the organizations we have partnered with is Safe Place They are a national program for young people who need immediate help and safety. I share their Text4Help information on my radio show. Take a listen.

If you or anyone you know ever needs to get out of an unsafe situation, you can text the word “SAFE” to 69866 and within seconds you will receive the address of the closest Safe Place.

Every year 1.6 to 2.8 million runaway or homeless youth live on the streets. TheHopeLine® and Safe Place simply want to give these teens a safe place to go.

In an unsafe situation? Text the word “SAFE” to 69866 to get the address of the closest #SafePlace. Click To Tweet

Here’s how Safe Place works:

Safe Place designates businesses and organizations within a community as Safe Place locations, making help readily available to youth across the country. Locations include: libraries, YMCA’s, fire stations, public buses, various businesses, and social service facilities. Safe Place locations are designated with this sign.

And remember you can always text SAFE and your current location to 69866 to find the location nearest you.

Step One – A young person enters a designated “Safe Place” and asks for help.

Step Two – The site employee finds a comfortable place for the youth to wait while they call the licensed Safe Place agency.

Step Three – Within 20-30 minutes or less, a qualified Safe Place volunteer or agency staff member will arrive to talk with the youth and, if necessary, provide transportation to the agency. Going to the agency is not required and is voluntary. The choice is yours.

Step Four – Once at the agency, counselors meet with the youth and provide support. Agency staff makes sure the youth and their families receive the help and professional services they need.

There are many difficult problems that teens face in their life that may cause them to seek a safe place such as: abuse, neglect, family troubles, dangerous dating situations, bullying, homelessness, drug abuse, etc.

If you find yourself in one of these situations, you have some crucial decisions to make. Unfortunately, many times to escape one bad situation you can end up in another by making dangerous or unwise decisions. That is why I promote Safe Place. They will help you navigate your next steps in a safe environment before you end up in a worse situation. You deserve a chance to work through your problems with the support of a caring adult.

Your safety is of utmost importance, but running away carries a whole set of issues on its own. Issues you need to think through. Ask yourself the following questions:

Do I have a place to stay?
What about school? Would I continue to get an education?
Am I going to be gone awhile or coming back in a few days?
What would I do for money? Shelter? Food? Transportation?
Who can I depend on if I leave home?
Do I have a safe, solid plan?
What is my plan B in case my first plan doesn’t work?
What have I done to make things better at home?
What can I do to make things better at home?
Who have I reached out to make things better at home?

You are not alone as you make these decisions. Stay safe and don’t hesitate to Text4Help or Chat with TheHopeLine®.

Remember – there is HOPE.

Check out the sites of our partner organizations:

Safe Place – http://nationalsafeplace.org/

National Runaway SafeLine – https://www.1800runaway.org/

Covenant House – https://www.covenanthouse.org/about-homeless-charity

Are You Listening to the the Lies About Your Weight?

by Dawson McAllister

Defeat the Lies About Your Weight with Positivity

One half of teenage girls and one-third of teen boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting or using laxatives. 40-60% of six to twelve year olds are concerned about their weight.

My friend, Molly Watkins, created this short video “Through the Eyes of the Hungry” to highlight the lies and misconstrued ideas people have about weight. Please watch.

What lies are you believing about beauty ? What is causing you fear about your weight?

Do you believe these lies?
• You’re weak
• You’re not pretty
• You’re fat
• Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
• You’re not enough

Don’t believe the lies about your weight

Let us redefine beauty and encourage true worth. That is when real change will occur and people will stop harming themselves by treating food as an enemy.
True beauty is a caring heart, a smile shared, a hand extended, eyes that really see and ears that really listen. Let’s encourage that kind of beauty and learn to love ourselves the way we are.

Part of loving yourself is filling your mind with positive statements about yourself. What you think in your mind will eventually become what you believe. Here are 25 positive statements you can pick from to repeat to yourself daily.

1. I love myself.
2. The world has a need for me.
3. I am unique. I can and I will do things to promote healing in my life.
4. I can handle this one step at a time.
5. The sun is shining; I am ready to take on another day.
6. My problem has a solution; I will work on a plan.
My problem has a solution. #positivity Click To Tweet
7. I am a survivor.
8. I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible ways.
9. I will inhale confidence and exhale doubt.
10. I may be one in 7 billion but I am also one in 7 billion!
11. I am smart.
12. I believe I can change the world (or at least my corner of it).
13. I am important.
14. Today, I will celebrate me.
15. I matter.
16. I can find peace through prayer and meditation.
17. I am strong.
18. My confidence is beautiful.

Confidence is beautiful! #positivity Click To Tweet

19. I am imperfect but I’m perfectly me.
20. My smile can make someone feel better.
21. I choose to focus on what I can control.
22. Everything will work out in the end.
23. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end.
24. I am happy with who I am.
25. Every day, in every way, I am becoming better and better.

See more at 101 Positive things to Say to Myself

Military Relationships- I Didn’t Sign Up for This!

by Dawson McAllister

Let’s Be Honest, Military Relationships Are Tough

Maybe when you first fell in love you did not know the military life would be in your future, but here you are anyway. Either you or your bf-gf is enlisted and it is really hard on your relationship right now. If you are looking for some specific ways to survive military deployment read this blog

Do you agree with Ashley that a military relationship can work?

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one, but if you love someone enough then it’s not hard to be faithful. Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military. It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

We get a lot of calls from people who are in a relationship with someone in the military, so I’ve asked Captain Mike Jones to join me on these next few blog posts. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was also the co-founder of “Not Alone,” which was founded to empower military families and give soldiers, veterans and those who love them a central resource for free, confidential information, support and access to healthcare professionals.” (“Not Alone” is now a part of “Centerstone Military Services“)

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Do You Feel Like You Are Living In Two Different Worlds?

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands for Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that’s just the A’s. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they’re not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds. Will they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

A Strong Foundation Will Become Stronger

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what’s really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it’s difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson: Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don’t know but what they do know the things they have suddenly come to realize. It’s not unusual for some to throw in the comment: I didn’t sign up for this!

Mike: I’ve heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier’s time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It’s not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal
whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, I didn’t sign up for this!

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

You Can Survive AND Thrive

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you’re right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could do their thing in the military, while the other continues to do their thing in the civilian world unaffected. So, yes, the solider and spouse need to sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do you see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike: There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about such as college tuition, seeing the world… that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kinds of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe being part of (another) family might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and they build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That’s what many are afraid of, heading off in different directions.

Mike: Yes, but is doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.
Additional resources for military relationships:
How To Survive Homecoming
The Dreaded Deployment
For more help, please visit our partner resource, Centerstone Military Services.

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it by downloading your free eBook.

Why Do You Hate Yourself?

by Dawson McAllister

Do You Wonder Why You Hate Yourself Even When Others Like You?

It’s so tragic to hear someone say I hate myself. But down deep, many people do. Do you hate yourself? It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. Some people, perhaps even you, are locked in their own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.

Can You Relate To Caroline?

Others may think you are just crying out for attention. But the feelings are very real. You are miserable because of how you feel about yourself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic. I believe you.

Caroline described her self-hatred like this: For a while I hated myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.

So why do people hate themselves?

We took a poll on my website, and asked what reasons you might have to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by I didn’t feel loved, and then I failed at a relationship. Each of these could be their own articles.

For now, let’s examine what I see to be some of the greatest causes of self-hate.

Blame Ourselves When Bad Things Happen

When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It’s easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love. When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.

When bad things happen, we blame ourselves. It's easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred. Click To Tweet

Sometimes self-hate is emotional exhaustion from the blame game. It’s important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you get some rest and forgive yourself for any mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.

Rejection or Abandonment

Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It’s normal. But it’s difficult. Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you.

But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.

Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. Click To Tweet

Tom wrote: I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. All the worst things came to mind, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I’d go crazy.

Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don’t let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden, like Tom did, will give you great joy. He’s right, it’s not worth going crazy over something you really can’t control.

Negative Self-Talk

Thinking poorly about yourself is is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won’t. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Lazy. Inadequate. It’s like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.

Mona wrote: I hate who I’ve become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I’ve come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.

So what can you do to feel better about yourself?

The Fight Against Self-Hate

The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God’s love for me.

I ask myself, “Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face? He’s the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason.” There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn’t that incredible? That person, YOU, is worth loving.

There's no one else in the whole world who's just like you or me. That person, YOU, is worth loving. Click To Tweet

Looking for some practical thought and advice? Check out our next post about no longer hating yourself!

How to Manage Your Anger

by Dawson McAllister

I have been talking about anger for the last couple of weeks and have received a huge response to it. That’s because all of us at one time or another comes up against anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion-it can take over your life if you let it. You don’t have to let it control you. Most people who feel angry just don’t have any idea how to deal with it.

McKaela commented: When I finally snap, I just scream and throw things around. It may sound childish but it’s my only way to vent without hurting the ones I love.

And sometimes we even turn to addictive substances to numb our intense feelings. Sara wrote: When I get angry I tend to lash out and drink at home.

Drizz wrote: I get angry at almost everything, to the point where I want to hurt someone badly (mainly the person that brought my anger out). In fact, anger is the only real emotion that I feel.

Drizz, McKaela and Sara have each come to the point where anger has become the controlling force in their lives. In the midst of rage, it’s hard to believe you have any choice in the matter.

This is how Monica feels. She said: I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don’t know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out, usually on a family member. I yell and hit. I try not to, I honestly do, but rage just beats the fact that I love them. So I lash out.

Related Posts:
What Is Anger?
What Is Forgiveness?

Lashing out might seem like the only option. The truth is you do have the option to not let anger take over. So what is a better way to deal with your anger? How can you stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out?

Try These 3 Practical Ways To Manage Your Anger

Identify what makes you angry and turn away, before the anger takes over. Kyle wrote: I know how easily I get angry and so I can usually tell when things are going to get too bad, so I usually just get out of the situation beforehand. Kyle’s on to something here. Here is aware of his own emotions and what triggers the intense anger. He is choosing to turn away before his anger hurts him and those around him.
Talk it out. Call up a friend and ask for help. Talk to someone you trust about these intense feelings of anger, what triggers it and what you can do about it. Talking things out with a friend who cares will really help. Anna wrote: When I’m angry it helps when I have a conversation with others and they tell me about their problems and issues, so it calms me down and lets me realize everyone makes mistakes and they too deal with anger everyday.
Do something productive. Don’t just sit around and think about how angry you feel. That usually makes matters worse. Change your environment. Come up with something productive you can do when you feel angry. Haley wrote: When I get mad I clean, sing, or write.

Here are some more great ideas for how to manage anger:

Logan wrote: The best thing in my opinion is working out – it’s a good way to channel your anger into something productive.

Kaley wrote: I go running, with really loud music.

Linda wrote: Riding my horse and caring for my horses keeps me centered and balanced. I am a much better person because of them.

Sarah wrote: I take a walk in the woods with my dogs and take pics with my cam – helps me every time.

Brenda wrote: I read, listen to music, and journal my feelings out, I trust God’s help to get me thru things and handle my emotions better.

Emily wrote: I breathe and count to five and use my words instead of my fists. Superior intelligence beats superior strength any day.

Kaitie wrote: I write music with lyrics on how I’m feeling at that moment. I also talk to friends or meditate.

Hanani wrote: First, I pray about it. Second, I dance. Being a dancer, that’s one of the ways I best express myself. Third, I don’t dwell on the issue. I do things to help myself calm down so that when I have to think about the issue, I don’t blow up anymore.

Cory wrote: I love to dance when I’m mad, or listen to music, and most the time when I am mad, I love to write about it, in poems or in a journal.

Dance, run, turn up the music, journal, or meditate. You can beat the anger and you will feel better, much better.

8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy

by Dawson McAllister

Dating Violence – 8 things that are NOT okay in Dating Relationships

Did you know that violence in teen dating affects 1 in 3 adolescents in the U.S.? This is NOT okay. It’s important to be aware of these 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship?

I ask myself – how can this be that one in three teens is being violated physically, sexually or emotionally in a dating relationship? I think there are a number of reasons why. Often the abuser in the relationship starts off being very smooth and charming and the other person is taken in by this. I describe this behavior in my call with Nicole. Take a listen:

Other times the abused partner suffers from low self-esteem and convinces themselves that they are in love.

However, I wonder if most of the time teens and young adults simply don’t know how to recognize abuse, and are willing to accept behaviors from their boyfriend/girlfriend that are NOT acceptable simply because they don’t know things can be different. Perhaps you have been there. It’s your first dating relationship…you’ve never really been “in love” before so you think your bf/gf’s behavior is normal or you’re willing to make excuses for them because you like being “in love” or you think you can change them. I understand how this can happen, so I want to help you recognize abuse before it’s too late. The truth of the matter is that people with abusive tendencies don’t change too quickly and you deserve SO much better and better is available.

I have talked to many teens who regret things they’ve done in relationships simply because they didn’t know any better.

Here are 8 behaviors that are NOT acceptable in a relationship.

Insulting you, putting you down, or hurting your feelings with their words.
Disrespecting your opinions or thoughts, making you feel dumb or worthless

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. #loveisrespect Click To Tweet

Isolating you from friends and family by controlling whom you are “allowed” to talk to and convincing you that your family and friends aren’t good for you.
Controlling you…telling you where you can go, whom you can see, and how you can spend your money, etc.
Overly jealous. Spying on you or checking in on you too much. Reading your texts or stalking your social media. Accusing you of cheating or flirting with others when you are not doing anything wrong. Listen to this call from Jared whose girlfriend helped him realize his overly jealous actions were abusive.

Blaming you for their abusive actions…making you feel like it is your fault they say mean things or are physically rough with you.
Physically rough. While you may know that hitting is not appropriate, neither is pushing, grabbing, pinching, hair pulling or any other physical touch that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared.
Forcing sexual activity of any sort. If you are not consenting to the sexual activity, it is abuse.

For a complete relationship spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive relationships check out this Relationships Spectrum from our friends at TheHotLine.org.

If you feel you might be in a dating relationship that is abusive or violent, but you just aren’t sure, feel free to leave a comment below or chat with one of our HopeCoaches on TheHopeLine®.

And remember there is always HOPE. You are not alone. You can escape abusive relationships and heal from them. There are people who will help you and God is on your side.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

8 Ways To Be A Great Mentor

by Dawson McAllister

Try These Tips to Be a Good Mentor

If you ask any successful person what helped them along their journey to success they will undoubtedly mention a person who took an interest in them early on and invested in their life. Someone they would call their mentor.

I have been strongly influenced by people who took an interest in me and my work with teenagers and young adults and helped guide and direct me and my ministry over many years. I believe God placed these mentors in my life to help shape who I am today. Likewise, I have tried to make a difference in the lives of the people who call my radio show by speaking truth to them, being a positive influence in their lives and connecting them with TheHopeLine and our partners.

Have you had a good mentor in your life? Are you in a season where you need to find a mentor to help give you direction? Could you be a good mentor for someone else?

Mentoring makes such a difference in the lives of others, that the United States designated the entire month of January as National Mentoring Month.

Here are some benefits a good mentor provides:

The assurance that there is someone out there who cares for them.
A consistent presence in their life that they don’t want to disappoint, so they try hard.
A person who can hold them accountable for achieving the goals they set.
A resource to bounce ideas off of and help process difficult situations.
A voice of truth and guidance to keep someone on the right path.
The encouragement that someone believes in them and has their back.

Quality mentoring relationships have powerful positive effects on people in their personal lives, in social situations, in their education and careers.

Mentoring has the power to change people in all aspects of their lives. #mentoring Click To Tweet

This short video shares an e-mail mentor success story:

I think this world could be an amazing place if we stopped being so focused on ourselves and started investing in the lives of others. So this blog is my way of encouraging you today to open your eyes to the people in your life who may benefit from your influence. You don’t need to go announce to them that you are going to be their mentor, but you can start showing an interest in their life, you can invite them out for coffee or a soda and just give them an opportunity to talk.

Start investing into the lives of others! #mentor #mentoring Click To Tweet

8 Tips For Being a Good Mentor:

(Many of these also apply to being a good friend as well.)

1. 1. BE TRUSTWORTHY. It is important that they fully believe you have their best interest at heart…that you genuinely care. Your motives cannot be selfish. If you are doing this to look like a hero or look like an expert, they will pick up on that. It needs to be about them so that they can trust you with the junk in their lives.
  2. BE SAFE. You want to be their safe place. A place they don’t fear judgement. A place they can share their fears, their mistakes, their vulnerabilities and you will not walk away. You won’t laugh at them. You are safe to confide in.
  3. BE CONSISTENT. Be a person they can count on. If you say you are going to meet at a certain time, be there. If you are going to attend an event, be there. They need to know they can count on you.
  4. BE TRANSPARENT. It’s O.K., even helpful, to let them know you struggle too. You will be more relatable. In fact, knowing you faced challenges, and succeeded despite them, might give them hope for themselves. Using personal stories and experiences is also often a good way to communicate and influence their way of thinking. People often relate to stories much more easily than straightforward advice. However, when sharing your story, you must remember that this is NOT about you. It is still about them.
  5. BE CURIOUS. This might be the most important quality on this list…much more important than offering good advice. Because if you aren’t curious about their life, if you aren’t willing to ask them lots of questions to discover what brought them to where they are today, why they view the world the way they do, and what it is like to walk in their shoes, then you have no right to offer advice. Additionally, learning to ask them questions rather than just throwing advice at them will help them “buy in” to a solution. They need to discover the solution on their own. Research shows that if someone offers you advice or simply shares an opinion with you, your brain tends to interpret that as a threat to your own ideas. On the flip side questions are embraced by the brain. Here are some questions to help get you started: What’s going well for you right now? What isn’t? What’s something you’re feeling frustrated about? Where are you feeling stuck? What’s something you’ve learned recently that you’re excited about? What would you like to be different in a month? In a year? Two years?

1. 1. BE PATIENT. A person will change when they decide to change. Don’t expect them to immediately make perfect decisions once you walk into their life. But stick with them, even when it’s frustrating. They might continue to make some bad decisions for a while but be patient and be a consistent presence in their life.
  2. BE A VOICE OF REASON. As you seek to guide them, much of your role will involve helping them process what the next right step to take is. You are a sounding board for them to bounce ideas off of and then a facilitator…asking them questions to help them come up with their own answers. If they ask for your opinion, say something like, “Sure, I’ll give you my opinion. But first I’d like to hear what you think about it.” Change and growth are hard work. But help them reason out what the alternative is. Is it better to stay in the same place with the same consequences? Or to do the hard work of moving forward to a better future?
  3. BE A CHEERLEADER. Celebrate their accomplishments. Build them up. Let them know you believe they can do whatever they put their mind to. Encouragement is the muscle that helps them take the first step toward change.

Be their safe place of no judgement. #mentor #mentoringIRL Click To Tweet

The benefits of mentoring both for the mentor and mentee are vast. If you are interested in making a last impact on someone’s life, become a mentor. There are many great organizations seeking volunteer mentors, to find an organization in your area check this out: http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/become-a-mentor/

If you are in a season of life where you could really benefit from having mentor you can sign up for an e-mail mentor through TheHopeLine here – https://www.thehopeline.com/email-mentor-signup/ or find a mentor in your community here http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/find-a-mentor/.

Have you benefited from a mentor? Give them a shout out in the comments below.

Have you mentored someone and found it impacted your own life? Tell us how. Do you have a friend or are you mentoring someone dealing with self-worth issues? Download our eBook for ways to understand and help them.

Feelings of Depression

by Dawson McAllister

Are you suffering from depression?

If you are struggling with depression, I want you to know, I hear your pain…I know it’s real…I know you can’t just snap out of it…or choose to be happy.

I get it…this depression…well it stinks, and it’s not anything you’ve asked for.

So today – I want to share all the ways in which I’ve heard depression described by people who are suffering. If you see yourself in these words, please know that you are not alone.

All satisfaction is gone ~ Void ~ Empty ~ Nothingness ~ Cloudy ~ Darkness hovering ~ Can’t find joy in anything ~ Simple tasks painful ~ No purpose in life ~ Alone ~ No self-esteem ~ Unable to find meaning in life ~ Not able to get out of bed ~ Wondering what’s the point ~ Wear a social mask, until you can’t anymore ~ Shutting everyone out ~ Fear you won’t ever be happy again

If you are struggling with #depression, I want you to know, I hear your pain, I know it’s real. Click To Tweet

Or maybe you can relate to these goals set by blogger, Courtney Bridgman, on The Mighty:

To be totally 100 percent honest, to just get out of bed in the morning would be really nice.
To make it through an entire day (12 hours!) without wanting to go back to bed and hide from the world would give me ahuge sense of accomplishment as well.
Start to tell myself I am not a failure or a waste of space in the world.
Answer my phone when my mom calls to see how I’m doing so she doesn’t worry too much and show up unexpectedly at my house to see if I am still alive.
Accept that this is my battle and not resist it so much that it makes my suffering worse.
Choose to love myself.

So why do I share all this? Because I want you to know that a lot of people understand your struggle. And the good news is that those who suffer from depression also describe how it feels to get to the other side. I’ve heard it described as leaving the winter season and moving into spring. So hold on because there is always the other side!

Someone said, “I’m so thankful that I held onto the faith that on the other side of the pain is something good.”

Try to remind yourself of that thought in the dark times.

On the other side of pain is something good. @DawsonRadio #depression Click To Tweet

Also remember depression is treatable! Sadly, many people do not recognize this and the symptoms of depression keep them from seeking treatment. If you do nothing else, please:

Talk to someone – a doctor, a trusted friend, a parent, a pastor. Share your feelings with someone.
Seek Treatment – Treatment might include anti-depressants or “talk therapy” or a combination of both.
Ask for prayer – Sometimes you may not even know how to pray for yourself anymore, so then let others cover you in prayer. It is easy to ask for prayer on ThePrayerZone.

As you seek treatment, here are some other things you should consider:

Try to be active and exercise. Go to a movie, a ballgame, or another event or activity that you once enjoyed.
Set realistic goals for yourself (maybe like the ones Courtney set above.)
Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can.
Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Do not expect to suddenly “snap out of” your depression. Often during treatment for depression, sleep and appetite will begin to improve before your depressed mood lifts.
Postpone important decisions, such as getting married or divorced or changing jobs, until you feel better. Discuss decisions with others who know you well and have a more objective view of your situation.
Continue to educate yourself about depression.

(Source: National Institute of Mental Health)

So we get it…we know it’s hard…and we want to be your listening ear if you need one. Please don’t hesitate to chat with TheHopeLine.

I also pray that you will continue to trust God and seek him even in the darkness because I promise you He is with you. God promises this in the Bible, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2 And, “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

For more verses of Hope: Verses for Hope When Struggling with Depression.

Did anything I suggested in this post help you or any other thoughts on dealing with depression? Let me know in the comments.

If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!

One Word for the New Year

by Dawson McAllister

Finding Focus with One Word

Here we sit at the start of another New Year. 365 blank days staring us in the face waiting to be written. What story will those 365 days tell at the end of this year?

That is kind of a daunting question to ask yourself. And yet most people do ask it. It is why we write resolutions and set goals. We desire the year before us to tell a GOOD story.

I have written blogs on how to motivate yourself to keep your resolutions and tips for keeping your resolutions. I believe there is real value in setting goals for the year.

But today I want to talk about a different idea to consider as you start a new year. I’ve heard it referred to as One Word for the New Year or One-Word Resolutions. Essentially – you pick one word that encompasses how you want to approach the New Year.

It's one word that encompasses how you want to approach the New Year. #oneword Click To Tweet

For example, maybe your word for the year is Discipline. This is your focus for the year. You are saying that you want to approach your work, your relationships, your spiritual life, etc. with discipline. You are committing to giving a full-effort to areas of your life this year and not just giving a laid back, half effort to the important things in your life. You want to be disciplined and stay on task.

On the flip side, maybe your word for the year is Relax. Perhaps you have had a number of stressful years in a row and this is not the year for you to be disciplined, but a year for you to give yourself a break. Your focus is one of finding balance and learning to relax.

What ever your word – it is something personal that you select based on this point in your life. It gives you a focus on how you approach all aspects of your life for this one year. It helps you determine the kind of person you want to become. Rachel Olsen, co-author of “My One Word: Change Your Life With Just One Word” says,

A word can’t be broken. It serves as a reminder; a filter. It’s who you want to be instead of what you regret.

For me, I like the word Grace. It is a good reminder on how to approach everyone in my life…from my family and co-workers to the teens and young adults that call my radio show to strangers that I meet. I want to show everyone grace. We all have “stuff” in our lives and the more grace I can extend each person letting them know that I understand life isn’t easy and I’ll love them anyway…the less uptight I will be from holding everyone to such a high standard and hopefully those around me will be blessed as well.

Grace is my word. Grace is a good reminder on how to approach everyone in my life. #grace Click To Tweet

So how do you go about selecting your word for the year?

Begin by taking some time to decide what kind of person you want to be. Then identify the characteristics of that person, and write them down. You might have a lot of words on your list now. Now pick JUST ONE WORD. Resist the temptation to pick more than one. With just one word, you can view all situations that come up over the next year through your WORD.

Don’t pick your word quickly or randomly. Think it over for a while. Pray about it and ask God to give you clear direction on your word for the year and then ask Him to help you stay focused.

To help inspire you here are some words to get you thinking:

Joy ~ Serve ~ Contentment ~ Connect ~ Detach ~ Purpose ~ Listen ~ Pray ~ Integrity ~ Still ~ Breath ~ Persevere ~ Advance ~ Care ~ Aware ~ Release ~ Forgive ~ Dare ~ Bold ~ Focus ~ Gratitude ~ Forgiveness ~ Hope ~ Intentional ~ Authentic

I hope you will give this a try. It’s not necessarily easy to stay focused on your word for an entire year, but hopefully you will see small successes in becoming the person you want to be and that God wants you to be.

Picking a word and doing something, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction and that one step could lead to the next step.

Don’t get discouraged if you lose focus from time to time. Any change you make with your One Word in mind is significant.

What do you think? Do you thinking picking a word for the year might help motivate you? Do you have a word that you want to strive for this year? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. Maybe you will inspire someone else.

If you are facing challenges in your life, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook library, with eBooks on Dating, Self-Worth, Depression, and much more!

How to Understand Someone in Grief

by Dawson McAllister

Do You Know Someone Struggling With Grief?

GRIEF. It is one of those emotions that we wish we could avoid, but we will all, undoubtedly, experience grief at some point in our life.

Since the experience of loss and grief is universal and will impact most everyone during their lifetime, I wanted to write about it today. I want to encourage anyone who is grieving that whatever you are feeling after a loss is O.K., you are not alone and you will get through this.

If you have lost someone, I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to let your emotions go. Please don’t bottle them up. I have heard it said like this, “It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain.” These gut-wrenching, sometimes suffocating feelings you may be facing are signs that a deep connection has been severed. It is going to be painful. But the grieving is necessary.

It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. #grief Click To Tweet

Taylor called my radio show a couple years after her mom died. She is dealing with many mixed emotions because she didn’t actually know her mom that well, but she still misses her. Taylor shares how some days she stays in bed and cries all day, but she knows she can’t let her grief control her life.

Perhaps you have read about the 5 stages of grief before, but I want to share them with you again. Each stage is important as they allow the human emotional immune system to resolve the loss. However, the stages of grief aren’t always clear cut and there is no set time limit for each step. They simply act as a framework for healing. Do you find yourself in one of these stages?

Stage One: Denial, Numbness, and Shock

The initial shock serves to protect the person from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness and shock are normal in this stage and shouldn’t be confused with “lack of caring”.
Denial or numbness can last anywhere from a minute to months, depending on the individual. As the person slowly begins to acknowledge the impact of the loss, disbelief will diminish.

Stage Two: Anger

Anger is a necessary part of the grieving process. In this stage, one may feel helpless, abandoned or powerless as a result of the loss.
Feelings of anger can act as a temporary structure to frame the loss and begin processing it. A grieving individual may also be angry at God, the person lost or in life in general.

Stage Three: Bargaining

The bargaining stage often involves persistent thoughts about what could’ve been done to prevent the loss or ways there could have been a different outcome.
If not properly resolved, the intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.

Stage Four: Depression

Depression sets in after the true extent of the loss becomes reality. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation and self-pity often accompany this stage of grief. After a major loss, those dealing with depression tend to withdraw from life and be in a fog of intense sadness.
Common physical symptoms of grief or depression may appear, including sleep or appetite disruption, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Over time, the grieving person may be able to come to terms with their emotions and accept that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the person’s set of life experiences.
This stage is where one accepts that life is forever changed and must readjust to the new reality. This doesn’t mean forgetting the loss but rather rebuilding and beginning to reinvest in hobbies, friendships, new connections, etc.

It is important to know that enjoying life again does not mean that you no longer miss the person you lost. You are not somehow betraying them by moving on. Your grief has simply run its course.

However, it is also not wrong to keep their memory alive with a special object or planned occasion. Sometimes externalizing your loss in such a way can aid with your healing, especially during the holidays, when the hole left by the person you lost is felt more acutely again. Here are some ideas of what you could do:

Light a candle for your loved one.
A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
Share a favorite story about your loved one.
Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.

Perhaps as you are reading this blog you are thinking of a friend who has experienced great loss and you are not sure how to help them. You may even be avoiding the situation because you are afraid it will be awkward or that you will say the wrong thing. Let me assure you that the most important thing you can do is to just be there for them. There are no magic words to say to take away their pain. Your presence is enough. In an effort to make you more comfortable in these situations here are two lists…one is of things that are helpful to say, the other is of things to avoid saying.

The best things to say to someone in grief and what to avoid saying. #grief #holidays Click To Tweet

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Say nothing, just be with the person

What to avoid saying to Someone in Grief:

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
(Source: www.Grief.com)

Wyatt called into Dawson McAllister Live! seeking advice for how to help his best friend. A year has passed since his friend’s mom died and Wyatt has stood by his side, but now his friend is starting to act out. I let Wyatt know that after a year of “being there” for his friend, he has earned the right to speak the truth to him.

As you walk this journey through grief know that God is near. Even if you are confused and feel alone, God will never abandon you. He says in the Bible “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He also tells us to “Cast all our cares on him.” Keep praying and ask others to pray for you as well and God will give you a peace that passes understanding.

You can also request prayer here at ThePrayerZone.

God Bless!

Get your free guide to help you understand and cope with the stages of grief:

5 Ways You Can Move Forward After A Broken Heart

by Dawson McAllister

Hope For Your Broken Heart

Some people tell me that after their heart has been broken, they can’t eat, they can’t sleep, and their grades start dropping. It’s not an easy journey to move from a broken heart to healing, but it is possible, and it is necessary. You will need to take some hard steps of putting the hurt behind you so you can get on with the rest of your life. I hate to see you suffer, so here are a few tips for moving forward after a broken heart.

5 Ways To Move Ahead

1. Let go of mementos. If you’ve been dating someone a while, you no doubt have collected items that remind you of the one who left you behind. When you were still dating that person, these mementos meant the world to you and had a powerful impact on your emotions. But now, these same mementos only work to break your heart.

These include things like pictures, rings, pillows, music, clothes, etc. Hanging on to reminders of the relationship will get in the way of moving on. Get rid of them. This can be hard to do because there is something very final about throwing them away. You are finally admitting to yourself, “It’s over. It’s truly over.” This is an important step to take.

2. Keep yourself busy by giving to others. When you were dating, you spent hours and hours with your special someone who has broken your heart. Now you have all this time on your hands. People who get over broken hearts find ways to fill that time with something positive. For example, you might want to get to know your friends again. Hanging out with them will help remind you of the good old days before your ex. Or you can get involved in helping organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or volunteer somewhere else. Filling your time with positive activities will both help distract you and help you feel good again.

3. Take care of yourself physically. It is very difficult to overcome a broken heart when you don’t feel good physically. Not feeling well only adds to your depression. When people have their hearts broken, people either tend to quit eating or begin overeating. Sometimes they try to self-medicate through drugs or alcohol. None of this works and usually makes matters far worse.

When we eat right, we have more energy, more endurance, and less mood swings. Getting good exercise actually triggers chemicals in our brain helping to lift our mood. Have a friend to encourage you to exercise and eat right. Soon you will be feeling better, even if you’re not sure why.

4. Realize it’s mostly about you, not your ex. Any event in our lives is just that an event. The issue comes down to how we interpret that event. Two people going through the same type break-up can interpret it and respond to it very differently. So in the end, it comes down to whether you are going to allow this break-up to make you stronger, or stay a victim. It’s no longer about the ex and how horrible they were or what they did. At some point it becomes mostly about you and whether or not you decide to move on.

5. Move on. Finally, that moment comes. Sometimes it creeps up on you. Other times, it’s like a light bulb goes on in your heart and you say to yourself, “It’s time for me to move on. I’m not going to die. The sun will come up tomorrow and I feel myself learning to live without the other person. In fact, I can go a whole day without thinking of him/her.” When that happens, it’s an awesome thing. There’s nothing quite like the realization you have decided to move on.
Take Back Your Life. #moveon Click To Tweet

You have weathered the storm, made steps to be strong, learned a lot of lessons, and avoided a lot of pitfalls
Go forward…there’s a big world out there waiting for you.

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more insight on how to get over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

15 Ways To Get Over A Broken Heart

by Dawson McAllister

15 Practical Steps To Help You Get Over A Broken Heart

I want to blog on a subject almost every one of us at one time or another will have to face, and that is how to deal with a broken heart. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, the number one topic people want to talk about is how to get over a heart break with their boyfriend/girlfriend or how to win back their bf/gf.

If you haven’t had a broken heart yet, you will someday. Maybe you will be able to go through the dating relationships until you find the right one without getting hurt. But in the end, someday someone might break your heart. Maybe one of your children or someone else in your family. If you have the capacity to love, and I’m sure you do, then you also have the capacity to be hurt.
Broken Heart. Endless Tears. Hope for Tomorrow. #nevergiveup Click To Tweet
Specifically let’s talk about a broken heart caused by a bf/gf. So what causes a broken heart?

Your Heart is Broken When…

You find out your bf/gf is cheating on you with your best friend.
That sick feeling you feel when your bf/gf becomes more and more distant and you know something is wrong.
That frustration and hurt you feel when the fights with your bf/gf become more frequent and more destructive.
The lightning bolt shock that takes your breath away when the person you love tells you they don’t want to date you anymore.
The humiliating feeling that comes over you when you hear the one you love say, “Let’s just be friends.”

But the question remains, what can you do to fix or mend a broken heart? While it’s hard to define what a broken heart is, everyone knows what it feels like when they have one. This blog series could end up being one of the most meaningful series you have ever read. I hope so because I don’t want you to suffer anymore pain than you absolutely have to.

If you follow the advice I will be giving you, I’m convinced you will heal much quicker. Let me prepare you for this series. I’m going to list for you the Top 15 things you can do to help heal a broken heart and next week explain what each one means.

15 Ways To Get Over A Broken Heart

2. Talk to someone who cares.

3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.

4. Immediately take your broken heart to God.

5. Give yourself time to heal.

6. Learn lessons from the experience.

7. Be careful…don’t date destructive people to begin with.

8. Don’t overreact and embarrass yourself.

9. Don’t overanalyze.

10. Don’t go into rebound dating.

11. Let go of mementos.

12. Keep yourself busy by giving to others.

13. Take Care of yourself physically.

14. It’s mostly about you, not your ex.

15. Move on

Broken hearts CAN heal. #brokenheart #nevergiveup Click To Tweet
I’m going to break this list down into manageable sections so we can dive deeper into each of these 15 points. I want to look at the healing process, moving forward, & things to avoid.

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more on how to get over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Stop the Heartbreak – 4 Things to Avoid

by Dawson McAllister

4 Ways to Avoid Heartbreak

Nobody gets into a relationship intending to get hurt. However, it seems like to have a relationship at all, especially a dating relationship, puts you at risk of being hurt or rejected by a person you care about very much. Anything worthwhile has its risks. I agree with the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Not to love is to make our lives empty, cold, and in deep need. That being said, it still hurts a lot when someone you love rejects you. Let’s face it, we are imperfect people who have relationships with other flawed humans. Hurt and unmet dreams are inevitable.

However, what DOESN’T have to happen once your heart has been broken is for you to heap more heartbreak on top of it. There are some common mistakes people make that add further insult to injury, so to speak.

Here are four things to avoid:

1. Don’t date destructive people. Some people want to experience love again so badly they end up getting involved with all the wrong people. I talk a lot about this on my blogs about love addiction. These people have no real idea who the person is they think they are in love with.

Some relationships are simply not worth the drama. You can save yourself a lot of pain if you commit to only dating people who are stable and have their act together. Relationships are challenging enough. Why shed needless tears by getting involved with dysfunctional people.

2. Don’t overreact and embarrass yourself. When someone you love rejects you, it’s easy to overreact. The pain and confusion from a break up can cause you to do just about anything to get your bf/gf back or perhaps to get revenge on your ex by causing them pain. So be sure to think twice before:

Posting anything to social media. Once it’s out there the world will see…even if you later delete it. A day later you might wonder “What was I thinking?” The fact is, you weren’t thinking. You were reacting.
Behaving obsessively, such as driving by your ex’s house 100 times or calling your ex over and over again. These kinds of reactions will just make your self-esteem sink lower. Hold your head high and go on with life.

Embarrassing yourself only makes the pain worse and slows down the healing process.

Kate realizes her desperation isn’t helping, but doesn’t know what else to do, “I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn’t that long a time, but I completely gave myself to him. I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn’t love me and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can’t live without him and my heart is genuinely broken.” (Kate)

3. Don’t over analyze. Some people (and this may be you) are big time dwellers. They spend hours analyzing every last detail about the relationship. Over analysis of a broken relationship only leads to confusion, depression, and massive waste of time.

These people always end up getting confused and coming to the wrong conclusion because they cannot look at the situation in a balanced way. They end up either worshiping their ex or hating them for what has happened. Once you’ve thought through what went wrong with the relationship and what was good about it, let it go or you will cause yourself unnecessary drama and heartache.

4. Don’t go into rebound dating. While it is important to move on and be around other people, beware of rebound dating. Rebound dating is when you jump into a new relationship without getting to know the person in the hopes that this new relationship will heal your broken heart. Unfortunately, rebound dating usually results in another break up and more heart-break.

Rebound dating also causes you to compare the new person with your last love. Comparing others never works. You likely have a distorted view of your last love. No one will meet those standards.

Try dating just for fun or hanging out just to get to know people better. . “I get all depressed over something that was totally a waste of time and tears. Then, I go right back to guys to try to solve the problem and it starts all over again.”(CJ) CJ is a rebounder. Try not to fall into that trap.

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more insight on getting over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

3 Steps to Escape an Abusive Relationship

She sits at her computer looking back over her shoulder, frightened he’s going to walk in the room and discover she is searching for a shelter.

She’s curled up on the couch wondering if he is going to come home in one of his “moods.” Will today be a good day or should she be ready to lock herself in the bathroom?

Her heart sinks as she gets her 20th text this hour questioning her whereabouts, telling her she should be home, accusing her of being with another guy. She does everything to assure him she is just shopping with her mom, but he wants her home. NOW.

The above scenarios are reality for many people who are in abusive relationships. I hear these kind of stories all the time on my radio show. Here’s a radio clip from when Jessica called in to seek help for her terrifying situation:

On a daily basis approximately 71,000 victims receive services for domestic violence in America from either emergency shelters, transitional housing, child advocacy groups, legal advocacy and counseling. (Source: National Network to End Domestic Violence)

It is not O.K. that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in their lifetimes. So let’s talk about it.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, first and foremost, know that you are NOT alone, that this is NOT your fault, and help IS available. I want to start by pointing out some definite warning signs, provide a few safety tips and offer encouragement.

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in lifetime. #DomesticViolence Click To Tweet

Let’s begin by talking about some RED FLAGS! If you are just beginning a relationship with someone and something seems a little off, it probably is. If you are beginning to wonder if you are getting into an abusive relationship, here are some warning signs:

• Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
• Early in the relationship flatters you constantly, and seems “too good to be true.”
• Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
• Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.
• Does not honor your boundaries.
• Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
• Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.
• Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.
• Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.
• Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
(www.nnedv.org)

If you have experienced any of this, please know you are not to blame. You didn’t know what you were getting into, and once you are in the relationship it can be hard to see what’s going on. If you are starting to get concerned, it is time for you reach out for help….but how?

Your safety and support are so critical. Here are 3 important steps to escape an abusive relationship:

1. Get support. As mentioned above, abusers will often try to isolate their partner, so you may not have a good support system anymore and you may be concerned that no one will understand. But I promise you there is support. Please confide in someone and if you don’t think you have anyone to talk to, please chat with TheHopeLine®. We will listen to you and help your find resources in your area to help you get to safety. You are not alone.

2. Make a Safety Plan.
a. Have an escape route in mind to get out of the house quickly if your partner becomes violent. If you have kids, tell them the plan.
b. You might want to alert your neighbors that if they hear yelling coming from your house that you would like them to call the police. It might not be a comfortable conversation, but it could save your life.
c. Pack a bag with essentials and store it at a friend or family member’s house in case you ever need to leave suddenly. This could include clothes, medicines, important documents (birth certificates, social security cards, etc.), money, etc.
d. Speaking of money…if possible, open a bank account or hide money so you can be financially independent for a while.

3. Internet Safety. Since abusers are most often controlling and suspicious, chances are they are monitoring your on-line activities. It doesn’t take much expertise for them to be able to track what you are doing on-line – so be careful and follow these tips.
a. Avoid making any sudden changes in your internet use. For example, don’t go in and delete your entire internet history if that is not something you typically would do. That could raise their suspicions. In fact, continue normal internet activities on your computer/phone like shopping or checking the weather or news.
b. You can delete certain items from your browsing history, but with just a little digging or spyware, those could still be discovered. The best practice would be to use a safer computer (a friends or the library, etc.) to look for shelters, a new job, a new place to live, bus tickets, etc.

Now if you have taken the courageous step to get out of the abusive relationship, I know your fears are not necessarily over. You may still feel very unsafe. This was certainly the case for Stacey when she called my show. In the following clip, Stacey shares her fears after her ex found her via social media. I then opened it up to have other radio listeners give Stacey advice. Lisa called in with some awesome tips that she used to protect herself from her own abusive partner.

4 key points Lisa makes for keeping yourself “hidden” from your abuser are:

Get a PO Box in a neighboring town or county.
Change your e-mail address
Get rid of social media (You don’t know who your abuser may be using to dig up information.)
Ask your cell phone provider to set your number to always come up as a blocked number when you call anyone.

I also received many comments on my Facebook page from people who had good advice for Stacey. Here is some of their GREAT advice:

Sarah Jane talked about Social Media Protection – “Block him. Block anybody that knows him, talks to him, or even are friends with him on Facebook. Turn everything to private. And completely STOP accepting friend requests even if they seem like completely normal people sending you a request. It’s probably him. Or somebody who knows him and he’s sent them your way to “watch” you. Call me paranoid, but I’ve been down that road before. He will go to all lengths just to make sure he’s giving you hell or at least staying up to date with your life. It’ll forever have you watching over your shoulder, and to this very day I still do.”

An even safer route would be to take Chris’ advice, “Bite the bullet, take a social media break for a while. Shift your focus, and bury yourself in prayer.”

Laura talked about the importance of keeping a record of each interaction the abuser has with you, “Document EVERY SINGLE ENCOUNTER no matter how big or small. Do your best to block him but if he breaks through write it down and keep it all together. Do not engage him.”

There is a lot of important information in this blog for you to consider. Remember you don’t have to do this on your own. Support is available.

Finally, I want to encourage you to pray continually, asking God to protect you and provide for you, and ask others to pray for you as well. If you don’t know who to ask for prayer, please post a request on ThePrayerZone. There are people waiting to pray for you.

God promises His protection when we call out to Him. I shared three verses from the Bible with Stacey to bring her comfort. Please listen to the clip below…these promises are for you as well.

“You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.”
(Psalm 32:7)

To Survivors of Suicide Loss

by Dawson McAllister

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide, is very different than losing a loved one in any other way. There are feelings and emotions that will be unique to this journey that you are on. And, undoubtedly, this will be something that will stay with you forever.

I am writing this blog to all survivors of suicide loss to simply encourage you that you are not alone.

I am here to tell you that you are not supposed to grieve according to any timeframe or in any prescribed way. You are not supposed to just “get over it.” In fact, it is important that at some point you accept and understand that your life has been forever changed because of this loss and that you may now always view things through a different lens.

However, I want to encourage you that you will find your way again. I have heard it described this way:

You will never be the same again, you will never get over it, but you will have a life again, you will wake up in the morning and feel good. You will start to make plans for the future. At some point, life will feel normal again; not the old normal, the new normal.

So while everyone grieves in their own way, there are some common feelings that are unique to people who have lost someone to suicide. They include:

A sense of unreality, numbness, nightmares and intrusive thoughts.
Feelings of guilt and failure that you were not able to prevent it.
An unrelenting need to ask why, to try and make sense of and understand why it happened.
Feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Anger towards the person you lost, as they are also the murderer of the person you loved.
A sense of shame and stigma, that other people will think negatively about you and your family. Sometimes this can result in feeling alone and wanting to withdraw from others.

This comment on my blog Why do people End their Life by Suicide captures the confusion that many people who have lost someone to suicide face.

My nephew hung himself in April… I just keep asking myself why why why? He didn’t even leave a note. Sometimes I feel angry- why did he leave us?! How could he think that no one cared? If he would’ve called and said he was hurting and needed someone to be there he would have! His death (only age 19) has had such an effect on the whole family… so many tears and heartache. I just keep wondering why and will never know…Snitty

Suicide produces many painful and confusing emotions in survivors, one of which is frustration at being so violently cut off from the victim with no chance to help them, talk with them, or even say goodbye. This frustration can often lead to anger toward yourself, others, or even the victim.

Frustration can also lead to guilt which can be defined as anger turned inward. Can we talk about the enemy of GUILT for a minute?

Jeffrey Jackson wrote A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide. In it he says, “Guilt is your worst enemy, because it is a false accusation. You are not responsible for your loved one’s suicide in any way, shape, or form. Write it down. Say it to yourself over and over again, (even when it feels false). Tattoo it onto your brain. Because it’s the truth. Why do suicide survivors tend to blame themselves? Psychiatrists theorize that human nature subconsciously resists so strongly the idea that we cannot control all the events of our lives that we would rather fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it. Simply put, we don’t like admitting to ourselves that we’re only human, so we blame ourselves instead.”

The hard truth is that the only person responsible for any suicide is the victim. Yet, we don’t want to blame our loved one for their own death, so we blame ourselves. Perhaps it would be helpful to stop thinking in terms of “blame.” Blame brings up connotations of judging the person, and we don’t want to judge them because we still love them and deep down we know that they must have had a lot going on in their head that pushed them to the point of taking their own life. It might be better to think in terms of accepting the fact that they were responsible for their own death. We don’t need to judge or blame, but we can learn to accept it was their responsibility.

Niki left a comment that shows a depth of understanding of where her brother must have been mentally when he died by suicide.

My brother committed suicide 3 weeks ago today. He was a very private person and couldn’t easily open up. My heart breaks because I knew he was stressed. I reached out to him on many occasions, but he wouldn’t admit the depth of his despair. Then on the night of Easter Monday he hung himself. I so wish it was different, but he must have been in too much pain for too long. What an immense loss to us his family, his girlfriend, his young children and his friends

Recently, I took a call on my radio show from Rachel whose friend had died by suicide. She and her friends were all struggling. To hear some of my advice to her, please listen.

As you move forward in your life after losing someone to suicide, here are some suggestions to help you along:

Know you can survive; you may not think so, but you can.
Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but that all your feelings are normal.
Find a good listener with whom to share.
Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
Give yourself permission to get professional help.
Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.
Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
Consider joining a support group such as a Survivors of Suicide group.
Call out to God and lean on your faith to help you through.

For more suggestions, here is a list from suicidolgy.org.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

For more information on suicide, checkout TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Suicide.

5 Life-Changing Steps for the Cheater:

by Dawson McAllister

So you messed up. You cheated. Now what?

Well there are a lot of directions you could go from here. For example, you could wallow in your own guilt and shame, or, the opposite, you could blame everyone else for your actions. You could give up on the relationship and run or you could attempt to restore what’s been broken.

There are many scenarios…some better than others, so here are some things to consider as you look to the future.

5 Ways to Approach the person you cheated on and your relationship:

You don’t have to assume the relationship is over. If you decide to immediately run from the relationship, you are avoiding taking any responsibility. It’s really a cop out. Maybe the relationship won’t last, but it very well could. And it might even end up stronger on the other side, if you are BOTH willing to work at it.
Acknowledge you messed up and seek forgiveness. You have created a problem in the relationship. You have broken trust and caused another person to perhaps feel unloved or not good enough. Sure, there may be deeper problems between you and your partner, but the fact remains your infidelity was a betrayal of your commitment.
End all communication with the person you cheated with. This probably goes without saying, but if you want any chance of restoring your relationship, you need to cut ALL ties with the person you cheated with. This will demonstrate to your partner that you are serious about saving your relationship and committed to them alone.
Give your partner time to heal. Realize that you have wounded them deeply and it will take time for them to forgive you and learn to trust you again. Don’t insinuate that they should “be over it” by now.
Answer their questions honestly. As you work to gain their trust back it is important to be absolutely transparent and willing to talk about what happened. Try to view what happened through their eyes and what you might want to know and how you might feel if the tables were turned.

Don’t let this mistake define you. Click To Tweet

Whether the relationship survives or not, let’s consider how you, personally, can move forward. You don’t want to go through this again. You want to heal from the past and have meaningful relationships in the future.

5 Life-changing Steps for the Cheater:

1. Figure out why you did it. There could be many reasons – it could be because of something missing in your relationship, or something missing within yourself. It could be the situation you allowed yourself to be in. Regardless, no one is to blame for the fact that you gave in to the temptation of cheating except for you. It is important to figure out what is at the root of your behavior so you can keep it from happening again.
2. Don’t let this mistake define you. It’s commonly said, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” However, this doesn’t have to be true. If you decide you want to change, you can, especially if you seek God’s help. He wants to help you conquer the temptations you face in life. There is a great song by 10th Avenue North that says “You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.” I love this line because you don’t need to continually label yourself as a “cheater,” you are so much more.
3. Accept you can’t go back in time. To obsess over wanting a “do-over”, isn’t going to change anything. At some point you need to accept what’s done is done. Now it is time to learn from it and move forward. Wallowing in regret does not make you a pleasant person to be around and it keeps you from investing in the lives of others because you are too focused on yourself.
  You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. #forgiveness Click To Tweet
4. Forgive yourself. No one is better at beating yourself up than you. It is good to realize how much you hurt another person, and feel deeply sorry about it, but at some point you need to forgive yourself. It is not healthy to hate yourself or think you need to continually suffer for what you did. Forgiveness is giving up your desire to make someone pay for what they did. When you forgive yourself you are saying, I know what I did was wrong, but I will stop punishing myself for it, so that I can move forward and be a better person.
5. Accept God’s forgiveness. Confess your sin to God and then accept his forgiveness. Did you sin? Sure. Was it bad and did it hurt others? Sure. Does that mean God can’t or won’t forgive you? Absolutely not. God is longing to forgive you. For you to keep dwelling on your sin and believing it’s too much for God to forgive is insulting to God. It’s like you are saying to God, “I know you sent your son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that he could pay for the burden of my sin and I can be forgiven, but that’s not enough for me. My sin is too big for that.” God says it is enough! Believe that! Rest assured that he has removed your sins from you as far as the east is from the west.

If you are struggling from cheating in a relationship, read more about where to go from here in TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Cheating.

Owning Love Addiction

by Dawson McAllister

Do I own my love addiction?

Click here for the definition of love addiction. Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.

Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.

Some of the signs of love addiction are:

finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

Mariah said, “I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don’t care. I am terrified of being alone.” She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).

So what can we do to break this love addiction that’s not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.

To break love addiction we must own it.
What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.

To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there’s no denial, cover up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.

Amy said, “I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that’s when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions.” When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.

3 Things that are not easy to admit when you have love addiction.

No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty.
None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.
No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.
No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs.It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren’t true and will never happen.

I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.

Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying PLUS How Liars Get Caught

by Dawson McAllister

In my blog How to Stop Lying I listed eight things you can do to help break the bad habit of lying.

But I don’t just want to give you tips on how to stop lying. I want to motivate you by giving you two very important reasons WHY you should stop.

Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying

First of all, NOBODY wants to be friends with a liar because liars can’t be trusted and they hurt other people with their lies…often in order to protect themselves. If you desire any REAL relationships in your life, you need to be trustworthy.

Second, liars will eventually get caught, and deservedly so. Lying is a destructive force and it will catch up to you.

In fact, I want to use the rest of this blog to help protect people from liars. Below is a list of a number of signals to watch for if you think someone may be lying. It’s not going to be completely possible to know every time someone lies, but there are definite signs that should send up a red flag.
Liars eventually get caught. Click To Tweet
Ericka told me about some of the pain caused by the lying of her ex-husband: I have two young children (3 & 1) and just left their father because he was addicted to gambling. I always thought that cheating would be the worst, but I soon discovered that along with gambling came lie after lie. Our relationship was never going to improve without trust.

Discovering his lying earlier could possibly have saved Ericka and her children some needless pain. Would that be possible? I believe it is possible by figuring out how to know if someone is lying.

Lying is a stressful behavior, and it causes people to act differently when they lie.

We’ve all seen people take lie detector tests on TV or in the movies. It is an effective instrument, not because it can tell right from wrong, but because it can reveal when a person’s body is reacting in a stressful manner. Because lying is so wrong, it can cause stressful behavior, showing signs we can detect through body language.

It is important to learn to read body language. How does a person act in normal circumstances? Notice normal eye, hand and body movements, and facial expressions during regular conversation. Then you will better notice when the body language changes…showing the stress of lying.

One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking into their eyes. Most people who are lying have a difficult time holding eye contact with the person they’re lying to. Jenna agrees: It is hard to tell when people are lying to you. But in my case I found that when someone is lying they don’t give you eye contact.

8 More Signs Someone May Be Lying to You:

How to Catch a Liar

A lying person may become tense and freeze up while telling the lie. Others may move their body way more than normal.
A lying person may appear uncomfortable fast eye blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing hard, fidgeting, etc.
A lying person may look up and to the right.
A lying person may touch their nose, or cover up their face or mouth.
A lying person may often raise the pitch or speed of their voice.
A lying person may present a wide-eyed, innocent look.
A lying person may create noticeable pauses in the conversation as they are trying to come up with something to say that fits the lie they are creating.
A lying person often tells a different version of their original lie the second time around.

You’re not always going to be able to discover if a person is lying to you, but usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is.
Usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is. Click To Tweet
My desire is to help both those who lie and those who have been lied to. I care for you equally. So it is my hope that if you are in the habit of lying you will stop and think twice. Know that your lies will ruin friendships and you will eventually get caught. And if you believe you are being lied to, trust your gut and confront the person you believe is being dishonest. It will be best for both of you in the long run.

For more on how to deal with a liar or how to stop lying, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

The Value of Living an Honest Life

by Dawson McAllister

The deeper we have gone into the subject of lying, the more we see how much pain and stress it causes everyone involved. Sadly, all of us have been affected by lying, whether our own or someone else’s. I’ve been encouraged by those who have been helped by these blogs and want to live an honest life.

Honesty Brings Peace
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You’re always running through the lies you’ve told in your head, trying to keep track of what you’ve told to which person, and what’s the next lie you need to tell. When you’re honest, you don’t have those worries, or the negative consequences of your lies. Sarah added:When you’re honest, you don’t feel so lost all the time.

Honesty builds trust. Click To Tweet

Roiselyn commented: I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life. The fact you don’t have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on for lying puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it’s hard, telling the truth always has the better outcome than a bunch of lies.

People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can’t. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn’t. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. As you begin to live lie-free, you will begin to see people will trust and respect you more and more.

If you resist the temptation to lie, you increase your capacity to build lasting relationships of trust. This is true in all our relationships whether it’s dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: The truth always comes around. It’s always best to be honest it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy.

Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying.

Honesty Builds Integrity

If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk. Click To Tweet

Integrity is a word few use, and less understand. Yet if you have it, it is priceless. If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk…you do what you say you’re going to do, and when you say something, people know you mean what you say. It means you can be trusted. The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy…saying one thing and doing another.

Someone commented about the value of being honest: I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it’s easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay. This person has come to realize the pain of hypocrisy and the joy of integrity. When we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger everyday.

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you’re up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment, too.