Physical Abuse

8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy

by Dawson McAllister

Dating Violence – 8 things that are NOT okay in Dating Relationships

Did you know that violence in teen dating affects 1 in 3 adolescents in the U.S.? This is NOT okay. It’s important to be aware of these 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship?

I ask myself – how can this be that one in three teens is being violated physically, sexually or emotionally in a dating relationship? I think there are a number of reasons why. Often the abuser in the relationship starts off being very smooth and charming and the other person is taken in by this. I describe this behavior in my call with Nicole. Take a listen:

Other times the abused partner suffers from low self-esteem and convinces themselves that they are in love.

However, I wonder if most of the time teens and young adults simply don’t know how to recognize abuse, and are willing to accept behaviors from their boyfriend/girlfriend that are NOT acceptable simply because they don’t know things can be different. Perhaps you have been there. It’s your first dating relationship…you’ve never really been “in love” before so you think your bf/gf’s behavior is normal or you’re willing to make excuses for them because you like being “in love” or you think you can change them. I understand how this can happen, so I want to help you recognize abuse before it’s too late. The truth of the matter is that people with abusive tendencies don’t change too quickly and you deserve SO much better and better is available.

I have talked to many teens who regret things they’ve done in relationships simply because they didn’t know any better.

Here are 8 behaviors that are NOT acceptable in a relationship.

Insulting you, putting you down, or hurting your feelings with their words.
Disrespecting your opinions or thoughts, making you feel dumb or worthless

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. #loveisrespect Click To Tweet

Isolating you from friends and family by controlling whom you are “allowed” to talk to and convincing you that your family and friends aren’t good for you.
Controlling you…telling you where you can go, whom you can see, and how you can spend your money, etc.
Overly jealous. Spying on you or checking in on you too much. Reading your texts or stalking your social media. Accusing you of cheating or flirting with others when you are not doing anything wrong. Listen to this call from Jared whose girlfriend helped him realize his overly jealous actions were abusive.

Blaming you for their abusive actions…making you feel like it is your fault they say mean things or are physically rough with you.
Physically rough. While you may know that hitting is not appropriate, neither is pushing, grabbing, pinching, hair pulling or any other physical touch that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared.
Forcing sexual activity of any sort. If you are not consenting to the sexual activity, it is abuse.

For a complete relationship spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive relationships check out this Relationships Spectrum from our friends at TheHotLine.org.

If you feel you might be in a dating relationship that is abusive or violent, but you just aren’t sure, feel free to leave a comment below or chat with one of our HopeCoaches on TheHopeLine®.

And remember there is always HOPE. You are not alone. You can escape abusive relationships and heal from them. There are people who will help you and God is on your side.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

Abusive Dating Relationships – Fix or Flee?

by Dawson McAllister

Abuse is not Love.

FACT: 1 in 3 teens know a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. That adds up to over 2 million women 25 and younger who are being abused by their boyfriends. One female abused by her boyfriend is too many. Two million is a tragedy.

But why? Why does this happen? Why are there so many young women who allow themselves to be abused? I asked you to help me by sending in your comments. What you had to say helped me understand so much better why this tragedy happens. So let’s get on with it.

1 in 3 teens know a friend who has been physically hurt by their partner. #teendatingviolence Click To Tweet

Many abused girls stay in an abusive relationship because their abuser is often charming, persuasive, and manipulative. It’s not like an abusive guy walks around with a big Atattooed on his forehead saying, Hey everybody. Look at me. I’m an abuser.No. He looks just like anybody else, and often has a very charming way about him. That is why so many people cannot believe he’s abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, everything seems so wonderful. The romance goes into a whirlwind, full of excitement and attention and gifts at unexpected times. Mr. Charming talks much about love and quickly tells his new girlfriend she is the one for him and he is truly in love with her. Usually, the girl has never met someone so amazing. But what she does not understand is right beneath the veneer of charm and charisma is an angry, controlling, cruel, troubled young man who is about to put her through hell. Sooner or later, his true colors show through. Little by little he turns on her. First in little ways: The put-downs, the jealousy, the controlling of her every move. While this relationship may still be exciting to her, it soon escalates into something ugly, degrading, and heartbreaking. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, not even from Mr. Charming. It took Bekka quite a while to figure all this out:

I was with an emotionally and mentally abusive guy for about a year. I stayed with him because he was a smooth talker and very manipulative. I didn’t see it then until the very end. Now I see everything clearly.

Behind every abused teenage girl is the debilitating condition of low self-esteem. Almost every girl who is being abused is basically set up psychologically for it to happen. She often feels so low and unwanted that as long as some guy says he loves her, she will put up with almost anything. She is convinced she does not deserve and will never get a guy any better than the one who is treating her so poorly. Sarah has been there

Girls go after abusive and uncaring guys because they don’t think that they deserve any better and/or that they could get any better. Any kind of attention is better than no attention. That’s what I thought anyway. A slap across the face from time to time was better than drowning in a room all alone. A few harsh words from a guy who sometimes did love me could be brushed off…when compared to the mouthful of obscenities that would flow from the mouth of my Father.

If you are being abused by your boyfriend, you are suffering from low self-esteem. Your troubled boyfriend wants you to stay that way. But do you really want to stay stuck in that cruel, emotional mud? If not, ask yourself, What must I do to respect myself enough to get away from him?
Most teenage girls who are abused by their boyfriend think it’s normal, all just part of their lives. No one deserves to be put down, shoved, hit, controlled, or pressured to have sex. Everyone deserves love and respect as God’s children. The only problem is most girls who allow their boyfriends to abuse them don’t know that. Because of their dysfunctional family, what is abnormal to everyone else is perfectly normal to them. Jessica nailed it when she wrote,

My last relationship was abusive. I gave in because it was what I grew up with. My mother’s boyfriend beat her while I was growing up, they were constantly arguing. Then she started hitting me and calling me names. I grew up thinking that was what a relationship was.

Is it any wonder why so many abused girls get caught up in sabotaging healthy dating relationships. Let’s suppose for a moment a girl who is being hurt by her cruel boyfriend breaks up with him. She then starts dating someone who is kind, loving, and stable. Often, it doesn’t take long for her to break off the relationship. Why? A stable relationship is just so foreign to her. There’s not enough drama or an adrenaline rush with her new boyfriend. So often she will go back to another hurtful guy. Deb explains this powerful trap so well:

The abusive man and his behaviors is what they have come to know as normal. Therefore when a normal and nice guy comes along, bells and warning signs go off inside them. Something is not right with this guy. They can become untrusting, because they do not know what his motives may be. Many times the abusive father says directly or indirectly that nice caring men are wimps. What girl could feel safe with a wimp? Yes safe. Abused girls feel safe with these abusers, believe it or not. The reverse would hold true for a girl who was bought up in a healthy home. Bells and [warning signs] would go off in her head and soul if she went out with an abusive guy, and she would be very distrusting of him
It is easy for the abused girl to think she is in love with her abuser, when in fact she’s not. What is so loving about being slapped, shoved, cursed, raped, and humiliated? That’s not love. No matter what her feelings say, she is not in love, she just feels she is. When you are lost or have a low self esteem, your view of love is distorted. (Tiffany) Why would she feel like she’s in love, even when she’s being abused? Well, in her heart, at least she’s not alone. She has a guy and he pays her attention, even as cruel as he may be. She is trying very hard in this ugly dating drama to help him and rescue him and that makes her feel better about herself. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, so she’s always on edge, obsessing over what he might do. She thinks it’s exciting he is suffocatingly jealous of her. She simply does not understand in her warped way of feeling that what she is experiencing is not love. True love shows kindness, respect, understanding, and wants to protect the partner from as much hurt as possible. Sadly, many abused girls don’t get it. They truly feel they are in love. How sad.

When you are lost or have a low self esteem, your view of love is distorted. #teendatingviolence Click To Tweet

Conclusion

There are many other reasons why girls are abused by their boyfriends. But hopefully this blog will help you get started in understanding why. If you are in an abusive relationship, I beg you to get out of it now. Take some time away from guys. Get to know yourself. Spend time with God. Heal up. And vow never to date an abusive guy again. You’re so much better than that.
Your friend,
Dawson McAllister

Has your abusive dating relationship left you feeling worthless and all alone? Download our eBook for ways to build up your self-worth and love yourself.

Hope for the Abused

by Dawson McAllister

If you have experienced abuse in your life, whether it be physical, sexual, emotional/verbal, and neglect/abandonment, I want you to know that you can heal, you can move forward and there is hope. In this blog I want to talk about specific ways to deal with the abuse you may have experienced.

If you have been abused, you may feel your heart and soul have been put in a cage, and you feel like you will never be normal again. The truth is, there is always reason to believe you will begin to heal and learn how to live a healthy life again.

Always believe you can heal from #abuse and learn to live a healthy life. Click To Tweet

Here are some things you can do to move on after abuse

Find someone to talk to about what’s going on. I say this a lot, but it’s so important I can’t say it enough. Try your best to explain what is happening to someone you trust, like a pastor, a counselor at school, a doctor, a therapist, or perhaps even your best friend. Celeste commented to me on how she’s survived her abusive home life: The most important thing you can do is let out your feelings, before you explode and do something irrational like commit suicide or cut, which I did a lot of. If you keep the hate inside, it only multiplies by 10 and leads to disaster.
Take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from serious abuse. It’s vitally important for me to mention that if you are living in an abusive situation, get out! It’s not enough just to run away from these destructive authority figures. You must choose to run to a safe place or a person who can protect, counsel and help you. Our partner at National Safe Place can help you find a safe place near you.
Let go of any guilt feelings. It’s not your fault you have been abused. And it’s never OK for someone to abuse you. You should never blame yourself, or bog yourself down with unnecessary guilt. Some victims of sexual abuse actually feel guilty about experiencing pleasure during what happened. This is a normal physical reaction. It doesn’t make the abuse right or acceptable. If you wish you hadn’t done some of the things you’ve done in the past, you need to forgive yourself. Don’t get stuck feeling guilty and miserable for past mistakes that you didn’t choose or that were forced upon you.
Think positively about yourself and your life. While your abuser may have physical control over you, he/she does not have to control your emotions. You still have the ability to be in charge of how you feel about yourself. Begin to put positive thoughts into your mind about yourself. Flush out the lies you’ve been told and replace them with the truth. For example, you might want to repeat to yourself, “I am a beautiful person, I am a kind person, I am loved, I have a bright future, every day and in every way my life is getting better.” Put these thoughts on cards and go over them again and again. Don’t try to cover over your pain with destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, swearing, sex or fighting. Instead, at times, learn to be alone or even spend time near water, like a lake or ocean. This will give you a sense of peace and inner-strength.Justin commented about how he survived in a painful, abusive home situation: Don’t let the negativity of one person make you jaded and cynical toward life itself. There is so much more out there. I found hope in knowing that one day I would be out of the mess and on a better path.
Turn your abuse story into a way to help others. Allow the pain and hardship you’ve experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties. You might be stuck wishing you could just feel normal. For most people, normal means skating through life, driven by pleasure and comfort, unaware of life’s deeper issues. You are much more awake and alive to the reality of life’s beauty and complexities. If this makes you a deeper, more loving person, then use that to help others. Corie encouraged: I know we go through things for a reason and can learn from it but sometimes the pain, the feelings, thoughts and emotions are just so overwhelming at times. I share this because I want other survivors to know the feelings they have are normal for someone who has been abused. With time the overwhelming feelings can subside and life can get better if you just give it time. Don’t give up!
Forgive your abuser. This might be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it will also be the most freeing experience possible. Even Jesus said to pray for your enemies People will say all kinds of things against you, I say pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44) Jonathan commented: One of the biggest things someone who lives in an abusive home needs to do is to learn how to forgive. It’s not easy, but building up hostility towards the abuser(s) will not help anything. Forgive your abuser, and then find others who have been able to forgive their abusers, as well.
Run to God. Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and to those who love you the most. Rely on God. He promises to be with you, and to never leave you or forsake you. Katie commented with this encouragement: Know that you are a child of God and you are not what others say or make you feel. Life is about experiences and you can learn from it and build yourself up. In this life you are what you make yourself not what others tear you down to be.

Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and those who love you the most. #abuse Click To Tweet

In Conclusion

Your life does not have to be ruined because you have been abused. It is not a death sentence, but a challenge to overcome. You can be a survivor. In fact, you can be an over-comer! Hang onto the confidence that you are still here and willing to deal with it.

Be an over-comer! Your life does not have to be ruined because you've been #abused. Click To Tweet

Maria encouraged: There is always help out there, sometimes from people you least expect. There is always hope, don’t give up on it, because if you do, you’re basically giving up on living and loving. Life is too short and too important to live with no hope.

Thank you for sharing your very personal stories in the comments you submitted. I have learned so much about your courage and hope. I know others have learned, as well. God bless you.

Need more information on sexual abuse? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine.

What Is Physical Abuse?

by Dawson McAllister

On my blog I have found myself talking about issues few people are willing to confront. And yet, it is right below the surface of everyday life for millions of young people. It’s real. It hurts. And does untold damage. I’m talking about abuse, physical abuse. Please keep reading this blog no matter how painful it is for you. Remember, either you have been or are being physically abused, or you know someone who is. If this blog helps one person start the journey of healing, it’s completely worth it. Maybe that one person is you.

A girl who commented to me about her abuse shared this: “I still struggle from day to day trying to figure out my life and what I did to deserve it.” The fact is, she did NOT deserve it. No one deserves it. I want you and this abuse victim to know there is hope. Regardless of what you’ve been through, no matter how you’ve been treated, you can still live a joyful, fulfilling life.

So what is physical abuse? There’s nothing pretty about physical abuse. It is painful even to talk about it. In fact there is much confusion and denial over even what it is. But it can include:

striking, slapping, kicking, biting
punching, pinching, pushing, pulling
cutting or shooting
locking in or out of a room or false imprisonment
strangling or any kind of torture
drowning
exposure to freezing cold, heat (burning), or electric shock

We’re not talking about accidental injury. This is done intentionally by someone who is asserting authority over you to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.

Always remember abuse is NOT your fault. You never deserve to be physically hurt. #abuse Click To Tweet

Who Is An Abuser and Why Does He/She Do It?

Why do they do it? Typically, physical abuse is caused by a person’s inability to control their anger or frustration. This anger usually is about things that have nothing to do with the person they are abusing, but rather things such as their job or personal stresses, loneliness, depression, lack of friends, psychiatric disorders, having been abused themselves, or many times, alcohol or drug abuse. Physical abuse can happen to anyone. And it is next to impossible to recognize an abuser from outward appearances. He could be the charming guy who lives next door, or the attractive teacher at school. In most cases, the person causing the abuse is a parent but can also be an older sibling, relative, guardian, or partner.

The blame for abuse lies completely with the abuser. I received a comment from a person whose parents abused her. Every person who has ever been abused needs to read this comment. Something I learned that really helped me while I was growing up, was that I had to realize it wasn’t my fault – that I didn’t make them act that way and that I didn’t deserve what was being done to me. It’s so easy to fall into a trap of self-blame. You feel like you’re more of an adult than your parents are, so you accept responsibility for things that are actually their responsibility. “I should have known better than to say that,” you tell yourself, or “they wouldn’t get so angry if I didn’t mess up all the time.” But those are LIES. The TRUTH is that your parents are sick people. And it’s not your fault that their sickness is affecting your life.

If you are being physically abused, the most important thing you can do is find someone you can trust and seek his or her help. No healing from physical abuse takes place without this first very important step.

This is one of the most powerful comments I have ever received. Please heed the advice of Jeremy: “Abuse is wrong no matter what! Please don’t stay quiet. Speak up and tell someone. I promise you will have a better life if you tell than if you stay quiet. I lost my twin brother to suicide because of not being able to talk to someone about his problems because of the abusive home situation. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CARE!!”

Abuse is wrong no matter what! Don't stay quiet. Speak up. #abuse Click To Tweet

You can always chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Remember there is always hope. Even if you have been physically abused, you still have the ability to control how you feel and your response. Read the words of someone who was seriously abused: “They may do things to try to make you feel angry or helpless or hopeless, but you don’t have to give them that part of yourself. You don’t have to believe what they tell you or allow them to break your spirit. How they treat you is their choice; but how much you let them control the way you feel – that’s your choice. If you can learn to control your own feelings, regardless of what they do or don’t do – that’s what will help you survive.”

Leave a comment with your stories and insight, you never know who you might help with your story.

Physical Abuse

Dating Violence – 8 things that are NOT okay in Dating Relationships

Here are 8 behaviors that are NOT acceptable in a relationship.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

Abuse is not Love.

FACT: 1 in 3 teens know a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. That adds up to over 2 million women 25 and younger who are being abused by their boyfriends. One female abused by her boyfriend is too many. Two million is a tragedy.

Has your abusive dating relationship left you feeling worthless and all alone? Download our eBook for ways to build up your self-worth and love yourself.

Here are some things you can do to move on after abuse

In Conclusion

Need more information on sexual abuse? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine. thl.cta.load("62107425059cd31943eab21.06857701");

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Need more information on sexual abuse? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine.