Pain Inside I Couldn't Deal With

The Deep Pain Inside Brianna

It started right before entering my senior year in high school. I was tired. Tired of people. Tired of my overbearing parents. Tired of sharing everything with my twin. Tired of life. I attempted suicide when I was at the tender age of 16. I totaled my car by hitting a pole at a whopping 50+ miles per hour. I flipped the car so high I knocked the top off the pole, crushed the passenger side, and somehow walked away with a few scratches. I was scared. I was upset, but I was alive.

Fast forward just a couple of months. Senior year has started, and nothing is going right. I continually ask myself why I failed.

Why am I still here? I felt like a burden on my family. On my teachers. I worked hard in school, to an extent. I had to pretend I didn't care a little. Otherwise, they would all ask what was wrong with me. I still couldn't cope. I watched my twin get everything I had worked three years for. Section leader in band, team captain on our varsity soccer team, she had the high school sweetheart, she was the thin one, the smart one. She had it all. I started to cut. It wasn't for attention. It wasn't for anyone to say, I am so sorry, as they looked away.

It was because there was a pain inside me, I couldn't deal with.

I was immature. Angry. I made it through Christmas barely. Over the break I got a cold, I started taking medicine. I found out I didn't need much sleep on it. So, I kept taking it. For months. Even after the cold had been long gone. I had a drug dependency. I didn't need to sleep more than a couple hours a night. But I didn't make a good use of my extra time. I cried a lot. When everyone was asleep. And I cut. At this point, I had a really bad attitude. A bad outlook on life. I hated everyone and everything. Because of that attitude, I didn't step foot on the soccer field my entire senior year, despite starting on varsity since my freshman year. It was devastating.

I finally lost it and lashed out, not at a student, but at a teacher. When she confronted me, I broke down and told her I didn't need her sympathy, that's why I cut. For me, not anyone else. Here is where being a minor came into play... They told me parents. After watching my mother cry, they put me in therapy. Professional therapy. The counselor talked to me, asked me what was wrong, and I told him all my grievances with the world. He asked what I did for fun. I had to say nothing. Nothing was fun anymore. I didn't have my school, my sport, even my friends were gone at this point. All I had was cold medicine and scarred thighs.

During my final months of senior year, my final months of therapy, I found something out about myself. I was lost. I had strayed so far from God I didn't know how to get back.

Here I was searching desperately for something to help me. To take away my loneliness, my pain. And He was right there. Waiting for me.

There were so many signs while I was struggling, but I was too angry to see them or take them for what they were. I reconnected with God. Got involved with my church. It took a long time, but I beat my drug dependency, I beat the need to be accepted by everyone around me, and I beat the need to self-harm myself. I was accepted. Finally. I strayed throughout college; I don't know many people who don't honestly... But I found my way back through an amazing man who I am now engaged to marry. I am in charge of a youth group, and we lead discussions about tough topics. Topics I have firsthand experience with. I also sing. I sing on Wednesdays; I sing on Sundays. I sing at work. In the car. Alone or surrounded by people. I lift God and I thank him every day for rescuing me from myself and the devil within me. I still fight sin. Daily. It's still a struggle. But I am no longer alone. Praise Jesus for his love and grace. - Brianna

Related Posts:
A Door of Hope
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you are struggling, you don't have to struggle alone.  TheHopeLine is here for you.  Chat with us: HERE

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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6 comments on “Pain Inside I Couldn't Deal With”

  1. Is it just me or does everything on this website have somthing to do with God? Idk about anyone else but seeing that name just makes me feel worse

  2. My struggle as a youth
    growing up i was an unhappy kid because my father used to beat up my mother,he will accuse her of cheating and flirting with the neighbors while she was just greeting them.i suffered a lot seeing my mother crying everyday,what I know is that i didn't hate my father for doing that because mos of the times my mother will take all her stress out on me by shouting and clapping me without knowing what i did to upset her.My childhood life was miserable that at the end I began to be slow when i do things because i was disturbed mentally i couldn't cope anymore that is when i began to be afraid of my own mother and at the other hand I hated her for treating me like I was not her own child at that time I had a little brother who haven't attended school and i was in 2006 when i was doing grade 4 my father passed away and i felt alone in this world as most of the times he was the pillar of my strength as i believed that me more than the way my mother did.
    After my fathers death i continued to live as an unhappy kid because my mother pursued to treat me like an unwanted child.She will bring her boyfriends in the house and do whatever she wanted to do with them over night,she will make me to babysit my little brother when she went to town or to see her boyfriends and that it was not fair to me.In my life i ended up believing that I deserve to be unhappy because that I had was lasting for less than 3 hours a day.I thought of killing myself so many times but I was scared to do that and again I thought of the pain I might cause her to experience again I knew that people were going blame her for my death that is why I am still alive even today.
    in 2009 she fell pregnant with my stepfathers son,i did saw that she was pregnant but I was scared to ask her about it i wasn't going to ask her about it because I was angry but because I was happy to expect someone little in the family.When she was about 4/5 months pregnant she told us about the baby on the way but we didn't say anything in time went by she began to fell sick in the middle of the night she will vomit and during the day she will complain about her hurting feet and as there were 3 of us in the house the eldest being me we had to rub her feet so that she would be fine.As she had low blood pressure as she claimed she went to labor when she was only 7 months pregnant and she had to stay for weeks at hospital that was when her cousin came to stay with us.
    The baby was born and he was a handsome little boy,we welcomed him with warm hands and we loved him with all our hearts.there came a time again in 2010 when my mother was sometimes so sick that i had to call her moms little sister to come and look at her because again she was a nurse,my mother will say things that will hurt me and make me cry.She will tell me that she was tired of living like that,always sick and never getting well for a long time.i remember one week when she used to tell me that she is going to kill herself and her baby because she is tired of all this I was lost what she was talking about i wanted her to live and not kill herself i didn't care whether she loved us or not all I wanted was to see her everyday of my life but she didn't care whether i need her in my life or not.
    There came a time when she blamed witchcraft for her illness she will say that someone took her other shadow and all that they are left to do is to cut off her little tongue and by the time they do that she will die and those people will used her as their night slave,she said that during the day she will see us suffer and he will be crying and talking to us but we wont hear or see her.BY that time when she was saying all this she was getting thinner and thinner by size she had a big body,her weight lose was scaring me so much and I had to deal with it alone because I had no one to talk to even friends I couldn't tell them because I was afraid they will laugh at me and go tell the people in the neighborhood at the end my mother will be the topic of the place.
    in 2011 her life was threatened and she had to go to the hospital so that she can receive treatment for whatever that was her problem.Her father took her to the hospital as the ambulance didn't arrive in time and that was her last time to see the outside world.My grandmother who is my mothers mother little sister took me to her place with my little brother who was a year and few moths old,my other little brother who was about 9 years was left behind at our home with other family members.
    after few weeks I received the news that my own mother has passed away,it was like i was dreaming even now it still feels like that.i felt alone,lost,unwanted i tried so hard to get over this feeling but i just cant do it,i have no one to talk to,yes i dd go to see the psychologists and take medication but i have to leave it because i had to attend some sessions with the psychologist and then i ahd to not attend school to fetch medication far from where i was staying and by this time i was at high school.
    i have tried so hard to be strong for myself and my brothers but i fail to do that,i fail to accept,i fail to move on and to forget.I wish my life was different from the beginning of my life,sometimes I even think of killing myself but I cant because i don't want to hurt my brothers.
    even today i still cry when my past click on my mind i am not forcing myself to think about it but it just appear and go leaving me i pain.i get so sad when i see people posting pictures of their parents or talking about them,i was i also had them but i feel like mine failed to love mother died of aids she knew her status from the time she was pregnant with her last born child but she didn't take measures to protect herself but she only protected her unborn child even when she was at the hospital she refused to take her meds she threw them or hided them from nurses.
    i love her and i do miss her but sometimes i just feel like i hate her for msking us suffer like this as kids and again for infecting my one of my little brothers with her disease.

    1. Such an awful story and experience at your tender age .
      Babies and children are to be loved and cherished.
      Though you love your mother I'm happier that your grand parents are there for you now.
      Maybe God decided you children do need a healthier dynamics to survive or perhaps you are fulfilling your elderly brother duties .
      We all put a name like God to connect with our inner conscience and to keep us human to make correct decisions which we keep ours and others' best interests at heart.
      Your mother had been overcome with past abuse that in time she became the bully. This happens esp as you outlined in your first paragraph; your earlier life with both your parents.
      Sometimes adults are not as wise and insightful as children . I once asked my grand mother I will not listen to my younger brother and what does he know. She replied to me, that i cannot disregard advise from a younger person they might be far wiser than adults or even herself.
      My view is that you stuck strong in such despair and have emerged more courageous , and responsible than what you are saying about yourself.
      Most adults are unable to be strong as you have been through all this. I read it and thought to myself , what hell these beautiful children need to endure or have faced.
      I'm terribly upset at your mother. I too was left by my husband and have a baby son but her behavior of like flying off the handles I'm sorry to say.
      On the other hand destiny, God or even your strong survival instincts are keeping you floating above water, where your mother gave in and drowned in a downward spiral.
      It is our conscience to fall prey to a destructive downward spiral , like it was hers and not yours.
      Letting go is easy but holding strong is so difficult . So be atleast proud in your inner resolve you are very brave!!!

    2. Be stronger for your brothers , and you have to know that you are not the only one who suffered from being abused . I think your Mum was suffering too and instead of protecting her children she was complaining and screaming on you . try to write a new page of your life and take your past as motivation . Good luck.

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