Owning Love Addiction

Do I Own My Love Addiction?

Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.

Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.
Some of the signs of love addiction are:

  • finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

Mariah said, "I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don't care. I am terrified of being alone." She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).

So what can we do to break this love addiction that's not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.

To break love addiction we must own it.

What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.

To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there's no denial, cover-up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.

Amy said, "I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that's when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions." When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.

3 Things that are not easy to admit when you have love addiction.

1. No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty. 
None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.

3. No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs. It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren't true and will never happen.

I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.

You can get free from love addiction. But it takes some deep looking and understanding how we may have lost guard of our hearts in the past. Find out more here. 

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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5 comments on “Owning Love Addiction”

  1. I relate to everything written on this blog. I've been dealing with love addiction the past few years. I wasn't aware right away that I had this issue. It's been 2 months since my last "relationship" and everyday is more painful then the next every minute is a struggle. The guys that I've gotten involved were very unhealthy either on drugs or emotionally unavailable. I became more addicted and attached to them as they distanced themselves from me. Being in these situations were he'll for me and even worse when they ended. I know I need to join a 12 step program but I'm having a hard time getting myself there. I am in so much pain...

  2. I am very new to the concept of Love Addiction but I am so grateful for my friend who suggested that I may be a Love Addict. I am hurting so bad over a woman that I have been told by all family and friends that she really is not interested in having a committed relationship and I can not accept this. I myself realize that it is not over her per say that I am hurting and longing for it is the need to love and be loved. I did an inventory of all my pass relationships (two marriages and all) and I realize that this present relationship is identical to all my other relationships which lead me to the fact that it isn't the women I get involved with, it's ME...
    I am now seeking to learn and grow beyond these defects of character that prevent me from Loving myself and being at Peace with me... BUT IT IS HARD AND I DO NOT KNOW WHO OR WHERE TO TURN TO!!!!!!!
    Please help????

    1. Trev, What you describe is something we have heard from many that reach out to TheHopeLine. We want you to know that you are not alone and we are here to help. Please call or chat with a HopeCoach anytime 24/7 at 800.394.4673. If you want download our free app to your phone to chat, call, email and get encouraged here is the link to download it. http://thehope.dm/thlmobileapp

  3. Love addiction definitely has a biochemical element to it. There are some very good youtube videos explaining it in more depth (Helen Mia Harris for one). Your blogs about this are fairly on target, and I commend you for entering this area of discussion. Like Pia Melody, I was addicted/yearning for love from a very young childhood age. My fantasy was that I had a different mother.... back then it was "The Bionic Woman", and even a school teacher.
    I would tell my story, but it's too complex. Love addiction is not only psychological, spiritual, but very biochemical. I truly believe this.... otherwise I would have recovered long ago.
    One definitely has to own this addiction, because it goes hand in hand, quite often with codependency.

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