Why You Shouldn't Lie

Lying is a Horribly Destructive Habit 

Any destructive habit leads to painful consequences. When we choose to lie, we also choose to suffer. Think how much better off we’d be if we stopped lying and lived the truth. Listen to the words of Jennifer: "I was lied to my whole life by my mother. Every day it was something new. After living with her for 14 years, I sometimes find myself exaggerating, and making up stories to seem cool. I don’t ever want to be like my mother, so how do I stop before I hurt my family, friends, and myself?"

Jennifer realizes that lying can go from one generation to the next. One hurt person will then hurt another person because the curse of lying is not stopped.

Once we see how easy it can be to lie and to control what other people think about us, we start sliding down that slippery slope, leading to a miserable, addicted place.

https://youtu.be/MJwRg5uMmhM?si=cQOxxf66aU5fbDtg

Why Am I Lying So Much?

Sometimes, honesty is hard. For whatever reason, a lie feels like the easier or safer choice in a situation, and the next thing you know, you’re caught in a web of them. Here are some possible reasons why you might find yourself lying frequently:

• You may lie to avoid facing negative consequences or conflict. Fear of being punished, judged, or rejected can drive you to hide the truth.
• If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might lie to impress others. Lying might temporarily boost your self-image by giving you some positive attention or approval from others.
• Lying can also be a way to shirk responsibility or avoid accountability for your actions. You may make excuses or blame others to avoid owning up to a mistake or a failure or to keep from having to clean up a mess you made.
• Sometimes, people lie to protect the feelings or reputations of others. While this might seem noble, it’s still dishonest, and that will eat away at people’s trust in you over time.
• If lying has become a habitual pattern for you, it might be a coping mechanism you developed because of childhood trauma, or a behavior that you learned from a dysfunctional family member.
• Lying can also be a symptom of underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or personality disorders.

If any of these sound familiar, don’t worry—it's never too late to make positive changes. Examine the root causes of your lying habit and address them with honesty and self-compassion. Seeking support from a licensed therapist can give you the guidance and tools you need to cultivate self-awareness and healthier coping mechanisms

So, the most important question we can ask today is: How do we stop lying?

8 Practical Steps to Stop Lying

1. Admit you have a problem.

This is always the first, biggest, and most difficult step. Find someone you trust and tell them about your lying habit…no matter how big or small you think the problem is. The fact is, you don’t want to lie anymore, but you can’t stop lying on your own. You need help to stay accountable. Megan said: "When I met the man who is now my husband, I knew I needed to work on [my lying] because I wanted to be completely truthful with him. I told him that I wanted his help, and was amazed that he loved me enough to stick with me (even the few times I lied to him) and fight it out with me."

2. Remind yourself how lying messes up your life.

Lying destroys relationships and adds a tremendous burden to your life. Understanding that there will be consequences is a powerful deterrent to breaking the habit of lying. Phillip suffered the consequences of his lying in a big way: "I used to lie all the time, and I would normally end up getting caught in the end. It took me going to prison to find out that the truth is a much better way to go than to lie about everything. Take the time to think about what the consequences are going to be of what I say or are about to do?"

3. Try to figure out what pressured you to lie.

What were you trying to hide? What would have been a better way, to tell the truth? For example, all addicts feel they must lie to cover up their addiction. The more they cover up their addiction, the better they get at lying and deceiving. Almost every lie has a reason behind it. Wrong actions almost always lead to lies. The reason Hannah lies is to control the people around her. That in itself can be an addiction. "I try not to lie, but if I see someone that I like pulling away from me because they think I’m weird, I’ll start telling lies to get me closer to them. I end up living this horrible lie."

4. Tell someone when you lie.

Admitting a lie can make a world of difference, and while it might hurt your pride, it’s far better than being a liar. Even better, confess to the person you lied to immediately and seek their forgiveness. This is humbling, but it will cause you to stop and think before you tell another lie. Someone once said Confession is good for the soul. And it is also good at helping us break bad habits.

It would also be wise to confess your lying before God. After all, He’s heard every lie you’ve ever told. And when you confess, you can also ask God to help you break the habit. The Bible promises God will always show us a way out:

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13.

God actually has a lot to say about lying in the Bible. Check out these Verses of Hope for Lying.

5. Be realistic about what you promise to others.

Deliberately broken promises are lies that lead to broken hearts. If you promise to do something and never intend to follow through, that is a lie. Additionally, many lies begin as a way to cover up the fact that we can’t possibly do everything we promised we were going to do. Be honest about what you’re capable of doing, admitting to yourself and others your limitations, and you won’t feel a need to lie.

6. Talk to others about their expectations of you.

If you find yourself lying to cover up how you have fallen short of others expectations of you have a conversation with your parents, friends, or teachers in order to come to an agreement about what is reasonable for them to expect. Don’t sell yourself short. You may not be expecting enough of yourself, but an open discussion to get everyone on the same page is important.

7. Practice telling the truth.

When you start to feel the urge to lie, stop and think for a moment. Think about what the other person would feel about you if they knew you were lying. Think about how you would feel if people lied to you all the time. And then, as painful as it may seem, tell the truth. The more we tell others the truth, the easier it is to continue to do it. Lying is a bad habit. Telling the truth is a good habit. Work on breaking your bad habit by replacing it with a good one. Angel said: "It spreads like wildfire when someone is caught lying. Then, when the person is actually telling the truth, no one will believe them because they have told so many lies. For the sake of your family, friends, and loved ones, always tell the truth, even if you are afraid of the outcome!”

8. Commit to a life of honesty, at all costs.

Telling the truth might be horribly uncomfortable for you, but you’re starting to walk down a path of honesty and integrity, turning yourself into the person you desire to be. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t lie and make something up. Say, I don’t know. The freedom of the truth will be liberating.

Like any Addiction - It's Not Easy to Stop Lying...But Worth It.

Let’s be honest…it is going to be very difficult to stop lying. Claudia admitted: "I have learned that when you start lying, it is hard to stop. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get over a habit that has been a big part of your life."

However, as you wake up to the reality of what you’re saying and doing and put a stop to the lies you are telling, you will soon reap the benefits of living a peaceful life. I promise, if you put forth an effort to stop this toxic and destructive habit right now, you’ll be grateful forever.

Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear what you think are some of the rewards of being honest.

For more help to stop lying, check out, Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying Plus How Liars Get Caught. 

Meeting someone who suddenly makes you feel alive and loved is very exciting! You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can't help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity, between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don't take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.

Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as:  the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.

The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.

The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, Guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.

We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.

How to Start a Healthy Relationship

The Best Dating Relationships Develop out of Great Friendships

Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you can see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?

Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sign of relational immaturity that will lead to an unimaginable amount of hurt.

The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.

Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, "First, if you go too far, you could get hurt mentally because of a bad breakup, and physically, you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says he likes something about you doesn't mean you need to get into a relationship. Some guys can talk, but that doesn't mean you must fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast,t and you're open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn't settle for less than the best. Don't rush into something that you didn't even have time to think about." 

People Don't Fall in Love; They Fall in Ditches

When you rush into a romantic relationship, you:

• Say things you don't mean.
• Make promises you can't keep.
• Dig a hole that's hard to get out of.
• Arouse expectations you can't fulfill.
• Trust your feelings rather than the truth.
• Find it easy to make wrong choices.
• Don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.
• Keep looking for more emotional thrills and then invite the curse of boredom into the relationship, where everything normal starts to feel boring.
• End up spending too much time with the one you're dating and excluding your friends.
• Believe in the myth of love at first sight. There's no such thing. There's good chemistry at first sight, but not love at first sight. People don't fall in love; they fall in ditches.

Misplaced Hunger for Love Can Hurt You

The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn't allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie, we are left thinking that most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense, and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment. 

Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don't let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.

Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, "I'm quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I'm always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees."

Is 1 Month Too Soon to Say I Love You?

The big three words. They’re exciting. They’re scary. They mean a lot of things on top of their intended message, and their meaning changes depending on when, where, why, and to whom you say them. No pressure.

Ultimately, it’s an extremely personal decision to introduce them into a new relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer to when it’s the right time to say, “I love you.” The only truly wrong move would probably be to lie about your feelings to manipulate someone. So if there’s no right time to say “I love you,” how do you decide when you’re ready?

First, you need to get clear on what “love” means to you. When you’re young and a relationship is new, hormones and emotions are intense. You might be on cloud nine, enjoying every second that you spend with this person, thinking about them all the time, and staying up all hours to talk to them even when you aren’t together. That can certainly feel like love. But is it?

For you, does saying “I love you” imply “I want to marry you,” or is it more like “I want to be your girlfriend, and I expect you to ask me to the prom”? When you think of “love” in its truest form, do you think of something that’s only lasted four weeks? Or do you think about the sweet elderly couple who still hold hands in the park on their daily walks? Is love just a feeling that gives you butterflies, or is love also a decision and a commitment? When the butterflies are gone, does that mean you’ve fallen out of love? Or does that just mean that you and your partner have learned to trust and depend on each other in a healthy, stable way?

Here’s the thing—some couples get married within three weeks of meeting one another, have three kids, and build a lovely family. So, if you have done your due diligence, searched your soul, and determined that “love” is absolutely what you feel—it may be right to tell this person you love them! However… if it’s really love, there’s also no rush.

Even that couple who got married at three weeks would probably tell you the real love kicked in after they got to know each other, worked hard to foster their connection, and continually chose one another day after day. If you and this person share something special, chances are that waiting another day, week, or month to say “I love you” won’t ruin that.

When in doubt, talk to your partner. Tell them what’s been on your mind, and ask them if they have thought about what saying “I love you” means for a relationship. At the one-month mark, you and your partner may or may not be ready to say, “I love you.” Whether you say the words or not, use this time together to build a strong foundation through genuine connections and shared experiences. Have fun, treat each other with love, and the words will come when the time is right.

Just Slow Down

I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.

I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone.  This is an important decision that involves your heart.  Solomon also said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6  God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!

Just remember what Jessica has to say: "Don't jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother." 

Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read - How to Know It's Really Love.

What to Know About Mind Games

Is Playing Mind Games Emotional Abuse?

What is a mind game? Generally, a “mind game” is a manipulation tactic, when someone intentionally chooses words and actions in hopes of controlling a situation or person. While “mind games” are intentional, they may also be subconscious, especially if the manipulator is young or has mental health issues. They may not be aware of the game they’re playing, or of the impact it has on others, but they’re still intentionally seeking control.

“Gaslighting” is a classic example of a mind game that can be a form of emotional abuse. This is when someone denies or distorts reality to make their partner doubt their perceptions. It’s a tactic commonly associated with narcissistic behavior—not the same thing as your grandma genuinely not remembering your fourth-grade dance recital. If, however, your grandma denies that she attended your fourth-grade dance recital, despite the fact that you have photo evidence and vividly remember how she said you looked fat in your leotard, the bad news: grandma’s a gaslighter.

The “silent treatment” and “withholding” are also commonly employed mind games, and if they happen regularly in one of your relationships, it could be emotional abuse. We’re all guilty of being manipulative to get what we want from time to time, but the question of abuse comes in when we’re not able to own it and change, constantly repeating toxic behaviors no matter who gets hurt.

1. Trust your instincts. If you feel like something’s off, say something. Manipulation tactics often rely on the victim doubting their own reality. By staying true to your feelings and perceptions, you may be able to render someone’s mind games useless.

2. Establish boundaries. If you think you’re being manipulated, say something. Give them a clear picture of what treatment you will or won’t accept. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and mutual respect. If they continue playing mind games after you’ve told them to stop, that’s a sign that their behavior is emotional abuse, not just a one-time mistake.

3. Seek support. A major way that emotional abusers are able to get away with their behavior is that they make their victims feel embarrassed or afraid to tell others what’s going on. Share, share, share your experiences with trusted friends, family members, or counselors. When you’re in the middle of someone else’s mind game, getting an outside perspective can help you stay connected to what’s true vs. what your manipulator wants you to think. Validation from others can reinforce your sense of reality and help you identify when you’re in an emotionally abusive situation.

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games in Dating Relationships

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let's include both sides here. There could be several reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don't even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

If you’re wondering how to figure out whether you’re in a relationship with someone who plays emotionally abusive mind games, here are three tips:

Here Are a Few Reasons I've Observed Over the Years and How to Respond.

Reason 1: To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

• sex
• always having someone by their side
• having someone adore them
• a need to control someone
• hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
• boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
• having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So, what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It's important for the person who is playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they'll quit not only messing with your head but also with your heart. You don't need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, "A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others." Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone about what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know they are playing. But remember this: don't simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a great, loving relationship, but I sure don't want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

What's Another Reason for Mind Games?

Reason 2: They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: "Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped." In another question, Brittany asked: "Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?"

Some people want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, 'If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool". All of this comes from low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still, others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well, that stinks...so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others. 

I Have One More Reason for Mind Games...

Reason 3: Testing The Water

Other times, people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just too nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder.  Remember, a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they are also afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward...

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: "You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship." This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have great rewards or allow you to move on.

Remember that nobody’s perfect, and we’re all learning. If you’ve caught yourself playing mind games, take the opportunity to own that and do better. If you think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, speak up, set boundaries, and ask for support. As always, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches if you need more clarity on healthy relationships and emotional abuse. We’re here, so you never have to deal with life’s toughest questions alone!

Best Ways to Be a Great Friend

How Can I Be an Amazing Friend?

Friendship is one of the best gifts life has to offer. Being a great friend means making an effort to show your friends you care.

I never thought I would write an article on being a great friend. But I am amazed how many people reach out to TheHopeLine who down deep are lonely and need a good friend. The fact of the matter is we are all wired for meaningful relationships. Studies show if you have good friends throughout your life, you will live longer.

There is a lot of truth behind the common saying, In order to have a great friend, you must first be one. I hope to help you gain some insight on how to be a great friend.

Being an enthusiastic listener, spending quality time, and sending encouraging cards or gifts; all these can go a long way toward strengthening a friendship. If your friend is going through a tough time, offer support. If you're not sure what to do, or if you feel they need more help than you can offer, there are support organizations, mentors, and counselors your friend can get connected with.

Friendship also involves learning how to set and keep healthy boundaries. None of us can be everything or do everything, even for the people we're closest to. It's okay to ask for alone time, or to not answer calls or texts immediately. You should also let your friend know what you need, when you are hurting, and how they can help if you are going through a difficult time. Strong friendship is a two-way street, where there is a healthy give and take between you.

What makes someone a bad friend?

Friendship is hard. One minute, we’re all playing together on the same playground, and the next, we’re competing for solos in the show choir, playing opposite each other in sports, or changing schools. You might wake up one day to find you have absolutely nothing left in common with someone you used to be able to talk to for hours. Or maybe you’ve had the same “best friend” your whole life, and you find yourself wondering if they even like you. There’s a lot of advice out there about how to be a good friend, but how do you spot a bad one? Here are a few signs someone isn’t living up to the definition of the word “friend.”

1. You can’t trust them. Trust is the foundation of any friendship, and breaches of this trust can strain the relationship. Someone who struggles to keep things confidential or shares your personal information without consent might be a bad friend. 

2. They’re consistently negative. Friends should uplift and support each other. If someone constantly brings negativity into your life, whether they’re critical of you and others, they’re always gossiping, or they’re just generally pessimistic about life, it could be a sign you’re in a toxic friendship.

3. It’s a one-sided relationship. A healthy friendship involves mutual give and take. If you find that you're consistently putting in more effort, or your friend only reaches out when they need something, that’s not a fair dynamic.

4. They lack empathy. A good friend is understanding. If your friend consistently dismisses your feelings, fails to listen, and can’t (or won’t) ever see your point of view, there’s a lack of emotional support, which is key to any friendship.

5. There’s a sense of jealousy and competition. Healthy friendships celebrate each other's successes. If a friend seems consistently jealous of the good things happening in your life or gets overly competitive with you about everything, that’s another unhealthy dynamic that may lead to resentment.

6. They’re unreliable. Someone who frequently cancels plans, arrives late, or fails to follow through on commitments isn’t prioritizing your friendship or treating it with respect. Reliability is essential for building trust, which we talked about in #1.

7. They betray your boundaries. Respecting each other's boundaries is crucial in any friendship. Whether they’re texting your boyfriend or asking to copy your homework, if a friend constantly crosses your boundaries without consideration, it may be a red flag.

8. They don’t apologize or take responsibility. Everyone makes mistakes, but a bad friend may struggle (or refuse) to apologize or take responsibility for their actions. If there's a consistent pattern of blame-shifting, that’s another red flag.

9. They’re a negative influence. If a friend consistently pushes you to do things you’re not interested in or participate in activities that don’t make your life better, that’s not uplifting (see #2). Whether they drag you into unhealthy behaviors or encourage poor decision-making, it's time to reevaluate whether this friendship is good for your well-being.

What do you do if you think you have a bad friend? You don’t have to “break up,” but you should definitely try talking to them. Start with curiosity and empathy—a lot of the above may be signs that your friend is struggling with their mental health… A little support could help them get back to a place where they’re able to be a good friend. However, if you talk to them, and they can’t acknowledge their issues (see #8), it’s probably time to distance yourself until you see change.

So, how can you learn to be a great friend? What does it take?

If you're struggling with making friends or resolving conflicts in a friendship, it may help to find support from someone you trust, or to get help from a mentor or counselor. 

Here are some qualities of a great friend. As you learn how to be a good friend, in turn, you'll be teaching your friends how to become better ones.

Here are 9 Ways You Can Become a Great Friend:

1. Be real. People are turned off by those who are constantly trying to be someone they are not. We are most comfortable around others who are comfortable in their own skin. So just be yourself. Even though you aren't perfect, the way you handle your strengths and faults with humility and confidence will give other people permission to be real and relaxed with you, as well. Real friends are relaxed around each other.

2. Be honest. Keep your promises and do what you say you're going to do. Be reliable. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who lies. And lies always have a way of coming to the light. Also, friends will say the truth to one another, even when it's hard. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said: Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. 

Shannon got caught up in an eating disorder until her friend called her out: I was addicted to being skinny and looking absolutely perfect. I never really understood what I was actually doing to myself until a good friend of mine talked to me about it.

3. Take an interest in the details of your friend's life by being a good listener. Don't watch television or text while your friend is sharing something with you. Most times people need more than good advice, they need someone to listen to them as they talk through their feelings. Ask them what's going on in their life and how they feel.

Mari commented: Kyler is my best friend because he listens. No matter what is going on he is genuinely interested in how I am. He always has my back and would drop everything if I needed him.

4. Make time for your friend. Time is one of the greatest gifts we possess. When we share extra time with a friend, we are giving back to them that gift. No friendship can develop overnight. It takes time. A real friend will take that time.

5. Keep their secrets. Prove yourself to be a trustworthy person who will guard their secrets with your life. A good way to prove you are trustworthy is to be free to share some of your own secrets with your friend. King Solomon also said:  Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. Are you willing to be a friend like that?

6. Encourage your friend. Everyone needs encouragement. Find specific ways to encourage your friend. Even in the depths of their struggles, show them what you see to be special about them and be willing to pick them up when they are depressed or feel like life is pressing in on them from all sides.

7. Be loyal to your friend. This is unconditional acceptance, even when your friend makes a mistake or really screws up. Be there when they are experiencing their highest highs and their lowest lows. Laugh with them, cry with them, don't just talk about always being there. Prove it in your everyday life! Delaney wrote to me and said: I have great friends who are always there for me and always know how to make me happy.

8. Be willing to work through conflict. Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don't give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

9. Watch out for your friend. When you see your friend getting into a dangerous situation whether it's with drugs or alcohol, or maybe even a destructive relationship, be bold enough to step in and protect your friend from the harm you see coming their way. Narda commented: My best friend is more than a best friend, she's more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each other back, now and forever.

It takes a lot of work and commitment to be a great friend. But it is worth it. Keep in mind there are people all around you who are looking for friends. So, continue developing good friends and your life will be far better for it.

Making friends can be a very difficult task for some. Are you having a hard time making friends? Here are 4 steps to help you make friends. 

Ways to Soften Your Heart to God

Thinking About God in a New Way

Life can do a number on our faith. Sometimes, life is so painful and difficult, or we are so caught up in unfulfilling relationships and harmful behaviors, that we turn away from our faith in God. 

There are other times when someone else who believes in God hurts us. That feeling of being betrayed by someone who is supposed to live by their faith and love others can make it all the more difficult to turn back to God.

But it is possible for God to soften your heart. You can change from the inside out and have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and will bring you unspeakable joy. 

What does the Bible say about a hard heart?

To understand how to “soften” your heart, you need to know what a “hard heart” is. "Hard heart" is a term used in the Bible and pop culture to describe a person who is stuck in a place of insensitivity or resistance to the love of God and others—think Ebenezer Scrooge. No matter what anyone says or does to help or guide you, your hard heart refuses to listen… you’re emotionally stubborn, either by choice or because life has hurt you over and over.

When the Bible talks about the concept of a hard heart, there’s usually an emphasis on the need for openness, humility, and receptiveness to God's love. In Ezekiel 36:26, God promises to "give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." A heart made of stone wouldn’t be hurt easily, but it also wouldn’t be very good at pumping blood, which keeps us alive. You need your heart (your feelings) to experience life to the fullest, but that can be risky.

Jesus had a profound understanding of the pain we might suffer as humans, which is why he took a compassionate approach to those who hardened their hearts. In Matthew 11:28–30, Jesus extends an invitation, saying, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." He knew that our hearts weren’t hardened for fun. Our hearts are hardened to protect us from a scary world, so his invitation is to rest, let go of everything we’re afraid of or resisting, and trust that if we let his love in, it will be worth it.

To soften your heart to God, you have to be willing to surrender the idea that you can keep it all together by yourself, admit that you need help, and accept the transformation that can happen when you let divine love into your life. It's an ongoing process—some days your heart may feel harder than others, and that’s okay. Embrace the compassion of Jesus, who understands our challenges without judgment, and be patient with yourself as you learn how to open yourself to all the spiritual and emotional experiences on your path.

Everyone’s journey is different, but if you are open to considering what a relationship with God might look like for you, I believe God is working in your life right now, to soften your heart towards Him. Here are some important things to think about on this journey: 

1. Start with Prayer and Ask God for a Softer Heart

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Here’s the best part about softening our hearts toward God, we don’t have to do it on our own. God actually gives us a softened heart when we turn to him in search of healing from our hardened heart. Having a softened heart is like having a whole new heart that is more refreshed, more willing to love God and others, and more open to trusting Him.

If you’re struggling to put things into words, here’s a prayer you can say to ask God for a softer heart:

Heavenly Father,

I know you have the power to soften anyone’s heart. I want to have a softer heart toward you and others. Please give me a new heart that accepts your love and forgiveness and extends it to myself and others.

In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

God is so rich in forgiveness and love that He will start softening your heart as soon as you ask Him in faith. Whether you are a new believer who is struggling to stay strong, or someone who has been turned away from faith for a long time, God is ready to draw near to you and soften your heart with his mercy and love.

2. A Relationship with God Softens Your Heart

Think about having a relationship with God like a relationship with a friend. When we go through difficult times with our friends, our hearts might feel colder towards them. However, as we think through how important this person is to us, we realize we want to restore that relationship, and we allow our hearts to soften to that possibility. We make room to reach out to our loved ones, and to build a greater sense of trust in them. 

There’s no doubt this kind of work in a relationship with a friend is very worthwhile. How much more with God, who created us out of deep love for us, and gave our lives a unique purpose? 

Thinking about God as someone you have a relationship with, rather than a concept you have to understand, is a great first step toward opening the door for a stronger, richer faith in Him.

3. Understand Why Your Heart has Hardened 

As with any difficulties we are trying to work through, it helps to understand how we got to where we are. 

• Can you think of any times when you decided to turn away from God and toward a less fulfilling, harmful choice (like a toxic relationship, or an addictive behavior)?
• Did a traumatic event or painful loss cause you to lose faith in God?
• Did another believer hurt you or betray your trust?
• Did you decide you could figure things out on your own?

Being honest about what harms our relationship with God and hardens our hearts is difficult, but it’s an important step toward changing our hearts and minds and turning them back toward God.

4. See the Harm of Hardening Your Heart

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. Ephesians 4:18 

It is a serious thing when we allow our hearts to grow cold and harden toward God. Not only does it add to our spiritual and emotional pain, but it alienates us from the deep joy and peace we would otherwise have if we were more open toward God and more honest about our need for him. Hardening our hearts can:

• Make it harder for us to see the good things God gives us every day,
• Make it more difficult for us to see the good in others, or to love and forgive them.
• Lead us into darker, more desperate feelings that can further harm our minds and hearts.

5. Ask for Forgiveness for a Hardened Heart

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the LORD always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity. Proverbs 28:13-14

Being truthful with ourselves about the ways hardening our heart toward God has hurt us and our relationships allows us to find a way forward. We know where we went wrong, and we can ask for forgiveness from God for the choices we’ve made that have hardened our hearts. You can ask for God’s forgiveness in prayer. Here’s an example of a prayer you can pray:

Heavenly Father,

I know I have made choices that have hardened my heart toward you. I’m sorry to have hurt you, hurt myself, and hurt my relationships with others. Please forgive me as I seek to change my heart and soften it toward you.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

6. Understand What a Softened Heart Is 

Cast away from yourselves all the transgressions you have committed, and fashion for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. Why should you die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 18:31

Once we know the harm of hardening our hearts and are ready to make a change for the better, it’s helpful to understand what it means to have a softened heart.

The desire to soften our heart comes from our innermost being, that place deep within us that longs to be in a relationship with God. It’s the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts that causes us to listen for God’s guidance, to love and obey God, and to turn away from whatever harms the joy and peace of a relationship with Him. 

Softening our heart will also change our actions. Since we are more open to God and His love, and since we no longer want the pain of a hardened heart, we will make an effort to “cast away” the harmful thoughts and actions that hardened our hearts, so we can start each new day with a heart that is open to loving God and others.

If you need extra encouragement, there is no shame in reaching out for mentoring and support on your faith journey. We all need each other to stay strong in our faith. Talk to a Hope Coach today about your struggles with faith, and how you can keep your heart soft toward God. We are here to listen to you, pray for you, and support you along the way.

Everyone who is currently dating needs to ask the question: Am I in love, or am I in lust? Whatever you do, don't mess up on this question or you will walk into a world of hurt.

What to Know About Lust

Reasons Lust Is Destructive

Lust means over-desire. It is when you take something good, twist it, and add cravings to it so you are consumed until you are gratified. When we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex, it can be defined this way: when a person's body is far more important to you than his or her soul.

Love is the foundation on which our families and society are based. Lust is just a physical emotion we act upon when we get caught up in the moment. However, most of us fall in love with someone we find physically attractive. Because of this, hurt and confusion can easily be caused when you or your partner confuse love and lust with each other. Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite that is based on self-gratification and has little to do with true feelings for the other person. As someone once said, "Lust is as different from love as night is from the day." That's because love is an act of the will, covered with a deeply passionate and tender affection for another person. Lust wants to get, love longs to give.

It's easy to think, "So what's the problem with lust?" After all, it is all around us, in songs, movies, advertisements, etc. Lust sells because it appeals to the dark side of us that only wants to get.

Here Are Two Serious Problems With Relationships Built on Lust:

1.  It Is Based on Extreme Self-Indulgence, Not Caring About the Other Person. Someone once said, "Hate is the opposite of love." That is true, but so is self-indulgence. Love can hardly wait to give. Lust can hardly wait to get. Lust turns people into liars, deceivers, and manipulators. Their actions towards others are based on the craving to get. Just as a junkie will do about anything to get his fix, someone steeped in lust will do about anything to be self-gratified.

I received an incredible, insightful comment from Sarah. She said, "I dated guy after guy who would only tell me that they loved me when we were being physical. That was when they loved me. The rest of the time I was an object of abuse and rejection." Sarah was wrong in one sense. She said, "They loved me when we were being physical." She should have said, "They loved themselves when we were being physical and I was the object of their gratification." Lust is always ugly because it is self-indulgent and self-centeredness is never a pretty thing.

2. It Abandons the Other Person When It Is No Longer Getting What It Wants. I can't tell you how many times girls have called me on my show to announce they were pregnant, their boyfriend is long gone, and they are left all alone. I call it sex-and-run. I hate hit-and-run accidents because the person who is running is showing zero responsibility towards the person they hit. Lust that causes sex-and-run is even worse. As soon as lust no longer gets what it wants and is forced to face responsibility, it runs...leaving heartbreak in its path. Sex and run is an ugly thing full of selfishness and irresponsibility.

Samantha said, "I have been in this situation a couple of times. I went out with a guy for a year and a half which ended up being a waste of time. I thought I loved him, but I just loved being with someone because I was afraid of being alone. He only wanted me for my body—that was all. I didn't give it to him, so he cheated on me for a long time." It's amazing to me how quickly people in lust scatter when they figure out that their lust will not be gratified.

Aimee Rose sent me a cool comment I had never thought of before. She said something like this: "I've heard you can never fall out of 'love', but you can always fall out of lust." You're right on the money, Aimee Rose. Lust will die in an instant if it is not being fed. In fact, lust can turn to anger when it is rejected.

Lisa M. said, "About 6 months ago, I was with this guy, and I thought it was love. I mean, he said all the right things and did all the right things. I thought I was in love, but it turned out that the relationship was nowhere near love. We had a lot of fights and arguments about sex because he was ready and I wasn't. Well, he didn't get what he wanted, so he got up and left. For a long time, I was dazed and confused, but finally, I got to thinking that if that was love, then he wouldn't have cared about sleeping with me; he would have just gotten pleasure from being around me."

Lust attacks not only guys, but females as well.  So always keep your eyes open for it so you can do all you can to protect yourself from this destructive monster. You deserve so much better. You are worth so much more. Remember, lust kills, but love brings life.

Does Lust Cause Cheating?

Lust, in its essence, is an intense desire or craving, often rooted in physical attraction. While it's a natural human emotion, its impact on relationships can become destructive if you let it get out of control. The link between lust and cheating is not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. There are a lot of factors that go into someone’s decision to cheat on their partner, but it’s true that lust can be, and often is, one of those factors.

The feeling of lust is fun. You get caught up in anticipating some form of physical intimacy, so much so that just thinking about someone can flood your brain with feel-good chemicals that can make it hard to make good choices. That’s when you’re in dangerous territory—your brain starts caring more about getting to the source of those delicious brain chemicals than it does about your values, and if you don’t step in to put a stop to it…. Lust can convince you that whatever it wants will be worth the fallout.

The influence of lust on cheating can manifest in various ways:

• Emotional Disconnect
• Excessive focus on lust or physical desire may lead you to feel emotionally distant from your partner. You’ve traded the rush you get from lust for the true intimacy you could be developing with them. That creates a void that lust might convince you to fill outside of your relationship.
• Impulse Control
• Lust can lead to impulsive decision-making, where the immediate satisfaction of your desires overshadows your consideration of long-term consequences.
• External Temptations
• Your environment can have a significant impact on how you manage lust or desire. If you’re surrounded by friends who talk about their amazing sex lives, play games or watch shows where the characters have frequent or graphic sex, or have a friend who’s been cheating on their partner…. All of that information goes into your brain. Some of that input may trigger lust for you or make you feel like cheating is normal or okay. Learn how to recognize when something like that comes up so that you can navigate your feelings instead of being ruled by them.
• Communication Breakdown
• If you’re not talking to your partner about what you both want out of your relationship, that’s a recipe for unmet needs. When there are misunderstandings or mismatched desires for intimacy, lust can creep in and convince you that you’re missing out when all you really need to do is talk. Instead of building a wall between you and your partner and looking for what you want by cheating, try communication.

Ultimately, the decision to cheat is nobody’s fault but yours. Sure, lust may have played a factor, but lust isn’t the boss of you. You’re responsible for your actions. That said, understanding how lust can tempt you to cheat is an essential step toward being an emotionally healthy partner.

We all want that long-lasting meaningful relationship, but we tend to rush into things. Read my blog to find out how to find that relationship.

No one would deny that lying is a bad habit. Yet many people are clueless as to how big of a problem it is. Sadly, lying can become an unconscious and destructive habit. Let's talk about the different kinds of lies and see if you recognize them.

What to Know About Lying

Types of Lies

Understanding the different types of lies can go a long way in recognizing the issues that the liar is going through - whether it be you or a friend.

1. White Lies

A white lie is often called the least serious of all lies. People tell white lies claiming to be tactful or polite. For example, it could be making up an excuse for not going to a party, or showing appreciation for an undesirable gift. But telling white lies after a while can cause conflict with others because over time they understand the insincerity. That is why white liars can lose their credibility.

https://youtu.be/uqMIaEVyis8?si=ZlXoeRD-np-3CMQz

Patterns of white lies made over time can create distance between you and others, and destroy your credibility.

Brandon admitted, "Sometimes I say I have plans to do something when I don't, just to get out of having to tell someone I don't want to go with them. It seems like the better option, than saying I don't like you." There are other ways Brandon could turn down somebody's offer than telling a white lie.

Shariah said, "I only lie when I tell people I am doing good when I am sad or depressed. I tell them that because I don't want people knowing about what I go through and how my personal life is." By telling this white lie she is showing disrespect for the person who asked a relationship-building question and is putting up a roadblock to a deeper relationship.

2. Broken Promises

Broken promises are a failure to keep one's spoken commitment or promise. Broken promises can be especially damaging when the person who made the promise had no intention whatsoever of keeping their word to begin with. Adam said, "I told a girl I know that I'd go with her to the game even though I knew I wouldn't be able to go. I wasn't trying to hurt her, but I didn't know what else to do."

What Adam doesn't understand is that lying to the girl and breaking the promise does double damage, causing hurt feelings that could have been avoided. By breaking his promise he did great damage to her hope. She no doubt was all excited about going to the game with him, only to have her hopes dashed. Broken promises can lead to broken lives.

3. The Lie of Fabrication

Fabrication is telling others something you don't know for sure is true. Fabrications are extremely hurtful because they lead to rumors that can damage someone else's reputation. Spreading rumors is not only a lie but is also stealing another's reputation. Paul wrote, "I admit that I love spreading rumors. It's all about telling lies about someone you don't like. It usually works."

4. The Bold-Faced Lie

A bold-faced lie is telling something that everyone knows is a lie. It's simple and sometimes cute for a little child to tell a bold-faced lie about not eating any cookies, even though there's chocolate all over his or her face.

As we get older, we try to be more clever with our cover-ups. Some people never grow up and deal with their bold-faced lying even though others know what they're saying is completely false. When people hear a bold-faced lie they are resentful that the liar would be so belittling of their time and intelligence.

Sara said, "I hate lying. Especially when I know everybody knows I'm lying. I feel so dumb." Sara isn't the only one who feels dumb. The people she lies to could also feel the same way.

5. The Lying in Exaggeration

Exaggeration is enhancing a truth by adding lies to it. The person who exaggerates usually mixes truths and untruths to make themselves look impressive to others. An exaggerator can weave truth and lies together causing confusion even to the liar. After awhile the exaggerator begins to believe his or her exaggeration.

Amber confessed she thinks exaggeration actually helped her. "I'm not good at really anything, so I lie about stupid things so that I sound like there is more to me." An exaggerator is a tragic person because he or she feels so little about themselves that they have to make up stories to look good to others.

6. Lies of Deception

A deceiver tries to create an impression that causes others to be misled, by not telling all the facts, or creating a false impression. Jon admitted he was a deceiver, "Sometimes I don't like being seen as smart, so I'll joke around about how smart I am just to try and get people to think that I'm not that smart. It works sometimes. It doesn't feel like lying, I guess I'm just pretending to be something I'm not." Causing deception is a powerful and hurtful tool. It can be very subtle yet deadly.

7. Plagiarism

Plagiarism is both stealing and lying. It consists of copying someone else's work and calling it your own. Plagiarism is a very serious act. Some college and graduate students have even been kicked out of school because of it.

Scott asked a question and admitted his plagiarizing. "Is it lying to copy something from the internet and call it your own? I do this sometimes when working on a paper for school and I run out of time." Scott seems to be confused about his plagiarizing. Yes, Scott, it is lying. Just because it is easy to do does not make it right.

8. Compulsive Lying

Compulsive lying is often caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention; in fact, the compulsive liar finds it all but impossible to stop. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better. Bree said, "This guy I grew up with tells lies like its no tomorrow. What I don't get is that I actually think he believes every word of the lie is true. I think it's ridiculous." It is more than ridiculous, it is a tragedy.

Have you ever told anyone of these lies? Do you ever wonder if you can get away with lying? The answer is not really. You may be able to lie for a while, but in the end it will come back to haunt you. What starts as a simple white lie over time can turn into a life-destroying habit. It's important to know there is freedom in living and telling the truth. It may be difficult at first, but as Jesus said, The truth shall set you free.

 How to Tell When Someone Is Lying?

Knowing about all these different kinds of lies is great, but what good will it do if we don’t know we’re being lied to? Finding out that you’ve been deceived is a crushing feeling, most of the time… perhaps the most acceptable lie in the entire world is the one you were told so that you’d show up at your own surprise birthday party… if you like surprises, that’s when being deceived might not be the worst feeling. But most of the time, realizing you were lied to makes you feel violated, embarrassed, and sometimes angry. How can we catch liars in action?

• Inconsistent Stories 
• Liars often struggle to keep their stories straight. Have there been contradictions in their explanations?
• Body Language 
• Non-verbal cues can be telling. Look for signs like avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or unusual gestures. These can be a sign that someone is uncomfortable or nervous, both associated with deceit.
• Changes in Vocal Pitch 
• A noticeable change in someone's voice, such as sudden high-pitched tones or stammering, suggests anxiety, which could be linked to dishonesty.
• Overemphasis and Defensiveness
• Liars may overemphasize their statements or become defensive when questioned. Excessive details or a defensive tone can be red flags. Watch for defensive language, such as excessive use of "I swear" or "to be honest," as it could be a ploy to convince you of their sincerity.
• Inappropriate Smiling or Laughing
• A liar might smile or laugh at odd moments. It could mean they’re trying to diffuse tension or mask their discomfort.
• Avoidance of Direct Answers
• Liars often avoid giving direct answers to straightforward questions. If you ask a follow-up question, do they give you a vague answer? Deflect attention to something else? Change the subject entirely?
• Baseline Behavior
• This one might only be helpful if you know the person well and understand their usual behavior in everyday situations. If they seem to be acting differently than normally, that may indicate they are not being truthful.
• Changes in Blinking Patterns
• Increased blinking or a sudden lack of blinking can be associated with anxiety, which could be because they’re trying to deceive you.

It's important to note that these indicators are not foolproof, and context matters. People may exhibit these behaviors just because they’re confused, anxious, flustered, feeling sick, or in a hurry. Being aware of these signs, however, can alert you to when you should lean in and ask more questions—you’ll either build more trust with someone by noticing when something’s off and offering support, or you’ll learn more about whether someone’s unworthy of your trust.

Are you feeling like you may have a problem with lying and want to get control? Here are 8 practical steps on - How To Stop Lying.

How to Handle Being Pressured for Sex

What to Say When Someone Is Pressuring You

When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like "I'm not ready to have sex yet. I'm only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands." If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.

The reason it's so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words. 

Feeling Pressured to Have Sex in a Dating Relationship Is Common, But Not Acceptable.

In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.

Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.

Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.

Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don't agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.

Becca has learned this the hard way, "I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren't even talking anymore. If you're a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don't violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life."

What Is Consent?

If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.

If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.

It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”

Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?

And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.

Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.

What Can You Do if You're Feeling Pressured to Have Sex?

If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure - both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

1. Know where you stand in your convictions.

Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don't want to do.

Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It's important to define for yourself why this is important to you.

Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you're being pressured.

Juli wrote: "It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn't, and I won't again."

2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.

Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf.  Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don't want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.

Madison said, "My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth."

If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.

3. While waiting, learn what real love is.

The term "love" is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, "I love you," he is saying, "I don't love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me." Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else's deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)

In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.

God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.

Mandy wrote: "[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't." For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it's over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.

Someone once said, "Love can always wait to give. Lust can't wait to get."

A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn't know what love is, or he's lying about loving her. It's easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.

4. Know when to move on.

If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn't right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.

Alli wrote, "Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day." Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.

Heather wrote, "[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that's why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation."

Some people won't go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won't die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.

The Bottom Line - It's Your Body

You don't ever have to do anything with your body you don't want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.

Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.

What Is the Real Meaning of Christmas?

After All Is Said and Done, It’s Still Jesus

Christmas can be crazy and chaotic, but it is also a beautiful and meaningful time of year. I like listening to classic carols, and looking at lights and elaborate decorations, and I also love spending time together with family and friends.

I remember making wish lists as a kid by going through the big Sears toy catalog and picking out what looked the most awesome to me. When gifts would be set out under the tree, I would shake the wrapped presents, furiously trying to determine what was in there for me. I didn't always get what I wanted, even though I admit I got more than I really needed.

Something Special with You in Mind

Christmas can be so meaningful if you know that someone who loves you, is planning something special, specifically with you in mind. My parents did that for me while I was growing up. And now I get to do this for my children. And I believe God is doing this for each of us every day!

Why is Jesus the Gift of Christmas?

I recently saw a bumper sticker. It said, Jesus is the reason for the season. Not too long ago, I received a Christmas card that showed a picture of a young boy with unwrapped gifts all around him - almost overwhelmed with all the presents. The caption on the inside of the card said, After all is said and done, it's still Jesus. I am a Christian, and that's why I find Jesus at the very core of Christmas.

God's Amazing Gift to You and Me

God came to this earth in such an incredibly humble way in the form of a baby born in a barn stall. The Christ child is God's amazing gift to you and me. That's why Christians celebrate Christmas. God has prepared something great for each of us, and the way to that life is through Jesus!

As you begin to see Jesus as God's gift to you, then all the other gifts God has for you will be given.

The Quiet Moments

Several years ago, I took my family to the Smokey Mountains over the Christmas holidays. We rented a cabin and just hung out. One afternoon, we went for a ride deep into the mountains. We listened to beautiful Christmas carols and looked at the quiet beauty around us. I will never forget that time. There were no tinsel and bright lights—just the simplicity of a family thinking about Jesus' birth and enjoying God's creation. My hope for all of us is that we will have those quiet moments this holiday season when we realize what is truly important. Jesus truly is the reason for the season.