Do you have a feeling your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you? If so, you should be aware of some telltale warning signs. Below, I give you 15 signs to test your relationship to determine if your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you.

Do You Have a Feeling Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You?

But first...

How to Handle Cheating

Can You Tell If Someone Is Cheating?

Without asking whether your spouse or partner is seeing someone else, you may not know for certain if they are being unfaithful. Yes, there are common signs of cheating. People who cheat often seem defensive, or like they are hiding what they've been up to. They might spend more time away from you than usual. Or they might not be as affectionate with you as they once were. But all these circumstances could also point to different problems they're having that have nothing to do with infidelity. Claiming someone is cheating is a serious accusation without complete confirmation. If you are concerned about your partner's behavior, ask them about it directly before making assumptions that they are being unfaithful. For example, "It seems like you've been spending a lot of time away from home and I haven't been able to reach you when you're gone. What's going on? Is everything okay?" This may result in you learning the root of the problem, so you can talk through it. If your partner becomes defensive or lashes out, don't resume the conversation until you've gotten support for having these challenging conversations. Reaching out to a mentor or counselor is a safe way to talk through what you've observed and how your partner responds.

Can you relate to Angela's fear?

Angela's fear of her boyfriend cheating on her led her in all the wrong directions. "I always think in my head that he's cheating, so I want to cheat. Or if he's ignoring me, I don't know what else to do. Every time we fight and he doesn't show me love, I find it somewhere else. If he ever left me, my whole life would fall apart. But I never think about these consequences when I'm doing what I do. It's like drinking and driving; people know the consequences of drinking and driving but yet do it anyway because it seems okay or it's tempting."

Have you been hurt like Katrina?

Katrina had her trust shattered when she was engaged. "I caught my fiancé cheating on me. We had been together for 5 years and all he would tell me was that he wasn't happy. I think when he found that other woman, he uncovered feelings that he didn't feel with me. The worst part is that it went on for a month. He always would tell me he would never do something like this to me."

Now the test...

Test Your Relationship Against These 15 Signs Your Bf/Gf May Be Cheating On You

1. You begin to notice an emotional distance between the two of you. Things just aren't the way they used to be.

2. Your instinct tells you he or she is being unfaithful. Deep in your heart, you sense something has gone wrong with your relationship.

3. You begin spending less time together. Your bf/gf tells you he/she doesn't have the time for you like they used to.

4. The one you love so much stops asking you to go out and do special things together. Your boyfriend/girlfriend just doesn't have the time for you like before.

5. They suddenly start encouraging you to spend time with other people. Their rationalization is that if you spend time with other people, then I can too.

6. There's a distinct change in his or her schedule. They often make excuses for the extended time of running errands.

7. There are huge blocks of time your bf/gf is secretive about. They won't tell you where they have been.

8. You notice suspicious cell phone activity like secret texts, emails, or strange websites. Many people are caught cheating because of what is on their computers or cell phones.

9. He or she doesn't answer certain phone calls when you're around. They look especially panicked when the phone rings.

10. He or she doesn't talk to you about all their deepest feelings anymore.

11. They appear anxious when you're together and want to leave; maybe they say they're just tired. Cheating drains their emotional and physical energy because of fear they're going to get caught or from spending a lot of their time trying to cover their tracks.

12. You notice a sudden change in their appearance, or they have an increased concern about how they look. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably has a new reason to look great, and that person is most likely the one they're cheating with.

13. He or she hangs around with a new best friend of the opposite sex a lot, even more than they spend time with you.

14. Your bf/gf spends time with his/her ex but claims nothing is happening.

15. He or she begins to be increasingly critical of you or blames you for cheating, even when you haven't. This is a way of putting you on the defensive and making them feel better about what they are doing.

Do you already know they're cheating? Read this...

Be aware. Don't Ignore The Warning Signs

The above indicators are all warning signs. If you notice multiple changes in behavior, routine or personality, and not just isolated incidences, you should confront them about these signs. You should always trust first, but don't ignore red flags.
It's also important to be aware that you can't always trust your "gut feeling." Sometimes it's just jealousy and insecurity creeping in.

Lexie has some closing words of advice for us: "I think what makes a good relationship is honesty. You cannot lie to the other person or cheat! That will seriously ruin everything in the relationship, and you might not be able to fix it after it's happened. If anything's wrong, tell each other and try to work it out."

How do I stop overthinking about cheating?

Overthinking about anything can be exhausting. Overthinking about cheating can be emotionally distressing and put a strain on your relationship. If you’re struggling to put the “what if” thoughts out of your mind, it’s important to address these concerns in a healthy way and find ways to ease your anxieties. Here are some steps you can try:

Open and Honest Communication

• The first step is to communicate with your partner. Express your concerns and feelings openly and honestly. Share your fears and worries about the relationship. Maintaining a healthy, open dialogue with them can provide you with reassurance and ease any unfounded doubts.

Trust Your Partner

• Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Remind yourself that trust is vital, and your partner deserves to be trusted unless there's concrete evidence suggesting otherwise. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and treat them as trustworthy until you have a real reason to distrust them. Ask your partner to do some trust-building activities with you, if you’d like!

Self-Reflection

• Take time to reflect on the reasons behind your overthinking. Are there past experiences or insecurities contributing to your fears about cheating? Overthinking can be a trauma response. It can also be a symptom of a number of mental health conditions. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you address the issue more effectively.

Set Boundaries

• Establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Discuss what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behavior, communication, and personal space. If you can be sure that your partner is on the same page as you are about what constitutes cheating, that may help provide you with a sense of security.

Build Self-Esteem

• Boost your self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-doubt and overthinking often stem from low self-esteem. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and work on personal growth. Check out our ideas for boosting self-esteem!

Seek Professional Help

• If your overthinking is causing significant distress and impacting your quality of life, consider seeking help from a licensed therapist. They can help you explore your fears and anxieties, and provide strategies for managing them. They can also help you determine if your constant suspicions are founded in truth, or if they stem from another problem.

Limit Exposure to Triggers

• If certain situations or triggers intensify your overthinking, try to limit your exposure to them. For example, if certain social media interactions lead to jealousy or overthinking, consider taking a break from those platforms. It’s important to note, though, that you can only reduce your exposure to certain triggers—you can’t force your partner to get off social media or forbid them from going to certain places. All you can do is communicate to them about the impact some triggers have on your overthinking, and make it clear that you’ll be avoiding those.

Practice Patience

• Overcoming overthinking can take time. Be patient with yourself and the process. Ask your partner, friends, and trusted family for help when you’re struggling. We all have days when we feel anxious, and we all get frustrated with our brains sometimes. By taking these steps and seeking support when you need it, you can work toward a healthier, more secure relationship and reduce unnecessary anxieties about cheating.

Know your worth.

Whatever the outcome, You are Worthy of Love

If you find out your partner is cheating on you, do not let yourself think for a moment that you are not worthy of love. God created you to be just who you are, and He loves you as His precious child. In this messy, sinful world we live in, people will hurt each other. It doesn't mean you ever deserve to be hurt.  In fact, God desires that we love each other selflessly, the way He loves us.  This is how God describes love in the Bible.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4–8)

For more verses of hope about God's plan for relationships, love, and sex, read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

What to Know About Cheating

Why Do People Cheat on People They Love?

It's really hard to understand why people cheat on people they love. Sometimes, people decide to cheat because they feel unloved, or like they have fallen out of love, with their partner. Sometimes, they feel the romance is gone from their relationship, and having an illicit romance gives them a sense of excitement. Sometimes they feel deep shame, pain, and regret, and they don't feel like their partner can know about it, so they turn to another person. Other times, there may not appear to be a logical reason your partner has hurt you in this way.

Regardless of what happened, or the reasons they give you, remember not to take on the responsibility or blame. If you've been cheated on by your spouse or partner, their choice to be unfaithful was not your fault. It is their responsibility to understand where they went wrong and accept the consequences of their behavior. Rather than running back to them at the first sign of regret or apology, it's important for you to take the time and space you need to heal. After all, re-entering into a relationship with someone whose dishonesty hurt you so deeply may not be emotionally safe. Talking with a mentor or counselor can help you understand and heal from the pain of cheating in a safe space with someone you can trust. 

https://youtu.be/KPJfA-KFujA?si=NnsQ4XWEwzc-8MkP

Cheating

This is not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do. not. cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.

Some of you girls are already thinking On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys.

If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your boyfriends. We'll get to that later.

And, yes, I know girlfriends can cheat too, but today we are going to talk about boyfriends.

Reasons Guys Cheat

There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and everyday conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that many reasons are really not that complex.

The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to five things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.

1. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Want Out of the Relationship

Dustin wrote: I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this:  1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl. He figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. He really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.

Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem.  She becomes obsessed with her boyfriend. You know how that usually turns out...clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him.  But Mr. Self-Confident isn't committed at all and is in fact, trying to figure a way out.

One reason guys cheat is that they want out of the relationship, but aren't man enough to just break up, so they cheat in order to have an excuse to get out.

(BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.)

Dustin continued: 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. The girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love until they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.

2. Boyfriends Cheat Because Their Relationship Goals are Different

Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like,  "I love you," "you're so beautiful," and "spend our lives together."

The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a difference. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most...the relationship. And most often, in the end, they end up with a broken heart.

On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but only because the relationship is the way to get what they want...usually sex.

It's pretty simple..  she wants a relationship, so much so, that she is willing to offer sex to get it. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex.  To put it bluntly...guys cheat because the relationship was never their goal...it was the sex.

3. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Aren't Strong Enough to Resist the Temptation

Boyfriends who cheat don't always do it with a plan in mind. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators- they try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Unfortunately, some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.

4. Boyfriends Cheat Because of the Influences Around Them

Check this out...when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing.

Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated.  Some guys give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.

5. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Got Away With It Before

Do you remember Tiger Woods? He was married to one of the hottest women on the planet, but he was a big-time cheater with lots of women. (BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives.)

The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too, even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.

Bears Repeating - This is Not ALL Men

These five reasons don't paint a very favorable picture of guys...so let me reiterate, this is NOT all men.  And while it might be hard for a cheater to change his ways, it's not impossible.  I believe sometimes people are truly ashamed of a choice they made and would like to undo the past.  In fact, if you are the Cheater here are 5 Life-Changing Steps for you! My point in this blog is to point out things to look for and consider if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who cheats.

What Does It Mean When a Guy Cheats on His Girlfriend With You?

First and foremost, it means you cheated too. If you didn’t know he had a girlfriend, it wasn’t intentional, but you do need to step back and respect the person he cheated on before you pursue or demand a relationship with this guy. If you knew he had a girlfriend, then you knowingly cheated, and it’s time to examine why. We all make mistakes, and it’s important to avoid falling into a toxic shame spiral. But it’s also important to be honest and accountable for your actions.

You can’t read his mind, or his heart, or predict his next steps. If you are in love with him and want to be with him, you can communicate that to him, but say it once, say it clearly, and then wait for his response. Continuing the relationship behind someone else’s back isn’t fair to anyone. Letting him continue to speak to you or see you while he’s still with someone else is up to you, but it is a continuation of the cheating behavior.

Once you’ve stepped away from him, whether you’re stepping away from him for good or until he breaks up with his girlfriend, you need to take some time to reflect on what you really want. You can spend time wondering what he wants, whether he’s choosing you, or what it means that he cheated to be with you, but in the end, the only person whose mind, heart, and actions you control is you.

Reflect on what the future would look like with this guy:

• If he cheated on her to be with you, would you be able to trust him to be faithful to you if he met someone else he was attracted to? Or would you be constantly worried about him cheating again? 
• Do you believe you have a genuine connection with him? Was lust and the excitement of something forbidden part of what brought y’all together? Is what you have a solid foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship?
• Do you feel your personal values align with his? Is he a person you can imagine a future with? Is he someone you would want to see yourself within a year, two years, five years?
• Do you feel like you are your best self when you’re with him? Is he someone who encourages you to act within your integrity, pursue personal growth, and chase your dreams? Or is he someone who just makes you feel comfortable with the status quo and excuses behaviors you don’t like seeing in yourself?

When you find yourself in the position of being “the other woman,” you have an opportunity. Will you use this opportunity to get to know yourself better, hold yourself accountable to your values, and seek the support you need to grow?

Can a Man Cheat and Still Love His Girlfriend?

It’s important to remember that the choice to cheat rests on only one person’s shoulders: the cheater. There is nothing that the cheater’s betrayed partner did or didn’t say or do to force that choice. Sure, maybe the relationship wasn’t the healthiest, leading the cheater to desire connection outside of it, but there is no excuse for betraying someone who trusts you rather than choosing the brave path of communicating about your problems or breaking up if you’re not happy.

Now, can you cheat on someone you love? Sure, people betray those they love all the time. From borrowing your sister’s sweater without permission to asking the girl you know your best friend has a crush on to prom, you’re going to make a decision that leaves a loved one feeling betrayed at some point. The real question is, what’s going to happen with that relationship after the betrayal?

In this scenario, two decisions need to be made:

• The man who cheated has to decide if he’s willing to take responsibility for what he’s done and work like he’s never worked before to rebuild trust with his girlfriend. He has to be ready to make serious changes in his lifestyle, own up to his failures, and commit to personal growth that isn’t going to be comfortable or convenient. His other option is to let her go. If he can’t handle being faced with the consequences of his actions, like being there for her when she breaks down in tears over random triggers, being willing to cut off contact with unhealthy friendships, going to therapy, or allowing her to see his phone whenever she wants, etc. then he needs to decide to end the relationship. Otherwise, this cycle will most likely repeat itself.
• The girlfriend who got cheated on has to decide if she wants the kind of love this man can give her. Sure, he “loves” her, but he chose to be with someone else and betray that love. No matter what kind of trust is rebuilt from that point on, the past cannot be rewritten. She has to decide if she would rather do the hard work of breaking up with him, grieving that relationship, and moving on with her life or the hard work of grieving the betrayal, healing from the trauma, and learning to rebuild trust with this man she loves. Either path is difficult, and either path is an understandable choice. But the choice has to be made.

Giving it a Reason Doesn't Make it Hurt Any Less

Just because you may now be able to determine the reason your boyfriend cheated on you, it doesn't mean it hurts any less. In fact, it might hurt even more. So I want you to know, right now, that you can and will get through this. Many others have walked this path before. You might learn some tough lessons through the process, but you can come out on the other side of this stronger and ready for a healthy relationship.

In the meantime, God wants to help heal your broken heart. He promises this in the Bible:

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18 MSG

The only condition is that you need to look to God for help, pray to Him and share your feelings with Him

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. God’s angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him. Psalm 34:4-8 MSG

God is waiting to comfort you in your pain. It's up to you whether or not to accept it.

You know they are cheating on you, but what are you going to do next? Read - Your BF/GF is Cheating on You...Now What? 

 

How to Fix a Friendship

What to Say to Mend a Friendship

When you have been fighting with a friend, knowing what to say to mend a friendship can be difficult. If it's not clear where things went wrong, ask your friend to talk things over. If you've realized you made a mistake or hurt your friend, a clear and simple apology is best. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I really want to mend our friendship. Will you forgive me? Is there something I can do to make things right or do better in the future?"

If you have been hurt by your friend, let them know. It is a difficult conversation to have, but honesty is one of the things that repairs and strengthens friendships. It may take some time to practice forgiveness and rebuild trust. But when you are both willing to work on your friendship, it will get stronger with time. It's also helpful to remind yourself, and each other, what you are grateful for about one another, and about the unique friendship you have. Focusing on the positives is one way to get over the bumps in the road. If you or your friend need time or space, it doesn't mean your friendship is doomed. You can use that time to get support from a counselor, mentor, or someone else you trust to give you advice about friendships. 

Is It Worth Telling a Friend They Hurt You?

If you’ve been hurt by a friend, the first thing to do is take a big breath. And another. And another. When someone you love and respect hurts your feelings, it hits differently than when a stranger or acquaintance does. They know you and love you, so how could they have done or said something that hurt you? You might question whether or not they actually love you after all, or even like you! You might question the friendship. That’s why the big breaths are important—don’t make any rash decisions here.

Once you feel a little more calm, it’s time to reflect:

• Why did their words or actions hurt?
• Do you think the hurt was intentional?
• Do you think the hurt was avoidable?
• How would you have preferred your friend to behave?
• Had your expectations been communicated to this friend previously?
• Have your friend’s actions demonstrated love and respect for you in the past?
• Is this a friendship you’d like to keep?
• Will this hurt fester and create resentment if you don’t address it?
• What do you expect from confronting your friend about this?
• How will your relationship change if your friend isn’t sorry?

When you have reflected on what happened, you need to decide whether or not to confront your friend about hurting your feelings. Sometimes, it’s okay to give a good friend the benefit of the doubt—perhaps the thing they said or did was a total accident, or there’s no way they could have known it would hurt you. In this case, it may be okay for you to let it go without saying something.

Other times, hurt really does need to be addressed before your relationship can continue. Maybe trust has been broken, or you feel you need an apology to re-establish respect. Approach them with the respect you’d want someone to approach you with, explain how their behavior impacted you, and ask them not to repeat that behavior in the future. Hopefully, your friend will respond with love and understanding.

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

One of life's greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when your best friend is mad at you. Many a friend has spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend. Sometimes it's difficult to tell exactly what went wrong - if it's something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it's just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you.

So, what can you do when your best friend is mad at you?

1. Talk It Out with Your Best Friend

When your best friend is mad at you, the first and most important thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it's quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what's wrong between you.  Ask what he or she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it's your job to listen. Really listen and don't break in with your point of view. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you'll have of fixing your conflict. Jennifer agreed: The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.

2. Don't Get Defensive

The worst thing you can do is get defensive when resolving a conflict with your best friend.  Don't quickly react to what your friend is saying. When you hear your friend tell you what he or she thinks you did wrong, it's natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time for you to express how you feel as well. Don't forget this is your time to listen.  This is not a sign of agreeing; it is just a sign of listening!

3. Ask What You Can Do

It may take a while for your friend to express everything he or she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they're feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him or her say. For instance, "Am I right you're angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?" This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

The next thing you might want to ask is "What can I do to help mend the relationship?" Many times, your friend will have an idea of what they'd like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you're willing to do what he or she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, that your hurt friend may have a totally unrealistic solution to the problem. Don't make promises you can't keep. For example, if she says, "I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again." Don't commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic and unfair.

David said, Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground or walk away. Most people don't know when their expectations are unrealistic. You might find it helpful to say, "I don't think I can do what you're asking, but I could do this." Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn't want to respond.

4. Be Willing To Admit You're Wrong

If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It's easy to think that just saying I'm sorry is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don't mean them, or if you don't know why you're sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, I will forgive you before you assume all is well with your friend.
However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. He/she will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time this will prove to her you really are sorry.

5. Give It Time

If your friend doesn't want to talk about what is making him or her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be a good friend, even if he or she doesn't want to respond. A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs, but we're still friends. Even when she tried to pull away and we didn't talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had.

Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you're not sure they really care if you're friends or not. It's impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable.

Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution. You can't make anybody else do what they don't want to do. You might want to read this blog I wrote on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Try Your Best

We were created to live in a community with other people.  When God designed us he made us social and relational beings with the desire to love and be loved.  God created us in His very own image, so we have some of the same character traits as God.  And God is relational.  In fact, He wants a relationship with YOU!

God also knows how important it is to have good friends. The Bible talks about the benefits of having others in your life: It’s better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, but if there’s no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself, you’re unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 MSG)

However, it's important to recognize that sometimes we can only do so much to repair a damaged relationship. In the end, your friend is going to need to want it as well. God knew this and so he wisely advises us just to do our best to find peace. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through difficult times. So don't give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties, but know when it might be time to move on.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it's easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Work toward peace and ask God to help.

Further Recommendations

If you think your friend might be struggling with something beyond just your relationship, check out our eBook library for eBooks on all types of issues and every eBook has a section on how to help a friend who is struggling with that issue.

A lot of times, you do have a choice about whom you are close friends with, so choose them wisely. For more, read Choose Friends Wisely.

What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship

What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?

Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.

This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.

When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.

Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb

Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb.  Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.

The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.

What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?

First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.

How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:

• They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
• They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
• They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
• They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
• They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
• They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?

If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.

What Do Others Say?

Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice. 

Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22   He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14

Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.

Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents

The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.

They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.

Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.

What Do Parents Expect?

Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.

Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.

As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.

How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.

What to Know About Suicidal Ideation

What Is Suicidal Ideation?

Suicidal ideation is when you think about killing yourself. This could mean that someone is actively planning and considering suicide, or it could mean that someone is so overwhelmed that they just don’t want to go on. It’s estimated that about 9% of the general population experience suicidal thoughts, and around 5% of people between the ages of 18 and 25.

Those with health issues or other major life challenges are even more likely to deal with suicidal thoughts. Situational stressors like military service or being discriminated against can increase your risk of suicidal ideation, as can diagnoses of chronic pain, traumatic brain injury, substance abuse disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, and more.

Passive suicidal ideation is when a person wishes to be dead or hopes that it will happen soon but doesn’t make any plans to make it happen. This could look like crawling into bed for the night and hoping that you don’t wake up in the morning. This could look like thinking about how you wouldn’t have to face your problems if you were gone. It could also look like feeling so tired that you wish you could just “sleep forever.” Essentially, you may not necessarily want to die, but you do not want to live your life either.

Active suicidal ideation is when a person not only wants to die but fully intends to and may even already have plans for how to do it. While both are cause for concern and treatment, if you are having suicidal thoughts that include details about how you would commit the act, it’s important that you talk to someone ASAP. Please reach out to a Hope Coach today, or call 988 for support and 911 if you’re in immediate danger.

Do You Feel Suicidal Right Now?

I know life can be hard and problems can pile so high that we cannot see a way out. I want to give you some practical ideas to try when you are at the depth of despair and feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. When you feel suicidal, please try these four steps.

When you have lost hope and believe suicide is the only way out, please try these four ideas:

1. Reach Out for Help

I understand that finding the strength to do this can be really hard, especially if you also feel alone, but suicide prevention services are available to help.

• Chat with a Hope Coach
• Call or chat with the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
• Call your Contract for Life Partner or anyone who you trust...friend, pastor, parent, teacher, etc.

What Is a Contract for Life Partner?

Every person who is even remotely thinking of suicide, should have a Contract for Life partner. A Contract for Life partner is someone you trust and who understands you. This is someone you make a commitment to that says, I promise that if I have serious thoughts of killing myself, I will talk with you or with someone else I trust before I do anything destructive.

John is a survivor and here is his advice, "Don’t keep quiet if you are going to hurt yourself or others…please speak up. If you are feeling suicidal then talk to someone, don’t keep quiet about it. There is someone out there who will listen to you."

Keely said she has an older friend she calls when she feels suicidal thoughts coming on: I told her everything. And I told her that I need her help. Sometimes I just call to hear her voice to know I'm not alone. Other times, I ask if we can get together. She doesn't grill me, she's just there for me.

A Contract for Life partner is priceless because you can meet with them face to face or talk on the phone anytime. If you do not have one, please make it a priority to go looking for one today.

2. Refer to your Safety Plan

Take time right now to print out the Prevention Checklist and fill in the blanks of the Suicide Safety Plan. Then, whenever you have depression and suicidal thoughts, you can pull out your plan and follow what you have written down.

3. Remove whatever can harm you at that very moment

If there are guns, knives, and pills in your house, then RUN from your house. Get away from anything you can use to hurt yourself. This will buy you time to settle down and begin to think rationally. Some people are most suicidal when they are drunk.

Have someone you know, and trust clear all those things out of your house.

Wendelin said she was suicidal for over three years but was helped by knowing she wasn't alone:  I had a friend who was there for me no matter what. I tried to push this friend away so many times, she took away the knives and scissors I'd cut with, my dad's diving knife, my grandpa's gun, and the hose and rope so I couldn't hang myself. Even though I was so mad at her for it, I knew she cared and that she really did love me.

Glory wrote: I tried a couple of times but it never really worked. Then one night I realized something. If you can't change it, get over it. There are much better things to do in life than sit around hating life. God gave us life so we should use it. Killing yourself is only running away from your problems. It won't help one bit.

4. Turn to other Activities

The key here is to get your mind off of doing the unthinkable. If you are near suicide, you want to change the subject, or divert your mind from what you were planning to do. Walk, jog, bike, swim, take a nap, take a hot shower, watch a movie, listen to music, read a book, do household chores, clean, go shopping, go to the park, volunteer at an animal shelter for a few hours – An excuse to play with puppies? Yes, please! Anything that has the potential to help you lift your spirit.

Kelsey discovered this worked for her: I actually went and got a knife to kill myself and I just stopped and I was thinking this really isn't solving my problems is it? So I just decided to try to get into something like hip-hop classes, get my mind off my life, and just try to live life to the fullest.

You were made for more.

I know it feels like life will never get better, but I believe that you can get to the other side of this pain. I believe you were created for more than what you are feeling right now. God designed you in His image. He breathed life into you. He KNOWS you and LOVES you and has a purpose for your life.  It may not FEEL that way, but we can't always trust our feelings.

There is a man in the Bible who God says was a man after his heart. His name was David.  Yet David struggled with his feelings a lot. Read the book of Psalms and you will see what I am talking about.  For example, here is what King David said in Psalm 6:6-9, "All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies. Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer."  Here are other Bible verses to encourage you - Verses of Hope when Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts
There are many more articles on TheHopeLine regarding suicide and we want you to know you are not alone. You matter, you are good enough and you are loved.

If you or a friend need support right now, chat on-line with a Hope Coach, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you know someone who has thought about ending their life by suicide, you realize how hard it is to know what to say or do about it. Do you need support to help a suicidal friend?

Are they just joking? Do they just want attention? Or is something serious going on? The truth is, most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but people around them are either unaware of the significance of those warnings or don't know how to respond to them.

Kendra said she has thought about killing herself many times:  If I don't have anyone to talk to once in a while, to get my feelings out, I get really sad, because I feel like no one cares about me. I think about what would people think if I was dead, or would they be happier without me? I'd hate to think Kendra, or someone like her would kill herself because she feels no one ever showed her they cared. Perhaps you have a friend like Kendra who has said some things to you that sounded like she or he might be deeply depressed, or even suicidal. It's very important to recognize those signs.

Most suicidal individuals give definite signs of suicidal thoughts and intentions.

Make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously.

How to Help a Suicidal Friend

What Are Classified As Suicidal Thoughts?

When someone you know is struggling, it’s really hard to know how to help. A good place to start is simply educating yourself about the signs and symptoms of certain mental health issues and knowing what resources are available to someone in need.

Here are some of the signs to watch for. A suicidal friend may:

• Have mood swings.
• Talk more frequently about death or says things like “You’d be better off without me”.
• Withdraw from friends and family, or isolates more than usual.
• Engage in risky behaviors like unsafe sex, substance abuse, and self-harm.
• Experience drastic changes in behavior.
• Lose interest in hobbies, work, school, etc.
• Give away prized possessions.
• Lose interest in their appearance.
• Express a deep sense of hopelessness.
• Project a deep sense of serenity, or being at peace.
• Complain about being a bad person or feeling rotten inside.
• Have recently experienced a traumatic event like a breakup, death of a loved one, terminal illness diagnosis, etc.

If you have noticed things like this, or if someone has confessed to you that they are feeling depressed, here are some examples of what a suicidal person might say:

• “I want to die.” or “I wish I were dead.”
• "If I killed myself, then people would be sorry."
• “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.”
• “I wanted to say goodbye.”
• “When I’m gone, you can have my ___.”
• “If I was ever going to commit suicide, I’d do it by ____.”
•  "If I wasn’t around, no one would miss me."
•  "All of my problems will end soon."
•  "I won’t be a problem for you much longer."
•  "Nothing matters; it’s no use."
•  "I won’t see you again."

If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to encourage them to seek help. If they need support, you can help them reach out to a Hope Coach or call 988. If you suspect they’re in immediate danger, though, call 911.

It’s important to remember, too, that some people who attempt suicide display absolutely no signs or symptoms beforehand. You simply never know how a person is really feeling, so it’s a good idea to get in the habit of checking in on your friends and family often, not just when you think something might be wrong.

So, what can you do to help someone who has suicidal thoughts?

• Get involved. Be available. Show interest and support.
•  Don't be afraid to talk to them about suicide. Talking about it does not make it worse, but better. Be direct. Talk openly and freely about suicide.
• Be willing to listen without judgment. Ask, "Tell me what you are feeling?"
• Assure them that you understand that what they are feeling is very real to them, but that they are NOT alone.
• Let them know you aren't going to abandon them.
• If they haven't brought it up, but you are concerned they are thinking about suicide, ask them directly. Here's an example of how, "Sometimes when people feel the way you are describing they have thoughts of suicide. Is this true with you?" If they are, this gives them permission to talk about it and actually brings relief because someone else brought it up. If they aren't, they will rush to assure you they aren't.
•  Ask if they have a plan. If so, take them seriously and move quickly to get help. Remove anything that would help them carry out their plan guns, drugs, alcohol, knives, etc.
• Offer hope that alternatives are available.
• Provide them with a list of suicide prevention resources.
• Help them fill out the Suicide Safety Plan.

Things to Avoid Saying/Doing to Someone Talking About Suicide.

• "I think you're just bluffing. I don't believe you."
• Don't act shocked.
• "You're not serious. You're just looking for attention?"
• It is not helpful to just rattle off a list of reasons to live without first listening to what they are feeling.
• Don't dismiss what they are feeling.  It is very real to them.
• Don't be sworn to secrecy. Get support.

Nicole said her sister saved her when she felt suicidal: Because of her, I am still here. If you know anyone who you may think have depression or suicidal thoughts, ask him or her if everything is okay and comfort them.

The Most Important Thing You Can Do

It is not so much about WHAT you say. The most important thing you can do is reassure your friend that you love them.

That's what happened when Heather was feeling suicidal: I told [my friend] what was going on and he just kept telling me that he cared that it wasn't the right thing for me, that I had so much more to do with my life. But the thing that helped me was that he said he loved me. I had felt so alone, and no one had told me that in a while not even my mom. Remind your friend that no matter how awful their problems seem, they can be worked out, and you are willing to help.

Please make sure you take any threat seriously from a suicidal friend. Of all the people who have died by suicide, 80% have given some kind of warning. A person who you feel is at high risk for suicide should never be left alone, if even for a moment. Keep talking to that person and stay with him or her. Don’t feel like you have to handle this on your own.

Most times a suicidal person needs someone close to them to be a voice of hope. Amberly agrees: Sometimes all you need is to be loved and know someone is there to catch you when you are about to fall. You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love. Your efforts might just save someone's life.

There is value in being fearless and bold in the pursuit of your dreams. But for some guys, their dream is to date the most amazing girl they know to the point they don't know when to stop pursuing this dream.

So, let's have an honest look at when it may be time to give up.

How to Stop Pursuing Someone

Signs it May be Time to Stop Pursuing a Girl

In life, persistence often pays off. But when it comes to a guy pursuing a girl, it can be just plain confusing.

Danny wrote: There's this girl who I really like. But I have no idea whether she likes me or not. Sometimes she acts like she does, but other times she doesn't. I'm just confused.

Well, Danny - here are some obvious signs that it might be time to move on. But then keep reading for great tips on how to pursue a girl in a more appropriate way.

12 Signs to Move On

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KkcjSWlv-y8?feature=share

• When she obviously avoids you
• If you show an interest in her, but she seems to ignore you
• She acts one way around you, and another way around her friends
• No longer responds to your calls/texts/emails/snaps
• She asks you to stop
• Or tells you you're coming on too strong
• Your friends tell you to move on
• She talks to you about another guy she's interested in
• If she seems bothered, irritated or angry at you
• Your self-esteem starts to suffer for it
• You start to think you are going crazy about the whole situation
• If you're wondering if you should stop pursuing her, it's probably time.

Skye wrote: People need to use the common sense the good Lord gave them. When something in your head tells you not to do something, don't do it. You'll thank yourself later.

Roy wrote: Everyone I knew early on told us it would never work out, but I stayed with her to prove them wrong. In the end, it left me more broken and confused. Had I listened early on I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble and pain.

The most annoying guys are the ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her. These guys are usually so strongly attracted to something about this girl, that he thinks he's in love before he even knows her.

Bottom line - if it is taking a lot of effort to get her interested and she is showing no indication she likes you, it is time to back off for both of your sakes.

How to Tell if a Girl Likes You

How Do Girls Show Signs of Interest?

This is one of those times in life where it’s best to just get the awkward part over with. Instead of trying to read “the signs,” go talk to her! Ask her how she feels, and be direct. Is that scary? Yes. Will it help you figure out what you need to know? Also yes.

Waiting around to see if you can interpret her interest level based on eye contact or emojis is a recipe for confusion, hurt feelings, anxiety, and a whoooooooole lot of time spent guessing that could have been spent dating!

There’s a catch, though: you have to accept her answer, whatever it is. If you approach her and ask if she’s interested in you or if she wants to go on a date, and she says “no,” you need to respect that. Don’t think that she said “no” and then continue reading into her body language, wondering if she was really playing hard to get. Take her at her word, give your feelings some time to recover from the rejection, and then start focusing on the good things you have going in your life.

Here are some things you could try saying, texting, or dming if you’re sure you’re ready to know, once and for all, if she’s interested:

“Hey ______, I really like talking to you, so I’m just gonna come right out and ask, would you go on a date with me?”

“I’m nervous, so I’m gonna spit it out—I like you. Do you like me back?”

“How would you feel about dating me? I think it would be really nice.”

“I like you. May I hold your hand?”

Don’t overthink it. You’ve got this.

So how can you pursue a girl in an appropriate way?

Relationships take time to develop. You can't force your way into someone else's life.

First, just seek to be friends.

Give yourself time to get to know her. But even more importantly, give her time to get to know you. You deserve someone who is interested in you, as well.

Second, don't act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are.

That's a lot of pressure on a girl. She wants someone who is happy and confident in their own right.

Third, show her respect.

Most girls love to be pursued by a guy or viewed as someone special. Most of the time they appreciate a guy's persistence and confidence. But more than anything, a girl wants to be respected and valued. The more respect you can show as you pursue her, the better.

Fourth, give the chase a rest.

If you stop pursuing her, and give the chase a rest, you might find out the answer you're looking for. If she's interested in you, she may try to find out where you've been. She might actually become more interested in you, because you're not trying so hard. But you might also find that she doesn't care that you've stopped pursuing her. That's a good sign that you were pursuing the wrong girl. It's probably time to take a break, and hope that you can get to know each other as friends over time.

Fifth, relax.

Be relaxed in your pursuit of your dream girl. Don't act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are. Keep in mind there are plenty of girls in the world, some of whom will find you attractive and well worth their time.

Sixth, don't change who you are.

I know you like this girl a lot, but you don’t want a relationship that is this much work. You don't want to pretend to be someone else just to stay in a relationship. That's exhausting. You deserve someone who likes you just the way you are! Create healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are emotional markers that clearly define where one person ends, and the other person begins.

Healthy boundaries allow you to be free to be yourself, and not feel like your happiness is dependent on what another person thinks about you.

God created you just the way you are. You are uniquely you with your talents, sense of humor, interests, and style. God designed you with a purpose and has great plans for you. Don't let a girl ever make you question if you are good enough and if you should change.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Do you put yourself down all the time? Want to stop? Read this checklist of 10 ways to increase your self-esteem for a healthier self-image.

 

How to Handle Cheating

Do Relationships Survive Cheating?

Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.

If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships. 

https://youtu.be/KPJfA-KFujA?si=NnsQ4XWEwzc-8MkP

Reactions to Cheating

Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of  these thoughts crossed your mind:

"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"

"I hate them."

"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."

"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"

"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now!  I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."

"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"

It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse.  It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost.  It is rejection on a whole different level.

So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.

Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On

 

1. Don't waste time trying to get even.

One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true.  It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!

3.  Don't bear other people's guilt.

When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4.  Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship.  So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.

Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote:   If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.

Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.

Here’s the longer answer:

Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?

If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.

Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?

That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.

The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.

The Truth is You Are Exceptional

Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you.  So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth.  If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.

I hope you know how special you are.  If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18

You deserve more!  You were made for more!

For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.

Hannah wants to live for God. She’s 24 years old and wants to wait to have sex until she’s married. She’s had guys ask her out, but they’re not the guys she’s looking for. She’s feeling discouraged about waiting for the right guy, but she also doesn’t want to have her heart broken over and over again.

How to Wait for the Right Person

Discouraged with

https://www.thehopeline.com/dating-learn-more/

If you’ve been waiting for the right guy…

If you’ve been discouraged about the whole dating scene…

If you’re a Christian and want a romantic relationship, but want it centered on Christ…

Then this podcast episode is for you.

Our guest today is Hannah. She has specific things she wants in a guy. She wants him to love God and be serving God with his whole heart. Is that too much to ask? Is she missing out because she’s not dating guys who have asked her out? Stay tuned to find out.

Dawson: What about it, Hannah? What's going on with you?

Hannah: Well, I'm a Christian and I do have morals. I want to live for God in the way he wants me to

Dawson: What kind of morals do you have?

Hannah: Well, like, waiting for marriage and I want to find a good Christian guy, who's honorable and humble and loves God.

Dawson: A godly man for a godly woman.

Hannah: Yes

Dawson: And you're not, well, you're not willing to give up on that either. Are you?

Hannah: No, no, no, no. I think since I've made it this long, I think I can still push through, but I've just been feeling discouraged.

Dawson: Why are you discouraged?

Hannah: Well, I've had some guys who've asked me out, but they're not the type of guy that I'm looking for. I've had good men ask me out, but they're not Christian or they have tattoos or they're kind of crazy. So, I've just kind of said no, I'm used to saying no. So, I was just calling for some advice.

Dawson: How can I put this? I'll just put it out there. Dating is overrated. Studies show that you have to go through nine people before you find the 10th one, which is the one. I've read that. Think of all the heartache and confusion and the whole trajectory of your life could be changed if you date the wrong person.

What you're doing too is you're, you're protecting your marriage. So, when you do get married and have that wonderful first night. You're only getting in bed with one guy in your mind, not 50. You're not bringing your past with you is what I'm trying to get at.

Let me read you some scripture here. By the way, I think you're fine. I'm proud of you.

Hannah: Well, you're the only one, besides my parents.

Dawson: What are people saying to you? What do your friends say? You're crazy or what?

Hannah: Yeah, well they hint at it, like, your kind of weird. I've dated 5, 6, and 7 guys by your age or more. I just don't want to waste my time with the wrong guy. I want to spend my time with the right guy. It just seems that I'm not coming into contact with very many godly men. They're not the type of guy I'm looking for. And so I don't really know what to do.

Dawson: You know what you do? You actively seek the Lord. Let him bring the guy into your life. Because if you get in there and try, you'll just make a mess of things and little by little sell-out. I'm going to read you this scripture. And then I've got an idea.

Hebrews 10: 35-37 “Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great rewards.”

So, you're starting to feel underconfident about your position and I want you to be more com confident than ever.

“Where you have need of endurance so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise for yet a little while, and he who is coming will come and will not tarry.”

Gods got a boatload of blessings for you, but no wine before it's time. I’m going to ask my friends who are listening tonight to call in to encourage you to hold on. Would you like that?

Hannah: Yes, sir, that would be very nice, because I don't have much encouragement.

Dawson: Well, if all goes well and my friends do what they always do, they're going to call in and they're going to encourage you about this. I want to encourage you about this. Just think if you hold out, it can affect your marriage when you're 45.

Peer to Peer Advice For Hannah:

I'm proud of Hannah. There are so many people looking for a guy rather than looking for a God, looking for a woman, rather than looking for what the Holy Spirit can. Do you see what I'm saying?  Would you call in to encourage her?

It’s the Right Thing to Wait - Laura

Keep following her heart, her Holy Spirit-led heart. It's the right thing to wait, to keep praying for the spouse that God has for her. Because in that she'll be rewarded and encouraged and find a godly spouse that has the same kind of passions that she does.

My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. We were high school sweethearts, who met at church. I had thought about dating before, but never really did because I wasn't interested in having my heart broken over and over; so that eventually my husband would wind up with some sort of damage. I wanted to be as healthy and God-honoring for him as I possibly could.

And now it's really neat to get to see how healthy and happy and strong our marriage is because of our obedience. Right now, we're even getting a chance to foster a baby, which is huge for us, for God and our lives, to use us together for his glory and his purposes.

Dawson: What'd you think about that, Hannah?

Hannah: That was very encouraging. Yes, I feel the same way, I don't want to have to keep breaking my heart over and over again, because I do get attached to people very easily. So, I really don't want to do that, unnecessarily.

Dawson: Well, what does scripture say? “Guard your heart. For out of it comes the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) A lot of times we just dive in there looking for that one that'll love us, wall-to-wall love, living in la la land. And all we do is get hurt and take the hurt into our marriage. Now, if people have done that, taking the hurt into the marriage, that doesn't mean God can't heal it, but why do it if God didn't want you to?

The Best Thing You Can Do Is Wait – Dana

I have experience in not waiting. I'm unequally yoked. And I tell you, honey, the best thing that you can do is to wait, be patient. The Lord will reward you, just like Laura said. You will be so rewarded. It's hard to be unequally yoked. I was saved late in life and my husband isn't and it's hard. So, keep praying, find that man, that godly man. You'll be rewarded.

My First Marriage Was My Choice, My Second Was God’s - Christy

Well, miss Hannah, I have tried it both ways. I am in my second marriage. My first marriage was my choice, and my second marriage was God's choice, and we have seven beautiful children. I encourage each one of them to seek God first and let him send you who you're supposed to be with, because he will in his time.

Once I stepped back and learned that and started seeking him and the holy spirit. He put him right in front of me and we've been together almost 12 years now, married. And like I said, we have seven beautiful children, and three grandchildren. I understand you have friends and everything, but sometimes you just don't need to listen to them. You need to listen to your one true friend and that's our heavenly father. That's true. So, you just keep going the way you're going and stay strong.

Dawson: Hey Hannah, did you like that line? The first one was my idea, and the second one was God's.

Hannah: Yes

Dawson: And we don't have to listen to our friends if our friends, in fact, violate scripture. 

Hannah: Right. Yes. I have to say, my friends are really. They're not like me. They're all kind of living the way of the world. They’re not close friends, but they’re the people that I talk to. I find that I can't really have any close friends because nobody really like me. A lot of the kids in my generation, they're kind of letting me down.

Dawson: Well, you wouldn't have been the first one to have walked alone. Another saying I remember is, “Don't take counsel on how to win from losers.” You see somebody… and again we want to be gracious, we've all made mistakes, plenty of them… but they're just spouting out things that aren't of God.

Hannah: I've seen a lot of people pretend, or they like to believe that they're Christian and they go out and smoke pot or get in with the wrong crowds. And they think that they're living right.

Dawson: By their fruits, Jesus said, you will know them. He also said many in that day will say, “Lord, Lord, didn't I do great works for you? And I will say, “Go away. I never knew you.” Everybody talking about heaven ain't going to heaven.

God’s Got a Plan for You - Scott

The holy Spirit's just been working in my life lately and I'm a 54-year-old married, happily married with a godly woman. I'm out in front of dart wars, and my son is in there. He's nine and he's playing darts and I'm sitting in the car and, I heard your story. I didn't start until late in life. So, I got a lot of experience, in not living the right way, but God changed that in me.

My dad didn't live right till he was 50. When he did and God took his heart, he used to say to me, “Scott, God saves the very best for those who let him make the choice.” I'm listening to this program and I'm listening to the people speak and I'm watching the holy spirit move. And I just know that God's got a plan for you. You can find those people if you seek. Get around people in a church or a youth group and there are other girls that are needing somebody to walk with them. We do this together. We don't do it alone. God's going to place somebody in your heart. And he's going to place somebody in your life at the right time. He's preparing you for them and he's preparing them for you, but for you to call in takes a lot of courage.

Dawson: Hannah, you need to start looking at yourself as God's woman, a real shero in the faith.

Hannah: OK.

Dawson: The men come, and the men go, and they're overrated by the way, and God stands. There’s no man that can meet the needs that only God can meet. Men are nice and all that spice, but they're also messed up. We all are, right?

Hannah: Yes

Dawson: We were born into messed-upness. That's not a word, but it sounded good.

Write Your Requirements in a Letter to God - Oneida

My advice for Hannah would be to truly just love yourself and know that you're a precious jewel who God loves with all his heart. I kind of went through the same thing as you did. At 20 years old, I was pretty much ready, I wanted to be married young too, and I found someone. But you know what I did though? The thing that really truly helped me… because I was also lost… I found a way to get closer to God. I wrote a letter to him, simply telling him my needs and that I was really pretty much ready to meet the guy of my dreams.

So, what I did, was I wrote everything in there that I felt was important to me. And what I said was, God, I know that this is what I want, but I want you to give me what you want in my life. And so, months later I met the love of my life. Before that I kept control of that letter, every time someone would approach me to go on a date or something, if it didn't meet my requirements in that letter that I wrote to God, I would always decline it, simply because it was my commitment to God.

Dawson: That must have been some letter.

Oneida: Yes, it was really challenging because when you find yourself doing these things, it's like some guys just come all over the place, you know?

Dawson: Right, you were tested.

Oneida: Yeah. So, I'm like, so who do I go now with? I can't just choose anybody. So, then I just stuck with my letter and then I also put a ring on my finger and I said to myself, I'm married to God. So, this ring that I'm wearing right now, my prince charming will be replacing this ring whenever he comes.

Hannah: I actually wear one of those rings too.

Oneida: So, I wore it, and when my actual love now, my husband, asked me about it. He said, “Why are you wearing a, a ring?” I said, “Because I've been waiting for you to replace it. You are the one God sent for me and stuff, and you just simply need every requirement.”

 When we first got to know each other, he told me everything too, that he wanted in a woman, and we simply were a match. And for me, it's just simply truly what I follow - just to write a letter to God, value yourself, surround yourself with great people that would simply encourage you, and tell you, no, that is not the guy for you or something like that. You need to know to just stick with it. It's really hard. It's really challenging. We always have people telling us, “Oh, you know, the guy will come.” But it's really hard to know when that time will come.

Dawson: Well, God's not playing hide-and-go-seek on stuff like that. He doesn't stutter… when he's in the middle of it, you'll know.

Stay the Course, God Has Someone Special for You - Hillary

Hi. Yes. Hi. I just heard what the girl was just saying, and I have to totally agree with that, honestly. I went through a really hard relationship about a year and a half ago. And after that I was like, “OK, God, I'm done. Like, I'm done trying to do this on my own.” And I started journaling a lot and just crying out to God in my journal. I still do that to this day.

So, my encouragement to you would be like journaling and also what the other lady said, surrounding yourself with people who aren't going to tear you down, because God placed that in your heart. I really admire that in you that you want to stay pure, and you want to find the man for you and not go through all the heartbreak and pain and soul ties and things that you can get from other people. So, I guess I just wanted to say, to stay the course and that God has somebody really special for you because I'm holding onto that too.

We Need to Be a Complete Person When We Enter a Relationship - Princess

Hi Hannah. I just wanted to encourage you because as I was listening to you, there was such a sweetness that resonates through your voice. I know that God sees you because he sees your heart. And I think a lot of times we get so consumed with the way that the world frames relationships and where we should be and who we should date and how many people we should date and all of that, that we kind of forget that there's a place in our hearts, that even if you do marry and God brings the most amazing man that's just for you, that he still won't be able to fill up the space that belongs to God.

I remember when I learned that we have to be complete people when we enter into those types of relationships or into a marriage. I used to always hear you bring your 50 and the other person brings your 50, but you need to be a complete person, meaning you need to have your own identity. You need to know who you are, exactly what you like and who you are in Jesus. So that helps you bring a full plate to the table so that you guys can go out and live for the glory of God.

I get it. I am maybe what people would call an older woman that's not married. I'm not old. I'm 34 years old, but what I have found is that once I started to come out of my head and begin to learn who I am in God, then I realized that I wasn't living life. I was so focused on things that may not matter as much. And so that doesn't mean that relationships and marriage are not important, but it does mean that sometimes we can get clouded with things that kind of push us away from God.

So, be encouraged… love, love, love, find out what love is. And sometimes even if you have to dig deep and say, God, I want to believe you, or I want to hold onto this and I want to want you more than I want a guy or a relationship, but I can't do it on my own. So, I'm willing to be willing and watch God show up in your life.

It’s OK to Have Standards and Wait on the Right Guy

There’s a lot of pressure in our society to date and be in a relationship. Why do we put this pressure on ourselves and each other? It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to have standards and hold to those standards. It’s ok to wait on the right person. It’s more than ok to put God first, it’s what we are called to do.

I really resonated with what Princess said. She said it so well. We need to be complete people who know who we are in Christ first, before starting a relationship. And I love what she said… even when you have a good Godly man, he will not completely fulfill you, only Christ can do that.

When we are followers of Christ, we must die to our old selves. We now live for Christ. That’s a beautiful place to be, because you know what… God wants the absolute best for you and your life. He’s got a great plan and will unveil it in his time. He asks us to be patient and wait on him. That’s so hard to do but is so worth it.

Hannah, you are only 24, you’re not 54. You have time to find the right guy. God knows the desires of your heart. He says to wait on Him. If you wait on Him, trusting Him through the process, you will reap the rewards.

Thank you, Hannah, for joining us for this podcast. You stay the course and stay strong. You have a lot of support from all of us. A huge thank you to our rockstar peer-to-peer callers who gave Hannah encouragement….Laura, Dana, Christy, Scott, Oneida, Hillary, and Princess. Thank you to all of our listeners!!

Other Related Podcast Episodes on Dating:

Why Is It So Hard to Find a Connection with Someone? – EP 55

How to Avoid Sexual Temptation as a Christian – EP 42

Resources for Dating:

• It’s Perfectly OK to Be Single and Not Dating
• Don’t Allow Insecurity to Cause You to Settle
• How to Be More Content Being Single
• 36, Still Single, And Loving It!

Relevant eBooks on Dating as a Christian:

• Understanding Dating
• Understanding a Relationship with God and the Basics of Christianity

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine.

Until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life.