I talk a lot about how people seem to be in such a hurry to rush into a dating relationship. I always emphasize how important it is to develop a strong friendship as a foundation before heading into romance. Say you've done this, what's next?

Lucy asked our first 'best guy friend' question:

Does my best guy friend like me as more than just a friend? And how do I know if he is falling in love with me?

Maybe you are wondering, "Is this really love?"

Friendship and dating are very important. In the end, best friends make great marriages. That being said, since you didn't say what your feelings are for this guy, I'm guessing you don't have romantic feelings for him. So for him, this is unquestionably a very delicate situation.

If he is actually falling in love with you, he's probably scared and nervous about you finding out, since he doesn't know how you'll respond.

He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize the friendship you already have. That's a good thing.  Friendships are priceless and need protecting and nurturing so they will grow.

Here are a couple of questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. When you talk with your friend about other people who you are dating, or are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging, or does he become quiet and distant?

• A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.

2. Does he want to spend time only with you, or is he okay doing things with you and others? 

• A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

In the end, you will need to communicate with each other and define what your relationship really is.

Even though it may hurt him, if you don't have the same feelings for him that he has for you, knowing the truth is always better than not.

However you feel about him, I'm sure what you tell him will be filled with love and respect. After all, a good close friend of the opposite sex is priceless.

Rebecca brings us our next question about moving from friendship to dating:

How can you tell if the friendship should go to the next level?

The decision to take a friendship to the next level, from friendship to a dating relationship, has to be mutual. Both sides have to agree that they want to go deeper with the other person.

These Things Have to Be Talked Out.

Unless they are talked out, there can be confusion and hurt feelings. So whoever brings up the subject has put themselves in somewhat of a vulnerable position. Yet, good friendships can endure these trying times.

The Best Thing I Can Tell You is to Be Patient.

Let the relationship grow, and when you feel like you're ready, I'd encourage you to find a time when the two of you are alone, and try bringing up the topic. With a friendship based on honesty and trust, you will be able to face the challenge of being vulnerable.

The Right Thing to Say:

Try saying something like, "You're a great friend, and I don't ever want that to change. And honestly, I've always wondered if this friendship would ever turn into something deeper. But I'm not sure how we would know. Do you have any ideas?" Asking him for his opinion is a great way to show you value what he thinks and feels, and you'll find out if you're on track.

Let's assume for a moment that your guy friend agrees with you about taking the relationship to the next level. What then should you do? I would encourage you to sit down together and make a list of the things you have been doing that have made your friendship so strong. Commit to keep doing them, and your relationship will automatically grow. But be extremely careful about becoming very affectionate and sexual with each other. I have seen so many potentially great relationships ruined by the misuse of sex. As someone once said, if you settle for cheap sex, you will never discover priceless love.

Life is short. So be open and honest with your feelings, but be prepared for them not to be reciprocated. But with him knowing how you feel, you very well might open the door for him to start seeing you in a different, more romantic light.

 Still wondering if the feelings are mutual? Read this blog to find out if it's really love. 

Why Is It So Difficult to Find the Right Person?

Dating can be exciting, thrilling, fun but it can also be a total bummer! Trying to find the right person in the billions that are out there. Going out with different people all the time, trying to find someone you not only get along with, but you really connect with. It can be exhausting and frustrating! And when you can’t find the right person, it can make you feel as if you’re doing it all wrong.

This leads me to our guest for this episode of The Dawson McAllister Podcast, who is Heather. She’s 22 years old and wants to know why she’s never found a deep enough connection with someone that she’s ready to invest her life with.

• Is Heather doing something wrong?
• Is she spending too much time and energy on her career?
• Are there no good guys where she’s at?

Here’s Heather’s story:

I’m stuck in a little bit of self-doubt. I’m going between work and school and an internship. I’m finding myself in this position where I’m being offered a job that I’m really excited about. But with all of this progression in my life, I’m finding that my dating life is just not there. I go on dates, but I don’t seem to find any sort of connection. I don’t get the feeling that this is somebody to be spending my time with. But I feel that way with almost everyone and I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or that I should be feeling different or I should be more open?
It’s not like relationships are my main goal right now, I have so much going for me, but I sit there sometimes and wonder if I’m doing something wrong.

So, you want a guy in your life?

Sometimes I feel like it would be nice. I don’t have this extreme urge. I don’t feel like it’s life or death if I don’t have someone there, but yes, sometimes I think it would be nice.

So, you’re asking, how can I balance my work, my school, and yet also find that special someone?

Yes, how can I balance it all and how come I haven’t found someone, even though I’ve gone on date after date with so many different people. I have a very active social life, but I’ve never found that connection with someone that’s made me feel like investing in them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not taking the time, or I’m not going at it properly. I meet wonderful people sometimes, but at the same time, I get this doubt, and I think, maybe this isn’t where I want to be.

Peer to Peer Advice for Heather: 

Heather receives advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and want to encourage her.

You can’t make love happen. – Elizabeth

First off, she said she feels as if she was doing something wrong, and that she should be putting herself out there more. And I just want to say, if she feels in in her heart that something is truly not right, I really don’t think that she should be pushing it. Because about a year ago, I was in the same shoes as her, and I was just actively seeking relationships and pushing myself. I thought to myself if this guy likes me, how come I don’t like him.

I actually fell in love with someone else, and I was dating someone else at the time. I obviously had to break it off and be with the person I loved. I realized I can not make love happen. It’s something that happens on its own. If you get impatient waiting for it, the second you give up is usually the second you find the person. That has happened so often and that’s what happened with me.

I don’t think she should totally give up, but not feeling right about something is not the way to go.

You shouldn’t have to settle. – Chase

Heather, you’re only 22. You have so much life ahead of you. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you. You’re rooted in your career and you're ambitious. It doesn’t seem like you are desperate to find somebody. Of course, it’s always nice to have someone there for you, who cares for you, but you have so much time. As Elizabeth said, if the right person is not there, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or you're too picky. You shouldn’t have to settle. It just means the Lord hasn’t blessed you with the right person yet.

As far as balancing your work and career and searching for someone, the key is being rooted in the Lord…which sounds like you are. The biggest thing is to pray. When your questioning, Is this the right person? Do I need to settle? Pray to the Lord, and then wait and listen for His response.

Psalms has a great verse, “I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” (Psalm 63:5)

Think about the best dinner you’ve ever had at the nicest restaurant. Think about how you felt immediately after, that’s how we should feel with the Lord at all times.

It’s so easy to mark guys off your list that don’t meet all the criteria. - Jess

I can empathize with Heather. I’m also 22, going to school, and working full time. Although sometimes we are hesitant to admit it to people, because we’re scared at how they’ll look at us…it can get lonely. You do want someone who will love and care for you.

I just wanted her to know, even though this may not be a serious situation, it can be the one you think about that can bother you from time to time.

I’ve met some nice guys and sometimes when you have such a big future, and you have all these plans and you’re pursuing it. You meet people and you have this criteria list. You meet a guy and if they don’t fit what you’re planning for your future, we’re so easy to just mark them off the list. You keep waiting until someone gets closer and closer and eventually you want someone to meet that full list. It’s just not going to happen. You don’t have to go on date after date to find that.

God knows our deepest wants and desires – without us even saying it. Once we let go of what we want – our time, how we want it to happen, and when we want it to happen - what God wants will come so much quicker, because we’re not sitting there planning it. It can happen with a simple interaction on the street. It can happen in school. It just takes an open heart and an open mind. We have to let go of our time and our will, and just let God take over in that aspect because He’s there.

Singleness doesn’t have to be a burden. - Leonard

Heather, like you, I’m also 22. I’ve experienced what you’ve experienced, especially with the bright career and bright future that you have. I’ve dealt with what you’re struggling with - you have all these things and yet you want to share it with someone.

The biggest thing I had to learn this whole entire time, I have a career in law enforcement, and it does take a special someone. You have so many things going for you, it takes a special someone to be with you.

The biggest thing I want to encourage you is, your singleness sometimes feels like a burden, but it’s actually a great joy to pursue the Lord. In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, talk about the unmarried and when you are married or you have a relationship your attention is divided. But it also talks about a person that’s single. When we’re single, our attention is not divided. We focus on the Lord. We focus on Jesus, who is our first love. And that’s what I had to learn at first, because I’ve been in many types of relationships, trying to fill that void, with someone being there for me all the time. But the one person I didn’t fall in love with was Christ.

When I finally let Christ in, and I finally gave my everything to Him. And I put my focus on Him, I saw blessing after blessing. Not just with my career, but with spiritual blessings. I had that confidence to say, you know what, I’m not alone because I have my God. I’m not alone because I have Christ that lives within me. He knows the deep desires of my heart. He has blessed me with that special someone who is my girlfriend now. He’s blessed me with someone that understands what I do. And it’s like any relationship, it’s not perfect, but the foundation that we laid is a Christ-centered foundation.
I wanted to encourage you that the Lord knows your desires. The Lord knows the deep things that we crave. And He wants to bless you, but first, let’s fall in love with the blesser. Let’s fall in love with God first, and then there will be room for another one.

Don’t search too much for that “right guy”. - Ella

Heather and I have some things in common. The only difference is I have gone to the extent where I have regrets. I would advise her to be happy and be joyful in her singleness. Don’t search too much for that right guy. Because maybe it’s the time to focus on your school or that career and really learn about yourself, learn about God, and figure out who you are and what you are bringing to that relationship table.

A really good thing is to get plugged in with other singles. People in your church, in ministry or even if there is a single group – join. It’s really good to have other people uplift us and be there for us. For me, I want that relationship there, but it’s really not what is needed at the time.

Just focus on the important things right now – God, the work, and the school. God will put that special person there exactly when he needs to walk in, he’s not going to be a second too late.

I had to learn the really hard way. I’m 23 now. Looking back, I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but it has been hard. I encourage you to keep your focus on God. Keep it on God solely. If that person walks in, and you’re not ready, your relationship with God is not strong, it won’t be a good relationship even if it is the right person.

Open your heart to God. - Sarah

Her who and her when is in Jesus Christ. Keep Him centered in her time now. Open her heart to Him. What everyone has said so far is on point, focus on who He’s going to make you be and he will put that person there.

When It Feels Like You’ll Never Find the Right Person

I want to camp for a sec on what our first peer-to-peer caller said. Elizabeth said, You can’t make love happen. And she was right. At just the point when you stop looking, when you aren’t expecting it…that’s when love tends to happen. Love has a way of finding us, not the other way around.

The best line in this podcast so far is what Chase said, “Be rooted in the Lord.” If you are rooted in God, he will guide your steps.

And the cool part is that God sees the desires of your heart, Heather, and he wants to fulfill those desires. As scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Leonard said devote yourself to God and similarly Ella and Sara both said, keep your focus on God.

There must be something to this…rooted in God, delighting in the Lord, devoting yourself to God, and focusing on Him.

God sees that you want a relationship, Heather. He has the right guy for you. And I think it’s good that you aren’t trying to have a relationship with every guy with some appeal that comes along. Too often we get lonely and jump headfirst into a relationship only to experience heartbreak later on.

You are 22, not 52.
I know it can be lonely.
I know it can feel as if you’ll never find the right person.
But you will.
In the meantime, put your faith, your trust, and your hope in God. He never disappoints. He always has the exact right timing.

Resources for Dating:

• How to be More Content Being Single
• It’s Perfectly OK to Be Single and Not Dating
• How to Have Respect for Yourself – 8 Must-Know Tips
• 36, Still Single, and Loving It!
• Are You Afraid to Be Single?

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Dating

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
Dawson's podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out the relationship.

It's always fascinating to explore the differences between the genders.

Let's face it, no matter what anyone says, men and women are similar, but yet so different.

In fact, there was a big selling book called Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus which spelled out very clearly what makes men different from women. These differences can cause so much confusion for people involved in a relationship.

Why do Guys Brush off Emotions and Close Up?

Phillip asked, "Why is it that women tend to have so much stronger emotions than men?"

And Michaela asked, "When guys get emotionally hurt, why do they just brush everything off and won't talk with you about it?"

Unfortunately, society has told men it's a sign of weakness to express their feelings while it's much more socially acceptable for women to talk about their feelings. That may be a reason why so many more men end up with heart attacks...they tend to hold everything inside.

While every person is different, women tend to be more emotional than men. There's nothing wrong with that. Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out their relationship. But while there are exceptions, it is equally true men tend to express their emotions differently than women.

Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex.

Women Demonstrate Emotion

Women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling, and to demonstrate how they are feeling with their tears, facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language. Many women seem to be more comfortable figuring out how they feel by talking through it.

Men, generally speaking, tend to process their emotions inwardly. Many times, they don't know exactly how they feel, so they try to figure it out on their own...inside their head. Some men are afraid of their emotions and keep them buried inside in order to protect themselves from looking weak. Little do they know, that most women would accept and understand (and even appreciate!) an expression of their emotion.

Men Solve Emotional Problems on Their Own

Men are also more physical, and tend to work out their emotions by finding solutions, and doing things. The harm is when men keep stuffing all their feelings inside, letting them simmer and brew, and potentially eat away at them, eventually coming out as anger. There are tremendous benefits to getting your thoughts and emotions out in the open, in the context of a safe relationship, and not letting them destroy you.

There are differences between the genders. Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex, rather than get frustrated about the differences. We ought to celebrate them. Just think, what if there were all women in the world, and no men? Or all men in the world, and no women? The world wouldn't be a very fun place, would it?

So, we handle our feelings differently, now how do I understand what my boyfriend or girlfriend is thinking?

Do I Have to Read His or Her Mind?

Robert asked, “I have found that girls tend not to speak their minds. Why is that? When you ask, 'How are you doing?’ They may say, 'I’m all right,’ when they’re feeling completely the opposite. Do I have to read her mind?”

I have heard that same question from both sexes. Everyone’s deepest desire is to be loved by someone who knows everything about us and still loves us!

So it would stand to reason then that our biggest fear is that someone would know all about us and reject us. So we go back and forth with someone we care about. At some moments we dare to show who we are. At other times we cover up what we think might not be met with approval.

The key here is good communication.  If you are feeling frustrated by always having to guess how he/she is feeling, or exhausted by trying to read his/her mind, try gently asking them what they truly mean. In fact, your effort to discover what they are honestly feeling might assure them of your desire to really know them.

It’s also important to express your commitment when they reveal vulnerable areas of their life. Tell them how much you care about them, and how you desire to understand them better. We all long to be listened to and understood. If you are confused by what they really mean, taking the time to ask for clarification instead of just walking away in a huff will show real love.

Are you wondering what the secret is behind a healthy relationship? Find out here.

How to Know You're Ready for Sex

TheHopeLine has posted before on the topic of consent and its utmost importance when it comes to sex, and there’s a lot out there on how and why consent is so important. But how in the world do you actually say “no” when you find yourself in the situation of NOT wanting to give consent to a sexual encounter? This is one of those moments when you may not know exactly what to say, but you do know how you feel. Where’s a handy dandy script when you need one? Have no fear. Let’s try to figure out some phrases you can look toward if you’re ever in the situation of needing to communicate to someone that you are not ready to have sex.

Factors of Readiness

Of course, the first step to telling someone you’re not ready is knowing whether or not you’re ready. Setting your personal boundaries ahead of time and sticking to them when you are caught up in a moment is crucial. 

How do you know if you’re ready for sex? There are a number of factors to consider here, but I’ll start with three big ones: age, beliefs, and goals.

First Big Factor - Age

Have you heard of the age of consent? Humans have enough experience with the negative consequences of certain sexual encounters that we’ve written into law that nobody under the ages of 16-18, depending on which state you live in, can legally consent to have sexual contact. Period. That may sound arbitrary to you but do your research. There are good reasons for that stipulation, ranging from teen brain development stages to protection from abusers. If you’re under 18, it’s a good idea to wait. If your partner is under 18, and you’re older, you could even be convicted of statutory rape if it is discovered you’ve had sex with your underage partner.

Age is a pretty clear-cut way to determine whether or not you’re ready for sex.

Second Big Factor - Beliefs

A second big factor when it comes to sex: your beliefs. What do you believe about sex? Does your faith or spiritual beliefs consider sex a sacred bond between two married people?  If you’re considering having sex with someone, take a moment to ask yourself whether doing so would align with your beliefs about sex and intimacy. If you’re thinking about having sex, despite your beliefs, ask yourself why. Peer pressure? To please your partner. To make yourself feel better. Those reasons don’t sound like a recipe for enthusiastic consent to me which means you are likely not ready.

While saving sex for marriage may not be a popular opinion today, there are a number of important advantages in waiting for protecting your heart and your body. God wasn’t being mean when he designed sex for marriage. He was being loving. He created sex for pleasure, to have babies, and to bond a husband and wife together.  Soul ties are very real and even scientifically based. So, if your faith encourages saving sex for marriage, know that comes from a loving God.

Third Big Factor - Goals

The third big factor we’ll discuss here: your goals. Do you have goals in life? Finishing high school, going to college, traveling the world, going to outer space? Remember that sex can, even if you’re protected with condoms or birth control, result in pregnancy.

Do you have a plan for if that happens? Do you trust that your partner would support you in that situation? Do you have adequate health care at the moment, in case of pregnancy or STIs? By no means am I saying that someone with a baby or an STI can’t achieve their goals, it’s just something you should consider before you take the leap into sexual relationships––are you ready to face the potential consequences that come with sex? If not, wait.

There are plenty more factors to consider, but in my honest opinion, if you’re still wondering whether you’re ready, to the point where you’re thinking about it all the time and googling articles like this to help you decide, you’re probably not ready. You’re still very much in the process of exploring who you are and what your beliefs about sex are! And that’s an okay place to be. It’s also a perfectly good way to explain to someone why you’re saying “no.”

No Explanation Necessary

Not that you have to explain anything! Let’s get that straight. You don’t have to explain anything. A simple “no” is always enough when it comes to sexual consent, and someone who demands an explanation isn’t respecting your boundaries. But if you want to explain, your potential partner might appreciate it, and it could end up being a very bonding conversation for the two of you.

 If you’re not sure where to start with your explanation, here are a few “scripts” you can look at to get started. Feel free to make these your own and use them as a jumping-off point for what you’d like to say. If you’re nervous, you can even practice saying these out loud to yourself! Sometimes the very act of getting the words out of your mouth is the most intense part of these conversations, so don’t be afraid to allow yourself a little rehearsal.

Scripts

If you’re still struggling to come up with what to say, here are a few helpful scripts that might get you started. First, you can keep it simple: “No, I’m not interested in sexual contact.”

Anyone who won’t accept that boundary at face value is not worth your time. Read that again. If they “need” or demand sex after you’ve drawn that line, they are not a good relationship match for you, nor you for them. It may be time to consider whether you and this partner are good for each other. If they are accepting of your boundary, you want to explain that you are interested in continuing the relationship but not ready for sex, you can start with this script, and follow-up with one of these examples of how one or more factors go into your decision to wait: “I really like you, and I’m attracted to you, but I’m not ready to have sex with you because…

AGE:

I’m waiting until I reach the age of consent to consider sex, and that’s for both our safety.”

BELIEFS:

I’m waiting for marriage because of my religious beliefs, and I would really appreciate it if you could respect that.”

GOALS:

I’m not ready or interested in the potential complications sex can bring into our lives, like pregnancy or STI’s, and abstinence is how I’d like to stay safe from those things.”

You can even have this conversation with someone at the very beginning of your relationship, if you’d like to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start. To do that, try saying: “Before we get too serious, I want you to know that I’m waiting to have sex. Is that going to be a problem for you if we start dating?”

While you’re having a conversation about physical boundaries, remember that you’re not the only person involved who deserves to have those boundaries respected! It’s always good to check in with your partner on whether they have any they’d like to discuss, and then… respect them!

“I’ve explained my boundaries to you. Do you have any that you’d like me to respect?”

Finally, there’s always the chance that the person you’re talking to will push back or try to talk you out of your boundaries. In this case, I suggest you run away at full speed, but if you’re more of a walker, you might try saying this first to make it extra clear that you’re serious about your decision: “I’ve told you before that I’m not ready for sex. If you keep pressuring me like this, I’m going to leave.”

Just remember that if you say that, you’ve got to respect your own words and follow through. If they push back on your boundaries again, stand up, grab your things, and leave the situation. Go to a safe place and seriously consider whether or not that person still has the right to be in your life.

You’re Never Alone

Now, these scripts don’t cover everything you might need or want to say, but I hope they help you figure out how to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you’re not ready to have sex. If you find yourself still needing more time or help to parse through your thoughts on whether you’re ready or what to say, you can reach out to TheHopeLine and chat about it right now. This can be a stressful topic and a difficult time in life, but you’re not alone! We’re here if you ever need someone to talk to.

If you're not ready to have sex, you are not alone, read this article about rethinking "casual" sex and what to do.

Friends with benefits. This concept is nothing new, but I just have to wonder how it's working out for people. I mean, who really benefits? Is it a 50/50 benefit? What is the actual BENEFIT? Can there be friends with benefits and still friends after the benefits are gone? Can someone have sex, even casual sex, without it affecting them emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc?

Your comments have helped me better understand the entire issue. After all I've heard on my show and read in your comments, it's worth talking about.

So, what are friends with benefits?

Here's one definition I found: A friend with benefits is a casual relationship between two people who engage in sex without demanding or expecting a more committed, romantic relationship.

Other ways to define "friends with benefits"

It's sex with a friend...

• With no strings attached.
• Just for fun.
• Without romantic drama.
• Whenever you want it.
• Without emotional attachment.

One student described "friends with benefits" like this, "You know, you go out on a date - dinner and a movie sometimes. You know, just as friends. And then afterward, there are the benefits. It's like a drug almost. You know where you can get it and you know where you can get it CHEAP. And that's where you go."

Hmmm...It is "like a drug" and it is "cheap". Those are not words I would use to describe a friendship that is mutually rewarding and beneficial.

Christina gave a female's perspective of what she thought "friends with benefits" are, "I am currently in a friends with benefits thing, but it's more like we're casual sex partners. I wasn't sure it was possible, because I tend to get really attached, but managed to stay distant."

Again, "casual" and "distant" don't describe a meaningful relationship with healthy benefits.

Why Do People Want "Friends with Benefits"?

No Commitment

There are some people who are fearful of a committed relationship. To them, commitment is something scary. Maybe they have been abandoned in the past or hurt by someone they committed themselves to and so now they are afraid to trust anyone again. Because of their fear they miss out on a truly meaningful relationship. You can read more about abandonment issues here.

Fear of Rejection

There are many people who are afraid of being rejected. This is especially true in romantic relationships. Some people have been rejected by parents or bullies at school. These people are very cautious about relationships. Jennifer explained it well, "I think a lot of people have friends with benefits instead of relationships because they don't want to get close to anyone for fear of getting hurt."

It's A Drug

Physiologically the act of sex causes a chemical reaction in the brain that is similar to a drug effect. God designed this to happen during sex so that within a committed relationship two people would be drawn together for life. When it is used casually it becomes a dangerous and unhealthy addiction rather than a relationship.

Does Meaningless Sex Exist?

It is easy to see why so many people might think they want a "friend with benefits" experience. They think it is just the fun with none of the emotional, caring stuff attached.

However, the reality is sex is never meaningless. It is impossible to connect with someone through sex without your heart being involved at some level...even if it is to harden your heart. So, in the end you walk away from a friend with benefits relationship with a temporary "fix", but completely unfulfilled or even deeply hurt.

Why would you do this to yourself? You deserve more from a relationship and you can have it. Stop treating yourself like you are not worth a commitment. Perhaps it is time to deal with the real issue, which is healing from past experiences and relationships.

For more on sex and dating frequently asked questions, read this blog next. 

I’m Feeling Scared in My New Relationship

“I left my husband. He was very physically and mentally abusive. I’m actually seeing a guy now and I don’t really know what to do. I think my past relationship is hindering me because it’s a very big transition from being physically and mentally abused to this guy who seems great, but I’m scared.” – Angel Hope

In this episode, we’re talking with Angel Hope. She made the brave decision to leave her abusive husband. Now, that she has left him do you think it’s wise for her to start dating right away? We’ve got a mixture of opinions on that from our guests. Here’s more of Angel Hope’s story.

She explains what happened between her and her husband: “We got in a big argument one night, and he ended up trying to strangle me and I bit him, and the cops got called. I didn’t tell the cops what happened with him, because he’s military. I ended up going to jail for 4 days and I’m fighting it as a criminal case now for self-defense.”

Her Relationship is Shot!

She’s not officially divorced yet. In North Carolina, you have to be separated for a year and a day before you can get divorced. So, she has 6 months to go.

Angel hope is seeing a guy now but is confused. She feels her past relationship is hindering her. It’s a big transition from being physically and mentally abused to this guy who seems great, but at the same time, she’s scared.

She says, “I feel my actions could hinder us in our relationship. I have to sit down with him tomorrow because I ended up sleeping with him last night for the first time. I woke up this morning, really scared, thinking, what have I done. So, I left. He called me this morning and said, “Are you alright?” I said, “I’m not sure.” He said, “Do you want to come over?” I said, “Yes.” I didn’t explain anything to him of what happened.” He said, “We’re going to have to sit down tomorrow and talk because something’s off.” I don’t know what to do and what to say. I’m really scared. I don’t know if I’m right to be with this guy while I’m in a separation.

Too Much Too Soon

Dawson: Let’s say you are a track star, and have a chance to break the record for whatever event you are in. But you sprained your ankle badly. It makes no sense to try to get up and run the next day, does it?
Angel Hope: No
Dawson: You’ve been traumatized. You don’t even know the extent of your pain, your humiliation, and your fears. They're just starting to surface now. I don’t want to be negative but you’re not well.
Angel Hope: I know.
Dawson: But you’re trying to act as if you are well.
Angel Hope: Exactly.
Dawson: Excuse my flippantness, but you are no more ready for sex than the man on the moon. There’s all this intimacy that brings out all kinds of feelings. And it’s not fair to the guy, but more importantly it’s not fair to you. You’re uncovering issues before you get all your other issues dealt with.
Angel Hope: Yes. I don’t know what to do.
Dawson: We’ve got to get back to the foundation. You’ve gone from one relationship to another with no time for healing.
Angel Hope: It’s been 6 months.
Dawson: That’s not long enough for what you’ve been through. It’s not fair to your new boyfriend. It’s not fair to you. You need to be taking your time working on your healing. But you’re going in the opposite direction.
Angel Hope: How do I do that? How do I heal?
Dawson: First thing you do is break up with your boyfriend. Are you open to doing that? You really don’t know this guy. And things got really complicated last night. You are your own worst enemy…trying to drink from an empty cup.
Angel Hope: And drowning myself.
Dawson: You absolutely are. This relationship is premature at best. You need to get into some kind of counseling. The sooner, the better. Remember there’s still trauma ahead of you with your ex.
Angel Hope: I know. I hate him so much. Also, he stole my emotional support dog from the people who were watching him. And he ran him over, around the same time I had a miscarriage.
Dawson: That makes my advice even stronger. Let’s say you're with guy #2 and you’re very much in the romance stage with guy #2. Eventually he’s going to remind you of guy #1. I’m not saying he’s going to beat you and run over your dog, but he’ll remind you of him.
Angel Hope: I’m drowning, and I don’t know how to get up.
Dawson: We’re going to go to your peers and see what they think.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Angel

Angel Hope gets advice from her peers.
Go to a Crisis Center – Heather
I’ve been where you’ve been. I’ve been single for a year now. I don’t think it’s a good thing for you to have a boyfriend. You need time to heal. You need time to cope. The best way I did to cope, I signed myself into a crisis center. I talked with people about what I was going through…the mental, physical, and verbal abuse. Go back to counseling again!

You Need a Really Good Support System – Allison
I just went through the exact same thing; except I was not married, and I was 16. I’m 18 now. I went through this really abusive relationship, and it was awful, but I didn’t know how to leave that. I think you should stay with this guy, because he might be what you need. He might be your support system. You need to sit him down and tell him everything that has happened to you. I’m diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Going to counseling has helped me immensely. So maybe you need to get in with a counselor.

Trust me you need to get into a small group type thing too. I run a Bible study and that has helped me a lot. I talk about anxiety and PTSD in my Bible study. You need to get a really good support system, because that’s what has helped me.

Discover Inner Peace - Jessica
Check this new guy out, before you go all the way in with him. He might not be the one you are looking for. He might hurt you, so check him out. Find something to help you cope, for me, boxing is therapeutic and helps me with my anger. Find something that helps you with your inner peace. Find a good support system. I have a friend who is amazing and gives me so much positive energy. Find friends to give you positive energy. If you feed off of negative energy, it will do nothing but weigh you down, and you don’t need that.

Explain Everything to the New Guy - Robert
I’ve been with my girl for 5 years and she’s been through a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. It took a while for me to gain her trust. She didn’t want to let her guard down, which is understandable. It took time. If this second guy loves you and respects you the way a guy should, he’ll understand. I would talk to him and explain it all and he could be a good support system for your healing.

Find Yourself First – Jimmy
It’s very disrespectful for a guy to do that to a woman. It’s just someone who doesn’t have morals or respect for another human being.

Your very young Angel Hope, you have a whole life ahead of you. Find yourself before you do anything. There are men out there all over, but you have to find yourself, your inner peace first. You must find God in your heart and let Him work with you. God can help you and take care of you. It takes time to heal. If you take time, and find yourself first, then everything else falls into place.

Freedom of Being Single

Angel Hope, you’re 19, you can work on the foundation now, even if you have to be single for a few years. Think about being strong enough to be single and not have to have a guy to feel good about yourself - the freedom of being single.

It’s Unanimous – Get Counseling and Work on Your Healing

We are behind you, Angel Hope! And It’s unanimous… we all agree, you need to work on your healing and go to counseling!
There are 2 different approaches here to dating again. Dawson, Heather, Jimmy, and I think getting into this new relationship is too much, too soon. We are in agreement that you need to work on your healing and yourself first before complicating your life with another relationship. It’s hard to see clearly and know what you want when you’ve been battered and bruised both physically and emotionally.
But on the other side of that Allison and Robert say you should tell the new guy you’re dating what you’ve been through, and he could be part of your support system. Angel Hope you are a smart girl; we know you are going to do what you need to do and work on your healing. Remember, God will be your strength, comfort, refuge, and will give you peace as you trust Him!

Resources for Abusive Relationships:

How to recognize the signs and types of abuse: https://www.thehopeline.com/topics/abuse/
Help for healing after abuse:

• One Day at a Time: Healing After Abuse
• Abusive Relationships: Will I Ever Be Back to Normal After Leaving Abuse?
• Staying Hopeful After Abuse and Assault

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

Should I Have a Relationship with My Addict Father?

Marie’s dad was addicted to crack when she was little. He stole from her. He was never really involved in her life. Now, she wants to be a part of his life, but at the same time she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

The struggle is real when you’re the child of an addict. You want to have a strong bond with them. You want them to be the parent and you get to be the child, but more oftentimes you end up having to be the parent because their life is a mess, and they aren’t thinking clearly. It’s important to protect yourself, when your parent isn’t able to do that for you, and sometimes that means protecting yourself from your parent. We’re going to hear more from Marie, as she explains the inner battle, she’s dealing with…of wanting to have a relationship with her father, but not being able to.

I Don’t Want My Father Taking Advantage of Me

My dad and I have always had an on and off-again relationship. He was addicted to crack when I was little, so I never really had a relationship with him. Then a few years ago, he turned to synthetic marijuana, and it’s made him a completely different person. He manipulates people. He has a 70-year-old girlfriend. She paid all of his fines for him and gave him thousands of dollars. He steals from me. He asks me for rides and stuff. I just want to be part of my dad’s life but at the same time, I don’t want to be taken advantage of. He was living with me and my mom for a couple of weeks, and today was the last straw. My great uncle had passed away 2 weeks ago, and now he’s taking advantage of my great uncle’s girlfriend. Now, she’s paying his fines, she’s giving him money, she’s giving him everything of my great uncles and he’s selling it.

I’m Worried About My Father Dying

I’m more worried than anything, because I’ve always had to be the parent in the relationship. I’m worried because I think he’s going to die. Two weeks ago, we had an argument and he told me he was done, and he almost died in the middle of the night from smoking synthetic marijuana. He’s okay with it. He told me I disrespect him, whenever I don’t give him my money, or I don’t do certain things for him.

I’m Angry with Him

I’m angry with him. He told me he was going to change this time. That he wasn’t going to do that. That he wasn’t going to leave me again, and I believed him. I’m mad at myself because I believed him.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Marie

Marie wants to know how to cope with an addicted parent. Do you have advice for her? There were some who wanted to encourage Marie and some shared how they coped with having addicts in their lives. Sonya confirms to Marie that she’s doing the right thing when she doesn’t give in. Carline wants to make sure Marie protects herself, stays safe, and encourages her to pray over her father. Eddie says Marie needs to not only forgive her father for his many mistakes but also forgive herself. And Margo thinks the best thing Marie can do is show her father she loves him.

Don’t Give In – Sonya

I feel for what you’re going through. I went through something similar, not with a parent, but a significant other, who had an addiction I really didn’t know of, until later on in the relationship. I was convinced at that moment, Marie, that God was not going to allow me to be in a position that he had not prepared me for. You need to believe that whatever you’re in, God has equipped you to handle. He is using you as an instrument to bring some sense into your father’s life. You are doing the right thing when you don’t give in. God doesn’t want you to give in. God wants you to stand your ground in faith and believe that what you are doing you are doing out of love for your heavenly father and your father here.

I have the sense, Marie, that you are a very wise, young woman. Use that wisdom to ask for God’s guidance and He will lead you. It’s not going to be an easy walk. It was not an easy walk for me. There was a lot of turmoil, but I know that God would not want me to give in. I went through some verbal abuse, it was horrible.

Four years after, the story is entirely different. I owe that to my father in heaven, who made me feel like he was on my side, and I was doing the right thing by not giving in. I called out my significant other on everything he was doing that I knew he should not be doing. Sometimes, I felt like his mom. It didn’t feel right, but it did feel right because I was doing the right thing. If God has given you this responsibility, it’s because he has equipped you for it.

Keep Yourself Safe – Carline

I have to speak with you from the heart of a grandmother. I’m expecting my first grandchild this year. So, what I’m telling you, I’m telling you with love. Keep yourself safe. Do not be afraid to call 9-1-1 for your safety, for your father’s safety.

Pray Over Him

Pray over him. Pray over yourself and get close to the Lord. He said, if you draw nigh unto Him, He will draw nigh unto you. (“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” James 4:8) So, please, Marie, pray over your father. When he is angry, show him love and patience and unconditional love and respect and the Lord will keep you safe. Trust in the Lord.

Forgive Yourself - Eddie

I’m speaking as the adult child of an addict, and a recovering addict myself. I’d like to congratulate this young lady for having the courage to do what’s she’s doing. And I would suggest you forgive yourself, because all the things that are happening to you are not because of the things you have done. It’s nothing to do with what you’ve done. You have to forgive yourself, and don’t hold it against yourself that your relationship is not a good one. This is what I had to do. I had to understand that my family was toxic to me, and I had to love them at arm’s length. Think about that and I also recommend you find a 12-step program. Those programs are ordained by God, and I think they would help you a lot. They changed my life entirely.

The best thing to do is show him love – Margo

The only thing she can do for him is show him love. Show him that somebody does love him. It can either go bad or it can go good. I know that with love, hope and faith good things are possible.

Lean on God for Strength and Support

Marie as Sonya said to you, God will equip you with what you need to handle this, as you seek Him for wisdom and guidance. Don’t try to do it all on your own, lean on God for strength and support. Ephesians 6:10 says, "Let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong." 

What do we know when dealing with an addict?

You have to set boundaries. Addicts will use every trick in the book, even if they are your parent to feed their addiction. That is their number one goal…to feed their habit. You have to set boundaries with your dad and stick to those boundaries like super glue sticks to fingers. Otherwise, he will continue to take advantage of you. One example Marie of a boundary you need to set is to not give him any money. You can offer to cook him dinner, or buy him a meal, but under no circumstances give him cash. This is just one example. You also need to let him know he may not use around you in any circumstances and limit his staying with you.

Love is Powerful

Eddie and Margo both told you Marie to show him love and absolutely that’s what you should do. Love is powerful. It’s what God does for us, loves us with a never-ending unfailing love even when we act like babies and rebel and sin. You can love your father, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect yourself, and not giving him control over your life. He will have to come to the end of himself in order to change and seek help. He doesn’t seem quite there yet. He might not be ready, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy, stable life. Stay strong in the Lord, Marie, and continue seeking help and getting as much support as you need so you can stand firm on your own convictions.

Resources for Substance Abuse:

For hope and help in overcoming substance abuse and addiction, download our free eBook: Understanding Substance Abuse.
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.
Other podcast episodes you might be interested in:

• How to Deal with Verbally Abusive Parents EP 25
• How to Deal with Anger EP 23

Also, check out my blogs to help you work through addiction:

• Family Addiction: I’m Angry About My Parent’s Addiction
• Someone I Love Has an Addiction: Can I Help?
• Addiction Recovery: Why Does Addiction Happen?
• How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

 

I Went Down a Path I Never Thought I Would

Ashley shares her story:
Ashely: I’ve been an addict for about 10 years now, and I’ve been clean for a little over 2 months.
Dawson: Time out! You are 25 and you’re telling me, you were an addict at 15?
Ashely: Yes, I was.
Dawson: Addicted to what?
Ashely: Opiates and heroin
Dawson: Opiates are big now, aren’t they?
Ashely: Yes, they are.
Dawson: People are dying all over this country just horrifically.
Ashely: I know, it’s heartbreaking.
Dawson: So, you were an addict at 15?
Ashely: My mom was killed when I was 13 years old. I started doing drugs to escape reality then my reality just became way worse from then on. I was addicted for years, and very very lost. I went down a path that I never ever thought I would go down. I know a lot of people can relate to that. I did things I never thought I would do. I ended up in jail about 3 months ago, and I spent 3 weeks in there.
Dawson: Why were you in jail? What’d they get you for?
I rededicated my life to the Lord in jail and I’ve never felt so free.
Ashely: I have a son. He’s 1 year and 3 months old, and I got a chemical endangerment charge because I was using when I was pregnant. They put me on drug court, and I did not get sober. I skipped drug court and they arrested me. And it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I rededicated my life to God when I was in jail. He saved my life and turned it around. I’ve never felt so free. It feels so good now to wake up and not have to have something other than His Spirit to make it through the day. I never ever thought I would be here.
Dawson: Did you get your baby back?
Ashely: I have not yet, but I know God works everything out is His timing, and according to His will. I’m waiting patiently. I know He’s going to work everything out for my good. I’m just having to be patient and have faith in Him. It’s not easy to do sometimes, but I have faith it’s going to work out.
Dawson: When did you originally come to Christ?
Ashely: I grew up in church off and on, but I got a personal relationship with God when I was about 18 years old. I’ve been on and off since then, but I’ve always known God. I’ve always known He was there. I’ve just fallen short and let guilt and all of that pull me away.

Peer to Peer: Encouragement for Ashley

Ashley has turned her life around, but I know she’s got some tough days ahead. We asked for encouragement for her and received these amazing responses.

I understand struggles. You are so much stronger than you believe. ~ Macey

Macey – “I just wanted to share a verse that has helped me out a lot in my life. Although I don’t fully understand what she’s going through, I do understand struggles. And it’s Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And I also want to remind her that she’s so much stronger than she believes. I forgot that a lot. I used to forget how much power I actually have. God’s given you a ton of power. You have the power to say, ‘You know what? I’m over this. I’m done and I don’t want to struggle with this anymore.’ You have the power to stand up and leave that behind.

I recently was saved from depression and anxiety just a couple months ago. I was 1400 miles away from home. I had one aunt there with me. I was laying in bed, and I was broken. I didn’t have anything. I was done. I didn’t have the energy for the next day and that’s where God met me, like he met her. He gave me just enough for the next day. I survived that day, and then he gave me just enough for the next day. He continued that for about 2 weeks, until I looked back and I’m like, whoa, that’s not even a thing anymore for me. Sometimes it takes that… just getting through one day at a time. It’s okay to do that too.”

Jesus said, let’s live one day at a time. In Matthew 6:34, he said, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

I’ve wasted so much of my life. I want so much more for you. ~ Wendy

Wendy – I’m a little bit older than your usual demographic. I could hear a lot of myself in Ashley. God bless you, Ashley! I have struggled with that for 23 years…legal opiates, medical problems but it turned into an addiction.

First of all, I wanted to thank you for encouraging me. When I heard you say, now when I get up in the morning, it’s God that’s enough to get me through the day instead of the other junk.

I feel like I wasted so much of my life. I want so much more for Ashley, having gone through that for 23 years. It will be a struggle for the rest of my life, but that’s because Satan is always wanting to bring us down. God has amazing plans for me. God has amazing plans for Ashley. And that is why Satan uses all kinds of vehicles, but he uses this vehicle so much these days.

I understand the lie of these opiates are going to get me through the day. I’m not going to feel very much pain. I’m going to feel happier. There’s so many lies that only someone who has struggled with that understands. It seems like it makes sense. That’s what I need so I’m going to do anything I have to, to get it. It’s just such a lie. I wasted 23 years of my life, but the rest of my life belongs to God, and my family.

I’m going to be keeping Ashley in my prayers, and I want to thank her for encouraging me. I just want to encourage her, don’t spend the next 10 years of your life like I did in that cycle. It’s a vicious cycle. You end up lying to everybody just to get your fix.

However, you can get it, because for me, what the doctor prescribed turned out not to be enough. I don’t know the opiates she struggled with but it’s the same demon. God’s life that He has for her is so much better, and it doesn’t have the daily struggle, and the lies. Her life is precious! She has so much more to live for. God has so much bigger and better plans for her! Please don’t go down the same path I did.

I found my relationship with God over again and it has completely changed my life. ~ Breanna

Breanna – I am a 27-year-old mother of a beautiful 4-year-old. I myself have been a heroin addict for, probably since I was 16, so right around the 10-year mark myself. I just celebrated 2 ½ years clean!

It took me going to prison and completely relocating myself out of California. I had to hit rock bottom and have my daughter.

Somewhere in all of the chaos, I found my relationship with God over again and it has completely changed my life.

Living completely sober day-to-day and being a mom, living life on my terms is hard, but it’s so worth it. It’s so worth it! I have struggles and life is hard, but when I look into my daughter’s eyes…it’s everything that keeps me going. My mom was an addict too. And so I want to give my daughter the life I never had.

I know you have a baby boy out there, and just like you said, in God’s time everything is going to happen. And I’m going to be praying for you, and for God’s favor to come over your life. I know you have 2 months clean, and I hope you turn this 2 months into 6 months, and 6 months into a year.  Living life clean and sober, being a mom is wonderful. I never thought I would have this beautiful apartment that’s mine, a vehicle outside, a job.

A Key to Addiction Recovery is Total Surrender to God

We asked for encouragement for Ashley and boy did we get it! I love what Macy, Wendy, and Brianna all said. They were so encouraging!

God’s plans are always better than our plans. And as much as drugs have a strong pull, God’s power is stronger than any drug.

Macy shared a key to addiction recovery, and that is total surrender to God. She surrendered to God and then He gave her what she needed for that day. In the Word, God says today’s problems are enough for today, so don’t worry about tomorrow. God says to you in your struggle: I’ve got you today. Rely on me and my strength to get you through.

Ashley completely changed her life around. Going to jail led to her rededicating her life to the Lord, and that in turn led to a complete life turnaround. That’s what God does for us. He takes our brokenness and makes us whole.

Does your life need a major change?

The Lord wants to do a revamp of your life and change you from the inside out. He wants to be your Savior and save you from a life of sin. Ashley rededicated her life to the Lord, meaning she made a commitment to follow after God again with all of her heart, mind and soul. She admitted she needs God. She confessed her sins. Then she thanked God for all he has done for her and asked Him to be Lord of her life. If you’ve fallen away and want to rededicate your life to the Lord or ask him to be your Lord and Savior for the first time, then pray this prayer along with me:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I believe your Son died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead. Jesus, come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I willingly give you my life. Now, Father, help me do your will. Thank you for saving me! In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
If you asked Jesus into your life for the first time or rededicated your life, I’m so excited for you! God is going to love on you, guide you, and help you!
If you have questions about all of this…please ask. You can chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.com any night of the week. Access chat at TheHopeLine.com/gethelp.
We also offer lots of different types of help for addiction recovery. Find it all here. 

More Help and Resources for Substance Abuse:

Free eBook: Understanding Substance Abuse

Article: How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing
Verses of Hope: Bible Verses About Substance Abuse
TheHopeLine Partner: Celebrate Recovery (Hurt, Pain or Addiction Recovery Program)
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

Just Friends vs. Dating

Being "just friends" with someone from the opposite sex that you can just hang out with, while avoiding all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama, can be a real blessing. I wish every teenager and young adult could experience a friendship with someone from the opposite sex with no strings attached. It's possible to have a "just friends" relationship, but so many people are looking for that perfect romantic one. That boyfriend or girlfriend that's going to sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. In the meantime, they lose out on all the good times a relationship that's "just friends" could bring them.

I get tons of calls on my radio show about boyfriend/girlfriend drama and broken hearts. Sometimes, the consequences of bad dating relationships can be hard and life-changing, like unintended pregnancies, STDs, and abuse.

I find myself saying to many of these callers, "You don't need a boyfriend. You need a boy you can be “just friends” with. The same is true for guys. We think we need that special girl, but often we simply want a woman in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.

What I'm trying to say is having a friend of the opposite sex is a huge gift to you and can be far healthier than the drama of dating.
Today I want to look at the benefits of "Just Friends" relationships along with the challenges these relationships might face.

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

The comments I received about the advantages of being "just friends" fell into two primary categories.  The first four reasons point out that these relationships tend to be genuine, supportive, quality relationships that you can depend on. The next three reasons have to do with the benefits of having no "romantic" pressure.

Quality Relationships

1. You tend to respect your friends more than the people you randomly date. People who have Just Friends relationships tend to take care of their friends more than people they just randomly date.  I'm best friends with a guy named Mikey and he's awesome. We respect each other. We know that we don't want anything to ruin what we have. (Angelica)

2. "Just Friend" relationships tend to be more like brother/sister relationships. Everybody needs a brother or sister, but let's just suppose for a moment that you're a guy who doesn't have a sister or a girl who doesn't have a brother. Or perhaps you don't relate well to your brother or sister. Just Friends can help fill the gap for those who have never experienced a good brother or sister relationship.  Just Friends' is like having a brother or a sister for those who didn't have a sibling of the opposite sex. (Christy) By the way, if you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, you are truly blessed.

4. "Just Friends" often protect each other.  I have always been amazed at how real friends will protect each other no matter what. "Just Friends" may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It's a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who's got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she's more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each other's back now and forever. (Narda)

5. You can learn much about the opposite sex without the pressure of dating. It seems to me that many people really do not understand the opposite sex. Let's face it, men and women look at the world differently and react differently to life. That's one reason why in dating, things get so confusing. Because along with the deep emotion of young love or infatuation comes confusion and frustration. But a friend from the opposite sex can fill you in on what women/men are like. They can answer a lot of your questions about the opposite sex and save you all kinds of grief. I think it's great to have a friend of the opposite sex because sometimes the same sex won't understand some things you are going through such as if you have been in a bad breakup. A guy can see your point of view when you're talking about your ex, and it gives you an opportunity to see both sides of the story... (Megan)

6. There is no sexual pressure. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Guys aren't pressured to have sex as much by girls, but some still are. Being pressured to have sex can be a very difficult experience. If you're dating somebody and really like him/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. That's sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with "Just Friends", you don't have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is! It's so nice to just hang with guys who are "Just Friends" and not have any sexual stuff in between. It has never been that way between any of us! (Jenn) I'm amazed at how many people pressure their dating partner to go against their value system and do something sexual the other partner doesn't want to do.

7. Just Friends are comfortable with each other with no need to impress. There is tremendous pressure on teenagers and young adults to impress other people, especially the opposite sex.  They end up not even being themselves, but instead what they think the person of the opposite sex wants them to be. It's just one big performance. Not being yourself and performing for others is extremely exhausting and never worth the effort. Just Friends helps solve that problem because with Just Friends you can be yourself and not worry about impressing. If you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, you don't have to try to impress anyone. One of my best friends is a guy, and we talk about almost everything. I don't have to prove myself, and neither does he. (Kaitlyn) 

I’m more convinced than ever that every person needs at least one "Just Friends" experience.  However, I would guess that less than 50% of people have these kinds of relationships. I believe that's because these relationships need to overcome several challenges before, they can become successful.

Four Challenges to Protecting A “Just Friends” Relationship

1. The Culture Challenge.  Think about all the movies you have seen that have to do with two people of the opposite sex. The messages we get from culture are often shallow and, in some cases, just flat out wrong. In almost every movie they meet, supposedly fall in love, have sex, get mad at each other, get back together, and live happily ever after. Almost no movie or pop song talks about two people meeting each other and becoming best friends without the sex and drama. So, after you’ve seen all these movies and listened to all the songs you begin to say, I guess that’s the only relationship I can have, a romantic relationship.

2. The Developing Feelings Challenge. It is very important when you first start a "just friends" relationship that you and your new friend clearly define what this relationship is and is not. Unless there is a very clear understanding about your friendship, there is bound to be confusion over changing emotions from friendship to romance. Having these discussions where you talk about your feelings is not easy to do, but it is the only way to clear up any confusion that could turn from romantic feelings to hurt feelings. expressed what happened when she unknowingly developed feeling for her guy friend - "Lately, one of my male friends asked my advice about getting back with his ex and I told him it was a terrible idea, but he went ahead anyway, and it hurts really badly. I asked myself why?  Then I realized that it was because I had feelings for him that I wasn’t ready to admit. Nikki is very wise. She is in touch with her emotions and hopefully has already talked to her best friend about these issues. Even though she has feelings for her friend, there’s a good chance the relationship will last.

3. The Sexual Tension Challenge. It is very easy for sexual tension to enter a "just friends" relationship. This is because as you get closer to someone, it’s easy to become more affectionate. So there ends up being more hugs, kisses, and touching than what is appropriate. When this happens, there is tremendous confusion and tension in the relationship.

4. The Challenge of Being Misunderstood By Others. A final challenge to a "just friends" relationship is other people misunderstanding your friendship.  It seems like everybody who sees two people from the opposite sex together hanging out must have a romantic relationship, and so they will make suggestive comments and tease you about your relationship. This puts pressure on both of you. Just remember when people make comments about your "just friends" relationships, they just don't understand the good thing you have going.

I want to challenge you to have a "just friends" relationship. Yes, they are challenging and you must show respect and discipline in them, but the advantages far outweigh the difficulties.

Ground Rules for a "Just Friend" Relationship

Allow me to list a few rules you need to follow to help protect your relationship.

1. Have a conversation with your friend setting the boundaries for the friendship in the beginning.
2. Never give into physical attraction you may feel, as there may be no point of return and the friendship is ruined forever.
3. If you know your friend likes you, never taken advantage of those feelings for your own benefit.
4. Remember your friend of the opposite sex will have differing perspectives. Respect your friend for their different opinions.

Read more about how to make and keep friends and what to do if a friend is mad at you,