Why Is It So Hard to Find a Connection with Someone? Ep 55

Why Is It So Difficult to Find the Right Person?

Dating can be exciting, thrilling, fun but it can also be a total bummer! Trying to find the right person in the billions that are out there. Going out with different people all the time, trying to find someone you not only get along with, but you really connect with. It can be exhausting and frustrating! And when you can’t find the right person, it can make you feel as if you’re doing it all wrong.

This leads me to our guest for this episode of The Dawson McAllister Podcast, who is Heather. She’s 22 years old and wants to know why she’s never found a deep enough connection with someone that she’s ready to invest her life with.

  • Is Heather doing something wrong?
  • Is she spending too much time and energy on her career?
  • Are there no good guys where she’s at?

Here’s Heather’s story:

I’m stuck in a little bit of self-doubt. I’m going between work and school and an internship. I’m finding myself in this position where I’m being offered a job that I’m really excited about. But with all of this progression in my life, I’m finding that my dating life is just not there. I go on dates, but I don’t seem to find any sort of connection. I don’t get the feeling that this is somebody to be spending my time with. But I feel that way with almost everyone and I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or that I should be feeling different or I should be more open?
It’s not like relationships are my main goal right now, I have so much going for me, but I sit there sometimes and wonder if I’m doing something wrong.

So, you want a guy in your life?

Sometimes I feel like it would be nice. I don’t have this extreme urge. I don’t feel like it’s life or death if I don’t have someone there, but yes, sometimes I think it would be nice.

So, you’re asking, how can I balance my work, my school, and yet also find that special someone?

Yes, how can I balance it all and how come I haven’t found someone, even though I’ve gone on date after date with so many different people. I have a very active social life, but I’ve never found that connection with someone that’s made me feel like investing in them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not taking the time, or I’m not going at it properly. I meet wonderful people sometimes, but at the same time, I get this doubt, and I think, maybe this isn’t where I want to be.

Peer to Peer Advice for Heather: 

Heather receives advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and want to encourage her.

You can’t make love happen. – Elizabeth

First off, she said she feels as if she was doing something wrong, and that she should be putting herself out there more. And I just want to say, if she feels in in her heart that something is truly not right, I really don’t think that she should be pushing it. Because about a year ago, I was in the same shoes as her, and I was just actively seeking relationships and pushing myself. I thought to myself if this guy likes me, how come I don’t like him.

I actually fell in love with someone else, and I was dating someone else at the time. I obviously had to break it off and be with the person I loved. I realized I can not make love happen. It’s something that happens on its own. If you get impatient waiting for it, the second you give up is usually the second you find the person. That has happened so often and that’s what happened with me.

I don’t think she should totally give up, but not feeling right about something is not the way to go.

You shouldn’t have to settle. – Chase

Heather, you’re only 22. You have so much life ahead of you. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you. You’re rooted in your career and you're ambitious. It doesn’t seem like you are desperate to find somebody. Of course, it’s always nice to have someone there for you, who cares for you, but you have so much time. As Elizabeth said, if the right person is not there, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or you're too picky. You shouldn’t have to settle. It just means the Lord hasn’t blessed you with the right person yet.

As far as balancing your work and career and searching for someone, the key is being rooted in the Lord…which sounds like you are. The biggest thing is to pray. When your questioning, Is this the right person? Do I need to settle? Pray to the Lord, and then wait and listen for His response.

Psalms has a great verse, “I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” (Psalm 63:5)

Think about the best dinner you’ve ever had at the nicest restaurant. Think about how you felt immediately after, that’s how we should feel with the Lord at all times.

It’s so easy to mark guys off your list that don’t meet all the criteria. - Jess

I can empathize with Heather. I’m also 22, going to school, and working full time. Although sometimes we are hesitant to admit it to people, because we’re scared at how they’ll look at us…it can get lonely. You do want someone who will love and care for you.

I just wanted her to know, even though this may not be a serious situation, it can be the one you think about that can bother you from time to time.

I’ve met some nice guys and sometimes when you have such a big future, and you have all these plans and you’re pursuing it. You meet people and you have this criteria list. You meet a guy and if they don’t fit what you’re planning for your future, we’re so easy to just mark them off the list. You keep waiting until someone gets closer and closer and eventually you want someone to meet that full list. It’s just not going to happen. You don’t have to go on date after date to find that.

God knows our deepest wants and desires – without us even saying it. Once we let go of what we want – our time, how we want it to happen, and when we want it to happen - what God wants will come so much quicker, because we’re not sitting there planning it. It can happen with a simple interaction on the street. It can happen in school. It just takes an open heart and an open mind. We have to let go of our time and our will, and just let God take over in that aspect because He’s there.

Singleness doesn’t have to be a burden. - Leonard

Heather, like you, I’m also 22. I’ve experienced what you’ve experienced, especially with the bright career and bright future that you have. I’ve dealt with what you’re struggling with - you have all these things and yet you want to share it with someone.

The biggest thing I had to learn this whole entire time, I have a career in law enforcement, and it does take a special someone. You have so many things going for you, it takes a special someone to be with you.

The biggest thing I want to encourage you is, your singleness sometimes feels like a burden, but it’s actually a great joy to pursue the Lord. In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, talk about the unmarried and when you are married or you have a relationship your attention is divided. But it also talks about a person that’s single. When we’re single, our attention is not divided. We focus on the Lord. We focus on Jesus, who is our first love. And that’s what I had to learn at first, because I’ve been in many types of relationships, trying to fill that void, with someone being there for me all the time. But the one person I didn’t fall in love with was Christ.

When I finally let Christ in, and I finally gave my everything to Him. And I put my focus on Him, I saw blessing after blessing. Not just with my career, but with spiritual blessings. I had that confidence to say, you know what, I’m not alone because I have my God. I’m not alone because I have Christ that lives within me. He knows the deep desires of my heart. He has blessed me with that special someone who is my girlfriend now. He’s blessed me with someone that understands what I do. And it’s like any relationship, it’s not perfect, but the foundation that we laid is a Christ-centered foundation.
I wanted to encourage you that the Lord knows your desires. The Lord knows the deep things that we crave. And He wants to bless you, but first, let’s fall in love with the blesser. Let’s fall in love with God first, and then there will be room for another one.

Don’t search too much for that “right guy”. - Ella

Heather and I have some things in common. The only difference is I have gone to the extent where I have regrets. I would advise her to be happy and be joyful in her singleness. Don’t search too much for that right guy. Because maybe it’s the time to focus on your school or that career and really learn about yourself, learn about God, and figure out who you are and what you are bringing to that relationship table.

A really good thing is to get plugged in with other singles. People in your church, in ministry or even if there is a single group – join. It’s really good to have other people uplift us and be there for us. For me, I want that relationship there, but it’s really not what is needed at the time.

Just focus on the important things right now – God, the work, and the school. God will put that special person there exactly when he needs to walk in, he’s not going to be a second too late.

I had to learn the really hard way. I’m 23 now. Looking back, I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but it has been hard. I encourage you to keep your focus on God. Keep it on God solely. If that person walks in, and you’re not ready, your relationship with God is not strong, it won’t be a good relationship even if it is the right person.

Open your heart to God. - Sarah

Her who and her when is in Jesus Christ. Keep Him centered in her time now. Open her heart to Him. What everyone has said so far is on point, focus on who He’s going to make you be and he will put that person there.

When It Feels Like You’ll Never Find the Right Person

I want to camp for a sec on what our first peer-to-peer caller said. Elizabeth said, You can’t make love happen. And she was right. At just the point when you stop looking, when you aren’t expecting it…that’s when love tends to happen. Love has a way of finding us, not the other way around.

The best line in this podcast so far is what Chase said, “Be rooted in the Lord.” If you are rooted in God, he will guide your steps.

And the cool part is that God sees the desires of your heart, Heather, and he wants to fulfill those desires. As scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Leonard said devote yourself to God and similarly Ella and Sara both said, keep your focus on God.

There must be something to this…rooted in God, delighting in the Lord, devoting yourself to God, and focusing on Him.

God sees that you want a relationship, Heather. He has the right guy for you. And I think it’s good that you aren’t trying to have a relationship with every guy with some appeal that comes along. Too often we get lonely and jump headfirst into a relationship only to experience heartbreak later on.

You are 22, not 52.
I know it can be lonely.
I know it can feel as if you’ll never find the right person.
But you will.
In the meantime, put your faith, your trust, and your hope in God. He never disappoints. He always has the exact right timing.

Resources for Dating:

Relevant eBooks:

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This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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