There is value in being fearless and bold in the pursuit of your dreams. But for some guys, their dream is to date the most amazing girl they know to the point they don’t know when to stop pursuing this dream.
So let’s have an honest look at when it may be time to give up.
Signs it may be Time to Stop Pursuing a Girl
In life, persistence often pays off. But when it comes to a guy pursuing a girl, it can be just plain confusing.
Danny wrote: There’s this girl who I really like. But I have no idea whether she likes me or not. Sometimes she acts like she does, but other times she doesn’t. I’m just confused.
Well, Danny – here are some obvious signs that it might be time to move on. But then keep reading for great tips on how to pursue a girl in a more appropriate way.
12 Signs to Move On
- When she obviously avoids you
- If you show an interest in her, but she seems to ignore you
- She acts one way around you, and another way around her friends
- No longer responds to your calls/texts/emails/snaps
- She asks you to stop
- Or tells you you’re coming on too strong
- Your friends tell you to move on
- She talks to you about another guy she’s interested in
- If she seems bothered, irritated or angry at you
- Your self-esteem starts to suffer for it
- You start to think you are going crazy about the whole situation
- If you’re wondering if you should stop pursuing her, it’s probably time.
Skye wrote: People need to use the common sense the good Lord gave them. When something in your head tells you not to do something, don’t do it. You’ll thank yourself later.
Roy wrote: Everyone I knew early on told us it would never work out, but I stayed with her to prove them wrong. In the end it left me more broken and confused. Had I listened early on I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble and pain.
The most annoying guys are the ones who are convinced they have to be with this one particular girl, even though they might not even really know her. These guys are usually so strongly attracted to something about this girl, that he thinks he’s in love before he even knows her.
Bottom line – if it is taking a lot of effort to get her interested and she is showing no indication she likes you, it is time to back off for both of your sakes.
So how can you pursue a girl in an appropriate way?
Relationships take time to develop. You can’t force your way into someone else’s life.
First, just seek to be friends.
Give yourself time to get to know her. But even more importantly, give her time to get to know you. You deserve someone who is interested in you, as well.
Second, don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are.
That’s a lot of pressure on a girl. She wants someone who is happy and confident in their own right.
Third, show her respect.
Most girls love to be pursued by a guy, or viewed as someone special. Most of the time they appreciate a guy’s persistence and confidence. But more than anything, a girl wants to be respected and valued. The more respect you can show as you pursue her, the better.
Fourth, give the chase a rest
If you stop pursuing her, and give the chase a rest, you might find out the answer you’re looking for. If she’s interested in you, she may try to find out where you’ve been. She might actually become more interested in you, because you’re not trying so hard. But you might also find that she doesn’t care that you’ve stopped pursuing her. That’s a good sign that you were pursuing the wrong girl. It’s probably time to take a break, and hope that you can get to know each other as friends over time.
Fifth, relax.
Be relaxed in your pursuit of your dream girl. Don’t act like your entire happiness depends on her realizing how wonderful you are. Keep in mind there are plenty of girls in the world, some of whom will find you attractive and well worth their time.
Sixth, don’t change who you are.
I know you like this girl a lot, but you don’t want a relationship that is this much work. You don’t want to pretend to be someone else just to stay in a relationship. That’s exhausting. You deserve someone who likes you just the way you are! Create healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are emotional markers that clearly define where one person ends and the other person begins. Healthy boundaries allow you to be free to be yourself, and not feel like your happiness is dependent on what another person thinks about you.
God created you just the way you are. You are uniquely you with your talents, sense of humor, interests, and style. God designed you with a purpose and has great plans for you. Don’t let a girl ever make you question if you are good enough and if you should change.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
God’s plans even include who you will date and God’s plans are good. Being confident in this allows you to be comfortable around other people and develop healthy relationships going forward.
Still trying to figure out if you should pursue her or not? Read my blog on Reading Mixed Signals.
People advise me to keep trying … keep falling down and being kicked in the heart by women I thought cared about me … but keep trying, they say. As a severely introverted man, I am completely invisible to women, and to get them to even acknowledge my existence takes all the energy I have – and then they reject me, literally every one I’ve ever tried to get to know. You will – as others have – no doubt, tell me that I’m doing something wrong – that this is my fault. The fact is, men have to compete for women’s attention against other men and guys like me stand zero chance against other guys who *can* be confident around women, because to become confident, a guy needs positive experience. I have zero experience because no woman has ever said yes to me. Women are not interested in me – and there is no evidence to the contrary.
You may be punching to high. More than likely, you are overlooking women who aren’t conventionally beautiful (and also not unattractive), but who, if you wouldn’t be so superficial, are the most beautiful women on the inside that you would ever have the pleasure of meeting. You may want to try to get honest about your own looks, the way you dress, what your conversation consists of, and whether or not you are coming off as desperate. And yes, you absolutely need to have confidence and that comes from inner work on yourself. Good luck. There is someone out there for you, you just sound like you’re looking in all the wrong places.
Some of the most confident people in the world have zero positive experiences to stand on. You just gotta not care what people think of you. Granted accept the signs that she is giving you and move on if they’re all negative. Confidence is having the ability to know that you deserve to be treated the best and if she’s giving you no signs then its her loss. Beauty is all subjective. Some girls like blonde dudes, some like brunettes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Be the best that you can be and make self improvements everyday. Get a cool hairstyle, workout, find a skill to improve. Work hard at something so you can be proud and build this confidence. Even at the end of the day just remember God made you amazing even if you don’t think so. Getting girls is a skill. Practice! Practice! Practice! Its all a numbers game you just gotta not get hurt if you get rejected. Seriously, next girl you’re attracted to go up and talk to her. Even if you screw up you’re getting better for next time. I found a 10 percent success rate after approaching 10 girls, just cold approaches no context to help me whatsoever. That girl is now my girlfriend. Pray to God ! Seriously definitely helped me. Good Luck !
I have many close woman friends, dress very stylishly, get an haircut every 2 weeks, go to a gym 4 times per week, hold 2 PhDs, have a high paying job in a great profession and own 3 residential properties outright (I live in one and rent two) where I live, as well two vacation properties (also debt-free). “[Y]ou just gotta not get hurt if you get rejected,” you say. The fact is, for me – I will be rejected every time because other guys are attractive (nothing to do with looks – they just are), so women are interested in them. I am fundamentally unattractive no matter what I do so I will never be chosen by any woman irrespective of her physical appearance. As such, There is no point in me approaching any woman because rejection is always guaranteed.
So as a third party outside observer (which is all any of us here can be), I see a lot of similarities between your personality/temperament/self-esteem and my own. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy and there’s a lot of confirmation bias at play when your expectation and perception (whether fair or not) is simply rejection at every turn. I’m more guilty of this than most so don’t mean it in any offensive way whatsoever. But realistically if you’ve resigned yourself to the idea that you are “fundamentally unattractive” no matter what you do, you’re only going to see validation of that belief because it’s what you’re expecting and looking for. This is something I struggle with a bunch and point to factors like never having a relationship or someone take interest in me as confirmation of that belief. I think a lot of the problem inherent in that mindset is this underlying belief/fear that real happiness will only come from external sources (namely another person) and that finding the right person is all that really matters. This is probably not what you want to hear, but maybe instead of the hollow “keep trying” advice you are frustrated with receiving, just take a step away from “trying” so hard and focus on other things for a bit. Personally, I got to a point where I was so myopically and centrally focused on trying to find someone else to be happy and chasing after something that seemed so elusive and look for others for my own self-validation or to prove to myself that I could be good enough for someone else that I became really depressed and missed out on life and a lot of great things around me for a long time. I neglected friendships, self-care, etc. and lost a lot of things that I didn’t realize were important because I was so worried about finding something else. Take a look at the first half of your last response and realize while it might not be everything you want or have dreamed about having, you actually have quite a lot of positive things going for you that you should be very proud of and happy about. Maybe for a little while, focus on these things and find happiness, purpose, and confidence in these things, instead of chasing the things you don’t (yet) have. I happen to think it will work itself out one day as it was intended, but there’s no real point in stressing over it endlessly to the point that it makes you doubt yourself or feel down about your chances. For the most part, people are attracted to happiness. And women are especially perceptive in picking up on other’s energy or “vibe” or whatever you want to call it. Starting a relationship in order to find happiness or validation never ends well because it never begins well. Thinking about it or obsessing and stressing over it won’t make things change (what’s the saying, a watched pot never boils?) and no matter how amazing or special someone may be, your own happiness and self-worth shouldn’t be so deeply linked or dependent upon one person’s acceptance. The only acceptance you really need from someone is from yourself first and foremost. If you want advice other than “keep trying,” the only person here that really gets you and can help you is yourself. It’s easier said than done and probably not what you want to hear, but just be yourself and focus on the other areas of life that give you meaning, purpose, and happiness. Invest in your work, make even more plans with the friends you have (who knows maybe something unexpected could blossom from one of those friendships one day but likely not if it’s forced or premeditated). Find something else that you enjoy (a sports league or community service, etc.) and invest in those things (or at least make sure you don’t neglect them like I did to the point that you lose them). There are very few things we can control so focus on those things for the time being and maybe life will surprise you one day. That’s really all I can offer you, but what do I know lol I’m just some random college student on the internet who’s never dated anyone so take it for what it’s worth and good luck! I’m rooting for you and hope it all works out!
Well I met this girl through a friend and we’ve been hanging out and iv gotten to know her for a month now and we both talk and flirt at times should I tell her how I feel or wait a little while I don’t really know
I’ve been talking to this girl for about 3-4 months. I’ve known her for just about 2 years now. Our dates have been progressing and are more consistent in time. The problem is the first 2-3 days after a date or get together she won’t talk at all. We generally use Snapchat to talk and it goes 15+ hours before she opens my messages sometimes and I don’t perceive her as a busy girl so I ruled that out. We are moderately sexually active but just the way she is treating our relationship seems like a “friends with benefits” type. I truly like her and we always have a good laugh but I don’t know how to let her go or if I should. She always brings up our friendship and that shit but I never see her with any other guys.
Looking through other comments I realized that she generally doesn’t ask questions, and she acts different when she is with me, my friends, and her friends. I feel very confused and frustrated and times. I wouldn’t like to let her go but if that’s what I need to stay mentally healthy and not “try and figure things out” I will.
She is coming over Saturday and I will let you fellas what happens and what I decide. Please give suggestions and what I can do and how to help with moving on if that’s what i decide to do.
When you go to kiss her for the first time and she gives you the back of her head you might as well not bother going on. Or when she friendzones you. I’ve had terrible luck with women my whole life and when they come out with that crap about wanting to only be friends, you might as well just say bye and don’t look back. It’s a lousy deal, but that’s the way it goes.
Had a female friend for over40 years she started seeing me every few days flirting showing huge interest I became romanticly interested asked her for a relationship she said I just want to be friends she was chasing me I don’t understand and am hurt
Say goodbye, non-verbally.
She was my student. I started talking to her. First she used to avoid me totally.
Then later she started to converse. I also realized she no more calls me “Sir”.
We never talk about study things or university things. In the earlier days of conversation she mentioned she felt scared of me.
However she doesn’t initiate conversation at all. I am the initiator always. She says she is reserved and shy.
If I dont talk, she wont ask me anything. She also thought I am arrogant. She thought i know about everything.
She laughs at my silly jokes, shares her personal stuff about her marriage concerns,
how she wants her life to be. Marriage scares her. And even mentions that if she likes someone,
she will never let the person know, rather person should figure out and send a marriage proposal.
By the way she never asks questions about me. She responds to everything I ask or comment on with a good mood.
Now I dont know how to go about it.
Please guide.
Just my 2 cents:
If she never asks questions about you, to me it’s a huge red flag. If a girl is interested she WILL ask you a lot of questions. The conversation should be 50/50 in questions, not your case, 100% you only.
Maybe you guys should share some more daily stuffs..it is easier for her to message you what she is having for dinner today than thinking of a topic to start a conversation.
She can be either super shy or see you as a really cool teacher that turns out is not mean and pretty chill. In my opinion, it’s the 2nd half.
You can either build on that friendship and see where it goes, or just say you like her lol. I agree with one of the points of the article: you need to stop “chasing”, especially if you’re the one initiating all the time.
Women with high interest…. Help you. They don’t issue ongoing indirect mixed messages. Cya!