Friendships are one of life’s greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with — someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are is priceless. When we can have a deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex, it is a tremendous gift. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite-sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are can be intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.
The Gut-wrenching Challenges to Secretly Loving your Best Friend
Laura reveals the gut-wrenching challenges she’s facing being secretly in love with her best guy friend: It’s been really hard because sometimes it seems like he likes me and sometimes it seems very obvious that we’re just friends. It’s torn my heart up on several occasions. I’m currently trying to get over him, because it’s just too hard to love him from a distance. I don’t want to lose our friendship as we’ve been through a lot together in the years we’ve known each other, but I’d rather save my heart for someone who I know is going to give me his heart fully in return.
It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love. But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into great marriage. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you’re friends, the more stable your relationship is going to be.
A lot of good friends can do things that romantic partners cannot. Friends usually say what they need to say to each other without fear, and good friends are more likely to be spontaneous with their activities.
Two Warnings if You Think You Are In Love With Your Best Friend
When you start to feel you are desiring more than just a casual friendship with your best friend and you’re not sure what to do next, let me offer you some advice that could strengthen both your relationship and your love for each other.
First, don’t rush into a romantic relationship with your best friend…many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your other friends.
Second, don’t spill your guts right away. You might feel like you have to share all your thoughts and feelings with the other person as soon as you start to feel something. That’s usually a mistake.
Javier agrees: This girl and I have known each other for nearly seven years and we have been close friends for about three. Eventually, we did start liking each other and we went out for a month and a few weeks. After that relationship ended, I didn’t feel very hurt or sad. It was odd. I found myself being freer and I got to thinking: Don’t rush into [a romantic] relationship with your best friend…many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.
Find another good friend you can trust…someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. This other friend will help you continue to show the self-control of letting a good friendship grow into an even deeper friendship. Hold your emotions, get them out in a healthy way with another friend. Why chance ruining a good thing, at least for now?
Friendship IS the start of a Real Romance
On the other hand, after you’ve been a good friend with him/her for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him/her, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything.
I think Jane has a great perspective: The only time I would recommend someone reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn’t love you, isn’t having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend that might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don’t have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already.
First and foremost, good friends should know how much each person values the other. We make the mistake of demanding that many of our relationships be all or nothing romantically. Whether the person you are in love with ends up marrying you or not, you have had the joy of experiencing real love.
Real Love
Real love is rich, pure and self-sacrificing. To experience that kind of love with anybody is a priceless gift.
This is how the Bible describes true love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Isn’t that awesome? This verse also describes how God loves YOU! Trust God as He shows you whether your best friend will become your life’s partner. You may want to pray to God for guidance in this relationship and even have others pray for you.
Still wondering if it’s really love or friendship? Read: How to Know if it’s Really Love.
Photo Credit: Clarisse Meyer
I’ve known this girl for 14 years. We’ve been best friends for about 11 or 12 of those 14. Its always been a little hard recently to tell if I’m in love with her or not. As a non-religious gay woman, sometimes its really hard to tell if I’m in love with a girl, or just like the idea of being in love with her. I have no priest or whatever to turn to, not that most would give advice to a gay person anyway. We sometimes “flirt” with each other, saying things like “I love you” or “you’re my soulmate” or, most recently “we are so getting married when we’re out of school and stuff”. It hurts when I hear that because I can’t tell whether it’s just mindless and silly or if she actually feels something.
Any advice?
bro i confessed and said sorry for such a thought
I always get a strong feeling when with her but it’lld ruin our friendship
Have u hinted at something more than a friendship? Something tells me she might be feeling the same thing as u
I have been friends with a boy for about five years. Just the other day I started to have feelings for him. But I do not know what to say to him.
This is not just for friendships of the opposite sex… you can be a girl and love your girl best friend just as a boy can love his boy best friend.
I’ve known this girl for 5 years now and we’ve been very good friends but she recently started dating and I also fell in love with her. She always tell me to come around and when I go her boyfriend will be there it’s really getting me jealous
If you aren’t supposed to “rush” a relationship with your best friend, then how do you ever get one started? Someone has to confess their feelings at some point for something to ever get started. So at what point does that happen? This is a great article but I feel like it’s lacking this one piece of information.
we are bestfriends for almost 8 years, and that 8 years when he had a girlfriend,i dont have a boyfriend and vice versa.
after several years passed,we are both single and then one day he told me that he want me to be his girlfriend,and i accept the offer he want. as of now, we are planning to get married. we all know that it is not easy for us, but we both love each other. Godbless everyone
SOOO My friend has a crush on my best friends girlfriend and I think he needs some advise. How do I be a good friend and help him get the girl of his dreams. My best friend gets jealous when his girlfriend hugs my friend and to be honest my best friends girlfriend is hurting my best friend and i really don’t know what to do.
I have a best friend. Earlier v were just frndz . We haven’t seen each other since last 2 years as we r studying in different cities (a long distance friendship you can say) . One day suddenly he called n now v literally talk 2 hours or more in every phone call. He shares every single thing
(it may be best or the worst ) of present as well as his childhood memories, also flirt sometimes n i also do. He says “I miss u , I wish u were in my college or at least in same city “. He sometimes post our chat or call duration screenshot n caption it as “Long distance talk ……#loveyoubytheway “. But never confess his feelings in words on call. From some days I can’t stop thinking about him. While he is flirting, I get butterflies in my stomach. Am i falling in love?? Does he feel the same way??