This Hole in My Soul

Why do I want to be anyone but me?

I have to confess I have this problem…when I look around me, I always think everyone else has it better than me.  They have better hair, better clothes, a better face, a nicer house, a better personality, better skills and talents.

The Why?

Society’s pressure never ends; you get bombarded with it everywhere you go.  Trying to be the best, trying to look the part you want to look, trying to appear as if you are the most interesting person in the world and your life is the most wonderful life possible.

I think if most of us look at the highlights in our own lives…. those moments laughing with friends, vacations, the good days, the days where we look and feel good, those times where we do something awesome and noteworthy aka Instagram worthy…those highlights make us look as if our life is something to take notice of.  I know I’m not the only one who goes back and looks over my pictures and is like…oh yeah, cool, I really have had some good times!

As we all know, everyday life is not glamorous…sometimes it’s downright rigid, boring, and extremely monotonous.  Get up, eat breakfast, go to work or school, go home, eat dinner, study, binge on Netflix…blah, blah…not too much in a typical day that’s Instagram worthy.  I have to tell myself…this is okay, and I’m telling you it’s okay.  Life doesn’t have to be exciting every moment.

Why don’t I feel complete?

Here’s my secret…probably an issue you’ve never heard of…I have dad issues (gasp). I’m being sarcastic if you can’t tell. I know so many of us have this issue.  I have two dads (dad and stepdad), but the fact that neither of them were completely vested in my life when I was younger affected me a lot. In many ways, this left me with a hole in my soul.

However, the thing that always puzzled me about this hole in my soul was that I knew Jesus. I knew He was the answer and the only way to fill the longing in my heart. But I didn’t always listen and seek Him. Instead, I looked for love and acceptance through guys. I went through many years of liking guys who didn’t like me, but it didn’t take long for that to change. Once I hit about 18 years old, guys liking me wasn’t a problem anymore and I soaked up the attention and “love” I got from them.  This was not a healthy thing to do.  It only leads to TROUBLE with a capital T.

If you need approval or attention to feel good about yourself then this can only lead you down a bad path. It means you will do things you didn’t want to do to get attention and feel better about yourself.

How do I fix it?

To “fix” the hole in my soul and fulfill the desire to be who I was meant to be is simple, but I tend to complicate it. We are all actually made this way…incomplete on our own. God did this so He can complete us. We are only made totally complete through God. Without him, we will always have an emptiness looming.

God is Calling You to Him

God created us in His image. He made us to have a deep, meaningful relationship with Him and to be in constant communication with Him. If we aren’t following through on that, then we are going to feel incomplete. If we put our faith in ourselves or others, not in God, then we are not going to flourish and be who we were meant to be.

Sometimes God seems far away. There are so many other things going on in life and He feels just “up there” sometimes. The truth is God can be more present and more real in your life, the more you let Him. He is not going to show up uninvited. He gives us free will to call upon Him or to ignore Him.

Show Me You're Real God

There was a time in my life where I wasn’t sure if God existed. After some straying and darkness, I cried out to Him and prayed, “I need for you to show me you are real. I need to know you are here and care about me.” One time, during a church service, I was praying this to Him and I felt His presence and felt for a moment like I was breathing pure oxygen. God showed up and answered my prayer. I felt his presence so strongly, and since then, I’ve never doubted his existence again. It’s so cool because the more you press into Him (by praying, reading and studying the Bible), the more you see Him at work in your life.

God promises if you seek Him, you will find Him. I’ll leave this scripture with you, Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Just try it! Seek the Lord with your whole heart! Don’t hold anything back and see what He does in your life. Watch Him fill the hole in your soul. Watch Him help you become God-confident and be who you were meant to be!

- Rachel

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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One comment on “This Hole in My Soul”

  1. Pay a lot of time that things will get better with me and my ex fiance things seem very hazy on my end jokes have really consumacion of thought and my movements of every day I don't know how to feel towards him at the same time I feel like I'm heartbroken because of him I just like closure

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