Dating can be tricky. There’s a lot to navigate. If you are blessed to have a good guy friend, but now you think you may want to date him…how do you go about that? Or there’s a guy you really like, but you’re not sure he knows you exist…how do you get his attention?

Let’s take a look at these questions and more.

When To Move Beyond Just Friends?

Is it possible you are falling in love with your best friend? When did it suddenly become a romance? Are you worried about ruing the friendship?

Jessica asked: I really like this guy and he really likes me. We keep telling each other we love one another, and we would like to go out, but we don’t want to mess up our friendship if anything goes wrong in the relationship. What should I do?

You are in a really great place with your friend. Most people should be so fortunate. But it sounds like you’re wondering what might be next for your relationship, or what it might look like to take things to the next level.

Communication is Key to Moving Beyond Friends

The first thing you should do is talk about what it would mean for you to start dating each other. Does dating mean you’re going to start spending more time together? Are you committing to being exclusive with each other?

You might have entirely different ideas about what a dating relationship would look like. Understanding each other’s expectations at the beginning will help.

By exclusive dating you are telling each other I’m yours, and that can be a really good step, but don’t fall into the trap that thinks dating and being exclusive is mainly about being physical with each other. Almost all heavily sexual dating relationships self-destruct. You should discuss up front what boundaries are important to you.

Keep Having Fun

Also, don’t forget to keep having fun. Sometimes when you start dating the relationship can feel heavy and serious. This is all the more reason to remind yourself of how much you enjoy just being with each other.

Make a pact with each other that if at any time one of you feels uncomfortable, you will talk about it, and make adjustments to fix what is causing the discomfort.
Take your time with all this, and experience all the good things already present in the relationship. Don’t worry about trying to stir up more feelings by calling it a dating relationship. Be happy with the great thing the two of you already have.

How to move beyond just friends?

Are you tired of every guy in your life wanting to be “just friends”? This is how Ginger was feeling when she submitted her question.

Ginger asked: Whenever I find a guy, I’m interested in I start talking to him in a friendship kind of way, but that’s all it turns into, friendship. Any advice?

Sounds like you’re great at making friends with people of the opposite sex, Ginger. This is a fantastic skill many people don’t develop. Having great friends is priceless. But I understand that you’re looking for something more than another friend.

Consider How You Present Yourself

The reality is that not everyone you’re attracted to is going to be attracted to you as more than a friend. You can’t control who is attracted to you, but you can control how you present yourself.

Guys are attracted to girls that take care of themselves, who are confident, and who treat others with respect.

It is also important to have a life outside of your desire to be in a relationship. Have a little bit of mystery about you. Guys like a challenge, and they like a girl with other interests. Sometimes a girl can put so much energy into trying to show a guy how much she likes him that she appears to not have much of a life outside of this pursuit. Flirting is O.K. Desperation is a turn-off.

My advice is to go live life to the fullest! This will make you even more attractive.

What do Guys Look for First?

Guys and girls are the same in this way…they both want to know what the other is looking for.

Miranda asked: What exactly do boys think about and look for when they FIRST meet you? I wonder all the time, and I try to read their faces – but what really goes on in their heads?

I feel I must answer this honestly and the truth is most guys look first to see how attractive the girl is to him. (Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder!). They are also interested to see if there is some kind of chemistry between them. This is the case nine times out of ten. Most guys are very visual and for whatever reason, quickly sum up the impression they have received from the girl in a matter of seconds.

After that, most guys try to figure out what kind of person you are. For example: Are you kind? Are you confident? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you shy? Arrogant? Can you carry on a good conversation? Do you have anything in common? Do you show any signs of being interested in them? Remember, most guys make quick observations about these things. In the end, it is these characteristics that will get a guy to stick around.

Be Comfortable in Your Skin

I’m guessing behind your question is an even more practical one: How do I get guys to notice me? My number one tip is to be comfortable in your own skin. You should like yourself.  It is also incredibly attractive when a girl takes more of an interest in other people than in herself and makes those around her feel good about themselves. Being attractive, doesn’t necessarily mean “hot” or gorgeous.

If guys aren’t noticing you as much as you’d like, it could be you’re not portraying who you really are. More times than not, it is how you feel about yourself that determines how attractive you really are. Not every guy is going to think you’re the hottest, most beautiful woman in the world. Who cares! What matters is you are who you are, and that you’re becoming more loving every day. In the end, that will attract the kind of guy you need to be with anyway.

For more dating advice for girls read: How to know if he’s just not that into you and much more.

The Pain is Still Haunting Me

Janely shares her story: “When I was 16, I was raped, and I kept it a secret from everybody. My anger and by the way I kept bottling up everything, my mom figured it out. To this day, I feel a lot of hatred toward myself and a lot of guilt. I hate who I am. I hate everything about myself. I felt like I could have changed something if I had something. But I was hanging out with a friend and shouldn’t have even been there. I can’t help but be upset and angry. It’s been a long time and I thought I came to peace with it, and it still haunts me to this day. I don’t know how to treat it. I don’t know how to get rid of it. It’s just there, haunting me.”

It’s Time for a Breakthrough

Janely needs a breakthrough and I believe she can get one today. I have a verse for her, “The LORD your God is among you; He is mighty to save. He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 That’s what she needs, God to quiet her with His love.

Peer to Peer: Talking About It Helps to Release Emotions

Janely has been stuffing and bottling her pain for so long, but now, by talking about what happened she’s beginning to release some of those deep emotions. Even though it’s extremely painful, sharing what happened to her and how she feels is the start of her healing. This is the beginning of a breakthrough. We asked for people with advice and encouragement for Janely to call in. She received compassionate and uplifting messages from some amazing people who sympathized with Janely’s heartache. We first heard from Caleb; whose wife was raped.

My Wife and I Both Have Forgiven Her Abusers ~ Caleb

Caleb – Right now it must be very painful. My wife was abused by her father for many years; as well as she was raped when she was 14 years old. What you’re feeling right now is something that is indescribably painful, especially if you keep it bundled up. My wife denied the rape as well. It’s something that helps us keep the pain down. Now, that it’s coming out in the open, the best thing you can do right now is go to God. She’s completely healed now. She’s forgiven the rapist and her dad, and so have I.

How Did She Get to Where She Could Forgive Like That?

First, you have to accept it. Then you have to let the emotion out. You have to let it out some way, whatever that is to you…yelling, hitting something, whatever it is, it’s inside your heart and needs to come out. And then God can heal. But if it stays bottled up, then it will never be healed.

The More You Talk About it, The Better You Feel ~ Jermaine

Jermaine – I want to congratulate you for coming forward, that’s the first step towards the healing. Talk about it – the more you talk about it to people you can trust, and get it out there, will make you feel a whole lot better. My wife was raped by her uncles, and her mother knew about it. It tore her life apart. I asked her one day, “How did you manage to get over it?” She said, “Jermaine, I prayed to God every night, and asked God to give me the strength and the ability to forgive.” When you truly fall in love with Jesus Christ, you won’t forget it, but He’s the only one that can do this. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, no matter what you do, you have to allow God to do the work He’s trying to do within you, to allow the hurt to be removed. I’m praying for you, Janely, and I love you.

There are Beautiful Men Out There ~ Maria

Maria – First of all, I want to thank the two beautiful men that called in. Because I was expecting women to call in, to have a heart for another woman, but two men calling in, you realize there are beautiful men out there. Not every man wants to hurt a woman. After hearing them, I almost feel like my word is ignorant. My word was, they can take your body, but they can’t take your heart and soul and mind, and what’s in your mind. You have to control what is in your mind from this point forward. But those two beautiful men brought it to God and their wives brought it to God. I’m ignorant on the subject, but my heart broke for you, that you are still feeling so hurt, that’s why I wanted to call in.

I hope you meet a Godly man, and he brings you the happiness you deserve and brings your mind away from not loving yourself.

You Are Move Loved Than You’ll Ever Know ~ Evan

Evan – No matter what you think, the Lord will never forsake you or leave you. You don’t know how much you are loved. You are more loved than you’ll ever know. If the Lord can forgive you for holding back the truth from her family and friends then you can forgive yourself too.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19

That was More Powerful Than I Thought It Would Be ~ Janely

Janely: That was more powerful than I thought it would be.

Dawson: Did you know Jesus was sexually violated?

Janely: I didn’t know that.

Dawson: Let me explain it to you.
When he was on the cross, he was stripped naked. They mocked him (Psalm 22). They made fun of him in violent ways. There he was being sexually abused and being totally abused. He completely understands and wants to heal you. We are work on our healing. I promise you this God who loves you, has a man for you in His time.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Jesus said, pray for your enemies, pray for those who persecute you. You can’t pray for someone every day without having a changed attitude towards them. God does that transformation. Other than that, you will forever be a slave to the abuse you’ve suffered.

If you’ve been raped or experienced sexual violence and want to share how you got through it, please leave your message for Janely in the comments below!

More Help and Resources for Sexual Assault:

• Resource: If you’ve been raped or are the victim of sexual violence or assault, contact: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
• Free eBook: Understanding Sexual Abuse
  Verses of Hope: Bible Verses for Sexual Assault Victims and Survivors
  

Need to talk to someone? Chat Live with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. – Rachel

Finding Balance When Staying Aware

Between political unrest, natural disasters, and violent responses to national events, the news we watch is rarely good news these days, and that can take a toll on people, with or without a mental health diagnosis.

I got a message recently, and I appreciate this person's honesty about her struggles:
"I am really interested in current events and politics. I volunteer for many causes I believe in, and I am really passionate about making the world a better place. So, I try to stay informed. But I'm noticing the more I try to be informed, the worse my depression gets, and the more overwhelmed and anxious I feel. I think about stopping sometimes, but I don't want my friends to accuse me of not caring. Is there anything I can do to stay strong when I watch the news?"

I admire anyone who loves learning and wants to make the world a better place. But the way we take in news has changed greatly over the years. Because we can now get the news 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, along with constant commentary on that news across every social media platform, the media never gives our brains a rest. It's our responsibility to take a break to preserve our mental health, but it can be difficult to know when and how to do that. 

Here's what I've learned as I've counseled young adults working through this. I hope you find it helpful, and I am confident that caring for your mental health is always a good decision.

Feeling Weak Doesn't Make You a Failure

I understand why you might feel weakened by stronger clinical depression symptoms after watching the news. And I want to reassure you, acknowledging weakness doesn't make you a failure or a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't care about what's going on in the world. 

Knowing your limitations is a strength. Recognizing when you feel weakened or drained means you can break that cycle more readily. That allows you to prioritize rest. When you are more rested, you often have more energy to prioritize what you want to learn, and more time to do what is most important to you. 

News Cycles Can Make Depression and Anxiety Worse

It's important to understand the power of the words we hear and the images and videos we see. As MindWise Innovations reports:
"[H]uman beings. . . are constantly seeking and receiving information. We’re part of an age where news coverage is presented in real-time, and the 24-hour news cycle allows us to stay informed to the very minute. But if the news is negative, the psychological ramifications can be serious. Watching something tragic unfold repeatedly can have an impact on your mental health."

Their behavioral health team has noticed a connection between near-constant access and exposure to the news and worsening mental health issues, including:

• Depression: Often the most tragic stories, the ones with the most death, destruction, and grieving, are the ones at the top of the news reports. Seeing this all day, or day after day, can make it harder to keep perspective or to find the hope you need to cope with clinical depression.
• Anxiety: Think of how a news report is presented. They want people to tune in, so they lead with the stories that are going to be the most attention-getting and excite the strongest reactions. That excitement can show up as worsening anxiety, fear, and uncertainty, particularly if you feel anxious regardless of what's happening in your life or the world.
• PTSD: According to that MindWise report, consuming too much news is among PTSD causes. People may develop post-traumatic stress disorder directly from the media they consume, and how much of it they consume. Because the news repeats over and over throughout the day, flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms are more likely to impact people who don't take care to limit their daily news and screen time. 

Whether a doctor has diagnosed you with a mental illness like depression, or you're wondering if you should talk to someone about your mental health, it can only help you to think about your emotions, and how your mind and body are impacted by what you see every day.

News Cycles Can Worsen Emotional Addiction

You've probably learned about how addiction works in your mind and body. Did you know you can be addicted to a feeling, even an unpleasant one? Emotional addiction happens when you get a strong chemical and physical reaction (a "high", or a "rush”), from a strong emotion, and you find yourself getting your energy from and being fueled by that feeling. People can become addicted to pleasurable feelings, but unpleasant or negative emotions can give you a rush of adrenaline, too. Some common emotional addictions center around:

• Fear: Constantly refreshing or scrolling through the news cycle with a feeling "this can only get worse", can make your brain feel addicted to being afraid. 
• Sadness: Most top stories are tragic, upsetting, and traumatic. That can worsen emotional addiction risks for someone already struggling with depression. 
• Worry and Uncertainty: Since the news only has so much information at a given point in the day, there's often a "what if" feeling fueled by worry and uncertainty. The more you refresh the news when you feel that way, the greater your risk of developing an emotional addiction.

Reminder: Self-Care Isn't Selfish

Unplugging doesn't mean you're uninformed, and it isn't selfish to stop watching the news. When you feel like you've had enough, you can step away from it for the day. 

You know your mind and body and listening to them is smart. When you can feel your heart racing, your palms sweating, or can feel yourself getting more agitated, take those cues and step away from the screens, and do something that replenishes your mind, body, or spirit.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the news of the day, recharging often involves turning to my faith for strength and solace. And my faith does more than change my feelings. I can give all my anxieties to God in prayer, and He will comfort me. God cares about you, and the state of the world. You can pray to Him anytime for peace, hope and encouragement.  

Other self-care practices that might help you clear your head from the news cycle include staying nourished and hydrated, doing physical activity, reading, journaling, or expressing your creativity. 

Get Support to Find Balance

Awareness of the negative impact of news on your mental health, and self-care practices to make you feel more grounded, are great first steps when managing your emotions after reading a lot of stressful and tragic news. But sometimes you need extra support, especially when the news of the day involves heightened unrest or an extraordinarily frightening event. 

Talking to a Hope Coach can help. Expressing your feelings to one of our trained mentors is a great way to plan for a greater sense of balance between staying informed, taking care of your mental health, and doing what you can to make a positive impact on the world. We're here to help and ready to listen.

Coming to terms with an uncertain future can be tough, but it is possible to gain peace of mind. Here are a few things you can try to help you find that peace of mind.

Supporting Friends Without Enabling Them 

Having a friend with addiction is tough. Their addictive behaviors cause them additional pain, because addiction does nothing to heal the pain that drives them to drink, use drugs, or harm themselves in other ways.

I recently got a message from someone whose friend is addicted, and they ask a very good question:

“I have a best friend with a drinking problem. They told me recently that they feel like it’s become an addiction. But they asked me not to tell anyone. I’m worried something bad will happen unless I get more help for them. But they asked me not to tell anyone. How do I help my friend with addiction without breaking their trust?”

I love that this person, and that you, want to be supportive of someone with addiction. That is kind and caring and shows that you understand that an addiction is an illness, not a failing that makes your friend a bad person. 

But supporting people with addiction is complicated. What we think might be supportive might actually harm their recovery efforts. Your support doesn’t mean you have to stop their addiction or make them complete their recovery. It just means you have to continue to be a true friend, as they always have been, so they know someone is there encouraging them in their recovery when things get tough. Here are some suggestions for how you can do that.

Point Them in the Right Direction

Depending on where your friend is on their addiction recovery journey, they may need help finding resources, support groups, and other things that can help them. Ask for their permission to share some resources with them. 

There are many addiction recovery support groups, with a wide range of approaches to treatment and focus areas. Hopefully knowing that there are many people who want to help them will encourage your friend to keep moving forward.

Trust Them to Do the Work

To maintain the trust of your friend in addiction recovery, you have to trust them to do the work of recovery for themselves. If they have come to you and shared that they have an addiction for which they need support, they are recognizing they have a problem. 

As much as you naturally want to keep them out of harm’s way, you aren’t able to force anyone to do things like go to support groups, avoid every tough situation, or get rid of everything that triggers their addiction. 

Respect Their Privacy

It’s important to remember that privacy is key for recovery. People need to feel safe talking about and working on recovery without unnecessary painful consequences. Addiction is still stigmatized, and people with addiction can be unfairly treated or viewed with prejudice. 

Your friend was very courageous to share about their addiction with you. It’s a sign of trust that they engage in such conversations with you, and respecting that trust includes respecting their privacy. If there is ever a time you think it might be helpful for someone else to know about their recovery needs, ask for their consent before reaching out to the person or organization you hope to connect them with.

Talk About Other Things

It’s easy to be consumed by something difficult or painful a friend is going through. You care about them. You want them to be safe, and you want them to get help. But it can be overwhelming for the person living with addiction to only talk about, and only hear about, a struggle that is already so difficult. 

Continue to be friends as you were. Talk about your shared interests, try new things together, and always affirm your friendship and love for one another. 

If you feel comfortable talking about God, you can remind them how much God loves them, and how He has plans to give them a hopeful future and help them find a greater sense of freedom. Let them know you are grateful for them, and grateful for the recovery work they’re doing.

Only your friend can do the day-to-day work of their recovery. Let them know you support them by saying things like:

• “Thank you for trusting me to know about your addiction and recovery journey. I am here to support you. Let me know what you need from me.”
• “Thanks for letting me know you need someone to talk to. I’m here if you need someone to listen.”
• “How is your recovery journey going? I’m really proud of you for doing this important work.”

Leave the door open for them to share what they need. Your offer of support is deeply caring, and those reminders will be helpful as they work on recovery.

Go to Safe Places

Sometimes you might want to do fun things with your friend to reconnect, and to be sure that your friendship includes conversations and activities that aren’t about recovery. When you make plans, be sure you’re choosing safe places they can enjoy without a relapse being triggered. For example:

• Instead of a bar, try a coffee shop
• Instead of going to the same places and neighborhoods where they partied, try spending time in nature, hiking, walking, or having a picnic.  
• If they are trying to make new friends who don’t use drugs or substances, or don’t engage in harmful behavior, introduce them to other people you care about who you know will also be caring and supportive.

Of course, you can’t prevent every struggle, or avoid every potential trigger. But making whatever effort you’re able to is a great sign of care for your friend and will help them feel a greater sense of safety.

Be Careful Not to Enable

Enabling happens when you relax your boundaries in ways that allow a person’s addictive behavior to continue. For example:

• Covering for someone when they can’t come to work or school because of their addiction.
• Giving someone money to spend on an addictive habit or behavior.
• Taking on too much responsibility, or taking on some of their responsibilities for them, instead of letting them experience consequences or difficult situations as part of their recovery.

If you start to feel like the ways your friend is asking for your support are unhealthy, are making you unhappy, are draining you, or are making you feel like you’re not being honest with them or others, it’s time to adjust your boundaries in ways that allow you to care for yourself and your needs. 

You don’t have to be a therapist or a social worker for your friend. You just have to be a friend. It might be difficult to find balance sometimes, but friendships can grow strong through a variety of challenges. If you continue trusting each other and forgiving each other, your friendship can get through the bumps in the road that come with a recovery journey. 

Get Support for Yourself

It’s very important that you don’t forget that you will need support and encouragement to be able to encourage your friend with addiction in a healthy way you feel comfortable with. There is support available if you need someone to talk to and aren’t sure where to turn. TheHopeLine offers mentoring from HopeCoaches. They’ll respect your privacy, offer encouragement, and help you plan a path forward. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your friend, your concerns, and your hopes for the future. We are here for you, and we believe things will continue to get better for you and the people you care about.

If you love someone with an addiction, one question is likely on your mind: Can I help? Here are some ways I've seen people support friends and family in recovery while maintaining healthy boundaries. 

How to Pray for Peace

The world isn’t a very peaceful place. Wars seem to always be raging, environmental disasters force people to evacuate their homes, and there seems to be more political and social upheaval now than at any time in recent history.

This lack of peace around us can soon become a lack of peace within us. Praying for peace is one way we can regain a sense of calm in the face of fear and uncertainty. It can also help us to become a more peaceful presence in the lives of people around us. 

But it can be hard to do! After all, it’s hard to talk about peace, or imagine peace is possible with the constant news cycle telling us otherwise. So, what do we do? How do we pray for peace in difficult times?

It comes down to preparing your mind and developing a practice of prayer. Here are some steps I’ve taken to pray for peace.

1. Find a Quiet Place to Think and Pray

You can pray anywhere, because God is everywhere. But as you are learning how to pray or reconnect with a practice of prayer, it’s helpful to find a quiet place to think about God and pray to Him. 

You might pray in your room with the door closed. You might light a candle. Or you might walk or sit outdoors in a quiet place. Wherever reminds you of God’s presence and makes you feel calmer, those are great places to pray.

2. Read and Meditate on Scriptures About Peace from God’s Word

The Bible has many verses that show us we can turn to God when we are seeking peace and ask Him for help in prayer. 
Here are a couple of verses I often turn to for encouragement:

• Philippians 4:7 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:23 -  “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Before you pray, read these scriptures aloud (or any verses you find comforting that remind you of God’s peace). Read them slowly and carefully. Notice what stands out to you about God, His love, and His peace, from each verse you read. 

After you read a verse, take some time to think about it. Don’t rush into prayer or into another activity. Think about how the verses you’ve chosen are true right now, for you. You may be able to do this just by sitting quietly and thinking things through. Or it may be helpful to write your thoughts in a journal. 

3. Turn with Confidence to God

Preparing your mind and heart to pray can help you feel more focused, less anxious, and have greater confidence your prayers will be heard. If you’ve spent time thinking about Bible verses about peace, and you’ve been reminding yourself that God is a God of peace who will guard your mind and heart out of His love for you, that faith will become part of your prayer practice.

Here are some things you can remember to help you turn to God in prayer with more confidence:

• Prayer is not about being perfect. It is about talking and listening to God, who loves you deeply.
• God is already with you. You can pray anytime, anywhere, and He will hear you.
• Peace is a part of who God is and how He shows His love for us. Spending time in prayer will help your sense of peace, because you are spending time with God. 

4. Pour Out Your Fears, Anxieties, Worries, and Cares to God

God cares about you and everything you are dealing with. Whether you are a new believer, have been raised to believe in God, or don’t know what you believe about God, you are loved by God. He has always been with you and known about your life, even during times when you have had no faith, or have not thought or known about Him. 

There is nothing you can say or feel that He does not understand, because He created all of us with this wealth of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

You can open up to God fully when you pray. It can be honest. It can be messy. You can say a lot. You can be silent. Whatever you do, God will be there. He desires to hear your prayers. And since He created you, you can be your full and honest self with Him when you pray.

5. Pray and Ask God for His peace.

Prayer can and should be a time of praise and gratitude. But prayer is also simply letting God know what we need and asking Him to help us. When it’s time to pray, if you want to pray for peace, you can ask God for it directly.

Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say when we pray. Powerful prayers can come from Scripture. You can use some of the scriptures you looked up in your prayer. Here’s an example of a prayer to pray:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I turn to you right now. I need your peace. You are the God of Peace. You and your peace are greater than any struggle I face. Please give me comfort and peace. Take away my fears and anxiety and replace them with deep peace. Help me to stay grounded on you as my rock-solid foundation and humble myself to pray. Nothing is certain in our world except for you! Give me wisdom on how to go about my life, who I can help, and what to do. Help me to wholeheartedly trust you! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

If you say a prayer like this each day, you will feel more connected to God, and will experience His perfect peace. If you need more support to help you in your faith journey, you can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine anytime. We are here for you, and we are ready to listen without judgment. We look forward to encouraging you and supporting you in your faith.

Do you often feel afraid and uneasy about what the future holds? Read through these 18 bible verses to help you overcome your fears through God’s Help and Hope.

Navigating Complicated Feelings About Marriage

Marriage is a complicated topic for many of us. Some people dream about getting married and make it one of their life goals. Others don't want to get married, or don't see themselves getting married in the future.

Take this message I got from a young woman recently:
"I feel like all my girlfriends are so focused on getting married, but I just don't feel the same way they do. I've dated here and there, but I've never thought marriage was a good next step with the men I’ve dated. Sometimes, my friends make me feel like I'm weird for not wanting to get married. Is that true? I love my friends, but I don't like feeling this way whenever the topic of relationships comes up."

I really felt for her when I read that. I know it's frustrating to feel differently than your friends on something, especially something important to you, when they don't seem to understand. But you are not abnormal or weird if you don't want to get married. Not everyone feels the same way about marriage and relationships. 

If you don’t want to get married, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. Here are some things to think about as you talk through things with your friends. I hope this advice will help you feel more at peace with your decision and more comfortable talking about it with people in your life.

Don't Give in to Pressure

This pressure to get married is probably strongest when you're dating. Friends and family want you to be happy. And for them, that equals getting married. But if that doesn't make you feel happy or fulfilled, don't do it. Don’t move forward in a relationship if you are not comfortable doing so. Your consent and your honesty are important. You don’t have to rush things. Be clear with those boundaries toward whoever is pressuring you.

You can say things like:

• "I know you want me to be happy, and I appreciate that. Staying single is very fulfilling for me right now."
• "I'm not comfortable thinking or talking about marriage right now. Let's talk about something else."
• "I need more time to learn about myself and grow as a person before considering marriage. Thanks for understanding."

Hopefully, once you've been clear with these boundaries, your friends and loved ones will respect them. If you're in a relationship, your partner may be feeling similar pressure. You can open up to one another and figure out how best to talk about your boundaries and plans with others. It may be a good opportunity to deepen your relationship and get clear on your goals together. 

Honor Your Feelings

You may not want to get married because of struggles or painful experiences in your past. 

Here are some reasons people have given me over the years for not wanting to get married:

• My parents divorced, and it affected how I feel about marriage and long-term relationships.
• The last relationship I was in was unhealthy or abusive. I have no desire to be in another relationship right now.
• My last relationship ended with cheating. I’m not ready to let someone get close to me again. 
• I don't know what I want from a spouse or a marriage yet. I'm still trying to figure that out.

It shows a lot of maturity to be honest when you feel that you don't want to get married or aren't ready for that. It shows that you've thought about marriage and relationships, and that you're not planning on rushing into either. And it shows that you are putting your well-being first, before making big changes in your life, like getting involved in a long-term relationship. 

Honoring those feelings and further exploring them is a way to find growth and healing. It can help you find greater peace and can strengthen future friendships and relationships.

Again, there's no need to rush through these feelings. They're complicated, and involve layers of your life, your character, and your relationships. It's good, appropriate, and normal to give yourself time to get to the bottom of these feelings, especially if there are painful feelings you need to let go of and heal from.

Work on Friendships

Marriage brings people great joy for many reasons. But it sometimes shifts your priorities and your focus away from others and toward your partner and the plans you're making together, which takes significant time and energy. That leaves some couples feeling like they don't get to spend as much time with friends. 

On the other hand, many people I've talked with who decided to remain single have told me that doing so opened the door for them to work on friendships and make new friends. When you feel pressured by people in your life, or by the messaging you get from movies, TV, and the internet, to get married, you can shift your focus away from that. Instead, focus time and energy on friendships:

• Think of a friend you haven't seen or talked to in a while. Send them a note, or schedule a video call.
• Do you have a friend who's been feeling lonely? Schedule some quality time with them.
• Have you been wanting to make new friends? Think about where you might go to meet new people that share your interests, and plan to visit one of those places.

Bringing new friends into your life, or rekindling old friendships, can be so fulfilling. And filling your time with meaningful friendships means you don't have as much time to dwell on others' pressuring you to get married, or any social pressure you feel to do so. 

Get to Know Yourself

Not being in a relationship, and not planning for marriage, gives you ample time to get to know yourself. 

• Explore your interests on a deeper level
• Try a new hobby or craft
• Think about your purpose in life, and what you hope to do to realize it
• Dig deeper into questions you have about life and the world

Time alone can be so enriching and rewarding. You can learn so much about yourself and the way you see the world. And you can build a greater sense of confidence in who you are. When I have time to myself, it encourages me to think about how God created me unique. There is no one else like me, and there's no one else like you. If you're open to thinking about God, taking time to reflect on His creating you for a unique purpose, with gifts no one else has, can be a great source of contentment.

Keep an Open Mind

How you feel now may not always be how you feel about marriage. Keep an open mind and explore your thoughts and feelings about marriage and relationships as they change. If you're unsure how you feel, or if the pressure of others to get married is still so great that it's overwhelming, you don't have to deal with these complicated emotions alone. 

TheHopeLine offers mentoring from trained HopeCoaches who can talk through life, relationships, and your feelings about those relationships with you. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today if you're frustrated by others' pressuring you to get married, or if you're looking for ways to find greater joy in being single. We're here for you, and we're ready to listen. No pressure, and no judgment.

How to Support Your Sibling Who Self-Harms

Even though I’ve spent many years counseling people through dark times and messy life situations, it still breaks my heart to hear about people cutting themselves. Not only because it causes so much physical pain, but because it’s an attempt to release the pressure of mental and emotional anguish that never solves the problems someone is having. 

Overcoming self-harm when you decide you don’t want to do it anymore is hard enough, but when someone you care about is cutting, it’s even more difficult to deal with the surrounding fear and anxiety. I recently got this message from someone about their sibling: “I don’t think my sister knows that I’ve noticed this, but I’ve seen marks on her wrists recently. She hasn’t been her usual self for a while, but I have no idea how to bring up self-harm with her, or what I can do to help her stop cutting. She and I are very close, and I just want her to be okay. What should I say?”

If you have a sibling cutting themselves, it’s completely understandable that you are fearful or concerned about their self-harm. I know it comes from a place of love, and I hope you see how powerful and meaningful that is. I hope that these suggestions will give you some ideas about how to have this important conversation and give you a greater sense of hope for your sibling, their well-being, and your relationship.

Be Honest and Clear

If you’ve noticed signs of self-harm, you should be honest with your sibling about your care and concern for them. It’s okay to be direct. Let them know: 

• You’ve seen that they’re hurting
• You’ve seen signs of harm on their body, and you’re worried
• There is hope for them to break free from the painful cycle of self-harm
• You want to support and help them when they’re ready to get help

It may be difficult for them to hear that you know about this part of their lives. If they get upset, do your best not to take their strong reaction personally. If they are open to talking about it, make yourself available. If they are not ready yet, give them time and space. Their knowing that you’re a safe place to go when they’re ready to talk will likely help them feel more comfortable opening up when the time comes.

Don’t Judge or Shame

You might believe with all your heart that self-harm and cutting are wrong, and you might be frustrated with your sibling for harming themselves. But it’s important not to come across as judgmental, or as shaming your brother or sister for their self-harming. It’s very likely that shame and self-judgment are driving their behavior. It’s completely understandable that you’re upset. But it’s better to talk about those tough feelings with someone you can trust to support you rather than your sibling who is harming themselves.

Ask Questions and Listen to Answers

Your sibling probably already feels misunderstood by others. They may not even understand why they harm themselves. It could help to ask questions out of genuine curiosity. 

Patiently asking questions can help you be more empathetic, and it can help your sibling make connections between their self-harming behavior and the tough things going on in their life. You might ask things like:

• Why do you think you cut yourself?  
• What’s causing you emotional, mental, or spiritual pain right now?
• Do you find that you cut when you’re worried about or overwhelmed by those things?

Your role in this conversation is to listen. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to know how to stop their self-harm. You simply need to let them know you’re there, you’re listening, and that you understand that life gets overwhelming sometimes.

Trust Them and Guard Their Trust

It’s important to show your sibling you believe them. Don’t minimize their pain or make the things that lead to their cutting seem like they’re not a big deal. Trust them to tell you the truth about why they’re hurting. And be sure to guard that trust by respecting their privacy. Don’t share your conversations with your sibling with others or talk about their self-harm on social media. 

Along with showing your trust in them, let your sibling know you believe in them:

• You believe they want a life free of the pain of cutting and self-harm.
• You believe they can find the support they need.
• You believe they have the strength to stop self-harming, especially with the right support.

Don’t Try to Change Them or Make Them Stop Cutting

One of the key things to remember is that self-harm becomes an addictive behavior for most people who do it. Why?

• Since someone who self-harms gets temporary relief from doing so, it’s hard for someone who cuts themselves to stop doing it. 
• The self-harm itself doesn’t solve the problems that cause your sibling to cut themselves, so they do it as long as their emotional pain persists.

If you understand this, you can see why self-harm is an addictive cycle. There are things you can do to support your sibling as they make efforts to help them break this cycle:

• Point them toward self-harm recovery groups
• Share helpful self-harm resources with them
• Remind them they are loved and listened to 
• Spend time with them doing things you enjoy
• Offer to check in about how their recovery is going

All of these are very meaningful and powerful ways you can support a sibling who self-harms. It ultimately has to be their decision to stop, but your love and care will make a positive impact no matter what. Try to find peace in all the ways you’re already supporting your sibling. 

Keep Loving Them

There’s no doubt about it. If you’re looking for ways to help your sibling stop cutting, you love them very much. Keep loving them! It may be extra important to show sensitivity, forgiveness, and grace to your sibling during this time as they try to find a way forward in their life, and away from self-harming behavior. Reminding them someone cares may go a long way toward reminding them they’re not alone, and that there are places they can still find joy and happiness in life. 

When I have a family member who is really struggling, it helps me to think about God’s love for us. God is always forgiving, He sustains us through life, and He gives us many meaningful relationships. Your sibling is going through a tough time. I hope you find some peace and comfort in knowing that God loves you and your sibling. He is bigger than all the problems and pain you’re experiencing, and He will be there whenever you or your sibling need His power and strength. 

Make Sure You Feel Supported

Whenever I meet someone who makes big efforts to support others, I always tell them to be sure they’re supported, too. Sticking by someone while they work to recover from self-harm is tough, even if they’re a sibling. You have somewhere to go, and someone to talk to, about the tough feelings you’re having. 

You can reach out to TheHopeLine anytime for confidential chat or email mentoring so you can feel encouraged as you try to encourage your sibling. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your sibling harming themselves, your struggles to help them, and anything else that’s on your heart. We’re here to listen and help without judgment whenever you need someone in your corner.

We have a partner resource for your loved one called, Door of Hope.  They provide emotional support, guidance and resources for young adults who struggle with self-injury. You can call, text, or email a recovery coach to help them start breaking free from self-harm today!

Successful Marriage Despite Divorced Parents

I’ve counseled many people at various stages of their romantic relationships. When people are considering marriage, lots of good questions come up. People want to make it work with the person they love, especially if they’ve seen and experienced difficult relationships in the past. Take this message I got recently:

“I love my fiancé so much. We have been trying to plan for our life together, and a lot of things are going great. But there’s something that’s been making us nervous. Both my and her parents are divorced, and we’ve both read that children of divorced parents often get divorced, too. I know this sounds crazy, but is our marriage doomed to fail?”

I really appreciate the honesty of their question. And I want to answer them honestly, too. The short answer is no. People who get married after growing up with divorced parents are not doomed to fail. Of course, there’s no guarantee that any marriage will be successful. But making efforts to confront your fears, and work through your ups and downs, together, will help bolster you and prepare you both for your future together. 

If your parents’ divorce has you worried about the success of your own marriage, I understand how you feel. After all, you’ve seen “the worst-case scenario” of marriage problems play out.

But I hope to encourage you both. You can have as strong and fulfilling a marriage as people whose parents remained together. It’s going to take self-awareness and ongoing effort to do that, but I believe you can both make the efforts you need to in order to grow closer and stay happily married. Here are my suggestions for making things work and growing closer in the years to come. 

Be Open About the Past

If you’re ready to get married, you and your fiancé have likely had many close and intimate conversations about your lives, including your struggles and successes up to this point. Continuing to be open about the past is key. Here are some things you might want to talk about together:

• How your parents’ divorce affected each of you as kids, how have things changed as you’ve gotten older
• How has their divorce has affected how you handle conflict, or how much you trust people
• How you hope to grow close as a couple
• What you think makes a stronger marriage 
• Your fears and expectations of what marriage will be like

You don’t have to solve all your problems or address all your fears at once. But being aware of how tough things have affected you will give you an idea of what you can work on together.

Think of Your Marriage as an Opportunity

Rather than a threat, your parents’ divorce could be an opportunity for you and your fiancé to use what you learned watching your parents. Instead of a purely tragic or bad event, it may help to consider divorce as a lesson in what not to do in communication and relationship-building. For example:

• If your parents argued a lot, you can talk about why they fought and work on healthy anger management together.
• If your parents had a toxic dynamic, you can learn about what makes relationships toxic so that your marriage will have clear, healthy boundaries.
• If your parents had conflicts based on misunderstandings, you and your fiancé can make an effort to communicate clearly about your emotions, your concerns, and anything making you feel anxious. 

Reflecting on your parents’ divorces can also help you and your fiancé develop a healthier perspective about your parents themselves. Thinking about how painful their divorce was, and how it hurts everyone involved, may help you take a gentler approach and be more understanding of them and each other.

Give Each Other Time and Space

Marriage is a joyful thing, but it brings up a lot of emotions, and those emotions might seem complicated and unpredictable. You or your fiancé might find yourself coming face to face with tough feelings about your parents, about marriage in general, or about trusting others. 

Those struggles don’t mean that your marriage will be in trouble, especially if you’re both making efforts to communicate clearly and find support. When you have tough days, giving each other time and space is important to your healing. 

Don’t Expect Perfection

A lot of relationship and marriage conflicts happen not because of terrible events, but simply because we’re disappointed our spouse didn’t meet our needs or expectations. 

Growing up around divorce might have left you or your fiancé longing for a perfect marriage. But nobody’s perfect. And “happily ever after” isn’t a realistic goal. You can free yourselves from the burden of impossible goals and expectations. After all, the best stories, and the strongest marriages, are between people who love one another, flaws and all. 

I’ve thought about this often throughout my marriage. When I’m struggling with wishing I could have been a more perfect spouse, it encourages me to think about my faith and ground myself, and my marriage, in those larger truths.

God loves me and my wife, even with all our flaws, and He has allowed us to have a strong and happy marriage in the face of many challenges. God created you to be in loving and meaningful relationships, but He knows we are not perfect. God offers us grace when we mess up and we, in turn, should offer our spouse grace. We shouldn't hold ourselves or our spouse to the standard of perfection. It simply doesn't exist this side of heaven.

Look Forward to Something New

Your marriage is neither of your parents’ marriages, and it will not have the same outcome, the same strengths, or the same challenges theirs did. 

Your marriage is a fresh start, with completely different people. And you’re committed to making it work. You can be honest about what you need from your marriage. And you can look forward to exciting possibilities: 

• What are you looking forward to about the future?
• What do you love about each other?
• What do you hope to give your fiancé in your life together? 
• How do you plan to encourage one another day by day?
• What kind of adventures will you go on together?

Looking forward to your new life together is a great way to get a healthier, happier perspective on your marriage that isn’t colored by conflicts your parents may have had with you, or with one another.

Get Ongoing Support

Premarital counseling is a great way to prepare for marriage. You can have those hard conversations about:

• Finances
• Whether to Have Kids and How to Raise Them
• Taxes and Legal Matters
• Faith and Religion

Ideally, you’d talk about these things before getting married. But ongoing support is essential to keeping the marriage strong in the years to come. Getting ongoing counseling and mentoring will go a long way toward maintaining healthy relationships with one another, and with new friends you meet as a couple. 

Whether you’re newly married or planning for marriage, you and your spouse don’t have to answer tough questions alone. TheHopeLine offers relationship resources and mentoring for a variety of marriage questions and challenges. You can talk to a HopeCoach today about your hopes for your marriage, challenges you’re concerned about, and how to go forward together with hope and confidence. 

As you move forward in dating and relationships, it's natural to wonder if you're ready to get married. Read my blog to find out. Also, check out our partners at Focus on the Family for premarital counseling. 

Learning How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissism is a type of mental illness that often has damaging effects on family relationships, especially when left untreated and unaddressed. 

That’s because narcissists can develop abusive behavior patterns as an unhealthy way of trying to cope with their mental illness without proper support.

The Mayo Clinic defines it this way. A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

I got a message recently from someone with a narcissistic parent:

“I grew up with my mom constantly making me feel guilty for not doing everything she said, even when she wanted to control who I spent time with and where I went. She always had to be the center of attention, and if she wasn’t, she said cruel things to me, my dad, and my sister. I don’t really talk to her very often, but I can’t help but feel worried that her abuse is going to ruin other friendships and relationships for me and my sister. Do you think I’ll ever be able to love someone again after being raised this way by my mom?”

I really felt the pain of this person when I read their message. It is natural to wonder, if you were raised by a narcissist, how your relationships and friendships might suffer. 

While there will be some struggles you have to overcome as a result, you’re not doomed or damaged goods because you have a narcissistic parent. Everyone’s parent relationships left them with challenges to overcome, and plenty of people who grew up around narcissists have gone on to have many healthy, happy friendships and relationships.

It’s important to remind yourself, as often as you need to hear it, that the abuse you suffered from the person who raised you is not your fault. While it may impact relationships, you are not defined by it. You are still your own person, and you have the ability to heal from the pain you experienced growing up, especially as you’re building new relationships with supportive people.

Here are some steps I’ve counseled people to take to help them learn to love and trust others after growing up around narcissistic abuse.

1. Understand Your Triggers

Relationships are often complicated by a parent’s past narcissistic abuse when something your new friend or partner does causes us to “flashback” to something harmful your parent did or said. This can happen even if no harm was intended and can lead to more conflict than necessary. 

Understanding your triggers can be a helpful way to counteract this. If you know when certain feelings (such as guilt, shame, obligation, or fear) come up, let your friend or partner know. 

You won’t be able to prevent every triggering word or action. But if talking about certain topics, hearing people make certain jokes, or even being in certain places, causes you to have spirals of undue guilt or shame, telling the people you care about means you can work together to heal your relationship from the effects of poor treatment by a narcissistic parent.

2. Distinguish the New Person in Your Life from the Narcissist

Whether it’s a new friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend, this new person you’re getting to know is not the same person as your parent whose words and actions hurt you. 

They will have different reactions, different strengths, different ways of communicating and relating to you. You are not doomed to repeat the same relationship over and over. If it helps, you can think through positive differences between the two relationships that help you to learn and trust this. Every time this person:

• Says or does something kind
• Encourages you to be yourself or do something for yourself
• Celebrates one of your accomplishments
• Gives you space to make mistakes and learn from them

They are showing you ways that this relationship is different from the parent relationship that caused you pain growing up. 

3. Give Yourself Time

Trust is earned, and that’s okay and normal. Even if you aren’t raised by a narcissistic person, it takes time to learn how your new friend or new romantic partner communicates. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you have some trouble communicating here and there, or if you find yourself feeling like some things are similar to your relationship with your parents. That doesn’t mean your friendship or relationship is doomed, especially since you’re actively looking for ways to grow and heal after narcissistic abuse. 

Give yourself time and space to learn and grow, and don’t forget that the new person you’re getting to know is learning and growing with you. 

4. Ask for What You Need

The narcissistic person who raised you made you believe that asking for what you need isn’t okay, but it is! In fact, if someone you’re getting to know is ever making you feel it isn’t okay to speak to your own needs, then they’re not for you. Let people know:

• What you need from a friend or a partner
• When you need alone time or space
• How you need to be supported after a hard day or during a stressful time

The more open you’re able to be about your needs, the greater sense of connection you can have as you learn to support and be there for one another. 

5. Learn to Love Yourself

Self-love is not selfish. Truly learning to love yourself is a process that involves treating yourself with patience, kindness, and grace. Being raised by a narcissist has likely hurt your self-esteem and self-worth. But those parts of you can heal. They have not been damaged beyond repair. 

If it seems especially difficult to love yourself, try thinking about how you treat others whom you love. Then think about how you can treat yourself the way you treat your friends and loved ones. 

• When you’re discouraged, how can you be kinder to yourself?
• When you’ve made a mistake, how can you be patient with yourself?
• What can you let go of that you’ve been beating yourself up for? What is one thing you can forgive yourself for today?

My faith helps me a lot because I believe that God created me out of love to connect with others in a meaningful way. I’m not sure how you feel about God, but please know that He loves you unconditionally, and nothing that someone else tries to do to hurt you, your feelings, or your self-esteem can diminish the unique things He loves about you in any way. 

6. Get Extra Support

Narcissistic people are very skilled at manipulating others to get what they want from a relationship. Because manipulation is hard to notice until after it happens, and because people who abuse often try to convince us there’s nothing wrong, recovering from narcissistic abuse is difficult. 

You should be proud of yourself for all the efforts you’ve made to heal. But don’t feel like you have to keep going on your own steam. Some days, it will be harder to keep working on your new relationships than others. 

If you’re struggling right now to be hopeful about your new relationships, you can get help here. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today about what life was like growing up. Find support to heal after being raised by a narcissist and get the encouragement you need to feel more confident in new relationships. We are here for you, and we’re ready to listen and help.

Are you trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse? Listen to my podcast as I talk to three young adults dealing with emotional abuse from their parents.