If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you.
As I’ve been answering your questions about the opposite sex, one of my desires has been to help us understand the concept of personal boundaries. What does that mean? When most people enter into a relationship they lose sight of themselves emotionally, they don’t know where they end and the other person begins. And then, without even thinking, they become willing to do whatever the other person wants, regardless of the consequences, simply to keep the other person close to them. This is the situation Madison is in, as shown with this question.
QUESTION #33) Madison asked: I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn’t do anything with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. And then he thinks the reason I don’t want to do things with him is because I don’t like him, which is so far from the truth. How do I tell him the real reason I don’t want to do anything with him, without having him leave me?
Without the sexual part of your relationship, you are better able to get to know someone.
DAWSON: It sounds like this would be a great opportunity to be very honest with yourself and your boyfriend. That will give him the opportunity to know more about the level of commitment you have to yourself, and to your relationship with God. This will give him the chance to decide whether he will honor your wishes or not. If he says he loves you, but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep held moral beliefs, I would say he doesn’t really love you, and you need to find someone who will–someone who will respect your boundaries. When you tell him why you believe what you do, you will give him a chance to see how beneficial committing to those boundaries could be to your relationship.
Being physical with a bf/gf has the potential to cloud a relationship, turning it into a monster that seems to only be driven by sexual desire, or what you can get from the other person. Without the sexual part of your relationship, you’re better able to get to know someone, and to clearly know whether you’d want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Living this way, you will end up marrying someone you truly know and respects you. Nothing could be more important. I applaud you, Madison, for desiring to live so radically, and so differently compared to how most of the rest of the world lives. Stick by your beliefs and create those boundaries.
QUESTION #34) David asked: I see girls everyday I wish I could go out with, but people tell me I don’t have a chance with them. So I don’t know if I should be miserable and not date or overcome my fear and ask out a girl people tell me I don’t have a chance with?
Learn about what girls find attractive about guys.
DAWSON: Thanks for the honesty in your question, David. I have to wonder who these people are that are telling you to not ask out certain girls. Why should you let someone else’s opinion tell you what these girls are thinking? I want to encourage you to be bold and courageous. But let me give you a couple things to think about first. Learn about what girls find attractive about guys. They love a guy who is confident, courageous, funny, interested in them (but not too interested!), strong, and smart. Women desire a man who will sweep them off their feet and treat them special. You are capable of being and doing all these things.
You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do.
Start by taking interest in a girl who you have some things in common with. Approaching her from out of the blue might be a bit too confusing for her and drive her away. Find some common ground and begin a conversation. Be a good listener. Make her the focus of your conversation. Don’t worry about going outwith her until you actually get to know her some, and discover if she likes spending time with you. Most guys make the mistake of moving too quickly with a girl. Slow down. She isn’t going anywhere.
You should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do. They may think you’re shooting for the moon, by asking out certain girls, but you can prove to them that it’s never wrong to dream big.
Thanks for sending in your great questions. Please keep writing to me with the questions you have about the opposite sex. We’re going all the way to 50 questions, so we still have room for yours! I look forward to hearing from you!
I’ve told my boyfriend my past with porn in relationships and through knowing how it’s affected friends and family close to me, and that it is a behavior I cannot tolerate. We’ve had arguments when he would “naturally” look at other girls in front of me, caught him twice and it was so hurtful to me. We are hardly intimate sexually anymore, and usually only when I initiate. And I’ve caught him watching porn and looking at images of girls, even after I’ve told him how it hurts me and has in the past. Yet he says he just “doesn’t have as high a sex drive”, and he has a new job where he works 10-12 hours a day and it’s pretty physically labor intensive. That I get. He also doesn’t enjoy doing the one thing that I like in sex, but I have no problem reciprocating for him. And now he says he wants to live in separate apartments as he think it’ll be better for us and he just isn’t sure about signing a year lease with me. He’s been much sweeter since and we’ve been intimate a few times since that conversation. I feel he is just placating me with him being nice. Thoughts? Much appreciated!