Bad Guys vs. Nice Guys - Why Girls Go for Bad Guys?

Dating Advice for Guys

I imagine most guys have all asked themselves at one point or another while dating…. what exactly is going on inside her head? What makes her tick? How does what I say, and how I act, affect her?

Three guys submitted three really good questions along these lines.  Specifically, why do good girls go for bad guys? Why do girls put themselves down? And how do you let a girl down easy?

Below is my attempt to answer these questions. Let’s get started…

Why Do Bad Guys Get the Good Girls?

Seeing a really nice girl go out with a guy that treats her terribly can be frustrating to any good guy who cares and is doing all the right things. Why does a girl choose a guy that’s bad for her? What is that all about?

Joseph asked: What is the motivation for a woman to go after an abusive, degrading man when she can just as easily get a nicer, more respectful guy?

This is a great question, Joseph. Many guys have spent sleepless nights wondering that same thing. Let me try to answer it.

It’s a Pattern They Understand

Sadly, some women are confused by the drama of an abusive relationship. Many women who choose this type of relationship have grown up in dysfunctional homes and that’s all they’ve ever known. It seems normal to them. They don’t even realize it CAN be better.

Others have been beaten down so much and have such low self-worth that they feel it’s all they deserve. That is why you will see some girls going back to the same cruel, controlling, obsessive, and yes, abusive guy.

It’s sad, but the best thing you can do is be kind to girls that have this background. Encourage them that they are worth more, but you might not be able to change their thinking.

Believe me, there are many girls who will respect the fact that you respect them.

Some other reasons women might choose bad guys is simply because they are attracted to certain qualities “bad” guys seem to possess.

Women Like Confidence

Women love a man with a great amount of confidence. Many like guys who go their own way and do their own thing. They value strength and like to know their man will protect them in a dangerous situation. While everyone is different, these are some of the things that women are drawn toward.

Unfortunately, many guys who exhibit these characteristics can take them to the extreme and be self-centered, demanding, and even abusive.

Nice Guys are Not a Challenge

Additionally, from some female’s perspectives, many nice guys can appear to be boring and uninteresting. They are not a challenge. They are easy to figure out, easy to trust, easy to understand. Not a bad thing at all, but some women like a challenge and the chase.
Bottom line is this…if you’re one of the nice guys, do NOT get mean or careless. Rather consider increasing the confidence you have in yourself. Move confidently toward the things you are interested in and excel at those things. Remember, the more confident you become, the more attractive you are.

Why Do Girls Put Themselves Down?

What motivates a girl to talk bad about herself? Is she doing it for attention? Is she seeking a compliment? Or does she really have that low of self-esteem?

Max asked: Why do some girls say that they are fat or ugly when they truly aren’t? I think most of the time they are looking for attention, but sometimes it’s not that. Could you explain why they say those things about themselves?

Society tells girls over and over again, unless they look a certain way, they are an inferior product.

Most women love to feel beautiful. The amount of shopping done is proof of that. They can spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, makeup and jewelry, all because it makes them feel more attractive.

So, self-esteem is at the core of your question, and this can especially be an issue for a young lady if she hasn’t been told of her beauty and worth as a little girl. One of the responsibilities of a little girl’s daddy is to tell his daughter she’s beautiful. If she doesn’t get that positive reinforcement from her dad, she’s going to convince herself she is unattractive.

Inner Beauty is Powerful

It would be great if all women understood the powerful truth about inner beauty. Inner beauty is the good qualities that come from within, such as love, kindness, compassion, creativity, and sensitivity to the opposite sex. In the end, it’s the inner beauty that will allow a woman to be beautiful far past her physical prime. Yet, many young women neglect developing the inner beauty and work only on the outer shell of their physical being.

God has made each of us beautiful in incredibly unique ways. But it’s easy to forget, and simply focus on trying to get other people to like us, or to tell us we’re valuable. Therefore, many women find it effective to cut themselves down, just so they can hear someone disagree with them. It’s a way of forcing a compliment out of someone. Before long, the person can’t ever say anything positive about themselves.

If you’re dating someone, let your girlfriend know with your words how beautiful she is, inside and out. This will give a priceless boost to her self-esteem.

How to Let a Girl Down Easy

I appreciate this question from a guy who wanted to remain anonymous. It shows he has enough respect for women to be kind and caring with their hearts.

He asked, how does a guy politely say he is not attracted to a girl? She may be nice, well-grounded, and a great future wife, but when there is no physical attraction, how should that be communicated to the girl?

Some guys will just brush the girl off, and ignore her, neglecting any kind of future contact with her. This is a pretty sad treatment of women. So, let’s decide to buck the system and treat women with respect and admiration. So how do you do it?

4 Tips to Letting a Girl Down Easy:

1. Keep it simple. Don’t make a big deal about it, you’ll only make her feel uncomfortable.
2. Have the conversation apart from other people.
3. Be as honest as possible. You could start by telling her that while she’s a great girl, you just don’t see a long-term future with her. Then if she wants a deeper explanation and asks you why you don’t see a future, you could tell her that while she is attractive, you don’t feel the two of you together have chemistry, and she deserves that.
4. If you want to be friends with her and nothing more, tell her that. But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t. Don’t lead her on.

Bottom line is that physical attraction is important for a long-lasting relationship to succeed. Of course, it’s not the only thing, but it is an element of any strong relationship.

In the end, treat her like you’d like to be treated yourself. The fact you are concerned about addressing this in a polite and respectful way means you’re already off to a great start.

For more questions from guys about dating, check out– How to Know if a Girl Likes You and much more.

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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