Emotional Abuse

How To Get Help & Heal From Emotional Abuse

Your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse may not attack you physically, but that doesn’t mean you are never at risk for an abusive relationship. 

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, often lurks below the surface of a relationship. It is just as harmful and serious as physical abuse. Because of this, it is important to know the signs of emotional abuse, to understand how it differs from anger, and to know where to get support when you need it.
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Examples & Effects of Emotional Abuse

In general, be on the lookout for overly suspicious or possessive behavior. Some of the most common examples are:

• Manipulation: The person who is emotionally abusive may withhold affection, attention, or care unless you do what they want.
• Gaslighting: When you try to raise concerns or objections, they convince you you’re crazy, and the problems you’re having or the emotions you’re feeling are “all in your head”.
• Over-Monitoring: They are overly concerned with everyone you talk to, communicate with, and hang out with. They may try to read your emails, texts, or mail. They may ask you lots of questions about where you’re going, who you will be with, and what you’re doing, even if it’s a familiar routine.
• Accusations: If a romantic relationship, your partner may be constantly suspicious you are cheating on them, even if you are always together. In other relationships, an abuser may accuse you of being a terrible friend, son, daughter, etc. no matter how many efforts you take to make it right. There is a general lack of awareness on the part of the abuser, and they often refuse responsibility for their own behavior.
• Verbal Abuse: Since it does not use physical harm, emotional abuse often goes hand in hand with cruel words and other verbally abusive behavior.

Some emotional abusers have the goal of wearing someone down over time so that it will be easier to get what they want. In the process, the abused person often develops severe depression and a very low sense of self-worth.


Emotional abuse may also have physiological effects. You may experience a significant amount of muscle tension causing body aches and headaches. You may have difficulty with your focus or concentration, making it harder to complete daily tasks. It's also not uncommon to develop insomnia, especially if you've experienced the abuse for a prolonged period.


Emotional abuse targets the mind. This means you will experience mental and emotional wounds. You may subconsciously shut down your emotions because you'd rather feel numb than to feel the pain being inflicted on your emotions. But this is not a healthy coping skill. You need your emotions awake for the other relationships in your life. Over time, if the abuse continues, you will likely feel an overwhelming sense of shame as you begin to believe the negative things your abuser is telling you about yourself.


There's a significant connection between our emotions and our spirit. For this reason, your spirit can also feel very wounded because of emotional abuse. You may begin to question the very core of who you are and become confused about previously held spiritual beliefs and practices you once lived by. It's important to understand that your spirit will also need to go through a healing process from the damage caused by emotional abuse. Seeking guidance from a pastor or counselor is a crucial part of the healing process.

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Emotional Abuse: Anger vs. Control

Emotional abuse goes beyond anger, arguments, and yelling. While anger issues should certainly be addressed, it’s important to look for the distinctions between anger and abuse.

Anger is a natural emotion, rooted in hurt or injustice. Expressing anger is appropriate, as long as we don’t do it in a way that tears down people we love or treat them with deliberate cruelty.

Licensed Professional Counselor Andrea Matthews explains the difference:

“First, let’s talk about what emotional abuse is not. It is not emotionally abusive to break up with a partner. It is not emotionally abusive to argue with your partner. It is not emotionally abusive when someone reacts to what you have done with hurt. Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as their weapon.”

While we see many cases of emotional abuse in romantic relationships, it can occur in any close relationship with a friend or family member, too.
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Get Help During & After Emotional Abuse

Your partner, friend, or family member may not realize they are being controlling, or they may be doing it deliberately out of an intense sense of jealousy. Either way, they are putting your emotional and mental health at risk, and you need to take action.

You are not to blame for the emotionally abusive behavior of your romantic partner, friend, or family member.

You are worthy of care. Reaching out for help is a crucial step when it comes to freeing yourself from an emotionally abusive relationship.


You may feel very isolated and alone because of the abuse you've endured. You may have been convinced that it is somehow your fault and that you're not even worth defending. But these are lies which both the abuser and the effects of the abuse on your mind cause you to believe. The truth is you are worth defending, and you have a Great Defender. God can give you the power to defend your heart and mind from the lies that bombard your thoughts.

Through reading the Bible you can learn great truths God about who God says you are, and you can find a place of refuge and safety. Psalm 54:4 says...But God is my helper. The Lord is my defender.....Allow God to help you strengthen and heal. Allow His words of truth help you defend against the negative lies.

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