My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do


How to Handle Cheating

Do Relationships Survive Cheating?

Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.

If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships. 

Reactions to Cheating

Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of  these thoughts crossed your mind:

"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"

"I hate them."

"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."

"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"

"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now!  I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."

"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"

It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse.  It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost.  It is rejection on a whole different level.

So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.

Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On


1. Don't waste time trying to get even.

One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true.  It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!

3.  Don't bear other people's guilt.

When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4.  Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship.  So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.

Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote:   If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.

Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.

Here’s the longer answer:

Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?

If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.

Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?

That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.

The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.

The Truth is You Are Exceptional

Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you.  So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth.  If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.

I hope you know how special you are.  If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18

You deserve more!  You were made for more!

For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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309 comments on “My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do”

  1. I am currently in a relationship where I unfortunately cheated on my boyfriend to get back at him after finding out that he said that his best friend could have sex with me. I felt so used and stupid. We split up for a couple of weeks and then he called me asking me to come see him. I went and I apologized for the infidelity and he forgave me. We started to fix our relationship again and more drama followed I lost my job, was kidnapped by family who refused to take me home or listen to me. My boyfriend panicked and went looking for me. We were kicked out the house and we had to figure everything out and moved in to stay with him and his gran. I started to feel like something was bothering me, he never left his phone alone, always had to go to work for 2-3hrs.. he became more secretive and I just had this gut feeling like he was cheating. He carries on like everything between us is good, sometimes we are great other times not so much. I decided to do something wrong and that was snoop through his phone when he was sleeping. I started with the usual App WhatsApp and I found 4 chats with different women. One women was in her 40s he admitted that he found her very attractive and hoped to see her often. The other 3 were between the age of 22 to 35, they were flirting and sharing nudes. And they have been taken recently in our bedroom bathroom
    in the new house we and his gran moved into. While I was sleeping. And he has been talking to them through out our whole relationship. I suspect he has even actually slept with them. I checked his other social Media apps and it came up more or less the same. One of the ladies I assume is a escort because they were negotiating prices for her nude photos, videos and actually meet up. But he has a different story for each of them to why he couldn't meet up... obviously I was wake and with him. Makes me so angry that it was happening right next to me, I feel so dirty thinking about the possibility that he had sex with them and came home to have sex with me, saying that he loves me more than life and he can't wait to marry me etc... I confronted him obviously asking if he was talking to other women or send nudes to other women literally
    admitting to snooping, he got defensive and denied everything. But I got my proof that I was right about the gut feelings I had each time he 'went to work'... only one minor problem is... I am pregnant with his baby and I know very well he doesn't want him children growing up like he did.
    So I don't know what I am going to do, but I honestly know for a fact that I will catch him in the act again soon. I stood by him for so long and had his back, we were supposed to be a team... but now he has literally broken heart and my trust.
    I need advice on what to do?

  2. So last year ibhad a really bad breakup. My college boyfriend left me when he got a job. I was and I'm still jobless. When he was called for interviews, he asked me to pray for him and I did. I even asked my mom to help us pray.
    The following week, he got the job and was to report in a Monday. On Sunday, he just stopped picking my calls or replying to my texts. This was the man that told me if he got the job, we would make our dreams come true and I believed him. I was hurt and a week later he called to tell me he was quiet on me cz he needed some space. I felt really used, cz through out college, I stood by him and he was abandoning me after getting a job.
    So I decided to move on.. after a month of moving in, he called me to tell me I shouldn't wait for him cz we weren't working. I said okay but then I felt so bad, I pleaded with him. I wanted him back but he didn't want me. So he left And by God's grace I found peace. I started sleeping through the night without waking up at 3am hurting.
    I was happy being alone but it didn't last long.. it was two months later then I found this guy. He was sweet and we became close for three months before we slept together. He was really patient and kind and I wanted someone kind so that when I was hurting they cud understand.. we had our six month anniversary on the first of June and so on the 4th,I visited his place and we were happy.. until he received a call and he acted really weird, so I asked him about it and he told me it was a friend. But I asked why he was being weird, he said it was his friends girlfriend. As we were going back to my place, I asked him to call her and talk to her nicely, then he refused. He left the phone with me and tge girls l called. She was surprised that I answered the call, it was his other girlfriend. They have been together for five years and she told me he's been cheating repeatedly. Im hurt 😭😭😭

  3. I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. There seemingly was no indication that anything was wrong and were planning our life together. Then I discovered he was cheating with a woman from work. When I confronted him he dumped me and told me he'd been lying to me for at least a year and never had any intention in making a commitment with me. On top of that he's a consultant and I worked for him. His new girlfriend asked him to fire me and made sure she was with him so she could hear him do it. I don't know how people can be so incredibly cruel and mean to someone they supposedly loved.

  4. I have been with my boyfiend for just over a year..... we have an amazing time together but he can be moody sometimes and make me feel like its my fault.... i started getting suspicious as he is always on his phone and will go off whatever he was on if i am around.... he takes it to the bathroom with him even if he is having a wee and i know people do that but I noticed that it always showed as him being online on Facebook when he did this... so naturally I questioned him.... he made me think i was crazy and told me that we won't work if i don't trust him.... so i let it go and apologised for being so paranoid..... 7 months pass and I had forgotten this thought we were going really well and then something i dont know what but let's call it my gut, was telling me something was off. Three days pass with me feeling like this and I dodnt dare say anything after last time so I did a bad thing..... i looked at his phone..... i saw that he had been messaging three women for at least 7 months..... asking to meet, saying that they know how he feels about them...... i didn't read much i just saw that and i felt sick to my stomach...... this guy has been telling me i am crazy..... he told me that he has had a really bad break up about 4 years ago and he is damaged.... he says he loves me and would never have met them he just needed to feel like someone else wanted him....... i don't get it and don't know what to do........ he swears he will change but how can I believe this..... how can I believe a thing that comes out of his mouth because even I confronted him about the messages he lied right to my face and swore on his sons life that he had nothing to hide..... please help..... im so broken....

    1. Poor thing. Dumb him, there are no excuses for that. Be happy that you're outta these relationships as they would never be good with a man like that.

    2. I'm a man, unfortunately, I know some guys with the same behavior pattern. To be honest, they never change. After getting back to their partners, are doing the same crappy things. Leave him. You will find somebody better.

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