There are a lot of broken hearts out there. People go into relationships believing if they date someone, they will be happy and eventually find the right person and live happily ever after. However, somewhere along the road to finding Mr. Right, all kinds of things go wrong.
One reason why so many girls get their hearts broken is that they date the wrong guys. I’m convinced most young women don’t have any guidelines for the kind of person they will date. So if some guy comes along and he’s hot or shows them a little attention, they will date him. Often, they jump in without any idea as to who this guy really is. It’s like they’re rolling the dice, hoping they’ll come up lucky. Sadly, most of the time they do not. The odds are stacked against them.
I got a really cool comment from a girl named Keriann. She said,
Before I started dating I made a list. I know it sounds corny but I made a list of the things that a guy would have to do or be to date me.
I don’t think that’s corny at all. Every young woman should have a list of qualities they want in a guy they date. It doesn’t hurt one bit to be picky when it comes to dating guys. In fact, it’s okay not to date at all. In all of my years of working with teenagers and young adults, I have never seen or heard of someone dying because they didn’t have a boyfriend. I have heard of a lot of girls who died inside or had their hearts broken because they dated the wrong guy.
So What About Finding the Right Guy?
What can you do? I’m going to suggest 4 questions every young woman should ask herself before going out on a date. And then I will tell you 4 important things that give a relationship a good foundation.
The 4 Questions for Finding the Right Guy:
If you are going to date this guy, do you know enough about him?
Everybody has a reputation, including the person who has just asked you out. There’s an old saying that goes, ‘The street seldom lies.’ Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. (Jessica) Usually, a person’s reputation at his school or where he lives is pretty close to accurate. Look at how he has been in past relationships like has this person cheated? (Kiah) Unless he has had a radical change in his life, if he has cheated on other people, he is likely to cheat on you. Talk to your most trusted friends about him. They can also help you. They can ask his friends about who this guy really is. Your friends will almost always tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts. Remember, when you’re not willing to listen to good advice, you’re almost always walking into trouble.
If you are going to date this guy, are you on the same page spiritually?
There are no deeper thoughts or values than those that come from our spiritual being. What we believe spiritually will tell us a lot about our values and how we look at our world. Without agreeing on spiritual beliefs, most relationships will crumble. Our spiritual beliefs also are a guide to what we are morally. What we are morally will affect every area of our life. That is why you should find out what his moral beliefs are.
If you are going to date this guy, does he treat you with tremendous respect?
By respect, I mean the willingness to show consideration or appreciation. All of us want to be appreciated and be shown consideration. Lack of respect will destroy a relationship faster than just about anything else. Without real respect, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. One of the ways you can find out whether or not he will show you respect is how he treats others. For example, Katie advised, [Does he] respect his mom? If a man doesn’t respect his mom, even if it’s just because she brought him into this world, then don’t be with him. Or as Elizabeth said, “The way that a man treats his mother is an almost guaranteed to tell you how he will treat you.” You could ask other questions about your potential date. How does he treat his sister? Teachers? Friends? But also, look at how he treats inferiors. Bottom line – only date a guy who treats you with respect. You will show yourself, and the world, you respect yourself.
If you are going to date this guy, can you trust him?
No relationship can last without trust because trust is the foundation of all relationships. Trust is something that is earned. When somebody has the reputation of being trustworthy, he/she have earned something priceless because others can put their faith in him/her. You have no doubt heard the saying, You’re only as good as your word. Therefore, you need to ask some very tough questions about the guy you’re thinking about dating. Can you trust him to treat you with respect? Protect your safety? Not take advantage of you? Speak well of you? Tell you the truth? Be faithful to you? To be with your family? To be at a party with? To confide in? These and other questions are extremely important. I think that the most important thing for a girl to look for in a guy is honesty. Without honesty, every single other quality can’t help the relationship, because there is no trust. (Chad)
4 Foundations for a Strong Relationship:
- The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love…not lust, not popularity, not need. Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else, In other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.
- Secure people build secure relationships. The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started…like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life. If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from other relationships with family, with friends, and from God.
- There is a balance in all good relationships. That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone’s girlfriend, not their slave.
The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is downright terrifying for a lot of guys. On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in their own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into the foundation of a relationship.
- Don’t settle, be patient and willing to wait. Here is a little paradox. Sometimes you will find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking for him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don’t keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building their own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship worth waiting for.
For additional help in finding the right guy, read my blog, How to Find a Meaningful Relationship.
Photo Credit: Vitor Pinto