She's Pregnant at 17

It's every girl's nightmare. You have a boyfriend, and you feel you're in love. Love to you means making him happy and giving him sex. You're not thinking straight. You haven't thought through the consequences of premarital sex.

If you have thought about the consequences, you're convinced you can beat the odds and have unprotected sex and not get pregnant. But one day, reality hits. It has dawned on you that you have skipped your period. But you put this experience in the back of your mind because girls have irregular periods all the time. But then you start having morning sickness. Something is definitely wrong. Could it be you're pregnant? You tell your closest friend your fears and the two of you head off to see the doctor. She runs some simple tests that confirm you are definitely pregnant. You're scared and you don't know what to do. The many questions you have about your situation only lead to mass confusion. What do you do next?

What Are Early Signs of Pregnancy?

If you have recently had unprotected sex, you might be wondering if you are pregnant. Some signs of pregnancy include:

• Missed Periods
• Nausea or Vomiting
• Increased Appetite
• Weight Gain and Bloating
• Dizziness, Lightheadedness, or Fainting
• Unusual Mood Swings
• Heightened Depression or Anxiety

If you have symptoms like these, especially if you have not had your menstrual period when expected, you should request a pregnancy test from your doctor or OBGYN. Over-the-counter pregnancy tests can give you a strong indication of whether you may be pregnant, but it is always best to see a doctor to confirm your pregnancy so they can be aware of your needs and advise you of next steps.

You Found Out She's Pregnant

It's every guy's nightmare. You have a girlfriend and she's really hot. Not only is she hot, but you think you're lucky. You told your girlfriend you really love her, and it becomes clear to you she will do just about anything for you. What you want is simple you want sex. Your body seems to crave it. It makes you feel strong, powerful, and loved. You have heard time and time again about the importance of either abstinence or safe sex. But you hate condoms and forget to use them half the time. When passion is high, who wants to stop and worry about a condom? You have had sex with other girls and never got them pregnant. Maybe you're bulletproof. Maybe you can play every day and not have to pay. But one day, the free ride comes to a screeching halt. Your girlfriend comes to you frantic, afraid, and confused. She is pregnant. You are the father. She is looking to you for support and that love you told her about. You are in a jam. You can't really support the baby and all you really want to do is run and somehow make this nightmare go away. You have no idea what to do next. How do you tell her parents? Should you marry her? What about abortion, adoption, etc? Suddenly it dawns on you. All that sex you had is not worth it. You had your thrill, but now all you feel is a chill.

They Thought It Would Never Happen

On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, I have heard these two scenarios literally hundreds of times. But it doesn't make it any easier to try and come up with a solution to the Whoops I'm pregnant! problem. So how is it two people get themselves into such a mess and what do you do once you're there?  There have been millions of teenagers and young adults who thought getting pregnant without being married would never happen to them. They were wrong. There are worse things than getting in trouble with an unplanned pregnancy, but nonetheless, it has rocked many a person's world.

Unplanned Pregnancy

Here is Megan's story that will help you get the picture of what I've been talking about:

I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had my baby. I got myself in that situation because I was desperate for attention and love... She is now 3 1/2 months old. When I found out I was pregnant I pretty much knew, there wasn't much surprise, and I knew from the beginning what I would do. Abortion is not an option and I thought that I could support my child enough to not have to give her up for adoption. Unfortunately, my journey has been an exceptionally tough one. my daughter's father broke up with me when I was 2 months pregnant, and I have had no support from him at all am very lucky to have a very supportive family and supportive friends. It has been a struggle and a lot of changes have had to be made for her, but it has all been worth it. I have had to put off college and I barely graduated high school. I just hope that anyone else in my position would do everything in their power to finish school and continue school, for the sake of their child. It can be done, and I hope that I can be an example of that. I believe I got myself in that situation because I was desperate for attention and love...the fact that I grew up without a strong father figure in my life made me have that desperate feeling. Thankfully I have come to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness and move on with my life for my daughter. - Meagan

If you are wondering whether or not you're pregnant, you probably have a lot of questions and are feeling overwhelmed. Contact our crisis pregnancy partner, Optionline, for help. You Can chat online, call or text them.

Love Gives, Lust Takes

A relationship based on lust can be devastating. It's impossible to know how many people's lives have been really messed up because of lust. I do know lust has left a lot of people as hurting victims. Amy sent me a poem this week about lust. It's pretty deep. Got me thinking. Thought you might like it.

I desire in the moment, not in the heart
I chose to spend a night with you,
But those hours were spent in lust,
I felt your passion,
Touched by dominance,
I felt something in me I stared into your eyes,
But after the moments over I begin to despise,
I have a heart that believes the words you say,
I don't know how I will be able to walk away,
But I praise myself if I don't think of you today.
My dreams wander to the person I love,
You constantly reappear,
I force myself to vomit thoughts of you,
I slip into sinful fantasies,
But the night is a painful reminder,
That I remain alone. - Amy

Love is every bit as beautiful as lust is ugly. Lust causes so much confusion it can lead you in the opposite direction of where love is. So, you go down the road of lust thinking you will find love only to find emptiness and a craving for more love. I appreciate the comment Dara sent me. Her words were honest, straightforward, and cold as ice. That's what lust will do to you turn you into someone as cold as ice.  I hate being alone and find lust easier than love. Lust does hurt, each and every time. I know what the outcome will be and [yet] I still touch the hot stove with my bare hand. Maybe for girls, all women, all ages that are dealing with and understanding what I'm saying I leave you with this one thought...... We have to LUST TO FIND LOVE, the world is cold and when we find something warm it feels so good, so we lust. Lust to me is what you have to go through to find your love, the world isn't a perfect place. Problem is lust seldom leads to love.

So, what are the differences between love and lust that would make them such opposites? There are far too many differences for me to list in one blog, but a few will suffice.

It is true that lust causes confusion, sometimes fooling us and luring us into its trap. But most of the time, we recognize lust for what it is and choose to follow it blindly. Somehow, we hope lust will bring us to a happy ending. It never does. It can't. It does not know how. Lust will never change. It will always be what it is.

Love never changes either. Love wants to lead us to the right path where there is happiness, hope, and a deep sense of self-respect. Love always gives because God is love. So, ask yourself again, Am I in love or am I fooling myself all the while walking into the cruel trap of lust? The decision is ours and will always be so. Will we walk down the road of love or lust? How we answer this question will dictate what our lives will become. Choose love

I find so many people who call my radio show confused between lust and love. Love is the most abused word in the human language often being used instead of what it really is lust. Lust can cause deep confusion and destruction. So often I will hear a caller say, "I am in love." When in reality, it is not love at all. Sometimes it's infatuation. Other times it's nothing more than raw lust. There are times I want to yell into the microphone at my studio and say to the caller, "Don't call it love because it's not!"

Don't Confuse Love and Lust

As you read this blog, I want you to really think with me about what I'm about to say. It may challenge your thinking and feelings, but in the end, it could clear up a lot of confusion and save you from a lot of pain.

So, what is lust? Lust literally means to over desire. It is when you take something that is good, twist it, and add cravings to it until you are consumed with what you want to have. When we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex, it can be defined this way - "when a person's body is far more important than their soul."
I received some awesome definitions of lust from some in my radio audience:

• Lust is selfishly dwelling on and fantasizing about sexual activities or entertaining sexually arousing thoughts with no thoughts of the other person's feelings. Love doesn't lust. (Jonathan)
• Lust is when you look at someone with passion for their body. And don't really see who they truly are or who they want to be other than your trophy and toy. (Megan)
• Love lasts forever, but lust only lasts for a while. (Deanna)

As I researched this topic of lust, I have found many definitions. I have listed some below.

Lust...

• Causes the brain to produce the same reaction as if on cocaine or speed. Lust really is like a drug; it leaves you wanting more. (Dr. Jon Marsden - Director of the National Addiction Center)
• Comes quickly and leaves quickly.
• Only wants to get into bed with you.
• Is a craving for self-gratification, usually sexual?
• Focuses only on outward appearance.
• Is impatient.
• Is rude and manipulates.
• Seeks to get and never give.
• Self-centered.
• Doesn't care about others.
• Is jealous and insecure.
• Seeks revenge and doesn't forgive.
• Covers up and lies about wrongdoings.
• Will do whatever it wants to get its way.
• Leaves when it's no longer getting.

Every person who has ever dated or lived has struggled with lust. If you haven't yet, you will.  But you can resist entering into a relationship built on lust. With an understanding of what lust is and its selfish motivations, you can say no to a lust-driven relationship and choose love instead. You deserve love.

Have you ever liked someone a lot and found out they only wanted you for your body? Have you ever thought you loved someone but realized it was only lust? Share your thoughts below. I want to hear from you.

Moving forward from Love Addiction

I have been thinking about how devastating it is when a love addict finally admits and owns his/her love addiction. Is it any wonder people hang on to their addictions for all they're worth because, if you finally admit you are a love addict and your relationship is based on faulty thinking and feelings, then where do you go? You give up your boyfriend/girlfriend because the relationship is toxic, harmful, and scarring.

Let's look at how we can trade our love addiction for a healthy, meaningful relationship.

I get that it's scary to get out of a relationship and be left totally alone with a deafening silence and ache deep within your soul. But you must not believe the lie that your next relationship will be any different if you don't first pause and examine yourself and past relationships. You've talked yourself into a love treadmill that leads to exhaustion and takes you nowhere.

So, what should you do? How can you stay sane when you do not have a significant other or someone in your life?

6 Steps to Prepare Yourself for a Meaningful Relationship:

1. Work on being alone. It's going to be hard but accept yourself for who you are without a boyfriend/girlfriend to prop you up. Spend time with God. Spend time with other friends whom you are not romantically interested in. It is amazing how free you'll feel not having that panicked feeling that you have to have someone in your life. You must have an accurate sense of who you are, your own identity. Someone who is too caught up in their own insecurities and shortcomings will live with a "me" mentality. A great relationship starts with being comfortable with who God has made you to be and His dream for your life, and then allowing that to overflow into the life of another. (Sarah)

2. Talk about your bend towards love addiction with friends or a minister or counselor. Just talking about these things will help you more clearly understand yourself and realize you are not alone.  Talk to someone who will talk loving, but straight with you. In time, you will learn an incredible truth it's okay to be alone. You will not die without a boyfriend/girlfriend. Life does go on. There is more to life than an addictive, toxic relationship. Without all the emotional panic and crazed feelings, you can begin to slow down and actually enjoy life for what it is. Is this easy? No. It will take time to learn a whole new way of thinking and acting.

3. Work on developing new friendships with people from both sexes that do not have any romantic overtones to them. I've always thought people of the opposite sex need to be together just to hang out as friends. This will not only help fill the need for companionship but will also help you understand what the opposite sex thinks and feels about the key issues of life. You can learn a lot about the opposite sex through good friends, especially when there isn't the pressure to have some dramatic, big-time love relationship. Let's face it, if you are a love addict you definitely need a rest from all the drama and intensity of an impossible relationship. You are no doubt tired. Finding new friends will help give you the rest and relief you need to look more clearly at yourself and think about the kind of person you would like to have a romantic relationship with.

4. Slowly work your way back into a dating relationship. The important thing to remember here is to slow down and not force things. A lot of times, a person you will really come to love will come into your life when you weren't even looking for them. It's amazing how that works, but I have heard hundreds of people tell me they found the one they love the most when they weren't looking for them. To find a boyfriend/girlfriend out of panic is a recipe for disaster. So slow down and let life come to you. God will fill the hole in our soul and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time.

5. Develop a meaningful relationship with God. No matter what you think about church or organized religion, the fact is you and I are wired to have a meaningful relationship with God. He is the only One who can give us peace and confidence when we feel alone. Because in a real sense, we are not totally alone if we have a relationship with God. God will fill the hole in our soul and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time. He loves us millions of times more than we can ever love ourselves. We need to turn our whole desire to be loved over to Him. After all, He is the very essence of love. Take time to find and know God. He alone will transform our lives.

6. Begin to look for healthy qualities in the people you meet. You don't need to date one more troubled, self-indulgent, toxic person. You need to change your whole way of thinking about the kind of person you might want to date with. For example, Sarah had thought through the kind of person she would like to date. A good relationship takes an equal amount of commitment from each partner. You have to allow your partner their personal space, allow them to spend time with their friends instead of always wanting to know where they are. There also needs to be equal understanding and support from both partners. You have to appreciate your partner's positives as well as their negatives. Relationships are mainly about equilibrium and stability between the partners. (Sara)I totally agree with what Sarah said. Don't settle for second best.

As I close, I want to end this blog where I began when I started writing about love addiction with the wise words of King Solomon recorded in the Bible. He said, "guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." 

Many people don't have the patience to let a relationship develop. They rush into things, but it never lasts. Learn how to find a meaningful relationship.

I've been talking about love addiction for quite some time now. Believe it or not, I'm going to wrap up this subject pretty soon. I've talked about it longer than just about any other subject because I'm convinced that love addiction is the #1 addiction people face.

It may be hard to identify, but it's consuming and destructive all the same. A love addict obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through romantic relationships. Once in a relationship, they feel they can't live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, they panic and will do whatever they have to do to get into a new relationship. 

I've been amazed at how many people have commented to me that for the very first time, they understand they are truly in a love addiction. I'm not really all that sure if I'm a love addict or not. From the list of symptoms that you gave I see that I have most of them. I really think I am though. It's tough when you finally realize something like this. It's tough to realize that you're addicted to anything. (Jeannie)

I also received another comment where a blog reader realized they are a love addict. It's like a light goes on in their head and a whole new world opens up to them. I have listened to your show and read the topic for this week for the first time tonight. After all of it I think I have realized that I too am addicted to love. Wow...it has put everything into perspective for me. (Emily)

Walking Away from Love Addiction

Last week, I talked about how we must own our love addiction and the lies that go with it. We must truly admit to ourselves we have believed lies that keep us from being set free from the frantic search of always needing a romantic relationship to feel whole. This is never easy, because it takes a lot of courage to accept that our beliefs have lied to us and played us like a fool.

Three things that are necessary, but hard to accept

• It is hard to accept that our self-esteem is so low that we often demand our partner be like a god and meet our every need.No one wants to feel helpless and end up all but worshipping someone who in the end will leave us behind. We were designed to worship God, not our boyfriend/girlfriend. Yet time after time, we are deceived into thinking somehow if we meet that next partner, they will be perfect, and all our needs will be met through them.
• It is hard to accept we're on an emotional treadmill which leads to nowhere but exhaustion. If you are a love addict, you will see your dating relationships tend to have a pattern to them. Stop and think for a while. How has every dating relationship that has failed you started and ended? You will see you have been doing the same thing with the same emotions, ending up with the same sad results, time and time again. But many of us have been running on the treadmill so long we don't even realize we're not going anywhere.
• It is hard to accept that love addiction leaves us confused about the emotions we carry for the other person. Almost every love addict confuses what is happening in the relationship with love. For example, most love addicted relationships are full of drama. Most love addicts confuse the drama of a relationship with the devotion of the other person. Just because there is a lot of excitement and drama taking place does not necessarily mean your partner is devoted to you. Most love addicted relationships also are very intense. The addict confuses the intensity of the relationship for intimacy. They are not the same, not even close. Other love addicts get heavily involved sexually with their partner. They think the deep emotion stirred by sex is really love. They confuse the sex they are having with their partner with a sense of security. The feelings of sex make them want to be closer and closer to their boyfriend/girlfriend, therefore feeling extremely secure. That of course is a lie. Sex without true commitment leads only to more insecurity, not less. Then one day they wake up and find out their partner is gone, and that sex is not the glue that held the relationship together.

Freedom from Love Addiction

In the end, once we have courageously and with great humility owned the lies that have held us in our addiction, we can come to the freeing reality that we don't need another person to be fulfilled. While looking to God, we can be fulfilled, have meaning, and have purposeful relationships without the confusion of love addiction.

First thing [you] have to realize is that no one can complete you until you are happy with yourself.
There is a fine line between lust and love and a lot of people have a hard time distinguishing the two. It's not easy to break old habits, or to reinvent yourself, but no relationship you ever have will work out if you don't find yourself first... you have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. (keilah)

Is There Help for Love Addiction?

I have written a few articles on love addiction, and I have learned so much about it and how it affects you, me, and just about everybody else. A love addict is relatively easy to spot within ourselves and in others.

For example, if you are a love addict, you no doubt obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships.

Once in a relationship, you feel you can't live without the other person, and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.

No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try

Just looking at this definition makes us think of how many people, including ourselves, in one way or another fit this description. Think of all the desperate, wounded people there are on the treadmill of what they think is love, and yet they can't get off.

They're searching for someone who will heal them and make them feel whole, but that person is not out there. No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try, but yet we keep on searching.

My mom used to say, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. The only problem with love addiction is there isn't even a needle to be found.

It's one thing to know what love addiction is. It's still another to break away from its chains. I received a very direct and candid comment from Sarah.

Dawson, do you really think it is possible to be cured? I'm not sure. Doesn't the saying go, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?' So then, once a love addict, always a love addict?' I've learned how to deal with the external stuff that stems from a love addiction, but the internal struggle is often pretty intense. I don't think I am cured. I think I just learned to practice self-control in relation to the symptoms. The craving' hasn't just disappeared. How do you fix the inside stuff? (Sarah)

Yes Sarah, there are cures to love addiction. It won't be easy, but the struggle and the journey to find healthy relationships and peace are well worth it. So, let's begin.

To Get Free of Love Addiction

To get free from love addiction, we must clearly understand how deeply the cravings for love penetrate our hearts. It's what comes out of our hearts that affects everything else we do. There is no deeper emotional desire we have than to love and be loved.
King Solomon, who's been called the wisest man in the Bible, said,

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Emotionally, our hearts are extremely fragile and can be easily hurt, therefore sending us in the wrong direction of life. Our innermost being started out as a beautiful creation of God, but with wrong choices we can easily trash it and leave it sick and in great need.

Picture in your mind for a moment a beautiful white carpet (perfectly white). Then picture someone coming into the room where the white carpet is, and throwing garbage, manure, and staining paint all over the carpet. The white carpet was never designed to be trashed like that. Something beautiful has become disfigured. That is a lot like our hearts. We, and other people, do not guard our hearts and therefore they become stained and damaged.

It is heartbreaking for me to see how many people simply throw their hearts away allowing themselves to be repeatedly hurt while trying to soothe their heart. They go from one relationship to another to another to another on the treadmill of tragedy.

Before long, their whole life is ruined. there is more to life than your partner. To have them playing God is too much to ask. I know because I did the same and now [my boyfriend] has hurt me and left. This was going to happen anyway, my mother left me and I leaned too much on him causing the stress on his shoulders. I don't blame him for leaving, but [what] he said hurt and I'll never get over that for those who seek something more and personal need to find it within themselves. Address the problem and take time to heal. If you don't, it could be worse, and you could lose everything plus more (Tori) 

Tori is absolutely right. If you don't guard your heart, you could end up losing what's most important in life love.
So where does the healing for love addiction begin? It begins by admitting our hearts are priceless and affect every area of our lives. We must make a commitment to protect our hearts and not just throw them away looking for love in people and places where love cannot be found. Let us all respect our own hearts.

Think you may be struggling with self-worth or self-hate? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine.

If you were abandoned as a child, one of the unfortunate consequences may be that you have developed a love addiction, but it doesn't have to stay this way.

Becoming aware of how being abandoned may have wired you to be a love addict, the consequences of such an addiction and learning how to break free, is completely possible for you.

As you read this, you may possibly find yourself in this blog and be forced to ask, "Am I a love addict?"  You should feel no shame if you are. It's not your fault. But now, the question is how you can deal with it and not be under its terrible curse. In my other blogs on love addiction, I worked through defining just what love addiction is.

Love Addiction

If you are a love addict, you obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships. Once in a relationship, you feel you can't live without the other person, and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.

Listen to my call with Sasha. Sasha has low self-esteem issues. Her dad’s never been there for her and she's looking to fill this void with relationships that she can’t seem to hold on to. All these things are affecting her self-esteem.

Love Addiction and Abandonment

I'm convinced at least 50% of young adults suffer from this addiction. I say this because one characteristic of every love addict is that he or she has suffered from being abandoned as a child. This abandonment is almost always caused by one parent, and in some cases both physically and emotionally abandoning their child. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, not to mention all the live-together break-ups. No child can go through seeing their parents break up without it affecting them in some way. Being abandoned or left behind, especially as a child, is traumatic. In fact, it is one of the worst things to happen to a child.

Let's take Sarah's story to help prove the point: [My dad] would stand at the door and yell so loud that I had to cover my ears because all they did was ring. I could hardly make out a single word that was said and he was gone. A last-minute attempt to beg him to stay after all was said and done never worked, not one time. After the first few times, his heart left with him and only his physical body ever returned. My father never came back, only a man with a similar appearance to him. I then set out on a search for the love that man once had to offer me. (Sarah) Sarah understands abandonment and her search for love she may never find.

Being left behind can be terrifying to a young child. I was with my 1-year-old grandchild a few weeks ago (we spend a lot of time together). We were outside and it was getting dark. She wandered off up the driveway. I just stood and watched her, keeping my eye on her every second. Suddenly she realized she was alone. She panicked, screamed, and ran back to me, wrapping her little arms about my leg. I picked her up, held her, and comforted her. She was happy again. Her grandpa had not abandoned her. But what about the millions of children who have been abandoned? What happens to them?

Lack of Bonding = Low Self-Esteem

Allow me to quote Pia Mellody in her great book Facing Love Addiction. She said, Love Addicts usually didn't have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers. Caring transmits the messages, 'You're important, you matter, and you are loved,'...when children do not get enough connection and nurture from a parent, they experience serious difficulty with self-esteem. Love Addicts usually experienced much deep pain and sadness and an acute sense of loss during childhood, because a part of themselves was denied the opportunity to grow properly when their caregivers failed to take care of them. This pain and sadness I call 'the pain of the precious child.' It goes very deep and back far beyond the earliest conscious memories. As children, Love Addicts experienced enormous fear because they were helpless to create a connection with their caregivers. In counseling, they often describe that child fear as a sense of having a loss of their own breath, as if their air supply had been cut off and they were literally dying. They also describe being empty because they weren't filled with nurture by their caregivers. And because they weren't nurtured for who they were, they had trouble being or liking their natural selves.

Does that sound like you? Confused, craving love, and yet despising yourself at the same time. These thoughts and feelings are hard to get rid of from within us because we received them when we were so young and helpless. So how does a young child cope with these terrible feelings?

Knight In Shining Armor Coping Mechanism

I am going to quote Pia Mellody again because what I'm about to quote you blew my mind. One way such children may escape the pain of severe abandonment by their parents is to fantasize about being rescued by a hero of some kind. Little girls may imagine a knight and shining armor who has loving feelings for her and who does things that demonstrate this love by connecting with her, finally giving her life meaning and vitality. Children spend so much time in this fantasy world because it creates a state of euphoria. I spent hours as a child daydreaming about my knight in shining armor. If I felt bad, I could play out this fantasy in my mind, get high in about ten minutes, and stay there for at least two or three hours.

Obsessed with Love

One can see how love addiction can start at a very young age through fantasies. A love addict is forever pursuing that high they think another person can give them. When that person rescues, connects, and loves them, is it any wonder love addicts can be so stubborn about their condition and stuck in it? I remember from a young age I was always obsessed with love. I wanted love more than anything in the world. I even subjected myself to a lot of bad treatment just to feel love. I have been used, abused, and mistreated by a lot of guys just to get it. Now I realize I brought it upon myself in some way. If I wasn't so addicted to love and having it, I wouldn't have subjected myself to those things or situations. (Lindsey)

Please do not let this blog discourage you. In fact, it may have given you some relief since you are better able to understand yourself now.

There is hope, please read How to Trade Your Love Addiction for a Meaningful Relationship

Do You Have A Love Addiction?

Love addiction is also sometimes called a relationship addiction, because it really has nothing to do with real love at all.

One of the main characteristics is the belief that a particular relationship or a specific partner will be “the one" to solve all of your problems and satisfy all of your needs. Relationship addicts repeatedly become involved in intense, enmeshed, codependent relationships, even when those partners or relationships are destructive.

Judging from my show, Dawson McAllister Live, at least three-quarters of the calls I receive deal with relationships. And most are related to relationship addiction. I hear from callers who are in terrible relationships, but they cannot even imagine not being with this person. The thought of living without them scares them.

So, What Is a Love Addict?

1. Here are some signs of love addiction: You feel desperate and alone if you are not in a relationship.

The love addict obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through romantic relationships. Once in a relationship, they feel they can't live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, they panic and try to get into another relationship immediately.

A girl called my radio show the other night. She said she was in love with a guy who treated her horribly. In fact, he got her pregnant, then beat her up so badly she miscarried the baby. She assured me she still loved him no matter what. I couldn't talk her out of leaving him. Now that's crazy. If some guys beat you up so badly it caused you to lose your baby, why would you want to go back to him? You wouldn't, but then again you may not be a love addict. I told her she wasn't in love. She had an addiction. She's a tragedy, a love addict in denial. But the main reason she wants to go back to him is because she is terrified. She cannot bear being alone.

2. You crave the relationship and obsess about it constantly even to the point of losing yourself.

Why do we use the word addict? Drug addicts, when they are thoroughly hooked, spend almost all their time thinking, craving, and planning to get the next high. They only live for the next high. Love addicts get their own high as well, but it's a high off of another person. Like the drug addict, the love addict spends all their time and attention on the other person. They obsess over their partner and value them far above themselves. A love addict is totally consumed with their partner to the point of ignoring their own needs.

3. Hillary, in her own words, gets down to the issue of what a love addict is: "I completely change when I have a new guy- I'm overly nicer than I normally am, I bend over backward for someone I've been dating for 2 days or 1 week, etc, and I do anything to make them fall for me just that much more. Once I feel them growing distant, I try that much harder. I become that clingy girl that everyone hates. But I crave love. Crave doesn't even describe it. If I won the lottery, I would give up every last cent of it to be completely devoured by love." - Hillary What is going on inside of Hillary that would cause her to be so consumed with another person and their relationship? Why would she bend over backward to please this guy? She said it herself, she craves love just like an addict craves a drug and she will do anything to get it.

4. You believe your partner can heal you or solve all of your problems.

Love addicts convince themselves their partner has the power to heal them. This is an impossible demand to be put on their boyfriend/girlfriend. How can their partner fill the deep hole in their soul and their cravings to feel loved and whole? In fact, love addicts are so desperate to connect with another person, they are willing to lose themselves and become completely attached to their partner. Psychologists have a big name for it. They call it, enmeshment. We become enmeshed when we use our partner to give us our identity, self-worth, purpose, safety, and security. It comes when we want our boyfriend/girlfriend to provide us with a sense of being whole. Popular songs are full of phrases linked to love addiction and enmeshment. Such phrases as, "I can't live without you" and "If you leave me, I will die" and "I am nothing without you.

"Caitlin explains enmeshment even better by her comment: "I have been very much addicted to love. After overcoming this addiction, I realize the cause. I was trying to fill the void in my own heart with what I thought was love from other people. I had many scars and hurts from as far back as my early childhood and I was trying to cover them up, rather than deal with them. There is a special place inside of you that can ONLY be touched and healed with God's love. Once you allow that to happen you will begin to see changes in every part of your life." - Caitlin, like many love addicts, was asking her boyfriend to be God. Thankfully, she eventually learned that she was asking the impossible. She discovered she could only be healed by God.

Only God can be God. Only He can fill the hole in our soul, yet there are millions of love addicts asking their partner to do something impossible for them.

If you are a love addict, don't despair. Trust me, there is hope for you. TheHopeLine offers many free eBooks that can help you uncover what is going on inside deep down. For example, if you have a fear of being alone, of not having a boyfriend or girlfriend, then this free eBook on loneliness can help.

Resisting the Urge to Use Again

Perhaps you've done the hard work of getting clean from your addiction and now you face the new journey of staying clean from addiction...of resisting the temptation and urge to return to it when things get tough. I want to help encourage you and give you some pointers for staying clean.

When I say addiction, I'm talking more than just drugs and alcohol. I'm talking about any addiction...any activity in your life that owns you, that you go back to time and time again, even when you don't want to. There are so many people caught up in an addiction. Look at the list below and ask yourself, Am I caught up in some kind of addiction?

• Alcohol
• Approval
• Caffeine
• Controlling others
• Cutting
• Drugs
• Eating
• Excessive exercising
• Excitement
• Fighting
• Gambling
• Internet
• Lying
• Nicotine
• Not eating (Anorexia)
• Pornography
• Possessions
• Power/Status
• Purging (Bulimia)
• Relationships (love addiction)
• Sexually acting out
• Spending
• Stealing
• Sugar
• Video games
• Work-a-holism

Ask Yourself - What was I doing when I was clean?

One idea of staying clean from addiction is to go back to the basics.  It's not easy breaking addictions. It's not easy, but it can be done. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, I spoke with a young mother in her early 20s. She was a heroin addict.

In fact, she was coming down from her drug while she was talking to me. She told me at one time she had been clean of heroin for a year and a half. I asked her what she was doing that kept her clean. She told me she had been going to church, but then got busy with her baby and stopped going. I said to her, "Well then why don't you get back into church?" If you are addicted, ask yourself, "What was I doing on a daily basis when I was clean?" And then do that again.

When most people go back to their addiction, they do so because they quit doing the very thing that helps them. They have a maintenance problem. For example, even if you have a brand-new car, it still needs maintenance, like changing the oil. If you don't change the oil consistently, in time you'll blow up your engine. It's true with addictions as well.

Get Back to the Basics

Most people go back to their addiction because they stumble over the basics of doing their daily maintenance to stay clean.  There are basic steps that most people are aware of that are important for staying clean.  So, these may be things you already know...that are common sense. But they are worth repeating.
Here are three basics:

1. Avoid Tempting Environments. I received a great comment from a girl named Allie. She was talking about what it takes to break a bad habit. She said, "when you get clean, then you have to stay away from whatever you are addicted to. For example, alcohol. You cannot go to drinking parties, bars, etc. Your addiction will take control of you no matter how many times you promise you won't drink at that concert next week." (Allie) You can't hang out with the wrong crowd or go to the wrong places that only tempt you or feed your addiction. Everyone knows if you are an alcoholic, you probably shouldn't hang out in a liquor store.
2. Get a sponsor or Accountability Partner. A sponsor is someone you can call day or night when you feel you are about to fall back into your addiction. This is a basic. For example, there is a saying that people in Narcotics Anonymous often say, "If you are your own sponsor, you are sponsoring a fool. Ashley sent a comment to me talking about a basic in overcoming an addiction. [Get] a good support system of people who [you] can be accountable to." (Ashley) The question is do you have someone to be accountable to? Who is your sponsor? Without a sponsor, you're like someone with a noose around their neck, just waiting for the trap door to spring open. It's just a matter of time until you're hung. If you don't have a sponsor, or someone to hold you accountable on even an hourly basis, if need be, find one today.
3. Never give up. Make the decision now and say, "If I am going to break this addiction, I make a commitment now to never give up. No matter how many times I fail, I will go back to the basics and start over again." I heard a quote a while back which says, "God allows u-turns. If God doesn't give up on us, why should we give up on ourselves?" Don't let shame or disappointment in yourself keep you from getting up and fighting the fight against your addiction.

Conclusion

I was reading the Bible the other day and came across a really cool verse. It says, Enemy, don't laugh at me. I have fallen, but I will get up again. I sit in the shadow of trouble now, but the Lord will be a light for me. (Micah 7:8) Your addiction is your enemy, just waiting for you to fall so it can laugh at you.

Your addiction will quit laughing as soon as you get up and begin the steps of recovery all over again. I really like the comment from Kirsten who's in a battle to stay clean over drug addiction. - I am a recovering drug addict, and my advice is NEVER GIVE UP. No matter who gets in your way. No matter how broken you are if you have the DESIRE to stay clean don't let anything stop you, not even drugs. (Kirsten)

It's all about doing the basics and letting God help you in your battle.  If you think you have an addiction, but are you afraid to talk about it, read this blog for help. I'm behind you all the way!

For more information on breaking addictions, download our free Understanding Substance Abuse eBook.