TheHopeLine

Abuse

How to Deal with Verbally Abusive Parents: EP 25

Are You Trapped in a Cycle of Emotional Abuse from Parents?

Overwhelmed by the Verbal Abuse

The words of an abuser can cause all kinds of agony and can set one on a lifelong destructive course. In this episode, I speak with Lance, who’s verbally attacked by his parents. I also talk with Sarah who endures verbal abuse at least twice a day trapped in the car with her dad. And the most difficult conversation I had is with Tameka, whose father emotionally and verbally abuses her. He calls her names and puts her down every day. If you need help dealing with verbal abuse in your family, then this one is for you!

Trying to Avoid the Conflict with Parents

Lance’s parents get angry at him for stupid reasons. They call him names and he says, “It’s getting stupid.” Lance gets so stressed by his parent’s abuse, he forgets his responsibilities and messes up even more.

Like Lance, most victims of verbal abuse feel put down, afraid, hurt, angry, confused, and helpless to do anything about the situation. In this case, Lance tried to get away from the abuse by hiding in his room, trying to avoid the conflict.

The words of an abuser cause all kinds of agony. It can set one on a lifelong destructive course. The Bible does not mince words when talking about a destructive tongue. It says, “The tongue is a fire. It is full of wrong. It poisons the whole body. The tongue sets our whole lives on fire with a fire that comes from hell.” James 3:6 In spite of this graphic description, the verbal abuser seldom understands or cares about the havoc he or she is causing. Most are full of rage and have no idea the damage being done.

The words of an abuser cause all kinds of agony. It can set one on a lifelong destructive course. Click To Tweet

Lance is afraid of his parents. They use vicious words to control and hurt him. Lance is stressed at what his parents are doing which causes him to forget what they are trying to say. It’s a vicious cycle. They verbally abuse him, he stresses out and forgets what they require of him, so they abuse him more. Then he forgets again, they get angrier and lash out.

Minimizing the Emotional Abuse

On one hand, Lance understands they hurt him, on the other hand he minimizes what they are doing to him. I challenged him to get out of the house and he responded by saying, “Their good parents besides that.” Just because they are good parents the rest of the time, doesn’t change the fact that their verbal abuse is horrific and causing incredible damage. It’s like someone who has been beaten within an inch of death to say of his attacker, “It’s okay that he almost killed me because most of the time he’s really nice.”

Lance doesn’t have an advocate or someone to help him with his problems. His abusive parents have beaten him down and he doesn’t know what to do but just knowing someone cares will help him tremendously with his tragic situation.

A Father Full of Rage and Verbal Abuse

Sarah is in a very difficult situation. She and her sister are in the car, with their father for 10 minutes, twice a day, to and from school. Their father is extremely angry. He’s full of rage because of the divorce and who knows what else. Attacking the girls verbally is irrational but in some ways it must make him feel better, even though he’s doing great harm to his victims.

The wise King Solomon has given incredible advice to someone who is forced to be around another one full of rage. Solomon’s advice is to go soft and quiet when an angry person acts out. He said in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

When Sarah becomes gentle and humble with her words, she can help soften her father’s harsh and angry words by not letting him get her upset. After a while, the father will run out of things to say. He will see love and wisdom demonstrated during their drives to and from school. God’s love is powerful. It can do some amazing things, even turn Sarah’s father into a changed man.

We all ought to pray for Sarah because she needs tremendous patience. With it her soft approach will help change her father’s attitude. Solomon wrote, “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” Proverbs 25:15

“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” Proverbs 15:1 Click To Tweet

Stuck in an Awful Predicament of Abuse

Tameka’s father has been emotionally and verbally abusing her for 6 years. He calls her names and puts her down every day. Tameka feels she can’t take it anymore and is starting to break down.

Tameka is stuck and needs help to find a much better situation. She needs to get away from her abusive father. The Bible tells us about King Saul, who was David’s mentor but also his authority figure. Saul had the right to put David to death and anyone else under his dominion. Saul fell away from God and was determined to kill David because he was jealous and hateful towards him.

David had to go to someone who could protect him and that someone was a man called Samuel. Samuel was a powerful man. He was both a prophet and judge over all of Israel. The Bible goes onto to say, “When David had fled and made his escape, he went to Samuel at Ramah and told him all that Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel went to Naioth and stayed there.” 1 Samuel 19:18

Tameka, like David, is under the authority of her father. Before attempting to leave her horribly abusive situation, she needs to hook up with safe people who will protect her. She definitely needs our prayers for strength and courage as she reaches out to others.

Let us all pray, God will change Tameka’s father, so he will turn from his vicious ways. The Bible says, “A worthless man digs up evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire.” Proverbs 16:27 May God stop him in his tracks, may he turn to Christ to forgive him and find a whole new life of love and support.

Did Today’s Episode on Abuse Get You Thinking?

Verbally abused people are all around us. May God help us identify them and offer support that will help them heal. If you have been verbally abused, I want to encourage you to go to a place called ThePrayerZone.com. There you will find encouragement and prayer that will start you down the road of healing. Our hearts are with you. God says, “He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea.” Psalm 102:17

Verbally abused people are all around us. May God help us identify them and offer support to help them heal. Click To Tweet

Resources for help with EMOTIONAL and VERBAL Abuse:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on depression. In this episode, I speak with Samantha who finds herself emotionally exhausted. I also get a chance to talk with Melissa, facing a serious setback after her counselor is murdered. Then, I realize that Cody has a core belief, he’s worthless. Lastly, Dustin shares how even though he’s got some debilitating health issues, he’s reaching out to people who are depressed and encouraging them. From this episode, I hope you gain encouragement and are able to get help by learning from other’s experiences.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Is Your Toxic Relationship Sucking the Life out of You? EP 21

Above All Else, Guard Your Heart…

In This Episode:

Do you have a relationship sucking the life and energy from you? Maybe you don’t even realize your relationship is dragging you down. If it’s poisoning your self-esteem and happiness then chances are it’s extremely toxic, which means…time to get out! In this episode, I talk with Ashely about all the toxic, hurtful things her messed up boyfriend does to her. Then I talk with Kelsea, who’s boyfriend is sucking the life out of her causing her to be confused and miserable. Lastly, I talk with Jess. He and his girlfriend keep going back to the destructive parts of their relationship causing confusion, hurt and chaos in their relationship.

Hurt Repeatedly

Ashley’s messed up boyfriend has hurt her repeatedly. He’s done many terrible things, including:

  • Bringing way too much drama to the relationship
  • Stolen money from Ashley
  • Left her all alone
  • Lied to her countless times
  • Doesn’t take responsibility for his children
  • Repeatedly breaks his promises

He’s also a player, a user, an abuser and is a guy lacking a conscience. As you can tell, there is no question, Ashley is in a toxic relationship. The longer she stays in it, the more difficult it will be for her to end it.

The good news is Ashley has friends who will support her. She’s not alone. God is with her to help her do what she must do. As scary as it is, Ashley should have a restraining order put on him, and break off all contact, even if it means she must move away. But as long as she gives him hope, he’ll hang around, trying all of his tricks again and again. Ashley needs to cut off all ties with him, no matter what.

Is your relationship sucking the life and energy out of you? #realtionships Click To Tweet

Confused and Miserable

Kelsea’s been dating a guy for 2 years. He’s caused Kelsea to be confused and miserable because:

  • He like many other toxic people have trust issues.
  • He is talking to another girl. He even goes to this girl’s apartment alone. He’s told this other girl he has feelings for her, and sends her inappropriate texts and pictures.
  • He lies to Kelsea repeatedly.
  • He brings a lot of terrible drama to her life. She finds herself sitting in the counselor’s office at school, crying her eyes out.

It’s all so sad! Kelsea’s boyfriend is toxic and he’s sucking the life right out of her, causing her to be miserable, and confused. So, even though Kelsea is beginning to recognize the cruel things he has done to her, she feels he still loves her. Why would she believe that? No one else does. Everybody else knows he’s a loser but she keeps telling herself lies about him. She fears if she ever faces the truth, she would have to leave him and to her that would be the ultimate heartbreak. She would rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all.

Would you rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all? @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

It Takes Courage to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes when people are single, they feel like they’ve failed. But really, they are just without a boyfriend or girlfriend at the time. It’s not forever. They tie their self-worth to if they have a relationship with someone. Their whole self-esteem cries out, “Better to be in a toxic relationship than be single.” That, of course, is a lie.

It takes far more courage to leave a toxic relationship and be single and healthy than to stay in the toxic relationship. There will always be people to date but the question is, who is this person? Am I growing when I’m with them? Am I just going to plow into another relationship unprotected and clamoring to meet needs the other person can’t meet?

It takes courage to leave a toxic #relationship and be single and healthy than to stay. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Mixed Signals and Obsession

Jess and his girlfriend have drama and chaos in their relationship. They are sleeping together causing confusion and hurt. They find themselves going back to the destructive part of their relationship.

His girlfriend’s hurting him by acting like she loves him again and then breaks it off. This is not healthy. There’s too much confusion with her mixed signals and his obsession to be with her. Their relationship is toxic.

If you don’t break off a toxic relationship, you are feeding it, making matters worse.  Toxic relationships never die on their own. Someone has to put an end to the whole thing and that’s never easy. But in the future, you’ll be able to look back and say why did it take so long for me to end it?

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

The Bible commands we are to guard our hearts but few people really do. Most don’t stop to ask the hard questions or show a willingness to even consider who the other person is, or whether or not they bring toxicity with them. People will always pay a price when they jump into a relationship without first committing to guard their heart.

The Bible in Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God says for us to guard our hearts above all things. That means YOU need to guard your own heart, no one else will do it for you.

If you are in a toxic relationship, it’s not too late for you to start to guard your heart. It’s time to break off ties with someone who is only bringing you pain and heartache. Then ask God to heal your brokenness and commit to guarding your heart. Ask God for wisdom to do all of this. as Jesus said, “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. - Proverbs 4:23 Click To Tweet

Resources for Identifying a Toxic Relationship:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on questions you need to ask yourself before you start dating someone. Questions which could save you from a lot of pain and heartache. In this episode, I talk with Dustin about his unrealistic expectations with dating. Then I talk with Blake, who jumped into dating and a physical relationship way too quickly. Lastly, Jessica and I have a conversation about her dating over 150 guys in one year and how she’s needs to ask herself, “Have I become obsessive and out of control in my search to find the right one?”

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

 

Amy’s Mother Abandoned Her: EP 8

How to Heal from Mother Abandonment.

In This Episode:

For 14 years, Amy was practically raising herself, while her mom was in the bars drinking. Amy’s mom wasn’t there for her when she needed her the most. The hurt Amy has from her mom abandoning her has continued into her adult life. Mother abandonment is one of the worst things a person can experience and it can have devastating consequences. In this episode, I talk about those consequences and share some of the ways to begin to deal with the pain and get healing.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Your mother may have abandoned you but it doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life. I want to help you discover healing from mother abandonment. Let’s face the truth together, accept that your mom may never change, and then work on forgiving her. I also want to you to understand that God loves you and no matter how deeply you’ve been hurt by your mother, I’m confident with God’s help you can find emotional and spiritual healing. Mother abandonment might be the beginning of your story but it’s not going to be the end.

Resources for help with abandonment:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

My next episode is on making peace with God.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Can Cody Forgive His Mom?: EP 7

How to Forgive Those Who Have Deeply Hurt You.

In This Episode:

No doubt there is at least one person in your life you need to forgive. This person has deeply hurt you, violated you and caused you tremendous pain. What the person did to you is inexcusable but it is forgivable. Forgiving them means you are giving up your right to get even with that person. Even if you don’t feel like it, choose forgiveness for your own well-being.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

What happens if you don’t forgive? You become a slave to bitterness. Bitterness will corrupt you and those around you. Forgiving is not easy but with God’s help, all things are possible. He forgave us therefore we absolutely can offer forgiveness to others, no matter the offense. The Bible says to, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Colossians 3:13)

Resources for help with forgiveness:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

My next episode is on mother abandonment.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Christina’s Father Hunger: EP 2

How to Find Healing From the Damage of Fatherlessness.

In This Episode:

Father hunger is a lack of sufficient fathering which is extremely impactful to a person’s life for good or bad. I will explain to you how you can heal from the damage of an absent father. Then, I’ll give you practical ways to deal with father hunger, including powerful, “I release my father from…” statements of forgiveness. This episode also includes Christina’s story and how the lack of a father in her life affected her. You will hear my advice for Christina, which can be applied to your life as well.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Perhaps you can relate to father hunger in your own life. Have you let a negative relationship with your father define you? Have you held onto anger and resentment from times he’s hurt you? Or maybe you’ve done things you’re not proud of to try to fill the void, left by not having a father. It’s taken a lifetime for you to get to this point and healing will not happen overnight.

Resources for Father Hunger:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

 

The next episode is about dealing with a broken heart.

See you next week and whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

24 Safety Tips: My First Experience With Pepper Spray

Your pepper spray makes you feel safe, right?

Watch what happened when Jessica “Jai” McVay, former co-host of “Dawson McAllister Live,” used pepper spray for the first time.

Pepper spray isn’t the only way to play it safe. Here are 24 safety tips plus more videos from Jai.

    1. Tell someone where you’re going. Let a friend know when you’re on your way and check in with a family member when you get there.
    2. Plan your travel accordingly. Know where you’re going and how you’re getting there before you leave. You’ll feel more confident in navigating your route if you already know what it is.
    3. Walk quickly and confidently because confidence is a deterrent. Attackers prefer their victims weak. The more inconvenient you become for an attacker, the less likely they are to make you their target.
    4. Always carry your cell phone and make sure it’s fully charged before leaving the house. A cell phone with a dead battery won’t help you in a time of crisis.
    5. Carry a whistle and keep it handy in case, Heaven forbid, you’re attacked. The noise will alert others you need help, which then scares off your attacker.
    6. Get one of those small, but bright, flashlights that fits on your keychain. It’ll help you see better when it’s dark, and help you feel more confident.
    7. Carry pepper spray, if it’s legal where you live. It takes practice to use correctly so spend time getting comfortable with it. Learn how to lock and unlock the safety switch quickly. Pepper spray can be helpful, but there’s also a chance your attacker has the ability to grab it and use it against you.
    8. Be aware of your surroundings. Look around and pay attention to what is happening around you, who is around you.
    9. Don’t wear headphones or earbuds or clothes that hinder your vision like hoodies when you’re out by yourself. You can’t be alert to your surroundings is you’re tuned out of your surroundings.

24 safety tips pepper spray

  1. Stick to the well-lit areas.
  2. If you feel uneasy, call a friend or family member to stay on the phone with you until you’re safe. Just make sure you don’t get too distracted on the phone that you become unaware of your surroundings.
  3. If you notice someone may be following you, cross the street. If they cross, cross the street again. If they follow you across again, RUN and get into the nearest store, restaurant or better yet, police station.
    See what happened when Jai was being followed.
  4. If there’s a shady vehicle next to the driver’s side of your car, don’t hesitate to get in the passenger seat, lock the door and crawl over. If the situation seems pretty sketchy, go back inside where you were and find help.
  5. When you’re at events, always keep alert to your surroundings and take notice of the exits.
  6. Never leave your drink unattended and be careful of who you’re out with. Not everyone has the best intentions and not all predators are strangers.
  7. Don’t be alone with someone who’s drunk or under the influence of drugs.
  8. Don’t leave with anyone you don’t know.
  9. Drinking and doing drugs hinders your decision making ability and diminishes your ability to be alert to your surroundings. If you’re lit, you can’t protect yourself.
  10. Don’t leave an intoxicated friend in any potentially dangerous situations. If your friend is intoxicated, they won’t be able to protect themselves should a situation arrive.
  11. Don’t get in a car with a driver under the influence. A less drunk driver is still a drunk driver.
  12. Don’t hitchhike, or pick up a hitchhiker.
  13. Carry your keys in hand when walking. It keeps them handy for when you get to your home or car, so you can get into a safe space as soon as possible.
  14. Trust your gut. If something feels sketchy, or off, don’t feel embarrassed about leaving and getting to safety. Better safe than sorry.
  15. Attend a self-defense class in your area. It’ll improve your street awareness, teach you moves to ward off an attacker and help you develop a fighters reflex so you can get to safety.

Staying safe starts with being prepared, and following a few simple tips could possibly save you from a pretty traumatic, or deadly, experience. How do you and your friends help each other stay safe?

Guest blog written by: Jessica “Jai” McVay, co-host of “Dawson McAllister Live” and “Dawson McAllister Late Nights” (

Rage At God

This post was originally published on Heart Support, it has been reused with permission by: The Heart Support Team. Jake Luhrs, lead singer of Grammy-nominated metal band, August Burns Red, created Heart Support as a place where every music fan can heal and grow stronger.

“My rage at God had manifested itself in my everyday life.”

Depression. Anxiety. PTSD. Bipolar. All terms I have heard in the last year as people try to explain what’s wrong with me.mad at god I’m 21 and just now receiving the help I needed 6 years ago. I started cutting when I was 15. It was my way of controlling my world that was quickly spiraling downwards. When I started high school, I put so much of my self-worth in the people around me. I needed a boyfriend, and I wasn’t picky or cautious. A year into my first relationship, I was raped. I had that gift taken from me by someone I thought loved me. So here’s life knocking me down another notch, and the depression became accompanied by shame and guilt.

I learned to hide my cuts, and began to think that sex was no longer special. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and the rampaging depression from everyone. When I was being used, I accepted it because it was the only way I felt like I meant anything. I was slowly losing my relationship with God. But I didn’t care because I felt abandoned.

I was slowly losing my relationship with God. But I didn’t care because I felt abandoned. #anger Click To Tweet

I was then violently raped by another boyfriend. At that point I felt completely alone. I still went to church because I ran sound for the band, and it was something I loved to do, but I wasn’t there for the right reasons. I still hadn’t learned my lesson with men, and entered an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I was forced to cut ties with my family and friends. I started suffering from anxiety attacks and could feel the suicidal thoughts start to become stronger. I finally got out of the relationship, but my depression was so severe that I couldn’t control my cutting and suicidal thoughts. I was angry. Angry at my situation, angry at him, but mostly angry at God. How could he let this happen to me? I entered counseling and was diagnosed with PTSD. When things weren’t getting better, I entered an outpatient day therapy program through the hospital. I refused God and his love because I couldn’t forgive myself and because I blamed him for my problems.

We're all deserving of the grace that he offers, including this imperfect, beaten down, abused me. Click To Tweet

Fast forward to now, almost a year later, girl mad at godwith a DUI, drug habits, and a self-loathing that I couldn’t control, I finally called out for help. My rage at God had manifested itself in my everyday life and I became violent towards my family. I was at my breaking point and I couldn’t handle it on my own. I prayed and prayed for an answer to my problems and one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. God wasn’t the cause of my problems in life… I was. I had turned away from the one that loved me through all of my mistakes and had the grace I needed to accept. I find out soon if I have bipolar disorder, and I’m praying constantly for an answer along with the strength to accept God’s forgiveness and his unending love.

We are all deserving of the grace that he offers, including me. This imperfect, abused, and beat down person is deserving of grace. Deserving of love. And most importantly, forgiveness. Learning that lesson has been the hardest one to grasp in the midst of everything I’ve been dealing with. But we, as his children, need to ask for it before it can be given. Only then does He know that we are ready to receive it. So I pray not only for myself, but for everyone struggling in their life, to reach out and accept His grace and love, because YOU are worth it. YOU are deserving of it. And so am I.

In His name,
Taber

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Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting

A Rape Survivor’s Story

The journey toward healing begins with the truth.

Sarah Kate shares her story of rape, alcoholism, and depression with Unveiled Campaign. This downward spiral that she found herself on was the result of a secret she was keeping…she had been abused and sexually assaulted. She is now on a journey toward healing and shares how she was able to unveil the lies from the truth and learn to love herself again.

Here is Sarah Kate’s Story: (Grab a tissue, you are going to need it.)

UNVEILED is a campaign whose aim is to reveal or unveillies we tell ourselves so we can walk in truth and freedom to fulfill our dreams and destiny.

What Should I Do If I’ve Been Raped?

RAINN, a partner of TheHopeLine, shares what to do if you or a friend is sexually assaulted.

It’s hard to know what to do, how to feel, or what your options are after a sexual assault. Please know that you’re not alone.

  • Find a safe environment anywhere away from the attacker. Ask a trusted friend to stay with you for moral support.
  • Know that what happened was not your fault and that now you should do what is best for you.
  • Report the attack to police by calling 911. A counselor on the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE can help you understand the process.
  • Preserve evidence of the attack – don’t bathe or brush your teeth.
  • Write down all the details you can recall about the attack & the attacker.
  • Ask the hospital to conduct a rape kit exam to preserve forensic evidence.
  • If you suspect you were drugged, ask that a urine sample be collected. The sample will need to be analyzed later on by a forensic lab.

[Read more…] about A Rape Survivor’s Story

A Safe Place

by Dawson McAllister

Troubles at home? Have a plan.

If you have spent any time reading my blogs or listening to my radio show, I hope you know, beyond anything else, that I care deeply for teens and young adults. I have made it my life’s work to share the message that there is HOPE no matter what struggle you may be facing. I want you to know that your life matters, people do care and help is available.

safe place location
Because we want to be sure that every teen and young adult gets the help they need, we partner with many other organizations. We know we can’t help every hurting teen and young adult on our own, but together we are stronger and we can reach more people.

One of the organizations we have partnered with is Safe Place They are a national program for young people who need immediate help and safety. I share their Text4Help information on my radio show. Take a listen.

If you or anyone you know ever needs to get out of an unsafe situation, you can text the word “SAFE” to 69866 and within seconds you will receive the address of the closest Safe Place.

Every year 1.6 to 2.8 million runaway or homeless youth live on the streets. TheHopeLine® and Safe Place simply want to give these teens a safe place to go.

In an unsafe situation? Text the word “SAFE” to 69866 to get the address of the closest #SafePlace. Click To Tweet

Here’s how Safe Place works:

safe place teens
Safe Place designates businesses and organizations within a community as Safe Place locations, making help readily available to youth across the country. Locations include: libraries, YMCA’s, fire stations, public buses, various businesses, and social service facilities. Safe Place locations are designated with this sign.

And remember you can always text SAFE and your current location to 69866 to find the location nearest you.

Step One – A young person enters a designated “Safe Place” and asks for help.

Step Two – The site employee finds a comfortable place for the youth to wait while they call the licensed Safe Place agency.

Step Three – Within 20-30 minutes or less, a qualified Safe Place volunteer or agency staff member will arrive to talk with the youth and, if necessary, provide transportation to the agency. Going to the agency is not required and is voluntary. The choice is yours.

Step Four – Once at the agency, counselors meet with the youth and provide support. Agency staff makes sure the youth and their families receive the help and professional services they need.

safe place text locationThere are many difficult problems that teens face in their life that may cause them to seek a safe place such as: abuse, neglect, family troubles, dangerous dating situations, bullying, homelessness, drug abuse, etc.

If you find yourself in one of these situations, you have some crucial decisions to make. Unfortunately, many times to escape one bad situation you can end up in another by making dangerous or unwise decisions. That is why I promote Safe Place. They will help you navigate your next steps in a safe environment before you end up in a worse situation. You deserve a chance to work through your problems with the support of a caring adult.

Your safety is of utmost importance, but running away carries a whole set of issues on its own. Issues you need to think through. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I have a place to stay?
  • What about school? Would I continue to get an education?
  • Am I going to be gone awhile or coming back in a few days?
  • What would I do for money? Shelter? Food? Transportation?
  • Who can I depend on if I leave home?
  • Do I have a safe, solid plan?
  • What is my plan B in case my first plan doesn’t work?
  • What have I done to make things better at home?
  • What can I do to make things better at home?
  • Who have I reached out to make things better at home?

You are not alone as you make these decisions. Stay safe and don’t hesitate to Text4Help or Chat with TheHopeLine®.

Remember – there is HOPE.

Check out the sites of our partner organizations:

Safe Place – http://nationalsafeplace.org/

National Runaway SafeLine – https://www.1800runaway.org/

Covenant House – https://www.covenanthouse.org/about-homeless-charity

8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy

by Dawson McAllister

Dating Violence – 8 things that are NOT okay in Dating Relationships

Did you know that violence in teen dating affects 1 in 3 adolescents in the U.S.? This is NOT okay. It’s important to be aware of these 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship?

dating violence dating relationship is unhealthyI ask myself – how can this be that one in three teens is being violated physically, sexually or emotionally in a dating relationship? I think there are a number of reasons why.  Often the abuser in the relationship starts off being very smooth and charming and the other person is taken in by this.  I describe this behavior in my call with Nicole. Take a listen:

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak

Other times the abused partner suffers from low self-esteem and convinces themselves that they are in love.

However, I wonder if most of the time teens and young adults simply don’t know how to recognize abuse, and are willing to accept behaviors frdating regretsom their boyfriend/girlfriend that are NOT acceptable simply because they don’t know things can be different. Perhaps you have been there. It’s your first dating relationship…you’ve never really been “in love” before so you think your bf/gf’s behavior is normal or you’re willing to make excuses for them because you like being “in love” or you think you can change them. I understand how this can happen, so I want to help you recognize abuse before it’s too late. The truth of the matter is that people with abusive tendencies don’t change too quickly and you deserve SO much better and better is available.

I have talked to many teens who regret things they’ve done in relationships simply because they didn’t know any better.

Here are 8 behaviors that are NOT acceptable in a relationship.

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. #loveisrespect Click To Tweet
  • Isolating you from friends and family by controlling whom you are “allowed” to talk to and convincing you that your family and friends aren’t good for you.
  • Controlling you…telling you where you can go, whom you can see, and how you can spend your money, etc.
  • Overly jealous. Spying on you or checking in on you too much. Reading your texts or stalking your social media. Accusing you of cheating or flirting with others when you are not doing anything wrong. Listen to this call from Jared whose girlfriend helped him realize his overly jealous actions were abusive.
  • Blaming you for their abusive actions…making you feel like it is your fault they say mean things or are physically rough with you.
  • Physically rough. While you may know that hitting is not appropriate, neither is pushing, grabbing, pinching, hair pulling or any other physical touch that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared.
  • Forcing sexual activity of any sort. If you are not consenting to the sexual activity, it is abuse.

dating violence stop

For a complete relationship spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive relationships check out this Relationships Spectrum from our friends at TheHotLine.org.

If you feel you might be in a dating relationship that is abusive or violent, but you just aren’t sure, feel free to leave a comment below or chat with one of our HopeCoaches on TheHopeLine®.

And remember there is always HOPE. You are not alone. You can escape abusive relationships and heal from them. There are people who will help you and God is on your side.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

Grateful for Fifty Shades of Grey

Did You Say Grateful for Fifty Shades of Grey?

Guest Blog is written by: Melody Bergman, blogger for National Center on Sexual Exploitation (the leading national organization addressing the public health crisis of pornography and exposing the links between all forms of sexual exploitation).

It’s midnight on New Year’s Eve, and my hubby and I have just finished watching the ball drop. The first commercial I see in 2017? A preview for Fifty Shades Darker, coming right before Valentine’s Day. No joke.

Whether we like it or not, our culture has entered a pronounced Grey period. The books swept the market like wildfire, the first movie caused quite a ruckus, and the sequel will hit theaters in just a few weeks.

grateful 50 shadesThis second-hand bookstore in Wales had enough copies of Fifty Shades to build a small fort! And as much as I hate what it stands for, I have to say I’m grateful for the public dialogue that has ensued in the wake of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise.

Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Abbie’s Story of Sexual Abuse
Talleha’s Story of Hope (Video)

The books were written for women. I’m a woman, so naturally I’ve been aware of them since they came out: I’m in the target audience, and so are my friends.

It’s funny … the first time I heard the title was in a gathering of betrayed wives. We were at a retreat in the mountains, in a ‘safe place,’ discussing pornography, adultery, abuse, sharing our horror stories and laughing like crazy about how nuts our lives had become.

Toward the end of the weekend, someone brought up Fifty Shades. She said her girlfriends had been reading it, using techniques from the book to “spice things up” in the bedroom, and asked if we thought it was appropriate. A few faces flushed. Some eyes dropped to the floor. Other women nodded knowingly. I had no idea what they were talking about.

Suddenly, one woman burst out: “No! Absolutely NOT okay! Do you know what is in that book? It’s BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism). It’s porn. It encourages abuse in the bedroom. Isn’t that precisely what destroyed our marriages? Isn’t that exactly what we’re fighting against? NOT okay!”

LIE: #FiftyShadesDarker is a love affair. TRUTH: It's grooming a young girl for sadistic sex. Click To Tweet

When she finished, her eyes were bulging and she was breathing hard. I understand. I am a survivor of abuse too.

lie shades of grayFor years, as the books rolled out, I continued to hear flutters on the wind about them. A whisper here, a giggle or blush there. Once in awhile a friend might mention Fifty Shades with a questioning glance, unsure if those around her were ‘okay’ with it. But nothing really out loud except that isolated outburst.

Other women were downright prudish about it. Once, I brought up the topic of BDSM in a private conversation with a close friend, and she promptly spun on her heel and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there alone. That was five years ago.

A lot has changed since then. Soon Fifty Shades Darker (the sequel) is coming to the silver screen, bringing the argument back to the forefront–for better or for worse. And I’m grateful. I’ll take it. It’s better than standing alone in a room, speaking on deaf ears.

People aren’t whispering about Fifty Shades anymore. They are blogging about it. They are signing petitions and organizing boycotts. They are joining social media campaigns, like #50ShadesIsAbuse and #50DollarsNot50Shades, which donate money to battered women’s shelters–where ‘real-life Anas’ end up.

I'm grateful. People aren't just whispering about Fifty Shades anymore. #50ShadesIsAbuse Click To Tweet

Domestic violence groups, activists, and religious organizations are publicly speaking out against the series. They are standing together. Journalists and commentators have discussed the controversy on USA Today, Good Morning America, CNN, CBS, People, Time, Huffington Post, Entertainment Weekly, Fox News, and other media outlets around the world.

And what have we learned through the public dialogue?

As it turns out, the BDSM community loves and hates the series. They like the idea of their lifestyle becoming mainstream, but say it is grossly misrepresented in the literature and now the movie. Some feel so strongly about it that they organized protests against the first film.

Some families are okay with Fifty Shades entering the public mainstream, and some are not. This fact has become very clear to me as I’ve read blogs, commentaries, and observed online and personal interactions on the topic.

But regardless of anyone’s opinion, this material is here. It is openly, visibly present in our culture. It is now accessible to our children. And it is making a mark. Don’t believe me? Read the stories yourself:

One mother asked her 11-year old what he knew about Fifty Shades of Grey. He said he’d heard it was about a woman who liked to be tied up during sex, and the book taught guys how to do that. -from 3 Things Your Kids Need to Know about Fifty Shades of Grey on ProtectYoungMinds.org

And what about 900 middle- and high-school-aged students that stormed a theater in Florida because they wanted to see the BDSM-themed film? –Huge mob of teens rushes theater after being denied entrance to R-Rated ‘Fifty Shades’

target sells fifty shadesKids walking past Fifty-Shades-themed sex toys in Target stores while buying Valentines for their schoolmates? Yep. This happened to us. They were all in the same ‘holiday’ section. (One store was more discreet and put the sex toys with the toiletries–except right next to the children’s toothbrushes. Oops!) –Target is Now Selling ‘Fifty Shades’ Sex Toys

Or how about Sacramento families go-karting, driving on Highway 50 or watching Sponge Bob at a nearby screen while Fifty Shades blared in plain view at the drive-in for three nights over Valentine’s weekend? Yeah, that’s not very discreet. –Thousands of People Who Didn’t Want to See ‘Fifty Shades’ Were Forced to See It–Here’s Why

Just for a moment, let’s put the moral arguments aside. Let’s not talk about domestic violence or sexual abuse or BDSM or whether they are the same thing. Let’s not preach to each other about the First Amendment. Instead, let’s acknowledge something: We are parents. And this is our moment. Like it or not, it’s time to address these things. Because they are here. And they are not going away.

Even if you are not a parent: Something has entered the public awareness that is worthy of your commentary.

The next generation is waiting. They are watching and listening. Of course you know how I feel about it, but … what you tell your children is up to you.

Melody Bergman writes for National Center on Sexual Exploitation but also has her own blog: Mama Crossroads.

If you are a human trafficking victim and want to be rescued….call the confidential 24/7 RESCUE HOTLINE  404.941.6024 today.

 

What is Abuse?
Abuse is a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner. These are behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. Abuse includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of abuse can be going on at any one time.  -The National Domestic Violence Hotline


Free eBook! Understanding Sexual Abuse from TheHopeLine®


Why do Bad Things Happen?

Sad girl by fence

This Guest Post comes from Everystudent.com, a safe place to explore questions about life and God. We thank them for allowing us to share their response to the very hard question everyone has asked at some point in their life…”Why does God allow bad things to happen?”

How do we explain what we see in this world?

Terrorist attacks, sex slavery, racism, world hunger?

Subconsciously, we probably ask ourselves questions like these quite often. But consciously we rarely do. We’re so busy living our lives we rarely stop and wonder WHY?

But then something happens to wake us up. Our parents get divorced. The girl down the street gets abducted. A relative gets cancer. That wakes us up for awhile. But then we can often sink back into the denial. That is, until another tragedy hits, another incongruence. Then we’re likely to think, Something isn’t right here. Something is really, really wrong. This isn’t how life’s supposed to be!

So, WHY do bad things happen?

Why isn’t this world a better place?

There is an answer to the WHY question, found in the Bible. But it’s not an answer that most people like to hear: the world is the way it is because it’s the world that we, in a sense, have asked for.

Sound strange?

What or who could make this world different than the way it is? What or who could guarantee that life is pain-free, for everyone, all the time?

God could. God could accomplish that. But he doesn’t. At least not right now. And we’re angry with him as a result. We say, “God can’t be all-powerful and all-loving. If he were, this world wouldn’t be the way it is!”

We say this hoping that God will then change his position on the matter. Our hope is that putting a guilt trip on him will make him change the way he’s doing things.

But he doesn’t seem to budge. WHY doesn’t he?

God doesn’t budge — he doesn’t change things right now — because he’s giving us what we asked for: a world where we get to treat him as though he is absent and unnecessary.

Remember the story of Adam and Eve? They ate the “forbidden fruit.” That fruit was the idea that they could ignore what God said or gave them, and strike out on life apart from God. For Adam and Eve sort of hoped that they could become like God, without God.

They consumed the notion that there was something more valuable in existence than God himself, something more valuable than having a personal relationship with God. And this world system — with all of its faults — came as a result of the choice they made.

Their story is the story of all of us, isn’t it? Who hasn’t said — if not audibly at least in their hearts — God, I think I can do this without you. I’ll just go this one alone. But thanks for the offer.

We’ve all tried to make life work without God.

Why do we do that? Probably because we’ve all bought the notion that there’s something more valuable, more important, than God. For different people it’s different things, but the mindset is the same: God isn’t what’s most important in life. In fact, I’d just as soon do it without him altogether.

What is God’s response to that?

He allows it. Many people experience the painful results of others’ or their own choices that run contrary to God’s ways…murder, sexual abuse, greed, lying/fraud, slander, adultery, kidnapping, etc.

All of these can be explained by people who have refused to give God access and influence over their lives. They are going about their lives as they see fit, and they and others suffer.

What’s God view on all of this?

He’s not smug. In fact, God could rightly be viewed as leaning forward, compassionate, hoping we will turn to him so that he can bring real life to us.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”1 But not all are willing to go to him. Jesus commented on this when he said: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”2

Again, Jesus brings the issue back to our relationship with him. “I am the light of the world. He who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”3

But what about when life is unfair, when bad things happen to us?

What about those horrible circumstances that hit us in life, caused by someone other than ourselves? When we are feeling victimized, it’s useful to realize that God himself endured horrendous treatment from others. God more than understands what you are going through.

There is nothing in life that could be more painful than what Jesus endured on our behalf, when he was deserted by his friends, ridiculed by those who would not believe in him, beaten and tortured before his crucifixion, then nailed to a cross, in shameful public display, dying of slow suffocation.

What To Do When We’re Mad At God

He created us, yet allowed humanity the freedom to do this, to fulfill Scripture and to set us free from our sin. This was no surprise to Jesus. He was aware of what was coming, foreknowing all the details, all the pain, all the humiliation.

“And as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside, and on the way he said to them, ‘Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of man will be delivered to the chief priests and scribes, and they will condemn him to death, and deliver him to the Gentiles to be mocked and scourged and crucified, and he will be raised on the third day.”4

Imagine knowing something that awful was going to happen to you. Jesus understands emotional and psychological anguish. The night that Jesus knew they would arrest him, he went to pray, but took some friends with him.

“And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here and watch [keep awake] with me. And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, ‘My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but as thou wills.”5

Though Jesus confided in his three friends, they didn’t understand the depth of his torment, and when Jesus returned from prayer he found them asleep. Jesus understands what it’s like going through pain and extreme sadness alone.

Here it is summarized, as John describes in his gospel: “He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world knew him not. He came to his own home, and his own people received him not. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God.”6 “For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”7

There is no question that there is pain and intense suffering in this world.

Some of it is explained by selfish, hateful actions on the part of others. Some of it defies an explanation in this life. But God offers us himself. God gives us the knowledge that he has endured also, and is aware of our pain and needs. Jesus said to his disciples, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”8

There is ample reason to be afraid, troubled, but God can give us his peace, which is greater than the problem before us. He is after all, God, the Creator. The one who has always existed. The one who created a universe on the backstroke.

‘Out of the Dark’: Mandisa chats with TheHopeLine!

Yet even in his power, he’s also the one who knows us intimately, even the smallest, insignificant details. And if we will trust him with our lives, relying on him, though we encounter difficulties, he will hold us securely.

Jesus said, “These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”9 He went through our ultimate threat — death — and overcame it. He can take us through the difficult circumstances of this life, and then bring us into eternal life, if we will trust him.

We can either go through this life with God or without him.

Jesus prayed, “O righteous Father, although the world has not known you, yet I have known you; and these have known that you sent me; and I have made your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which you loved me may be in them, and I in them.”10

You might find yourself asking, “Why is life so hard?” Without God, humanity is easily drawn into hatred, racism, sexual abuse, murdering each other.

Jesus said, “I came that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

This post was originally published here. If you have further questions about God? Please see www.everystudent.com If you have asked God into your heart please visit www.startingwithgod.com

Did this post get you thinking? Did it raise new thoughts or questions? We welcome your comments below.

If you are wondering what a relationship with God is all about, you may also enjoy this free eBook.

 

Photo credit Andrew Le

Patrick’s Story: I tried to kill myself

Patrick’s Story

Sexually abusedAll my life no one, my age, ever really liked me.  I was that kid that smelled even thought most of the time I didn’t.  Anyway, when I was 14, men started emailing me asking to be my friend; something I never really had.  I hesitated at first, then I met one of them.  At first, we just sorta hung out, then they started to tell me they need me give them something . You can guess what that meant.  At the time, I didn’t think this was an issue.  I felt wanted and I felt loved, something I haven’t felt in a while.  Now you might ask…were my parents bad or something?  They weren’t, they were just busy with their careers.  After a while, they made me feel like I had to sneak out at night.

When I got into my second year of high school, I found a girl friend that liked me for who I was.  Then, one day I was riding my moped and I fell.  I hit my head, and yes, I was wearing a helmet.  I went blank for a minute but I was okay, just a scraped hand.  I got up and kept riding and a week later. I started getting headaches.  I went to the ER and I had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).  About another week later was the first time I tried to kill myself.  I stole my family boat and tried to sink it with me inside it…this didn’t work.  This was the first time I was hospitalized.  I was hospitalized two more times before.  They asked if I was ever sexually abused and every other time they asked that I said no but then it clicked, and I opened up.  It had never occurred to me that I was abused.  I tried to kill myself more times, the other times with pills and jumping off a overpass.  Just to give you an update that was the first time my parent found out about the abuse.  I had kept it hidden for over 3 years.  All in this time, I was cutting and got kicked out of three schools.

Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Abbie’s Story of Sexual Abuse
Talleha’s Story of Hope (Video)

I was also diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  It got so bad, I went to a residential hospital for nine months.  After that, life was so much less stressful and the flashbacks came fewer and the wish to die subsided.  I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but its manageable, and I am also not on any medication.

I’m proof that if you just take a break from life and work really hard and have a lot of support…you can get through anything!

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you are struggling with painful emotions like Patrick download TheHopeLine’s free eBook today.

Dealing With Abandonment

by Dawson McAllister

I’ve written blogs about physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional abuse, but there is one more kind of abuse I’d like to address…neglect and abandonment.

What Is Neglect and Abandonment?
I feel aloneYou can be considered neglected or abandoned when you don’t know where your parents are, if they have left you alone, or have failed to maintain contact with you. It also includes being left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, lack adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, even education or supervision. Another common childhood experience is being emotionally abandoned by a parent. When parents are critical, dismissive, invasive or preoccupied to the point that it communicates to a child that  “You don’t matter,” or “Your feelings aren’t important“. This makes a child feel unloved, unaccepted and misunderstood.

Abandonment can include just walking away from the family, it can include divorce, and it can even include suicide.

Abandonment can also be experienced when a parent disappears from a child’s life. It can happen at a very young age, or it can even be when you’re a teenager or young adult.  A parent walking away from the family, divorce situations, and even suicide of a parent can lead to deep feelings of abandonment and communicate to a child, “You aren’t worth being connected with.” The common factor is an outright decision by the parent to not be a part of their child’s life any longer.

I felt I didn't matter.Netasha expressed her sadness over having her father leave her mother when she got pregnant. “They went through all the court stuff and he told the judge I was his mistake and that he wanted nothing to do with. So it’s not that I hate him or anything, I’m just disappointed in his decision. It would have just been easier growing up with him around. I’m about to graduate high school and go to college and he isn’t even here to watch me get my diploma. It’s heartbreaking.”

Related Posts:
Reaching Out For A Father
Sex And Father Hunger

For a child who has been abandoned by a parent, it’s easy to try to fill that void with unhealthy relationships. Kristy commented on how she’s lured into relationships with destructive guys: I am lured to these guys because I have almost no relationship with my father, and I want to replace that missing love with a boyfriend. Having the poor relationship with my father makes me feel like I did something wrong or need to prove I’m worthy of love from a man. Therefore, I’m attracted to a jerk who will test my limits and make me endure mentally and emotionally scarring situations to prove I am worthy.

It’s easy for anybody, regardless of age, to think the disappearance of their parent is somehow their fault. This is not the truth. As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision. They are simply operating out of their own place of hurt and pain, and that can be caused by a number of things, in particular, their own abusive upbringing.

As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision.

Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can often lead to many forms of addiction…including love addiction. It’s normal to feel angry when you have been betrayed, abandoned or hurt in some way. If that anger is not dealt with, you will soon become bitter and blame others for the pain.

Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can actually be the form of abuse that leads to almost all other addictions.

If you determine you are living in a neglect/abandonment abusive situation, it’s important that you tell someone. Find someone you can trust to talk about what’s going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with TheHopeLine. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).  There is always hope and there are ways to deal with abuse going on in your own life, or to help someone you know who is going through abuse.

I’ll end with some advice from Travis: It definitely helps to have two or three good friends you can turn to anytime you need anything. I usually try and make myself to be one of those friends they can turn to, a shoulder to lean on, and someone they can confidently trust.

Also, download our eBook for more information on abandonment and how to cope with it!

I was Being Sexually Abused and TheHopeLine Helped Me [Video]

Are You Being Sexually Abused? Here is Annie’s Real Story of Hope:

I felt like maybe it was something that happened to everybody because I was a little kid, I didn’t know any better but then when I started getting older, I started realizing that it was wrong. A whole bunch of times, I thought about killing myself. I had carved into my arms: “I hate being loved.” I heard about how TheHopeLine® had helped these girls that had been raped or molested. I finally heard one that was really close to my story and I finally called in and a HopeCoach talked to me about it.  He told me, “We are going to get you through this.”

More Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Abbie’s Story of Sexual Abuse
Talleha’s Story of Hope (Video)

Have you been sexually abused?  Are you being sexually abused?  Download our free eBook today for help.

Abusive Dating Relationships – Fix or Flee?

by Dawson McAllister

Abuse is not Love.

FACT: 1 in 3 teens know a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. That adds up to over 2 million women 25 and younger who are being abused by their boyfriends. One female abused by her boyfriend is too many. Two million is a tragedy.Abusive Dating Relationships Teen Dating Violence

But why? Why does this happen? Why are there so many young women who allow themselves to be abused? I asked you to help me by sending in your comments. What you had to say helped me understand so much better why this tragedy happens. So let’s get on with it.

1 in 3 teens know a friend who has been physically hurt by their partner. #teendatingviolence Click To Tweet
    1. Many abused girls stay in an abusive relationship because their abuser is often charming, persuasive, and manipulative. It’s not like an abusive guy walks around with a big Atattooed on his forehead saying, Hey everybody. Look at me. I’m an abuser.No. He looks just like anybody else, and often has a very charming way about him. That is why so many people cannot believe he’s abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, everything seems so wonderful. The romance goes into a whirlwind, full of excitement and attention and gifts at unexpected times. Mr. Charming talks much about love and quickly tells his new girlfriend she is the one for him and he is truly in love with her. Usually, the girl has never met someone so amazing. But what she does not understand is right beneath the veneer of charm and charisma is an angry, controlling, cruel, troubled young man who is about to put her through hell. Sooner or later, his true colors show through. Little by little he turns on her. First in little ways: The put-downs, the jealousy, the controlling of her every move. While this relationship may still be exciting to her, it soon escalates into something ugly, degrading, and heartbreaking. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, not even from Mr. Charming. It took Bekka quite a while to figure all this out:

      I was with an emotionally and mentally abusive guy for about a year. I stayed with him because he was a smooth talker and very manipulative. I didn’t see it then until the very end. Now I see everything clearly.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It’s Really Love
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

  1. Behind every abused teenage girl is the debilitating condition of low self-esteem. Almost every girl who is being abused is basically set up psychologically for it to happen. She often feels so low and unwanted that as long as some guy says he loves her, she will put up with almost anything. She is convinced she does not deserve and will never get a guy any better than the one who is treating her so poorly. Sarah has been there

    Girls go after abusive and uncaring guys because they don’t think that they deserve any better and/or that they could get any better. Any kind of attention is better than no attention. That’s what I thought anyway. A slap across the face from time to time was better than drowning in a room all alone. A few harsh words from a guy who sometimes did love me could be brushed off…when compared to the mouthful of obscenities that would flow from the mouth of my Father.

    Girl in an abusive dating relationship If you are being abused by your boyfriend, you are suffering from low self-esteem. Your troubled boyfriend wants you to stay that way. But do you really want to stay stuck in that cruel, emotional mud? If not, ask yourself, What must I do to respect myself enough to get away from him?

  2. Most teenage girls who are abused by their boyfriend think it’s normal, all just part of their lives. No one deserves to be put down, shoved, hit, controlled, or pressured to have sex. Everyone deserves love and respect as God’s children. The only problem is most girls who allow their boyfriends to abuse them don’t know that. Because of their dysfunctional family, what is abnormal to everyone else is perfectly normal to them. Jessica nailed it when she wrote,

    My last relationship was abusive. I gave in because it was what I grew up with. My mother’s boyfriend beat her while I was growing up, they were constantly arguing. Then she started hitting me and calling me names. I grew up thinking that was what a relationship was.

    Is it any wonder why so many abused girls get caught up in sabotaging healthy dating relationships. Let’s suppose for a moment a girl who is being hurt by her cruel boyfriend breaks up with him. She then starts dating someone who is kind, loving, and stable. Often, it doesn’t take long for her to break off the relationship. Why? A stable relationship is just so foreign to her. There’s not enough drama or an adrenaline rush with her new boyfriend. So often she will go back to another hurtful guy. Deb explains this powerful trap so well:

    The abusive man and his behaviors is what they have come to know as normal. Therefore when a normal and nice guy comes along, bells and warning signs go off inside them. Something is not right with this guy. They can become untrusting, because they do not know what his motives may be. Many times the abusive father says directly or indirectly that nice caring men are wimps. What girl could feel safe with a wimp? Yes safe. Abused girls feel safe with these abusers, believe it or not. The reverse would hold true for a girl who was bought up in a healthy home. Bells and [warning signs] would go off in her head and soul if she went out with an abusive guy, and she would be very distrusting of him

  3. It is easy for the abused girl to think she is in love with her abuser, when in fact she’s not. What is so loving about being slapped, shoved, teen girl abusive dating relationshipcursed, raped, and humiliated? That’s not love. No matter what her feelings say, she is not in love, she just feels she is. When you are lost or have a low self esteem, your view of love is distorted. (Tiffany) Why would she feel like she’s in love, even when she’s being abused? Well, in her heart, at least she’s not alone. She has a guy and he pays her attention, even as cruel as he may be. She is trying very hard in this ugly dating drama to help him and rescue him and that makes her feel better about herself. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, so she’s always on edge, obsessing over what he might do. She thinks it’s exciting he is suffocatingly jealous of her. She simply does not understand in her warped way of feeling that what she is experiencing is not love. True love shows kindness, respect, understanding, and wants to protect the partner from as much hurt as possible. Sadly, many abused girls don’t get it. They truly feel they are in love. How sad.
When you are lost or have a low self esteem, your view of love is distorted. #teendatingviolence Click To Tweet

Conclusion

There are many other reasons why girls are abused by their boyfriends. But hopefully this blog will help you get started in understanding why. If you are in an abusive relationship, I beg you to get out of it now. Take some time away from guys. Get to know yourself. Spend time with God. Heal up. And vow never to date an abusive guy again. You’re so much better than that.
Your friend,
Dawson McAllister

Has your abusive dating relationship left you feeling worthless and all alone? Download our eBook for ways to build up your self-worth and love yourself.


Free eBook! Understanding Self-Worth from TheHopeLine®

Abuse in Relationships Can Turn Into Tragedy

It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month and it’s a good time to remember that domestic violence is very real and affects a lot of people.  If you think domestic violence won’t affect you then this may change your mind.  We hear from people all the time that are involved in abusive relationships and in those volatile relationships – you never know what might happen next.  We are here to share the facts with you as well as one girl’s story of domestic violence that turned to tragedy.  We also will share with you, where to get help and how to help someone that may be a victim of domestic violence.

Larsen was in her home when her violent ex-boyfriend showed up with a gun.  She called 911, and the dispatchers said they heard gunshots while she was on the line with them.  When police arrived at the scene, they found Larsen shot to death.

Here is Larsen’s story:

(details shared by the victim’s sister, Tracy, adapted from Tracy’s interview with blogger, Sarah Von Bargen)

LarsenLarson was 25 years old and worked at Tampa General Hospital as a NICU Nurse. She loved her work and loved that she was doing something worthwhile. As a single mother, she devoted her life to finding a cure for her autistic son, Aidric. She spent countless hours doing research, taking him to doctors and therapy. She had him on a gluten-free casein-free diet. Her dream was that Aidric would grow up to be a functioning adult. In fact, her drive to be a nurse stemmed from his autism and the hope to go into a specialized field to not only help her son but others.  She was an amazing person. She was a force of nature that drew you in and drove you crazy! She was incredibly beautiful, kind, funnyshe had a contagious personality. She had a ton of friends and people just wanted her around because she could light up the room.

One day, she met a guy who owned a barber shop where she took her son to get his hair cut. He wooed her for a good 6 months before she agreed to go on a date. They were only together about 7 months and the very first time he became violent with her, she grabbed her son, left and never looked back. She filed for a protective injunction immediately after and got it. During the injunction process, his background came out. It turns out that two other women had restraining orders against him and he had a list of charges against him, including cocaine trafficking.

She had a restraining order against him and had no contact for about a month. He had been stalking her and she filed reports with the police but they couldn’t prove it was him. She was a strong, smart woman and did everything within her power to protect herself and her son.

Larsen’s murder was preplanned. He intended to run but only got one city away. He was running from the police, after the shooting when he lost control of his car and crashed it. The vehicle exploded and he burned to death.

LarsenLarsen’s sister, Tracy says the only way her and her family are getting through the pain is by lots and lots of prayer. They are a large, very close and loving family. They have all been leaning on each other and they have many close friends who have shown them love and support. Tracy says: We seem to work in cycles, so when one person loses it, someone is there to pick them up and then we switch. If it wasn’t for the strength of my family, I don’t know if I could deal with this. We try to remember how much we loved her and laughed with her and we are holding onto those memoriesI think that is the best we can do.

Here is Tracy’s advice to a friend or family member that may know someone experiencing domestic violence:

Get in their business. WAY IN. Tell them the truth, hurt their feelings, get angry with them. Be real with them. I think the situation my sister was very different than most domestic violence cases so it is hard for me to compare what she did to what others may be going through. All I know is that we knew something was off with that man and we let it slide because he was full of excuses that Larsen believed. No one ever thinks that someone they know or love will kill them, but it happens ALL THE TIME.

My family is now those people’ and as cliche’ as it is, if it can happen to us, it can happen to you. Think about a little boy who no longer has his mother, think about your sister or daughter or best friend being murdered because you wanted to supporttheir decision to stay. And please, follow your instincts. You don’t need to stay with anyone that is violent or abusive. Don’t let shame or pride keep you in a bad situation or keep you from talking to someone who is. Our hope by sharing this story is that someone will learn from our tragedy.

The Facts

  • 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime
  • Women ages 18 to 34 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence
  • More than 4 million women experience physical assault and rape by their partners
  • In 2 out of 3 female homicide cases, females are killed by a family member or intimate partner

Here are 10 signs of domestic violence and abuse (published by safehorizon.org):

Does your partner ever…

  • Accuse you of cheating and being disloyal?
  • Make you feel worthless?
  • Hurt you by hitting, choking or kicking you?
  • Intimidate and threaten to hurt you or someone you love?
  • Threaten to hurt themselves if they don’t get what they want?
  • Try to control what you do and who you see?
  • Isolate you?
  • Pressure or force you into unwanted sex?
  • Control your access to money?
  • Stalk you, including calling you constantly or following you?

If any of these sound familiar and you suspect you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you are not alone.  There is help for you.

You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1.800.799.7233 or CHAT with them HERE.

 

And here are a few ideas, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can do to help end domestic violence and support survivors:

  • Be non-violent and non-judgmental in your interactions with others.
  • Challenge attitudes and beliefs that promote a culture of violence and victim-blaming or shaming.
  • Hold the abusive person, not the victim, accountable for their abusive behaviors.
  • Learn how to support a friend or loved one if they tell you they are being abused.

Larsen’s parents gave ABC Action News an exclusive interview.  Watch it here:

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It’s Really Love
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

References

Bargen, S. V. (2011, April 11) TRUE STORY: I LOST MY SISTER TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Retrieved from: http://www.yesandyes.org/?s=Larsen

Domestic Violence: Statistics and Facts, Safe Horizon, Retrieved October 26, 2015, from: http://www.safehorizon.org

10 Signs of Domestic Violence & Abuse, Retrieved October 26, 2015 from http://www.safehorizon.org/page/10-signs-of-domestic-violence–abuse-291.html,

PTSD What is it and do I have it?

by Dawson McAllister

ptsd get help

Have you ever wondered, “What is PTSD?”

And maybe you have asked yourself, “Do I have it?” On my radio show I so often hear these types of statements:

“I keep re-living the time I was raped.”

“I don’t feel anything anymore, I have no emotions. I’m just numb after all the abuse I went through.”

“I’m constantly on-edge. I can’t ever let my guard down ever since I was in that horrific car accident.”

These are just a few of the different faces of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
PTSD is often associated with those who serve in the military and rightfully so. Since 2002 over 100,000 military members have been diagnosed with PTSD. But PTSD can effect anyone who has gone through a terrifying experience that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the pain of re-living the trauma over and over.

Related Posts:
Megan’s Struggle With Anxiety Disorder
How To Find Sanity In An Insane World
Mental Illness Is Not Mental Weakness

Since I hear the symptoms of PTSD discussed quite frequently on my radio show, I felt it would be very worthwhile to talk about this disorder today. As with everything knowledge is power and understanding is half the battle. If you have faced a traumatic experience here is what I want you to know:

  1. Not everyone who goes through a dangerous experience will get PTSD. Don’t assume that just because something traumatic happened that you are destined to get PTSD. This is not the case.
  2. However, if you have disturbing thoughts or feelings for more than a month after a traumatic experience, please seek help. This is NOT a sign of weakness, you are NOT expected to just get over it. What you are experiencing IS REAL and needs to be dealt with.
  3. One factor to reducing the risk of getting PTSD is to immediately get support after a terrifying event (rape, abuse, accident, tornado, flood, war, etc.). Talk about it, join a support group, be open about how you feel. This has proven to be an important step.
  4. Here are some signs you should see a doctor:
    • You are having trouble getting your world under control.
    • You are still having flashbacks or bad dreams.
    • You are stressed or frightened when you are no longer in danger.
    • You are avoiding normal life and losing interest in things you loved.
    • You are emotionally numb.
    • You have difficulty sleeping.
    • You are thinking suicidal thoughts.
  5. There are treatments available…Therapy, Support Groups, Medication.
  6. There is HOPE. With time and treatment you can overcome PTSD.
  7. God is with you in the journey. He says, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”

Now, if you know someone who has experienced a terrifying event, the role YOU play in supporting them will be key. So I’d like to offer the “support people” some advice as well:

  1. Be patient. It can be difficult for the person experiencing PTSD to express what they are feeling and it can make them uncomfortable to talk about it.
  2. NEVER assume or tell them, “It’s all in your head.” or “You can just get over it.” or “Only veterans get PTSD.”
  3. It is never too late for them to seek treatment. Even if the traumatic event occurred over a year ago or more, treatment is still important and effective.
  4. Honor their struggle to make peace with the event and don’t rush it.
  5. Since their perspective is driven by fear, they are not always logical keep reaching out. Keep encouraging.

ALWAYS remember there is HOPE. Here are a number of resources to support you in your journey:

Learn more about PTSD, by downloading your free eBook.

You are not alone.This video is about a girl I talked with on my radio show. She was struggling with PTSD from a traumatic event in her life.

Sexual Assault

JadeI was raped while taking the garbage out, right outside of my own house. I never saw who, but I’m hoping he will be caught soon.  I came to TheHopeLine because I was feeling alone and overwhelmed with everything.  Despite the support from my family and friends, I felt like I needed more.

So we talked for a while and I was given many resources which I will be taking, and then I was shown how God can help me heal.

Tonight, I found God. I know he will always be there for me, and I also know that TheHopeLine will be too.

So a HUGE thank you to the lady who helped me tonight, whoever you are.  You’ve helped push me in the right direction and I’ll forever be grateful.

Thank you.
Jade

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it by downloading your free eBook.

(Video) Sexual Abuse: Talleha’s Story

Talleha had been sexually abused and as a result, was depressed and ready to kill herself…then she found TheHopeLine® with Dawson McAllister.

Here is Talleha’s story:

More Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Abbie’s Story of Sexual Abuse
How Patrick Found Hope

1 in 4 girls are sexually abused by the age of 18

1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18

90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way

68% are abused by a family member

If you see any signs of abuse in someone you know, or if you yourself are abused get help right away. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is a 24-hour hotline with resources to aid in every child abuse situation. All calls are anonymous and confidential.  Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for help.

If you have been sexually abused or are a survivor of sexual abuse TheHopeLine® has an eBook for you.

Worst. Party. Ever.

by Dawson McAllister

Paul wrote: I was at a party once that was going great. Everyone was having a great time. Sure, there was some drinking, but I didn’t realize the neighbors had called the cops. Everybody ran, and people got trampled over trying to get away. I broke my arm falling over the couch. And my dad had to come get me from the police station. It was a nightmare.

Does this sound like the WORST PARTY EVER?

It’s that time of yearparty-time!

While I know there are plenty of reasons to hold parties all throughout the year, spring seems to bring with it even more reasons to get together.

The stay-out-all-night after-prom party. The we-finally-did-it graduation party. The weather-is-finally-nice beach/backyard/backroad party. The see-you-next-school-year college bash. You know what I’m talking about.
worst party ever
And, while these parties are meant to be celebrations, they can often get out of control and end disastrously. In fact, you could end up at the worst party ever.

I don’t want to be a downer, but I’ve heard too many stories on my radio show over the years from people who were taken advantage of at a party, or teens who lost a friend because of drunk-driving, or someone who ended up arrested because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

So let’s just talk about how to be smart at a party. How to have fun, and not be dumb!

Let’s set the sceneYou get to the party with your friend and everyone seems to be having fun. But after a while, you start to get the feeling that something isn’t quite right. For one thing, you notice people are bringing more and more alcohol to the party. You also notice people are starting to get really drunk or high. You even see people slipping away in couples, or even threesomes, heading to a back bedroom. You know nothing really good happens in the back bedroom. A thought flashes through your mind: drugs, alcohol, and a lot of people = trouble.

What are some signs of a party that you need to leave?

  • If there are a lot of people showing up you don’t know especially if they are bringing alcohol when they come
  • Rival gang members are there or fights are breaking out.
  • Couples are sneaking off upstairs or downstairs.
  • People are so wasted they are passing out.
  • The party is not well lit.
  • You can’t help but notice weird smells.
  • It’s so loud you know the neighbors are going to call the cops.
  • If you can imagine people being surprised if they were to hear you were at this party.
  • Your instincts are telling you to leave. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

It’s important to always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.

Here are some ways to protect yourself from getting trapped at a destructive party or at the “Worst Party Ever”:

  • Check out who’s going to the party a little research beforehand may save you a lot of grief later. Again follow your instincts. If there’s a concern, just don’t go. Why take a chance?
  • Don’t go to a party alone it’s usually best to go with two or three others just in case one person might want to stay.
  • Know your boundaries what you will and won’t do before you get to a party and stick within those limits. You are cool enough to withstand peer pressure.
  • Talk with a friend or your parents ahead of time, and ask if you can call and have them pick you up if you need to get away.
  • NEVER drive with someone who has been drinking.
  • Make sure your phone is charged if you need to call someone or a cab.
  • Go to TheHopeLine Get Help page to download our mobile app, so that you can talk with a HopeCoach anytime, anywhere, 24/7.
  • Don’t be afraid or ashamed to call your parents or a trusted adult someone who cares about your safety. They’ll forgive any mistakes you have made.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave the party immediately walking or running, if need be.
  • Be aware of your location, which streets are nearby, and what’s a landmark you could head to if you needed to get away.
  • Don’t worry about what other people think about you if they see you leaving. Some people’s lives have been all but ruined at a bad party.

I get the whole YOLO thing. And I know that according to Snoop Dog this is the time to be young and wild and free! I just want you to also be smart and safe and strong because I’ve seen first-hand that doing something in the momentcan have consequences that last a lifetime.

And if you see a friend in trouble at a party, check out our guest blog about 4 Ways to Keep Friends Safe.

CorsagesLastly, here are some things your peers told us about their party experiences:

Jenni wrote: I just don’t go to the parties where I know there will be drugs. And when there are, I get one of my friends to leave with me, and we do something else.

Trisha agreed with Jenni: I completely avoid the situation. But if I was there, I know better than to do that stuff. Usually I end up leaving.

Sounds like Jenni and Trisha have a good plan. Talk to your friends and create your own plan for surviving the Worst Party Ever.

Sexual Assault: 15 Tips to Protect Yourself

by Dawson McAllister

Let me be real clear from the beginning of this post if you have been sexually assaulted, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  PERIOD.  No matter what you did or did not do the choice was 100% the decision of the perpetrator.  They could have chosen to not violate you, but they did not make that choice, so it is THEIR fault and only theirs.

Now with that said, I want to offer you some tips that can perhaps help protect you from being a victim of sexual assault, but I want you to understand that even if you follow all these steps or if you slip up on one of them, and you experience a sexual assault, it still is not your fault.  These tips are simply meant to help make you more aware and lessen your chances.

15 Tips for Protecting Yourself from Sexual Assault  

  1. Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that you should not be alone with someone, leave. If you feel the party you are at is getting a little too out of control, get out.  If you are starting to get creeped out by how someone is looking at you or what they are saying to you, call a cab or find a friend.  Tips to Protect Yourself from Sexual Assault
  2. Be prepared. Before you go out make sure your phone is fully charged, carry some cash, and have the number of a cab company programmed in your phone.
  3. Don’t share too much on-line about what your plans are. 61% of attackers are known by the victim.

If you have been sexually assaulted, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  PERIOD.  No matter what you did or didn’t dothe choice was 100% the decision of the perpetrator.  They could have chosen to not violate you, but they did not make that choice, so it is THEIR fault and only theirs.

Related Posts:
A Rape Survivor’s Real Story
My First Experience With Pepper Spray

At a Party

  1. Stick together with your friends or let them know where you are going. It does not hurt to have code words to alert a friend if you are getting uncomfortable.
  2. Be aware of your alcohol consumption. My first recommendation is don’t drink especially if you are under age.  But if you are going to have a drink, know your limits.  There is no disputing the fact that alcohol compromises your ability to make responsible decisions and be accurately aware of your situation.  Over half of sexual assaults among college students involve alcohol.
  3. If you do have a drink, don’t let it out of your site. You never know when someone might slip something into your drink. If you leave it unattended, get a new drink.  Never accept a drink from someone you don’t know.
  4. Be ready to speak up to help someone out. If a situation seems wrong, step up.  Find others to support you and then offer some distraction to rescue a friend or peer from a questionable situation.

When Walking Alone  

  1. Keep your eyes scanning – Stay alert and pay attention to your surroundings.
  2. Keep your ears listening – Don’t have earphones in
  3. Keep your feet moving – Walk with a purpose
  4. Choose a smart route – Try to stick to well-traveled areas even if it is not the most direct path

On a Date

  1. Tell a friend where you are going
  2. Don’t compromise your standards – Set your boundaries and be firm. I don’t want tois a good enough reason.
  3. Understand that consent to sexual activity can be withdrawn at any time.
  4. If your date is making you uncomfortable – call a friend and use a code word, or, if you can, make an excuse and leave.

Since 1993, sexual assaults have declined by 60%.  So it is possible that by raising awareness and taking precautions, we can keep lowering the number of incidents.

If you are a survivor of a sexual assault, please take care of yourself and know that there is help for you.

Here are some resources for you:

Sexual Abuse and Assault Resources – The following are trusted resources from TheHopeLine® and our partners to help survivors of sexual assault and their loved ones.

RAINN – Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.

Also, check out our eBook, which includes the types and warning signs of sexual assault and the steps to take if you have been sexually assaulted.

Suicide

All my life, I’ve never good enough for anyone. My half-brother raped me and made me sleep with him.

When everything is going wrong, I can talk to someone HERE at TheHopeLine and I don’t feel alone.

I’ve tried to kill myself three times in the past six months but TheHopeLine has helped me. Thank you for everything.  Thank you for giving me hope again!

-Indira

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If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please:

4 Ways to Keep Your Friends Safe

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (#SAAPM).

Three women walking awayThat’s why this month, RAINN, a partner of TheHopeLine, is highlighting the important role that friends play in keeping each other safe. It’s about stepping up and showing you “C.A.R.E.” You have the ability to make a difference by intervening in a way that fits the situation and your comfort level.

Related Posts:
A Rape Survivor’s Real Story
My First Experience With Pepper Spray

If you find yourself in a situation where someone looks uncomfortable or something doesn’t seem right, consider one of the following ways to step in:

  • Create a distraction.Do what you can to interrupt the situation. A distraction can give the person at risk a chance to get to a safe place.
  • Ask directly. If you see someone who looks uncomfortable or is at risk, intervene and talk to the person who might be in trouble. If you feel safe, find a way to de-escalate the situation and separate all parties involved.
  • Refer to an authority. Keeping your friends safe doesn’t have to fall entirely on you alone. Sometimes the safest way to intervene is to refer to a neutral party with the authority to change the situation, like a college resident advisor or security guard.
  • Enlist others. It can be intimidating to approach a situation alone. Enlist another person to support you. There is safety in numbers.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.

You can also chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine or download TheHopeLine’s eBook called: Understanding Sexual Abuse.

50 Shades of…Stay Away

50 Shades of…Stay Away

A guest blog post by: Dave Anderson, Director of Rescue at TheHopeLine.

There has been much anticipation around the recently released (February 14, 2015) movie entitled 50 Shades of Grey. Some say it is a love story, others refer to it as a couple’s movie, while still others say it is simply another version of porn. What do we know about the movie? Well, we know it is based upon the book of the same name written by E. L. James. Additionally, we know the actors in the starring roles are Dakota Johnson and Jamie Doman. But what else do we know.

50 shadesFor starters, 50 Shades of Grey has its origin as Twilight Fan Fiction. Fan Fiction is exactly what it sounds like; fictional stories based upon characters or settings from an original source; in this case the Twilight series. The work is created by a fan, or fans of the original work, rather than the author, creator, or publisher of the original work. Fan fiction is rarely commissioned or authorized by the creator or publisher of the original work and as a result it is rarely professionally published. However, in our society of lust, porn, the degradation of women, and a complete lack of a working moral compass, 50 Shades of Grey has found success. It has been published and now has been released as a movie on the silver screen.

Related Posts:
A Rape Survivor’s Real Story
My First Experience With Pepper Spray

The book, and now the movie would classify as erotic romance.  At one time, erotic romance novels were found in only certain areas of certain bookstores. But in the society in which we live today, and given the great success of this book, it is found out in the middle of the isle being advertised as a good read. Erotic romances, like50 Shades of Grey, are known for explicit erotic scenes that feature bondage, sexual discipline, dominance, submission and/or sadism or masochism, all summarized as (BDSM). Thus, character development, cultural relevance, moral significance and redeeming quality is often lacking in these works.

Some may ask, What’s the harm in a little bondage among couples? They’re consenting adults. Besides, it’s just entertainment. Right?Well, not really. It’s not really just entertainment. Several critics and scientists have expressed concern, not over the BDSM in the novel, but the characteristics of the abusive relationship that abound within it. A recent study found that nearly all of the interactions between the two main characters in the book and movie, Ana and Christian, were emotionally abusive in nature, including such things as stalking, intimidation (bullying) and isolation. The study found that Ana met the Center for Disease Control’s standard for an abused woman and exhibited classic signs such as constantly perceiving a threat, stressful managing and altered identity. The study went on to find, within the book, pervasive sexual violence, according to the CDC’s definition. An example of this is Christian getting Ana drunk to get around her ability to consent to certain activities. A second study found that when comparing women who read at least one of the books in the trilogy, versus women who did not read one of the books in the trilogy, that women who read the book showed signs of having an eating disorder, having emotionally abusive partners, taking part in stalking behaviors and binge drinking.

Finally, the study’s lead researcher argues that the books romanticize dangerous behavior and perpetuate dangerous abuse standards. None of the behaviors exhibited by women who have read one of these books are healthy behaviors, and none of these are behaviors that anyone would want their mother, sister or daughter to exhibit. Nor, would anyone want their mother, sister or daughter to be involved, or should we say, entrapped within a relationship like the one being experienced by Ana. Thus, shouldn’t we conclude that the movie could be just as damaging?

So what have we learned? Well, we’ve learned that there is harm in a little bondage among couplesregardless of whether or not they are consenting adults. And this type of movie, or book, is far from just entertainment.To put it in perspective, Colin Covert, a writer for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, writing in his column on February 13, 2015, a man who is quoted in his column as saying, I have no objection to films whose characters have gymnastic bedroom flings while firmly tied and controlled by others.Said of the film, Sadly, Fifty Shades of Greydoesn’t entertainingly cross the line of good taste so much as trip and fall on it. The much anticipated movie opens promisingly. From then, it’s all downhill.

Oddly enough, even the co-stars of the film think 50 Shades of Grey is awful. In his article, Even the co-stars think 50 Shades of Grey is awful (and maybe even a bit like Hitler), writer John Jalsevac on www.lifesitenews.com had much to say after speaking with them. In the article, dated February 11, 2015, Jalsevac says, In other words, Dornan, after spending months immersing himself in the story and the character of Christian Grey, still has absolutely no idea why anybody would ever actually like the books.Dornan is further quoted. He states that after visiting on set the (place where activities occur) and returning home to his real life wife and daughter, I had a long shower before touching either of them.Jalsevac goes on to say in his article, And then there’s Dakota Johnson who kind of, sort of, maybe hopes that nobody ever watches the movie.He quotes Johnson as saying, I don’t want my family to see it, because it’s inappropriate. Or my brother’s friends that I grew up with.Later Johnson comments, It was emotionally taxing. At first I was like, Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever,’ and then I was like, All right, let’s get on with it.’

Needless to say, from my perspective, I haven’t seen it but I wouldn’t recommend the movie or the books. You might say, Well if you haven’t seen it, how can you say I should avoid it.My answer, I haven’t seen Hell either, or the inside of a coffin, but I would recommend to you, whom I do not even know, to avoid both. I believe relationships should be healthy for both parties and that they should be based on true and pure feelings for one another. Maybe in our early years of relationships these feelings are enjoying time with the other person, being supported by the person and being a support to them, caring about and being compassionate about similar things. Or maybe, it’s just simple pure friendship. Later, as relationships develop and people come to know one another better, love is the reason for continuing together, and being in loveis the notion that the other person is more important. The happiness, health and environment of the other person is at least as important, if not more important, than all of those things for us. 50 Shades of Grey is all about Christian; what he likes, what he wants, and what he wants to do with Ana. It’s not at all about Ana. That is not healthy. That is abusive. That is not love for another that is love for one’s self and for what one wants for themselves. These are just some of the reasons why I would name this book and the film, 50 Shades of Stay Away… Stay Far, Far Away!

Check out what Dawson has to say about Abusive Dating Relationships and what he has to say about love addiction in his blog, Trading Love Addiction for Meaningful Relationships. Also, download our free eBook for help in understanding sexual abuse.

Our partner ministry, Treasures, has created this video to expose the lies of the sex industry.

Abbie’s Story – Coping with Sexual Abuse

shutterstock_132949136I grew up in a home where I was sexually abused by my father on a daily basis until the age of 19. I was also abused by my step grandfather from the age of 6-17. I always blamed myself and would tell myself that I deserved this.  I was always told that I was damaged goods now and that no man would ever want me. My father got me pregnant twice and I had one abortion and gave a child up for adoption. The pain, hurt, shame and guilt were too much to bear and I had several suicide attempts. I also resorted to cutting so that I could feel again, as I was so numb and needed an escape. I reached out for help and spoke with someone at TheHopeLine and that has been a huge help.

Thank you!!

-Abbie

More Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Talleha Almost Killed Herself
How Patrick Found Hope

Do you know someone you think is being abused? Learn more about the signs of sexual abuse and how you can help someone who is being victimized by downloading this free eBook.

I Hated My Life…Your Show Saved Me!

Hate yourself. Never. Stop. Hoping.Dawson,

When I was younger there was an abuse situation between me and my mom.  The whole family knew about it but they just didn’t want to say anything, cuz at the time they were doing foster and they knew if they said anything there would be a investigation and they would get in trouble.

She always said I would not have enough courage to tell anybody so she was never worried about it.  One night, I was listening to your show on the radio, it was on z100.

I called TheHopeLine and told them what was happening, the next day they came out.   I was really glad they came out cuz after that she stopped with the abuse and started treating me differently.

I just want to say I’m really thankful cuz at the time I was having a hard time with being able to graduate high school with passing grades after that call things turned around I was able to graduate high school and went on to be a Marine and now I’ve been in for almost two years with out any problems.

If I hadn’t made that call I would have killed myself that’s how much I hated my life but now I’m glad your show saved me.

I’ve been to ten different countries and I still listen to your show as much as I can and I can relate to some  of the young adults that call in and give advice to the same situation or different situations cuz other Marines go through the same situations if not worse. So in the end I just want to say thank you for the hopeline.

Thanks for what you are doing!

Hope for the Abused

by Dawson McAllister

hope for the abusedIf you have experienced abuse in your life, whether it be physical, sexual, emotional/verbal, and neglect/abandonment, I want you to know that you can heal, you can move forward and there is hope. In this blog I want to talk about specific ways to deal with the abuse you may have experienced.

If you have been abused, you may feel your heart and soul have been put in a cage, and you feel like you will never be normal again. The truth is, there is always reason to believe you will begin to heal and learn how to live a healthy life again.

Always believe you can heal from #abuse and learn to live a healthy life. Click To Tweet

Here are some things you can do to move on after abuse

  1. Find someone to talk to about what’s going on. I say this a  lot, but it’s so important I can’t say it enough. Try your best to explain what is happening to someone you trust, like a pastor, a counselor at school, a doctor, a therapist, or perhaps even your best friend. Celeste commented to me on how she’s survived her abusive home life: The most important thing you can do is let out your feelings, before you explode and do something irrational like commit suicide or cut, which I did a lot of. If you keep the hate inside, it only multiplies by 10 and leads to disaster.
  2. Take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from serious abuse. It’s vitally important for me to mention that if you are living in an abusive situation, get out!  It’s not enough just to run away from these destructive authority figures. You must choose to run to a safe place or a person who can protect, counsel and help you. Our partner at National Safe Place can help you find a safe place near you.
  3. hope for abuse victimLet go of any guilt feelings. It’s not your fault you have been abused. And it’s never OK for someone to abuse you. You should never blame yourself, or bog yourself down with unnecessary guilt. Some victims of sexual abuse actually feel guilty about experiencing pleasure during what happened. This is a normal physical reaction. It doesn’t make the abuse right or acceptable.  If you wish you hadn’t done some of the things you’ve done in the past, you need to forgive yourself. Don’t get stuck feeling guilty and miserable for past mistakes that you didn’t choose or that were forced upon you.
  4. Think positively about yourself and your life. While your abuser may have physical control over you, he/she does not have to control your emotions. You still have the ability to be in charge of how you feel about yourself. Begin to put positive thoughts into your mind about yourself. Flush out the lies you’ve been told and replace them with the truth. For example, you might want to repeat to yourself, “I am a beautiful person, I am a kind person, I am loved, I have a bright future, every day and in every way my life is getting better.” Put these thoughts on cards and go over them again and again. Don’t try to cover over your pain with destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, swearing, sex or fighting. Instead, at times, learn to be alone or even spend time near water, like a lake or ocean. This will give you a sense of peace and inner-strength.Justin commented about how he survived in a painful, abusive home situation: Don’t let the negativity of one person make you jaded and cynical toward life itself. There is so much more out there. I found hope in knowing that one day I would be out of the mess and on a better path.
  5. Turn your abuse story into a way to help others. Allow the pain and hardship you’ve experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties. You might be stuck wishing you could just feel normal. For most people, normal means skating through life, driven by pleasure and comfort, unaware of life’s deeper issues. You are much more awake and alive to the reality of life’s beauty and complexities. If this makes you a deeper, more loving person, then use that to help others. Corie encouraged: I know we go through things for a reason and can learn from it but sometimes the pain, the feelings, thoughts and emotions are just so overwhelming at times. I share this because I want other survivors to know the feelings they have are normal for someone who has been abused. With time the overwhelming feelings can subside and life can get better if you just give it time. Don’t give up!
  6. Forgive your abuser. This might be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it will also be the most freeing experience possible. Even Jesus said to pray for your enemies  People will say all kinds of things against you, I say pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44)  Jonathan commented: One of the biggest things someone who lives in an abusive home needs to do is to learn how to forgive. It’s not easy, but building up hostility towards the abuser(s) will not help anything. Forgive your abuser, and then find others who have been able to forgive their abusers, as well.
  7. Run to God. Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and to those who love you the Give your problems to Godmost. Rely on God. He promises to be with you, and to never leave you or forsake you. Katie commented with this encouragement: Know that you are a child of God and you are not what others say or make you feel. Life is about experiences and you can learn from it and build yourself up. In this life you are what you make yourself not what others tear you down to be.
Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and those who love you the most. #abuse Click To Tweet

In Conclusion

Your life does not have to be ruined because you have been abused. It is not a death sentence, but a challenge to overcome. You can be a survivor. In fact, you can be an over-comer! Hang onto the confidence that you are still here and willing to deal with it.

Be an over-comer! Your life does not have to be ruined because you've been #abused. Click To Tweet

Maria encouraged: There is always help out there, sometimes from people you least expect. There is always hope, don’t give up on it, because if you do, you’re basically giving up on living and loving. Life is too short and too important to live with no hope.

Thank you for sharing your very personal stories in the comments you submitted. I have learned so much about your courage and hope. I know others have learned, as well. God bless you.

Need more information on sexual abuse? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine.

Understanding Sexual Abuse: eBook

What Is Verbal / Emotional Abuse?

by Dawson McAllister

what is emotional abuseAs I’ve been blogging about abuse, and read your comments and hear your stories on my radio show, I’m continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it’s supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I’ve blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.

Even though we live in a world where #abuse exists there is still reason to hope and press forward. Click To Tweet

What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?

Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He’d tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself — some ‘real man’ huh?

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.

Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:

  • Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
  • Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
  • Constantly telling someone he or she is “no good,” “worthless,” “bad,” or “a mistake”
  • Yelling, threatening, or bullying
  • Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
  • Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused

boy with hands on earsThis kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scares than physical or sexual abuse.

Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn’t want me, and that she doesn’t love me. And that’s not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.

Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don’t please her I feel like my heart breaks because I’m breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything — going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends — she feels if I’m not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family — nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.

A child is not responsible for the emotional well-being of his parent. #notyourfault #childabuse Click To Tweet

It’s Not Your Fault!

You’ve heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don’t have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven’t done. You’ve only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, and absorbed the wounds of someone else’s dysfunction and illness.

Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is tGetting over abusehe type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter and I didn’t deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn’t do them at all. When I am put in a situation I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that’s okay because nobody is. 

The part you can play when abused is to choose how you’re going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you’ve experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.

When you take the weight of someone else's dysfunction and illness. #emotionalabuse Click To Tweet

Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months — my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn’t talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you.  Jodi gave some good advice.  There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.

If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it’s important that you tell someone. Find someone you can trust to talk about what’s going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it’s extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.

If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

What Is Physical Abuse?

by Dawson McAllister

am i being abusedOn my blog I have found myself talking about issues few people are willing to confront. And yet, it is right below the surface of everyday life for millions of young people. It’s real. It hurts. And does untold damage. I’m talking about abuse, physical abuse. Please keep reading this blog no matter how painful it is for you. Remember, either you have been or are being physically abused, or you know someone who is. If this blog helps one person start the journey of healing, it’s completely worth it. Maybe that one person is you.

A girl who commented to me about her abuse shared this: “I still struggle from day to day trying to figure out my life and what I did to deserve it.”  The fact is, she did NOT deserve it. No one deserves it. I want you and this abuse victim to know there is hope. Regardless of what you’ve been through, no matter how you’ve been treated, you can still live a joyful, fulfilling life.

So what is physical abuse? There’s nothing pretty about physical abuse. It is painful even to talk about it. In fact there is much confusion and denial over even what it is. But it can include:

  • striking, slapping, kicking, biting
  • punching, pinching, pushing, pulling
  • cutting or shooting
  • locking in or out of a room or false imprisonment
  • strangling or any kind of torture
  • drowning
  • exposure to freezing cold, heat (burning), or electric shock

We’re not talking about accidental injury. This is done intentionally by someone who is asserting authority over you to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.

Always remember abuse is NOT your fault. You never deserve to be physically hurt. #abuse Click To Tweet

Who Is An Abuser and Why Does He/She Do It?

Why do they do it? Typically, physical abuse is caused by a person’s inability to control their anger or frustration. This anger usually is about things that have nothing to do with the person they are abusing, but rather things such as their job or personal stresses, loneliness, depression, lack of friends, psychiatric disorders, having been abused themselves, or many times, alcohol or drug abuse. Physical abuse can happen to anyone. And it is next to impossible to recognize an abuser from outward appearances. He could be the charming guy who lives next door, or the attractive teacher at school. In most cases, the person causing the abuse is a parent but can also be an older sibling, relative, guardian, or partner.

Angry man with fistThe blame for abuse lies completely with the abuser. I received a comment from a person whose parents abused her. Every person who has ever been abused needs to read this comment. Something I learned that really helped me while I was growing up, was that I had to realize it wasn’t my fault – that I didn’t make them act that way and that I didn’t deserve what was being done to me. It’s so easy to fall into a trap of self-blame. You feel like you’re more of an adult than your parents are, so you accept responsibility for things that are actually their responsibility. “I should have known better than to say that,” you tell yourself, or “they wouldn’t get so angry if I didn’t mess up all the time.” But those are LIES. The TRUTH is that your parents are sick people. And it’s not your fault that their sickness is affecting your life.

If you are being physically abused, the most important thing you can do is find someone you can trust and seek his or her help. No healing from physical abuse takes place without this first very important step.

This is one of the most powerful comments I have ever received. Please heed the advice of Silent mouthJeremy: “Abuse is wrong no matter what! Please don’t stay quiet. Speak up and tell someone. I promise you will have a better life if you tell than if you stay quiet. I lost my twin brother to suicide because of not being able to talk to someone about his problems because of the abusive home situation. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CARE!!” 

Abuse is wrong no matter what! Don't stay quiet. Speak up. #abuse Click To Tweet

You can always chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Remember there is always hope. Even if you have been physically abused, you still have the ability to control how you feel and your response. Read the words of someone who was seriously abused: “They may do things to try to make you feel angry or helpless or hopeless, but you don’t have to give them that part of yourself. You don’t have to believe what they tell you or allow them to break your spirit. How they treat you is their choice; but how much you let them control the way you feel – that’s your choice. If you can learn to control your own feelings, regardless of what they do or don’t do – that’s what will help you survive.” 

Leave a comment with your stories and insight, you never know who you might help with your story.

 

What Is Abuse?

by Dawson McAllister

What Is Abuse and What To Do About It

When I first started in my radio career talking to teenagers and young adults, I quickly became amazed at what my audience wanted to talk about. Many of them wanted to talk about abuse in their family. I had no choice. I had to face the problem head on. For example, not long ago, I received a comment from an anonymous listener:

I come from a family with lots of abuse and confusion. My dad left barely over 2 years ago. He sexually abused me, my brother and sister. I can’t trust anybody. How am I supposed to trust again? Every time I let my guard down, I get hurt again.

Not only was this listener revealing the deep dark secrets of her family, she was also speaking of the horrific consequences of those secrets. No doubt, you have been abused in some way, or know somebody who has. This is something I must write about with the hope that what I have to say will help and encourage you in some way.

First, if you think you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE chat with one of our HopeCoaches. All chats are free and confidential.

No one knows just how many people have been abused in some way in their home. But the numbers we do know are staggering:

  • There are nearly 3 million reports of child abuse made annually.
  • The rate of child abuse is estimated to be 3 times greater than is reported.

My guess is the problem is even greater than what you and I think it is.

WHAT IS ABUSE?

Abuse simply put, is when one person causes physical, sexual or emotional injury or harm to another. Federal law defines it as: Any act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or, An act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.

4 Specific Types of Abuse

  1. Physical Abuse This abuse is usually the most easily identified. It can include any kind of non-accidental hitting, shaking, burning, biting, choking, throwing, or any behaviors that cause physical injury, leave marks, or create significant pain.Li commented what it’s like living in a physically abusive home: You feel like everything is your fault and that nothing you do is right. I was abused until I was 8 years old. First, I was emotionally and somewhat physically abused by my mother, and then strongly physically abused by my stepmother. While going through this, I had no one to turn to but my best friend.
  2. Sexual Abuse
    Any type of sexual contact between an adult and anyone younger than 18, or between a significantly older child and a younger child is considered sexual abuse. This includes penetration or external touching of intimate parts, oral sex, indecent exposure or any other sexual act performed in your presence for sexual gratification. It can also include the showing of pornography to someone younger than 18.Emily says she has lived in an abusive, hazardous family situation her entire life. My dad started sexually abusing me at 6 years old, and it went on until I was 11. It was hard to deal with. I used to pretend that it didn’t happen, but it did, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I never figured out a healthy way of dealing with it. I was anorexic for years. I used to cut myself. I was suicidal. I hated my life.
  3. Emotional and/or Verbal Abuse
    Emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when parents constantly criticize, threaten, or dismiss kids or teens until their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes constant family conflict. Emotional abuse can hurt and cause major damage just as physical or sexually abuse does.Jessie describes the verbal abuse in her family: My father yells at me whenever I question why. I am beginning to get bitter toward him because he seems to not trust me at all, and he seems to treat me like a slave and its hard to handle. I have tried talking to him but once again he yelled at me and I began to cry. I never yell at my dad but sometimes I would like to.
  4. Neglect
    You are considered to be neglected when your parent’s whereabouts are unknown, if you’ve been left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, or your parent has failed to maintain contact with you. This also happens when you don’t have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, education, or supervision.This is something Maria deals with. My dad was at a neighbor’s house, drunk. He didn’t call home or my cell to check on me. He didn’t answer his cell when I called, nothing. I get home from school at 3 and my mom gets home from work at 9:30. My dad left the same time as my mom and didn’t come home until nearly an hour later than my mom. The house was wide open. ANYTHING could’ve happened to me.

Do you identify with any of these forms of abuse? It is difficult admitting that you are being abused; especially if it’s something you have lived with for many years. You might just think it’s the way things are and there’s nothing that can be done about it. You can also mistakenly think you bring abuse on yourself by not acting right, or by not living up to someone’s expectations. The kinds of abuse listed above are not normal or healthy ways to treat people.
If you think you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE chat with one of our HopeCoaches. All chats are free and confidential.

My Boyfriend Hurt Me

by Dawson McAllister

[He] Made Me do Nasty Stuff that I Really Didn’t Want to Do.

I am 14 years and I listen to your show as much as I can. I had a hard time last year because one boy I like was at the bowling alley and made me do nasty stuff that I really didn’t want to do.

I’ve heard a similar story many, many times before and it breaks my heart. She met this boy she boyfriends hurts me sexuallyreally liked. But by the time their relationship ended, she felt used and probably ashamed. Why? Because, “[he] made me do nasty stuff that I really didn’t want to do.”

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
Sex And Father Hunger
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

It makes me wonder what her ex-boyfriend was thinking. Why did he push her to do things sexually that violated and hurt her?  Maybe he felt like he was in love with her, and wanted his sexual passion to become even more intense.  But the truth is, he did not really love her.  You see, love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.  Love does not trash someone else’s deeply held values.  The term love is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary.  Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, I love you, he is really saying, I don’t love you.  I love me and what sexual favors you do for me.

Don't listen to what a guy says. Watch what he does. #loveisrespect Click To Tweet

When a guy really loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.  Someone once said, “Love can always wait to give.  Lust can’t wait to get.”  I don’t really know what Alicia’s ex-boyfriend was saying to her.  My guess is he told her he loved her and if she loved him, she would do things he wanted her to do.  He was lying to her, or he was terribly confused.  I often say on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, something very simple: “Don’t listen to what a guy says. Watch what he does.” Whatever Alicia’s ex-boyfriend said to her, his actions proved him wrong.  I believe in guys (I happen to be one myself), but I’m tired of some guys using girls just for their own cheap thrills.

Your friend,
Dawson

P.S. TheHopeLine® has created a free eBook about dating. Check it out!