TheHopeLine

Abandonment

Amy’s Mother Abandoned Her: EP 8

How to Heal from Mother Abandonment.

In This Episode:

For 14 years, Amy was practically raising herself, while her mom was in the bars drinking. Amy’s mom wasn’t there for her when she needed her the most. The hurt Amy has from her mom abandoning her has continued into her adult life. Mother abandonment is one of the worst things a person can experience and it can have devastating consequences. In this episode, I talk about those consequences and share some of the ways to begin to deal with the pain and get healing.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Your mother may have abandoned you but it doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life. I want to help you discover healing from mother abandonment. Let’s face the truth together, accept that your mom may never change, and then work on forgiving her. I also want to you to understand that God loves you and no matter how deeply you’ve been hurt by your mother, I’m confident with God’s help you can find emotional and spiritual healing. Mother abandonment might be the beginning of your story but it’s not going to be the end.

Resources for help with abandonment:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

My next episode is on making peace with God.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Can Cody Forgive His Mom?: EP 7

How to Forgive Those Who Have Deeply Hurt You.

In This Episode:

No doubt there is at least one person in your life you need to forgive. This person has deeply hurt you, violated you and caused you tremendous pain. What the person did to you is inexcusable but it is forgivable. Forgiving them means you are giving up your right to get even with that person. Even if you don’t feel like it, choose forgiveness for your own well-being.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

What happens if you don’t forgive? You become a slave to bitterness. Bitterness will corrupt you and those around you. Forgiving is not easy but with God’s help, all things are possible. He forgave us therefore we absolutely can offer forgiveness to others, no matter the offense. The Bible says to, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Colossians 3:13)

Resources for help with forgiveness:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

My next episode is on mother abandonment.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Christina’s Father Hunger: EP 2

How to Find Healing From the Damage of Fatherlessness.

In This Episode:

Father hunger is a lack of sufficient fathering which is extremely impactful to a person’s life for good or bad. I will explain to you how you can heal from the damage of an absent father. Then, I’ll give you practical ways to deal with father hunger, including powerful, “I release my father from…” statements of forgiveness. This episode also includes Christina’s story and how the lack of a father in her life affected her. You will hear my advice for Christina, which can be applied to your life as well.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Perhaps you can relate to father hunger in your own life. Have you let a negative relationship with your father define you? Have you held onto anger and resentment from times he’s hurt you? Or maybe you’ve done things you’re not proud of to try to fill the void, left by not having a father. It’s taken a lifetime for you to get to this point and healing will not happen overnight.

Resources for Father Hunger:

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

 

The next episode is about dealing with a broken heart.

See you next week and whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Dealing With Abandonment

by Dawson McAllister

I’ve written blogs about physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional abuse, but there is one more kind of abuse I’d like to address…neglect and abandonment.

What Is Neglect and Abandonment?
I feel aloneYou can be considered neglected or abandoned when you don’t know where your parents are, if they have left you alone, or have failed to maintain contact with you. It also includes being left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, lack adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, even education or supervision. Another common childhood experience is being emotionally abandoned by a parent. When parents are critical, dismissive, invasive or preoccupied to the point that it communicates to a child that  “You don’t matter,” or “Your feelings aren’t important“. This makes a child feel unloved, unaccepted and misunderstood.

Abandonment can include just walking away from the family, it can include divorce, and it can even include suicide.

Abandonment can also be experienced when a parent disappears from a child’s life. It can happen at a very young age, or it can even be when you’re a teenager or young adult.  A parent walking away from the family, divorce situations, and even suicide of a parent can lead to deep feelings of abandonment and communicate to a child, “You aren’t worth being connected with.” The common factor is an outright decision by the parent to not be a part of their child’s life any longer.

I felt I didn't matter.Netasha expressed her sadness over having her father leave her mother when she got pregnant. “They went through all the court stuff and he told the judge I was his mistake and that he wanted nothing to do with. So it’s not that I hate him or anything, I’m just disappointed in his decision. It would have just been easier growing up with him around. I’m about to graduate high school and go to college and he isn’t even here to watch me get my diploma. It’s heartbreaking.”

Related Posts:
Reaching Out For A Father
Sex And Father Hunger

For a child who has been abandoned by a parent, it’s easy to try to fill that void with unhealthy relationships. Kristy commented on how she’s lured into relationships with destructive guys: I am lured to these guys because I have almost no relationship with my father, and I want to replace that missing love with a boyfriend. Having the poor relationship with my father makes me feel like I did something wrong or need to prove I’m worthy of love from a man. Therefore, I’m attracted to a jerk who will test my limits and make me endure mentally and emotionally scarring situations to prove I am worthy.

It’s easy for anybody, regardless of age, to think the disappearance of their parent is somehow their fault. This is not the truth. As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision. They are simply operating out of their own place of hurt and pain, and that can be caused by a number of things, in particular, their own abusive upbringing.

As a young person, you cannot carry the blame for a grown adult’s abusive decision.

Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can often lead to many forms of addiction…including love addiction. It’s normal to feel angry when you have been betrayed, abandoned or hurt in some way. If that anger is not dealt with, you will soon become bitter and blame others for the pain.

Neglect and abandonment are huge issues, and can actually be the form of abuse that leads to almost all other addictions.

If you determine you are living in a neglect/abandonment abusive situation, it’s important that you tell someone. Find someone you can trust to talk about what’s going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with TheHopeLine. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).  There is always hope and there are ways to deal with abuse going on in your own life, or to help someone you know who is going through abuse.

I’ll end with some advice from Travis: It definitely helps to have two or three good friends you can turn to anytime you need anything. I usually try and make myself to be one of those friends they can turn to, a shoulder to lean on, and someone they can confidently trust.

Also, download our eBook for more information on abandonment and how to cope with it!

How To Deal With Father Hunger

by Dawson McAllister

I’ve had a few fears about writing this blog. I’ve been afraid it would become too heavy and few people would read it. Then I received your incredible, meaningful, and insightful comments on Father Hunger. I realized then, trying to find healing from Father Hunger is a big, big deal. The poll showed that 90% of you agreed with me. Then I received a comment from Danielle and it rocked my world. She said,

When I was 11-13 my dad never even talked to me. He would tell me I looked and acted too much like my mom (who had just left him) so he wanted nothing to do with me. I went online and started getting into major trouble. Phone sex, cyber sex, webcam shows, you name it I did it

Related Posts:
Reaching Out For A Father
Sex And Father Hunger

If this blog helps one person like Danielle, it’s worth it. So how does one go about getting healed from Father Hunger? And how do you deal with father hunger? I have a few ideas, and the thoughts from your comments gave me some more. Some of these suggestions might just work and that would be awesome. So here goes.

  1. Every person who overcame Father Hunger had to first overcome denial. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable. No one wants to think about or have those awful feelings of being neglected, rejected, or even abandoned. So it is very easy, when it comes to Father Hunger, to pretend the hurt that comes from a broken relationship with him doesn’t really matter. The only problem is denial only works for a little while, and then the hurt comes back, and usually even stronger. There is a saying from the Bible that goes, You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there! It’s kind of like finding out you have Cancer. The doctor tells you if you don’t have an operation, you will die soon. Yes, the surgery will hurt, but at least you will live. Emotionally, healing can’t really begin until we admit the painful truth that Father Hunger is real.
  2. Don’t react to Father Hunger by acting out and thereby making matters much worse.It’s easy to overreact to the kind of pain Father Hunger brings. Sometimes people who have Father Hunger lash out in rebellion. Others look for any kind of medication they can find to try to make the pain go away. But acting out to solve Father Hunger never works. I received a comment from a really honest girl named Rheagan. What she had to say stopped me in my tracks. Her father really hurt her sister and her.

    He left us with a shovel and no direction on how to fill a huge hole. It seems we’re using guys over and over and hurting them by tossing them away and going for another one different trying to see as if maybe, like a puzzle, the piece will fit in. Sometimes you get a piece that is almost right, but the edge is different and the only piece that fits is the father. Without him, we keep searching trying to find it, without realizing the piece is hidden.

    Tossing guys away and purposely hurting them is a wrong response to Father Hunger. And as I have said all along, giving in to guys isn’t the answer either. Take a look at the comment I received from Juli.

    A lady who goes to schools and talks about abstinence holds up two hearts cut out of foil then she crumples them together. She makes everyone laugh by saying ‘I bet you’ve never seen foil having sex!’ After she takes them a part she tries to make them look smooth again but she can’t. It means that even if we don’t think it does, sex does something to crumple our heart. We need to protect our heart as much as possible.

    Then I received a comment from Cali. I was stunned by her anger.

    They say that you hurt the ones you love most. Well then in that case I guess my dad loves me to death!

    Trying to cover the pain by rage, sex, drugs, or any other false feel good never works. In fact, acting out can cause more hurt to ourselves than even what our fathers may have done to us. If you are acting out, you need to stop. You’re only making matters much worse. And in the end, the only one you’re hurting is yourself. Colleen’s father was abusive and so she turned to cutting to numb the pain, but she got help from a HopeCoach. Read Colleen’s story of HOPE here.

Let’s talk next about “Reaching out for a Father.”
Your friend,
Dawson
P.S. TheHopeLine has put together an Ebook on self-worth. Click the link to download it for free. You matter!
self-worth help

Sex and Father Hunger

by Dawson McAllister

Sex and Father Hunger

father hunger
I’ve been thinking a lot about why girls give in to guys.  It’s almost at epidemic proportions.  I am saddened when I hear about so many girls who thought they were in love become devastated by giving in to guys when it wasn’t love at all.  So why do girls give in to guys?

There are several reasons why.  I’d like to talk about one few people think about  Father Hunger.

Father Hunger is a deep longing that comes into our lives when there is little or no closeness between us and our fathers.  This longing causes us to crave a father figure to fill that role.

What does Father Hunger have to do with girls giving in to guys?  Leah, in her comment, answers that question:

Girls who have poor relationships with their fathers easily give into sex because they are looking for something or someone to fill the void their father has left.

Few of us have any idea the impact fathers play in our lives, for good or for bad. We are emotionally hardwired to be loved and accepted by our dads. I was blessed with a great father who loved and accepted me.  When he died, I was devastated. I still miss him greatly and think about him everyday. He made a profound impact on my life. One thing fathers are designed to do is be a role model on how to relate to the opposite sex.

Related Posts:
Love Addiction And Abandonment
How To Deal With Father Hunger

As Derek said,

 Women who don’t have good relationships with their fathers never get to see how a man should treat women, and especially the woman he loves. Without this basis for how a relationship should go, they are lost and confused.

 Maybe your father failed to be a role model in your life and never taught you how to relate to the opposite sex.  Without his example and encouragement, you could easily be confused and vulnerable to some guys who only want to use you. Father hunger can easily cause an intense craving in you to be accepted and loved by a father figure.  It’s easy to confuse that craving with what you feel is love.  Sex without love and commitment (marriage) never meets needs, it only uncovers them.  A guy named Michael wrote one of the most insightful thoughts I have read in a long time:

 Since some girls never got the right attention from their fathers they want to get the wrong attention from their boyfriend.

 King Solomon, whose been called the wisest man in the Bible, said this:

 When you’re hungry, even what taste bitter taste good.

Sex without commitment will never solve your Father Hunger.  In fact, it will only make matters much worse.  Father Hunger is so deep it can only be filled a lot of work and the grace of God. Let’s face it, if you are a female, you are under tremendous pressure to have sex without commitment (marriage).  For example, there is your own natural and healthy emotional and sexual attraction to guys.  Then the culture glamorizes it and tells you it’s okay.  Also, there is a lie at your school which says, Sex is love.  So if you think you are in love, it’s only normal to have sex.  Plus, at one time or another, you will probably be pressured by a guy to give in.  Finally, there’s the incredible emotional cravings of father hunger that causes you to long even more for to fill your need (good or bad).  That makes you more susceptible to destructive sex.  That’s a lot of pressure.  As Kendra put it

 When a girl is hurt in life by her father the daughter will search the rest of her life for love from a man. She needs a strong male figure in her life, but without a dad to show her what a real man is, she will fall for any trick of the trade.

That doesn’t mean you have to, or will.  Some girls have great relationships with their fathers and still give in to guys.  Others have very poor, or no relationships with their fathers and never give in.  So how do you stay strong? Someone once said, If you want to be happy, know yourself and know your God.  As you understand yourself better, it will be easier for you to protect yourself not only from some guy who may want to use you, but also from your own weaknesses.

I am totally in your corner. That’s why I’ve told you the truth. We all need to understand ourselves better, and together face difficult issues like Father Hunger. Check out my blog on “How to Deal with Father Hunger”

Your friend,
Dawson

Reaching Out For A Father

by Dawson McAllister

Reaching Out for a Father

Last week I spent quite a bit of time talking about dealing with Father Hunger. There was so much more I wanted to say. I mean we could spend hours talking about this important issue. So I want to add a couple more thoughts about it. Make sure you read last week’s blog, How to Deal with Father Hunger. It will help this blog make more sense.

  1. If you are suffering from Father Hunger, then it’s important, if at all possible, talk to your father about it.That may be impossible for you because you may not even know who or where your birth father is. But if you can contact him and it’s safe, it’s real important you communicate with him. I received a comment from

    Sandra this week which made a lot of sense.

    Someone who is suffering from father hunger should have a talk with their father about their feelings. Howeversome fathers don’t even want to take the time to listen to [their] child who is [dying] inside of painI can’t guarantee that it will work, but most of the time it does, and he will probably take the time to think about all this and will want to retry the father daughter or son relationship.

    I agree with Sandra. Trying to talk to your father may not work, but it’s worth a try. Maybe he won’t respond to you the way you hoped he would, but at least you will have a clear conscience knowing you have done everything in your power to make peace with him.

    When you communicate with your father, you need to first build him up and thank him for whatever he has done for you, even if it’s something very small or insignificant. I am a father, and I know from experience every father craves to be respected by their children, even if they have done horrible things. I mean, think of it. Your father has a lot of hurts too. He, no doubt, didn’t have the best relationship with his father either. That is not to excuse what he has done or failed to do. It just means he needs your compassion and love too.

    Related Posts:
    Love Addiction And Abandonment
    How To Deal With Father Hunger

    You may want to write out how you feel about your hurt and your relationship with him. Sometimes it’s easier for fathers to read about how you feel rather than hear it directly face to face. You may want to ask your mother, or another relative, what they think is the best way to confront your father. Confronting you father will not be easy, but it could do wonders for your relationship, and help you grow as a person.

  2. If you suffer from Father Hunger, begin to look for a stand-in father.You may think a stand-in father won’t work for you, but I have talked to many students over the years where a substitute father or mentor has made all the difference in the world. Just knowing someone really cares for you can make a huge difference.

    Laura’s comment says it all:

    I have gotten the chance to get closer to my band director at school. He has helped me so much this year. He is like a dad to me

    But how does one go about finding a father figure? Morgan sent me some great advice:

    I think they should take a good, long look at their Father Hunger and ask themselves, “is this solvable?” If it’s possible to talk to their fathers about their Father Hunger, do so!! If not, I think they should go to a grandpa, uncle, or even an older brother they know loves them, and just spend time with them. Chat with them. Go to lunch with them. Everything that those suffering from Father Hunger would want to do with their dad (like go out to lunch, play sports, play a board game, etc)..It certainly wouldn’t replace their dad, but it would bring some love from a male father figure into their life and fill some of that void.

    Another idea in finding a stand-in father is to go to your church or place of worship. Find an older woman whom you trust and ask her to help you find a father figure. She will more likely know who would be the best stand-in father figure at your church you can trust.

 

Have a great week.

Your friend,
Dawson

Love Addiction and Abandonment

by Dawson McAllister

Love Addiction and Abandonment

Writing about love addiction has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Things I didn’t totally understand before. One thing I’ve learned is just how powerful this addiction is and how it reaches deep into our very heart or hearts. Read on with me and you will see what I mean.
You may possibly find yourself in this blog and be forced to ask, ” Am I a love addict?” In many ways it’s not your fault if you have this addiction. The question is how can you deal with it and not be under its terrible curse. In my other blogs on love addiction, I worked through defining just what love addiction is. Here’s the definition:

If you are a love addict, you obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships. Once in a relationship, you feel you can’t live without the other person and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn’t work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.

If you are a love addict, don’t despair. I’m convinced at least 50% of all teenagers and young adults suffer from this addiction. I say this because one characteristic of every love addict is that he or she has suffered from being abandoned as a child. This abandonment is almost always caused by one parent, and in some cases both physically or emotionally abandoning their child. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, not to mention all the live-together break-ups. No child can go through seeing their parents break up without it affecting them in some way. Being abandoned or left behind, especially as a child, is traumatic. In fact, it is one of the worst things to happen to a child.

Do you try medicate or relieve the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships? Click To Tweet

Let’s take Sarah’s story to help prove the point: [My dad] would stand at the door and yell so loud that I had to cover my ears because all they did was ring. I could hardly make out a single word that was said and he was gone. A last minute attempt to beg him to stay after all was said and done never worked, not one time. After the first few times, his heart left with him and only his physical body ever returned. My father never came back, only a man with a similar appearance to him. I then set out on a search for the love that man once had to offer me.(Sarah) Sarah understands abandonment and her search for love she may never find.

No one as a child can go through seeing their parents break up without it having a devastating effect.

When Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out to His Heavenly Father, My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? (Matthew 27:46) Jesus was crying from the depths of His soul to His father. You could translate what Jesus said into My God, My God, why have You left Me behind?Not only was Christ dying, He was being abandoned by God as He slipped into death. One can only imagine how horrific that was for Him.

Related Posts:
Reaching Out For A Father
Sex And Father Hunger

As we have seen, being left behind can be terrifying to a young child. I was with my 7-month old grandchild a few weeks ago (we spend a lot of time together). We were outside and it was getting dark. She wandered off up the driveway. I just stood and watched her, keeping my eye on her every second. Suddenly she realized she was alone. She panicked, screamed, and ran back to me, wrapping her little arms about my leg. I picked her up, held her, and comforted her. She was happy again. Her grandpa had not abandoned her. But what about the millions of children who have been abandoned? What happens to them?

abandonment and love addictsAllow me to quote Pia Mellody in her great book Facing Love Addiction. She said, Love Addicts usually didn’t have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers. Caring transmits the messages, ‘You’re important, you matter, and you are loved,’…when children do not get enough connection and nurture from a parent, they experience serious difficulty with self-esteem. Love Addicts usually experienced much deep pain and sadness and an acute sense of loss during childhood, because a part of themselves was denied the opportunity to grow properly when their caregivers failed to take care of them. This pain and sadness I call ‘the pain of the precious child.’ It goes very deep and back far beyond the earliest conscious memories. As children, Love Addicts experienced enormous fear because they were helpless to create a connection with their caregivers. In counseling they often describe that child-fear as a sense of having a loss of their own breath, as if their air supply had been cut off and they were literally dying. They also describe being empty because they weren’t filled with nurture by their caregivers. And because they weren’t nurtured for who they were, they had trouble being or liking their natural selves.

Love Addicts usually didn’t have enough appropriate bonding with their caregivers.

Does that sound like you? Confused, craving for love, and yet despising yourself at the same time. These thoughts and feelings are hard to get rid of from within us because we received them when we were so young and helpless. So how does a young child cope with these terrible feelings?

I am going to quote Pia Mellody again because what I’m about to quote you blew my mind. One way such children may escape the pain of severe abandonment by the parents is to fantasize about being rescued by a hero of some kind.Little girls may imagine a knight and shining armor who has loving feelings for her and who does things that demonstrate this love by connecting with her, finally giving her life meaning and vitality. Children spend so much time in this fantasy world because it creates a state of euphoria. I spent hours as a child daydreaming about my knight in shining armor. If I felt bad I could play out this fantasy in my mind, get high in about ten minutes, and stay there for at least two or three hours.

abandonment and love addictionOne can see how love addiction can start at a very young age through fantasies. A love addict is forever pursuing that high they think another person can give them. When that person rescues, connects, and loves them, is it any wonder love addicts can be so stubborn about their condition and stuck in it?  I remember from young on I was always obsessed with love. I wanted love more than anything in the world. I even subjected myself to a lot of bad treatment just to feel love. I have been used, abused, and mistreated by a lot of guys just to get it. Now I realize I brought it upon myself in some way. If I wasn’t so addicted to love and having it, I wouldn’t of subjected myself to those things or situations.(Lindsey)

Please do not let this blog discourage you. In fact, it may have given you some relief since you are better able to understand yourself now. There is hope for a love addict, and that’s what I’m going to talk about next week. Tell all your friends about it, because no doubt, many of your friends are indeed love addicts.

Also, download our eBook for more information on abandonment and how to cope with it!

Understanding Abandonment: eBook