TheHopeLine

Divorce

Is Your Toxic Relationship Sucking the Life out of You? EP 21

Above All Else, Guard Your Heart…

In This Episode:

Do you have a relationship sucking the life and energy from you? Maybe you don’t even realize your relationship is dragging you down. If it’s poisoning your self-esteem and happiness then chances are it’s extremely toxic, which means…time to get out! In this episode, I talk with Ashely about all the toxic, hurtful things her messed up boyfriend does to her. Then I talk with Kelsea, who’s boyfriend is sucking the life out of her causing her to be confused and miserable. Lastly, I talk with Jess. He and his girlfriend keep going back to the destructive parts of their relationship causing confusion, hurt and chaos in their relationship.

Hurt Repeatedly

Ashley’s messed up boyfriend has hurt her repeatedly. He’s done many terrible things, including:

  • Bringing way too much drama to the relationship
  • Stolen money from Ashley
  • Left her all alone
  • Lied to her countless times
  • Doesn’t take responsibility for his children
  • Repeatedly breaks his promises

He’s also a player, a user, an abuser and is a guy lacking a conscience. As you can tell, there is no question, Ashley is in a toxic relationship. The longer she stays in it, the more difficult it will be for her to end it.

The good news is Ashley has friends who will support her. She’s not alone. God is with her to help her do what she must do. As scary as it is, Ashley should have a restraining order put on him, and break off all contact, even if it means she must move away. But as long as she gives him hope, he’ll hang around, trying all of his tricks again and again. Ashley needs to cut off all ties with him, no matter what.

Is your relationship sucking the life and energy out of you? #realtionships Click To Tweet

Confused and Miserable

Kelsea’s been dating a guy for 2 years. He’s caused Kelsea to be confused and miserable because:

  • He like many other toxic people have trust issues.
  • He is talking to another girl. He even goes to this girl’s apartment alone. He’s told this other girl he has feelings for her, and sends her inappropriate texts and pictures.
  • He lies to Kelsea repeatedly.
  • He brings a lot of terrible drama to her life. She finds herself sitting in the counselor’s office at school, crying her eyes out.

It’s all so sad! Kelsea’s boyfriend is toxic and he’s sucking the life right out of her, causing her to be miserable, and confused. So, even though Kelsea is beginning to recognize the cruel things he has done to her, she feels he still loves her. Why would she believe that? No one else does. Everybody else knows he’s a loser but she keeps telling herself lies about him. She fears if she ever faces the truth, she would have to leave him and to her that would be the ultimate heartbreak. She would rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all.

Would you rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all? @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

It Takes Courage to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes when people are single, they feel like they’ve failed. But really, they are just without a boyfriend or girlfriend at the time. It’s not forever. They tie their self-worth to if they have a relationship with someone. Their whole self-esteem cries out, “Better to be in a toxic relationship than be single.” That, of course, is a lie.

It takes far more courage to leave a toxic relationship and be single and healthy than to stay in the toxic relationship. There will always be people to date but the question is, who is this person? Am I growing when I’m with them? Am I just going to plow into another relationship unprotected and clamoring to meet needs the other person can’t meet?

It takes courage to leave a toxic #relationship and be single and healthy than to stay. @dawsonradio Click To Tweet

Mixed Signals and Obsession

Jess and his girlfriend have drama and chaos in their relationship. They are sleeping together causing confusion and hurt. They find themselves going back to the destructive part of their relationship.

His girlfriend’s hurting him by acting like she loves him again and then breaks it off. This is not healthy. There’s too much confusion with her mixed signals and his obsession to be with her. Their relationship is toxic.

If you don’t break off a toxic relationship, you are feeding it, making matters worse.  Toxic relationships never die on their own. Someone has to put an end to the whole thing and that’s never easy. But in the future, you’ll be able to look back and say why did it take so long for me to end it?

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

The Bible commands we are to guard our hearts but few people really do. Most don’t stop to ask the hard questions or show a willingness to even consider who the other person is, or whether or not they bring toxicity with them. People will always pay a price when they jump into a relationship without first committing to guard their heart.

The Bible in Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God says for us to guard our hearts above all things. That means YOU need to guard your own heart, no one else will do it for you.

If you are in a toxic relationship, it’s not too late for you to start to guard your heart. It’s time to break off ties with someone who is only bringing you pain and heartache. Then ask God to heal your brokenness and commit to guarding your heart. Ask God for wisdom to do all of this. as Jesus said, “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. - Proverbs 4:23 Click To Tweet

Resources for Identifying a Toxic Relationship:

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If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on questions you need to ask yourself before you start dating someone. Questions which could save you from a lot of pain and heartache. In this episode, I talk with Dustin about his unrealistic expectations with dating. Then I talk with Blake, who jumped into dating and a physical relationship way too quickly. Lastly, Jessica and I have a conversation about her dating over 150 guys in one year and how she’s needs to ask herself, “Have I become obsessive and out of control in my search to find the right one?”

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

 

What People Are Saying About Dawson McAllister & TheHopeLine®

What is TheHopeLine? Who is Dawson McAllister?  We are best defined by the people who we have helped.  Here are their stories..with their heartbreak, and their victories expressed. These are some of the amazing thank you’s we’ve received from people who have come to us in their time of need.  We are honored and blessed to have been a small part of their lives…giving love, encouragement, advice, guidance, and hope when all else seemed lost.

People Are Saying…

Fighting With My Sister…

“Seven years ago my older sister and I got into a big fight. I didn’t talk to her for a long time. Then about 5 months ago, I was listening to Dawson’s talk show and he helped me. Dawson was talking to someone else about the same situation that my older sister and I had. Well, that helped me because Dawson said to forgive and move forward. And so my sister and I made up. So thank you so much Dawson.” – Sierra

Suicidal…

“My life was saved tonight, thanks to a HopeCoach who selflessly listened to me and helped me find the strength within myself to keep going. I was ready to end my life, had last all hope in any redemption. Without this service I would be gone. Thank you for saving my life, for supporting me when I had nobody else to turn to and for showing me that there is hope for me. This is an amazing service that has the power to move mountains. Thank you.” – Jenna

Feeling alone…

“I was feeling totally and utterly alone tonight, so alone that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I had an online chat with Kelsey and honestly she couldn’t of helped me more! I got that attached, I didn’t want to stop talking!! haha Sometimes, you feel like all life is doom and gloom but you’ve just got to find out what you’re good at and show people what you can do, and do something you love! I’m super happy now and although actions still need to be took to get me back on track, after speaking the Kelsey at TheHopeLine, I already feel one step closer to happiness!” – Emily

I’m 39 now, I will never forget…

“Hello! Yes, it has been a long time since hearing Dawson McAllister but he was placed on my heart. I would tune in when I was in high school. I struggled with bulimia, cutting and lived in an abusive environment. There is hope!! I am free from bulimia and cutting. I have forgiven those who have abused me…and one of them I dearly love! There is hope!!” – Katey

Parent’s Divorce…

“My parents divorced in 2008 and it impacted me a lot. I was really attached to my dad and not having him around has really affected me. I was listening to the radio on a Sunday night and I happened upon Dawson McAllister. I thought it was wonderful and decided that I would try it [TheHopeLine], so I did, and I feel wonderful! Thank you Hope Line!!!!” – Isabell

Dawson, thank you…

“Hi, I’m Hannah. I was about 10 when I turned my local radio station on for the night and I heard the show. I heard it once, but I didn’t turn it on again until I was about 13. That was a horrible time in my life, and it honestly only got worse, but with listening to your show and listening to what other people were going through and the advice that was given to other people, you helped me to feel a lot better about myself and who I was becoming. I felt like a bad person before. I still do sometimes, but now I listen to the show every Sunday night and it is a great start to my week. So, thank you.” – Hannah

Child Abuse…

“When I was 3 years old, my parents divorced. Now that I’m getting older I have to pick sides. When I was 12, I chose to live with my mom because my dad threatened me. Now I am 13 and being abused in a way my parents don’t see. They think everything is okay. In the way I see it, it’s hard and it’s a struggle. I have tried to commit suicide once and now a year after, I have decided to get help. I got on here and talked to one of the HopeCoaches. I chatted with Bay, she talked me through everything. She listened to me and even suggested that I call the Childhelp. These people really helped me and is helping me to change my life. Thank you!” – Tia

While I Was in Prison…

“Dawson, I just wanted to tell you that I listened to your radio program while I was in prison. I was 20 years old when I committed my crime. When I listened to the young people’s stories, I heard so much of my own problems that lead me to prison. Your advice was good and I was glad to know you are a believer. I served 19 years in prison. I used that time to get an education and take classes that helped me better my thinking and behavior. Most of all, God got a hold of me and transformed my life. Keep doing what you do, Dawson. Had I heard your program sooner, it might have kept me from making the bad choices I did. I’m 40 years old and starting my life over, its not easy, but I have a whole different attitude and perspective now. Praise God! May you be blessed.” – Sherry Ann

Diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety…

“I was going through a lot. I was going through getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was very rough, I wanted to die. I felt like I had no one that cared about me at all. Then I realized there was people out there who cared and might have no clue who you are. The people on TheHopeLine were people who did not even know about me but they still cared about me and how I felt. Now, I know that if I need someone they are always here for me and I get a different person every time but they still try to understand what is going on.” – Cassady

Related Posts:
Video: Musician Chris Mora’s Struggle With Depression
Mental Illness is not Mental Weakness
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

Helpful and Encouraging…

“I have used TheHopeLine chat. The people I talked to were helpful and encouraged me. God loves me and you too!” – Kimberly

Battling with Depression…

“I was getting really low, and I was starting to think about suicide more and more every day and then I started listening to Dawson. I heard how there were so many other people like me out there and the words of advice that Dawson shared with them, it felt like he was sharing with me. I took what he said to those people to heart and I got some help. My life has gotten so much better! I have a girlfriend now and i have an awesome relationship with my parents. Thanks Dawson for the second Chance at Life! you truly are the grace of God!” – Damion

Hopelessness…

“I am older and perhaps not the intended user for the TheHopeLine. But I brought my sorrows here several times and I was startled by the quick response, patience of the coaches, and generosity of spirit. I would like to encourage all young people, whatever issues that challenge you to reach out to your fellow spiritual beings that share this world with you. You will see, most of all, that you are not alone. And from my age perspective, you can survive almost anything with a brighter future to be yours.” – Tony

I Felt Like I Wanted to Cheat…

“I started my relationship with a girl and it’s not a bad relationship. All of a sudden, I started getting an urge to start kissing random female’s on the street, but then I found TheHopeLine and started chatting with someone. Now, I am back to normal and loving my girl like no tomorrow. We are now happily married and we have decided to explore the world together as a pair while coming back to our small apartment in the UK every once in a while.” – John

Frustrating Relationship…

“I was very frustrated with my relationship. HopeCoaches helped me to calm down and attack the problem instead of each other. After a long conversation, I felt great and was ready to make it work with my girlfriend. I just want to say thanks!” – Cedrick

Depression…

“For the past couple weeks, I was depressed and I did not talk to anyone about it.  Then I decided to talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine and they were very helpful. When they helped me out I could feel the depression and anger leaving me and now I feel better than I did before.” – Austin

Bullied…

“I signed up for this thinking it was just going to be a website where you get told advice that you have been given before. But I was wrong. They offered me sites to go on and advice that helps. Now I am more happy and can deal with things a lot better!” – Zack

I Felt Like Ending It…

“I felt very low.  Just to say a big thank you to Dawson McAllister on the telephone today as I am in a bad way and he understood and gave me some good resources and guidance that should hopefully help me in the future. Bless TheHopeLine! Hope is Here.” – Unknown

If you have a story to share about how you were helped by Dawson McAllister or TheHopeLine, submit your story here!  

Jasman’s Story: Self-Harm

Jasman’s Story:

When I was about 7 years old my parents got divorced, but as far back as I can remember they were always fighting and arguing. I started to self-harm when I was 12.  I thought that there was no one out there who cared, knew what I was going through, even knew I was alive.

I was going through a hard break up, and instead of cutting like I normally would I decided to take a notebook and write in it. Now instead of cutting, I grab my notebook, and I write in it. One day I realized:

  • I have friends who care about me.
  • My mom and dad care about me.
  • My grandparent’s care about me.

I had a blade in my pocket one day, and a friend of mine emailed the school counselor, I got kind of upset at her, but then later that day, when I was home, I realized, that if she would not have emailed the school counselor, I would of cut myself really badly.

People out there care about you, even though you may not realize it.

I wrote this in one of my notebooks today, “Blades help me release the monster on the inside, they can cut deep, or they can just skim the skin, they have always been there through all the rough times, but what I didn’t realize is that so were my friends. I have friends that have always been there. They didn’t have to make a single scar on my body, like a blade, they helped let the monster out through my words, not my cuts. Cuts make scars, then people ask ‘How did you get those?’ then you have to make up some lie, so you do not get in trouble.”

People out there care, even though you may not think they do. #TheHopeLineCares Click To Tweet Blades help release the monster from within, friends help release the monster thru words, not cuts. Click To Tweet

From,

Jasman

Related Posts:
A Door of Hope
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Leah’s Story: My Parents Got Divorced

My Parents Got DivorcedMy Parents Got Divorced

When I was 10 years old, my parents got divorced. They were always arguing and fighting. My dad was cheating on my mom, with a woman named Lisa. He would always come home so late, and sometimes he didn’t come home at all. I was very depressed and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I had nobody to talk to about it. I would cry myself to sleep.

One day, I wrapped my my hands around my throat and squeezed as hard as I could. I couldn’t do it because I thought about my family.

One day, I came across TheHopeLine® and it helped me through all of this. I was meant to find and join this site. It saved my life and I realized this…it wasn’t my fault at all. I wasn’t alone.

If you are feeling alone and are dealing with divorce, check out our eBook: Understanding Divorce.

Dealing with Divorce, 4 Tips for Healthy Healing

by Dawson McAllister

Are You Dealing With Divorce Right Now?

If you are dealing with divorce, whether it is your parents’ divorce, or your own divorce, it is one of the most tragic events you can experience. Unfortunately, it’s become such a common occurrence, it’s easy to think you’re supposed to act like it’s no big deal, even though you feel like you’re dying inside. Whatever you’re feeling, no matter how terrible, you’re not alone. In this blog, let’s talk about ways to deal with divorce in a healthy way.

Dealing with Divorce in a Healing Way

    1. Being Honest About Your Hurt and Pain

Some experts believe the trauma of divorce is more difficult than even the death of a loved one. With the death of a parent, the loss is complete. There’s a certain finality to it. But with divorce, the loss seems to have no ending (you may hope your parents will get back together again), and the pain is ongoing.

Going through divorce is like getting your heart torn in pieces.-Rayette

One of the worst things you can do is ignore your true feelings and tell yourselves lies to seemingly help take away the pain. Suppressed or unexpressed feelings can lead to anger, depression, and even addiction. You are responsible for dealing with your pain and getting healing, which means don’t ignore your feelings.

Leigh wrote about how keeping her feelings bottled up created more problems than it solved. “I thought I was protecting myself, but I started getting really angry and I was taking it out on the people around me. I was also so focused on myself that I didn’t even stop to think that there were other people who were hurting. So my advice would be to write it out and talk it out. When I told my friend what was going on, I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders.”

Dealing with the truth about divorce may bring you face to face with awful emotional pain. But the hurt, if handled in the right way, will lead to freedom and healing.

    1. Refusing to Blame Others and Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing

Just like denial is a trap, you can also fall into the trap of blameholding others so responsible for your pain that you refuse to be accountable for your own actions. When you blame others, you feel justified in acting out your own anger and destructive behavior. No one really takes responsibility for their healing until they develop a plan, such as deciding what kind of person you want to be, how you plan to deal with your parents, and how you would like to grow from this experience.

When you share memories and talk through feelings, you can find the power to begin again. Click To Tweet

Courtney said she could blame her parents for getting a divorce, but instead she’s choosing to catch a bigger vision for how good her life can be: I want to believe in ‘true love,’ but have a hard time seeing it because it has never been in a home around me. But when I get married, if I do, divorce is not an option. I cannot and will not raise a child the way I was.

There’s no question that you, like Courtney, are the victim of your parents’ divorce. But remember, you are still responsible for dealing with your pain and healing.

    1. Grieving Over the Deep Loss In Your Life

When your parents divorce, a part of you is ripped away. Something that was so important to you is now gone. And you feel like your life will never be the same again. Divorce shatters the sense of security you had when there was both a father and a mother who loved each other and who would love and provide for you. This is truly heartbreaking. Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone.

There’s nothing weak about grieving. When you express tears of sorrow, share memories, and talk through your feelings, you can start to see hope again. Talking about your pain is something you must do. You cannot grieve your losses alone. You must find someone you can trust, such as a pastor, counselor, therapist, friend, or an adult friend. Remember TheHopeLine® is open 24/7 for private one-on-one chat.

Avangeline said, “The most important thing is to find one person, that no matter where you go, you can always talk to. Having at least one person to vent to is critical in how you get through hard times.”

My parents got divorced when I was two. I’m thirteen now and I have to go through their horrible parenting. But as long as you have someone on your side to talk to, then you’ll find out that it’s not your fault and you’ll grow out of your pain.-Meagan

    1. Taking Comfort and Hope from God

God wants to use the people in your life to bring you comfort in your times of sorrow. You might even consider writing a letter to God, expressing your sadness. God knows your heartache and wants to help you.

But whatever you do, don't give up! Click To Tweet

Wherever you are in the healing process, God wants to comfort you and God will help you through it. And He wants to use you to help others who are also struggling with the pain of divorce and its consequences. God doesn’t want you to continually see yourself as a victim. Instead, He wants to help you so that by His power you can overcome this difficult experience. Instead of getting bitter, He will help you get better.

But whatever you do, don’t give up. There is hope for you. Millions of people have gone through what you are experiencing and have overcome their hurt. You can too!

Don’t let your parents’ divorce control your life and whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP! Do not run. You can’t run from your problems, they will follow you for the rest of your life. -Amanda

Related Posts:
How To Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
Problems With Your Step-Mom

TheHopeLine® has created this free eBook with even more information, radio calls, advice, and support for you or to share with a friend.

35 Emotions You Might Feel After Your Parents Divorce

by Dawson McAllister

Are You Feeling Overwhelmed?

It’s so hard to be honest with ourselves and others about the effects we feel when our parents break-up. That is because our parent’s divorce is devastating. We naturally put up walls, which are filled with denial, silence, and a certain distance between us and others. Yet, these techniques, in the end, fail us every time. That is why I want to try and help you talk about and deal with the emotional effects of your parent’s break-up.

We naturally put up walls, which are filled with denial, silence, and a certain distance between us and others.

The fact of the matter is that you are an innocent bystander, experiencing a tragedy to those closest to you. You cannot experience this without it having a profound impact on your life. Judith Wallerstein, an expert on the effects of divorce on children said, “Divorce is not just an episode in a child’s life. It’s like a natural disaster that really changes the whole trajectory of a child’s life.”
feeling after parents divorce
Ari put it in his own brutally, honest words: “My parents have been divorced since I was five years old; it still affects me today. Through their madness and horrible parenting I somehow managed to survive. It’s hard, but it is something that we all, as victims of parental divorce, have to do!”

Like Ari, you no doubt have experienced a lot of different crushing emotions as you attempt to cope with the radical changes divorce has brought to your life. For example, Denisse spoke about her rage: “I didn’t want anyone to talk to me about what was going on and I just wanted to be left alone in my pain. I got really angry at my mom for leaving me.”

Related Posts:
How To Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
Problems With Your Step-Mom

Whatever you are feeling, no matter how horrific, is normal!

Whatever you are feeling, no matter how horrific, is really normal. It may not be healthy, but it is normal. Yet it is so hard to talk about those feelings. Even to begin to explain how you feel can be paralyzing. Nonetheless, until you embrace your pain, putting it into words, the pain will continue to haunt you and control you. It is absolutely critical to try to describe to ourselves and others just how devastated we feel.

35 Emotions You Might Feel After Your Parents Divorce

See if this list will help you put words on some of the things you are feeling. Journaling is a great way to begin putting a name on the pain you are experiencing. Use the following list of emotions to begin writing about how you feel.

As a result of your parent’s divorce you might feel…

  • Shocked
  • Numb – sometimes there is an absence of any emotion
  • Terrified
  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Ashamed of yourself because you think you did something wrong.
  • Guilty – like somehow it’s your fault your parents split up.
  • Angry with yourself because you didn’t do things differently.
  • Angry either toward your parents, or just angry in general.
  • Sad – “I can’t believe it’s come to this.”
  • Grieving the loss of being a “normal” family
  • Abandoned by the parent who moved out of the home.
  • Afraid of losing your other parent if one parent already left.
  • Embarrassed – not wanting anyone to know things are going to be different in your family.
  • Disappointed –
  • Depressed – like things will never get better
  • Suicidal
  • Worried about what is going to happen to you and who will take care of you.
  • Helpless or Powerless
  • Unloved
  • Pushed-aside
  • Rejected
  • Protective of one or both parents.
  • Responsible for your brothers or sisters.
  • Distrustful
  • Lonely – you don’t have anyone to talk to, BUT remember HopeCoaches are available on chat 24/7
  • Hopeless
  • Withdrawn
  • Worthless
  • Distracted
  • Exhausted
  • Unable to sleep
  • It’s difficult to trust God
  • Longing – longing for closure or longing for the way things used to be
  • Relief – if your parents fought a lot or one parent was dangerous

dealing with emotions of divorce
This list might be pretty overwhelming to you. You may even have become aware of feelings you never knew you had. But don’t give up. You can, and with God’s help, face these emotions and go on, not just as a survivor of your parent’s divorce, but as an overcomer. After journaling it is important to talk to someone safe about how you are are feeling. HopeCoaches are available on chat 24/7 to talk about the many emotions you may be feeling right now. You can also comment below about how your parents’ divorce is affecting you today. TheHopeLine® also partners with I Am A Child of Divorce for ongoing online support groups and even more resources. TheHopeLine® has also created an eBook with more help.

How to Find a Meaningful Relationship

by Dawson McAllister

We all want it. A deep meaningful relationship.

find a meaningful relationship
The problem is the prized treasure of a meaningful relationship is something that takes a lot of time and hard work on the part of both people in the relationship. And in our society of instant gratification, working patiently for something isn’t the norm. We think we can have whatever we want, when we want it. But in relationships a meaningful bond with someone simply cannot happen overnight.

You can become infatuated with someone overnight. You can have your lusting desires filled instantly. But you can’t build a deep, long-lasting relationship without investing a considerable amount of time into another person.

Here’s why…

It takes patience, commitment and a rock-solid foundation that begins as a tried and tested friendship in order to get to a place of trust, respect, and mutual love with another person. It takes putting the other person first, and letting go of your own selfish desires. This is why I encourage you to take the time to really get to know someone before you begin dating them. I promise you that discovering a meaningful relationship built on mutual respect and selfless love is worth the wait.
find a meaningful relationship
Many people don’t have the patience to let a relationship develop. They want to rush into things, because being in a close relationship can feel like the ultimate high. Many times people imagine a relationship to be better than it really is, just so they can feel in love,a sort of cloudy, fuzzy, state of giddiness that makes everything else in life seem small and boring in comparison.

Related Posts:
How To Know It’s Really Love
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

Yet there is a danger of rushing in and adding sex to an undeveloped, uncommitted relationship. When sex is added too quickly, the natural progress of the relationship is thrown all out of whack. Sex is an act of completely giving yourself to another person and to be that vulnerable with someone before you really know them leads to anxiety and questions such as, Is this relationship only based on sex or does he/she really love me?This can cause a cloud to hang over them, one that can often ruin their relationship.

Let love, rather than selfishness, be your guide. Click To Tweet

How are you going to find a meaningful relationship? Just remember, real love involves a growing relationship, and any amount of growth takes time and attention. Not every relationship is worth the time. And if you take things slow you will discover this before you are in too deep.

My prayer is that you will find that relationship. Protect it for all its worth because it is worth it. Nurture the relationship, take care of it, and do things that will let you get to know each other. Let God be your foundation, and let love, rather than selfishness, be your guide.

For more information on how to understand why you are making the dating choices you are and how to make better ones, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.

Surviving the Holidays with Separated Parents

by Dawson McAllister

Holidays can be the best of times or the worst of times.

And holidays with separated parents can be especially difficult.

Tyler said, The most difficult part of any holiday for me is being rushed between my parents’ houses. I feel bad about leaving one parent for the other.

How many of you have had to eat two turkey dinners in one day? Or have you heard one parent complain about the amount of time you spent at the other parent’s home? Here are just a few of the issues that are unique to those of you who are spending your holidays with separated parents:

  • Parents picking up where separated parents fightingthey left off criticizing the other and trying to recruit you to their side.
  • Parents spending money they don’t have, trying either to work off their guilt or to buy your affection.
  • One parent getting offended because you spent one-half day longer with the other parent.
  • Opposing families arguing about where you will go and when.
  • Your Christmas plans being dictated by some legal document.
  • Anger about what the separation has done to your holidays.
  • Never having a choice in what happens or where you have to go.

Just when you think things can’t get any more complicated, separated parents remarry and then you have to deal with all the “steps” – stepmother, stepfather, stepbrothers, stepsisters, and even step-relatives.I read about one couple in their second year of marriage. Negotiating their holiday plans with their separated and remarried parents became so stressful that they had to see a therapist to cope with the pressure.

Anna wrote: The most difficult Girl looking for answerspart of Christmas is spending it without my father and his family. I don’t know any of my mother’s family, so gatherings are extremely awkward. Holidays are just all around lonely and depressing for me; I just don’t find happiness in them anymore.

Even though the holidays can be really tough, I want to give you some ideas and ways to make this year’s holiday better. You may not get to decide where you spend the holidays, but you can have a positive impact in other ways. You can survive this!

Related Posts:
How To Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
Problems With Your Step-Mom

Here are 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Separated Parents:

Stephanie wrote: Probably the most difficult part of Christmas for me is seeing how much things or life in general have changed from one year to the next and how things can never be as they once were

    1. Get ahead of the competition. Make your Christmas list and encourage parents to go in together. In other words, try to reduce the competition between them. It may sound good at first having parents competing to buy your loyalty or to make up for what the separation had done to your life. But the extra stress between separate parents is not worth the extra stuff.
5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Separated Parents. #divorcedparents #holidays Click To Tweet
  1. Set some boundaries. The rules and boundaries for those of you with separated parents can get really crazy, especially when it comes to the holidays. A boundary is like a limit or a protective fence around yourself. An emotional boundary protects you from the negativity of warring parents. For instance, you can say, “I am not going to listen to, or participate in conversations that run down the other parent.”You can also physically create a boundary by walking out of the room when negative talk erupts.
  2. Change your focus. Instead of dwelling on how terrible the holidays are with separated parents, several listeners commented that the most difficult part of the holidays for them is being aware of people who have far less. Even when family members can’t find anything to agree on, they can always find someone they can all feel good about helping. If you dread the Christmas holidays because they are so materialistic or because they highlights aspects of your family that anger or depress you, try this: Start a new Teen girl with mother on Christmastradition by getting as many in your family as possible involved in doing something for someone less fortunate. There are lots of ways to do this – serve a meal at a homeless shelter, bake cookies for an elderly neighbor, write letters to our military soldiers who won’t be home for the holidays, and more. Even if your family doesn’t want to do it with you, just your own service to someone in need will change your whole perspective.
  3. Take care of your health. Because the holidays can be so emotionally stressful, you need to be mindful of your own health. Depression can set in when everything around you is in chaos and out of your control. Download TheHopeLine eBook on depression so you can be informed and have practical ways to cope. Exercise is great for increasing endorphins – the feel-good chemicals in our brains. Sometimes just going for a walk can lift your spirit and clear your head.
  4. Spend time with friends.
    holiday with parents separatedEven though you are obligated – or court ordered – to spend the holidays with your separated parents, make some time to see your friends as well. Even if it is just a phone call, a friend can make you laugh or give words of encouragement. And if a friend is not available remember our HopeCoaches are available 24/7 to chat online with you. Sometimes just venting to someone about the stress you are feeling can really release a lot of the anxiety.
Venting about the stress you're feeling can release a lot of anxiety. #divorcedparents #holidays Click To Tweet

Just know that I am thinking about you during the holiday season. TheHopeLine and I are here for you. We know you can make this holiday the best one yet!
TheHopeLine® has created this free eBook with information, radio calls, advice, and support for you.

Dawson’s Tips for Dealing With Birth Fathers

by Dawson McAllister

Being a single mom is one of the most demanding and difficult responsibilities anyone could ever face.

Tips for Dealing With Birth Fathers

No one can fully understand the pressures and challenges that each single mom faces. In my last blog I spoke of the challenges a single mom faces when it comes to dating with all its emotionally charged potential and pitfalls. But an even greater challenge can be the relationship single moms have with the birth fathers. How involved should the birth father be? When should the father of your kids be in their lives at all? I have some important tips for dealing with birth fathers.

There are so many stories of the birth fathers who make promises to come around, be involved, and support, but then never do.

Lari wrote: It was really important for me to set boundaries with my ex. To have specific times when he could be with the kids,
and if he didn’t show up, or was late, I made sure I spent extra time with the kids myself. It got frustrating, but it made me and the kids closer.

Some single moms struggle with birth fathers who won’t pay child support. What should a single mom do? Sure, there are some legal actions you can take, but many times, there is nothing you can do to get your ex to do what he’s supposed to do, or to be where he’s supposed to be. Realize that no matter what you do, you can’t force your child’s father to be involved. But you CAN play a part in not allowing your children’s view of their dad to become negative. Don’t complain to your kids about something your ex does wrong. But also, don’t let your ex have any kind of negative influence on your kids. You might think you have to keep him around so you can keep getting his child support. While his court ordered child support is required, you have to keep your kids safe and healthy at all costs. In some cases, it’s better the father never come around at all, rather than break hearts with broken promises.

Your number one goal is to protect your child’s heart.

Sharon wrote that many times, children are left wondering how their dad could possibly not want to be a part of their life? These are the issues the single mom has to help them cope with…why doesn’t Daddy come see me? Why won’t Daddy come to my school play? Why doesn’t Daddy love me? To see the heartache in your child’s eyes…to struggle to find the answer that will cause them the least amount of pain…that burden, too, falls upon her shoulders.There may come a time when you need to accept that fact that you child’s father is not going to be there for them. Don’t waste your time pining over something that is not going happen. Your number one goal is to protect your child’s heart. No one can break the heart of a child more than his or her father or mother. Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: What is best for the kids?

Here are a few more helpful reminders:

  • Although having a birth father involved is important, it’s not everything. Single loving mothers have raised amazing children.
  • Forcing a reluctant father to talk on the phone or spend time with your child may be more harmful, especially if your child experiences rejection during the encounter with dad.
  • Similarly, if you try to force a relationship with a father who doesn’t want one, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.
  • Don’t talk negatively about your child’s father, but you don’t have to glorify him, either.
  • Leave the door open for responsible contact between the father and your child. You never know when he may become the responsible loving father they need.

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: What is best for the kids? Answering this the best you can will always be the right place to start when you feel confused and overwhelmed by your emotions and circumstances. It’s also very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. In my next blog, I’m going to give you some practical tips on how to do that. Please send me a comment with ways you have found to take care of yourself so you are rested, recharged, and more capable of being the best mom you can be.

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10 Tips To End Loneliness
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If you are a single mom after a divorce, check out our eBook: Understanding Divorce, for insights and advice with divorce recovery and forgiveness.

Divorce

I was going through the typical divorce of parents… and yes it is common and normal but what is not normal is the pain and hurt you go through. No one prepares you for the pain you’re gonna go through in life until it actually hits you. One day I had just been done. Tired with the confusion and trying to reason with why I had to got through this. I then stumbled upon TheHopeLine® on google and the Lord blessed me with Donald to speak to and it was a miracle to have him help me find solutions on ways to cope with this. After we conversed we had time to reflect on how the Lord puts things in our life and even though it may be something super hard, the Lord will never abandon us…how can we be so sure??? He tells us in the Bible! Donald and I were able to pray together and TheHopeLine® and him were truly a blessing! Thank you so much Donald and TheHopeLine®!

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How To Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression
Problems With Your Step-Mom

TheHopeLine® has created this free eBook with information, radio calls, advice, and support for you.

HopeCoach

A HopeCoach At 3:45am

I don’t know that I ever caught their name on the live chat but it was 3:45 in the morning and my husband had told me that he was leaving.hopecoach helped me I felt awful, at my very end. None of my friends were awake. But I found this online and my HopeCoach was very helpful. I needed someone to listen and they were there. They also provided me with a few resources I intend to follow up on in the morning. I’m grateful for their help.

Thank you, HopeCoach, for being there for me!

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If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For insight on how to get over a broken heart, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Problems With My Step-Mom

Tatyana Was Having Problems With Her Step-Mom

Hi, my name is Tatyana. I chatted with a HopeCoach recently about how my parents separated before I was born and how I’ve had problems with my step-mom. She verbally abuses me and says things about my birth mom and lies to me about stuff. My HopeCoach helped me a lot, gave me a lot of advice and internet sources. We prayed and I feel a lot better because I talked to her.
Thank You!
-Tatyana

Related Posts:
How To Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression

If your parents are divorced you may have some difficult relationships in your life, like Tatyana had with her step-mom. You can download your free eBook for more information on dealing with divorce.

Dealing with Divorce

by Dawson McAllister

Are You Dealing With Divorce?

For a long time I have wanted to blog about what to do when your family is broken up by divorce. dealing divorceI have taken literally thousands of calls from teenagers and young adults whose whole lives have been rearranged by their parent’s divorce. Getting over your parent’s divorce is never easy, in fact, it will no doubt change the whole direction of your life. Everybody knows somebody from a broken home. They are everywhere. Maybe you too have suffered the pain of a family break-up. If so, this topic is for you. May it help you navigate through the rough waters of confusion, disappointment, anger, and pain.

Whether your parents are separated, are going through, or are already divorced, it’s very normal to experience many different feelings and to have a lot of questions. It’s also very normal for you to feel like you’re the only one who has ever had this happened to. But I can assure you, you are not alone.

More than anything, divorce seems to bring up a huge load of questions. Why did this happen? Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this from happening? Will they ever get back together? Will things ever be normal again? Did my parents ever really love each other?

Amelie wrote, I mostly feel sad about my parents divorce. But I also feel angry and confused. There are a lot of feelings. I don’t know what to do with them.

You might even wonder if your parents would still be together if you would’ve done better in school, or not got into so much trouble, or helped more around the house. I have known many teenagers and young adults who have all but destroyed their lives blaming themselves for the actions of their parents. The personal blame game is perhaps the most devastating affect your parent’s divorce will have on you.

Here’s the truth: No matter what that little voice inside of you that is constantly blaming you says, the divorce is about your parents and the problems they have with each other  it’s not about you. It was not your fault. Your parents are adults and are responsible for the commitments they made toward each other, long before you were born.

Why Did Your Parents Get Divorced?
I could make a list a mile long of different reasons why people get divorced. The truth is, if someone doesn’t want to be married any longer, there’s always going to be some reason. For example

We can no longer live together.
We can’t work through our issues.
We don’t talk to each other anymore.
I can’t live with your anger, you scare me.
I can’t take your verbal abuse any longer.
I am being physically abused.
I don’t feel like I love you anymore.
I found somebody else.
I’m bored in this relationship.
You have a serious problem with drinking/gambling.
You won’t quit looking at porn.
You can’t handle money.
I can’t stand your relatives.
You won’t look for a job.

I could go on and on, and I’m sure you could add some that you’ve seen in your, or other people’s, homes. Experts on marriage say the most common reasons given for divorce are actually preventable. The top reasons given by ex-husbands and ex-wives were: lack of commitment, too much conflict and arguing, and infidelityreasons that can be addressed by counseling with a marriage therapist. Tragically, we live in a world where 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It’s as if people find it easier to end a marriage, than to work through the problems they may be experiencing.

Still, I don’t believe anyone marries to get divorced. They don’t say, Well, I’d like to go through the awful experience of getting divorced so I think I’ll get married.Everyone thinks they have found the right one when they marry.

Adam said, I don’t understand all the reasons my parents got divorced. Sometimes I wish I knew more of the reasons, so I can prevent it from happening to me.

Personally, I wish divorce didn’t exist. I’ve seen too many lives broken by the affects of divorce, especially the lives of children who had no choice in the matter, but who were the most affected by it. People like Heather said, “Under all my anger is a deep sadness the came from my parents divorce.” I want you to know that I feel your pain. And want to help. My goal of the upcoming blogs is to help you not be a victim, or even a survivor, of your parents’ divorce, but an overcomer. It is possible.

Just remember: Your Parents’ Divorce Is Not Your Fault! Never has been, and never will be.

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TheHopeLine® has created this free eBook with information, radio calls, advice, and support for you.