TheHopeLine

Love Addiction

Owning Love Addiction

by Dawson McAllister

Do I own my love addiction?

Click here for the definition of love addiction. Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.

Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.

addiction own it

Some of the signs of love addiction are:

  • finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

Mariah said, “I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don’t care. I am terrified of being alone.” She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).

So what can we do to break this love addiction that’s not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.

To break love addiction we must own it.
What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.

To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there’s no denial, cover up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.

Amy said, “I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that’s when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions.” When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.

3 Things that are not easy to admit when you have love addiction.

  1. No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty. 
    None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.
  2. No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
    Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.
  3. No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
    Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs.It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren’t true and will never happen.

I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.

Guard Your Heart Dating Relationships

by Dawson McAllister

guard-your-heart-boyfriend-girlfriend

Have you been told, “Always guard your heart”?

Be sure to guard your heart can be good advice. But I find it a little vague. It begs the question, “what precisely am I guarding my heart from? And how would I go about protecting it?” I would like to spend some time looking into these questions further because if we can figure out how to protect our hearts, I believe we can avoid a lot of pain and problems.

So first…What do you need to guard your heart from? I believe the main thing that we are protecting our hearts from is believing lies from the world…lies about:

  • our value
  • what brings happiness
  • how to spend our time
  • what is good
  • what is beautiful
  • what’s most important
  • who’s most important, etc.

So then how do you guard your heart from all these lies?

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

Well this may sound too simple, but we need to fill our hearts with TRUTH and believe it, so that when a LIE comes our way we are ready to fight it off with the Truth.

In all my years working with teens and young adults I have combatted so many lies that have caused extreme heartache.  I would like to tackle many of these lies in a blog series called Guard your heart.

So let’s start today with the first thing that comes to most people’s mind when they think of protecting their hearts…dating relationships.

Lie #1 – I am valuable only when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend who says they love me.

  • Truth – You are valuable because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves you. Your value does not depend on another person’s opinion of you.
  • Heart Protection – By believing this truth, your heart is protected from feeling worthless when a relationship ends. I recently heard it said, If you live for someone’s praise, you die by their rejection.Know that your boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t define your value. God does.

Lie #2 – I can ignore my boyfriend/girlfriend’s bad behaviors. I will be able to change them.

  • Truth – A disrespectful person will most likely stay disrespectful, an addict will often stay an addict, a cheater will often stay a cheater until THEY decide to change. You can encourage someone to make better choices, support them and pray for them, but don’t think your love alone will change them.
  • Heart Protection –  When you believe this truth, you won’t ignore bad behaviors and naively believe the other person will change. You will protect your heart from getting too deep into a relationship with someone who will hurt you.

Lie #3 – Having sex is no big deal.  Everybody’s doing it.

  • Truth – Sex is a big deal. It is not just a physical act. It is deeply emotional. Rushing into sex because of raging hormones clouds your judgment of the other person and can lead to a relationship built on nothing more than lust. You are strong enough to wait.
  • Heart Protection – If you believe the truth that you are strong enough and worthy enough to wait to have sex until you are married, you will save your heart from feeling empty or perhaps used or cheap when the relationship ends. Read more on my blog A Condom for the Heart 

Start planting these three truths in your heart today and save yourself a lot of heartache!
Next in the series – Two more lies people believe in dating relationships  

For more information on how to understand why you are making the dating choices you are and how to make better ones, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.

Ever Heard of Love Addiction?

by Dawson McAllister

I have talked to nearly 30,000 teenagers and young adults in my career. Talk radio is what I do. I love it and I’m totally committed to those who call me. But I don’t always understand some of the people who call. It’s like we are talking on two different wave lengths and I know I’m not getting through. I realized that some of the most frustrating calls were from people who were addicted to love.

I was struggling to understand why people who were being completely used in a relationship wouldn’t leave their partner. Why did they seem to be totally set against doing what they ought to do to get help or healing? Why did they refuse to get off the road that was leading them to heartbreak and destruction.

I could never understand how a guy could treat a girl so awful. He’ll hit her, make fun of her, cheat on her, get her pregnant and leave, and yet the girl does everything in her power to keep him or get him back.  I used to want to say to these girls, “Why can’t you see it?! Are you blind? If you can’t see he’s using you, then maybe you deserve what you get. “ I know that doesn’t sound very loving, but that’s how I felt.

But one day, I decided to learn as much about being addicted to love as I possibly could. In my research I have learned love addiction can strike either sex and it is every bit as powerful and destructive as drugs, gambling, alcohol, eating disorders, or cutting. Now I understand better about love addiction and can spot it almost every time a love addict calls my show. Now I know why love addicts won’t respond to the simple solution to their problem drop him/her.
The feelings of a love addict are just as false as those of a drug addict. #loveaddiction Click To Tweet

So what is a love addiction?

A love addiction is a lot like other addictions in that a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life with feeling loved. In fact, the feelings of a love addict are just as false as the false feel goods a drug can bring to a drug addict.

If you are a love addict, you think you cannot live without the other person and you will do just about anything to keep the relationship alive.

I think if you’re addicted to love then that means once you’re in a relationship you can’t live without that person and you will do whatever you can to stay in a relationship…(Riah)

Some teens don’t get the love they want from home or friends so they plunge themselves into relationships that will never work out. They crave love so much that it blinds them and makes them so desperate that they’ll try to find it anywhere possible.(Jessica)  Jessica understands that many a love addict comes out of a troubled home where there wasn’t nearly enough love, and she’s right. She also understands just how desperate a love addict can be. Many go from partner to partner terrified of being alone.

Using Riah’s, Jessica’s, and my definition of a love addict, let’s put together one big definition of a love addiction. A love addiction is when a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through a romantic relationship. They plunge themselves into relationships that will never work. Once they’re in a relationship, they feel they can’t live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to stay in the relationship. The love addict craves what they think is the feeling of love so intensely, it blinds them and makes them desperate to find and keep it anyway possible.

Are you a love addict?

Look at some of the qualities of a love addict to try to see if you might be one. Be honest with yourself. One of the main characteristics of a love addict is denial.

A Love Addict:

What’s Next?

If you are a love addict or know somebody who is, I want you to know there is hope. Literally thousands of people have broken away from the bondage of love addiction and learned what real love is. Love is a powerful gift given to us from God. In fact, God is love. But when we mishandle or confuse love for something false, heartbreak comes.

Liz’s comment clearly explains how a love addict feels: I was in this long term relationship with this guy and I convinced myself I couldn’t live without him. I had to talk to him every night or I couldn’t sleep. Now that we have broken up, I realized the only reason it felt like I couldn’t live without him was because I was addicted to love. He treated me like I wasn’t even his friend in public, but I put up with it because I wanted to feel loved. When [he told me he] loved me every night, it made me feel like a completely different person, made me feel untouchable for that split second. Everyone thrives to hear those words. That’s why it is so easy to [become] addicted to love because whether you love that person or not, it feels good to hear it.(Liz)

Why do people become love addicts? Check out my post on LOVE ADDICTION AND ABANDONMENT

Why Lust is Destructive

by Dawson McAllister

2 Reasons Lust Is Destructive

Everyone couple in carcurrently dating needs to ask the question…Am I in love or am I in lust? Whatever you do, don’t mess up on this question or you will walk into a world of hurt.

Lust literally means over-desire. It is when you take something that is good, twist it, and add cravings to it so you are consumed until you are gratified. When we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex, it can be defined this way – when a person’s body is far more important to you than his or her soul.

Love is the foundation our families and society are based on. Lust is just a physical emotion that we act upon when we get caught up in the moment. However, most of us fall in love with someone we find physically attractive. Because of this, hurt and confusion can easily be caused when you or your partner confuse love and lust with each other. Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite that is based on self-gratification and has little to do with true feelings for the other person. As someone once said, “Lust is as different from love as night is from day.”That’s because love is an act of the will, covered with a deeply passionate and tender affection for another person. Lust wants to get, love longs to give.

Lust is as different from love as night is from day. #chooselove Click To Tweet

lust is destructive

This week, I want to blog on the destructiveness of lust because it’s easy to think, “So what’s the problem with lust?” After all, it is all around us, in songs, movies, advertisements, etc. Lust sells because it appeals to the dark side of us that only wants to get.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It’s Really Love
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

Here are two serious problems with relationships built on lust…

  1. It is based on extreme self-indulgence, not caring about the other person. Someone once said, “Hate is the opposite of love.”That is true, but so is self-indulgence. Love can hardly wait to give. Lust can hardly wait to get. Lust turns people into liars, deceivers, and manipulators. Their actions towards others are based on the craving to get. Just as a junkie will do about anything to get his fix, so someone steeped in lust will do about anything to be self-gratified. I received an incredible, insightful comment from Sarah. She said, I dated guy after guy who would only tell me that they loved me when we were being physical. That was when they loved me. The rest of the time I was an object of abuse and rejection. Sarah was wrong in one sense. She said, “They loved me when we were being physical.”She should have said, “They loved themselves when we were being physical and I was the object of their gratification.”Lust is always ugly because it is self-indulgent and self-centeredness is never a pretty thing.
  2. It abandons the other person when it is no longer getting what it wants. I can’t tell you how many times girls have called me on my radio show to announce they were pregnant, their boyfriend is long gone, and they are left all alone. I call it Sex and run.I hate hit and run accidents because the person who is running is showing zero responsibility towards the person he/she hit. Lust that causes sex and run is even worse. As soon as lust no longer gets what it wants and is forced to face responsibility, it runs…leaving heartbreak in its path.bmxdpccqcly-louis-blythe Sex and run is an ugly thing full of selfishness and irresponsibility.   I have been in this situation a couple of times. I went out with a guy for a year and a half which ended up being a waste of time. I thought I loved him but really I just loved being with someone cause I was afraid of being alone. He only wanted me for my body… that was all. I didn’t give it to him so he cheated on me for a long time.(Samantha) It’s amazing to me how quickly people in lust scatter when they figure out their lust will not be gratified. Aimee Rose sent me a really cool comment I had never thought of before. She said something like this, I’ve heard you can never fall out of ‘love’, but you can always fall out of a lust. You’re right on the money Aimee Rose. Lust will die in an instant if it is not being fed. In fact, lust can turn to anger when it is rejected. About 6 months ago I was with this guy and I thought it was love. I mean he said all the right things done all the right things. I really thought I was in love but it turned out that relationship was no were near love. We had a lot of fights and arguments about sex because he was ready and I wasn’t. Well he didn’t get what he wanted so he up and left. For a long time I was dazed and confused but finally I got to thinking that if that was love then he wouldn’t of cared about sleeping with me he would of just gotten pleasure from being around me(Lisa M.) 

Lust attacks not only guys, but females as well.  So always keep your eyes open for it so you can do all you can to protect yourself from this destructive monster. You deserve so much better. You are worth so much more. Remember, lust kills, but love brings life.



Free eBook! Understanding Forgiveness from TheHopeLine®

Am I in Lust?

by Dawson McAllister

Don’t Confuse Love and Lust

I find so many people who call my radio show confused between lust and love. Love is the most abused word in the human language often being used instead of what it really is lust. Lust can cause deep confusion and destruction. So often I will hear a caller say, “I am in love.”When in reality, it is not love at all. Sometimes love vs lustit’s infatuation. Other times it’s nothing more than raw lust. There are times I want to yell into the microphone at my studio and say to the caller, “Don’t call it love because it’s not!”

As you read this blog, I want you to really think with me on what I’m about to say. It may challenge your thinking and feelings, but in the end it could clear up a lot of confusion and save you from a lot of pain.

So what is lust? Lust literally means to over desire. It is when you take something that is good, twist it, and add cravings to it until you are consumed with what you want to have. When we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex, it can be defined this way – “when a person’s body is far more important than their soul.”

I received some awesome definitions of lust from some in my radio audience:

  • Lust is selfishly dwelling on and fantasizing about sexual activities or entertaining sexually arousing thoughts with no thoughts of the other person’s feelings. Love doesn’t lust.(Jonathan)
  • Lust is when you look at someone with passion for their body. And don’t really see who they truly are or who they want to be other than your trophy and toy.(Megan)
  • Love lasts forever, but lust only lasts for awhile.(Deanna)
Love lasts forever, but lust only lasts for awhile. #chooselove Click To Tweet

As I researched this topic of lust, I have found many definitions. I have listed some below.

Lust…

  • Causes the brain to produce the same reaction as if on cocaine or speed. Lust really is like a drug, it leaves you wanting more. (Dr. Jon Marsden – Director of the National Addiction Center)
  • Comes quickly and leaves quickly. 
  • Only wants to get into bed with you. 
  • Is a craving for self gratification, usually sexual. 
  • Focuses only on the outward appearance. 
  • Is impatient.  
  • Is rude and manipulates. 
  • Seeks to get and never give. 
  • Self-centered. 
  • Doesn’t care about others. 
  • Is jealous and insecure. 
  • Seeks revenge and doesn’t forgive. 
  • Covers up and lies about wrongdoings. 
  • Will do whatever it wants to get its way. 
  • Leaves when it’s no longer getting.
Lust seeks to get and never give. Click To Tweet

Girl by fence contemplating lifeEvery person who has ever dated or lived has struggled with lust. If you haven’t yet, you will.  But you can resist entering into a relationship built on lust. With an understanding of what lust is and it’s selfish motivations, you can say no to a lust-driven relationship and  choose love instead. You deserve love.

Have you ever liked someone a lot and found out they only wanted you for your body? Have you ever thought you loved someone but realized it was only lust? Share your thoughts below. I want to hear from you.

Your Friend,
Dawson


Free eBook! Relationships and Cheating from TheHopeLine

Trading Love Addiction For Meaningful Relationships

by Dawson McAllister

Moving forward from Love Addiction

I have been thinking about how devastating it is when a love addict finally admits and owns his/her love addiction. shutterstock_122158012_broken heartIs it any wonder people hang on to their addictions for all they’re worth because, if you finally admit you are a love addict and your relationship is based on faulty thinking and feelings, then where do you go? You give up your boyfriend/girlfriend because the relationship is toxic, harmful, and scarring. Let’s look at how we can trade our love addiction for a healthy, meaningful relationship.

I get that it’s scary to get out of a relationships and be left totally alone with a deafening silence and ache deep within your soul. But you must  not believe the lie that your next relationship will be any different if you don’t first pause and examine yourself and past relationships. You’ve talked yourself in to a love treadmill that leads to exhaustion and takes you nowhere.

Related Posts:

Is there a Cure for Love Addiction

Love Addiction and Abandonment

Walking Away from Love Addiction

So what should you do?

How can you stay sane when you do not have a significant other or someone in your life?

6 Steps to Prepare Yourself for a Meaningful Relationship:

  1. Work on being alone.

    It’s going to be hard, but accept yourself for who you are without a boyfriend/girlfriend to prop you up. Spend time with God. Spend time with other friends whom you are not romantically interested in. It is amazing how free you’ll feel not having that panicked feeling that you have to have someone in your life. You must have an accurate sense of who you are, your own identity. Someone who is too caught up in their own insecurities and short-comings will live with a “me” mentality. A great relationship starts with being comfortable with who God has made you to be and His dream for your life, and then allowing that to overflow into the life of another.(Sarah)

  2. Talk about your bend towards love addiction with friends or a minister or counselor.

    Just talking about these things will help you more clearly understand yourself and realize you are not alone.  Talk to someone who will talk loving, but straight with you. In time, you will learn an incredible truth it’s okay to be alone. You will not die without a boyfriend/girlfriend. Life does go on. There is more to life than an addictive, toxic relationship. Without all the emotional panic and crazed feelings, you can begin to slow down and actually enjoy life for what it is. Is this easy? No. It will take time to learn a whole new way of thinking and acting.

  3. Work on developing new friendships with people from both sexes that do not have any romantic overtones to them.

    I’ve always thought people of the opposite sex need to be together just to hang out as friends. This will not only help fill the need for companionship, but will also help you understand what the opposite sex thinks and feels about the key issues of life. You can learn a lot about the opposite sex through good friends, especially when there isn’t the pressure to have some dramatic, big time love relationship. Let’s face it, if you are a love addict you definitely need a rest from all the drama and intensity of an impossible relationship. You are no doubt tired. Finding new friends will help give you the rest and relief you need to look more clearly at yourself and think about the kind of person you would like to have a romantic relationship with.

  4. Slowly work your way back into a dating relationship.

    The important thing to remember here is to slow down and not force things. A lot of times, a person you will really come to love will come into your life when you weren’t even looking for them. It’s amazing how that works, but I have heard hundreds of people tell me they found the one they love the most when they weren’t looking for them. To find a boyfriend/girlfriend out of panic is a recipe for disaster. So slow down and let life come to you.

    God will fill the hole in our soul, and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time.

    love_addict_2

  5. Develop a meaningful relationship with God.

    No matter what you think about church or organized religion, the fact is you and I are wired to have a meaningful relationship with God. He is the only One who can give us peace and confidence when we feel alone. Because in a real sense, we are not totally alone if we have a relationship with God. God will fill the hole in our soul, and help lead us to the right person to date at the right time. He loves us millions of times more than we can ever love ourselves. We need to turn our whole desire to be loved over to Him. After all, He is the very essence of love. Take time to find and know God. He alone will transform our lives.

  6. Begin to look for healthy qualities in the people you meet.

    You don’t need to date one more troubled, self-indulgent, toxic person. You need to change your whole way of thinking about kind of person you might want to date with. For example, Sarah had thought through the kind of person she would like to date.A good relationship takes an equal amount of commitment from each partner. You have to allow your partner their personal space, allow them to spend time with their friends instead of always wanting to know where they are. There also needs to be equal understanding and support from both partners. You have to appreciate your partner’s positives as well as their negatives. Relationships are mainly about equilibrium and stability between the partners.(Sara)

    I totally agree with what Sarah said. Don’t settle for second best.

I want to end this series of blogs where I began, with the wise words of King Solomon recorded in the Bible. He said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. 

For more information and help with Dating Relationships and Love Addiction, check out our free eBook!