Tonight, I Walked that Thin Line

Have You Walked That Thin Line Between Life And Death?

We grew up away from other people, out in the country. My Mom was as religious as she was irrational, and the two don't mix. She once grounded me for a week for putting the soap on the wrong side of the sink. She used to pit my brother and I against each other. Dad didn't really see the damage, and he may never see it. We grew up so isolated, only interacting at school. I never had people over or went over to peoples houses that weren't my mom's friends, and she was always present. In a small town, you don't have much of a window of opportunity to make close friends, and I missed that deadline. I was always just alone. And I thought it was normal.

In 2008, the depression hit pretty bad. I was never close to anybody, even girlfriends and teammates. My voice was always drowned out, interrupted, and ignored.

I always seemed happy and energetic on the outside, but no one knew what was going on.

Since 2008, I wake up every morning...angry I made it through the night. Suicide is always on my mind. The years of drug abuse and cheap thrills coupled with the depression led to some wildly irrational behavior.

In 2010, I put a single bullet into a revolver, spun the chamber, put it to my temple and pulled the trigger. I never told anyone, I just put the gun back and went to school. It got better after a while, and I did fairly well in school somehow.

Now that I'm almost done with my engineering degree, the stress is building up. The happiness started to fade away as I barely am able to keep up with the homework and tests. After drinking myself into an acute case of pancreatitis (and almost dying), I no longer have friends or people to talk to, since all my friends were drunks. I turned to more drugs.

I almost killed myself tonight. I walked that thin line, and TheHopeLine saved my life. ~Randy

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

TheHopeLine Team

For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.

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