Guest Post by Aimee Wathen
The equation for a healthy relationship and how to tell if you’re in one or ready for one.
Relationships can be are tough. They take work. They take commitment. They can’t give up when it gets hard. They should strive to, not only see the good in the person but also help each other become the best version of themselves.
Anyone who argues that is a prime candidate for this post.
So, what’s the magic equation for a healthy relationship?
I’m not sure there is one, but I can certainly think of some qualities and habits that are essential for beating the odds.
Common Beliefs/Lifestyle
This tops the list for a reason. I don’t care how great your communication or loyalty is with your significant other if you don’t have this, all other aspects that make a relationship good will eventually become a colossal challenge.
How do I know? Because I’ve lived it. And I’ve watched nearly all of my friends live it too.
I would argue that nearly all relationships start with a physical attraction. It’s just the reality of it, so let’s be adults and admit it. The whole “love is blind” cliche quote was likely derived from this stage. At the beginning of every relationship, or heck even a mini-crush (as my girlfriends in college used to refer to them as), you become wrapped up in getting to know the person. The basic stuff. The exciting stuff. The areas that this person chooses to reveal to you. I’m not saying people aren’t open books – I most certainly am from the beginning of a relationship, but even red flags are ignored, or worse; seem endearing – almost as if you’re the only person they’ve ever let in on that deep of a level.
But once the excitement of this new relationship wears off, where do you two stand? Do you agree on the big things? Faith? Family? How you want to live your life? Ask yourself that, and be honest with the answer.
As I’ve gotten older and moved halfway across the country, it’s become increasingly more difficult to detect this critical aspect of a relationship early on. Almost entirely because I don’t know these guys from Adam, unlike when I lived in Nashville and had at least 20 mutual friends with a prospective boyfriend. My advice? Take a few weeks to get to know this person in a group setting. This will help you learn more about the person before you engage in an emotional connection. This can protect you, to some degree, from having your heart override knowledge. One-on-one time forms habits, emotional ties and comfort zones which lead to overlooking the big stuff like – common beliefs and lifestyles. Don’t believe me? Go find a handsome and witty guy, who you have nothing in common with other than attraction, and tell me that charm doesn’t make you feel attached. Kidding. Mostly.
Communication
Of course, communication is key, but I’m not talking about word vomiting because you feel entitled to hash out every rational or irrational thought you’re having. Your significant other isn’t a sounding board for your insecurities. I learned that the hard way.
There is a right and wrong way to communicate. You must learn to communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with him or her. You can talk about how you’re feeling all day long, but if the other party interprets the message or tone wrong, you will get absolutely nowhere. If you’re confused about why you’re having the same conversation time and time again, ASK QUESTIONS. The best thing I learned during a relationship building course at church was; during discussions or arguments, ask the other person what they heard from you. It seems cheesy, and both he and I laughed through it (probably not great because the other couples were in marriage crisis mode and we were in the honeymoon phase), but it worked.
I highly recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It will give you a better understanding of how that person feels loved and better insight into their communication style because of how they love. It creates awareness of each other’s needs.
It’s imperative that both of you feel comfortable and confident enough that the conversations you two have will only build more respect and understanding for one another. If you bottle up feelings or resort to harsh tones, it will only build resentment and likely ruin your communication because one, or both of you, will emotionally shut down.
There's a right and wrong way to communicate. Communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with them. Click To Tweet
Quality Time and Time Apart
Quality over Quantity
I love making memories. Anything from talking over coffee on the porch, cooking together, running errands, or special events. I don’t need to go on extravagant trips with my person to feel like it’s quality time. What I desire, and I think most people desire, is a real connection. Having someone in the room with you during all your free time doesn’t automatically make the relationship blossom. If you’re not investing thought into creating memories, you’re not doing yourself or the relationship justice.
Maintain Independence
Spending time with your other half is important, but reserving time for friends and your hobbies is as equally important. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again…that person is in your life to share it, not be it. I love reading, riding my bike or even just watching a movie alone. I also love hanging out with my girlfriends. If I know one thing, it’s that all of my friends are there to pick up any broken pieces during or after a relationship. Treat the people in your life with just as much love as you treat your significant other. Trust me. He wants to hang with his buddies without you sometimes too.
Respect, Positivity, and Forgiveness
I’m using all of these as verbs. Action verbs. The act of being respectful, positive and forgiving. During the course of your relationship, you can pretty much count on cycling through each of them. On repeat.
Both of you must respect each other to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, being loyal, and acting as each other’s biggest fan. There is nothing worse for a man than hitting his pride, especially in front of others. Men are wired differently than women. He needs to feel respected. He needs to feel like you’re supportive and proud of him. He wants to lead. The moment you begin to take that away from him is the moment he begins to internalize. Disrespect is going to happen (on accident) because let’s face it, we women are emotional and when we don’t feel loved we tend to react. But that’s where forgiveness comes into play. Just be sure to own up to your actions, ladies.
Respect your partner to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, and being loyal to each other. Click To Tweet
Men: On the other hand, we women, are rooted in needing to feel loved. It’s just the way God created us. You need respect, even if that means we must bite our tongue until after the dinner party, and we need love. Do we need flowers every week? No, although that would be okay 🙂 We want to hold hands, to be told you think we’re pretty, to feel adored in public, to feel cherished. I once had a boyfriend who would bring me coffee in the mornings or leave notes on my car windshield. He would send me songs that made him think of me and hold my hand every time we were in the car. He would fill up my gas tank and take pictures of me when I wasn’t looking, just because he thought I was being cute. I felt SO loved. On the other hand, I’ve dated someone who bought me nice things, had people run errands for me because he was busy and slapped my butt as he walked by. Yet, he also bought me flowers every week. Still, I felt blah. Do you see the difference? Okay, good.
I could go on for days about dating, but I will stop there. It’s a lot to take in. If you’re in a relationship, I encourage you to take this post into account and make adjustments where it’s needed. If you’re like me, and the closest thing you have to a boyfriend or girlfriend is your dog, I urge you to allow this to soak in and practice these habits in your next relationship.
Reach out and let us know your success stories or your biggest dating flops in the comments below. 🙂
LOVE,
Aimee
Aimee Wathan is a 32-year-old Nashville female who loves Jesus and looks at life for what it is; messy and beautiful. After writing for Christian magazines and nonprofit blogs, Balanced Chaos came to life when she realized the world needed a raw dose of reality.
This article was Originally published at Balanced Chaos.
Photo Credit: S A R A H ✗ S H A R P
Do you seem to be caught in an endless cycle of bad dating relationships? Find out how to stop in TheHopeLine’s free eBook.
man in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.
will protect each other no matter what. “Just Friends” may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It’s a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who’s got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she’s more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each others back now and forever.(Narda) 
m/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going.That’s sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with “Just Friends”, you don’t have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is!
Get Off-Line – The internet can make us feel lonely because we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. Yet lonely people can exert so much energy to feel connected on-line that they don’t put forth effort to build off-line, fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the internet can get in the way when you are actually with someone in person, but you are both constantly on your phones. Meaningful conversation still won’t occur if you are both on-line.
Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.
that things must always be fixed.
if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong – if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone 
It may take a while for your friend to express everything he/she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they’re feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him/her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.
If you ask any successful person what helped them along their journey to success they will undoubtedly mention a person who took an interest in them early on and invested in their life. Someone they would call their mentor.
BE A VOICE OF REASON. 
The benefits of mentoring both for the mentor and mentee are vast. If you are interested in making a last impact on someone’s life, become a mentor. There are many great organizations seeking volunteer mentors, to find an organization in your area check this out: 
I was going through a hard break up, and instead of cutting like I normally would I decided to take a notebook and write in it. 
And now that I understand how much I’ve messed up all these years, I think it’s starting to make sense what our part is to play in the fight against depression.
Friendships are one of life’s greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with — someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are, is priceless. When we can have deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex, it is a tremendous gift. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are so intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.
ze how hard it is to know what to say or do about it.
Keep talking to that person, and stay with him or her. Don’t feel like you have to handle this on your own. Get help from individuals or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. We’ve also created a list of helpful blogs, videos, downloads and more which you can view here: 
Some people find making friends to be a very difficult task. It doesn’t have to be, but it does require patience, love, and commitment.
Shana said, Having a goal you share with other people, even strangers, will draw you together. I went on a missions trip with people from my church and we all became really great friends. Shana is right. She took her eyes off herself and her own fears, and found new friends who all had a common goal.
4) Be a good friend – Some people have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends. What is the difference between friends and acquaintances? An acquaintance is someone you might see everyday, and you might even have conversations with her or him, but it usually doesn’t go beyond friendly, superficial talk. If you’re looking for a good friend, you will have to work harder and go deeper than just saying hi to everybody. 
It takes a lot of work and commitment to be a great friend. But it is worth it. Keep in mind there are people all around you who are looking for friends. So continue developing good friends and your life will be far better for it.
