Friendship

7 Ways to Support a Friend or Loved One with Depression

by Dawson McAllister

I love my friends and family. I don’t want any of them to struggle, suffer, or feel pain, especially not when I feel like I might be able to help.

If you love someone who has a depression diagnosis, it can be difficult to know what to do. After all, you can’t fix their brain chemistry, give them more energy, or change any difficult circumstances in their life.

But don’t despair. There are a lot of ways you can help.

Listen

Listening is crucial for the success of any friendship or relationship, but it’s especially powerful for your friend with depression to know they’re heard. It helps counter their feelings of isolation and reminds them that they are indeed worthy of your time and attention.

Listening is crucial for the success of any friendship or relationship. #depression #friends Click To Tweet

Affirm

People with depression have often told me that one of the most frustrating things they experience is feeling like it’s “all in their head”, or that they’re just being “too emotional” and overdramatic. Affirming that you understand why something is sad or frustrating goes a long way toward helping your friend feel more grounded – and less alone.

Encourage

As you talk to your friend, you might learn about specific things that make their depression more difficult. For example, perhaps they feel guilty for not getting everything done on their to-do list because they had a hard time getting out of bed. You could encourage them by letting them know that you understand how hard it can be for them to get going. Let them know you’re proud of them for all they’ve accomplished so far. Celebrate whatever victories you can along the way, however small they may seem on the surface.

The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

Learn

There are tons of resources out there to help you learn about depression and other mental illness. Doing some research can empower you to be able to better support people in your life with depression. Maybe you and your friend can even learn together by listening to a podcast or reading through a book.

Share Quality Time

Meet for tea or coffee. Watch their favorite movie. Share a meal together. Sure, you can talk about how they’re feeling. But don’t make every conversation about their diagnosis. Remember to laugh and have fun along the way. If possible, silence your phone so you can focus on your friend. Being present can increase their sense of connection with you, which may help to alleviate some of their sadness or loneliness.

If possible, silence your phone so you can focus on your friend that is depressed. #depression #friends Click To Tweet

Check In

Text or call now and then just to see how they’re doing. It’s a simple way to brighten someone’s day and let them know they matter.

Pray

You can pray for your loved one with depression anytime. If prayer is part of your daily routine, put them on your prayer list. Ask them if they need more specific prayer. Next time, you read an encouraging or uplifting verse, share it with your friend to remind them of God’s love and care for their heart and their circumstances.

Find Out More

You probably already do a lot of these things for your friends and loved ones. Keep it up! Even choosing one or two of them to do with intention whenever you see your friend will make a big difference.

It can seem overwhelming when you friend, loved one, or family member has depression. If you need help along the way, we offer mental health resources, prayer, and mentorship. All you have to do is reach out.

If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!

My Best Friend’s Suicide Hurt Me

I Was Shook By My Best Friend’s Suicide

If anyone would have told me that you were going to come and leave so quickly from my life, I would have smacked them and called them a fool. We made it to 6 months. In those 6 months, you became my life. April, I have never met a more beautiful, bright, amazing and loving girl. You made me feel so far from alone. You made me feel like I mattered. You showed me the true definition of a best friend.

But you were always so sad. I tried to do anything I could to help you forget your troubles. We went out on dates, hung out everyday, went and spent nights at the barn with your horses. April, we did everything we thought best friends were supposed to do, but just when I thought you were the thing that saved me from me, I got the worst news…that you took your own life. My best friend’s suicide shook me to the core.

I Am Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

April, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. You made me feel so much life where I thought I never would feel it again, you truly brought out the real me. I wasn’t afraid around you and you never judged me. I will not ever forget the last night I saw you. You called me and asked if I had a cigarette, and I saved my last one for us to share. When you came through my gate, your eyes were covered in tears. We sat and I hugged you and I told you we would get through this. That it was just another bump. You cried and told me that you couldn’t take it anymore, that you hurt too much. We talked for about an hour, I cleaned up your tears, and we said we loved each other. You told me you would call me in the morning.

I never got that call, but you did that a lot so I didn’t think much of it. Two days later I found out you overdosed. All I could think about was that I really wish I could have saved you. I wish I could have said something to change your mind. April, everyone says it was an accident, but I know the truth. You were so full of life, yet so broken inside. I wish you could have seen how loved you truly were.

To Survivors of Suicide Loss

My Best Friend’s Suicide Was a Whole Other Type of Hurt

Losing someone you love to suicide is a whole other type of hurt. I lost my first friend when I was 19, to a murder. That hurt me in ways I thought were impossible. But losing you, April, knowing you were in my arms hours before you decided to depart the earth, makes my heart feel in ways I never knew I could feel. We may have been friends for less than a year, but you were one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. April, you showed me what a real friend was and you showed me a true friend.

Suicide Doesn’t End the Pain

April, losing you made me realize that I may be sad and I may want to die sometime, but I now fully understand the meaning of, “suicide doesn’t end your pain, it only passes the pain on to the ones who love you”.

Reach Out and Talk to Someone About Your Thoughts of Suicide

My message to anyone reading this and thinking about killing yourself….never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone! People love you! You are more beautiful and amazing than you think and you do have a purpose!

Sincerely,

April’s Best Friend

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

The Overwhelming Feeling of Loneliness: EP 24

What Keeps You from Meaningful Relationships?

Feeling Alone can be Overwhelming

Loneliness can lead to a lot of other issues; such as, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even thoughts of suicide. If you’ve been feeling lonely, know it’s not God’s plan for your life. He wants us to have friends and to love each other as He loves us. In this episode, I talk about loneliness with Amy, Tim, and Rebecca. We’ll talk about what keeps them from having meaningful relationships and how they can find and build friendships.

Girls Don’t Seem to Like Her

Amy wishes she had girlfriends to go out and have fun with. When she’s not with her boyfriend, she’s at home by herself. She says, girls don’t seem to like her. Amy is asking the question, why? Why does she lack meaningful relationships, especially with other girls?

It’s a challenge to maintain long-term relationships. We live hurried, busy lives and don’t always take the time to develop them. We get prideful and don’t want to appear like we need others. Sometimes we don’t know how to find and keep deeper relationships. Or it’s easy to take offense or decide we are better off without people in our lives.

Afraid to Reach Out

Many times, when we ask, why am I lonely? We already know what the answer is. The challenge is it’s too emotionally risky to solve the problem. Most people know what to do, they just don’t know how to do it or they are not willing to pay the price to remedy the problem. What are some reasons people are afraid to reach out?

Pride – Amy doesn’t want to look like she’s trying too hard to make friends.
Fear of rejection – you have to put yourself out there and you don’t know how the other person is going to respond.
Confused about how many friends you really need. Amy is thinking about a lot of friends but one friend at this point is really all she needs. Most people only have 2 or 3 really close friends anyway.
It’s hard when you’re lonely to think that other people around you are lonely too. Some camouflage their needs really well. It’s not like they have a sign on their forward that says, “Talk to me I’m lonely.”
Some people don’t understand there are sacrifices to developing new relationships. Amy may have to cut back on her time with her boyfriend to take the time to make friends with other girls. It’s worth it but it’s not easy.

Lonely? It’s not God’s plan for your life. He wants us to have friends & to love each other. Click To Tweet

Show Yourself Friendly

Amy needs to put aside her pride and be willing to make the first move toward gaining a friend. She needs to begin to show herself friendly. She can’t just wait for friends to come to her. This means she has to set aside time to get to know other people. She’s going to have to get out of her comfort zone and do activities with people other than her boyfriend. Amy has the tools to do this and with God’s help she can.

Grief and Loneliness

Tim was an only child and both of his parents died. He said they were very poor but he never lacked for food or clothes, his parents took good care of him. It’s been 5 years since they died. Tim works in the oil field and makes good money but the girls he’s dated think he’s gullible and lonely.

Lonely people have often been struck with major hurts and tragedies. Sometimes through no fault of their own, the very people who would help fill the gap of aloneness are snatched from them. Grief and loneliness can come hand in hand.

Tim has really been through it…losing both parents can be devastating. Ye he’s the only one who can make the changes in his life that will help develop deep, important, and potentially long-term relationships with others.

Tim, however is constantly reminded he’s all alone. He’s had shallow relationships with girls who don’t care about him. At the same time, he’s observing others who are enjoying the good family life. So, what hope does Tim have?

Lonely people have often been struck with major hurts and tragedies through no fault of their own. Click To Tweet

God’s Help for Loneliness

He needs to remind himself how God helped him when he was very young. The same hope he had as a child when God put the food on the table from a very poor family is still available to him now. That same God who helped him back then, can and will help him again with his fears and loneliness. King David wrote, “The steps of a man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the LORD is holding his hand. I once was young and now am old, yet never have I seen the righteous abandoned or their children begging for bread.” Psalm 37:23-25

The good news for Tim is he already has a relationship with God. He speaks of God’s provisions but it’s hard for him to apply that to his feelings of loneliness. As Dr. Billy Graham once said, “Nothing dissolves loneliness like a session with God’s Word.” Tim needs to seek the Lord with all of his heart and then friendships and relationships will fall into place. Jesus said, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

Be a Good Friend

Rebecca is feeling lonely and wants more friends. She has 2 friends at school, but they are in different classes, so she doesn’t see them much.

Rebecca needs to understand this is not a little thing we are talking about. God’s will is for her to have friends. If God wants us to have friends, then he will make the way for us to find them. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

God’s going to help Rebecca. Part of His plan is found in Proverbs 18:24, “A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” As I mentioned to Rebecca, if she is a good friend and shows others she’s approachable, then people will want to be around her.

Shared Experiences

One key to making friends is shared experiences. This is why teammates can become so close as well as roommates, coworkers, and people into the same interests. They share experiences together and get to know each other while doing similar activities.

Rebecca needs to find a group to join; whether it’s a club, team, community service group, study group, or youth group. This way she can get to know people through shared experiences. Meaningful relationships do not develop overnight. They take time and must be cultivated.

Meaningful #relationships do not develop overnight. They take time and must be cultivated. Click To Tweet

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

God does not want us to go through struggles alone. He wants us to have friends, who will stick with us through thick or thin. Proverbs 12:12 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

A friend can make all the difference in your life whether you are going through a really hard time or you are doing well. A true friend, as the Bible says, can stick closer to you than a sister or brother.

My prayer for you is that you will find the right kind of friends and they will help you and you will help them and you will have a much richer life. God bless you as you seek to find those friends.

Resources for help with LONELINESS:

Check out my eBooks: Understanding Loneliness and Understanding Friendships.
Check out my blogs: 10 Tips to End Loneliness, Just Say Hi, How to Make Friends, and 9 Tips for Being a Good Friend
Check out this story of hope from Leigh who struggled with loneliness: Isolation.
Need to talk about loneliness? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.
Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the ThePrayerZone.com and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on verbal abuse in the family. The words of an abuser can cause all kinds of agony and can set one on a lifelong destructive course. In this episode, I speak with Lance, who’s verbally attacked by his parents. I also talk with Sarah who endures verbal abuse at least twice a day trapped in the car with her dad. And the most difficult conversation I had is with Tameka, whose father emotionally and verbally abuses her. He calls her names and puts her down every day. If you need help dealing with verbal abuse in your family, then this one is for you!

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

Finding Purpose, A Cheating Boyfriend, and Jealousy: EP 12

The Hard Times Were the Best Times Because…

In This Episode:

Looking for Purpose

Luke was kicked out and has been living in his car for 2 weeks. He just found a friend to stay with and is looking for a job but things are not going his way yet. He’s determined not to quit trying. In the midst of all his struggles, he’s looking for his purpose.
Sometimes hard times force us to look for answers to life’s questions; such as: Why am I alive? What is the purpose of my being here? Luke is searching for the answers to those hard questions.

Played by Her Boyfriend

Nakita’s boyfriend played her pretty hard. She stood by his side, loved him and supported him. Instead of being faithful to her and treating her well, he lied to her and cheated on her. Now, the girl he cheated with, is pregnant. Nakita is having a hard time letting go of him but the truth is, there are no roads which lead back to him.

Jealousy Is Tearing Her Apart

What do you do when a friend shines brighter than you? Renee’s friend is getting all the attention and Renee is jealous of her. Renee says jealousy is ruining her life. The truth is, if we compare ourselves to others, it can cause us to have a jealous spirit. Renee doesn’t need to compare herself to her friend. Her friend may be beautiful and get lots of attention but Renee has been made in God’s image and has her own great qualities, especially in the eyes of God.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Most people’s problems are so deep and complicated, they are not solved on their own. I give advice which can help but Luke, Nakita, and Renee need to take the next right step. It’s not going to be easy but that’s why we have a lot of resources to help them and you, if you are facing your own struggles.

Resources to help you with finding purpose and relationship struggles:

Take a look at my eBooks: Understanding a Relationship with God, Understanding Cheating, and Understanding Self-Worth.
Check out my blogs: How to Spot a Toxic Friend, Your BF/GF is Cheating on You, Now What, and Versus of Hope for Relationships, Sex, and Cheating.
To learn more about having a meaningful relationship with God, check out my podcast episode 9: Find Hope and Peace Through a Relationship with God. I talked to a guy named Ronnie. The call was amazing, it really spoke to me. I think you’ll like it a lot. It just might be the most important podcast you’ll ever listen to.
Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the ThePrayerZone.com and check it out.
Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me in my next episode where I talk with Calvin, Erin, and Chris, who are all dealing with parents against their relationships. Calvin’s girlfriend’s dad hates him. Erin’s mom is not happy about her dating an older guy, and Chris’ parents don’t like that he is back with his ex. My goal is to offer them insights which could help them and hopefully help you as well.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

7 Reasons to be Just Friends

by Dawson McAllister

Just Friends vs. Dating

Being “Just Friends” with someone from the opposite sex that you can just hang out with, while avoiding all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama, can be a real blessing. I wish every teenager and young adult could experience a friendship with someone from the opposite sex with no strings attached. It’s possible to have a Just Friends relationship, but so many people are looking for that perfect one. That boyfriend or girlfriend that’s going to sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. In the meantime, they lose out on all the good times a relationship with Just Friends could bring them.

I get tons of calls on my radio show about boyfriend/girlfriend drama and broken hearts. Sometimes, the consequences of bad dating relationships can be hard and life-changing, like unintended pregnancies, STDs, and abuse.

I find myself saying to many of these callers, “You don’t need a boyfriend. You need a boy you can be “just friends” with.” The same is true for guys. We think we need that special girl, but often we simply want a woman in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.

What I’m trying to say is having a friend from the opposite sex is a huge gift to you and can be far healthier than the drama of dating. I wish everyone who dates would have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective.

A while back I asked for comments from my readers about the advantages of having a friend from the opposite sex. I read through every comment and came up with 7 good reasons to be “Just Friends”.

Everyone who dates should have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective. Click To Tweet

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

Quality Relationships

You tend to respect your friends more than the people you randomly date. People who have Just Friends relationships tend to respect their friend and take care of them more than just random dating that comes and goes. I’m best friends with a guy named Mikey and he’s awesome. We respect each other. We know that we don’t want anything to ruin what we have. (Angelica)
“Just Friend” relationships tend to be more like brother and sister relationships. Everybody needs brothers and sisters, but let’s just suppose for a moment that you’re a guy who doesn’t have a sister or a girl who doesn’t have a brother. Or perhaps you don’t relate well to your brother or sister. Just Friends can help fill the gap of those who have never experienced a good brother or sister relationship. Just Friends’ is like having a brother or a sister for those who didn’t have a sibling of the opposite sex.(Christy) By the way, if you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, you are truly blessed.
You can be very honest and real within a “Just Friends” relationship. When dating, there can be a lot of fear of losing your boyfriend or girlfriend. So many times, people are not honest with one another about their feelings. All this does is make the dating relationship weak and prone to fall apart. But in Just Friends, you tend to be more honest because you feel more secure in the relationship and the stakes aren’t quite so high. Learning how to be honest in a relationship is extremely important. So, what you learn about honesty in Just Friends you can apply someday to your boyfriend/girlfriend. I like having him as friend because it’s nice to have a guys’ opinion when you need it and I know he will truly give me an honest answer.(Rissa) I like what Laura had to say, They keep you grounded, and aren’t afraid to give you a reality check when you obviously need one.(Laura)There’s a cool verse from the wisest man in the Bible. His name is King Solomon and he said, An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. He’s absolutely right. It’s hard to get people to be totally honest with you, but Just Friends can be just that.
“Just Friends” often protect each other. I have always been amazed at how real friends will protect each other no matter what. “Just Friends” may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It’s a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who’s got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she’s more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each others back now and forever.(Narda)

No Pressure
You can learn much about the opposite sex without the pressure of dating. It seems to me that many people really do not understand the opposite sex. Let’s face it, men and women look at the world differently and react differently to life. That’s one reason why in dating, things get so confusing. Because along with the deep emotion of young love or infatuation comes confusion and frustration. But a friend from the opposite sex can fill you in on what women/men are like. They can answer a lot of your questions about the opposite sex and save you all kinds of grief. I think it’s great to have a friend of the opposite sex because sometimes the same sex won’t understand some things you are going through such as if you have been in a bad break up. A guy can see your point of view when you’re talking about your ex, and it gives you an opportunity to see both sides of the story…(Megan)
There is no sexual pressure. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Guys aren’t pressured to have sex as much by girls, but some still are. Being pressured to have sex can be a very difficult experience. If you’re dating somebody and really like him/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going.That’s sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with “Just Friends”, you don’t have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is!

It’s so nice to just hang with guys who are “Just Friends” and not have any sexual stuff in between. It has never been that way between any of us!(Jenn) I’m amazed at how many people pressure their dating partner to go against their value system and do something sexual the other partner doesn’t want to do.
Just Friends are comfortable with each other with no need to impress. There is tremendous pressure on teenagers and young adults to impress other people, especially the opposite sex. They end up not even being themselves, but instead what they think the person of the opposite sex wants them to be. It’s just one big performance. Not being yourself and performing for others is extremely exhausting and never worth the effort. Just Friends helps solve that problem because with Just Friends you can be yourself and not worry about impressing. If you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, you don’t have to try to impress anyone. One of my best friends is a guy, and we talk about almost everything. I don’t have to prove myself, and neither does he.(Kaitlyn)

You can be very honest and real within a Just Friends relationship. #dating #friendship Click To Tweet

So save yourself a lot of stress by spending more time developing Just Friends relationships. It could be the wisest thing you’ll ever do.

There are so many good reasons to have Just Friends. I’m not against dating, but it can cause a lot of pressure and pain you don’t need. I’m all for Just Friends and who knows, the perfect love for your life may come along when not even looking for him/her. I want to encourage you to keep developing a Just Friends relationship. You’ll be glad you did.

Related Posts:

Challenges of Just Friends

Choose Friends Wisely

9 Tips for Being a Great Friend

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

If you have had a “just friends” relationship with someone from the opposite sex, please leave a comment below about both the pros or the cons.

10 Tips To End Loneliness

by Dawson McAllister

Loneliness is On the Rise

If you are feeling lonely, you are not alone. Kind of ironic, but true. The world is full of lonely people. In fact, loneliness is on the rise. Research shows that the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years. Today about 40% of Americans (60 million) report being lonely. In the 1980s, it was only 20%. (General Social Survey).

For some reason in this world full of people, we are struggling to find friends and make relationships that last.

Being lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. We need to have people we can confide in. We need people who will support us and people whom we can support in return. We are created to live in community.

Being #lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. Click To Tweet

If you are finding yourself struggling with feelings of loneliness, let me encourage you that this does not have to be a permanent issue, and there are things you can do to fight against it.

What is Situational Loneliness?

Seasons of mild loneliness are totally normal. There are situations in everyone’s life that leave us feeling lonely. These seasons can be caused by a number of situations.

A move to a new city
A loved one died
A change of school or job
A new social network with people that are very different than you…you don’t have a common bond of faith or culture or interests, etc
You have no romantic interest at the time

Situational loneliness is temporary, because situations change over time.

What is Chronic Loneliness?

Chronic loneliness on the other hand is a continual state of feeling lonely with no end in sight. You have a void of real emotional bonds with anyone that you can trust and confide in.

Let me warn you, it can be easy to wallow in a state of situational loneliness to the point that you let it turn into chronic loneliness. It is important to take steps to fight against the feelings of loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem for both mental and physical health reasons.

When you start to feel lonely you can also start to feel ashamed, and then you can start to think of yourself as a loser. If you allow yourself to believe that, you may become reluctant to meet new people and before you know it you are stuck in a lonely state.

Licensed psychologist, author and speaker, Guy Winch, PhD, says, “Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us think that those around us care much less than they actually do. It also makes us afraid to reach out because we don’t want to set ourselves up for rejection and heartache when our heart is already aching.”

Feeling lonely, what can you do?

To begin with let’s acknowledge that loneliness is a FEELING not a fact. You can have all kinds of people in your life and still FEEL lonely. So here are 10 tips to help you move past this feeling.

Take steps to fight against the feelings of #loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem. Click To Tweet

10 Tips To End Loneliness

1. Realize you are not unusual – As the statistics show, you are not alone in feeling lonely. 40% of people are just like you. This doesn’t make the feeling any easier, but it may help to know you are normal and not unusual.
2. Let loneliness remind you of the value of connecting with others. Don’t give up on the importance of connecting with others. Let this feeling motivate you to seek relationships.
3. Identify your loneliness thoughts. Write down some of the negative thoughts that you have when you are lonely. Do you think things like: “I will always be alone”, “If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.”, “I must be a loser, because I am alone.” “No one must like me. Something must be wrong with me.” If so, try to come up with rational responses to those thoughts:
  - Are you really always going to be alone or might you be interacting with people soon…at work, school, church, waiting in line, or participating in an activity. You are not on a deserted island.
  - Do you have to feel sad because you are alone? Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be sad.
  - Are you really a “loser” because you are alone? Everyone is alone at some time or another. Being alone is a situation — and situations change.
4. Use Alone Time Wisely – If you find yourself alone, you can choose to dwell in your loneliness or attempt to use your alone time to do a solo activity that you enjoy and become good at it. Maybe it’s reading, cooking, baking, golfing, fishing, etc.. Then use your new skill as a way to connect with others. Find a group with similar interests or use it as a conversation starter when you meet new people.
5. Get Off-Line – The internet can make us feel lonely because we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. Yet lonely people can exert so much energy to feel connected on-line that they don’t put forth effort to build off-line, fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the internet can get in the way when you are actually with someone in person, but you are both constantly on your phones. Meaningful conversation still won’t occur if you are both on-line.
6. Don’t miss positive social cues – Lonely people can be so wrapped up in their feelings of loneliness that they are less able to pick up on positive social cues, like others’ attention and or signals from others that they are willing to commit to a friendship. Without picking up on these cues, lonely people withdraw prematurely. Open your eyes and look for what others may be communicating to you.
7. Fight the emotional habit of loneliness – Realize you are dealing with an emotional habit and be willing to do the hard work of combating it. Invite someone out or initiate a conversation. It will be worth it. The emotion of loneliness can pass, depending on what you’re thinking and what you’re doing.
8. Focus on the needs and feelings of others. Shifting your focus from how bad you’ve got it to how you can bless others will go a long way in combating loneliness.
9. Develop realistic expectations – If you are expecting a new friend to call you constantly or spend time together daily, or share every detail of their life, you may be disappointed. Your friendship is not diminished if your time together is limited. People have busy lives and are balancing many relationships and work or school. Don’t give up on a relationship just because they aren’t able to give as much as you expect.
10. Remember you are never truly alone – it is important for us to know that we are never truly alone. God promises to never abandon us and to always be with us and strengthen and help us and uphold us. If you are facing a season of feeling isolated, turn to God. Learn to trust Him through prayer and reading the Bible. Welcome His presence into your life.

Remember you're never truly alone. #Godpromises to never abandon us and to always be with us. Click To Tweet

You can do this! Put yourself out there, make new friends or renew old friendships. You will be so happy you did!

For more information on loneliness including additional tips, causes, health risks, a loneliness quiz, and combating loneliness in marriage download our free eBook.

How to Spot a Toxic Friend

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

Guest blog written by: Madison, blogger for You Matter, a part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and a safe space for youth to discuss and share stories about mental health and wellness.

Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

And then there are toxic relationships. These are the relationships that, if not corrected, could become extremely harmful. They are not necessarily hopeless, but require a lot of work to be corrected. Spotting a toxic relationship isn’t always easy since many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. Fortunately, there’s been a lot of recent psychological study into healthy and happy relationships and there are some principles that pop up consistently.

These are a few red flags of a toxic relationship:

– Passive aggression

– Arguing without communication

– Extreme jealousy

– Feelings of low self-worth

– Being secretive/hiding things from one another

– Constantly bringing up past mistakes in present arguments

– Avoiding one another

– Physical violence

– Wishing that things were as they once were in the relationship

– Feelings of unfaithfulness

Just because a relationship has taken a toxic course does not mean that it cannot be fixed through time and hard work. However, it does not mean that things must always be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that a relationship has run its course. Oftentimes there are a lot of things that we put up with simply because the pain that relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the people that we love.

It's okay to admit the #relationship has run it's course. #lettinggo Click To Tweet

But we must remember to make ourselves a priority and put our well-being before anything else, even if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.

For information on how to meet, make, and maintain good friendships, check out:

When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

by Dawson McAllister

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

One of life’s greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when your best friend is mad at you. Many a friend has spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong – if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you.

So what can you do when your best friend is mad at you?

Talk It Out with your Best Friend

When your best friend is mad at you, the first and most important thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it’s quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what’s wrong between you. Ask what he/she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it’s your job to listen. Really listen and don’t break in with your point of view. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict. Jennifer agreed: The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.

When your best friend is mad at you, the most important thing you can do is talk about it. #BFF Click To Tweet

Don’t Get Defensive

The worst thing you can do is get defensive when resolving a conflict with your best friend. Don’t quickly react to what your friend is saying. When you hear your friend telling you what he/she thinks you did wrong, it’s natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time enough for you to express how you feel as well. Don’t forget this is your time to listen. This is not a sign of agreeing, it is just a sign of listening!

Ask What You Can Do

It may take a while for your friend to express everything he/she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they’re feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him/her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

The next thing you might want to ask is “What can I do to help mend the relationship?” Many times, your friend will have an idea of what they’d like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you’re willing to do what he/she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, your hurt friend may have a totally unrealistic solution to the problem. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, if she says, “I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again.” Don’t commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic, and unfair.

David said, Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground, or walk away. Most people don’t know when their expectations are unrealistic. You might find it helpful to say, “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking, but I could do this.” Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong

If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It’s easy to
think just saying I’m sorry is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don’t mean them, or if you don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, I will forgive you before you assume all is well with your friend.

However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. He/she will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time this will prove to her you really are sorry.

If you're truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to #apologize. Click To Tweet

Give It Time

If your friend doesn’t want to talk about what is making him/her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be a good friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond. A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs but we’re still friends. Even the times she tried to pull away and we didn’t talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had.

Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you’re not sure they really care if you’re friends or not. It’s impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution. You can’t make anybody else do what they don’t want to do. You might want to read the series of blogs I wrote on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it’s easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties. Do all you can to make peace. Remember, a good friend is priceless.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

If you think your friend might be struggling with something beyond just your relationship, check out our eBook library for eBooks on all types of issues and every eBook has a section on how to help a friend who is struggling with that issue.

This guest blog: The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression is really helpful if one of your friends is struggling with depression.

Also, check out this other guest blog by my friend, JD, about choosing your friends. A lot of times, you do have a choice in whom you are close friends with so choose them wisely. Here’s JD’s blog: Choose Friends Wisely.

8 Ways To Be A Great Mentor

by Dawson McAllister

Try These Tips to Be a Good Mentor

If you ask any successful person what helped them along their journey to success they will undoubtedly mention a person who took an interest in them early on and invested in their life. Someone they would call their mentor.

I have been strongly influenced by people who took an interest in me and my work with teenagers and young adults and helped guide and direct me and my ministry over many years. I believe God placed these mentors in my life to help shape who I am today. Likewise, I have tried to make a difference in the lives of the people who call my radio show by speaking truth to them, being a positive influence in their lives and connecting them with TheHopeLine and our partners.

Have you had a good mentor in your life? Are you in a season where you need to find a mentor to help give you direction? Could you be a good mentor for someone else?

Mentoring makes such a difference in the lives of others, that the United States designated the entire month of January as National Mentoring Month.

Here are some benefits a good mentor provides:

The assurance that there is someone out there who cares for them.
A consistent presence in their life that they don’t want to disappoint, so they try hard.
A person who can hold them accountable for achieving the goals they set.
A resource to bounce ideas off of and help process difficult situations.
A voice of truth and guidance to keep someone on the right path.
The encouragement that someone believes in them and has their back.

Quality mentoring relationships have powerful positive effects on people in their personal lives, in social situations, in their education and careers.

Mentoring has the power to change people in all aspects of their lives. #mentoring Click To Tweet

This short video shares an e-mail mentor success story:

I think this world could be an amazing place if we stopped being so focused on ourselves and started investing in the lives of others. So this blog is my way of encouraging you today to open your eyes to the people in your life who may benefit from your influence. You don’t need to go announce to them that you are going to be their mentor, but you can start showing an interest in their life, you can invite them out for coffee or a soda and just give them an opportunity to talk.

Start investing into the lives of others! #mentor #mentoring Click To Tweet

8 Tips For Being a Good Mentor:

(Many of these also apply to being a good friend as well.)

1. 1. BE TRUSTWORTHY. It is important that they fully believe you have their best interest at heart…that you genuinely care. Your motives cannot be selfish. If you are doing this to look like a hero or look like an expert, they will pick up on that. It needs to be about them so that they can trust you with the junk in their lives.
  2. BE SAFE. You want to be their safe place. A place they don’t fear judgement. A place they can share their fears, their mistakes, their vulnerabilities and you will not walk away. You won’t laugh at them. You are safe to confide in.
  3. BE CONSISTENT. Be a person they can count on. If you say you are going to meet at a certain time, be there. If you are going to attend an event, be there. They need to know they can count on you.
  4. BE TRANSPARENT. It’s O.K., even helpful, to let them know you struggle too. You will be more relatable. In fact, knowing you faced challenges, and succeeded despite them, might give them hope for themselves. Using personal stories and experiences is also often a good way to communicate and influence their way of thinking. People often relate to stories much more easily than straightforward advice. However, when sharing your story, you must remember that this is NOT about you. It is still about them.
  5. BE CURIOUS. This might be the most important quality on this list…much more important than offering good advice. Because if you aren’t curious about their life, if you aren’t willing to ask them lots of questions to discover what brought them to where they are today, why they view the world the way they do, and what it is like to walk in their shoes, then you have no right to offer advice. Additionally, learning to ask them questions rather than just throwing advice at them will help them “buy in” to a solution. They need to discover the solution on their own. Research shows that if someone offers you advice or simply shares an opinion with you, your brain tends to interpret that as a threat to your own ideas. On the flip side questions are embraced by the brain. Here are some questions to help get you started: What’s going well for you right now? What isn’t? What’s something you’re feeling frustrated about? Where are you feeling stuck? What’s something you’ve learned recently that you’re excited about? What would you like to be different in a month? In a year? Two years?

1. 1. BE PATIENT. A person will change when they decide to change. Don’t expect them to immediately make perfect decisions once you walk into their life. But stick with them, even when it’s frustrating. They might continue to make some bad decisions for a while but be patient and be a consistent presence in their life.
  2. BE A VOICE OF REASON. As you seek to guide them, much of your role will involve helping them process what the next right step to take is. You are a sounding board for them to bounce ideas off of and then a facilitator…asking them questions to help them come up with their own answers. If they ask for your opinion, say something like, “Sure, I’ll give you my opinion. But first I’d like to hear what you think about it.” Change and growth are hard work. But help them reason out what the alternative is. Is it better to stay in the same place with the same consequences? Or to do the hard work of moving forward to a better future?
  3. BE A CHEERLEADER. Celebrate their accomplishments. Build them up. Let them know you believe they can do whatever they put their mind to. Encouragement is the muscle that helps them take the first step toward change.

Be their safe place of no judgement. #mentor #mentoringIRL Click To Tweet

The benefits of mentoring both for the mentor and mentee are vast. If you are interested in making a last impact on someone’s life, become a mentor. There are many great organizations seeking volunteer mentors, to find an organization in your area check this out: http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/become-a-mentor/

If you are in a season of life where you could really benefit from having mentor you can sign up for an e-mail mentor through TheHopeLine here – https://www.thehopeline.com/email-mentor-signup/ or find a mentor in your community here http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/find-a-mentor/.

Have you benefited from a mentor? Give them a shout out in the comments below.

Have you mentored someone and found it impacted your own life? Tell us how. Do you have a friend or are you mentoring someone dealing with self-worth issues? Download our eBook for ways to understand and help them.

Jasman’s Story: Self-Harm

Jasman’s Story:

When I was about 7 years old my parents got divorced, but as far back as I can remember they were always fighting and arguing. I started to self-harm when I was 12. I thought that there was no one out there who cared, knew what I was going through, even knew I was alive.

I was going through a hard break up, and instead of cutting like I normally would I decided to take a notebook and write in it. Now instead of cutting, I grab my notebook, and I write in it. One day I realized:

I have friends who care about me.
My mom and dad care about me.
My grandparent’s care about me.

I had a blade in my pocket one day, and a friend of mine emailed the school counselor, I got kind of upset at her, but then later that day, when I was home, I realized, that if she would not have emailed the school counselor, I would of cut myself really badly.

People out there care about you, even though you may not realize it.

I wrote this in one of my notebooks today, “Blades help me release the monster on the inside, they can cut deep, or they can just skim the skin, they have always been there through all the rough times, but what I didn’t realize is that so were my friends. I have friends that have always been there. They didn’t have to make a single scar on my body, like a blade, they helped let the monster out through my words, not my cuts. Cuts make scars, then people ask ‘How did you get those?’ then you have to make up some lie, so you do not get in trouble.”

People out there care, even though you may not think they do. #TheHopeLineCares Click To Tweet Blades help release the monster from within, friends help release the monster thru words, not cuts. Click To Tweet

From,

Jasman

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

When your friend is battling depression…what should you say? Meagan Prins, blog writer for HeartSupport share her perspective in this guest post.

So Many People in My Life Were Struggling

A friend once sat next to me on a park bench and told me the only way he could get out of bed in the morning was by smoking a joint and turning his brain off from the pain.

For a while, I got long and desperate voicemails from my brother early in the morning about how he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t shake the feeling of being alone.

The more people I met in high school and college, the more the word kept popping up. I’m depressed. My mom is depressed. My sister, my cousin, my best friend.

So many of the people I care most about in the world have told me the same thing. They were in a fog they couldn’t shake, a darkness sat on them like a two-hundred pound weight. Life didn’t seem worth living most of the time.

The word depression used to be so informal. It’s been used it to talk about everything from a bad day or a random mishap to breakups and funerals. Depression was sadness, was being upset by something, or maybe even being heartbroken.

For the longest time, depression was something that couldn’t touch me. It was something I myself was immune to, so why should I care?

Despite so many people I knew dealing with this similar struggle, I really didn’t get it. I’d had bad days too, but I always managed to move on. Things were hard sometimes, yes, but I still held so strongly to this belief that life was what you made it. That happiness was a choice, or something.

I didn’t know how to help them. I didn’t know what to say, so I talked their ears off and said all the wrong things.

Cheer up! Life get’s better.
Just pray about it.
Maybe if you try just a little bit harder.
I understand what you’re going through.
Look at all the good things in your life.

But Depression is REAL

An afternoon in June, that all changed.

For one of the longest hours of my life, I thought I lost someone who I cannot imagine living without. She had gone missing for hours, leaving only a scary note behind. I left probably twenty voicemails pleading for her life, my head pounding with the possibility.

I could have woken up without her. She could have been gone from my life forever.

And why? Because depression is real. Because for a long time, depression told her that no one would care if she just disappeared.

I sat in the car with her a few hours later, holding her hand and sobbing. I had no idea what to say, how to help, how to fix anything. But what I did know was that I didn’t want to live in world without her without any of my friends who were struggling with depression.

Just Listen and Love

So I shut up. I barred my mouth and let it sink in how incredibly amazing it was to have this girl in my life. No longer would I sugarcoat her pain, her loneliness.

I stopped pretending like I could do anything at all except listen and love. Click To Tweet

Depression is one of the most powerful and subtle forces on the planet, a slow-acting poison that seeps into the life of every person who breathes air and thinks thoughts. I realize now that it wants to destroy me and you too. It either tackles each of us personally or vows to take shots at the people we care about.

And now that I understand how much I’ve messed up all these years, I think it’s starting to make sense what our part is to play in the fight against depression.

It’s Not About You

If your friend is struggling, the first thing you must realize is that it isn’t about you. That was the first trap I always seemed to fall in. I thought that I could remedy the situation, that the words that I said would actually make them feel better. I thought I knew what they needed.

It doesn’t always make sense, it isn’t always clear, and it’s really freaking hard. What is the source? Hard to say. What will make it better? Who really knows.

Validate What They Are Feeling

Talking with many of my friends, they have told me that all they really want is for their feelings to be validated. In a society where bouts of depression are often down-played, undermined, or ignored entirely, they just want to know that someone sees their pain”someone acknowledges the intensity of it.

That SUCKS. You don’t have to go through this alone if you don’t want to.

It’s that simple if we let it be. Our friends and family need us to hear them out and to hold them tight. They need us to listen to what they need, not be told what we think would help them. We need to let them talk about it instead of sweeping the rain cloud under a rug and ignoring what is really going on.

Each of us has a secret battle: depression, self-hate, pride, the wounds of the past, overwhelming fear, anxiety, you name it. We don’t always want to talk about it, but we know it is there. And despite how much we try to hide it, it feels really good when someone let’s us know that it is ok that we are struggling.

In a world where depression is downplayed, our friends want to know we see their pain. Click To Tweet

It also feels really good when the people in our lives give us the time and the space to struggle with our battle. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes resilience. The people in our lives need that from us as well.

No matter how dark life seems, or how low we feel, there is hope in knowing there is someone beside you to bolster you, to guard your back.

Will we always understand what our friends are going through? No. Will we always be able to help them? Definitely not. But can we always be there? If we care, absolutely.

How does what Meagan said impact the way you will respond next time a friend tells you they are depressed?

Guest blog written by Meagan Prins was She is part of HeartSupport’s Blog Team. Meagan is a college student, athlete, and a dreamer. She writes: “In life there are hurts, hearts, big plans and small disappointments. There’s my faith and my doubt and I write about that for HeartSupport‘s Blog Team!”

TheHopeLine is here for you! If you are facing depression and need help…we are here. We will not tell you to just pray about it or to just cheer up. Depression is real and we want to help give you the tools you need to help yourself or help a friend who is struggling with depression. Also, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook: Understanding Depression!

How to Find a Meaningful Relationship

by Dawson McAllister

We all want it. A deep meaningful relationship.

The problem is the prized treasure of a meaningful relationship is something that takes a lot of time and hard work on the part of both people in the relationship. And in our society of instant gratification, working patiently for something isn’t the norm. We think we can have whatever we want, when we want it. But in relationships a meaningful bond with someone simply cannot happen overnight.

You can become infatuated with someone overnight. You can have your lusting desires filled instantly. But you can’t build a deep, long-lasting relationship without investing a considerable amount of time into another person.

Here’s why…

It takes patience, commitment and a rock-solid foundation that begins as a tried and tested friendship in order to get to a place of trust, respect, and mutual love with another person. It takes putting the other person first, and letting go of your own selfish desires. This is why I encourage you to take the time to really get to know someone before you begin dating them. I promise you that discovering a meaningful relationship built on mutual respect and selfless love is worth the wait.

Many people don’t have the patience to let a relationship develop. They want to rush into things, because being in a close relationship can feel like the ultimate high. Many times people imagine a relationship to be better than it really is, just so they can feel in love,a sort of cloudy, fuzzy, state of giddiness that makes everything else in life seem small and boring in comparison.

Yet there is a danger of rushing in and adding sex to an undeveloped, uncommitted relationship. When sex is added too quickly, the natural progress of the relationship is thrown all out of whack. Sex is an act of completely giving yourself to another person and to be that vulnerable with someone before you really know them leads to anxiety and questions such as, Is this relationship only based on sex or does he/she really love me?This can cause a cloud to hang over them, one that can often ruin their relationship.

Let love, rather than selfishness, be your guide. Click To Tweet

How are you going to find a meaningful relationship? Just remember, real love involves a growing relationship, and any amount of growth takes time and attention. Not every relationship is worth the time. And if you take things slow you will discover this before you are in too deep.

My prayer is that you will find that relationship. Protect it for all its worth because it is worth it. Nurture the relationship, take care of it, and do things that will let you get to know each other. Let God be your foundation, and let love, rather than selfishness, be your guide.

For more information on how to understand why you are making the dating choices you are and how to make better ones, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.

Choose Friends Wisely

Guest blog is written by Jeffrey Dean. Jeffrey Dean, aka, JD is a motivation speaker and has spoken to over 3 million teens. He is also an ordained pastor, counselor, and author.

NOTE: This is his column Choose Friends Wisely which appeared in Forward & Direction Magazines, Summer 2015.

When I met Jason, he was seen as a new kid on the block, in his first year of serving a life sentence without parole for murder. Jason was nineteen. We talked for a long time about his past, his broken home, and how he grew up on the streets of Baltimore, dealing dope and packing heat before the end of fourth grade.

Jason could’ve made excuses for where he was. He could’ve laid blame for his poor choices on his life on the street. Instead, he looked me square in the eye and said, There’s no one to blame but me. I chose my friends. Now I’m paying the price.

Friendships. We all have them. We all want them. And, to a certain extent, we all need them. Your friends are one of, if not the most, powerful influences in your life today. But do you ever really think about the friendships you have and how they affect you? Your friends are your friends for probably a lot of reasons:

They’ve accepted you.
You have a lot in common with them.
They make you feel secure.
You trust them.
They’re loaded!

Okay, except for that last one, all of those are pretty valid reasons. Here’s another one: They need to live a godly life and encourage you to do the same. Your friends seriously impact youhow you dress, how you talk, how you act, who you date, what music you listen to, and even how you treat your parents.

I know you’re probably thinking, I don’t let my friends influence me like that. I decide what I want to do.Well, it may seem that way. But think about this:

Friends = Time

Friends are not just people you know. They’re people you do life with school, lunch, sports, partiesit’s safe to say you spend a lot of time doing stuff with them.

Time = Influence

The more time you spend with another person, the more you’re influenced by that person. That’s natural. As you commit time to a friendship, your lifestyle will be more and more affected by theirs.

Influence = Character

1 Corinthians 15:33 warns that bad company will corrupt our character. How’s your character? Do you find yourself making choices today that you wouldn’t have made if it wasn’t for your friends? If yes, have these choices been honoring or dishonoring to God?

Character = Choices

Think about the five choices you most regret making. Now, think about where you were and who you were with when you made these choices of regret. I bet it’s pretty safe to say that you were probably with a close friend when you made most, if not all, of these choices.

God knows that friendships are important to you. And He wants you to have truly great ones. But He also knows how much bad friendships can hurt you. So how do you know the difference between good friends and bad ones? Well, unfortunately, your friends are not like bags of Doritosthey don’t have labels on their backs listing all of their ingredients. In Proverbs 13:20, God gives us a promise and a warning that can help in choosing the right kind of friends:

The promise: Spend time with wise people, and you will grow wise.

The warning: Spend time with foolish people, and you will suffer!

If you hang out with wise friends, people who know right from wrong and choose right, you’re going to get wise. Wise friends will be more able to offer you good advice in time of need, because they believe God’s ways are right and they follow them.

The warning in this verse is just as clear as the promise, and just as serious. Proverbs says if you hang out with fools, then bad stuff is going to happen to you. This verse doesn’t say bad stuff might happen.God’s word is completely clear!

Meaningful friendships don’t always come easy. And there’ll be times when distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy friendships will be hard. But as you commit to stay in consistent communication with God, He’ll give you wisdom to know the difference. God wants you to have awesome friendships. He wants you to have fun with good friends. But God also knows what can happen if you choose the wrong friends. So, choose wisely!

Read more from JD HERE or visit his website: www.jeffreydean.com.

If you are thinking to yourself after reading this – I need some new friends. Check out Dawson’s blog: How to Make Friends or download your free eBook.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

by Dawson McAllister

Friendships are one of life’s greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with — someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are, is priceless. When we can have deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex, it is a tremendous gift. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are so intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.

One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex.

The Gut-wrenching Challenges to Secretly Loving your Best Friend

Laura reveals the gut-wrenching challenges she’s facing being secretly in love with her best guy friend: It’s been really hard because sometimes it seems like he likes me and sometimes it seems very obvious that we’re just friends. It’s torn my heart up on several occasions. I’m currently trying to get over him, because it’s just too hard to love him from a distance. I don’t want to lose our friendship as we’ve been through a lot together in the years we’ve known each other, but I’d rather save my heart for someone who I know is going to give me his heart fully in return.

It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love.

It’s okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are in love. But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into great marriage. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you’re friends, the more stable your relationship is going to be.

A lot of good friends can do things that romantic partners cannot. Friends usually say what they need to say to each other without fear, and good friends are more likely to be spontaneous with their activities.

Two Warnings if You Think You Are In Love With Your Best Friend

When you start to feel you are desiring more than just a casual friendship with your best friend and you’re not sure what to do next, let me offer you some advice that could strengthen both your relationship and your love for each other.

First, don’t rush into a romantic relationship with your best friend…many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your other friends.

Don’t rush into a romantic relationship with your best friend…many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your other friends.

Second, you might feel like you have to spill your guts/all your thoughts and feelings to the other person as soon as you start to feel something. That’s usually a mistake.

Javier agrees: This girl and me have known each other for nearly seven years and we have been close friends for about three. Eventually, we did start liking each other and we went out for a month and a few weeks. After that relationship ended, I didn’t feel very hurt or sad. It was odd. I found myself being freer and I got to thinking: Don’t rush into [a romantic] relationship with your best friend…many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.

Find another good friend you can trust, someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. This other friend will help you continue to show the self-control of letting a good friendship grow into an even deeper friendship. Hold your emotions, get them out in a healthy way with another friend. Why chance ruining a good thing, at least for now?

Friendship IS the start of a Real Romance

On the other hand, after you’ve been a good friend with him/her for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him/her, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything.

I think Jane has a great perspective: The only time I would recommend someone reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn’t love you, isn’t having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend that might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don’t have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already.

First and foremost, good friends should know how much each person values the other. We make the mistake of demanding that many of our relationships be all or nothing romantically. Whether the good person you are in love with ends up marrying you or not, you have had the joy of experiencing real love.

Real Love

Real love is rich, pure and self-sacrificing. To experience that kind of love with anybody is a priceless gift. May God bless you as He shows you whether your best bf/gf will become your life’s partner. In the meantime, enjoy the moment, they seldom come.

More Resources:
Still wondering if it is real love? Read How To Know It’s Really Love.

Need some ideas on how to begin dating one another? Download this free eBook.

Just Say Hi

In high school, in the mornings, on the way to my locker, while everyone else was hanging out talking to each other, I noticed this girl, always sitting alone in her homeroom classroom..every morning, just sitting by herself. I had no idea who she was; I had been at the same high school and with these same kids since middle school. I pretty much knew who everyone was but I didn’t know this girl.

Well, after a few weeks of seeing her just sitting there, not talking to anyone I decided to just say hi, it couldn’t hurt, right. I knew what it was like to be at a new school, where everyone knew each other and no one knew who-in-the-heck you were. I had to change schools last year for just half the year while my step-dad was in the hospital and now I was back at my old school but for those 6 monthsto say the least, it was challenging. So, I knew what it was like to feel completely alone in a new school.

So, I went for it and just said hi. I learned she was an exchange student from Poland. She spoke good English but with a heavy accent. After introducing her to some of my closest friends and all of us hanging out before class for a few weeks, we became friends. She told me she was living with a family that didn’t treat her or their own daughter very well. She wasn’t allowed to do after school activities or the group exchange student activities. She had a list of chores to do after school and then just had to hang out in her room. The exchange parents were also very verbally abusive to their own daughter and she had to witness it every day.

I decided this was no way for an exchange student to be living and I had to do something about it. I went directly home and asked my parents if she could move in with us. This might not be such a big deal except that we were already maxed out at my house. We lived in a pretty small three bedroom house. I shared a room with my sister, and my three brothers shared a room, my step-dad was disabled so we were very short on money so how was it all going to work.but my parents agreed.

For the next 8 months, my Polish friend slept on an air mattress on the floor between me and my sister’s bed. I tried to alternate letting her have the bed but she would not have it. She was very happy to be away from that other family. And even though my family was in no way an ideal family, she had to see us 24/7, at our best and our worst; she became one of my closest friends and part of our family for those 8 months. She went back to Poland after her year as an exchange student ended and we stayed in touch. Years later, she even wrote me a letter telling me how thankful she was for our friendship, for my family taking her in, and for that day that I decided to say hi.

You can make someone’s day by telling them come sit with us #comesitwithus or by just saying hi #JustSayHi #JustSayHello. So, the person might not be an exchange student living with an abusive family but they might just be in need of a friend.

Rachel

(Part of TheHopeLine Team)

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

How To Give Good Advice

by Dawson McAllister

HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE

I am always encouraged by the number of people who reach out to me asking how they can help their friends. I often direct them to my blog because they can find advice to pass along on many different subjects.

However, I realize that even people with the best intentions don’t always know how to offer advice in a way that is effective…in a way that others will actually listen and accept. Have you ever tried to give someone advice, but they tuned you out or got really mad at you? I have written this blog to provide some important tips for how to give good advice that is effective. This is a crucial place to start because unless someone is going to actually listen to what you have to say, your advice will not be effective.

4 Steps to Giving EFFECTIVE Advice

LISTEN. This is SO important. Unless a person feels heard and understood, they will never trust the advice you are giving. You must take time to gain an understanding of where they are coming from. Ask them questions to show you really desire to understand. Then state back to them what you’ve heard them say by summarizing, “So what I hear you saying is..Is that right?” This way you are both sure you are on the same page and they know you understand them.
ENCOURAGE. This is another important step that cannot be hurried over. Before diving into any advice, encourage them in some way. Tell them that you believe in them, or encourage them that there is help available. Unless you start with encouragement, they may be stuck in such a negative place that they have no hope of things ever changing. And then, when you offer them advice they might not believe they are capable of acting on any of it. However, offering encouragement opens the door to HOPE and prepares them to be ready to hear what you have to say. So find SOMETHING to encourage them with. You can focus on a past success or the potential they have. Or here are some other examples…”It was an important first step to admit what your struggle was.” “You sound like you are really ready to make some good choices.” “You are not alone.” “There are people who can help you and I’m here for you too.”
ADVISE. The best way to give advice is through getting their involvement in deciding what they should do and influencing their thinking in a positive way.Involvement – In order to have people buy into any advice you are giving, they need to be involved in the discussion and the decision. If you can get them to arrive at the decision of what to do next on their own…so that it is their idea, they will be much more committed to the decision and more likely to follow through. In all my years of talking with people, I have found that much of the time they know the right thing to do, they just need someone to confirm it for them. Here are some ways to involve them:
- Ask them what they’ve already done to try to better their situation and why it may or may not have helped.
- Ask them what else they think might be helpful.
- Offer a suggestion of your own and ask them what they think about that idea.
Influencing – As they come up with ideas you can influence them toward or away from what they are thinking based on whether or not it is a good decision through asking more questions. Questions like this are often helpful in influencing their decision:
- What do you think would happen if you did this?
- How do you think you would feel afterwards?
- Why do you think that is a good idea?
PRAY for them and with them. I believe that with God’s power anything is possible. Any situation can be solved, any addiction broken, any heart mended, any wrong made right. Maybe not immediately and maybe not how we thought, but God tells us to bring our requests to Him. So PRAY and let them hear you pray! Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

5 Things to AVOID When Giving Advice

Being Judgmental – Nobody will ever confide in you if they feel that you are going to judge them. You don’t know what they have experienced. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Preaching – Do not just talk atsomeone. Involve them in the discussion through lots of questions and listening.
Offering a solution too quickly – It is important to really listen and gain a full understanding of all that they are struggling with, what their perspective is, and what they’ve already done to try to fix the situation. By saying, “Just do this and it will all be better,” you minimize a problem they may have been struggling with for a long time.
Gossiping – If they are afraid you won’t keep their confidence, they will not tell you anything.
Thinking you are going to fixthem or their situation – It is not up to you to fix anything. You just need to be a safe place where they can talk, receive support, and hear a new perspective on their situation.

It is also important to be able to recognize common thinking errors and know how to challenge them as the advice giver.

5 COMMON THINKING ERRORS

Over Generalization – Example: NOBODY likes me.
Challenge: Look for exceptions to the rule. “Well, John likes you.”
Jumping to Conclusions – Example: He crossed the road to avoid me.
Challenge: Reality checking – “How do you know he crossed the road to avoid you? What other explanations could there be?”
Catastrophizing – Example: The meal was a complete disaster. They will NEVER talk to me again.
Challenge – “How likely is it that your all your friends will turn against you if your cooking is not perfect?”
All or Nothing – Example: The things I do are successful or a failure; perfect or disastrous; right or wrong.
Challenge – Put a third option in between the two extremes – Successful, Good but needs a few improvements, failure.
Turning a Positive into a Negative – Example: She would not be so kind to me if she knew what I was really like.
Challenge – Point out the positive then challenge the evidence used to make it a negative – “Maybe she does not know you completely, but she really likes what you did.”

(Adapted from: http://www.psychodelights.com/pdfs/thoughtchallenge.pdf)

I hope these tips will help as you reach out to make a difference in the lives of those around you!

Our ebooks can help you learn more on specific topics and issues your friend may be experiencing. For example, check out this ebook on Self-Worth and Self-Hate.

How To Help A Suicidal Friend

by Dawson McAllister

If you know someone who has thought about ending their life by suicide, you realize how hard it is to know what to say or do about it.

Are they just joking? Do they just want attention? Or is something serious going on? The truth is, most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but people around them are either unaware of the significance of those warnings or don’t know how to respond to them.

Kendra said she has thought about killing herself many times:

If I don’t have anyone to talk to once in a while, to get my feelings out, I get really sad, because I feel like no one cares about me. I think about what would people think if I was dead, or would they be happier without me? I’d hate to think Kendra, or someone like her, would kill herself because she feels no one ever showed her they cared. Perhaps you have a friend like Kendra who has said some things to you that sounded like she or he might be deeply depressed, or even suicidal. It’s very important to recognize those signs.

Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions.

Here are some of the signs to watch for. A suicidal friend may:

Talk about suicide, death, and/or having no reason to live
Withdraw from friends or social activities
Experience drastic changes in behavior
Lose interest in hobbies, work, school, etc.
Give away prized possessions
Lose interest in their personal appearance
Express a deep sense of hopelessness
Increase in drug or alcohol use
A deep sense of serenity, or being at peace
Complain about being a bad person or feeling rotten inside

They may even be desperate enough to say something like…

If I killed myself, then people would be sorry
If I wasn’t around, no one would miss me
All of my problems will end soon
I won’t be a problem for you much longer
Nothing matters; it’s no use
I won’t see you again

Make sure you take any threat of suicide seriously.

So what can you do to help someone who has suicidal thoughts?

Get involved. Be available. Show interest and support.
Don’t be afraid to talk with them about suicide. Talking about it does not make it worse, but better. Be direct. Talk openly and freely about suicide.
Be willing to listen without judgement. Ask, “Tell me what you are feeling?”
Assure them that you understand that what they are feeling is very real to them, but that they are NOT alone.
Let them know you aren’t going to abandon them.
If they haven’t brought it up, but you are concerned they are thinking about suicide, ask them directly. Here’s an example how, “Sometimes when people feel they way you are describing they have thoughts of suicide. Is this true with you?” If they are, this gives them permission to talk about it and actually brings relief because someone else brought it up. If they aren’t, they will rush to assure you they aren’t.
Ask if they have a plan. If so, take them seriously and move quickly to get help. Remove anything that would help them carry out their plan guns, drugs, alcohol, knives, etc.
Offer hope that alternatives are available.
Provide them with a list of suicide prevention resources.
Help them fill out the Suicide Safety Plan.

Things to Avoid Saying/Doing to Someone Talking About Suicide.

“I think you’re just bluffing. I don’t believe you.”
Don’t act shocked.
“You’re not serious. Your just looking for attention?”
It is not helpful to just rattle off a list of reasons to live without first listening to what they are feeling.
Don’t dismiss what they are feeling. It is very real to them.
Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Get support.

Nicole said her sister saved her when she felt suicidal: Because of her, I am still here. If you know anyone who you may think have depression or suicidal thoughts ask him or her if everything is okay and comfort them.

The Most Important Thing You Can Do

It is not so much about WHAT you say. The most important thing you can do is reassure your friend that you love them.

That’s what happened when Heather was feeling suicidal: I told [my friend] what was going on and he just kept telling me that he cared, that it wasn’t the right thing for me, that I had so much more to do with my life. But the thing that helped me was that he said he loved me. I had felt so alone and no one had told me that in awhile not even my mom. Remind your friend that no matter how awful their problems seem, they can be worked out, and you are willing to help.

Get involved. Be available. Show love. Click To Tweet

Please make sure you take any threat seriously from a suicidal friend. Of all the people who have died by suicide, 80% have given some kind of warning. A person who you feel is high risk for suicide should never be left alone, if even for a moment. Keep talking to that person, and stay with him or her. Don’t feel like you have to handle this on your own. Get help from individuals or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention. We’ve also created a list of helpful blogs, videos, downloads and more which you can view here: Suicide Resources

Most times a suicidal person needs someone close to them to be a voice of hope. Amberly agrees: Sometimes all you need is to be loved and know someone is there to catch you when you are about to fall. You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love. Your efforts might just save someone’s life.

You could very well be that voice of hope to someone you love. Click To Tweet

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

How To Make Friends

by Dawson McAllister

The Effort is Well Worth the Reward

Some people find making friends to be a very difficult task. It doesn’t have to be, but it does require patience, love, and commitment.

I often say on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, that it is incredibly valuable to have good friends. Friends will enrich your life and be the anchors that keep you grounded when everything else around you seems to be out of control.

But what if you’re at a new school, or maybe starting a new job and you don’t know anyone. The sooner you learn how to make friends, the more fulfilling your life will be. So, how do you make new friends?

4 Steps to Making Friends

1) Spend more time around people with similar interests. You can’t make friends sitting at home watching TV. Sooner or later, you have to move out into unchartered waters…the real world where things can sometimes be unpredictable and uncomfortable. The best way to work through this is to stare down your fears and take the plunge. It may not be a great experience the first time, but if you keep at it, you will attract people to yourself.

The easiest way to make friends is to get involved in activities that you are comfortable with. You will find people with similar interests, and the relationships will develop naturally.

Volunteer somewhere – when you work together with other people on a common goal, you will develop friendships more rapidly.
Join a club – here’s where to find a group of people with similar interests and interact with them while you do what you love.
Join a sports team – this is a great way to make friends as you compete against an opponent.

Shana said, Having a goal you share with other people, even strangers, will draw you together. I went on a missions trip with people from my church and we all became really great friends. Shana is right. She took her eyes off herself and her own fears, and found new friends who all had a common goal.

2) Reach out to people – You can join all the clubs or teams in the world and you’ll never make friends with anyone if you don’t reach out to others. Remember, everybody needs encouragement and attention, even small words of kindness will make a difference. You can talk to people anywhere…at church, in class, at the gym, at your job or just about anyplace. Ask people questions about themselves and take an honest interest in them. People are most concerned about themselves, therefore, reaching into their world with genuine interest will bring you friends.

Jessie said, People sometimes think you’re crazy for talking to strangers. But being nice to other people is a great way to live. And it’s a great way to make new friends.

How to Make Friends - Ask people about their lives and take an honest interest in them. Click To Tweet

3) Make efforts to get together – When you meet someone you find interesting, be courageous enough to ask him or her to meet with you at another time. Make a future plan. It’s easy enough to say “We should do this again sometime.” But make sure to follow it up with an actual planned date and time. It’s a great way to find out if the other person is open to having your friendship. Don’t ever try to pressure anyone into getting together with you. But be honest and sincere about your desire to get to know them.

4) Be a good friend – Some people have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends. What is the difference between friends and acquaintances? An acquaintance is someone you might see everyday, and you might even have conversations with her or him, but it usually doesn’t go beyond friendly, superficial talk. If you’re looking for a good friend, you will have to work harder and go deeper than just saying hi to everybody. A good friend is available, reliable, and trustworthy, and also a great listener.

Wade said, I don’t want any friends who don’t care what goes on with me. If someone wants to show me they’re a good friend they will ask me about what I’m thinking and feeling.

A good friend is available, reliable, and trustworthy. Click To Tweet

Just remember, there are many people all around you who are waiting to make new friends as well. Make it your goal to find them. It takes a while to develop friends, so be patient, it will work out. If you often feel socially awkward, read my blog on Overcoming Social Anxiety for additional tips that will help you to be more outgoing.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

Letting Friends Control Your Relationship

by Dawson McAllister

Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid, such as getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend.

Should Friends Control Your Relationships?

I’m excited about the many questions you continue to ask me about the opposite sex. As you learn more and more about what makes a healthy relationship, and positive ways to address conflict, life will be so much more about love and understanding, rather than about hurt, confusion and drama. That’s my goal with these blogs. Here’s another amazing question.

John asked: I’m going out with a girl right now, but I like another girl. My girlfriend suspects me, and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if I break up with her. What do I do?

DAWSON: This is partly a question about how to break-up with your girlfriend. But it also sounds like you are trying to deal with your true emotions in an honest way, and not let other people tell you what to do. Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupidlike getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend. Other times, they have their own selfish reasons for you to stay in a certain relationship. It’s good to listen to, and weigh the advice other people tell you. Find out why they want you to stay together with your girlfriend. They might have really good reasons, or they might not.

You might feel like you’re trapped in your current relationship, and you’re wondering if there’s anything there worth holding onto. You should communicate with your current girlfriend about what you’re feeling, instead of ignoring her, while you fantasize about this new girl. Honesty is always the best policy.

I have to say, though, that just because you found a better girl who you are starting to like, doesn’t automatically mean it’s okay to dump your current girlfriend. A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment. You need to be careful what kind of reputation you could develop if you start going from one girl to the next. You’ll soon find most girls won’t bother to trust you with much of anything. Communicate with your current girlfriend, talk to friends you can trust, and strive to be the most committed, trustworthy boyfriend you can possibly be. After you’ve made your decision, hold your head high. Only you can answer for you.

QUESTION #40) Elizabeth asked: When we first got together, my boyfriend told me he would never make comments about how attractive other women are, as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, I’d do her’ or She’s hot.’ Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?

If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him.

DAWSON: Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you. It’s one thing to innocently comment about how attractive another person is, but it’s completely inappropriate to say things he’d like to do sexually with another person. It’s the height of disrespect. Your boyfriend is immature, at best. And a would-be player, at worst. Imagine if you were enjoying a great dinner with your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but stare at another person eating at another table, and then you said, I sure wish I was eating dinner at that table, instead of with you!That’s basically what he’s saying to you.

This should be a trust and respect issue with you. Has he given you any other signs he is not trustworthy? If nothing else, your boyfriend needs to learn how to respect you better.

Be very clear with him about how serious of an issue this is. Give him a chance to work on it. If he shows he’s sorry and wanting to work on his problem, then you should be patient with him. If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s really saying his relationship with you isn’t all that important to him, and it’s probably time for you to move on.

Please send me the question you have about the opposite sex in the comment section below. You’ll find a lot of great questions and answers on the main blog page, so check that out, as well. I look forward to hearing from you.

Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine® to learn more about healthy principles of dating.

Moving Beyond Just Friends

by Dawson McAllister

When Should You Move Beyond Just Friends?

Is it possible you are falling in love with your best friend? When did it suddenly become a romance? Can you relate to Joshua?
Joshua asked: I really like this girl and she really likes me. We keep telling each other we love one another and we would like to go out but we don’t want to mess up our friendship if anything goes wrong in the relationship. What should I do?

You are in a really great place with your friend. Most people should be so fortunate. But it sounds like you’re wondering what might be next for your relationship, or what it might look like to take things to the next level. The first thing you should do is have a talk with her about what it would mean for you to start dating each other. Does that mean you’re going to start spending more time together? Are you committing to being exclusive with each other? You both might have entirely different ideas about what a dating relationship would look like. By exclusive dating you are telling each other I’m yours. But don’t fall into the trap that thinks being physical with each other needs to be the next step. Almost all heavily sexual dating relationships self-destruct.

Don’t forget to keep having fun. Sometimes when you start dating the relationship can feel heavy and serious. This is all the more reason to remind yourself of how much you enjoy just being with each other. And most importantly, keep communicating with each other. Make a pact with each other that if at any time one of you feels uncomfortable, you will talk about it, and make adjustments to fix what is causing the discomfort. Take your time with all this, and experience all the good things already present in the relationship. Don’t worry about trying to stir up more feelings by calling it a dating relationship. Be happy with the great thing the two of you already have.

Ginger asked: Whenever I find a guy I’m interested in I start talking to him in a friendship kind of way, but that’s all it turns into, friendship. Any advice?

Sounds like you’re great at making friends with people of the opposite sex. This is a fantastic gift many people don’t develop. Having a great friend is priceless. But you’re probably wondering how to turn a good friend into a boyfriend. The reality is that not everyone you’re attracted to as a friend is going to be attracted to you. You can’t control who is attracted to you, but you can control how attractive you are.

Guys are attracted to a girl who takes care of herself, someone who is confident, yet still takes time to show that she respects him. Most guys like a girl who works to make herself more beautiful both inside and out.

Sometimes a girl can put so much energy into trying to show a guy how much she likes him that she appears to not have much of a life outside of her desire to be in a relationship. This is definitely a turn-off to both sexes. Guys like girls with a bit of mystery about them. They like a challenge. Guys usually don’t want the girl that everyone can have, so don’t trap your friend into making him want to have a dating relationship with you.

Keep paying attention to the people around you. But more importantly, live life to the fullest. This will make you even more attractive.

Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine® to learn more about healthy principles of dating.

Is My Best Friend Falling For Me?

by Dawson McAllister

I talk a lot about how people seem to be in such a hurry to rush into a dating relationship. I always emphasize how important it is to develop a strong friendship as a foundation before heading into romance. Say you’ve done this, what’s next?

Lucy asked our first ‘best guy friend’ question below:

Does my best guy friend like me as more than just a friend?

And how do I know if he is falling in love with me?

Maybe you are wondering, “Is this really love?”

DAWSON: Friendship and dating are very important. In the end, best friends make great marriages. That being said, since you didn’t say what your feelings are for this guy, I’m guessing you don’t have romantic feelings for him. So for him, this is unquestionably a very delicate situation.

If he is actually falling in love with you, he’s probably scared and nervous about you finding out, since he doesn’t know how you’ll respond.

Someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

He doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the friendship you already have. That’s a good thing. Friendships are priceless and need protecting and nurturing so they will grow.

Here are a couple of questions you may want to ask yourself.

When you talk with your friend about other people who you are dating, or are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging, or does he become quiet and distant? A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.
Does he want to spend time only with you, or is he okay doing things with you together with others? A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

In the end, you will need to communicate with each other and define what your relationship really is.

Even though it may hurt him, if you don’t have the same feelings for him that he has for you, knowing the truth is always better than not.

However you feel about him, I’m sure what you tell him will be filled with love and respect. After all, a good close friend of the opposite sex is priceless.

Rebecca brings us our next question about moving from friendship to dating:

How can you tell if the friendship SHOULD go on to the next level?

With a friendship based on honesty and trust, you will be able to face the challenge of being vulnerable.

DAWSON: The decision to take a friendship to the next level, from friendship to a dating relationship, has to be a mutual decision. Both sides have to agree they want to go deeper with the other person.

But as I often say, these things have to be talked out, even though you are best of friends. Unless they are talked out, there can be confusion and hurt feelings. So whoever brings up the subject has put themselves in somewhat of a vulnerable position. Yet, good friendships can endure these trying times.

The best thing I can tell you is to be patient. Let the relationship grow, and when you feel like you’re ready, I’d encourage you to find a time when the two of you are alone, and try bringing up the topic. With a friendship based on honesty and trust, you will be able to face the challenge of being vulnerable.

The Right Thing to Say:

Try saying something like, “You’re a great friend, and I don’t ever want that to change. And honestly, I’ve always wondered if this friendship would ever turn into something deeper. But I’m not sure how we would know. Do you have any ideas?” Asking him for his opinion is a great way to show you value what he thinks and feels, and you’ll find out if you’re on track.

Let’s assume for a moment your guy friend agrees with you about taking the relationship to the next level. What then should you do? I would encourage you to sit down together and make a list of the things you have been doing that have made your friendship so strong. Commit to keep doing them, and your relationship will automatically grow. But be extremely careful about becoming very affectionate and sexual with each other. I have seen so many potentially great relationships ruined by the misuse of sex. As someone once said, if you settle for cheap sex, you will never discover priceless love.

If you settle for cheap sex, you will never discover priceless love.

Life is short. So be open and honest with your feelings, but be prepared for them not to be reciprocated. But with him knowing how you feel, you very well might open the door for him to start seeing you in a different, more romantic light.

For more insight into the opposite sex download one of our free eBooks today.

9 Tips for Being a Great Friend

by Dawson McAllister

I never thought I would blog on being a great friend. But I am amazed how many people call my show, Dawson McAllister Live, who down deep are lonely and need a good friend. The fact of the matter is we are all wired for meaningful relationships. Studies show if you have good friends throughout your life, you will live longer.

There is a lot of truth behind the common saying, In order to have a great friend, you must first be one.So how can you learn to be a great friend? What does it take? Here are some qualities of a great friend. As you learn how to be a good friend, in turn, you’ll be teaching your friends how to become better ones.

In order to have a great friend, you must first be one.#friendship #goals Click To Tweet

Here are 9 Ways You Can Become a Great Friend:

Be real. People are turned off by those who are constantly trying to be someone they are not. We are most comfortable around others who are comfortable in their own skin. So just be yourself. Even though you aren’t perfect, the way you handle your strengths and faults with humility and confidence will give other people permission to be real and relaxed with you, as well. Real friends are relaxed around each other.
Be honest. Keep your promises and do what you say you’re going to do. Be reliable. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who lies. And lies always have a way of coming to the light. Also, friends will say the truth to one another, even when it’s hard. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Shannon got caught up in an eating disorder, until her friend called her out: I was addicted to being skinny and looking absolutely perfect. I never really understood what I was actually doing to myself until a good friend of mine talked to me about it.
Take an interest in the details of your friend’s life by being a good listener. Don’t watch television or text while your friend is sharing something with you. Most times people need more than good advice, they need someone to listen to them as they talk through their feelings. Ask them what’s going on in their life and how they feel. Mari commented: Kyler is my best friend because he listens. No matter what is going on he is genuinely interested in how I am. He always has my back and would drop everything if I needed him.
Make time for your friend. Time is one of the greatest gifts we possess. When we share extra time with a friend, we are giving back to them that gift. No friendship can develop overnight. It takes time. A real friend will take that time.
Keep their secrets. Prove yourself to be a trustworthy person who will guard their secrets with your life. A good way to prove you are trustworthy is to be free to share some of your own secrets with your friend. King Solomon also said: Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. Are you willing to be a friend like that?
Encourage your friend. Everyone needs encouragement. Find specific ways to encourage your friend. Even in the depths of their struggles, show them what you see to be special about them and be willing to pick them up when they are depressed or feel like life is pressing in on them from all sides.
Be loyal to your friend. This is an unconditional acceptance, even when your friend makes a mistake or really screws up. Be there when they are experiencing their highest highs and their lowest lows. Laugh with them, cry with them, don’t just talk about always being there. Prove it in your everyday life! Delaney wrote to me and said: I have great friends who are always there for me and always know how to make me happy.
Be willing to work through conflict. Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.
Watch out for your friend. When you see your friend getting into a dangerous situation whether it’s with drugs or alcohol, or maybe even a destructive relationship, be bold enough to step in and protect your friend from the harm you see coming their way. Narda commented: My best friend is more than a best friend, she’s more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each others back, now and forever.

Friends will say the truth to one another, even when it’s hard. #friendship #goals Click To Tweet

It takes a lot of work and commitment to be a great friend. But it is worth it. Keep in mind there are people all around you who are looking for friends. So continue developing good friends and your life will be far better for it.

Are you experiencing some challenges with friendships? Download your free eBook for additional help:

4 Challenges To Being Just Friends

by Dawson McAllister

“Just Friends”

I’m more convinced than ever that every person needs at least one Just Friends experience. I’ve been blogging a lot lately about Just Friends. A Just Friend is a friend from the opposite sex you treat just like any friend, but without the girlfriend/boyfriend drama. I’m more convinced than ever that every person needs at least one Just Friends experience. I would guess however, that less than 50% have a Just Friends relationship. There’s a reason for this. Just Friends relationships have to overcome several challenges before they can become successful.

The Challenges To Protecting A “Just Friends” Relationship

The Culture Challenge
Think about all the movies you have seen that have to do with two people from the opposite sex. The messages we get from culture are often shallow and in some cases just flat out wrong.
In almost every movie they meet, supposedly fall in love, have sex, get mad at each other, get back together, and live happily ever after. Almost no movie or pop song talks about two people meeting each other and becoming best friends without the sex and drama. So after you’ve seen all these movies and listened to all the songs you begin to say, I guess that’s the only relationship I can have, a romantic relationship.But the messages we get from culture are often shallow and in some cases just flat out wrong. Yes we can have Just Friends relationships. They are not easy, but they are worth the work.
The Developing Feelings Challenge
It is very important when you first start a Just Friends relationship that you and your new friend clearly define what this relationship is and is not. Unless there is a very clear understanding about your friendship, there is bound to be confusion over changing emotions from friendship to romance. Having these discussions where you talk about your feelings is not easy to do, but it is the only way to clear up any confusion that could turn from romantic feelings to hurt feelings.

Lately, one of my male friends in particular asked my advice about getting back with his ex and I told him it was a terrible idea, but he went ahead anyway and it hurts really badly and I asked myself why? because usually I just give my opinion and not care what the other person does. Then I realized that it was because I had feelings for him that I wasn’t ready to admit.-Nikki

Nikki is very wise. She is in touch with her emotions and no doubt has already talked to her best friend about these issues. Even though she has feelings for her Just Friend, there’s a good chance the relationship will last.
The Sexual Tension Challenge
It is very easy for sexual tension to enter a Just Friends relationship. This is because as you get closer to someone, it’s easy to become more affectionate. So there ends up being more hugs, kisses, and touching than what is appropriate for a Just Friends relationship. When this happens, there is tremendous confusion and tension in the relationship. Unless the sexual tension situation is talked out and boundaries are set, most Just Friends relationships end.

If you take a look at the bigger picture, when there is sexual tension in that friendship, most of the time we end up losing a friend. -Heather
The Challenge of Being Misunderstood By Others A final challenge to a Just Friends relationship is other people misunderstanding your friendship. It’s hard for some people to even understand a Just Friends relationship, must less accept it. It seems like everybody who sees two people from the opposite sex together hanging out must have a romantic relationship. And so they will say all these smart things about your relationship that puts pressure on both of you. Just remember when people make negative comments about your Just Friends relationships, they are the ones losing out, not you.

I want to challenge you to try and start developing a Just Friends relationship. Yes, they are challenging and you must show respect and discipline in them, but the advantages of a Just Friends relationship far out weigh the difficulties. Allow me to list a few rules you need to follow to help protect your Just Friends relationship.

Have a conversation with your friend setting the boundaries for the friendship in the beginning.
Never give into physical attraction you may feel, as there may be no point of return and the friendship is ruined forever.
If you know your friend likes you, never taken advantage of those feelings for your own benefit.
Remember your friend is of the opposite sex and some of your opinions and perspectives will differ. Respect your friend for their different opinions.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

Friends With Benefits

by Dawson McAllister

I have decided to blog on the whole subject of “friends with benefits” because it has become so huge in our culture, especially among high school and college students. Plus, the phrase itself got me thinking. I mean, who really benefits? Is it a 50/50 benefit? What is the actual BENEFIT?

Can there be friends with benefits and still friends after the benefits are gone? Can someone have sex, even casual sex, without it affecting them emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc? Your comments have helped me better understand the entire issue. After all I’ve heard on my show and read in your comments, it’s worth talking about.

So what are friends with benefits?

Here’s one definition I found: A friend with benefits is a casual relationship between two people who engage in sex without demanding or expecting a more committed, romantic relationship.

There are other ways you could define “friends with benefits”:

It’s sex with a friend…

With no strings attached.
Just for fun.
Without romantic drama.
Whenever you want it.
Without emotional attachment.

One student described “friends with benefits” like this, “You know, you go out on a date – dinner and a movie sometimes. You know, just as friends. And then afterwards, there’s the benefits. It’s like a drug almost. You know where you can get it and you know where you can get it CHEAP. And that’s where you go.” It is “like a drug” and it is “cheap”. Those are not words I would use to describe a meaningful relationship that is mutually rewarding and beneficial.

Christina gave a female’s perspective of what she thought “friends with benefits” are, “I am currently in a friends with benefits thing, but it’s more like we’re casual sex partners. I wasn’t sure it was possible, because I tend to get really attached, but managed to stay distant.” “Casual” and “distant” also don’t describe a meaningful relationship with healthy benefits.

Why Do People Want “Friends With Benefits”?

No Commitment
There are some people who are fearful of a committed relationship. To them, commitment is something scary. Maybe they have been abandoned in the past or hurt by someone they committed themselves to and so now they are afraid to trust anyone again. Because of their fear they miss out on a true meaningful relationship. You can read more about abandonment issues here.
Fear of Rejection
There are many people who are afraid of being rejected. This is especially true in romantic relationships. Some people have been rejected by parents or bullies at school. These people are very cautious about relationships. Jennifer explained it well, “I think a lot of people have friends with benefits instead of relationships because they don’t want to get close to anyone for fear of getting hurt.”
It’s A Drug
Physiologically the act of sex causes a chemical reaction in the brain that is similar to a drug effect. God designed this for a committed relationship to draw two people together for life. When it is used casually it becomes a dangerous and unhealthy addiction rather than a relationship. Read more about addiction here.

It is easy to see why so many people might think they want a “friend with benefits” experience. The reality is they walk away from it completely unfulfilled or even deeply hurt. The problem is they are not dealing with the real issue, which is healing from past experiences and relationships.

Friendship

Listen

Affirm

Encourage

Learn

Share Quality Time

Check In

Pray

Find Out More

If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!

I Was Shook By My Best Friend’s Suicide

I Am Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

My Best Friend’s Suicide Was a Whole Other Type of Hurt

Suicide Doesn’t End the Pain

Reach Out and Talk to Someone About Your Thoughts of Suicide

What Keeps You from Meaningful Relationships?

Feeling Alone can be Overwhelming

Girls Don’t Seem to Like Her

Afraid to Reach Out

Show Yourself Friendly

Grief and Loneliness

God’s Help for Loneliness

Be a Good Friend

Shared Experiences

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Resources for help with LONELINESS:

Would you consider doing something for me?

One last thing,

The Hard Times Were the Best Times Because…

In This Episode:

Looking for Purpose

Played by Her Boyfriend

Jealousy Is Tearing Her Apart

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Resources to help you with finding purpose and relationship struggles:

Would you consider doing something for me?

One last thing,

Just Friends vs. Dating

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

Quality Relationships

No Pressure

Loneliness is On the Rise

What is Situational Loneliness?

What is Chronic Loneliness?

10 Tips To End Loneliness

For more information on loneliness including additional tips, causes, health risks, a loneliness quiz, and combating loneliness in marriage download our free eBook.

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

These are a few red flags of a toxic relationship:

For information on how to meet, make, and maintain good friendships, check out:

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

Talk It Out with your Best Friend

Don’t Get Defensive

Ask What You Can Do

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong

Give It Time

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

Try These Tips to Be a Good Mentor

8 Tips For Being a Good Mentor:

Have you mentored someone and found it impacted your own life? Tell us how. Do you have a friend or are you mentoring someone dealing with self-worth issues? Download our eBook for ways to understand and help them.

Jasman’s Story:

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

So Many People in My Life Were Struggling

I didn’t know how to help them. I didn’t know what to say, so I talked their ears off and said all the wrong things.

But Depression is REAL

Just Listen and Love

It’s Not About You

Validate What They Are Feeling

We all want it. A deep meaningful relationship.

Here’s why…

For more information on how to understand why you are making the dating choices you are and how to make better ones, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.

Choose Friends Wisely

If you are thinking to yourself after reading this – I need some new friends. Check out Dawson’s blog: How to Make Friends or download your free eBook.

The Gut-wrenching Challenges to Secretly Loving your Best Friend

Two Warnings if You Think You Are In Love With Your Best Friend

Friendship IS the start of a Real Romance

Real Love

Need some ideas on how to begin dating one another? Download this free eBook.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend. thl.cta.load("74435630859ca73a8592935.96176422");

HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE

Here are some of the signs to watch for. A suicidal friend may:

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.