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Military Relationships- I Didn’t Sign Up for This!

by Dawson McAllister

Let’s Be Honest, Military Relationships Are Tough

Maybe when you first fell in love you did not know the military life would be in your future, but here you are anyway. Either you or your bf-gf is enlisted and it is really hard on your military romance hardrelationship right now. If you are looking for some specific ways to survive military deployment read this blog

Do you agree with Ashley that a military relationship can work?

Ashley wrote: “The military life is a hard one, but if you love someone enough then it’s not hard to be faithful. Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military. It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse.”

We get a lot of calls from people who are in a relationship with someone in the military, so I’ve asked Captain Mike Jones to join me on these next few blog posts.centerstone military relationships Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was also the co-founder of “Not Alone,” which was founded to empower military families and give soldiers, veterans and those who love them a central resource for free, confidential information, support and access to healthcare professionals.” (“Not Alone” is now a part of “Centerstone Military Services“)

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Do You Feel Like You Are Living In Two Different Worlds?

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands for Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that’s just the A’s. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they’re not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds. Will they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

A Strong Foundation Will Become Stronger

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what’s really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all it’s difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson:  Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don’t know but what they do know the things they have  suddenly come to realize. It’s not unusual for some to throw in the comment: I didn’t sign up for this!

Mike: I’ve heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier’s time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It’s not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal
whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, I didn’t sign up for this!

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

You Can Survive AND Thrive

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you’re right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could do their thing in the military, while the other continues to do their thing in the civilian world unaffected. So, yes, the solider and spouse need to sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do you see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike:  There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about such as college tuition, seeing the world… that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kinds of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe being part of (another) family might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and they build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That’s what many are afraid of, heading off in different directions.

Mike:  Yes, but is doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can to embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.
Additional resources for military relationships:
How To Survive Homecoming
The Dreaded Deployment
For more help, please visit our partner resource, Centerstone Military Services.

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it by downloading your free eBook.

Your Relationship Can Survive Military Deployment

by Dawson McAllister

dreaded deployment
If you quickly open a soda, there is some chance the contents will foam up and spill over the top. Shake that bottle for thirty seconds before removing the top and you’ll have a much more intense experience. Talking with people about relationships with loved ones in the military is like opening a bottle that has been violently shaken. The pressure inside is so great that the questions and experiences come out fast and strong, and they spew in every direction.

Here are some of the comments I have received about deployment and its impact on relationships.
Anonymous wrote: Guys usually don’t communicate the way women do. I know my husband loves me and missed me on deployments. Did he ever write that in a letter? No. The best I would get was a “miss you Babe” on a phone call.

Fadeintoyou82 wrote: My boyfriend is deployed. We had been together for 7 months before he left. Everything was going great the first half of the deployment, then out of nowhere he starts to become distant and disconnected. Then he tells me that he doesn’t know if he has the same feelings for me anymore.

HappyLittleGirl wrote: I am experiencing my first deployment away from the most fantastic man I’ve ever met besides my father. We’ve been dating for 8 months and love each other. He’s in the Navy and deployed somewhere in the Middle East… I love him dearly and I know he loves me… but I worry that he doesn’t miss me.

nicolem28 wrote: I’m engaged to an AF guy and he’s been gone 50% of our relationship. This trip he’s on now has been awful since he has minimal communication opportunities, so I understand how the doubt can creep in.

Lyndsey wrote: Military relationships are special. if they make it through the training and first deployment they can make it through anything.

Your Relationship Can Survive Military Deployment

I’ve asked one of our partners, Mike Jones, to talk about loved ones on deployment. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mike shares openly about some of the struggles and how to overcome them when your loved one is deployed.

    1. Coping with Lack of Communication
      Dawson: It seems that with a lot of our callers the lack of communication with a deployed spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is what puts a lot of pressure on relationships.Mike: Communication with those back home is difficult for several reasons. A lot of time soldiers are in isolated situations with limited or command-only communications. If you’re front line like infantry soldiers, you are busy 24-7-365-360 (every hour, every day of the year, all around you). You’re either on patrol, on guard duty, or crashing. There’s very little down time, but even then, the enemy may decide it’s time to lob a few mortars or attack the compound. A lot of that down time is focused on getting ready to go again.

courage beyond military
Dawson: Perhaps it’s more than just the number of emails or the amount of talk-time. If couples really don’t understand or feel what the other is going through, they’ll still have a disconnect whether they communicate a lot or a little.

  1. Importance of Situational Awareness
    Mike: It’s really important for those at home to try to gain some situational awareness regarding their deployed soldier. Talking to other experienced military spouses helps. One of the things to understand is that a soldier needs to stay completely focused on the assignment at hand… not home, not family, not kids, not you… their assignment. If their heads are not intensely focused and in the game, someone can get hurt. Even when a unit is just walking down a road everyone is looking in a prescribed direction for particular things. If one soldier loses intense mental focus and is not looking the right way, you have a sector uncovered. Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on.
  2. Struggles in Switching Modes
    Mike: Also, there are times when soldiers don’t seem to have much to say. Spouses need to understand that it’s hard sometimes to switch back from being warrior to being relational. And sometimes they can’t talk about what’s going on because it’s either too hard on them or they fear it will be too hard on you.Dawson: Do deployed soldiers typically feel guilty about being away from home and family?Mike: Mostly they are so engaged with what they’re doing that they don’t have time for that. But in some cases; yes. If you’ve got a deployed soldier feeling guilty about being away, the last thing they need to hear is complaining about problems at home.
  3. Focusing on Home can be Difficult
    Dawson: While it’s difficult for loved ones to understand what their deployed soldier is going through, by comparison is it much easier for soldiers to understand what it is like at home?Mike: No, not true at all. Some soldiers have no clue about how difficult it is for those at home. Like I said before, some soldiers have a harder time flipping the mental switch from combat focus to home-life focus. Their life in a combat zone is so intense, fear mixed with exhilaration, a sense of mission accomplishment mixed with the pain of losing a comrade. Problems at home that are huge to their loved ones may seem trivial compared to the combat zone. Again, the more loved ones can gain some situation awareness about these things, the easier deployments will become, particularly combat deployments.
Soldiers are trained to switch off everything else when the mission is on. #soldier Click To Tweet

A Suggested Conversation with a Deployed Loved One

Dawson: Do you have suggestions for how loved ones should approach those rare, unscheduled, middle-of-the-night phone calls?

Mike: Maybe something along these lines: Honey, we’re okay here. We’ve had a problem with _____, but we’ve got it under control. Mom and dad are helping, and so is my brother. The FRG (Family Resource Group) is there when I need to talk about Army stuff. We’re all good. I love you (i.e. don’t be concerned about me being unfaithful). Be safe, stay focused, we’re all going to get through this!
(NOTE: TheHopeLine® partners with Centerstone Military Services for additional resources for military personnel and their families.)

Be safe, stay focused, we're all going to get through this! #militarylife Click To Tweet

Strong Spouses and Loved Ones

Dawson: It sounds like the soldiers and their loved ones all have their individual battles to fight.

Mike: Very true.Spouses, parents, children, girlfriends or boyfriends all have different types of battles to fight, but you all go to war together as a team. If you can hang onto that kind of perspective, things are going to be a lot easier. The worst thing is fighting the battle of deployment and fighting one another at the same time.

Check out Nicole’s 7 Great Ideas to help your relationship survive military deployment:

“I am in a relationship with a man who his spending the next six months deployed. This is our first deployment as a couple. It is also his last deployment, as he will be retiring following this trip. He has been very open with me about the fact that this will be hard, but we are a strong couple, and not getting through this was never even mentioned as an option. I am very sad, because I hate that we are separated, and I worry about his safety. However, I have been keeping myself busy with ways to cope and it is helping. Some of the things I did are:”

  1. I wrote him thirty letters to take with him, made myself a copy of each, and I open one a day also so I remember what I wrote to him.
  2. I started a journal. It is a great place to vent and talk about/work through my fears.
  3. I made an awesome Deployment countdown poster and I am crossing off the days.
  4. I made a list of things I want to do while he is gone.
  5. I am planning/researching the trip we want to take when he gets home.
  6. I am keeping a mason jar and popsicle sticks, and every time I think of something I want us to do together, I write it on a popsicle stick and pop it into the jar.
  7. I plan out care packages with themes, and I will send them over the course of the upcoming months.

“Soooooo, I guess I am hoping this will help those of you who are struggling like me. This sucks, but six or seven months of sadness is a small price to pay for a lifetime of wonderful.
Strength to all!”

Thanks, Nicole, for sharing your ideas!

Learn about what to expect at homecoming.

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it here or download your free eBook.

PTSD What is it and do I have it?

by Dawson McAllister

ptsd get help

Have you ever wondered, “What is PTSD?”

And maybe you have asked yourself, “Do I have it?” On my radio show I so often hear these types of statements:

“I keep re-living the time I was raped.”

“I don’t feel anything anymore, I have no emotions. I’m just numb after all the abuse I went through.”

“I’m constantly on-edge. I can’t ever let my guard down ever since I was in that horrific car accident.”

These are just a few of the different faces of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
PTSD is often associated with those who serve in the military and rightfully so. Since 2002 over 100,000 military members have been diagnosed with PTSD. But PTSD can effect anyone who has gone through a terrifying experience that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the pain of re-living the trauma over and over.

Related Posts:
Megan’s Struggle With Anxiety Disorder
How To Find Sanity In An Insane World
Mental Illness Is Not Mental Weakness

Since I hear the symptoms of PTSD discussed quite frequently on my radio show, I felt it would be very worthwhile to talk about this disorder today. As with everything knowledge is power and understanding is half the battle. If you have faced a traumatic experience here is what I want you to know:

  1. Not everyone who goes through a dangerous experience will get PTSD. Don’t assume that just because something traumatic happened that you are destined to get PTSD. This is not the case.
  2. However, if you have disturbing thoughts or feelings for more than a month after a traumatic experience, please seek help. This is NOT a sign of weakness, you are NOT expected to just get over it. What you are experiencing IS REAL and needs to be dealt with.
  3. One factor to reducing the risk of getting PTSD is to immediately get support after a terrifying event (rape, abuse, accident, tornado, flood, war, etc.). Talk about it, join a support group, be open about how you feel. This has proven to be an important step.
  4. Here are some signs you should see a doctor:
    • You are having trouble getting your world under control.
    • You are still having flashbacks or bad dreams.
    • You are stressed or frightened when you are no longer in danger.
    • You are avoiding normal life and losing interest in things you loved.
    • You are emotionally numb.
    • You have difficulty sleeping.
    • You are thinking suicidal thoughts.
  5. There are treatments available…Therapy, Support Groups, Medication.
  6. There is HOPE. With time and treatment you can overcome PTSD.
  7. God is with you in the journey. He says, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”

Now, if you know someone who has experienced a terrifying event, the role YOU play in supporting them will be key. So I’d like to offer the “support people” some advice as well:

  1. Be patient. It can be difficult for the person experiencing PTSD to express what they are feeling and it can make them uncomfortable to talk about it.
  2. NEVER assume or tell them, “It’s all in your head.” or “You can just get over it.” or “Only veterans get PTSD.”
  3. It is never too late for them to seek treatment. Even if the traumatic event occurred over a year ago or more, treatment is still important and effective.
  4. Honor their struggle to make peace with the event and don’t rush it.
  5. Since their perspective is driven by fear, they are not always logical keep reaching out. Keep encouraging.

ALWAYS remember there is HOPE. Here are a number of resources to support you in your journey:

Learn more about PTSD, by downloading your free eBook.

You are not alone.This video is about a girl I talked with on my radio show. She was struggling with PTSD from a traumatic event in her life.

Military Relationships- What to Expect at a HomeComing

by Dawson McAllister

Last weekend Jodie Foster (not the actress), her 12-year old daughter, Kayla, and her two step children stood in the middle of LP field during the second quarter of the Tennessee Titans Washington Redskins game. They thought they were being honored for a winning essay they had all written together about husband and father, Mark E. Foster, a sergeant in 101st Combat Aviation Brigade. He is on his fifth deployment, the latest being to Afghanistan eight months ago. In that essay Jodie asked the kids about their dad.
coming home from war
The Fosters’ daughter, Hunter, said: “My dad drove in a snowstorm at 35 mph from Kentucky to Ohio, a nine-hour trip that ended up taking 16, just to spend a few hours with me and hold my hand after my knee surgery. Then he had to leave the next morning to make it back to work on time. If that’s not a true sacrifice, I don’t know what is.”

Kayla, their daughter, said: “My dad loved me enough to adopt me. Mom, no one gave me to him, he picked me. I am proud of him for enduring what he does and the sacrifices and choices he has made in life to give us the life we have today.”

Son Cody said: “I see the honor in his eyes every morning he puts on that uniform, and one day I want my family to look at me the way we look at dad.”

The LP Field announcer said something about a surprise. Jodi turned around, and there was Mark with yellow roses in hand, on the sidelines in the middle of a bunch of Titan players. What followed was the whole family crying, running, hugging, and kissing as 69,000 fans cheered wildly, and Trace Atkins’ song, American Solider, boomed over the speakers.

I wish that every homecoming was just like that — soldier comes home, war is left behind, everything is back to normal, and they all live happily every after.
Many times it is exactly like that. Many times it is not.

One soldier came home to a party attended by a house full of family and relatives. His wife later commented, “It was just overwhelming for him – too much too soon.”

They went downtown for a stroll, but the low brick buildings reminded him of some buildings in Iraq. There was a crowd of people and lots of street noise. “That was not a good idea,”she said.

I had planned the perfect first night back together,one wife commented, but it turned out to be rather awkward. It was like making love to a stranger. We should have spent more time reconnecting.

One day a soldier, back home from a combat deployment, finally said to his frustrated wife who kept telling him to come to dinner, “I can’t. I’m in Iraq.”She had grown more and more frustrated because she didn’t know what that meant. Why doesn’t he just get over it and move on, she thought.

Others talk about nightmares, emotional detachment, fixation on their war experiences, the difficulty of adjusting from a wife running the household all by herself to dad being home, and (to the shock and amazement of a spouse or loved one) the compelling desire to go back.

As great as it is to be back home, sometimes that just starts the process of leaving the war behind. When soldiers are deployed in a war zone, they are always busy, constantly on guard, and completely focused on their mission and responsibilities. When they get home, the place where they can relax and stand down emotionally, that is when all the emotional issues, held back while on deployment, begin to surface. It can be frustrating to a spouse who has always assumed that she could just love him through whatever problems he has. Realizing that alone isn’t going to fix him, she begins to take things personally.

Dealing with combat-related stress takes time, patience, and almost always some counseling. It’s a lot like many other issues that can overwhelm a relationship the death of a child, the chronically ill family member, or enormous financial stress.

About two or three years after her husband returned from Iraq, Merritt Stephens shared the following:

Merritt said: At this point we are in a good place in our relationship, but we have certainly been through our share of ups and downs. When he came back from combat, there were a lot of issues we really struggled with. We even talked about divorce a few times, which was really scary. I felt like I was a strong independent woman, and I could walk away from the relationship if I needed to. But as we talked about deep feelings, we always came back to our commitment to each other and how much we meant to each other. We have shared our lives together, and we really are each other’s best friends. As much as combat and the related issued have been difficult on our relationship, in a way it has brought us closer. We sought counseling together, we’ve each had to work on our own stuff, and we realize that we really love each other from somewhere deep in our souls. It has made us stronger, more committed to each other. We feel now there is nothing we cannot get through.

For military personnel and their families dealing with the combat related stress issues, I recommend that you download this free PTSD eBook from TheHopeLine® team.