Guest Post by Aimee Wathen
The equation for a healthy relationship and how to tell if you’re in one or ready for one.
Relationships can be are tough. They take work. They take commitment. They can’t give up when it gets hard. They should strive to, not only see the good in the person but also help each other become the best version of themselves.
Anyone who argues that is a prime candidate for this post.
So, what’s the magic equation for a healthy relationship?
I’m not sure there is one, but I can certainly think of some qualities and habits that are essential for beating the odds.
Common Beliefs/Lifestyle
This tops the list for a reason. I don’t care how great your communication or loyalty is with your significant other if you don’t have this, all other aspects that make a relationship good will eventually become a colossal challenge.
How do I know? Because I’ve lived it. And I’ve watched nearly all of my friends live it too.
I would argue that nearly all relationships start with a physical attraction. It’s just the reality of it, so let’s be adults and admit it. The whole “love is blind” cliche quote was likely derived from this stage. At the beginning of every relationship, or heck even a mini-crush (as my girlfriends in college used to refer to them as), you become wrapped up in getting to know the person. The basic stuff. The exciting stuff. The areas that this person chooses to reveal to you. I’m not saying people aren’t open books – I most certainly am from the beginning of a relationship, but even red flags are ignored, or worse; seem endearing – almost as if you’re the only person they’ve ever let in on that deep of a level.
But once the excitement of this new relationship wears off, where do you two stand? Do you agree on the big things? Faith? Family? How you want to live your life? Ask yourself that, and be honest with the answer.
As I’ve gotten older and moved halfway across the country, it’s become increasingly more difficult to detect this critical aspect of a relationship early on. Almost entirely because I don’t know these guys from Adam, unlike when I lived in Nashville and had at least 20 mutual friends with a prospective boyfriend. My advice? Take a few weeks to get to know this person in a group setting. This will help you learn more about the person before you engage in an emotional connection. This can protect you, to some degree, from having your heart override knowledge. One-on-one time forms habits, emotional ties and comfort zones which lead to overlooking the big stuff like – common beliefs and lifestyles. Don’t believe me? Go find a handsome and witty guy, who you have nothing in common with other than attraction, and tell me that charm doesn’t make you feel attached. Kidding. Mostly.
Communication
Of course, communication is key, but I’m not talking about word vomiting because you feel entitled to hash out every rational or irrational thought you’re having. Your significant other isn’t a sounding board for your insecurities. I learned that the hard way.
There is a right and wrong way to communicate. You must learn to communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with him or her. You can talk about how you’re feeling all day long, but if the other party interprets the message or tone wrong, you will get absolutely nowhere. If you’re confused about why you’re having the same conversation time and time again, ASK QUESTIONS. The best thing I learned during a relationship building course at church was; during discussions or arguments, ask the other person what they heard from you. It seems cheesy, and both he and I laughed through it (probably not great because the other couples were in marriage crisis mode and we were in the honeymoon phase), but it worked.
I highly recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It will give you a better understanding of how that person feels loved and better insight into their communication style because of how they love. It creates awareness of each other’s needs.
It’s imperative that both of you feel comfortable and confident enough that the conversations you two have will only build more respect and understanding for one another. If you bottle up feelings or resort to harsh tones, it will only build resentment and likely ruin your communication because one, or both of you, will emotionally shut down.
There's a right and wrong way to communicate. Communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with them. Click To Tweet
Quality Time and Time Apart
Quality over Quantity
I love making memories. Anything from talking over coffee on the porch, cooking together, running errands, or special events. I don’t need to go on extravagant trips with my person to feel like it’s quality time. What I desire, and I think most people desire, is a real connection. Having someone in the room with you during all your free time doesn’t automatically make the relationship blossom. If you’re not investing thought into creating memories, you’re not doing yourself or the relationship justice.
Maintain Independence
Spending time with your other half is important, but reserving time for friends and your hobbies is as equally important. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again…that person is in your life to share it, not be it. I love reading, riding my bike or even just watching a movie alone. I also love hanging out with my girlfriends. If I know one thing, it’s that all of my friends are there to pick up any broken pieces during or after a relationship. Treat the people in your life with just as much love as you treat your significant other. Trust me. He wants to hang with his buddies without you sometimes too.
Respect, Positivity, and Forgiveness
I’m using all of these as verbs. Action verbs. The act of being respectful, positive and forgiving. During the course of your relationship, you can pretty much count on cycling through each of them. On repeat.
Both of you must respect each other to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, being loyal, and acting as each other’s biggest fan. There is nothing worse for a man than hitting his pride, especially in front of others. Men are wired differently than women. He needs to feel respected. He needs to feel like you’re supportive and proud of him. He wants to lead. The moment you begin to take that away from him is the moment he begins to internalize. Disrespect is going to happen (on accident) because let’s face it, we women are emotional and when we don’t feel loved we tend to react. But that’s where forgiveness comes into play. Just be sure to own up to your actions, ladies.
Respect your partner to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, and being loyal to each other. Click To Tweet
Men: On the other hand, we women, are rooted in needing to feel loved. It’s just the way God created us. You need respect, even if that means we must bite our tongue until after the dinner party, and we need love. Do we need flowers every week? No, although that would be okay 🙂 We want to hold hands, to be told you think we’re pretty, to feel adored in public, to feel cherished. I once had a boyfriend who would bring me coffee in the mornings or leave notes on my car windshield. He would send me songs that made him think of me and hold my hand every time we were in the car. He would fill up my gas tank and take pictures of me when I wasn’t looking, just because he thought I was being cute. I felt SO loved. On the other hand, I’ve dated someone who bought me nice things, had people run errands for me because he was busy and slapped my butt as he walked by. Yet, he also bought me flowers every week. Still, I felt blah. Do you see the difference? Okay, good.
I could go on for days about dating, but I will stop there. It’s a lot to take in. If you’re in a relationship, I encourage you to take this post into account and make adjustments where it’s needed. If you’re like me, and the closest thing you have to a boyfriend or girlfriend is your dog, I urge you to allow this to soak in and practice these habits in your next relationship.
Reach out and let us know your success stories or your biggest dating flops in the comments below. 🙂
LOVE,
Aimee
Aimee Wathan is a 32-year-old Nashville female who loves Jesus and looks at life for what it is; messy and beautiful. After writing for Christian magazines and nonprofit blogs, Balanced Chaos came to life when she realized the world needed a raw dose of reality.
This article was Originally published at Balanced Chaos.
Photo Credit: S A R A H ✗ S H A R P
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The green eyed monster is an expression that depicts jealousy negatively. While there is a lot to say about being envious of another, there is even more to say about those who experience jealousy in a relationship. Over 77% of women have admitted to being jealous in their relationships, but the large measurement of this should not detract from the real issue at hand nor necessarily be viewed as negative. Jealousy is natural in a relationship, but whereas men must have that emotion triggered by an action, women seem to experience it without any real indication at all. 
Distinguish Between Fiction and Reality
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, relationships are difficult. Women are creatures of habit, but few understand that negative habits result in irregular brain patterns that will only further contribute to an unfavorable lifestyle. Being mindful of yourself is always of the utmost importance while being open with your partner is crucial in abolishing certain mindsets entirely. Welcoming your individuality and what you have to offer is the most advantageous action, and altering your concentration to be more positive will lift the concerns if all else fails. Jealousy is natural and often inevitable, but it does not need to be a life sentence if you make necessary changes and accept it for what it simply is. You are not a green eyed monster but are instead a woman in tune with her feelings, a factor that is more admirable than unfavorable.
Do You Want To Talk About Cheating?
Just like many people who have lost a lot money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions, people who have been through several bad relationships are scared to jump back in. They are both said to be snake-bit. People who have had a bad experience or two in relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don’t yet know… relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about how much of your heart and emotions to invest in a relationship, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get snake-bit. I’m not saying you should give up, I’m just encouraging you to take it slow. Don’t give your heart away too soon.
It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to jumping in bed together, to talking about forever, to boredom, to talk about cheating, and eventually to break up.
Sometimes from the outside looking in we can’t understand why someone doesn’t just end the relationship after cheating occurs or end it before they decide to cheat in the first place. However, there aren’t always easy answers to these questions. And sometimes the relationship is worth saving, but how and why?
Nobody changes the oil in a car they have already decided to trade in. Get the point?
So in Derek’s situation what might his girlfriend be feeling? She might be feeling he is not really sorry for what he did. She also might want to make sure he pays the price for his actions and punishes him breaking up with him.
The subject of cheating can be very personal and you are likely looking for personal answers. Why did this happen to you? Why did your guy cheat on you?
People spend as much or more time lying to themselves about their true intentions as they do lying to others. Have you ever listened to someone rant and rave about a person or a situation. And the more you listened, the more you realized that they were completely out of touch with what really happened. They were so wound up about being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed that they just could not take an honest look at themselves.
Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like, “I love you,” “you’re so beautiful,” and “spend our lives together.”
DAWSON: What you’re experiencing happens to a lot of people. It’s called infatuation. Infatuation is the emotional feeling of romantic love. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it does not pass an important test: the test of time.
The differences between the genders can be unbelievably confusing and challenging. The more progress that is made to help you increase your understanding of the opposite sex, the healthier your relationships will be. Thank you for all the great questions you’ve been sending. I promise to keep answering them the best I can. Now to the questions:
But on the other hand, from some female’s perspectives, many nice guys can appear to be boring and uninteresting. They are not a challenge. They are easy to figure out, easy to trust, easy to understand. Not a bad thing at all, but it doesn’t challenge a woman to get closer. The answer, if you’re one of the nice guys, is not to get mean or careless. But you will increase your attractiveness to some women by increasing the confidence you have in yourself. Move confidently toward the things you are interested in, and excel at those things. Remember, the more confident you become, the more attractive you are.
Most women love to feel beautiful. The shopping mall is proof of that. They can spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, makeup and jewelry all because it makes them feel more attractive. Plus, society tells them over and over again, unless they look a certain way they are an inferior product. Not everyone can meet the high standards of the magazine covers and advertisers. Still, we’ve all seen beautiful women who weren’t very pretty at all, simply because they didn’t like themselves. Right? This is at the core of your question. One of the responsibilities of a little girl’s daddy is to tell his daughter she’s beautiful. If she doesn’t get that positive reinforcement from her dad, she’s going to convince herself she is unattractive.
I’ve talked about how a 
to approach this difficult issue when you’re frustrated or angry. However, the more clear and direct you can be, the better. But remember, always be kind. Sooner or later, your ex will get the message.
You may be tempted to go back into the relationship
ou’re upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.
There are some girls who are so lonely and empty they convince themselves having a baby will give them love. The baby somehow will know to give love back to their mother. But the fact of the matter is babies may be cute, but for the most part they’re takers who have great needs. Early in their lives, they have no concept of how to love their mother or father. Teenagers and young adults who plan on having a baby should get their love from some other source, and then give it to the baby unconditionally. They should expect the baby to give back. [Pregnancy] is a growing problem that has a lot of reasons. Many of the girls come from broken homes or parents who don’t pay enough attention to them. They are looking for someone to love and they think they will find it in a baby.(Emily)
They say to themselves, If I got pregnant, I could get that attention too.And since these people are suffering from a love and attention deficit, getting attention no matter what the consequences seems like a good option. These people don’t think about the huge commitment they are making for a tiny bit of attention for just a little time.They see other people with babies, and how much attention they get, and decide Hey, maybe I should have a kid too'(Richard)
really liked. But by the time their relationship ended, she felt used and probably ashamed. Why? Because, “[he] made me do nasty stuff that I really didn’t want to do.”
