Friends

7 Reasons to be Just Friends

by Dawson McAllister

Just Friends vs. Dating

Being “Just Friends” with someone from the opposite sex that you can just hang out with, while avoiding all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama, can be a real blessing. I wish every teenager and young adult could experience a friendship with someone from the opposite sex with no strings attached. It’s possible to have a Just Friends relationship, but so many people are looking for that perfect one. That boyfriend or girlfriend that’s going to sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. In the meantime, they lose out on all the good times a relationship with Just Friends could bring them.

I get tons of calls on my radio show about boyfriend/girlfriend drama and broken hearts. Sometimes, the consequences of bad dating relationships can be hard and life-changing, like unintended pregnancies, STDs, and abuse.

I find myself saying to many of these callers, “You don’t need a boyfriend. You need a boy you can be “just friends” with.” The same is true for guys. We think we need that special girl, but often we simply want a woman in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.

What I’m trying to say is having a friend from the opposite sex is a huge gift to you and can be far healthier than the drama of dating. I wish everyone who dates would have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective.

A while back I asked for comments from my readers about the advantages of having a friend from the opposite sex. I read through every comment and came up with 7 good reasons to be “Just Friends”.

Everyone who dates should have a friend of the opposite sex to help give them a better perspective. Click To Tweet

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

Quality Relationships

You tend to respect your friends more than the people you randomly date. People who have Just Friends relationships tend to respect their friend and take care of them more than just random dating that comes and goes. I’m best friends with a guy named Mikey and he’s awesome. We respect each other. We know that we don’t want anything to ruin what we have. (Angelica)
“Just Friend” relationships tend to be more like brother and sister relationships. Everybody needs brothers and sisters, but let’s just suppose for a moment that you’re a guy who doesn’t have a sister or a girl who doesn’t have a brother. Or perhaps you don’t relate well to your brother or sister. Just Friends can help fill the gap of those who have never experienced a good brother or sister relationship. Just Friends’ is like having a brother or a sister for those who didn’t have a sibling of the opposite sex.(Christy) By the way, if you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, you are truly blessed.
You can be very honest and real within a “Just Friends” relationship. When dating, there can be a lot of fear of losing your boyfriend or girlfriend. So many times, people are not honest with one another about their feelings. All this does is make the dating relationship weak and prone to fall apart. But in Just Friends, you tend to be more honest because you feel more secure in the relationship and the stakes aren’t quite so high. Learning how to be honest in a relationship is extremely important. So, what you learn about honesty in Just Friends you can apply someday to your boyfriend/girlfriend. I like having him as friend because it’s nice to have a guys’ opinion when you need it and I know he will truly give me an honest answer.(Rissa) I like what Laura had to say, They keep you grounded, and aren’t afraid to give you a reality check when you obviously need one.(Laura)There’s a cool verse from the wisest man in the Bible. His name is King Solomon and he said, An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. He’s absolutely right. It’s hard to get people to be totally honest with you, but Just Friends can be just that.
“Just Friends” often protect each other. I have always been amazed at how real friends will protect each other no matter what. “Just Friends” may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It’s a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who’s got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she’s more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each others back now and forever.(Narda)

No Pressure
You can learn much about the opposite sex without the pressure of dating. It seems to me that many people really do not understand the opposite sex. Let’s face it, men and women look at the world differently and react differently to life. That’s one reason why in dating, things get so confusing. Because along with the deep emotion of young love or infatuation comes confusion and frustration. But a friend from the opposite sex can fill you in on what women/men are like. They can answer a lot of your questions about the opposite sex and save you all kinds of grief. I think it’s great to have a friend of the opposite sex because sometimes the same sex won’t understand some things you are going through such as if you have been in a bad break up. A guy can see your point of view when you’re talking about your ex, and it gives you an opportunity to see both sides of the story…(Megan)
There is no sexual pressure. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Guys aren’t pressured to have sex as much by girls, but some still are. Being pressured to have sex can be a very difficult experience. If you’re dating somebody and really like him/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going.That’s sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with “Just Friends”, you don’t have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is!

It’s so nice to just hang with guys who are “Just Friends” and not have any sexual stuff in between. It has never been that way between any of us!(Jenn) I’m amazed at how many people pressure their dating partner to go against their value system and do something sexual the other partner doesn’t want to do.
Just Friends are comfortable with each other with no need to impress. There is tremendous pressure on teenagers and young adults to impress other people, especially the opposite sex. They end up not even being themselves, but instead what they think the person of the opposite sex wants them to be. It’s just one big performance. Not being yourself and performing for others is extremely exhausting and never worth the effort. Just Friends helps solve that problem because with Just Friends you can be yourself and not worry about impressing. If you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, you don’t have to try to impress anyone. One of my best friends is a guy, and we talk about almost everything. I don’t have to prove myself, and neither does he.(Kaitlyn)

You can be very honest and real within a Just Friends relationship. #dating #friendship Click To Tweet

So save yourself a lot of stress by spending more time developing Just Friends relationships. It could be the wisest thing you’ll ever do.

There are so many good reasons to have Just Friends. I’m not against dating, but it can cause a lot of pressure and pain you don’t need. I’m all for Just Friends and who knows, the perfect love for your life may come along when not even looking for him/her. I want to encourage you to keep developing a Just Friends relationship. You’ll be glad you did.

Related Posts:

Challenges of Just Friends

Choose Friends Wisely

9 Tips for Being a Great Friend

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

If you have had a “just friends” relationship with someone from the opposite sex, please leave a comment below about both the pros or the cons.

10 Tips To End Loneliness

by Dawson McAllister

Loneliness is On the Rise

If you are feeling lonely, you are not alone. Kind of ironic, but true. The world is full of lonely people. In fact, loneliness is on the rise. Research shows that the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years. Today about 40% of Americans (60 million) report being lonely. In the 1980s, it was only 20%. (General Social Survey).

For some reason in this world full of people, we are struggling to find friends and make relationships that last.

Being lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. We need to have people we can confide in. We need people who will support us and people whom we can support in return. We are created to live in community.

Being #lonely is a sad and unhealthy way to live. To be happy we need intimate bonds with others. Click To Tweet

If you are finding yourself struggling with feelings of loneliness, let me encourage you that this does not have to be a permanent issue, and there are things you can do to fight against it.

What is Situational Loneliness?

Seasons of mild loneliness are totally normal. There are situations in everyone’s life that leave us feeling lonely. These seasons can be caused by a number of situations.

A move to a new city
A loved one died
A change of school or job
A new social network with people that are very different than you…you don’t have a common bond of faith or culture or interests, etc
You have no romantic interest at the time

Situational loneliness is temporary, because situations change over time.

What is Chronic Loneliness?

Chronic loneliness on the other hand is a continual state of feeling lonely with no end in sight. You have a void of real emotional bonds with anyone that you can trust and confide in.

Let me warn you, it can be easy to wallow in a state of situational loneliness to the point that you let it turn into chronic loneliness. It is important to take steps to fight against the feelings of loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem for both mental and physical health reasons.

When you start to feel lonely you can also start to feel ashamed, and then you can start to think of yourself as a loser. If you allow yourself to believe that, you may become reluctant to meet new people and before you know it you are stuck in a lonely state.

Licensed psychologist, author and speaker, Guy Winch, PhD, says, “Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us think that those around us care much less than they actually do. It also makes us afraid to reach out because we don’t want to set ourselves up for rejection and heartache when our heart is already aching.”

Feeling lonely, what can you do?

To begin with let’s acknowledge that loneliness is a FEELING not a fact. You can have all kinds of people in your life and still FEEL lonely. So here are 10 tips to help you move past this feeling.

Take steps to fight against the feelings of #loneliness before it becomes a chronic problem. Click To Tweet

10 Tips To End Loneliness

1. Realize you are not unusual – As the statistics show, you are not alone in feeling lonely. 40% of people are just like you. This doesn’t make the feeling any easier, but it may help to know you are normal and not unusual.
2. Let loneliness remind you of the value of connecting with others. Don’t give up on the importance of connecting with others. Let this feeling motivate you to seek relationships.
3. Identify your loneliness thoughts. Write down some of the negative thoughts that you have when you are lonely. Do you think things like: “I will always be alone”, “If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.”, “I must be a loser, because I am alone.” “No one must like me. Something must be wrong with me.” If so, try to come up with rational responses to those thoughts:
  - Are you really always going to be alone or might you be interacting with people soon…at work, school, church, waiting in line, or participating in an activity. You are not on a deserted island.
  - Do you have to feel sad because you are alone? Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be sad.
  - Are you really a “loser” because you are alone? Everyone is alone at some time or another. Being alone is a situation — and situations change.
4. Use Alone Time Wisely – If you find yourself alone, you can choose to dwell in your loneliness or attempt to use your alone time to do a solo activity that you enjoy and become good at it. Maybe it’s reading, cooking, baking, golfing, fishing, etc.. Then use your new skill as a way to connect with others. Find a group with similar interests or use it as a conversation starter when you meet new people.
5. Get Off-Line – The internet can make us feel lonely because we attempt to substitute real relationships with online relationships. Though we temporarily feel better when we engage others virtually, these connections tend to be superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. Yet lonely people can exert so much energy to feel connected on-line that they don’t put forth effort to build off-line, fulfilling relationships. Additionally, the internet can get in the way when you are actually with someone in person, but you are both constantly on your phones. Meaningful conversation still won’t occur if you are both on-line.
6. Don’t miss positive social cues – Lonely people can be so wrapped up in their feelings of loneliness that they are less able to pick up on positive social cues, like others’ attention and or signals from others that they are willing to commit to a friendship. Without picking up on these cues, lonely people withdraw prematurely. Open your eyes and look for what others may be communicating to you.
7. Fight the emotional habit of loneliness – Realize you are dealing with an emotional habit and be willing to do the hard work of combating it. Invite someone out or initiate a conversation. It will be worth it. The emotion of loneliness can pass, depending on what you’re thinking and what you’re doing.
8. Focus on the needs and feelings of others. Shifting your focus from how bad you’ve got it to how you can bless others will go a long way in combating loneliness.
9. Develop realistic expectations – If you are expecting a new friend to call you constantly or spend time together daily, or share every detail of their life, you may be disappointed. Your friendship is not diminished if your time together is limited. People have busy lives and are balancing many relationships and work or school. Don’t give up on a relationship just because they aren’t able to give as much as you expect.
10. Remember you are never truly alone – it is important for us to know that we are never truly alone. God promises to never abandon us and to always be with us and strengthen and help us and uphold us. If you are facing a season of feeling isolated, turn to God. Learn to trust Him through prayer and reading the Bible. Welcome His presence into your life.

Remember you're never truly alone. #Godpromises to never abandon us and to always be with us. Click To Tweet

You can do this! Put yourself out there, make new friends or renew old friendships. You will be so happy you did!

For more information on loneliness including additional tips, causes, health risks, a loneliness quiz, and combating loneliness in marriage download our free eBook.

How to Spot a Toxic Friend

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

Guest blog written by: Madison, blogger for You Matter, a part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and a safe space for youth to discuss and share stories about mental health and wellness.

Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

And then there are toxic relationships. These are the relationships that, if not corrected, could become extremely harmful. They are not necessarily hopeless, but require a lot of work to be corrected. Spotting a toxic relationship isn’t always easy since many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. Fortunately, there’s been a lot of recent psychological study into healthy and happy relationships and there are some principles that pop up consistently.

These are a few red flags of a toxic relationship:

– Passive aggression

– Arguing without communication

– Extreme jealousy

– Feelings of low self-worth

– Being secretive/hiding things from one another

– Constantly bringing up past mistakes in present arguments

– Avoiding one another

– Physical violence

– Wishing that things were as they once were in the relationship

– Feelings of unfaithfulness

Just because a relationship has taken a toxic course does not mean that it cannot be fixed through time and hard work. However, it does not mean that things must always be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that a relationship has run its course. Oftentimes there are a lot of things that we put up with simply because the pain that relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the people that we love.

It's okay to admit the #relationship has run it's course. #lettinggo Click To Tweet

But we must remember to make ourselves a priority and put our well-being before anything else, even if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.

For information on how to meet, make, and maintain good friendships, check out:

When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You

by Dawson McAllister

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

One of life’s greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when your best friend is mad at you. Many a friend has spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell exactly what went wrong – if it’s something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you.

So what can you do when your best friend is mad at you?

Talk It Out with your Best Friend

When your best friend is mad at you, the first and most important thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it’s quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what’s wrong between you. Ask what he/she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it’s your job to listen. Really listen and don’t break in with your point of view. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you’ll have of fixing your conflict. Jennifer agreed: The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.

When your best friend is mad at you, the most important thing you can do is talk about it. #BFF Click To Tweet

Don’t Get Defensive

The worst thing you can do is get defensive when resolving a conflict with your best friend. Don’t quickly react to what your friend is saying. When you hear your friend telling you what he/she thinks you did wrong, it’s natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time enough for you to express how you feel as well. Don’t forget this is your time to listen. This is not a sign of agreeing, it is just a sign of listening!

Ask What You Can Do

It may take a while for your friend to express everything he/she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they’re feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him/her say. For instance, “Am I right you’re angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?” This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

The next thing you might want to ask is “What can I do to help mend the relationship?” Many times, your friend will have an idea of what they’d like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you’re willing to do what he/she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, your hurt friend may have a totally unrealistic solution to the problem. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, if she says, “I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again.” Don’t commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic, and unfair.

David said, Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground, or walk away. Most people don’t know when their expectations are unrealistic. You might find it helpful to say, “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking, but I could do this.” Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond.

Be Willing To Admit You’re Wrong

If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It’s easy to
think just saying I’m sorry is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don’t mean them, or if you don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, I will forgive you before you assume all is well with your friend.

However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. He/she will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time this will prove to her you really are sorry.

If you're truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to #apologize. Click To Tweet

Give It Time

If your friend doesn’t want to talk about what is making him/her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be a good friend, even if he or she doesn’t want to respond. A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs but we’re still friends. Even the times she tried to pull away and we didn’t talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had.

Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you’re not sure they really care if you’re friends or not. It’s impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution. You can’t make anybody else do what they don’t want to do. You might want to read the series of blogs I wrote on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it’s easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don’t give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties. Do all you can to make peace. Remember, a good friend is priceless.

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

If you think your friend might be struggling with something beyond just your relationship, check out our eBook library for eBooks on all types of issues and every eBook has a section on how to help a friend who is struggling with that issue.

This guest blog: The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression is really helpful if one of your friends is struggling with depression.

Also, check out this other guest blog by my friend, JD, about choosing your friends. A lot of times, you do have a choice in whom you are close friends with so choose them wisely. Here’s JD’s blog: Choose Friends Wisely.

8 Ways To Be A Great Mentor

by Dawson McAllister

Try These Tips to Be a Good Mentor

If you ask any successful person what helped them along their journey to success they will undoubtedly mention a person who took an interest in them early on and invested in their life. Someone they would call their mentor.

I have been strongly influenced by people who took an interest in me and my work with teenagers and young adults and helped guide and direct me and my ministry over many years. I believe God placed these mentors in my life to help shape who I am today. Likewise, I have tried to make a difference in the lives of the people who call my radio show by speaking truth to them, being a positive influence in their lives and connecting them with TheHopeLine and our partners.

Have you had a good mentor in your life? Are you in a season where you need to find a mentor to help give you direction? Could you be a good mentor for someone else?

Mentoring makes such a difference in the lives of others, that the United States designated the entire month of January as National Mentoring Month.

Here are some benefits a good mentor provides:

The assurance that there is someone out there who cares for them.
A consistent presence in their life that they don’t want to disappoint, so they try hard.
A person who can hold them accountable for achieving the goals they set.
A resource to bounce ideas off of and help process difficult situations.
A voice of truth and guidance to keep someone on the right path.
The encouragement that someone believes in them and has their back.

Quality mentoring relationships have powerful positive effects on people in their personal lives, in social situations, in their education and careers.

Mentoring has the power to change people in all aspects of their lives. #mentoring Click To Tweet

This short video shares an e-mail mentor success story:

I think this world could be an amazing place if we stopped being so focused on ourselves and started investing in the lives of others. So this blog is my way of encouraging you today to open your eyes to the people in your life who may benefit from your influence. You don’t need to go announce to them that you are going to be their mentor, but you can start showing an interest in their life, you can invite them out for coffee or a soda and just give them an opportunity to talk.

Start investing into the lives of others! #mentor #mentoring Click To Tweet

8 Tips For Being a Good Mentor:

(Many of these also apply to being a good friend as well.)

1. 1. BE TRUSTWORTHY. It is important that they fully believe you have their best interest at heart…that you genuinely care. Your motives cannot be selfish. If you are doing this to look like a hero or look like an expert, they will pick up on that. It needs to be about them so that they can trust you with the junk in their lives.
  2. BE SAFE. You want to be their safe place. A place they don’t fear judgement. A place they can share their fears, their mistakes, their vulnerabilities and you will not walk away. You won’t laugh at them. You are safe to confide in.
  3. BE CONSISTENT. Be a person they can count on. If you say you are going to meet at a certain time, be there. If you are going to attend an event, be there. They need to know they can count on you.
  4. BE TRANSPARENT. It’s O.K., even helpful, to let them know you struggle too. You will be more relatable. In fact, knowing you faced challenges, and succeeded despite them, might give them hope for themselves. Using personal stories and experiences is also often a good way to communicate and influence their way of thinking. People often relate to stories much more easily than straightforward advice. However, when sharing your story, you must remember that this is NOT about you. It is still about them.
  5. BE CURIOUS. This might be the most important quality on this list…much more important than offering good advice. Because if you aren’t curious about their life, if you aren’t willing to ask them lots of questions to discover what brought them to where they are today, why they view the world the way they do, and what it is like to walk in their shoes, then you have no right to offer advice. Additionally, learning to ask them questions rather than just throwing advice at them will help them “buy in” to a solution. They need to discover the solution on their own. Research shows that if someone offers you advice or simply shares an opinion with you, your brain tends to interpret that as a threat to your own ideas. On the flip side questions are embraced by the brain. Here are some questions to help get you started: What’s going well for you right now? What isn’t? What’s something you’re feeling frustrated about? Where are you feeling stuck? What’s something you’ve learned recently that you’re excited about? What would you like to be different in a month? In a year? Two years?

1. 1. BE PATIENT. A person will change when they decide to change. Don’t expect them to immediately make perfect decisions once you walk into their life. But stick with them, even when it’s frustrating. They might continue to make some bad decisions for a while but be patient and be a consistent presence in their life.
  2. BE A VOICE OF REASON. As you seek to guide them, much of your role will involve helping them process what the next right step to take is. You are a sounding board for them to bounce ideas off of and then a facilitator…asking them questions to help them come up with their own answers. If they ask for your opinion, say something like, “Sure, I’ll give you my opinion. But first I’d like to hear what you think about it.” Change and growth are hard work. But help them reason out what the alternative is. Is it better to stay in the same place with the same consequences? Or to do the hard work of moving forward to a better future?
  3. BE A CHEERLEADER. Celebrate their accomplishments. Build them up. Let them know you believe they can do whatever they put their mind to. Encouragement is the muscle that helps them take the first step toward change.

Be their safe place of no judgement. #mentor #mentoringIRL Click To Tweet

The benefits of mentoring both for the mentor and mentee are vast. If you are interested in making a last impact on someone’s life, become a mentor. There are many great organizations seeking volunteer mentors, to find an organization in your area check this out: http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/become-a-mentor/

If you are in a season of life where you could really benefit from having mentor you can sign up for an e-mail mentor through TheHopeLine here – https://www.thehopeline.com/email-mentor-signup/ or find a mentor in your community here http://www.mentoring.org/get-involved/find-a-mentor/.

Have you benefited from a mentor? Give them a shout out in the comments below.

Have you mentored someone and found it impacted your own life? Tell us how. Do you have a friend or are you mentoring someone dealing with self-worth issues? Download our eBook for ways to understand and help them.

The Do’s (And Don’ts) When Your Friend Is Battling Depression

When your friend is battling depression…what should you say? Meagan Prins, blog writer for HeartSupport share her perspective in this guest post.

So Many People in My Life Were Struggling

A friend once sat next to me on a park bench and told me the only way he could get out of bed in the morning was by smoking a joint and turning his brain off from the pain.

For a while, I got long and desperate voicemails from my brother early in the morning about how he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t shake the feeling of being alone.

The more people I met in high school and college, the more the word kept popping up. I’m depressed. My mom is depressed. My sister, my cousin, my best friend.

So many of the people I care most about in the world have told me the same thing. They were in a fog they couldn’t shake, a darkness sat on them like a two-hundred pound weight. Life didn’t seem worth living most of the time.

The word depression used to be so informal. It’s been used it to talk about everything from a bad day or a random mishap to breakups and funerals. Depression was sadness, was being upset by something, or maybe even being heartbroken.

For the longest time, depression was something that couldn’t touch me. It was something I myself was immune to, so why should I care?

Despite so many people I knew dealing with this similar struggle, I really didn’t get it. I’d had bad days too, but I always managed to move on. Things were hard sometimes, yes, but I still held so strongly to this belief that life was what you made it. That happiness was a choice, or something.

I didn’t know how to help them. I didn’t know what to say, so I talked their ears off and said all the wrong things.

Cheer up! Life get’s better.
Just pray about it.
Maybe if you try just a little bit harder.
I understand what you’re going through.
Look at all the good things in your life.

But Depression is REAL

An afternoon in June, that all changed.

For one of the longest hours of my life, I thought I lost someone who I cannot imagine living without. She had gone missing for hours, leaving only a scary note behind. I left probably twenty voicemails pleading for her life, my head pounding with the possibility.

I could have woken up without her. She could have been gone from my life forever.

And why? Because depression is real. Because for a long time, depression told her that no one would care if she just disappeared.

I sat in the car with her a few hours later, holding her hand and sobbing. I had no idea what to say, how to help, how to fix anything. But what I did know was that I didn’t want to live in world without her without any of my friends who were struggling with depression.

Just Listen and Love

So I shut up. I barred my mouth and let it sink in how incredibly amazing it was to have this girl in my life. No longer would I sugarcoat her pain, her loneliness.

I stopped pretending like I could do anything at all except listen and love. Click To Tweet

Depression is one of the most powerful and subtle forces on the planet, a slow-acting poison that seeps into the life of every person who breathes air and thinks thoughts. I realize now that it wants to destroy me and you too. It either tackles each of us personally or vows to take shots at the people we care about.

And now that I understand how much I’ve messed up all these years, I think it’s starting to make sense what our part is to play in the fight against depression.

It’s Not About You

If your friend is struggling, the first thing you must realize is that it isn’t about you. That was the first trap I always seemed to fall in. I thought that I could remedy the situation, that the words that I said would actually make them feel better. I thought I knew what they needed.

It doesn’t always make sense, it isn’t always clear, and it’s really freaking hard. What is the source? Hard to say. What will make it better? Who really knows.

Validate What They Are Feeling

Talking with many of my friends, they have told me that all they really want is for their feelings to be validated. In a society where bouts of depression are often down-played, undermined, or ignored entirely, they just want to know that someone sees their pain”someone acknowledges the intensity of it.

That SUCKS. You don’t have to go through this alone if you don’t want to.

It’s that simple if we let it be. Our friends and family need us to hear them out and to hold them tight. They need us to listen to what they need, not be told what we think would help them. We need to let them talk about it instead of sweeping the rain cloud under a rug and ignoring what is really going on.

Each of us has a secret battle: depression, self-hate, pride, the wounds of the past, overwhelming fear, anxiety, you name it. We don’t always want to talk about it, but we know it is there. And despite how much we try to hide it, it feels really good when someone let’s us know that it is ok that we are struggling.

In a world where depression is downplayed, our friends want to know we see their pain. Click To Tweet

It also feels really good when the people in our lives give us the time and the space to struggle with our battle. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes resilience. The people in our lives need that from us as well.

No matter how dark life seems, or how low we feel, there is hope in knowing there is someone beside you to bolster you, to guard your back.

Will we always understand what our friends are going through? No. Will we always be able to help them? Definitely not. But can we always be there? If we care, absolutely.

How does what Meagan said impact the way you will respond next time a friend tells you they are depressed?

Guest blog written by Meagan Prins was She is part of HeartSupport’s Blog Team. Meagan is a college student, athlete, and a dreamer. She writes: “In life there are hurts, hearts, big plans and small disappointments. There’s my faith and my doubt and I write about that for HeartSupport‘s Blog Team!”

TheHopeLine is here for you! If you are facing depression and need help…we are here. We will not tell you to just pray about it or to just cheer up. Depression is real and we want to help give you the tools you need to help yourself or help a friend who is struggling with depression. Also, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook: Understanding Depression!

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Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends, what to do if a friend is mad at you, and how to give good advice to a friend.

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Have you mentored someone and found it impacted your own life? Tell us how. Do you have a friend or are you mentoring someone dealing with self-worth issues? Download our eBook for ways to understand and help them.

So Many People in My Life Were Struggling

I didn’t know how to help them. I didn’t know what to say, so I talked their ears off and said all the wrong things.

But Depression is REAL

Just Listen and Love

It’s Not About You

Validate What They Are Feeling

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