Let’s Talk About Something Hard

Self-harm. Cutting. If those are difficult words to hear, I don’t blame you. It’s not an easy thing to talk about. As someone with very prominent, visible self-harm scars from years of cutting on my wrists, I know how hard it can be to discuss.

Every so often, I’m asked, “Hey, I noticed you have scars all over your arms. What is that?” Whenever I hear that question, I brace myself. Not because I don’t feel equipped to explain, but because the explanation itself is hard for people to hear.

So how do I talk about it? How do I explain it? Well, it depends on the scenario, who I’m talking to, and how much time I have to explain. I’ve got three versions.

Version 1: When Kids Ask About My Scars

When kids ask about my self-harm scars, my explanation usually goes something like this. I try to keep it simple for them and keep things from sounding too heavy.

“Hey, you know how sometimes people get sick or hurt in different parts of their body? Maybe they get a stomachache or break a leg. Well, for me, I used to have a disorder in my brain that made it hard to think the right way. It made me less careful with knives, and I ended up getting cut a lot. That’s why I’ve got so many scars. Thankfully, I don’t have that problem anymore!”

I’ll admit that, no matter how simply I put it, it will always be hard for kids to understand. I’ve gotten varied responses. Some kids lose interest halfway through the story and return to playing. Some just ask, “Why?” again, as if my answer didn’t sink in. One time, a kid even looked me dead in the eye and said, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

At the end of the day, I’m okay with however they respond. After all, they’re just kids.

Version 2: The Short Answer I Give Most People

This is how I explain my scars to someone who asks in a situation where I don’t have enough time to explain it fully.

I usually say something like, "Oh yeah, these are all self-inflicted, actually. I used to self-harm a lot in high school and college, but thankfully my life made a really positive turnaround, and now I’m doing much better!”

Usually, the response is something like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Then they don’t know what to say next, which, to be honest, is totally fine. It can be hard to know what to say, and that’s okay.

I always try my best to make sure the person knows that I’m an open book if they want to ask more—and that I’m doing okay.

Now I’ll be honest: back when I was in the middle of that struggle, it was much harder to talk about because I couldn’t focus the conversation on how I was healed. Instead, it had to be about how much I needed healing. That’s a much harder conversation to have.

Sometimes I was still bleeding when I was asked, but I couldn’t find the courage to open up. I don’t blame anyone who feels that way. It’s hard to talk about.

If you feel like you’re in that place right now, I would encourage you to chat with a Hope Coach about it.

Version 3: When There’s Time to Share the Full Story

When I’ve got time and I’m with people I’m close to, there’s room to share this version.

In the full version, I try my best to answer two of the biggest questions about self-harm:

• “Why did you do it?”
• “How did you stop?”

Why I Turned to Self-Harm

My answer to why I did it would look something like this: 

We all have a desire for attention. A desire to feel seen, heard, understood, and loved by people. For me, I had a lot of difficulty finding that feeling through typical means.

I was awkward. I was bullied by my peers for being different. And to be honest, I was kind of selfish. All of these things made it really difficult to make meaningful connections.

Because of that, I fell into cutting as a last-ditch effort to find the attention I needed.

I remember one night I stole a box cutter and cut myself to the point that I needed stitches. I then went to the ER and asked for help.

One of the social workers came into the hospital room for an assessment and held my hand while the doctor stitched me up. Unknowingly, she was the answer to the reason why I did it.

She was giving me attention.

It’s a very atypical way of finding attention, but since I didn't know how to make friends, was too afraid to talk to my family, and didn’t have access to a therapist, the hospital felt like the only place I could find the attention I needed.

How I Found Healing and Hope

Now let’s talk about how I stopped. Well, it’s actually pretty simple. All the things I said I couldn’t do before—I learned how to do!

I made real friends. I learned to talk to my family. I got the therapy I needed. I held on to hope.

Most importantly, though, I found Christ.

Starting a relationship with God gave me a fresh perspective on my identity that made me no longer want to cut.

The feeling of being seen, heard, and understood—the attention I needed—I found it in Him instead!

You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone

I could go on and on about my story. Even the full version I wrote here is short compared to what I would share in person with enough time.

But if you’re reading this and you have more questions, I want to encourage you to chat with a Hope Coach. They’re always available, 24/7, through TheHopeLine.

Maybe you’re self-harming and have never opened up about it before. TheHopeLine is a safe place to take that first step.

You are seen. You are heard. And you are not alone.