TheHopeLine

Reputation

A Condom For The Heart

by Dawson McAllister

I remember many years ago, reading an article about condoms. There was a big debate at the time as to whether condoms would slow down the sexual revolution and really make sex safer. There was a quote from a Catholic priest which I’ll never forget. He said, “I’ll believe in condoms when they come up with a condom for the heart.”Red shiny heart on vintage teal wood

We live in time when condoms are thrown out into the crowd, telling you if you’re going to have sex you simply have to protect yourself. But I have yet to find a condom for the heart. When I say heart, I’m talking about your deepest emotions, the way you look at yourself, and how you feel about the one you love.

No Protection for Regret and Broken Hearts?

I have talked to hundreds of people who cannot erase the regret and pain that has been brought on by having sex with their boyfriend, girlfriend or even a stranger. This is a pain that no condom can ever protect you from.

Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STD’s, and regret stay.

Everybody is looking for someone who will love them unconditionally. Sex alone will not fill that void. In fact, casual sex will just leave you empty, but wanting more, making the ache deeper and deeper. Julianne says it really well: Why have sex over a feeling that can come and then go. Sure sex is fun and a thrill, but the heartache and worries are NOT WORTH IT!! Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STD’s, and regret stay.

No Protection for Being Used

Condoms can’t protect you from confusing love for lust. Lucy commented about having sex for the first time at age 13, and the attachment she automatically felt for the guy. She said: When this happened, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I lost something I will never be able to get back. I was so madly in love with this guy, had such low-confidence, and was willing to do anything to keep this guy in my life. Having sex was what he wanted, and all he wanted. We did not use a condom, and surprisingly, it was not my biggest regret. I was used, and then dropped. I am still not able to get over this guy. We don’t talk anymore. He hates me. Sadly, I’d still do anything to be close with him again. I wasn’t ready and now I’m so emotionally attached.

Tragically, Lucy still does not understand she is set up for more hurt if she goes back to this guy. Because, like all of us, she has not found a condom for her heart. She is playing with emotional unprotected sex.

Comparing Love vs. Lust

Anthony admits that guys don’t have a condom for their heart either: Me and my girlfriend were going out for about a year and a half when we had sex for the first time. Every time after that all she wanted was sex. I didn’t want to but I thought I loved her so I gave in. When she thought she was pregnant, things went downhill. Good thing for us she wasn’t. When we broke up she thought that I was using her for sex when I never really wanted to.

Condoms also cannot prevent you from feeling cheap. Mandi shares how she carries a lot of the heaviness and shame that came from having sex: I dated a guy who told me he loved me, and how wonderful things would be. He forced me to have sex and then broke up with me. I felt so ashamed for going out with him and didn’t understand how he could do that. I felt like it was all my fault. My self-respect was lost. I felt like no guy would ever really love me.

No Protection for a Ruined Reputation

Condoms don’t protect your reputation. When Tiffany was 16, she had already had sex with ten different guys. She painfully explains her situation: After the third guy I was really wanting to kill myself because all the guys in my town were calling me the town ho, but I just wanted to get pregnant so someone would love me. Well, I did get pregnant. But after the guy found out he beat me up, and, like he was trying to do, I had a miscarriage.

Too bad Tiffany didn’t have a condom to protect her reputation, but there’s no such thing.

No Heart Protection

All of these stories prove a point. Condoms only do what are they are designed to do and that is to help with birth control and protect from STDs. Sometimes they fail even doing that. But they are not designed to protect your heart from being broken with irresponsible and uncommitted sex. Until you find a partner who will stay committed to you for the rest of your life, you will always experience the pain and regret of a heart without a condom.

Please leave a comment if you have a similar story that can help others make wise choices.

 

‘Identity’: A Chat with Christian Recording Artist Colton Dixon

In a society so ready to define us by our Instagram feeds, it feels counter-cultural to turn to a higher power. In his third studio album “Identity,” Colton reminds us that God never intended anyone or anything other than Himself to label us.

Chat with Colton Dixon about IdentitySince placing in the top 7 during “American Idol’s” 11th season and performing for more than a million fans across the country on tours with Britt Nicole, Third Day and TobyMac, it would be easy for Colton Dixon to allow his success to become his identity. Instead, Colton chooses his identity solely in Christ.

The Christian recording artists says, “The only thing that’s going to really satisfy you is the Lord, and He’s the only thing that will continue to blow your mind as you live your life. He will always exceed your expectations, always.”

The only thing to really satisfy you is the Lord! @coltondixon Click To Tweet

Find out what made Colton want to pursue a career as an artist:

Letting God lead the way – “God put the call in my life and He started opening the doors, and here I am.” – Colton Dixon, on leaving baseball to pursue music.

Figuring out what matters, and what doesn’t – “It started as a personal thing, trying to figure out where I placed my identity, and figuring out the things that mattered, and the things that didn’t.” – Colton Dixon, on the inspiration that led to Identity.

 

Find out how Colton met his wife, Annie and what has made their marriage successful:

It would also be natural for Dixon to stake his identity in his marriage, but he doesn’t look to his relationship with his bride, Annie, to define him, though her mark on his life is woven into the fabric of his album Identity. Meeting through mutual friends, Colton and Annie are now celebrating their one year wedding anniversary. As to what contributes to a successful marriage?

A servant’s posture – “The servant posture [is what helps make a marriage successful.] Every day I have a chance to serve my wife, [like] doing something she wants to do verses something I want to do. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m learning.” – Colton Dixon, on getting married.

Learn to reflect on your own life – “I definitely deal with some topics that might be hard to hear. I want fans to feel motivated and encouraged, but I want these songs to challenge them and make them think about their own lives.”

The Other Side – “Death is inevitable, and know that they’re on the other side and they’re living it up right now.”

Dedicated to Annie’s brother Dillon who passed away shortly before Annie and Colton met, the song The Other Side talks about the sensitive topic of death and what it means to lose a loved one.

How to know what your true identity is:

In a culture of teens and young adults tying their self-worth to their online audience and how they’re perceived via social media, how do we put an end to the superficial characterizations? By putting God back into our Identity.

God Defines You – “God defines us in His word and we’re precious and we’re beautiful to him. He made no two people exactly alike… God cared about you so much to make you unique, that in and of itself is enough for me.”

God cared about you so much to make you unique. @coltondixon Click To Tweet

 “Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.” — Colossians 3:11

“No matter who you are or what you’re going through, YOU MATTER.” -Colton Dixon

Identity, the third studio album from Colton Dixon, is intentionally divided into three sections – Mind, Body and Spirit – each separated by an instrumental, cinematic interlude. The MIND delves into the way our thoughts direct out actions and control the way we see ourselves. The BODY explores our humanity and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. The SPIRIT provides moments of contemplation and peaceful reflection. With every note and lyric, Colton’s heartbeat is to express the truth he’s uncovered in his own life over and over again. This world can’t define us, because God’s love is our identity.

TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice on how to increase your self-esteem.

Worst. Party. Ever.

by Dawson McAllister

Paul wrote: I was at a party once that was going great. Everyone was having a great time. Sure, there was some drinking, but I didn’t realize the neighbors had called the cops. Everybody ran, and people got trampled over trying to get away. I broke my arm falling over the couch. And my dad had to come get me from the police station. It was a nightmare.

Does this sound like the WORST PARTY EVER?

It’s that time of yearparty-time!

While I know there are plenty of reasons to hold parties all throughout the year, spring seems to bring with it even more reasons to get together.

The stay-out-all-night after-prom party. The we-finally-did-it graduation party. The weather-is-finally-nice beach/backyard/backroad party. The see-you-next-school-year college bash. You know what I’m talking about.
worst party ever
And, while these parties are meant to be celebrations, they can often get out of control and end disastrously. In fact, you could end up at the worst party ever.

I don’t want to be a downer, but I’ve heard too many stories on my radio show over the years from people who were taken advantage of at a party, or teens who lost a friend because of drunk-driving, or someone who ended up arrested because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

So let’s just talk about how to be smart at a party. How to have fun, and not be dumb!

Let’s set the sceneYou get to the party with your friend and everyone seems to be having fun. But after a while, you start to get the feeling that something isn’t quite right. For one thing, you notice people are bringing more and more alcohol to the party. You also notice people are starting to get really drunk or high. You even see people slipping away in couples, or even threesomes, heading to a back bedroom. You know nothing really good happens in the back bedroom. A thought flashes through your mind: drugs, alcohol, and a lot of people = trouble.

What are some signs of a party that you need to leave?

  • If there are a lot of people showing up you don’t know especially if they are bringing alcohol when they come
  • Rival gang members are there or fights are breaking out.
  • Couples are sneaking off upstairs or downstairs.
  • People are so wasted they are passing out.
  • The party is not well lit.
  • You can’t help but notice weird smells.
  • It’s so loud you know the neighbors are going to call the cops.
  • If you can imagine people being surprised if they were to hear you were at this party.
  • Your instincts are telling you to leave. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

It’s important to always have a plan as to what you’ll do if the party turns into a bad situation.

Here are some ways to protect yourself from getting trapped at a destructive party or at the “Worst Party Ever”:

  • Check out who’s going to the party a little research beforehand may save you a lot of grief later. Again follow your instincts. If there’s a concern, just don’t go. Why take a chance?
  • Don’t go to a party alone it’s usually best to go with two or three others just in case one person might want to stay.
  • Know your boundaries what you will and won’t do before you get to a party and stick within those limits. You are cool enough to withstand peer pressure.
  • Talk with a friend or your parents ahead of time, and ask if you can call and have them pick you up if you need to get away.
  • NEVER drive with someone who has been drinking.
  • Make sure your phone is charged if you need to call someone or a cab.
  • Go to TheHopeLine Get Help page to download our mobile app, so that you can talk with a HopeCoach anytime, anywhere, 24/7.
  • Don’t be afraid or ashamed to call your parents or a trusted adult someone who cares about your safety. They’ll forgive any mistakes you have made.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave the party immediately walking or running, if need be.
  • Be aware of your location, which streets are nearby, and what’s a landmark you could head to if you needed to get away.
  • Don’t worry about what other people think about you if they see you leaving. Some people’s lives have been all but ruined at a bad party.

I get the whole YOLO thing. And I know that according to Snoop Dog this is the time to be young and wild and free! I just want you to also be smart and safe and strong because I’ve seen first-hand that doing something in the momentcan have consequences that last a lifetime.

And if you see a friend in trouble at a party, check out our guest blog about 4 Ways to Keep Friends Safe.

CorsagesLastly, here are some things your peers told us about their party experiences:

Jenni wrote: I just don’t go to the parties where I know there will be drugs. And when there are, I get one of my friends to leave with me, and we do something else.

Trisha agreed with Jenni: I completely avoid the situation. But if I was there, I know better than to do that stuff. Usually I end up leaving.

Sounds like Jenni and Trisha have a good plan. Talk to your friends and create your own plan for surviving the Worst Party Ever.

The Very Real Consequences of Cyberbullying

by Dawson McAllister

It’s all over the media…you’ve heard the tragic stories. Stories of teens and young adults ending their life after they’ve been bullied through social media sites. The consequences of cyber-bullying are very real. So I ask myself, why does this keep happening? We all know how damaging it is to spew hate across the internet, yet we continue to see it happen.

We all know how damaging it is to spew hate across the internet, yet we continue to see it happen. Click To Tweet

Let me ask you:

Have you read nasty comments directed toward how someone looks when they post a picture on Instagram?

Have you ever laughed along when you heard how someone pretended to have a crush on someone through text messaging, stringing them along until they deliver the crushing blow of …Are you kidding me, no one could ever really like you.

Have you seen pictures of parties posted where someone was intentionally left out and then comments made about how they were so glad that person wasn’t there and would never be invited?

Have you heard of a picture or video intended for one person suddenly going viral and ruining a reputation?

insideblogI don’t need to give more examples. You’ve seen it, haven’t you? You understand how it hurts, don’t you? The pain and public humiliation that is inflicted through cyberbullying is as real as the emotional trauma experienced through real-lifebullying. The biggest difference between the two is real-lifebullying often ends when school ends, but there is no escape from cyberbullying.

Related Posts:
Real Story: Her Pain Turned Into Something Beautiful
What To Do If You Are Being Bullied
(Video) The End of Bullying Begins With You
(Video) Bullying Prevention: Don’t Drink the Haterade

And here’s what really concerns me…most teens today base their value and their worth on how many likes, favorites, retweets, friends, followersthat they have. But what I want you to know…these things DO NOT determine your value. Your value comes in who you are as a person. How you love and treat others. And most importantly your status as a child of God who loves you completely just the way you are.

Here are 13 Facts* demonstrating the prevalence of Cyberbullying:

Nearly 43% of kids have been bullied online.

1 in 4 has had it happen more than once.

70% of students report seeing frequent bullying online.

Over 80% of teens use a cell phone regularly, making it the most common medium for cyber bullying.

68% of teens agree that cyber bullying is a serious problem.

81% of young people think bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person.

90% of teens who have seen social-media bullying say they have ignored it.

84% have seen others tell cyber bullies to stop.

Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.

Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying.

About 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online.

More than 4 out 10 say it has happened more than once.

About 75% have visited a website bashing another student.

*Stats from http://www.dosomething.org

What to do:

Bullies get their powerfrom how their victim responds/reacts. Never respond to the cyberbully. Block the person who is cyberbullying you. They can’t hurt you if they can’t reach you.

Bullies get their powerfrom how their victim reacts. Never respond to the #cyberbully. Click To Tweet

Take Action Immediately. Often times, schools cannot help when it comes to cyberbullying because it’s happening after hours and is out of their jurisdiction, but school authorities are not your only hope to stop the various types of bullying.

Keep the evidence of the cyberbullying (when it happened and what was said) and use this evidence to report the bully to the web & phone service providers. Cyberbullying often violates the terms and conditions of social media sites so ALWAYS report any abuse happening so they can take action against the user abusing their terms.

Cyberbullying that contains the following is a crime and should be reported to authorities: – Threatening violence – Pornography or sexually explicit messages/photos – Stalking & Hate crimes

Hey we all know it’s a problem. Let’s speak up and put a stop to cyberbullying. – Dawson McAllister

For more information on bullying, here’s a guide to understanding the types of bullying and cyberbullying and how to deal with it.

Sexting? It’s not a private conversation…

by Dawson McAllister

39% of teens are sexting

A recent study found that 20% of teenagers have sent or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves. And an incredible 39% have sent or posted sexually suggestive emails or text messages! Most of these are being sent to boyfriends/girlfriends, but others say they are sending these pics and texts to someone they want to hook up with, or maybe even someone they only know online.

Sexting is sending, receiving or forwarding naked or provocative photos by your cell phone. It has become incredibly popular in recent years. What do you think about sexting? Why do you think so many people are doing it?

It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person.

Cassie shared her reasons for sexting: I think us girls do it because we think we have to. It’s a way to get a boy’s attention and show him what we got, and get him to like us more. Looking back, I regret it and wish I didn’t. I think the boys might actually lose respect for you.

People sext because it’s so easy to do. It also has an element of risk to it. It’s a huge rush, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. You don’t really know how they’re going to respond to it. Will it turn them on, or off? Will they like you more, or less?

Abigail tells why she sends sext messages: My compulsion towards sexting is similar to young girls who are promiscuous; I look for male affection in the wrong places. I seek it from boys who only like parts of me instead of all of me. It can easily become an addiction as strong as drugs or alcohol.

Here are some things to think about before you take the plunge into sexting:

This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are.

1) Nothing you send or post stays private. It might seem harmless enough, just sending a dirty, flirtatious picture of yourself to your bf/gf’s phone. But before you can say, For Your Eyes Only,more people have seen you in your underwear than you ever dreamed. Anna said: If you want every one of your boyfriend’s friends, and maybe more, to see your naked body then go for it. My boyfriend asked me for that and I said no and he respected that. My view is that one day I will go far in life and I don’t want sexting’ to be revealed now or ever.

It might seem fun in the moment, but your flirty pics may be searchable by anyone on the planet for years to come. You can’t control what other people post online, or where they choose to send or post your dirty pictures.

3) Your joking around might be misunderstood. Just because, in your mind, your text or pic is meant to be fun, doesn’t mean the person who gets it will see it that way. Not to mention all the others who may see it as well. This is a great way to have people assume, and even expect, that you’re more open to having sex than you are. You may end up ruining your own reputation, simply for a few cheap thrills.

4) It’s impossible to be completely anonymous. If you’re sending pics online to a complete stranger, thinking they will never find out who you really are, or where you live, think again. Even though you may be disguising facts about your name, age, location, etc., it’s easy for online predators to find out who and where you are.

Legally, the consequences can be drastic.

5) Legally, the consequences could be drastic. Some states are really cracking down on sextingdeclaring that sexting photos of someone who is a minor (even yourself!) is considered a felony. You can even end up getting labeled as a sex offender.That label would follow you for the rest of your life.

It may be very tempting to give in to a bf/gf’s request for you to sext them. But, whatever you do, don’t give in to their pressure. Almost half the people who sext, say they do it because of pressure from other people. Amber says this is what happened to her: I had guys ask me for pictures and I gave in cause they told me they loved me and I believed them.

You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Jessica finds herself in the same position: My bf is always asking me for nude pics and I tell him no, and then he wants to break up with me when I don’tso I give in.How sad. Jessica was used and emotionally bullied by some guy who doesn’t even love her. It’s not worth it. It will never be worth it. The damage will far outweigh the supposed benefits. So don’t do it. You are worth far more than simply a sexy picture on a phone.

Check out our eBook for more information about how to overcome the destructive addiction to pornography.

Protecting Your Online Reputation

by Dawson McAllister

How Is Your Online Reputation?

These last few weeks I’ve been blogging about the power of words. You no doubt have experienced how careless and cruel words hurt others and tear apart the closest of friends. Unfortunately, words have the power to even destroy someone’s reputation.

A blogger wrote: All my life I have been talked and gossiped about, and still am, behind my back. I just ignore them and walk away but sometimes I wonder what is the problem with me and what have I done to deserve being talked badly about.

Even though no one can have complete control over what others say or think about them, it is possible to do some things that can protect your reputation, and possibly prevent people from gossiping about you.

The Internet, in particular, has the potential to define the reputation of a person for good or bad. What people see or read about you online influences their opinion of you. So the very best thing you can do to protect your reputation is to manage your online presence.

How can you do that?

Simple Ways To Protect Your Online Reputation

  • Take down anything that it is inappropriate online and put up what you would like others to know about you.
  • Don’t post inappropriate or sexual comments or photos on social media sites. Whatever you post on the web is painting a picture of who you are. You never know who is going to see something you post on the web. What might seem like an inside joke between you and a good friend can be misinterpreted by someone on the outside, including potential future employers. Information online is often permanent and searchable.
  • Don’t post music, lyrics or images that are violent, sexual, or drug-related.While you may know you don’t do drugs, or that you’re not violent, someone who doesn’t know you might find it easy to think you arethey might not get the joke.
  • Don’t use email addresses with sexual overtones, and don’t send sexual texts or photos through your phone or email. You might think you’re only sending it to one person, but you never can know for sure who they will think should see it. Nothing on the Internet or sent through phones is truly private, it can all be traced. And remember, everything you do online is sending a message to others about who you are. Cierra said:If you want to protect your reputation you have to think about if I do this just once, do I want people knowing about it or thinking of me in this way? I know you shouldn’t care about what others think, but there are times when it’s okay to.

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act.

Think about what you are showing others by what you say and the way you act, not only online but offline. People are watching and making judgments about what kind of person you by what you show them. As you begin to understand this, you are better able to act in ways that will enhance your reputation rather than damage it.

I’m so excited you are reading my blogs. I write them for you with the hope it will help you in some way. Thank you Jolene for your encouraging words: I love how Dawson tells how gossip really hurts. Other blog sites just gossip, this one tells us how hurtful it can be. I am so glad that Dawson is down-to-earth.

Next week, I am starting a very important series about suicide and I need your help. Please tell me your story about suicide and suicidal thoughts.

  • Why do so many people have suicidal thoughts?
  • Have you ever considered committing suicide? Why?
  • What stopped you from going through with your plans?
  • Have you ever had a friend commit suicide? How did that affect you?

Please comment here on this blog and let me know your thoughts. It will help me greatly with my writing.

Thank you!
Dawson

How To Rebuild A Bad Reputation

by Dawson McAllister

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Maybe you’ve made some bad choices, and the gossipers are now using them against you.

Or maybe someone is making up lies about you, simply trying to hurt you.

Gossiping is such a popular way for people to spend their time, and tragically, the damage it can do spreads like a virus, until someone’s reputation is seriously damaged.

You may feel like there’s no chance to counteract the horrible things they are saying. It’s going to take some time, but trust me, you can rebuild your reputation.

Here are some ideas on how to do it:

Ignore the Negative

It is very important to stop listening to all the bad things being said about youit will only bring you down and leave you feeling discouraged and hopeless.

That was Sarah’s experience, I was driving myself crazy, listening or even trying to imagine what other people were saying about me. I had to stop. Then I could finally move on.

Plan out your Future Self

Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and then work on showing that to other people. You’re well aware of how you don’t want people to view you. How do you want them to view you? And why?

Find a Friend you can Confide in

Find one other person you can talk to who will remind you of the person you want to be, and believes the best about you. If you can’t find anyone, be that person for yourself.

Are your friends adding to, or taking away, from your reputation?

Devon commented: Until I could find a good friend, I had to keep telling myself over and over I am not the person they say I am. I’m a good person and though I’m not perfect, I’m working on getting better.

Be Honest about your Mistakes

If the source of the gossip is rooted in truth, let people (especially the people you care about the most) know what is true, but that you want to change. Then, over time, go about proving it to them!

Time will usually heal a lot of difficult situations.

A New Group of Friends?

Figure out if you need a new group of friends.  Are your friends adding value to, or taking away, from your reputation? If they are affecting your reputation in a negative way, you don’t have to neglect, or start talking badly about them, but you might want to add some new people into your lifepeople who are known to say encouraging and positive things.

Misty said: I found out from another friend that the people I was hanging out with were only hurting my reputation. I still care about them, but I need to be careful about what influence they might be having on me.

Show you care about Other People

Smile, and be nice to people you see. Take a genuine interest in what other people are doing or thinking. People always appreciate someone who seems to care. You’ll find that people will be drawn to you, and less likely to talk badly about you.

Simply being nice to others gives you a chance to feel good about yourself, win new friends, and allow existing acquaintances to, eventually, reconsider their thoughts about you.

Make a little change.

Sometimes changing something as simple as your hairstyle or your clothes will make a ton of difference in how people view you. Be creative, and don’t be afraid to conformjust a little bit to what seems to be the current looks.

Don’t ever try to turn into something you are not.

Be patient.

It takes time to build a good reputation. And even more time to rebuild a damaged one. In time, the truth about you will be known. A good reputation is hard to destroy. Who you are as a person speaks for itself. Besides, sometimes people go on with their own lives, and forget what was said about you.

David had this experience: I had people saying bad things about me. But after a while, people just kind of forgot about it. You just have to be patient and stay confident.

HINT

If you’re feeling like you need to rebuild your reputation, ask your close friends or family what they see to be your positive or negative traits. What do they think would be beneficial for you to adjust, in order to help improve your reputation?

No matter what you do to rebuild your reputation, don’t ever try to turn into something you are not. Just remember to be true to yourself, and honest to your closest friends. As you seek to live the best life you can, you will be able to hold your head held high no matter what other people say about you.

Rebuild a bad reputation also by working on your self-esteem. It’s possible to change what you and others think about you.  TheHopeLine’s eBook, Understanding Self-Worth, gives practical advice on how to increase your self-worth.

The Danger of Gossip

by Dawson McAllister

What You Should Know About The Danger Of Gossip

It’s been said, knowledge is power. Unfortunately, many people like to spread damaging information or intimate details about others, whether true or not. This is what is called gossip. It used to be that people called gossip, dishing the dirt. Whatever it’s called, people use gossip to hurt people, in order to feel good about themselves, and to feel like they have power over others.

If you know something juicy someone did over the weekend, it’s easy to feel like you have to tell others. We especially like it when we hear something that makes someone look bad. Celebrity bloggers and gossip magazines make millions of dollars off of this unfortunate reality. I’m sure you’ve encountered gossip. Some people seem to thrive on it.

 

It’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of it.

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation. A reputation is very fragile. When you gossip, you are helping to destroy something extremely valuable. An anonymous blogger wrote: After telling my best friend, it leaked that I tried [cutting] once. Everyone thought I was even more of a freak.

If you think it’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of gossip, here are some tips on how to do it

1) Make a commitment you’re not going to gossip.
Even though the temptation to gossip is powerful, you will always win when you choose not to use it. And really, with all gossip, there’s no way of knowing for sure what is true or not. Paul wrote: I admit that I love spreading rumors. It’s all about telling lies about someone you don’t like. It usually works. That’s the problem, it does work, almost every time.

 

The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation.

2) Don’t listen to others when they gossip
Gossip grows an audience. You simply being there listening to it adds to its appeal. If someone starts to tell you something gossipy, say, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this person when they’re not here to defend themselves.Not only will you break the gossip chain, but you also will gain the trust of other people, as someone who won’t spread rumors.

 

With all gossip, there’s no way of knowing what is truth or lies.

3) Don’t judge people based on gossip.
If you should hear gossip about someone you don’t know, you have two choices: allow the gossip to determine what you believe, or let your own personal experience determine what you think. The first time you have an experience with someone that is contrary to the gossip you’ve heard, you’ll be a lot more careful about spreading or believing gossip the next time you hear it.

Katy wrote: My best friend is someone who people used to say really bad things about. But once I got to know her, I learned the truth about her. I’m so glad I gave her a chance.

4) Think before you speak.
Before you repeat something you’ve heard about another person, think: does this really do any good for me to spread this information? Or am I just trying to be in the know?Is the information even true? Could I be hurting someone by telling this, even if it’s true? If the person you are talking to is not part of the problem, or part of the solution, there’s no need to tell them anything.

 

Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others.

5) Stay away from people who gossip to youthey will gossip about you. Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others. Be very careful about what you choose to tell these people. If it’s a close friend, you might consider saying how you want to stop spreading gossip, and that you’d really like her help.

There’s an old saying, stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.That’s not true. Being gossiped about can be extremely painful. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to others. In the end, it never pays to gossip.

Next week, I’m going to write about what you can do to rebuild a bad reputationdestroyed by gossip, and then I’ll follow that up with ways you can protect your reputation. What have you done to repair a bad reputation? Please tell me your story. I look forward to hearing from you.

Is it Bad to Dress Provocatively?

by Dawson McAllister

provocative dressAnswers to Tough Questions

I am continuing to answer many of your questions about the opposite sex.  It is a journey to be sure.  Today I answer a question about why girls sometimes dress provocatively and also about how guys sometimes brag about the girls they are with.  Both touchy subjects, but I hope that in the process of honestly answering your questions we will all learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help you get through your life with more love and confidence.

So here was the first question from Michael:

“Why do girls dress so provocatively one minute, then complain that guys are superficial the next?”

This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that some girls feel confident if they receive attention for the way they dress. It’s nice to be noticed. Often girls even dress to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many young teenage girls it’s even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd or wear something no one else is wearing. So if all the girls are dressing in short skirts and low-cut shirts, they better do it as well, they think. Sometimes the styles may be more provocative than a girl feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway.

Why do girls sometimes dress provocatively and why do guys brag about the girls they're with? Click To Tweet

Some girls might not even realize that how they are dressing can affect guys.  Don’t get me wrong, some girls know exactly what they are doing, but some are just wearing what they think looks good. Since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed, but that doesn’t make it right.

What message are you sending?

dress provocativeSo please know ladies that what you wear often sends a message…whether you intend it to or not.  If you are flaunting your body, guys will be tempted to come after your body. However, if you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.

Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It’s just the lies of the culture and confusion about how best to attract men gets things all confused. As a guy, when you compliment a girl you have an opportunity to tell her she’s beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be. Women often want to be thought of as beautiful, but they don’t want to be disrespected. That’s a fine line, but I believe it’s possible for mature guys to walk that line.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
How To Know It’s Really Love
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8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

The next question is also complicated and it is from Tiana:

brag sexWhy do guys feel the need to brag about the girl they are with, and their sexual relationship with her? 

Unfortunately, some guys do like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. I think this often comes out of a deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It’s a competition thing. If one guy has more success with women than others, his ranking in the group goes higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. When this happens it shows a guy’s immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex. These particular guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy. Watch out for these guys because they are more concerned about themselves than the girl they are with. Don’t lose heart, there are good guys out there who don’t behave in this way.

Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women's reputation and feelings. #dating Click To Tweet

This kind of bragging is certainly not done to impress other women, as women are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what he did with other women. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women’s reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don’t have to brag to feel good about themselves.

For more insight into dating, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook: Understanding Dating.