I spoke with a HopeCoach name West last week. I had googled “Suicide Help Line.”
I was too ashamed to talk to someone over the phone but when I saw a chat option, I felt that would be safe enough.
My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Everyday at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.
I felt stuck, hopeless and utterly alone in the midst of hundreds of people who love me. It was 2am, one of my two daughters was crying. Everytime I laid her in the crib, she would cry. So, I picked her up, went to the living room and while holding her, was looking up suicide help lines. I found TheHopeLine through Death2Life. West came on and began talking with me.
I felt safe. I felt like she didn’t have a bone of condemnation in her body.
She told me her story and I began to cry. The first time I had been able to cry in a long time. She had no way of knowing but we had similar experiences with cancer and loved ones. She asked if it was ok to give me scriptures, I agreed. I knew what the Word said and exactly what I would tell other people in my situation. I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I had succumb to the lie. I was worthless and never going to be able to get out of my situation. That my family would be better off without me. That God would send a better man than I to raise my kids and take care of my wife. They deserved more than what I had laid at their feet. We talked and it seemed everything she said resonated with me. She prayed with me. She prayed a prayer and I believed it. She prayed as if she knew God was going to answer it.
I went to bed. I woke up the next morning, tender from the night before. I decided, I’m just going to drive hard at work, work as fast as I can and get the day over with.
I started to recall the night before. I felt a burden to apologize to my boss for my lack of effort at work. I had been so depressed it effected my performance. He never said anything, but I know it did. As I went to apologize I started to cry. He pulled me aside and asked what was going on. I had just felt so transparent, I told him everything from suicidal thoughts, depression, money woes, etc. He asked me how far behind I was. I told him and he placed one months rent in my pocket in cash right then. I didn’t expect that…not in a million years. By the end of the day He had lined up a side job that would help us get out of our situation. I was broken. God had done something I couldn’t believe. He answered West’s prayer for me that she prayed that night before.
I know the road ahead is long but West gave me something I had lost for a while. Hope. I know it will not be fixed overnight. I do believe God is bigger than this and I need to not be a lone ranger Christian and I need to rely on people to pray, trust and help lift my burdens.
I just wanted to say thanks to West. God used her to do a mighty miracle in my life. My wife and four children thank you. They have a new daddy and husband now. I pray your reward is great on Earth and in Heaven.
In Christ Alone,
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.