I spoke with a HopeCoach name West last week. I had googled “Suicide Help Line.”
I was too ashamed to talk to someone over the phone but when I saw a chat option, I felt that would be safe enough.
My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually, I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Every day at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.
I felt stuck, hopeless and utterly alone in the midst of hundreds of people who love me. It was 2 am, one of my two daughters was crying. Every time I laid her in the crib, she would cry. So, I picked her up, went to the living room and while holding her, was looking up suicide helplines. I found TheHopeLine through Death2Life. West came on and began talking with me.
I felt safe. I felt like she didn’t have a bone of condemnation in her body.
She told me her story and I began to cry. The first time I had been able to cry in a long time. She had no way of knowing but we had similar experiences with cancer and loved ones. She asked if it was ok to give me scriptures, I agreed. I knew what the Word said and exactly what I would tell other people in my situation. I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I had succumbed to the lie. I was worthless and never going to be able to get out of my situation. That my family would be better off without me. That God would send a better man than me to raise my kids and take care of my wife. They deserved more than what I had laid at their feet. We talked and it seemed everything she said resonated with me. She prayed with me. She prayed a prayer and I believed it. She prayed as if she knew God was going to answer it.
I went to bed. I woke up the next morning, tender from the night before. I decided I’m just going to drive hard at work, work as fast as I can and get the day over with.
I started to recall the night before. I felt a burden to apologize to my boss for my lack of effort at work. I had been so depressed it affected my performance. He never said anything, but I know it did. As I went to apologize I started to cry. He pulled me aside and asked what was going on. I had just felt so transparent, I told him everything from suicidal thoughts, depression, money woes, etc. He asked me how far behind I was. I told him and he placed one month's rent in my pocket in cash right then. I didn’t expect that…not in a million years. By the end of the day, He had lined up a side job that would help us get out of our situation. I was broken. God had done something I couldn’t believe. He answered West's prayer for me that she prayed that night before.
I know the road ahead is long but West gave me something I had lost for a while. Hope. I know it will not be fixed overnight. I do believe God is bigger than this and I need to not be a lone ranger Christian and I need to rely on people to pray, trust and help lift my burdens.
I just wanted to say thanks to West. God used her to do a mighty miracle in my life. My wife and four children thank you. They have a new daddy and husband now. I pray your reward is great on Earth and in Heaven.
In Christ Alone,
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.
If you are having suicidal thoughts or feeling very low and depressed, download TheHopeLine's free eBook.
Photo by Steven Van Loy