Growing up I was not immune to the many issues teens face today. I experienced depression and cutting as a way of coping.
Why I Started Cutting
It started out as depression that just kept getting worse and I started to feeling nothing, so much to the point where I would cut just to feel again. I hated everything about myself and I just didn’t care what happened to me. I didn’t want to live. I had low self-esteem, I hated the way I looked, and I hated living. I felt invisible and lifeless. I started getting depressed when a lot of my friends left and betrayed me. My family and I have been taking care of my Pappaw for quite awhile and having my “friends” betray me didn’t help me any. I started having anxiety attacks, and my depression throughout the year just kept getting worse. Cutting was the only way I felt alive.
What I did to Start Feeling Better
I would try to switch the negative with the positive, my whole mirror was filled with encouraging Bible verses and song lyrics, I tried to tell myself I was beautiful everyday in the mirror even though I didn’t believe it…at first. It may not sound like a lot, but it did help.
When I tried to cut myself the last time, I had hit rock bottom, I tried and tried and tried and no matter how hard I tried to cut myself, the blade wouldn’t work. I kept asking God where he was and if he was even there and that was my answer. After that night, I started putting my trust and faith in God for the first time, in a long time.
And I started to feel again, I felt love and joy again, I could actually smile. Not the fake smile everyone saw. The mask was gone and the real me was there. My family helped me to keep going. When I wanted to end my life, they are what kept me going. I didn’t have friends at that point, I had family. I kept trying to hold onto what friends I thought I had, even when they betrayed me. I never realized that God was what I really needed and that being alone wasn’t all that bad. I felt free finally.
What I Would Tell Others Who are Struggling
There is HOPE! It may seem dark now but the day will come again. Even in the night there is still a light that shines brightly till the break of day. You don’t have to fight whatever you’re dealing with alone, there are people who understand and are willing to help. All you have to do is reach out. TheHopeLine is a great resource.
What Kept Me Going
I always sang, but I had stage fright. I still do, some days are worse than others, but I push through. The kids and the people that come up to me after I sing are worth it. I’ve always wanted to inspire people to be kind and to go after their dreams even if they sound impossible. 🙂
My Pappaw used to play a lot of bluegrass when I was little and he played a lot of instruments….guitar, fiddle, mandolin, and banjo. I know rock and bluegrass are pretty much opposites of each other but he got me interested in music in the first place, that and my dad, he has a pretty huge library of music.
I also turn to God’s word. My favorite verse is: “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine’s free eBook.