My Best Friend's Suicide Hurt Me

I Was Shook By My Best Friend's Suicide

If anyone would have told me that you were going to come and leave so quickly from my life, I would have smacked them and called them a fool.  We made it to 6 months. In those 6 months, you became my life. April, I have never met a more beautiful, bright, amazing and loving girl. You made me feel so far from alone. You made me feel like I mattered. You showed me the true definition of a best friend.

But you were always so sad. I tried to do anything I could to help you forget your troubles. We went out on dates, hung out every day, went and spent nights at the barn with your horses.  April, we did everything we thought best friends were supposed to do, but just when I thought you were the thing that saved me from me,  I got the worst news...that you took your own life. My best friend's suicide shook me to the core.

I Am Sorry I Couldn't Save You

April, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. You made me feel so much life where I thought I never would feel it again, you truly brought out the real me. I wasn't afraid around you and you never judged me.  I will not ever forget the last night I saw you. You called me and asked if I had a cigarette, and I saved my last one for us to share. When you came through my gate, your eyes were covered in tears. We sat and I hugged you and I told you we would get through this. That it was just another bump. You cried and told me that you couldn't take it anymore, that you hurt too much. We talked for about an hour, I cleaned up your tears, and we said we loved each other. You told me you would call me in the morning.

I never got that call, but you did that a lot so I didn't think much of it. Two days later I found out you overdosed. All I could think about was that I really wish I could have saved you. I wish I could have said something to change your mind. April, everyone says it was an accident, but I know the truth. You were so full of life, yet so broken inside. I wish you could have seen how loved you truly were.

My Best Friend's Suicide Was a Whole Other Type of Hurt

Losing someone you love to suicide is a whole other type of hurt. I lost my first friend when I was 19, to a murder. That hurt me in ways I thought were impossible. But losing you, April, knowing you were in my arms hours before you decided to depart the earth, makes my heart feel in ways I never knew I could feel. We may have been friends for less than a year, but you were one of the most amazing friends I have ever had.  April, you showed me what a real friend was and you showed me a true friend.

Suicide Doesn't End the Pain

April, losing you made me realize that I may be sad and I may want to die sometime, but I now fully understand the meaning of, "suicide doesn't end your pain, it only passes the pain on to the ones who love you".

Reach Out and Talk to Someone About Your Thoughts of Suicide

My message to anyone reading this and thinking about killing yourself....never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone! People love you! You are more beautiful and amazing than you think and you do have a purpose!

April's Best Friend

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

TheHopeLine Team
For over 30 years, TheHopeLine has been helping students and young adults in crisis. Our team is made up of writers and mental health professionals who care deeply about helping others.
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One comment on “My Best Friend's Suicide Hurt Me”

  1. I'm only a freshman in high school, I thought I understood 'pain.' I've had my best friend for 4 and a half years, I've never truly been hurt. A lot of people in my life have died, but none from a suicide. there was once, about a year and a half ago, where a very close friend of mine and my best friend was so depressed, we tried to cheer him up. he instead sent us an extremely disturbing video of him with thread around his neck, him gasping for breath. we thought it was the last we would see him. I grabbed a ride, asked my best friend to meet me in town, and as soon as I saw her, I ran up to her, hugged her, and told her that I love her and I would never do what we saw him doing. there we stood. we were crying so much our clothes were soaked in tears. I was scared. then we get a text from him saying that he was close to death, but his dog walked in, and he could see the pain in the dogs eyes. so he broke a close-by glass bottle, and cut the rope. he said he promised us, and himself, and his dog in that very moment that he would convert to Christianity, and that he would never kill himself. I remember hugging my best friend after he said that, and hearing her say "I love you too, best friend" and as for the other friend- he's a man of his word. he has completely abandoned knot-tying, and he now attends a baptist academy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bore you. Scratch that- I'm so sorry about April. I can't understand how you felt, but I hope to never have to find out. I don't know many things about God, but I hope he didn't send her to hell. she doesn't deserve it. you didn't deserve this to happen to you. I'm so sorry, words can't describe.

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