Depression, Distrust of God and Drugs
When I was a little girl, we kind of struggle financially. My mom being a single mom with two kids at 18, it was obvious it was a difficult situation to be in. When I was 10 years old, my cousin who's three, was like a little brother to me. He was beaten to death by his stepfather. How could I trust any god that would allow something like that to happen? It just spiraled into depression, and I ended up hanging out with people who had issues like mine in their life and ended up getting involved in drugs and just continued to fuel that depression.
When I was 16, I was a very outspoken atheist and really searched a lot of different religions and just felt so empty and everything, whether it was in drugs or sex, or even just deep thinking and philosophies, it was just seemed to all leave me really empty. And since there wasn't anything in life that satisfied the emptiness, I just didn't want to do life anymore.
Made a Plan to Die by Suicide
I made a plan to commit suicide. I just didn't want to wake up anymore. I just was tired of waking up and I just thought I can't keep doing it. The day I planned to commit suicide, I came home from school early, and my grandma wasn't supposed to be home. And she just had a way of knowing, knowing when something was wrong. And she just looked at me and said, something's wrong with you? You're going to church. And that was the last place in the world. I wanted to be a hated Christians. I hated church. And I s like, there's no way I'm going to go to church. And we got into a crazy screaming match, and I just remember saying, if you'll just shut up, I'll go. And then when it's over, then I'll commit suicide.
Hated Church and Hated Christians
I was sitting in the back of the church, sludge down in my chair with my arms crossed, and the preacher began to speak and everything he said was straight to my heart, like I was the only person in the room. And he stops in the middle of what he's saying. And he says, there's a suicidal spirit in the room and God wants you to know that he loves you. All the hair stood up on the back of my neck. I was like, this is really freaking me out. I got to get out of here.
I got up and went towards the door after he'd dismissed the church, and a man grabbed me by the arm. And he was a white-headed old man. And he said, God wants me to speak to you. And he wants you to know that even though you've never known in earthly father, that he will be a better father to you than any earthly father could ever be. He said, he's seen you when you cry yourself to sleep at night. And when he said that it really shook me because I cried myself to sleep every night, since I was 10 years old. If I didn't cry, I couldn't sleep.
God Sees You When You Cry Yourself to Sleep
But he said, he sees you when you cry yourself to sleep at night and he loves you so much. And he sent his son Jesus to die and bleed on a cross to take all of the pain that you're experiencing on himself, so you don't have to experience it. He said, do you want him to take that from you? Because he died to take it. And I was like, well, you can try it. Well, you know, he was like, can I pray for you for that? And I was like, you could try it. I don't really believe in all this, but I know something crazy is happening right now.
God Sees Us Differently Than We Are
And so, he put his hand on my shoulder and began to pray. And he said something like, God, I pray that you would wrap your arms around your daughter and let her know how much you. And in that moment, something you just can't explain it, you have to experience where I literally felt like I was in front of the God of the universe. And the thing that I noticed first of all, was that this God was so Holy and awesome. And I was so not that and I'm so thankful that God sees us differently than we are. He doesn't turn away, that he too obsessed with love. It's amazing to think that God is a father, like that. Jesus died in my place and because of that, all I have to do is believe it and say, yes, change me, yes make me new.
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.