It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
- Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
- Yelling, threatening, or bullying
- Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
- Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused
Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse
This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.
Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.
Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.
Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?
Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:
- The abuser has a history of physical abuse
- They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
- If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
- How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?
It's Not Your Fault!
You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.
Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is.
The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.
Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice. There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.
How to Recover From Emotional Abuse
Stay Safe - Get Help
If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.
If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.
I'm not sure, but I think my mom might be abusive. Her and my dad have never been on good terms and she takes that out on me a lot. I'm a decent child, I make good grades and keep my nose out of trouble, but I have an issue keeping my room clean because I stay busy. She loves to come in to my room without asking and either search it or wait until I get home and tell me what an ungrateful child I am for not keeping my room clean. Another thing is I have issues with my weight. She goes on about how I need to be put on a diet and how I'm not the whole picture because I'm not skinny. She yells at me every chance she gets. If I make her mad or if anyone else makes her mad she starts yelling at me and my brother for random things. I think I need help, I don't think I can keep living here.
My situation is a bit different. My mother and I's relationship was amazing until she married my step-father. He had two kids prior to getting with my mom and when they got together and his kids (my step-brothers) moved in, she spent all of her time taking care of them. At the time, I thought that I was okay because I've always been pretty independent and more mature than kids my age (mind you I was like 8 when this neglect started). Even though I was being fed like I was supposed to and had clothes and went to school and wasn't (and currently isn't) physically abused, I didn't get the relationship that I needed with my mother that I needed and now things are a mess. Being 17 now I realize that i was pushed to the side and put in a position that any child should have to deal with. I had to go through my step-brothers acting out and wanting their mother, my step-dad's cheating and alcoholism, my dad not being in my life like he used to be, the fighting (physically and verbally) between my brothers and I over things kids shouldn't be arguing about, watching my parents fight (physically and verbally) with baby mama's and with each other, and all the while not have my mother there to help me understand what's going on or how to cope with it. By the time i was 11, i was popping pain killers till i passed out just so that i could go to sleep without thinking too much or crying all night. That turned into an addiction that i had until i was 14 when i finally decided to stop which i still had to go through by my self because my mother had no clue this was going on and I didn't want to make her feel like a bad mother for not being aware. Which leads to another problem. I personally feel like my mom makes me feel less than and she never keeps her word. We've been to psychiatrists and had one on one sit downs and every time she apologizes for what's happened or said that things would change, she's let me down. She said more than once that we would leave my step-dad and yet I'm still here and i"m hurt to the point that i can't stay here and deal with the disappointment, disrespect, and judgement anymore and i can't move on from what's been going on for the past 11 years of my life (which is the majority of my life) the same way that she does. I have generalized anxiety disorder that started when i was 10 because my body and mind can't take the things that she's put me through. I cut my self off socially, not getting close to anyone and telling them lies about what was going on so that they wouldn't see how depressed and alone i was and still am. It's so bad that i can't help but shut down anymore. When I'm at home, i will literally lose my mind if i stay out of my room too long because that was the only place that i could hide from the mess that going on in my household. I don't trust anyone and it took me 2 years before I would call someone a friend when we moved from Baltimore to Augusta, GA about 5 years ago because I was, and still am, not able to fully open up and sustain a healthy relationship without running away to avoid the chance of being hurt again the way that my mom hurt me. I love my mom sooooo much and I sincerely don't believe that she is a bad mother or tats she doesn't want the best for me but she neglected me and she's not very good at talking to me without making me feel like shit or calling me names and I don't believe that that will ever change no matter how many times she apologizes for it ..... and that's why I feel that i was emotionally abused and that i need to run away.
My sister keeps yelling at my mom and me every time we get home from school. Saying that we don't support her enough but, my mom stays up very late just to support her with her homework. She yells at us and says that she needs someone to put the blame on. She even called me an a**hole because I wouldn't let her practice on my instrument I borrowed from school. Saying that she needs it for a test but I didn't understand why she didn't bring her's home. Then she kicked my instrument which cost $363 if you break it and my mom works hard just to keep the family alive. Then she says it is my fault and yells at me. My mom is to scared to say anything and we became the punching bags for her. I'm fed up and tried every day hearing her yell at my mom like that. It makes me so angry at her but, I know I can't win against her. Now my new nickname is a**hole. She yells at us saying it is our fault that she has a lot of homework. I want her to stop and think about what she is doing to others. I wish we could just be a peaceful family without all the arguing every single day. I want to give my mom courage to step up to her but, i'm just 13. I just don't know what to do anymore....
Hi, I'm 13 and my dad doesn't really help around the house I mean he cooks, and picks my sister up fron school but that's all he doesnt do dishes (unless I'm not home for a few days at my uncles house) he doesnt do laundry he doesnt clean and he is extremely strict with grades, I am a person who is really sensitive and cannot handle pressure so my grades went down and instead of all a's i got a 70 and I was so scared of him because he will spank me even though I'm 13 now, I hid it from him and got in trouble, there was this one time in 6th grade when I missed the bus because my school had like this big opening in the roof and it was rainging really hard so i couldnt hear my bus being called. It was my first time ever missing the bus and i didnt have a phone. My grandma was standing outside my house waiting for me but i didnt know, so when my dad picked my up he started yelling at me like "Why can't you ever do anything right!" And other really hurtful things I was so hurt that i even tried to self harm while i was in the shower i didnt because i would just get yelled at even more. And ever since hes been so controlling he even made me a schedule. I dont know ive always surpressed my feelings so this is really the first time ive siad something about this. My mom is really my motivation to get better
I am 18 years of age and ive always wondered what is wrong with my grandmother(mom). I can never really pinpoint it. Every time ive been in a relationship, she pushes for me to marry him and do this and that with him, then she talks bad about him later on even though he hasnt changed a bit. She has told me i was too stupid to go to college, that im worthless. She has said worse things to my brother. He is now on meth and she doesnt seem to care at all about it but im extremely worried. She has never given me any emotional help all through my life. Not even when my best friend committed suicide. I was through it alone. My brother would throw me, choke me, even force me to do sexual things and she brushes it off like its nothing. I was stuck in an abusive relationship with a man recently and shed witness him ripping me naked and dragging me down steps by my foot and if i didnt consent to his sex, hed force me to every day, even in my sleep. She has thrown me out for my brother assaulting me and i had no place to go but to my biological mothers place. She told the family i left with her to go do drugs. She has told the family so much lies about me that it got around to my father in jail and he disowned me on my sweet 16th birthday. Currently mom has gotten on a dating site and is having intercourse with every man that meets her for the first time, she has already caught 2 stds back to back and she is forcing me to take lingerie pictures for her to send to these men. She has become very selfish and everytime i tell her about how i feel about anything or if im hurting and need to go to the doctor, she either gives me a pain pill or tells me she feels worse. As if my feelings are irrelevant. I need answers. What is this? She is 59 years old. Any time i refuse to do something for her or do exactly as she says, she makes me feel horrible and cries and puts me through a guilt trip. My mind is telling me to leave and have nothing to do with her for the sake of my future, but my heart says shes my mother and it would break her heart and i have an easy guilt and it would break mine too. Im so confused and feel stuck. Other people are seeing what she does to me and are not happy about it at all.