What is Emotional Abuse?

It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.

What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?

Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:

  • Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
  • Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
  • Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
  • Yelling, threatening, or bullying
  • Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
  • Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused

Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse

This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.

Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.

Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.

Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?

Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:

  • The abuser has a history of physical abuse
  • They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
  • If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
  • How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?

It's Not Your Fault!

You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.

Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is. 

The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.

Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice.  There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.

How to Recover From Emotional Abuse

Stay Safe - Get Help

If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.

If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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357 comments on “What is Emotional Abuse?”

  1. when I was a child my parents used to fight all the time they were divorced when I was 9 years old.Now I'm 16 and I'm so depressed and hurt I don't how to deal with the fact that my father and brother hit me and yell at me and I'm not able to protect my self because I'm a girl and I'm weak I hate that so much I can't bare it anymore.

  2. Hi! I'm 12 years old. Recently, my mom has become a lot harsher in her words. I can't sleep at night (I don't know why) and for whatever reason, I can't sleep till late morning. But I would be in that bad schedule of being awake from afternoon to early morning and sleep on and off from mid morning to afternoon. She would get really mad and like I said before, she's become harsher. She's called me irresponsible, bad, lazy, disappointing and an absolute waste. She also said that if I don't get up early in the morning and stay awake, then I won't like what she's going to go to me and that I'll wish I never was born or that I was dead. She also had said that I didn't have to mental capacity to talk to her or others in a social setting. She makes me feel helpless and unable to defend myself. I feel like nobody understands me and I'm just sounding like I'm over exaggerating and lying. I don't know what to do anyone. She makes me want to punch someone/thing or hurt myself. I just don't know.

    1. Kailey, you don't deserve to be treated that way. No child should be told those things, and you MUST keep telling yourself that they're WRONG. I promise you, you are special and beautiful and important.
      My mother and my grandmother made me feel that way too, I do understand. If you want to talk, you can reply here.

  3. On xmas of my 10th year in life, my mom just started. I don't know why. It came out of nowhere. She became mentally and verbally abusive. My health has gone down, due to the stress, and she yells at me every hour or so, but whenever I read that there was someone who cared for me, I knew there was t, because no one understands me. No one can be trusted. They don't know how I cry myself to sleep every night, or how my mom pushed away her her own mother. I don't want to do that. I'm scared. And I'm so alone. So alone. I am determined to live with my mom until I don't have to, but she has already said that she'll be the first to move away to Europe away from me. I'm currently 13, and I'm alone. I know that there's someone out there for me. Whoever you are, you, (as my dream), are probably the only thing that has kept me from all insanity, drugs and suicide and has just kept me looking happy on the outside. I'd like to thank you, and when I meet you, I'll say it in person, because I KNOW your out there, and I'm not giving up until I find you..... Find me.

    1. I started bursting with tears when I read this Eva. I am Kiki and I'm also 13. Please answer me. I'd like to talk to you about this because I'm so done with my mom and I need someones help. please.. answer me

      1. i just turned 18 as well and my mom is the same way but just as bad with the physical abuse as she is with the mental and i hate it i never know who to talk to because it always seems like the people i tell get tired of hearing my problems but its just so hard to keep going throught this. shes been like this since before i was born with my brother and it seems like she always purpousely finds a reason to get verbal or physical with me. i am consistantly expected to not talk back but as i got older i just would because i want to finally defend mysefl but it only gets worst the more she sees me building my person. and the thing is the more i make her reflect on her actions more she hits me i just cant anymore its tireing. im just tired.

    2. thats right never give up! God is always there for you. reach out to Him. I'm sorry you have to go through this. as a mommy of 4 it breaks my heart to see kids hurting. my son's girlfriend is emotionally abused at home as well. I'm trying to get her the help she needs. I don't know you but I care about you and if you ever need a mommy figure to talk to i'm here. and that goes for anyone. God Bless you

    3. As soon as I turn 19 my mom is planning on leving to newzeland making me take care of my (will be 17) brothe. I am only 12 and I am my younger brother's emotonal parent. And he is getting more and more violent every day. He already has mental problems and my emotionally abusive mom makes it so much worse. I hate living like this

    4. omg i never read this until after i texted about my story on this website on another comment. Your right there aren't a lot of who can understand it is lonely stressful depressing and miserable as HELL I can't Breathe my entire family hate me and i am sorry this is happening to you and i wish i knew you i could actually have someone to relate to although things with my family might prevent it but i still with i knew you by the way i am 14 and that the only reason why i do not cut any more i am perfect everyday but right now i am not i am suprised i am texting this right now i am using fake email but ya

  4. It feels like i woke up from a dream of someone elses life after 12 years. I used to write his words down... i knew they were bad but his words became my words. it started with our first Christmas together. i was wrapping presents and doing a terrible job. he started laughing, said i didnt do anything right. i didnt cook right, didnt dress right, didnt wear make up. after that i became the bad welfare mother he would never take parenting advice from. The night he said that, i cried all night and he sat there and watched. The next morning i was exhausted, red eyed and swollen, i took the kids to school and came back and cried some more asking him why he thought so badly of me why he was with me. He told me he never said it. it didnt make sense to me, nothing made sense. i started seeing everything through his eyes. he attacked everyone i got close to and i started seeing them as a threat too. He told me, look at the way people are looking at you and I did. They were looking at me the way he was looking at me. I was sure of it. I stopped talking to people, i stopped talking to them mostly because I couldnt explain in my words what he was doing because i had his words in my head. Every time I left him, i was drowning in the misery of his lies. He groomed me to feel that the whole world saw me as he did. It is only now that I remember the fear he put in me, how when I started talking to a friend I had isolated myself from, my heart beat out my chest when he found out and I never understood why. At one point i even called a friend to tell him not to post on my status because it would make him mad. I remember now, all of the words other people have said to me, you put up such a fascade... how do you do it? You're in pain and you dont even act like it. You should be screaming at him, it's your life... why aren't you angry? I wasnt angry... i was confused. I was numb with grief. I was silently drowning. I could never understand how my friends could hold me while I cried but he couldn't. That's not true, he held me while I cried about the people i felt completely isolated from, asking me ,"Do you want me to beat them up for hurting you?" I literally had flashbacks about the things people would say, "What's the matter with you?" I told you that you were bad" All of which confirmed everything he said about me, that there was something wrong with me. I remember all of it, all of the nasty things he ever said to me, did to me and I wonder how long it will stay with me? I also wonder after I leave him when the numbness will come and then the pain, the drowning...I remember I used to watch and wait for his lips to thin out, tried to prevent it with everything i had inside of me because I knew what it meant. It meant that those bad words were coming but would it mean that this time he would ridicule me like a child, point his finger in my face like last time, what name would he call me this time. What would he throw against the wall.  What mess would I have to clean up from the emblem of his temper tantrum. The worst part is that my daughter will grow up and find a man just like him and he's gonna make her cry and he's gonna steal her joy and her hope and she's gonna wonder why she wants to die.
    i just wish he would have just hit me, atleast then I could have found the right words to explain what was happening to me. I tried to tell people but I didnt know
    how... i couldnt explain it... all i ever said was he was mean or he doesnt contribute... he's bad with money...or he mistreats me financially because I was trying to make sense of it by looking at his actions but i never thought about the words. I remember when i would pray out in pain, I knew in my heart God was trying to tell me something. All I heard was, finish your book, finish it... what you are looking for are in the words.
    I remember when i first move to Texas, God was stronger. i would look at signs find words, put them in my book. And I heard God again. The words are every where.. now that i know and have found the right words... i want to shout it from the roof tops... I'm not crazy.
    I wrote this at the end of my marriage. It's been a year and I'm pretty sure that it was me remembering all the pain he put me through that i had forgotten about during all the times he was nice to me.  I remember the push and pull in the beginning but after I had his daughter everything changed and he did alot of pushing after that.  Accusing me of cheating, looking up my phone bill to call every single of my friends, vandalizing my house the first out of 5 times I left him. The first time I escaped to my mother's 2 hours away he filed a court order to make me bring my daughter back to the county we lived in.  He made sure I couldnt even survive financially without him let alone emotionally.  By the end, he had me exactly where he wanted me.  At the end of the world, isolated from my family and friends.  I didnt figure out the game he was playing until he tried to turn me against my sons.  It's weird how every story I read is all the same.  People trying to put together this puzzle that doesn't fit.  Most people try so hard to figure it out by thinking about what this person has done to them but until they actually figure out what they are doing to them on the inside and the scars they will leave behind, will they begin to understand. 

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