What is Emotional Abuse?

It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.

What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?

Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:

  • Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
  • Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
  • Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
  • Yelling, threatening, or bullying
  • Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
  • Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused

Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse

This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.

Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.

Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.

Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?

Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:

  • The abuser has a history of physical abuse
  • They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
  • If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
  • How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?

It's Not Your Fault!

You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.

Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is. 

The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.

Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice.  There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.

How to Recover From Emotional Abuse

Stay Safe - Get Help

If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.

If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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357 comments on “What is Emotional Abuse?”

  1. im a 12 yr old girl, im not sure if my dad has been abusive to me or something like that, but ill tell you anyways. i always do my homework, school work, assignments etc. and my dad always screams at me and calls me dumb and stupid just because i didnt understand a question. once i came back from school and when he came home he calls me fat and stupid that no body loves me and i started crying. i told him to stop, he says "do you think im dumb like you" and keeps hitting me. today i did my homework and he says "try harder" and he hits me and screams at me. he always think i chat to this girl he really hates and he always talks bad stuff about her and shes my close friend, i tell him stop nicely and he comes out of no where and hits me, even he hits me on my head very hard. once i came to the bathroom to get ready for bed and he tried to chock me. i didnt do anything, and i always get my grades good. i just dont understand. once i wanted to call the police, he trucked stuff at me and brange me to the room with no lights on, he starts hitting me with a belt and my body always gets big black scars or brusies cause of him. once my bestfriend came to my house and he really hates her. he tells me to do school work WHILE SHE WAS IN MY HOUSE. i said ill do it if she goes home, my dad drags me and pulls my hair and she heard everything. i seriously need help, you have no idea how bad i cry everyday, i have to stick to school, but even if i do that, he thinks his a better person to go and hit me for no reason. he tried to chock me once, i always think of the bad things he done to me. i told no one about this, i cry myself to sleep, his been doing this for 7 years. my dad always tells me to move rudely and he pushes me to the floor. my sister sometimes sleeps after school because she gets tired of sports, my dad screams at her to get up and when she doesnt, he pulls her hair, hits her with a belt, and then he comes to my room and hits me for no reason, and i am honest. i need a serious help and have no one to talk too, he does this everyday. and once he brings my sister and me and hits our head at the same time, im just 12, he does this everytime

  2. Hi. I'm 14 and I don't honestly have that bad of a life. I have all of life's necessities and more, and I can't remember any time that I've been physically abused. However, pretty much my whole life I've watched fighting and fierce arguments between many different people. It really stayed when I was about 6 I think. My dad, (who really is and was a genuinely kind person and really just suffers from a traumatic brain injury as a result of a car accident when he was in his 20s) he would get very mad and yell about the tiniest things and I remember a lot of the things that he said. For example, one time when I was 8 we were walking around a shopping center when my little sister (who is 2 years younger than me) fell and scratched her leg rather badly. It was bleeding a lot so my mom and I rushed to a nearby Walgreens and fixed up her leg. But anyway.. We got back to where we were going to meet my dad and he completely started yelling his head off at us from his car in the parking lot about how we were late and about how it was bad etc. and we tried to explain that my sister hurt her leg but he didn't really seem to care. So my mom told him to get out of th car (it took lots of persuading on her part) and she mad him walk home. Hen she drove the three of us back to our house where she helped us to understand our dads incapability to process some things properly due to his injury. Any way. We've had to lock him out of the house because he's been rather "dangerously" angry before. Finally, my parents got a divorce when I was 12. At first I was sad but then it turned out to be for the better. I spend most of my time at my moms house. For a year and a half I feared coming to my dads house for the weekend. I was worried that he'd get mad at us. Then, blissfully, we all started getting along really really well a few months ago. It was fun and I was really happy. Then my dads mom came in and moved in with my dad. (Important note: she actually wa the one who payed for and owns my dads house) she used to be very nice. But now... She constantly puts both my sister and me down for the tiniest of things and she won't drop the issue for the whole day or longer. Almost daily my dad and her get into fierce fights. I try to reason with her but then all she does is list out all of the bad things that I've done lately and make me feel like j can't do anything right. She never apologizes and I don't know what to do. Im scared to talk to her about it because I've been around too much of it already and I don't think I could deal with her yelling a y me again. And even if I did talk to her, Shed just take It out on my dad and sister after she was done with me. I can't deal with it and I don't know what to do. She's causing my vey sweet and innocent little sister to be depressed and sad a lot. I don't know what to do

  3. I'm writing to the young woman named Britney who called in this evening (Sorry if I spelled your name wrong.)
    I heard your story about your relationship, & I cried. It sounded so similar to my life. Except I clung to that abusive relationship for over 8 years, 5 years of dating & 3 of marriage, but even after the marriage ended it wasn't over.
    Please get out. I know you're worried & I know he was nice to you at one point, but that will never happen again. He may try to be sweet & make it up to you so you wont leave but don't believe for a second he will change permanently... he won't. He may become more abusive, slowly bringing down your self esteem until you won't leave, but please get out while you can. My story isn't easy, but I'll try to spare you some of the extra details...
    My relationship started out like a whirlwind dream. I was young, & had shakey confidence & self esteem due to the relationship I had with my mom & siblings. It was a long standing joke that I was the "ugly daughter", "no one would want me", & my siblings favorite "you're going to be that scary old lady who dies alone in a shack on a hill surrounded by a 100 dogs!". I just blocked them out & after I turned 16 I moved out to finish my last 2 years of high school as an honor student. I went to college, the first 3 months was nothing but my mom calling me everyday convincing me I was a failure, & I should give up. I tried to OD on medicine, obviously I failed as I am still here, though I was left with permanent heart palpitations.
    A few months in to college I met him. He was kind, he was nice, he was proud of me, he wanted to spend time with me. He told me to not listen to my mom. Needless to say my mom was livid that I had a boyfriend (she was the one who insisted I didn't need to know about puberty or the birds & the bees as I "would have no use for the information"). Thus talk between mom & I sort of dropped off for a while. By the start of my second year of college we were a bit on the rocks. He started shoving me into things then would say it was my fault for slamming into things. He was still nice but he would call me "stupid" or "F*****g dumb" then slap me upside the head. He always said he was kidding & he loved me so i avoided the signs. As a few years passed the "stupid" names changed to more aggressive names & he became more violent, but he convinced me it was my fault as I had done something to bring the issue out or i was clumbsy & it was my fault (as i usually was clumbsy). He started to burn theough his paycheck, eventually tapping into mine. I told him I was leaving, he got all sweet & lovey dovey, & for a short while he changed. After a short time he asked me to marry him... I was was dumb... I said yes because he convinced me he was a changed man, it couldn't have been further from the truth. I called to tell my parents, to which my mom responded "I'm out on a date with your father. I dont have time for this, you ruined the evening!!" and hung up. (Maybe I should have listened... I couldn't see the forest for the trees, I was so convinced I didn't want to die alone I was going to make this work.) We were engaged for a year & a half as I worked 15-18 hour days to save up money, & support both of us & our apartments (he was bad with money so technically they were both mine, just 7 hrs a part). I would work a full 15 hr shift then take off for across the state, & there were times he was angry at me for coming out. A few times I left with bruises on my arms, I was convinced it was because he had a bad day & I should have called. Then 6 months before our wedding he broke some of my fingers, & ripped out a chunk of my hair. I asked his parents for help, as I didn't know if he was always like this. They said he did have an anger management issue growing up, but they'd talk to him. BIG MISTAKE! He changed only long enough for us to say "I do". The night we got married, he wouldn't even dance with me, then he got angry because I was exhausted & didn't want to have sex with him. But all the stress from the wedding & abuse took it's toll. Unknowingly I developed bleeding ulcers in my stomach over the last several months, the next day after our wedding I ended up in the ER.
    He made sure I paid for that by tripping me & slamming my face into the metal door frame at our apartment when we got home, as it was my fault we had to cancel the honeymoon I paid for. From there it was a lot, A LOT of ups & downs, & many bouts of violence & forced sex. My mom said never call her with marriage problems, because if the relationship ever failed it would be my fault. So I was determined to make it work. I worked harder, sometimes only getting 3-4 hrs of sleep a night, I worked 13 days on, 1 day off. I had to make dinner for him everyday, I had to do his laundry every week, I did the grocery shopping, & bought him everything he asked for to keep him happy. He'd smash his phone, I'd forfeit my day off to work so we (I) could afford to buy him a new one. One day I forgot to make him dinner, though I did thaw out meat for him in the refrigerator. That night I came home, & no sooner did I take my shoes off & stand up that he knocked me out for the first time. He left me on the floor, I was only woken up as my coworkers had swung by to pick me up as I didn't show up at the main office that morning. So i painted on some foundation, grabbed some sunglasses & went out the door. I was beat again the next night for no dinner. I made sure to make dinner everyday, even if it meant I had to go hungry, I never forgot dinner. Except the day I miscarried, I couldn't leave the bathroom. He wouldn't take me to the hospital across the street, & I couldn't walk, so I had to stay in the bathroom. He yelled as I was hogging the bathroom & I was a worthless b**** as I couldn't even stay pregnant. I was beat frequently after that, but thought it was my fault for being a failure as a human. I stayed for another year and a half. But I decided I was done when I came home one night & he knocked me out after he found out I had a secret savings account for in case one of us got sick or hurt. I still have the scar tissue on the side of my skull, & from time to time my hearing fades in & out from the damage, I also had temporary nerve damage to my face. I found out he was cheating with an old girlfriend who moved near by with her husband & 3 kids. I decided to move us closer to my dad. I convinced him that this new job I found would give us sooo much more money, & he would want for nothing. We moved, & suddenly he was nice as my dad would check on me every day. I grew more confident, I began having friends again, I rescued a dog, I was smiling & happy, he hated it. We (I) bought a house, & forced him to move out of the apartment & away from the mistress I was being forced to support. He found out I lied about the money I would make from the new job, & hit me, but also began beating the dog as my dad questioned him about the bruise. Things started falling apart fast as I sent the dog to my folks for a while, & I threatened about divorce as I felt confident with my dad watching out for me. Suddenly he was nice, until we had todo counseling to prove that the divorce was or wasnt needed. He became so violent at the counseling session, they nearly called security & advised for an immediate divorce. So I filed, we had to share custody of the dog 1 months with me 1 month with him, I voiced my concerns but they said we had to try for a bit. He never got a second month, as he nearly starved the dog to death. She was nothing but bruises & bones, & nearly bald. The court ruled in my favor, the house, the dog, & my things I had bought were mine. He had to bw given a deadline to move, eventually packed up & move in with his dad 2 hrs away. It didn't stop there. That's when the harassment & threats began. For 2 months I lived in fear with him randomly showing up to my house, breaking in once, sending death threats, & harassing calls at all hours, stalking.... i finally gathered enough evidence to get the police involved, then it finally stopped.
    I was free.
    I cried, I was depressed, I was lonely, I was abusive to myself as that is all I knew to show myself love. The road out of the darkness is never easy.
    I had to learn to love myself. I joke that I became a Phoenix, because just as a Phoenix rises from the embers in the ashes, I too found new life from the ashes of what was left of me. I dyed my hair for the first time, I peirced my ears, I went on a road trip to visit my girl friend from high school & her husband & kids.
    Eventually I found good love, it is beautiful. I often feel I don't deserve a love like this, as I still feel dirty & unworthy from time to time, but he gently sweeps these thoughts away with his loving words & kind actions. We are both damaged by our pasts, but we have found healing & strength, then we found each other. Neither of us want anything more than the other to be happy & be confident.
    Please. Don't stay with him. He is a user, use upeverything until there's nothing left. Users abuse & destroy those who are happy or have something the user hates that they have.
    Love yourself, appreciate your self worth. You are worthy of good love & a beautiful relationship! Even if the person you are meant for isn't there right now, you are meant for someone else who loves you & is waiting to treat you right. You have to learn to love yourself first, you can't find good love until you do & know that you don't need anyone to to grant you happiness. You hold the key to your own happiness, you're in charge of the wheel.
    Don't let this guy weight you down. He'll only be like a concrete block tied around your waist as you're struggling to swim. Your getting so worn down dealing with him & hoping to see him change, he won't. If you just cut him loose you'll realize you can float just fine without the struggling to stay above water.
    You're amazing! You're strong! You are beautiful inside & out, no matter what anyone says! You deserve someone who will be devoted to only you! You just have to let go of that darkness that is trying to keep you tied to him, & trying to suck the life out of you. You deserve so much more than what he will ever promise to give you. I guarentee it.
    If there is only one thing you take from this 29 yr old woman taking to you, please take this.
    It is your life, you only get one ride. Is this the way you want to spend your one ride? Is this the way you want to feel for the rest of your life? No one knows when their ride will stop, & their number is called. Dont waste what precious time you are given with someone who makes you feel this way. Please walk away, don't follow this path.
    Do this for you, please... I'm begging you. I don't know you, but I'm sending all the love & hope I can to you. Hopefully you'll have the strength to walk, run, or crawl out of this relationship before it's too late.

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